What's in a grade?

Mic. 7: 4 The best of them is as a brier: the most upright is sharper than a thorn hedge: the day of thy watchmen and thy visitation cometh; now shall be their perplexity.
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Well the other day report cards came out. Believe it or not this is the third one since August 16th.  I was reminded of how, in my day, (didn’t you always hate hearing those words, in my day? Now I’m one of them.) a report card came three times a year? December, March and our final one in June.

Now I don’t get grades on my writing, but if I got a report card, it would scare me I imagine, as it scares kids when they don’t know what will be on that report card. Writers want to hear good things about themselves and again, I think kids do too.

I home schooled my son all his life so this report card thing was new to me. A government run school system grading my child and taking matters in their hands as to what is best for him, that scares the beejeebies out of me. I don’t trust very easily, and with each report card, I see why.

My neighbor kid told me he passed last year with straight C’s. I said, "well that’s not good." He went on to tell me he already knew everything so school was stupid anyway.
A ‘C’ to me was a 70 average.

My son this week, received an Ace Award for his excellence in Art. He loves art, excels at the class and was honored to receive such acclamations from his teacher. Kids love praise, there’s a no brainer. At the parent/teacher meeting he got all excellent reviews on how mannerly, responsible, respectable and how he’s an all around great kid.

Grades...they numb the child. Never having been in school in his life, the past three months have been challenging to him to say the least and I see him growing with each obstacle. I am not the kind of parent who needs to have an over achiever in my family so I look good. I am happy because my child is happy. Parents will agree, they want nothing more for their child than to be happy.

The grading system in my brain: 95-100 ‘A+’, 90- 94 ‘A’, 85-89 ‘B+, 80-84 ‘B’, 75-79  ‘C+’, 70-74 ‘C’. So when my son’s report card came in the mail, and I see a straight line of eighties, I’m happy! Only to find that the schools grading system has the letters listed as C’s and C+'s. ???? I don’t understand. Now I'm discouraged!

I remember years ago, they said they were going to do away with the Alpha system because it put pressure on the kid. It made them feel incompetent in places that they knew they did their best. Isn’t doing their BEST, what it’s all about? To me it is and it is acceptable. I EXPECT NOTHING MORE!!!

While parents and school systems push their children into athletics and over-achieving, I am happy my child, taken from a home based school system being thrust into an extremely difficult society of, sex driven over achievers, he is doing his best and I am a proud mother.

You want more from my child? When you get blood out of a turnip!

Decisions, Decisions...

Everything changes when you change. ~Jim Rohn

Woulda, coulda, shoulda, have to!

Ever run these through your brain.

Have you ever had a decision to be made, only to find that someone else took it upon themselves to make it for you? Can I ask, how did you feel and where did that leave you emotionally?

Me? I run on emotions. I get my fuel from the drinking pool of the Word, but my physical emotional state runs neck and neck with the ‘do this’ pool. I’ve been talking a lot about pools lately. I must miss Texas!

I personally like to make my own decisions. Whether it is to clean, mow, write, mope. These are the decisions I like to make for myself and when someone pipes in, “You have to do (clean)this,” or “You should (write) do that,” or worse, “Joni is going to (get a life) do this...” it always makes me want to run in the opposite direction and do something completely off the wall, you know, just to stir things up in the ‘pool’ of life?

I don’t like someone to tell me or anyone else (gossip) what *I* am going to do, when *I* haven’t even made a concrete decision in what I was going to do in the first place. I don’t like buckling to pressure. I don’t think anyone does. It makes a person feel incompetent in making his/her own decisions.

I remember telling people, I’m going off to become a writer, within a years time, they were like, “Did you write that novel yet? Make any money? You should get a real job! You would be better off. Think of what you could have.”

Yup, it’s the woulda, coulda, shoulda factor.

Pressure shatters me like a delicate vase on the ledge of a windowsill of an opened window. Any minute, I could come crashing down and break into a million pieces. If you’re going to tell me WHAT to do, why not put a vise on my head and turn until my brains pop out?

Yes, I have written a novel, I have a poetry book(s) in the works, my revisions are slow, finding a publisher is next. But will you share the truth of what I just said or will you spin your own take on it?

“Joni has found a publisher!” they say.

“Joni is a writer, and is going to be published. She said so herself.”  they retort.

Love that optimism people. Encourage me to keep it up! Say things like, “I hope you make the right decision.” Help by adding, “I know this decision must be hard and I know you’ll do the right thing.” But please, oh please don’t tell people I am definitely going to do this or that, unless I’ve told you that this is what I’m definitely going to do.

Encourage a writer to write, but don’t discourage them by saying, “You’re not published yet? I thought you were going to do that years ago?” Years ago I said I was going off to become a writer, and yes, that is exactly what I’m doing! WRITING!

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. "~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Thought-filled Thursday

Lam:3:11 He hath turned aside my ways, and pulled me in pieces: he hath made me desolate.
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I will not go down...

Psalm 16:9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.
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As a writer I feel as if I am in my own little world within my head. Thoughts run like a freight train in circles until one end catches up with the other.

They circle like kids on a maypole these thoughts of mine and maybe I’ll be able to turn them into a story. The only problem is, these are not of the fictional tales these are downright gut wrenching life tales! Soul searching spiritual revelations!

I can’t remember a time in my life where things were just pleasant as a peacock. I mean, I’ve always strived for feeling good, Lord knows I’ve tried. Sometimes not always choosing the right method for feeling good, but I learned my lesson, moved on and became what I thought was a better person.

I drift through the aisles of the days like a fog laden morning. I wonder if the eggshells will break in my hand or will the mirror crack into a thousand pieces. I’m afraid to turn and look to see if what I’ve done has caused a train wreck, a disastrous train wreck that pummeled through my year and left only pieces to be cleaned up.

I hang here in the gallows of Christmas time scurrying here and there taking care of matters but what is this hanging on the boughs? It’s my sanity, dangling like a partridge in a pear tree, dangling like the clapper of a bell, back and forth, clinging, clanging to what it is that holds me here on this Earth.

I realize that nothing is as perfect as it seems and everything can use a little glue to hold destroyed bits and pieces together. Suppose it’s a lost part? I’m thinking you just either need a shiny new unblemished trinket, or enjoy the broken torn blanket that you carry and be grateful for having something warm and treasured to cling to.

You know what I’m saying? Why throw away the old, when what you have is here? Now! I’m not prefect, never will be, but then no one else is perfect either because we all have little bits of ourselves scattered around the years that could use a little bonding to pull us back together.

I’m tired of hurt, pain, disappointment. I’m living for the moment and whatever it slams into my face. If I break, I have the Lord to fill in the gaps and holes and in the end...I’ll mend.

A writer’s life is insanity.

(to be continued...)