Fusion Of Confusion

Job 23:12 "Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food."

The Fusion of Confusion

I have to admit, what gets me down these days is the confusing mess of foods. For the past four months I’ve read this, that and the other thing. Eat this, don’t eat that, try this, this FEEDS cancer, leaving me in a total state of confusion and seriously just want to be left alone! 

A perfect example is this from this link.

“Your alkaline diet should be primarily based on organic leafy green vegetables, cauliflower and cabbages, broccoli, herbs and spices, root vegetables, beans, nuts and seeds, lentils and peas, onions, garlic, leek and chives, and non-gluten grains such as rice in small amounts.”

Now from ChrisBeatCancer and The Truth About Cancer says NO to nuts except almonds, and NO to beans and lentils and NO to grains! This kind of puts me in a state of confusion as I’m trying to fight this battle. I get so frustrated with so much mixed information!

This weekend was one of those weekends where everything I did seemed wrong, everything I touched seemed to break, and everyone I spoke to I feel I spat words instead of used encouraging words. I just wanted to be left alone. It was my anniversary and we already committed to going to our nephews' marriage. He is my husband’s sister’s step-son (from a previous marriage on her husband’s part) but an honorable young man none the less.

I knew being around all of those people was really going to put a strain on me, and my husband said it’s because I don’t like being around people. I think he’s wrong, I love people but here lately the enemy is filling me with doubts and judgments, anger, frustration and disgust.

It hasn’t even been four months since my diagnosis and I’m just expected to be the old me who wasn’t told she has an illness. An illness that scares the world but I’m expected to wear a brave face constantly and I’m moving along in my stride, trying my best. Sunday the fourteenth I sat in repentance and now I need to heal from my sin. Writing helps me to actually SEE the errors of my ways, and humility will bring me sharing them with you, my reader, the ones who care for me and will pray for me.

The week before, we went to a graduation where there were hundreds of people. The graduation and people didn’t bother me as much as not being able to go out and eat afterward. Then the wedding, the same thing happened, I didn’t feel strong enough to go to the reception where food, booze and people (who all appeared healthy) were going to be. 

My husband is a people watcher. I’m sure many of you can relate. You go to the beach not to drink in the health of the sea, but to basically watch people. You go to carnivals and fairs and what do you wind up doing? Watching people, it’s human nature I understand that. Here lately, I do not feel human!

I feel like one of those old beat up, run down cars sitting on someone’s property, just there to one day be worked on, but in the meantime, it is just there. I go to a graduation and I’m just there, a wedding, just there. I’m rusty and corroded while everyone else is shiny, sporting new do’s, new clothes, ten-inch heels, strutting like they have no care in the world, looking like a picture of health and then there is me, I’m just there.

My neighbor, who is a hoarder, has three cars sitting over there, they’re broken down but they look like they work. They don’t look bad at all, other than them clogging up the property. That’s what I feel like, I’m just here clogging up the family, having them worried and concerned if what I am doing is not insane when there are drugs out there to help me. 

I allow myself some down time and then I repent because I KNOW I am stronger than this. I KNOW I can beat this and I am the most optimistic person in my corner. Pastor Bill said something that struck me, he said, “When you’re sick sure, go to the doctors but know who the ultimate physician is.” And he gave a scripture James 5:13-15. (look at that number that is the date that I got married.) 

James 5:13-15  "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him."

So as the enemy works on filling me with doubts and having me second guessing myself, I’m trying to be the fixer-upper that I know resides in me. All of the negativity and hate that people spew is not helping the matter so I need to stay away for awhile so I can build the strength I need to get through this. 

Yes, in time I will have more strength. What I eat and what unhealthy living habits others eat and drink won’t bother me, but right now that is causing me to want to spew hateful comments and that is NOT WHO I AM!! I’ll continue to pray for you.

I just received a message from my mother that her brother has been placed in hospice and will be passing soon. His ex-wife just died in April and their son passed in December. Prayers are definitely needed as my God saves me while taking others. 

I have left my email address on my facebook account in case you don’t see me or hear from me, THAT is how to contact me. I will be deleting my other account soon so THAT is not an option of contact. 

I am grateful for those who have continued their support of me and I pray for those who don’t. I am not weak, I am STRONG and glad to be alive and find life so worth living, I am taking care of myself to see that I continue. 

God be with you all! 

2 Tim 1:7  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

A True Christmas Tale - poem by Joni!

 Job 10:12 “Thou hast granted me life and favour, and thy visitation hate preserved my spirit.”

A True Christmas Tale

 A tale was told one Christmas eve,

Tis' better to give than to receive.

But I have no gift, my pockets bare,

I am but a poet, my poem I'll share.

I rose from my bed on Christmas day,

The sun was peeking down where I lay.

I crept down the stairs so I could see,

Had Santa left gifts under my tree?

I wasn't surprised, left unamazed,

I stood at my empty tree and gazed.

