I Had A Bad Day...

Job 7:14 “Then thou scarest me with dreams, and terrifiest me through visions:”

I had a bad day

When a nightmare wakes me throughout the night, this title should really be, I had a bad night. The other day I woke early in the morning not my usual chipper self. I woke in tears and tears defined the greater part of my day. I guess I'm allowed a bad day/night on occasion. Glad they're not frequent.

We usually wake and go shopping, but this day I woke grumpy with two inches of snow on the ground and heavy stuff still falling from the sky. This winter has been a temperature roller coaster ride as well as the ups and downs of emotions. Normally I have my emotions in check but here lately everything is triggering a reaction in me.

My nightmare began with a doctor visit located in a hospital room not much different than the room I was in last year when I received my diagnosis before being forced into test after detrimental test. 

In my nightmare the nurse squeaked into the room, tearing off linens on the bed across from me. She was running off in the mouth. I asked her what she was doing and she quickly spits out, “We’re prepping you for surgery. That breast is nasty looking and the doctor needs to remove it, or you’re gonna die, gonna die, gonna die.” The sound was echoing over and over.

“Wait, I’m not going to have surgery. I have a choice!” My voice didn’t echo like hers, it sounded more like a soft whisper.  

“But if you’re gonna die, gonna die, gonna die,” my husbands says with the echo now in his voice. His face was really close to mine as the echo made his face look like the wicked House of Mirrors.

“I am NOT having surgery,” I screamed that one pretty loud but still no one could hear me. It was like my lips were moving but everything went on, movements in the room heads nodding in disagreement as if I wasn’t there. I was seriously expecting Pennywise from the King book ‘It’ to just pop out and start cackling but instead…

“But you’re gonna die, gonna die, gonna die! It looks nasty, nasty, nasty,” the nurse cackled with an eerie looking grin.

You get the gist of the nightmare. Fear, laughing, taunting all in line before I forced the blankets off of me and battled the cold reality of the morning. Tears still streaming down my face, when my husband said something to me, I snapped at him. That is so unlike me! I said, “I just had a terrible nightmare, please don’t do this to me today!”

He shrugged and mimicked me until I looked at him with wet eyes and started bawling my eyes out. He realized it really had to be a bad dream for me to wake in tears.

He went on with his routine to start his day; I could see his mind wandering. He ventured outside to start his truck and brush away the snow on there from the windblown covering that blanketed his truck; only a total whiteout hindered any chance of venturing off to the store at this time. I was adamant about not going with him and carrying this negative crud through the store. My son was at work and heading home in the whiteout at this very time, so that added to my stress of the early morning.

When my son arrived home, he could see I had been crying, “What’s the matter?” 

“A nightmare! I had a bad nightmare!” I know I was snappy in my reply.

“It was just a bad dream,” he says downplaying my pain. He was just returning from an eight-hour overnight shift, drove through whiteout conditions and here I was snapping at him. 

There it was, the truth of the matter, everyone is so used to seeing me as the pillar of strength that when I’m in a serious bit of stressful turmoil they don’t recognize it; they downplay my pain and shrug it off. She’ll get over it, they figure to themselves. I couldn’t get over this, not quickly anyway.

I carried throughout the day a heavy chip on my shoulder and an old time movie projector in my mind, the nightmare kept playing over and over like a broken record, “you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die.” There was just no shaking the feeling or the nightmare. This gives night terrors new meaning.

I tried venturing onto Facebook, bad idea. I felt like everyone was laughing at me, taunting me, mocking me, and disagreeing with everything I’ve worked so hard for. They were not doing any such thing, but the nightmare had my paranoia levels up and shaking this was not going to just go away with a few passing smiles for the day.

Super Bowl Sunday was then spent napping and anticipating my long-awaited arrival on Monday, our new mattress! My back has been a problem for years now and I knew it was the fifteen-year-old mattress but I also knew we couldn’t afford a new one, but with the expectancy of an income tax check, I made the suggestion to my husband of a new mattress. We thought of the costs of a chiropractor for me and the mattress was much cheaper by far. With enough supplements for two more months, I was anxiously looking forward to a comfortable nights rest on a new mattress!

