Signs and Wonder

Pss. 71:7  “I am as a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge.”

SIGNS AND WONDER

I’m seeing the signs of healing and I wonder, is all of the hard work worth the time and effort to get to a healing point? I have to say yes because I know God has a purpose for everything. God uses pain and suffering to show you the miraculous. You might not see it as miraculous but trust me, to the individual the suffering is happening to, it is nothing short of a miracle.

It has been three months since the devastating blow to my ego, to my everyday life, to my harmonious routine, the blow to the core of my being. Why hadn’t I seen the signs leading up to this prognosis? Why did I ignore my instinct when any other time I listen wholeheartedly? I’ll tell you why I didn’t want it to be true. 

Back when I did a post Putting the Puzzle Together it made me think of those little pictures I used to do to connect the dots and in connecting the dots it formed a picture? Remember those? I used to have big thick coloring books filled with them. I loved putting puzzles together too and there is nothing worse than getting to the end of the puzzle and finding you’re missing a couple of pieces, or in connecting the dots you missed a number and the picture isn’t fully complete. 

I traced the puzzle pieces all the way back to childhood trauma of injury and the rancid acts of sexual abuse and have been mentally working on those elements to heal portions of me that need mending but I see I’ve missed a couple of pieces that were instrumental in completing the puzzle namely psoriasis. Why had I skipped it and left that major piece of the puzzle out? Shame? Embarrassment? 

In the past three months of researching the causes of this illness, I found a missing puzzle link in the fungal skin disorder psoriasis and another one in underwire bras. I know right, who would’ve thought? I’ve worn underwire bras my whole life and thought nothing of the warnings that they could cause breast cancer. I just thought they were trying to scare people but now I think differently. 

I have bought hundreds of bras in my lifetime and some have padding in them BUT there is a slot where you can slip out the padding? You ladies know what I’m talking about? Well, there are no slots to slide out the underwire. I hope by this posting and putting the thought out there, it will soon come to fruition and makers of bras will make slots to REMOVE the underwire, to protect women instead of worrying about making money off of them. 

As much as the Big C is a billion dollar industry, so are women’s breasts! We have organizations that fight for animal rights, for abortion laws, we have people fighting for the food industry but why are women not fighting for their dignity back? They continue to allow men to demean them in ways of Fredrick’s of Hollywood, where they are allowed television time to be displayed and flaunted all the way down to fast food restaurants like Hooters and Twin Peaks. It’s demeaning and degrading and women worldwide are allowing this to happen.

While I’ve made marked changes in my undergarment wearing, I’m seeing the signs of healing and no longer wonder. Rarely in my lifetime has my psoriasis cleared up, but now it has been clearing. I had irregular periods last year (due to being perimenopausal) but recently it has returned, when it would stop for months at a time. There are signs I need to look for since I have no doctor willing to do any tests to see my progress, I need to be vigilant and actually look and SEE the signs of changes. Hopefully, I’ll listen to my instincts this time if it tells me this alternative method is not working. Right now, it IS working and my healing is moving forward.

I’m aching in places that fill me with wonder. Every bump I feel, I wonder. Every bite of food that goes in my mouth, I wonder. Every day that passes I wonder. The difference is this, I don’t wonder out of fear, I wonder out of expectancy… the expectancy of HEALING taking place!  

Pss. 139:6  “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”

Cancer

Pss. 16:9 “Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.”

Cancer

I was going to sugarcoat the title, dress it up for you and try to make it mysterious, but no, I’m all about the blunt truth of the matter. By reading this you more than likely won’t learn anything that you haven’t had a suspicion of at the mere mention of ‘breasts’ and ‘lump’.

I woke yesterday morning at 3:30 am. and knew I wasn’t going back to sleep knowing I had to be at the Dr.’s office by 8:30. I quietly scooted out of bed, allowed my hubby to get a little more sleep because something inside was telling me that this was going to be one of the longest days of my life.

