My Journey: I'm Home

Prov. 7:19 "For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey:"

“My faith is made stronger through trials, my strength more powerful through prayer.” ~ Joni

My journey continues: I'm home...

Friday, October 5th, we pulled up to the house. Being wheeled into the house, everything looked different, everything felt different, and to me, everything WAS different. My eyes kept darting to the left then to the right, I looked at things I had not seen for twenty-one days. The rooms either grew bigger because I wasn’t squished in a corner or shrunk smaller, ornaments were misplaced or moved, furniture rearranged or still the same, my dog Sassy was missing, as well as my son and I anxiously wasn’t sure what to make of my homecoming.

I’m home. I repeated those words in an eerie fashion, not much unlike Dorothy clicking her heels and repeating, ‘there’s no place like home’, mine was shortened but meant the same thing, I was HOME! In the safety of my husband's care. In the comfort of all I knew. In surroundings that were familiar. Home, the place where my heart was most secure.

Home to me took on new meaning. It meant no more trappings, no more nurses, no more poking and prodding, home meant to rest, for me anyway. To my husband, home for me meant he was strained with unfathomable responsibilities, new routines, new duties, more pressure, new to him caregiving. We both had major adjustments to get used to. Our wedding vow of ‘in sickness’ was now slapping us upside the head forcing us to embrace this segment.

He asked if I was ready to go into the bedroom but right at that moment, I just wanted to be placed in front of the window and stare out, repeating ever so lightly, I’m home, over and over again. No squirrels or birds to greet me, just an open cornfield that by the time I returned home was already harvested. I missed harvesting season, my highlight of country living. I call the squirrels and birds my animals and as I looked out the window, I could see my animals had not been tended to while I was away. This would soon change, just add another thing to the honey-do list mounting. This list would grow over the weeks as I was being cared for and lessen in the months, as I would heal with time and I could fend for myself. That day was still too far away to grasp.

My husband had asked if I wanted my computer but my mind was blank, still struggling with the fact that I was in new surroundings. While I missed my friends immensely and knew that they awaited word from ME, not my son saying I’m okay. They would have to wait three more days for me to make an appearance on Facebook to announce, “You can count me down but never count me out!” 

Everything in its time. It took time to adjust to home living again. It took time to acquaint myself with what it felt like being alone. It took time to understand that I was dependent on other people for my well being. Yes, God handled the majority of my spiritual care and for that, I’m grateful beyond measure but getting used to being home was a task for my family and me in and of itself. 

By the time nightfall came, fear was creeping in like a fog looming over me and holding me entombed in its presence. I held tightly to the blankets as I pulled them closer to my chin, tears were rolling down my cheek, and I began praying for a peaceful night sleep and for God to watch over me because this was a mind-numbing scary first night home. 

Steven would sit quietly at his computer tapping ever so lightly on the keys knowing I was safely in his care. I would listen to the new sounds surrounding me and map out the next days' task. As my eyes scanned the shadows on the wall, my mantra seeped from my lips, again and again, I’m home, I’m home. Now the journey of healing would begin to take hold.

Mark 5:19 "Howbeit Jesus suffered him not, but saith unto him, Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee."

Walk In Faith

Matt. 6:30 “Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?”

Sometimes in this rushed and hurried world walking in faith is sometimes a struggle. This week alone I needed the armor of a tank to get through. I pulled a muscle in my neck or I have a pinched nerve. I don’t know which exactly it is but the pain left me almost immobile for four days straight. I looked out the window saw the sun shining but couldn’t move to go out and enjoy the seventy-degree days. That meant no walk, no bike, just rest. Sometimes we need to hold onto faith tightly and just trust the Lord in all He is doing.

It’s been one of those weeks where everything goes wrong in the beginning but by the end of the week it turns out to be pretty awesome. I learned a few things this week. I learned it is okay to ask someone for help to do something for you even if it feels like a bother, just ASK! 