I didn’t put myself through the anxiety of a football game and my husband was kind enough to sit through a Disney movie with me instead of the year’s ending of the football show. Neither one of us watched football this year as it has become its own little world. No longer an enjoyable sport-like football game, it’s now added fluff and frufru make it a waste of MY precious time. He did catch the second half (he’s a man, whatcha expect) *wink-wink* and he enjoyed watching someone else win the Super Bowl this year. 

With the Philadelphia Eagles winning the Super Bowl it just reaffirms my hope that the underdog DOES WIN on occasion! It signifies that the underdog has a chance against the powers that be, the winners of society, the boasters, and braggarts, we little folk DO win! 

James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

Monday, the mattress came…

Pss.3:5 “I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.”

Walk In Faith

Matt. 6:30 “Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?”

Sometimes in this rushed and hurried world walking in faith is sometimes a struggle. This week alone I needed the armor of a tank to get through. I pulled a muscle in my neck or I have a pinched nerve. I don’t know which exactly it is but the pain left me almost immobile for four days straight. I looked out the window saw the sun shining but couldn’t move to go out and enjoy the seventy-degree days. That meant no walk, no bike, just rest. Sometimes we need to hold onto faith tightly and just trust the Lord in all He is doing.

It’s been one of those weeks where everything goes wrong in the beginning but by the end of the week it turns out to be pretty awesome. I learned a few things this week. I learned it is okay to ask someone for help to do something for you even if it feels like a bother, just ASK! 

I’ve had a pretty stiff neck for the past couple of weeks because of the way I sleep but nothing too painful. But Sunday when I decided to take the trash out and feed the birds, apparently the trash was too heavy as was the bird feed container I carry to fill the birdfeeder. I was too stubborn to ask my son or husband to do the chores for me and the experience taught me a lesson. Let the food in the trash stink up the place, whatever you do, don’t carry the hundred pound potato sacks! That’s how heavy the items felt but the weight was too much on my neck and it rendered me almost 99% immobile by Sunday evening. I could have saved myself a lot of pain had I just asked someone to do the chore for me.

Monday morning found me with my cane and heating pad (blessings) as I sat in my jammies the entire day slowly feeling better but continued resting. The more rest the better is the way I saw the situation. No clothes were washed, no cleaning got done; the men had to fend for themselves, and by the way, made sure MY needs were met. Yeah, they came through for me.

By Tuesday I woke to feel somewhat better but not well enough to clean, do chores and stuff but I was able, albeit a struggle, to take a nice hot shower. I had a writing assignment due and was at a loss on posting the thing, as I could not spend much time on the computer due to the literal pain in my neck! The slightest lowering of my neck or turning it to the left or right was a labor of pain; more rest was necessary. I would give my hubby a percentage of my progress, Tuesday I was at 50% percent feeling better than Sunday. I had washed a load of laundry but was at a standstill when it came time to retrieve the clothes from my very deep washer. I asked for help. I rested more than I worked. I knew my limits and adhered to them strictly.

By Wednesday I was at 80% better! Walking was not hurting, lifting was still an effort but bending my knees when lifting helped immeasurably. I had learned a lot of techniques many years ago when my grandmother had a stroke and needed physical therapy. I was the one who’d be with her daily so I needed to learn techniques in getting her to stand, to lift, to put shoes on etcetera. I didn’t know that I would need the knowledge for myself but it is quite amazing how the techniques all came back to me in an instant.

Wednesday found me asking my son to check the mail. I took over the chore when he got a full-time job working forty to forty-eight hours a week. You might find it funny that retrieving the mail is a chore but just to let you know, my mailbox sits I’d say a half a football field length away from the house if not more. I live in the middle of nowhere remember? The soil is soft, spongy and uncertain terrain in many areas that can jerk the neck into pain all over again so I steered clear of walking, biking and going outside on the beautiful spring-like days.

My mailbox had been overflowing with, you guessed it, the hounding oncology and radiology bills (still) and junk mail but also a card from the angel who has taken a mission upon himself to tuck me under his wing to aid me monetarily so I can continue buying the vitamins, nutrients and even the necessary food. This month’s donation may be used for a knee brace and a foot massager, as both of those will aid me in strengthening my bones and the ability to move in the upcoming cold months.