After praying, making coffee, and settling in front the computer, I reflected on what *I* thought today was going to be. Yeah, that was shattered as soon as the doctor examined me! First of all, let me say, I now know why the young mousy looking doctor the day before had the look of serious concern hung on her face and had called this doctor immediately after inspecting my ‘lump’ and set me up this wonderful tell all appointment.

I’m glad she did but I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and go back to my boring ‘bring God to the people’ life! I guess God wants more, and I’m okay with that, alright?

I have to say, first of all, my little puppy (my left breast) has never received so much attention in my life! It was kneaded like dough the day before and this visit was no different, she wanted to see why a Hershey kiss was wandering around inside the soft dough instead of a little eensy-teensy chocolate chip, if you know what I mean. And worse off she brought an intern in to see what the real deal looked like before they popped it in the oven to be x-rayed under a microscopic crew of people!

This is where I heard the words. I was standing in a long tunnel and she seemed to be whispering, it didn’t help that she looked like the angelic Georgia Engel from the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Ironically on the day of MTM's death. 
The sweet voice, murmuring the words, “we’ll be here for you” she whispered, “we’ll get you through this.” My eyes just hazed over and I probably looked like I had just sucked a lemon because I was trying to make out the words as they were slowly coming into focus, the word, the sound -- c- an- cer.

I spat back, “What? How do you know without a mammogram, without tests?” Her eyes, fixated on mine, the tunnel coming back, “Many…women…come here, I know, I feel, I see.” I couldn’t make out one iota of what she was saying. A blur, a fog… I need my husband in here. 

The tears. This is going to be hard to read for the so many women who have been right here where I am; they know, they feel, they see, it hurts. I heard something about work and I proudly stated I was a writer. What kind of writing? Believe it or not, I’m writing, non-fiction, a memoir. Boy this more than likely will be the next chapter, I said via a little chuckle, through the dripping tears. 

My inability to walk, due to arthritis in my back was obvious so they offered me a wheelchair ride to the other side of the hospital for the mammogram, the c-t scan and then onto post op for the lovely ‘biopsy’. I could not have made that journey on my wobbly legs and my heavy sodden heart.

I think I’ll stop here because, this one day, the worst day of my life, warrants more than one post. As you can imagine so much filled that awful darkened day that I need to reflect on all of it before I forget. As if I could ever forget. 

As I wait for the official news, the one where it is verified that I am now on a journey of many women, I’m now one of you, I’m one who will be down the line cheering on other Breast Cancer Survivors. Because... don’t you cry for me, I AM A SURVIVOR! A FIGHTER! A DEFENDER OF GOD! 

All future posts you must read at your own risk, I will be blunt, I will smile, I will laugh and you will see for yourself a woman, who knows, who feels, who sees. 

Prayer, Light, and Love will carry me! God bless you all for journeying with me! 

Pss.20:5 “We will rejoice in thy salvation, and in the name of our God we will set up our banners: the LORD fulfill all thy petitions.”

Pss.21:1 “The king shall joy in thy strength, O LORD; and in thy salvation how greatly shall 

he rejoice."

Seeing LIGHT In The Dark

Prov.16:9 “A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps”.

Here’s My Take: Seeing light in the dark

I know many of you think me to be ‘flighty’ with the peppy step in my words. You can only visualize my happy-go-lucky happiness that I carry with me every day, so for many of you to hear of my breast dilemma it might come as a surprise that I’m taking it as lightly as I am. 

I think you all kind of understand my beliefs of right and wrong, good and bad, Light and dark, God and Satan. Yes, God and satan (nothing about him is proper so I don’t capitalize his name.) If you don’t understand then read my past seven years of posts to enlighten yourself.

