A Deadline Looming

Pss. 95:1-2 “O come, let us sing unto the Lord: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation. Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms.”

Deadline Looming

You might be wondering how I hold back the fear from creeping into my days and nights. You might also wonder how I can prove that fear doesn’t rule my being. Well for one, would I be able to sleep for eight hours a night if fear was leading me into bed? Would I be a happy-go-lucky face the day kind of gal if I allowed fear to run my days? That’s my proof right there and all the proof I need.

A year and a half. That’s what the oncologist gave me. His exact words were, “I give you about a year and a half to live without chemo.” I don’t know if that’s the type of fear he instills in all of his patients to get them to submit to slice, dice, drugs, and radiation, but in my eyes, it is a brutal fear tactic that wasn’t working on me.

Sure I wanted to crawl in a box and hide, never to be seen again but that was just my way of accepting this diagnosis, knowing full well I was not committing to what TWO oncologists wanted for me. The first oncologist pressed on my tumor and lymph nodes so hard, tears came to my eyes. It was a most painful exam. I had the bruises to prove that it was not a normal way of examining a person but when I complained I heard the ‘pffft’ sound as if my pain was being waved off.

The second oncologist spoke ill of my first oncologist saying, “she’s not right in the head.” This showed me that the only two oncologists in my area were vying for the money and would take great measures to work against one another. I don’t know if that is normal but I do know that BOTH were supposed to be working for ME, not the other way around. 

I set out on my adventure with just a canteen full of water and a backpack. The doctor’s and I had a parting of the ways since they felt I was killing myself and I thought they wanted to kill me, instead of helping me. That’s what it feels like out here in the middle of nowhere like my Lord and me are climbing a mountain alone. All I have is natural water from the stream and the fruits of the earth surrounding me on my journey. I’ve been climbing, step by step to get to the summit, the summit where I’ll declare I’m healed of this dastardly disease.

July 2018 is looming in the shadows, which is the year and a half mark, the mark that I’m still alive and thriving in LIFE. While I’ve lived my life grateful for every twist, every turn, every up and every down, this year is the one I’m most grateful for. I’ve had the chance to see who my true friends and family are that really care, I’ve had the luxury of losing weight that I didn’t even know I needed to lose! I’ve had the wake-up call of a lifetime and am being granted the opportunity to CHANGE! 

We wake up every day with a sunrise and a chance to change our lives. Some choose not to change, some choose to stay the same but will whine and complain consistently, some will wake and want to change but don’t know where to begin. I say have HOPE! There is hope in every aspect of life and if you can’t, won’t or don’t embrace HOPE, you are not embracing life or the chance to change for the better.

When the oncologist gave me a year and a half to live, I gave myself HOPE that only God gets to decide when I live or die. There are many people who choose to guide their own life, make their own decisions on which way to go. Me, I let God decide for me what path I take to reach the summit.

Many people walk in fear. When a doctor gives them an ultimatum, they have no choice but to believe what they say because they were raised to believe that the doctor would never lead them astray. As I watch with eyes wide open at an addicted and overweight nation, I pretty much can see that the doctors have led these people to slaughter. The doctor is choosing when the people will die and that is the bottom line. They hold lives in their hands and I’m not seeing a rise in success stories, I’m seeing a rise in deaths. 

I sometimes amaze myself with which the stamina I have in every waking day. I never wake and think of what can go wrong in the course of a day; I rise, put a few coals on the fire and face the seconds wrapped in the warmth of my Lord knowing each moment will be a day of gratefulness in living. I never allow fear to hold the reins of my life. 

When I view my life, I see black and white, pages and pages of paper with words on them filling in my life story. When I glance out at the world, I see a stack of blank pages. People are blank papers with no story, no gratitude, no life worth writing save for but a few.

I realized something yesterday as we were shopping for our Thanksgiving Day meal; there were stacks of blank pages all blowing in the wind as if a high-powered fan blew them into existence. People not concerned for the person in front of them or behind them, they were more concerned with what was in the palm of their hand, a technological tool that steals their soul and leaves them empty.

I came home from the store to find the gratitude I woke with. I have food, delicious earth formed food right at my fingertips. I have love and hope for every waking day. I’m thriving putting words to paper and living each day to what I deem worthy of ME! While the technology of my life may sit in the backseat for the next seven months, I’ll be driving the healing home where it belongs, thriving in me! This Thanksgiving I will celebrate being alive and eternally grateful for the chance to CHANGE all that has gone wrong inside of me and to face any fear by throwing hot coffee in its face! Take THAT! 

Pss. 23:4-6 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.”

AMEN!