And The Beat Goes On

Pss. 55:6 “And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away, and be at rest.”

And The Beat Goes On

In between all the angst of the chemo days, a lot of cruddy things happen in what seems like the beat of a drum. One thing, two thing rat a tat tat, and the beat goes on. This might be the proof I needed to show you that NEGATIVITY breeds NEGATIVITY! All of the instances below began at the beginning of the acceptance of Herceptin, it's when everything was negative to me.

In the midst of our illnesses (my hubby's and mine), our three-year-old fridge decides to make an extremely loud clanking noise in the middle of the night. Loud and irritating, (fridge not hubby) my husband decides to be jarred awake and go bang on the side of the rowdy fridge. The clanking stopped, but the momentum had the cookie jar on top of the fridge, toppling over, the lid came crashing down on the floor shattering into a million pieces, and at three o’clock in the morning, clear eyes are not to be had! Clean up. * sigh *

Then our twenty-year-old clothes dryer decides to play the fridge game and begins its own riotous annoying noise. Not at three a.m. and still heating and drying, its all good, just a pain in the EAR!

His twenty-one-year-old truck decides it’s going to do some booming and banging and as we were heading home from the doctors one day the clanking was obviously the muffler, that had fallen off, dragging behind us. We pulled into a safe place (there are no safe sides of the road here), and hubby pulls the muffler off and places it in the back of the truck. We don’t litter. More sighs are in the works with maybe a few eye-rolls. Next...

Hubby looks all over for his thirteen-year-old phone. I hear something heavy and noisy clanking (this post title should be clanking) in the washer that he had just loaded and started up. I tell him the noise doesn’t sound right from a new washer, but as a man (all men) who don’t listen, goes on with his day, until its time to get clothes out of the washer and what drops to the floor? His phone! The old phone went through the entire wash, rinse and spin cycle. He fruitlessly tries to save it, to no avail. He panics. Our phones are everything to us out here in the middle of nowhere with no landline. Besides being a shop-o-holic, the man is addicted to technology (like the rest of the world)!!!!!

I finish up the clothes, drying and folding and putting away as he runs off to the store to buy a new phone. Payment will just be added to our bill so no out of empty-pocket cash necessary. My anxiety rears its head because it just seems like everything is hitting us and hitting us hard. The fridge, the dryer, the truck, chemo crud, and a clinging cold/allergy session, and now, the phone.

Two hours later he returns with what they had to offer. A deal. UH OH! I hope he didn’t… he did. He fell for what they had to offer: a Smartphone and a FREE tablet with all the fixins and trimmings. A case, a keyboard, and they even tossed in some GPS thing for the car. Swindled. A week later he was returning, the phone shield (not free) and protective phone cover, keyboard to the tablet and the case (also not free). For what they were charging him HUNDREDS of dollars for, he purchased on Amazon for under fifty bucks!

I happen to despise the smartphone and everything that it stands for. I’ll hold my ground with my stupid phone as long as I can, but wouldn’t you know it, ironically, maybe less than two weeks later since his purchase, my phone stops working. Keys don’t function, the battery barely holds a charge, and the only key that worked in the end, was a way to get my contacts before my dumb-phone went dark, never to open its eyes again. 

I cried! I wanted my stupid phone! My only active contacts on the phone were my texts to my son, a text to hubby when he was on break at work, and two calls on the weekend to my mother. That’s it! Now the phone has gone into the ether. What will this poor woman do??

Hubby snapped into action, he ordered me a phone online and it would take two days to arrive. Thank God my son has a FB messenger app that when I write to him from Facebook, it goes right to his phone. Two days not talking to him, my lifeline, would tear me to pieces. Facebook finally came in handy! The only problem? With our phone service (I have no idea what it all entails, and I don’t care to know. Technology is a blank to me, a total blank!) the only phone they force on you is, you guessed it, the Smartphone! They offer NOTHING but smartphones! 

So my phone conveniently goes up in a puff of smoke when his phone was accidentally fried. Now I'm forced to get a new phone. It’s a conspiracy. It seems everything can and is going wrong like a train derailment skidding into a stop position but no sign of slowing any time soon.
But wait all of this began happening when my perky positive self took a turn for the worse. I’m an optimist, positive sharer of love, and giver of smiles and joy, but when I knew I was going for chemo in the vein, my world toppled! TOPPLED! I lost hope, I lost laughter and joy and optimism. Optimism is what God wanted me to have but hope was veiled, I couldn’t find positivity and every single day it is a struggle to see the Light shine, and lack of sun and warmth is no help.

Also on the familial level, I feel like a forgotten soul. Do you know how hard it is to love online Spiritual Family, that actually embraces me daily, more than any other family I'm connected to? Don’t get me wrong, I love the families God has surrounded me with but it is hard to see people as caring with an every-three-month email or visit (if that) saying I’m praying for you, hope things are okay. I’ve shut down. If you want to know how I am ask ME, I’ll be glad to tell you, if you don’t ask, I won’t, it’s that easy.