I’ve had a pretty stiff neck for the past couple of weeks because of the way I sleep but nothing too painful. But Sunday when I decided to take the trash out and feed the birds, apparently the trash was too heavy as was the bird feed container I carry to fill the birdfeeder. I was too stubborn to ask my son or husband to do the chores for me and the experience taught me a lesson. Let the food in the trash stink up the place, whatever you do, don’t carry the hundred pound potato sacks! That’s how heavy the items felt but the weight was too much on my neck and it rendered me almost 99% immobile by Sunday evening. I could have saved myself a lot of pain had I just asked someone to do the chore for me.

Monday morning found me with my cane and heating pad (blessings) as I sat in my jammies the entire day slowly feeling better but continued resting. The more rest the better is the way I saw the situation. No clothes were washed, no cleaning got done; the men had to fend for themselves, and by the way, made sure MY needs were met. Yeah, they came through for me.

By Tuesday I woke to feel somewhat better but not well enough to clean, do chores and stuff but I was able, albeit a struggle, to take a nice hot shower. I had a writing assignment due and was at a loss on posting the thing, as I could not spend much time on the computer due to the literal pain in my neck! The slightest lowering of my neck or turning it to the left or right was a labor of pain; more rest was necessary. I would give my hubby a percentage of my progress, Tuesday I was at 50% percent feeling better than Sunday. I had washed a load of laundry but was at a standstill when it came time to retrieve the clothes from my very deep washer. I asked for help. I rested more than I worked. I knew my limits and adhered to them strictly.

By Wednesday I was at 80% better! Walking was not hurting, lifting was still an effort but bending my knees when lifting helped immeasurably. I had learned a lot of techniques many years ago when my grandmother had a stroke and needed physical therapy. I was the one who’d be with her daily so I needed to learn techniques in getting her to stand, to lift, to put shoes on etcetera. I didn’t know that I would need the knowledge for myself but it is quite amazing how the techniques all came back to me in an instant.

Wednesday found me asking my son to check the mail. I took over the chore when he got a full-time job working forty to forty-eight hours a week. You might find it funny that retrieving the mail is a chore but just to let you know, my mailbox sits I’d say a half a football field length away from the house if not more. I live in the middle of nowhere remember? The soil is soft, spongy and uncertain terrain in many areas that can jerk the neck into pain all over again so I steered clear of walking, biking and going outside on the beautiful spring-like days.

My mailbox had been overflowing with, you guessed it, the hounding oncology and radiology bills (still) and junk mail but also a card from the angel who has taken a mission upon himself to tuck me under his wing to aid me monetarily so I can continue buying the vitamins, nutrients and even the necessary food. This month’s donation may be used for a knee brace and a foot massager, as both of those will aid me in strengthening my bones and the ability to move in the upcoming cold months.

Since my YouCaring funds have been depleted, I’m on my own now. I should have enough vitamin supplements to get me to January, only because I spent the money wisely on the vitamins most vital to my healing. My physical address can be received by a simple email to jonismuse @ yahoo. com! Or you can ask one of my dear friends for my address as I allow a select few to know my actual whereabouts. Just ask. I would love hearing from the outside world during the holidays as this is going to be a very trying, different Christmas this year as I fight the battle of a lifetime. Unconditional love and support work wonders.

The Survivor

This little fella greeted me on my walk the other day, he survived the recent freeze! 

By Wednesday, late in the day, I felt 90% better so I ventured out and took a small fifteen-minute walk. I could have gone longer but I’m no fool, I will be taking it quite easy for a while before I get back into my crazy insane routines. 

“If diet is wrong, medicine is of no use when diet is correct, medicine is of no need.” ~ Ayurveda teaching

I am still on an extremely low sugar/low carb diet, among other things. The only sugars I get are from NATURAL sources like fruit! I know anything I tell you all about the harm you’re doing your bodies is basically a moot point because, like me, you’ll wait for a death sentence before ever changing your diet. I know we all basically live to die, but yesterday I think I made it quite clear what I’m doing, I’m living to live! Eternal life is my destination and as anything else in and out of this world, the endeavor is no easy task. I walk on faith and that has been one of my strongest assets throughout my life, this time is no different.

God bless each and every one of you for caring for me. That alone has healing powers! 

Deut. 32:20 “And he said, I will hide my face from them, I will see what their end shall be: for they are a very froward generation, children in whom is no faith.”

Don't Give Up!