For forty of my fifty years of life someone (or something) has always tried to steer me away from the truth and light that I hold dear to my heart and soul. Everyone thought me weird and strange because of my beliefs and many of you believe the exact same thing as I but have too much pride built inside yourselves to admit to it. I’m okay with that, I’m a warrior and I’ll carry that uneasiness for you. I got your back.

My take on the entire situation from my back problems to my breast problems is going to bring God into the equation as always, of course; with a little dash of satan tossed in because where there is Light there is dark hanging in the outskirts waiting to drown out the Light. 

Let me take you back in time a bit and remind you of my husband becoming blind. From the search for a new home (in Nebraska) to a new doctor to medical funding for a cornea transplant, all happened in God’s time not our time. Sure hubby would’ve liked not going blind at all but, such as it was, he did and got his sight back when God was good and ready for him to receive such a miracle. All of those years were fought with the Light and Dark.

Almost immediately upon the return of his sight, my back went haywire. I told you how driving for three eight-hour trips to Omaha did my back in (to me - four hours each way, three times in a week) and as much as hubby and his mother (she can make the Omaha trip in two and a half hours – each way) want to think otherwise, the driving did me in completely. Then we had to do it again when he lost his other eye completely. The trips through the high winds, torrential downpours all took its toll on my overworked back. With limitations on his driver’s license due to being blind in one eye, I was the sole driver in the household.

I went to get my back checked out by a Nurse Practitioner in town. I know they are not doctors but she would set me in the right direction, right? Wrong. She sent me to get an x-ray and I never heard from her again. The x-ray people called and told me I had Lower Lumbar Facet Joint Arthritis in my back and that physical therapy might help with the difficulty walking. Don’t ask how it was paid for because that was nothing short of a miracle also. 

Fast forward to four almost five years later and I still can’t walk right and of course, satan is all too ready to put negative stuff in my mind to have me thinking of all of the WRONG things, and searching google doesn’t help either. I’m sure most of you are accustomed to checking out headaches or insomnia only to find a dire explanation via WebMD or any other source??? Like, you have a brain tumor and death is imminent. Well yes, we’re all going to die, but google searches will have you there much faster than God ever intends.    

As much as I want someone to say this is all normal for a perimenopausal woman, I’ve had no such feedback from anywhere except the worldwide satanic web! It is the dark in a lightened path, I tell you!

So, here’s my take on this as whispers from God come into my ear but resounding trumpets blare in my ear from satan. In other words, I’m listening to that still, small voice who reigns my soul. I’m going to see the light where the dark tries to obscure my vision.

Matt. 10:27 “What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, that preach ye upon the housetops.” 

 I saw MS info on facebook and the meme seemed to be clearly referring to my disability since I have eighteen out of twenty symptoms. Now as I sit here today with hindsight and I see satan’s machinations at play to get me to believe in something that just isn’t true, I have arthritis AND I'm premenopausal! That’s it! I will NOT be put in a tube to be radiated to find out otherwise just so you know. 

The storm last week keeping me from my doctor visit? Somehow instilled fear in me that I hadn’t had up until then, I’ve been prancing around and joking because I don’t believe it is as serious as satan would have me believe. He used the FEAR of my aunt, uncle and father’s death to have me second guessing MY disability and illness. 

The ice storm Jupiter gave satan ample time to play with my head as I scurried to make a new appointment and had yet another week of waiting time. All time that he has to mess with my head. BUT, I don’t think he was expecting me to place God higher than himself. He expects everyone to listen to all his lies and deceit and as people listen, it then becomes their truth. 

HA! I have a lump on my breast, a cyst, it will be drained and all will be okay. And if this isn’t the case and the negative thoughts win out in the end and cancer is found and I’m given six months to live, let me tell you, I will die in the arms of the Lord because this will be HIS will and no other will can play in the game of chess except dark and light, white and black, good and bad, right and wrong. I love playing chess and yes, I ALWAYS choose the WHITE side of the board. I don’t ever remember in all of my life ever choosing the black side of the board. This is not racism, these are just colors, and technically neither is a color.

