Fusion Of Confusion

Job 23:12 "Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food."

The Fusion of Confusion

I have to admit, what gets me down these days is the confusing mess of foods. For the past four months I’ve read this, that and the other thing. Eat this, don’t eat that, try this, this FEEDS cancer, leaving me in a total state of confusion and seriously just want to be left alone! 

A perfect example is this from this link.

“Your alkaline diet should be primarily based on organic leafy green vegetables, cauliflower and cabbages, broccoli, herbs and spices, root vegetables, beans, nuts and seeds, lentils and peas, onions, garlic, leek and chives, and non-gluten grains such as rice in small amounts.”

Now from ChrisBeatCancer and The Truth About Cancer says NO to nuts except almonds, and NO to beans and lentils and NO to grains! This kind of puts me in a state of confusion as I’m trying to fight this battle. I get so frustrated with so much mixed information!

This weekend was one of those weekends where everything I did seemed wrong, everything I touched seemed to break, and everyone I spoke to I feel I spat words instead of used encouraging words. I just wanted to be left alone. It was my anniversary and we already committed to going to our nephews' marriage. He is my husband’s sister’s step-son (from a previous marriage on her husband’s part) but an honorable young man none the less.

I knew being around all of those people was really going to put a strain on me, and my husband said it’s because I don’t like being around people. I think he’s wrong, I love people but here lately the enemy is filling me with doubts and judgments, anger, frustration and disgust.

It hasn’t even been four months since my diagnosis and I’m just expected to be the old me who wasn’t told she has an illness. An illness that scares the world but I’m expected to wear a brave face constantly and I’m moving along in my stride, trying my best. Sunday the fourteenth I sat in repentance and now I need to heal from my sin. Writing helps me to actually SEE the errors of my ways, and humility will bring me sharing them with you, my reader, the ones who care for me and will pray for me.

The week before, we went to a graduation where there were hundreds of people. The graduation and people didn’t bother me as much as not being able to go out and eat afterward. Then the wedding, the same thing happened, I didn’t feel strong enough to go to the reception where food, booze and people (who all appeared healthy) were going to be. 

My husband is a people watcher. I’m sure many of you can relate. You go to the beach not to drink in the health of the sea, but to basically watch people. You go to carnivals and fairs and what do you wind up doing? Watching people, it’s human nature I understand that. Here lately, I do not feel human!

I feel like one of those old beat up, run down cars sitting on someone’s property, just there to one day be worked on, but in the meantime, it is just there. I go to a graduation and I’m just there, a wedding, just there. I’m rusty and corroded while everyone else is shiny, sporting new do’s, new clothes, ten-inch heels, strutting like they have no care in the world, looking like a picture of health and then there is me, I’m just there.

My neighbor, who is a hoarder, has three cars sitting over there, they’re broken down but they look like they work. They don’t look bad at all, other than them clogging up the property. That’s what I feel like, I’m just here clogging up the family, having them worried and concerned if what I am doing is not insane when there are drugs out there to help me. 

I allow myself some down time and then I repent because I KNOW I am stronger than this. I KNOW I can beat this and I am the most optimistic person in my corner. Pastor Bill said something that struck me, he said, “When you’re sick sure, go to the doctors but know who the ultimate physician is.” And he gave a scripture James 5:13-15. (look at that number that is the date that I got married.) 

James 5:13-15  "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him."

So as the enemy works on filling me with doubts and having me second guessing myself, I’m trying to be the fixer-upper that I know resides in me. All of the negativity and hate that people spew is not helping the matter so I need to stay away for awhile so I can build the strength I need to get through this. 

Yes, in time I will have more strength. What I eat and what unhealthy living habits others eat and drink won’t bother me, but right now that is causing me to want to spew hateful comments and that is NOT WHO I AM!! I’ll continue to pray for you.

I just received a message from my mother that her brother has been placed in hospice and will be passing soon. His ex-wife just died in April and their son passed in December. Prayers are definitely needed as my God saves me while taking others. 

I have left my email address on my facebook account in case you don’t see me or hear from me, THAT is how to contact me. I will be deleting my other account soon so THAT is not an option of contact. 