No gifts to give, my heart did ache,

But I would go on for Christmas' sake.

I threw on my clothes, rushed out the door,

Just what is all this excitement for?

I have no gifts to give to thee,

No presents were left beneath my tree.

So how can Christmas be happy and gay?

What is the secret that makes this day?

I swung open the door, to my surprise,

My family was sitting before my eyes.

Greetings exchanged, hugs of embrace,

Smiles that lit the entire place.

"We're glad you're here, accept this gift.

Maybe then your spirits will lift."

I saw in their eyes a special glow,

That sunk my heart, and let me know,

That they were giving with deepest love,

For God had signaled from above.

The spirit of Christmas is a radiant gleam,

That shines through the soul, in a warming beam.

I have felt that warmth throughout the year,

By spreading laughter, joy, and cheer.

But a chosen day was set aside,

For all of our arms to open wide.

So the gift I give has no ribbons or bows,

I'll give you peace that warms and glows.

I'll tell you I love you, I'll make you smile,

I'll see that your visit was worth the while.

I returned to my house, I plugged in my tree,

There sat a star gazing down at me.

I looked at the star with wondrous sight,

For God had appeared that Christmas night.

I was given the secret of Christmas eve,

Tis' better to give, than to receive.

Author’s note: I wrote this when I was 18

But it is still one of my most favorite Christmas

Poems that I wrote! May it go down in His-tor-y!

Merry Christmas to all

And to all a good night! 

Another Year (poem)

Psalms 116:8 “For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.”

Another Year…

Another year has passed us by

We’re told to laugh and never cry

Sometimes our eyes don’t know why

A tear rolls down our cheek.

Another year has come and gone

Often struggle to face the dawn

Too many days I just hold on

A tear leaks from my eye.

Another year with all I’ve lost

My family torn it’s what it cost

Memories of the miles I crossed

The tears they never stop.

Another year with Christmas day

Without you here the price I pay

Our lives enhanced is what I say

The tears begin to stop.

Another year in which I fight

To know if what I did was right

And when I see the star filled night

The tears all wash away.

A note from the author:

For forty years I've written my mother and father birthday and holiday cards. This is one to my mother this Christmas. After my dad passed away last year, the tears flow more easily but I am healing, my mother, not so much, she's lost the love of her life and no words, (not even my poems) can take the pain away. 

Think of people who are alone this Christmas without their lifelong spouses, or lost children. 

Christmas is NOT a MERRY time for ALL. 

God Bless one and all!

A Not So Merry Christmas

Job 17:7 “Mine eye also is dim by reason of sorrow, and all my members are as a shadow.”

Well yesterday I wrote about people being offended by the term Merry Christmas, but today I’m going to write about the not so Merry Christmas. When I was younger I had joyfully wished an older woman a Merry Christmas. She blurted out, “It’s not so merry to me, I just lost my husband.”

I almost cried because I in no way meant to intentionally hurt her feelings but how was I to know she had just lost her husband? I know we don’t mean Merry Christmas as a bad thing but to others who are mourning a husband, or grieving the loss of a child or who are just alone at Christmas with no family, to them it is not a ‘Merry’ Christmas. We need to be sensitive to them, not because we want to be politically correct, but because we need to have a compassionate heart for people and what they might be going through during the Christmas season.

If someone was to wish me a Merry Christmas, I’ll just nod my head and say thank you and wish them one but only I know that this isn’t going to be the merriest of Christmas’ for me, it just isn’t. I’m definitely not going to blurt out, “I just lost my dad, what’s so merry about it?” 

My husband lost his father over twenty years ago and the death of his dad isn’t as fresh to him as the death of my father is to me. I’m not minimizing his loss in any way but he never talks about his dad or the love that they shared, it’s just a mute point. He still has his siblings and mother to share the season with and I have no one. I have his family, I know, but understand it just isn’t the same as hugging MY mother in her time of need.
My mother is back home going through the days of loneliness without me there and it is going to be a very sad Christmas for me not being home. This will be her hardest Christmas ever.

I’m not trying to bring anyone down with this post, by no means. I want to see people happy and celebrating the season for all that it is; a joyous season. Just because I’m not going to be decking the halls and prancing around singing Ho! Ho! Ho! doesn’t mean that you, if your truly happy, shouldn’t be celebrating the joy of the season.

This will be the first year that I write a solo poem for my mother for Christmas and I already told myself that it isn’t going to be a sad one that will have her crying and missing my father and also missing me being there. Nope, I’m going to try and write a sappy, funny limerick to make her smile! I’ll share it with you, my readers and see what you think of it before sending off, assuming I get it done in time. 

My mother already sent a ‘gift’ for Steven, Adam and myself but the real gift will be ‘The Box’! The box I am anticipating like a kid waiting for Santa. The box will be filled with memories of my father and just a couple items that he treasured. I long to hold a piece of him in my hand one last time, to allow the aroma of him to sink into my nostrils and know that he touched the items and loved them. It will be a tear-filled day for sure.