“When you photograph people in color, you photograph their clothes. But when you photograph people in black and white, you photograph their souls!” 

― Ted Grant

Luke 11:36 “If thy whole body therefore be full of light, having no part dark, the whole shall be full of light, as when the bright shining of a candle doth give thee light.”

Our God is an awesome God He reigns!

Breasts

Pss.22:9 “But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts.”

Breasts...the title alone got you to click

I imagine since the beginning of time, breast were being obsessed over just as they are this day and age. I imagine Eve tiptoeing toward Adam with her head hung low after biting the apple and having sex with satan and enticing Adam with the apple so he could see what she saw. 

His first bite opened his eyes and pierced his soul and what was the first thing his eyes beheld? Breasts, the alluring nakedness of her sensuous curves had him wanting her in a sexual manner. And there you have it, man has never gotten his soul returned to him. This is the very lust that man and woman must fight.

Today man objectifies, ogles, lusts, breathes and pants heavy just looking at breasts. Whether they are real or fake, small or big, round or sagging, men lust after breast. What they don’t lust after is the reality of all that breast really are. 

If the breasts are fake, man doesn’t see the scars that it took to make them that way, or the pain and stitches the woman had to endure so he would look at her and pay her any sort of attention. Without those fake breasts, she is just another woman in the garden.

If they are real, men don’t see what the woman has to go through with wires poking them to keep them up, or what pain a woman lugs around as they get too heavy to carry causing all sorts of back pains, or the natural way gravity takes a hold of them pulling on them making them look like dried grapes hanging on the vine. 

No, while the female anatomy is an obsession to man it is the very heart of motherhood. Breast are to sustain an infant's life. They are not to sustain a man and his libido but I digress…

Prov. 5:19 “Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” 

We have objectified women for centuries.

Cant. 8:10 “I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.”

From pin-up gals to Victoria Secrets runway shows, women are to be objectified in today’s society never looked at as part of the human species. I’m curious, do men objectify their mother? Do they see her as a sexual, sensuous being that has had sex with their father? No, they see her as their life-giving nurturer who sustained their very life and breadth of being, nothing more. But when men are grocery shopping, what is it that grabs your eyes at the checkout counter; exposed skin of a woman more than likely, not Field and Stream or a National Geographic magazine.

From Marilyn Monroe to Dolly Parton, from Farrah Fawcett, Daisy Duke to the today’s obsession of the Kardashian clan. No one thinks to see the breasts as carriers of cysts, or dormitories for cancer cells, or over-bearing back-breaking hindrances, no they only see what the images titillate the eye with, they never see an entire picture of the shell being portrayed.

Ezek. 17:7 “I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare.”

Which brings me to the reason for a much-needed doctor’s appointment. Cysts, tumors or something out of the ordinary has taken over my left breast. Yeah, that’s something to be looked at, a lop-sided woman. I should fear this event in almost every woman’s adult life but instead, I’m empowered to bring you my journey. 

Hos. 9:14 “Give them, O LORD: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts”.

I find it quite amazing that God places hindrances in your life for you to admirably overcome to only toss another one in to see how you handle THAT one. It’s like a one-two punch that you hear about but seriously don’t ever want to experience or have to live through.  

I also find it quite confounding to go through almost three years of blindness with hubby to watch the success of the miracle of him regaining his sight only for my body to take a mystifying fall almost immediately after his sight returned. I strongly supported him, now it is his turn to be my Hercules and support me. This is me and the journey of my life.

And so the story goes… Monday an ice storm is going to hit this area we live in and it looks like something is going to try and hinder me finally being looked at to find out what has taken over my body. As I said, I could be down, sad and scared but instead, I am amazed that I am worth this much trouble for God to choose ME to carry this to YOU! Praise be to God!

Keep me in your prayers as the story continues not without surprises and twists and turns. 

2 John 1:10 “If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed:”