Since my YouCaring funds have been depleted, I’m on my own now. I should have enough vitamin supplements to get me to January, only because I spent the money wisely on the vitamins most vital to my healing. My physical address can be received by a simple email to jonismuse @ yahoo. com! Or you can ask one of my dear friends for my address as I allow a select few to know my actual whereabouts. Just ask. I would love hearing from the outside world during the holidays as this is going to be a very trying, different Christmas this year as I fight the battle of a lifetime. Unconditional love and support work wonders.

The Survivor

This little fella greeted me on my walk the other day, he survived the recent freeze! 

By Wednesday, late in the day, I felt 90% better so I ventured out and took a small fifteen-minute walk. I could have gone longer but I’m no fool, I will be taking it quite easy for a while before I get back into my crazy insane routines. 

“If diet is wrong, medicine is of no use when diet is correct, medicine is of no need.” ~ Ayurveda teaching

I am still on an extremely low sugar/low carb diet, among other things. The only sugars I get are from NATURAL sources like fruit! I know anything I tell you all about the harm you’re doing your bodies is basically a moot point because, like me, you’ll wait for a death sentence before ever changing your diet. I know we all basically live to die, but yesterday I think I made it quite clear what I’m doing, I’m living to live! Eternal life is my destination and as anything else in and out of this world, the endeavor is no easy task. I walk on faith and that has been one of my strongest assets throughout my life, this time is no different.

God bless each and every one of you for caring for me. That alone has healing powers! 

Deut. 32:20 “And he said, I will hide my face from them, I will see what their end shall be: for they are a very froward generation, children in whom is no faith.”

Breasts

Pss.22:9 “But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts.”

Breasts...the title alone got you to click

I imagine since the beginning of time, breast were being obsessed over just as they are this day and age. I imagine Eve tiptoeing toward Adam with her head hung low after biting the apple and having sex with satan and enticing Adam with the apple so he could see what she saw. 

His first bite opened his eyes and pierced his soul and what was the first thing his eyes beheld? Breasts, the alluring nakedness of her sensuous curves had him wanting her in a sexual manner. And there you have it, man has never gotten his soul returned to him. This is the very lust that man and woman must fight.

Today man objectifies, ogles, lusts, breathes and pants heavy just looking at breasts. Whether they are real or fake, small or big, round or sagging, men lust after breast. What they don’t lust after is the reality of all that breast really are. 

If the breasts are fake, man doesn’t see the scars that it took to make them that way, or the pain and stitches the woman had to endure so he would look at her and pay her any sort of attention. Without those fake breasts, she is just another woman in the garden.

If they are real, men don’t see what the woman has to go through with wires poking them to keep them up, or what pain a woman lugs around as they get too heavy to carry causing all sorts of back pains, or the natural way gravity takes a hold of them pulling on them making them look like dried grapes hanging on the vine. 

No, while the female anatomy is an obsession to man it is the very heart of motherhood. Breast are to sustain an infant's life. They are not to sustain a man and his libido but I digress…

Prov. 5:19 “Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.” 

We have objectified women for centuries.

Cant. 8:10 “I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.”

From pin-up gals to Victoria Secrets runway shows, women are to be objectified in today’s society never looked at as part of the human species. I’m curious, do men objectify their mother? Do they see her as a sexual, sensuous being that has had sex with their father? No, they see her as their life-giving nurturer who sustained their very life and breadth of being, nothing more. But when men are grocery shopping, what is it that grabs your eyes at the checkout counter; exposed skin of a woman more than likely, not Field and Stream or a National Geographic magazine.

From Marilyn Monroe to Dolly Parton, from Farrah Fawcett, Daisy Duke to the today’s obsession of the Kardashian clan. No one thinks to see the breasts as carriers of cysts, or dormitories for cancer cells, or over-bearing back-breaking hindrances, no they only see what the images titillate the eye with, they never see an entire picture of the shell being portrayed.

Ezek. 17:7 “I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare.”

Which brings me to the reason for a much-needed doctor’s appointment. Cysts, tumors or something out of the ordinary has taken over my left breast. Yeah, that’s something to be looked at, a lop-sided woman. I should fear this event in almost every woman’s adult life but instead, I’m empowered to bring you my journey. 