My mother was waiting for a necklace with my dad’s fingerprint on it to put in the box, which she bought from the funeral home, but it wasn’t ready so she’s sending me the box anyway and will send the necklace at a later date. She bought one for my sister and me, and my brother bought her one with my dads ashes in it that will be worn close to her heart where my father will always remain. 

So there IS some joy in my season yet to be had and that is feeling my dad close to me as I sit missing him. While many of my siblings are dealing with guilt of not knowing my father as well as they would have liked, I don’t have that guilt because in my heart I know we had a special father/daughter relationship where I told him I loved him, frequently when I called home. My last words to him were, “I love you, dad!”

Pss. 69:29 “But I am poor and sorrowful: let thy salvation, O God, set me up on high.”

Merry Christmas

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, 

stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

― Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

Do you remember the days when Christmas or saying Merry Christmas wasn’t questioned? No one ever thought of it as a religious holiday or even turned a side-glance in voicing the theory that Christmas was just a way to shove religion down other people’s throats.

Christmas was always celebrated as a season of giving, with lights and bows adorning houses, gleeful exchanges of Merry Christmas to one another, and toys, we can’t forget about the toys. 

It was a time of the year that families got together, exchanged gifts, ate good food and reminisced about earlier days of Christmas joys that were shared by one and all. It was a time where people gathered around the tree and maybe sung some carols; looked at the beautiful lights on many houses and maybe even drove around the neighborhood to look at the other people and their houses to see how they decorated and celebrated Christmas.

I remember days when Christmas was anticipated not dreaded. My dad always made us wait to put up the Christmas tree until Christmas Eve, in later years maybe two weeks before Christmas and we always took it down after January 7th, after Little Christmas.

We excitedly waited for Christmas knowing there would be toys involved, we’d see family that we never saw much during the year and there would certainly be a lot of laughter and joy during the season. 

The season of giving has turned into the season of greed, materialism, selfishness, and ignorance and let’s not forget the political correctness of it all. Don’t you dare say Merry Christmas because it might offend someone!

Who does Christmas offend? Does it offend the Jewish? No. I’ve heard many say that Christmas doesn’t offend them; they have their Hanukkah/Yom Kippur. Furthermore, they don’t believe Jesus was the Son of God anyway so no, they’re not offended. Are the Muslims offended? They don’t believe Jesus was the Son of God either, so no, I don’t think they’re offended.

Exactly who DOES Christmas offend and why are we being forced to use politically correct terms? I got it, it offends those who think that God should be taken out of our government and Nation. But doesn’t our nation stand by “In GOD we trust.” 

It helps if you understand what the Christmas celebration is all about, celebrated by billions around the world. It isn’t just an American holiday celebrated by the Christians. It is celebrated by all kinds of people from all walks of life, Christian or not. You as a human being can celebrate it or not. If you’re offended, then DON’T celebrate the season. It is as simple as that. The offended are the non-tradition holders.

The people who are offended are usually the people who have no God, no spirituality in their life and no cares for tradition or for the season. In years past the Christians were not outnumbered but as of recent days, people are of many different cultures/ religions/ denominations and thus offended by the Christian. 

We are not shoving our Christianity down your throat we are just paying homage to the traditions of our country (in this case USA) and therefore we continue in Christmas celebrations. Do you celebrate your birthday every year? Of course you do, it is a yearly tradition. No one is offended by facebook forcing others to know when your birthday is and therefore receiving many well wishes on your birthday.

No one seems offended by other holidays just the ones where Christ is involved. Again, our yearly Christian traditions! No one is forcing you to celebrate them, no one is making you take part in any Christ celebrations, we Christians are celebrating with a million other folk. Just because you’re in the crowd of non-believers, should we change the way we celebrate the millennia of celebratory TRADITIONS?

Should we give Atheists a holiday? Is it a tradition passed down for centuries? No? Then no, they should not just pop up and demand a holiday. You see what I’m saying? We are celebrating TRADITION that has been passed down from generation to generation. We didn’t just come up with this holiday and begin shoving it down your throat. 

Granted the holiday has taken on new shapes, forms and meaning to different people and the Christian doesn’t cry afoul of the stores demeaning their holy day for material prosperity.

We sit back and watch as stores demoralize the tradition of Christmas. The merchandiser starts right after Halloween, they make people work on Thanksgiving and even they have ruined their Black Friday event that pushes people (literally) into the materialization of Christmas. This is not what the Christmas Holiday is all about and as you sit offended by people saying Merry Christmas, I as a Christian sit offended by the destruction of a Holy Day, a day that *I* celebrate as a holy tradition. 

Christmas to me now is just another day to gather with some family. It no longer holds the traditional lore that I grew up knowing. Technically, it isn’t even Jesus’ birthday; it’s just a tradition holder. And so I go on celebrating Christmas... in a spiritual manner. 

Luke 2: 8-14 “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”

photo by Elaine DeBaucher