Pss.4:1 “Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.”

So many mornings I rise from bed forgetting I’m disabled and I stumble out of the bedroom door almost tripping over my sleeping dog. When my eyes fully open and the pain kisses me good morning, I remember I’m disabled and go over what it means to me on that given day.

I could return to the bedroom, plop down on the bed and pull the covers over my head but I won’t allow myself to get to that place where I don’t want to face the day. I’m not giving up that easy. I don’t know if it is right or wrong but I start to think of the people who have it so much worse than me.

There are people who wake up and need assistance getting up. There are people who need an aid with them twenty-four hours a day. What I’m saying is that there are people much worse off than me and here I am dealing, okay?

I’m here to tell you, DON’T GIVE UP! There is always, someone somewhere out there dealing with a life that is much worse than the one you’re dealing with. Often it doesn’t feel like there could be anyone or anything out there in the world with a situation or health problem worse than yours but really look around you, intently digging for someone who is a little worse off, or extremely worse off. 

It can be as extreme as the homeless man living under the bridge in a cardboard box with sores crawling up his body that needs medical attention but is not getting the help he needs. It could be the single lady down the street with a full-time job, and five kids who doesn’t have enough food to feed the family and no husband/father around to assist. It could also be someone as simple as the man raging passed you on the road, eager to leave you in his dust, that is worse off than you. 

When we’re off climbing our own mountain, struggling with each step, we rarely look around us to take note of who might have it worse off than us. Imagine climbing a mountain in a wheelchair. You might see it as impossible to do any climbing but to the person in a wheelchair, they’re climbing mountains on a daily basis that you or I might have thought impossible. 

It’s all in perception. We live in a world where everyone is always thinking about themselves and how bad it is for them. From a selfish perspective, they are worse off than ANYONE they look at when in reality, there is always someone struggling just a little bit harder than you.

About a month ago, my mother-in-law unintentionally hurt my feelings. I had said how uneasy I felt with my husband and son off at work and I’m alone to do ALL of the chores (in my disabled capacity) especially mowing the lawn. “Well, I mow my own lawn.” Yes she knows of my inability to walk well and yes she knows my age but she was comparing me to her, an almost 70-year-old. 

It hurt only in the fact that I sat envious for a moment. Like when hubby and I went to WalMart and I sat in the car under a shade tree. I watched as older women unloaded their groceries from the cart into their vehicle. I sat with tears welling in my eyes; I sat with a tissue in hand pacifying the tears and pitying myself. 

After getting over myself I fought! I fought tooth and nail not to see myself as a weak individual! Sure the immense ninety-degree heat would hinder my outside chores but I would not allow anything to hinder my inside chores! I can write, vacuum, wash clothes, cook, clean; I can do a lot of stuff others only wish they could do and instead of pity, they have my empathy. I totally relate to all you can and cannot do on a new level.

Instead of resentment of the older folk doing more than me, I now felt contentedness in knowing that God is taking care of them and has enabled them to do and live as long as they have. They’re out there overcoming the mountain and it filled me with delight. Just so you know, God is taking care of me too, just in a different way and I’m okay with that. 

I remember years ago when I had to take care of my grandmother after she had a stroke. She was wheelchair bound and full of negativity and actually resented me for my peppiness and positive view on life. Here I was full of life and she felt her over active lifestyle was taken away at too young an age, she was eighty when she had her stroke, and she gave up trying almost immediately after being released from the Physical Therapy Hospital she had been placed.

Years later while on her deathbed when I called to speak to her, (I was in Texas, a million miles away it seemed) she asked for my forgiveness in the way she had treated me when I cared for her. She was remorseful and she let me know that she loved me but she was now afraid to die. Her not having a religious bone in her body, I assured her that God would take care of her and I felt with every fiber of my being, that He would/did! 
“How do you know?” she asked. 
“He doesn’t give up on anyone!” I assured her.

I felt confident in saying that God doesn’t give up because it is my faith to believe. If you don’t give up, God surely won’t give up on you in your desperate time of need. In self-pity, in selfish envy, in pride and shame, He doesn’t give up, nor should YOU!

Matt. 18:33 “Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellow servant, even as I had pity on thee?”