I am grateful for those who have continued their support of me and I pray for those who don’t. I am not weak, I am STRONG and glad to be alive and find life so worth living, I am taking care of myself to see that I continue. 

God be with you all! 

2 Tim 1:7  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

I'm At A Standstill

Hebrews 1:14 “Are they not all ministering spirits, sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation?”

I’m at a standstill

Can you believe I need a break from writing? I’ve written and written and now I just want a break but as usual, I’ll ask the Lord what He wants me to do first. I've just had a tiring grumpy kind of week, so let me vent a little.

I’m bogged down with too much information and I’m dismayed by negative misinformation. You see, I live in a state that believes GMO’s are not harmful because their government put out a bulletin stating such. They believe crops should be sprayed with chemicals and ingested with no worry of harm. 

They also believe cannabis should not be legalized for medicinal usage because it will entice kids to smoke weed. Forgetting that their kids smoke weed WITHOUT marijuana being legal, but let’s keep the MEDICINAL USAGE away from people who NEED this PROVEN medical breakthrough!

They believe kids should be given twenty vaccines within a two year period and again, believe what the government feeds them. Instead of believing scientific factual statistics proving some of these vaccines are harmful to their kids, causing autism, ADHD or brain damage. 
Read this heartbreaking story. No, it’s not scientific facts, this is a human beings experience with vaccination! 

But guess what, some states are NOT ALLOWING the freedom of CHOICE to make the vaccination decision on your own! THAT is the America you live in, run by a mega-rich reality TV star and his family.

I live in a state that believes conventional methods are the ‘right’ methods and people and doctors who don’t believe in their conventional methods are ‘quacks’. So you can see what I’m up against here, while my other account on FB is for my family I have to basically abandon it if I’m to continue to heal.

You might want to note that even chiropractors were thought to be quacks at one time and now they are an accepted practice to healing the spinal problems this nation has. Maybe this being the twenty-first century and all, more of the conventionalists will come around and start accepting and allowing non-conventional treatment. I can’t afford to go to twenty different doctor’s to find one that’ll work WITH me, the closest Naturopath is over 100 miles away in Lincoln. All I have where I am is TWO (yup TWO) extremely conventional oncologists. 

While I usually go over to my other FB account to visit my nieces and all their baby pictures, I get bombarded by GMO’s are good posts. I’m slowly eliminating any view of the continuous feed of misinformed conventionalists. I am also subscribed to Breast Cancer Alternative Treatments and even they are depressing. While I go for support of other women doing the alternative route all over the world, there are too many women posting that they went conventional, are now sorry and need information to guide them. As much as I love helping people, I’m not at the stage where I feel knowledgeable enough to help in this field.

My healing is dependent upon love, friendship, support and positive flowing energy. I know all this ‘energy’ talk may go against your conventional methods but as you can read, I’m a quack amid the good company of men and women in the medical field that also are choosing to go against the grain of traditional methods to HEALING!

What I don’t understand is why is there even a market for the organic growing of fruits and vegetables, vegetarian fed chickens and meat, or raw milk if GMO’s are so healthy for you? You’re not going to tell me that vegetarians and vegans had this impact all by themselves. I think people realized you know what, why do those eggs fresh outta my friends chicken taste better than store bought processed eggs? 

Why are farmers afraid to admit that eating pesticides is like adding one too many dashes of salt to your food, you’re going to pay in the end. Is it all about money? Will they make less money and lose more crops if they DON’T use fungicides, pesticides, Round-up? I know there was a time when farmers used to depend on good ol’ God for taking care of their fields; I guess they gave that up to the rising economy. 

After going to the food store one too many heartbreaking times, I need to isolate myself from basically the world and all of the negativity. This is a sad world and it isn’t going to change because Joni’s sick. Nope, I have a funny feeling it is just going to get sicker and sicker, blinder and blinder, darkened and more darkened. And to think they wanted me to spend the last days hooked up to a poison machine? No thanks, I’ll drink in God and await His arrival. 

I have to thank my special friends who take their time and their money to think of me. When I get down and grumpy, I need to see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel and in all honesty, they are all I have besides God, to lift me up where I need to be… HEALING that’s where I need to be! You are truly a blessing to me. You know who you are. <3 and="" b="" hugs="" tight="">