Hos. 9:14 “Give them, O LORD: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts”.

I find it quite amazing that God places hindrances in your life for you to admirably overcome to only toss another one in to see how you handle THAT one. It’s like a one-two punch that you hear about but seriously don’t ever want to experience or have to live through.  

I also find it quite confounding to go through almost three years of blindness with hubby to watch the success of the miracle of him regaining his sight only for my body to take a mystifying fall almost immediately after his sight returned. I strongly supported him, now it is his turn to be my Hercules and support me. This is me and the journey of my life.

And so the story goes… Monday an ice storm is going to hit this area we live in and it looks like something is going to try and hinder me finally being looked at to find out what has taken over my body. As I said, I could be down, sad and scared but instead, I am amazed that I am worth this much trouble for God to choose ME to carry this to YOU! Praise be to God!

Keep me in your prayers as the story continues not without surprises and twists and turns. 

2 John 1:10 “If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed:”

The Well Is Dry

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” 

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

The Well is Dry

After writing yesterday, I prayed about what I wrote and the reason behind why on earth would I share such a pity party post? Well, I know why, because even I have my bad days. People think because I laugh and make them smile that there is nothing wrong in Joni’s world, well let me tell you, there are things wrong in my world! 

Is it possible to focus too much on the Lord, therefore alienating yourself from the rest of the world? Am I to blame for all the angst in my life? I sometimes think I am. 

I’m trying to get back into writing and my well is dry. I woke this morning with a renewed faith when cool air kissed my cheek in the middle of summer. It was 6o degrees and a storm was about to erupt when all of a sudden, a poem came to my mind. The rain began falling, the thunder cheered with lightning displayed across the sky.

Was this God cheering me on? Was He letting me know He was right there and hasn’t left my side? It is as if He was filling my well with water to drink and words to write. The poem I wrote was, God is Crying. I normally write a poem, let it rest a day, then come back to the poem and fix anything that doesn’t work for me. Through the thundering morning and cool rain showers egging me on, I felt the need to post the words right away, so if you see something wrong with the poem, take it up with Him.

Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

I sometimes wrongfully think I’m in control of my life when I know full well God is in complete control. When I whine of the pain I’m in and cry about the reasons my disability hinders me from doing what *I* want to do, I have to remember who it is I work for first and foremost. If anyone remembers (you have to go back to my posts from 2011-12) my disability hit me after my hubby got his sight back after being blind for two and a half years. The many hours behind the wheel driving to and from Omaha, sometimes two times a week, (6-8 hour trips) took its toll on the lumbar portion of my back.

Had this happened while he was blind, I would have never been able to do the work that I felt God had called me to do and that was to take care of my man. Yes, that was basically the job I signed up for when I met my beau but it was so much more than that. God had His hands in the stew the entire time and he decided to whip it up a bit to see how I handled the situation. 

I’m allowed a day or two to feel sorry for myself, by dagnammit, no one else will or does for that matter so I feel I have to have my bad days or I’ll never rise up and be more than the pain that defines me.

It’s weird how me having a bad day warrants hits on my blog out the gazoo! My happy, joyful posts might get 13-20 hits but my woeful, pained posts near the hundred and over hit mark, how odd is that? When I began this blog, it was all about the writing craft and when I decided to make it about God, I no longer wrote for other people, the hits or the followers, I took on the challenge to write what God wanted me to write and what I felt that He spoke to my heart to say to the world.

I no longer write to satisfy everyone else, I never LIVE to satisfy others; I only live for God, pain and all. I realize that God has me this way because my heavy lifting, hours upon hours of driving, snow shoveling and overworking myself days are over. I would have never stopped so God made sure I stopped, maybe so I wouldn’t further damage myself, after all, He did see ahead of the steps I take, this is His plan and not one of my own selfish making.

Sure I would love to be able to walk normally again, to dance while dusting, to skip while vacuuming, to meditate while mowing the lawn but that is not God’s plan for me. His plan is for me to rest. Maybe he has something big planned or maybe not, maybe the walk in the cornfields is His plan for me. Nah, I know that is not His plan, He told me so. Now you’ll have to tolerate me a little longer!

I’ll end this post on a happy note. While my husband is complaining that the 61 degrees and rain is too cold for the month of July (he LIKES the 100 degree days), I am relishing the dampness of an eight-hour rainfall accompanied by a dark overcast sky with stormy weather erupting every half hour or so. I have washed clothes, dried clothes, and folded them all because my back loves cooler temps and affords me more mobility than normal. Praise be to God.

I have written two blog posts today and all is right with the world…for today. May you look at God’s plan as the master plan for your life and your own plans as selfish fodder. Life is already too short to be giving up when YOU are done, always remember it will last until God is done!

“We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.” 

– Mother Theresa

I Had a Bad Day...

Job 33:19 “He is chastened also with pain upon his bed, and the multitude of his bones with strong pain:”

I had a bad day…

If you’re looking for a happy-go-lucky post click a button that tells you to go to the next blog, this might not be worth reading for you today.

Yesterday I had a bad day. A good day to me is where I wake and can move without pain, that makes me happy. Tuesday I woke up and could move so I thought yay it’s going to be a good day. I always try to stay optimistic but here lately, I’ve lost all hope in optimism. With the world, with people, even with writing.

My body reacts to the extremely hot weather so much so my knees feel like balloons and if I try to do any outside activity they reach the bursting point and I have to return to the house and find solace sitting in front of the screen resting my knees but not my fingers. 

If you were one of those curious people who would ask a disabled person what is wrong with them, then I’d have to be honest and say, I don’t know. All of my vitality was sucked out of me as a Hoover vacuum went over my body and took most of the life out of me. Now I’m a barely walking zombie of sorts.

I live out in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the cornfields surrounding me in all directions. The only communication to the outside world is from my online friends and a daily call to my mother (twice on weekends). I can no longer drive because of my blurred vision so when my husband asked if I wanted to go to the mall Tuesday, I got excited, sure why not. (I often forget my disability and move full steam ahead without thinking, just ask my kneecap I cracked on the wall last week.)

I often feel like taking a walk into the cornfield until my legs buckle and just lie down and let the bugs eat me and wait for harvesting time when the big harvester of crops finishes off what is left of my body. Or walking through the woods and waiting for nightfall for the coyotes to come and devour me or maybe a mountain lion (who has been spotted in my area) would find me to be a good meal. No, I chose to go to the mall instead.

We get to the mall and no shopping carts, that make walking easier on me, are available at the mall. I made my way to the JCPenny door. Wow, I made it, now to make it allllllllll the way to the back of the store to the tiny shoe department. We must’ve gone up and down the two aisles of men shoes five times before it was declared, “I don’t see anything.” I know I’m a woman and should love to shop but I despise the event, even if it is online, I DON’T like shopping!

Let’s go to Shoe Express he says. He had seen the shoes he wanted online but here in the mall is the same store so they should be here, right? No, no they were not after hobbling all the way to the other side of the mall. We leave there without a purchase and pass another shoe store so we go in there. By this time the mall was slowly filling up with the bored-to-be-home-from-school-with-nothing-to-do people. Did you know people stare too long at imperfect people? Long glaring stares as if to say, “Is she faking or is she really wobbling, is she crippled, what?”

Another shoe store another no sale. I start making a beeline to the exit but we have to go through JCPenny because the truck was parked outside the entrance that we had come through. Great! The pain by this time was unbearable and my eyes started to water. No, wait, it wasn’t water, I made it to the truck, breathed a sigh of relief and began bawling my eyes out.

Now I’m throwing myself a pity party. I’m done, I’m just done watching the world go ‘round as I sit crippled unable to get help, for the pain, for a cure, for my life back. I wasn’t done living. I didn’t ask for it to be taken away and here I am hearing people complain because their pool water is too warm, that their A.C. is too cool, that their vacation wasn’t long enough, or that they’re tired from working too hard. The next step is a wheelchair, no other option for me but a wheelchair. (No the cane doesn't work for long walks.)

I sit here and stare out the window and watch the corn get taller and think to myself, maybe God will take me today, maybe I AM done. As the tears continue to roll down my cheek I realize, I made it home. I think I’ll wash clothes. No matter how making it through a day pains me, I’ll go on… God will be calling soon and I have to be ready to answer.

Pity party over...

Rev. 21:4 “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”