I’ve written a blog for well over ten years. My family could sure learn a lot about me if they read the pain in my words but no, they’ll wait until I pass and say, “How come I didn’t know about this?” Well, you did but you didn’t care enough to read the very heart and soul of the one you claimed to have loved.

Now to turn this around into a positive! I HAVE to see positive beauty in life, the life I WANT to live and not give up on. I have a husband, a son, and a Spiritual Family that cares for me, touches me, and gives me strength every single day to go on and be the me they know me to be! I am HER!!! It’s just hard digging her out of the trenches the sandy soil has encompassed me with.

The truck still runs, the chemo might get better, we did get new phones (that’s a whole different story) and my hardy Salvias are trying to peek their heads out and show me that life IS worth sticking around for. Until I got wind of a Blizzard Warning for the end of the week. HA HA HA HA! 

I’m looking up! I need to continue writing because that is the emotional healing that I NEED. Where you all follow along, read, and support me, my family here doesn’t know much at all and is full of questions. That pretty much sets me back because my path is NOT the path they’d choose, nor would any of you for that matter, but you RESPECT my chosen path! I love you for that. 

When I say I don’t look forward to living. The family gasps! You guys reading this understand me and know that this is just a phase and offer prayer, support and strength as I wiggle my way through this setback. You lift me up and make me WANT to live! Give me a REASON to live! And just as I typed this I peeked at Facebook before posting this and here’s what greeted me. “Our thoughts and feelings have an electromagnetic reality. Manifest wisely.” 

I think my Spiritual Family actually gets this, I thank you and love you for knowing and understanding me! Manifest positivity and it powers through! Manifest negativity and everything can and will go wrong. 

Mark 1:10  "And straightway coming up out of the water, he saw the heavens opened, and the Spirit like a dove descending upon him:”

January 4th - Fill In the Blank

Rom. 3:23 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

January 4th, 2019

Today arrived which meant more physical therapy: step up, step down, up/down 20 times right foot, 20 times left foot. Then the Cane Walk, 4 laps around the fitness area with my CANE, and then more exercises. I remember my doctor asking me once if I thought this ‘physical therapy’ stuff is working and with my mouth almost to the floor I said YES! I could not have gotten this far alone!

I can almost taste taking my walks again. I look out the window and visualize the event. The weather being in the upper forties for over a week now, melting snow with puddles that mimic swimming pools, and next week being a repeat with a couple of fifties in there make me wonder if this is the calm before the storm. If it's not, then I’m thinking that stupid groundhog got his months mixed up. 

My physical therapy is moving right along and the weather is being generous in that I don’t need to wear numerous layers of clothing. The new year snuck up on me and caught me preoccupied with things other than writing and finishing my story. So I begin the New Year filling in the blanks. 

This month also marked the arrival of chickens. CHICKENS, can you believe it? They might have arrived in December but again, my brain and a timeline are not in sync yet. I’ve lived out here on this closed down former Turkey Ranch for ten years now and have seen some of the strangest things!

I’ve had a fox walk past my window, I’ve had baby raccoons curl up in the corner of my steps (my son has video proof!), I’ve had what looked very much like a groundhog just mosey on up the path outside my window, I have had close encounters with the voles tearing up my lawn, I have eight pigeons that currently live in the Old Mill tanks, and a stray labrador appeared just after my father’s passing and is still here, and the list goes on and on. Did I mention my cardinal reappearing who hasn't been seen since last spring?!?!

Wild Turkey’s have wandered these cornfields for years but disappeared when the Turkey Ranch was active a few years ago, they knew slaughter when they smelled it and stayed away! They’ve returned in full force, I have about ten huge birds that visit my bird feeder as well as chickens! My son tells me I have to watch what I wish for. He remembers me for years saying I wanted chickens, then since my illness began I wanted free roaming ones. Then here they come, beautiful as ever, appearing out my window on a warm day, pecking at the birdseed meant for the birds that the squirrels have taken a liking to; I don’t mind at all. These are the highlights of my Days of Healing! 

They disappeared when we had a freeze, high wind, and snow, but hubby says he still hears the rooster crowing somewhere down the road. Now I want them back! I grow attached to my animals. I’m a nature lover at heart, animals are my friends, plants, trees, rocks, and butterflies are my meditative love. God is the internal Spirit that bestows these things upon me and I LOVE them as He’s asked me to do, what can I say.

Zech. 4:6 “Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the LORD unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.”

Zech. 4:8  “Moreover the word of the LORD came unto me, saying,” 

Rejoice and be happy, write and tell your story, rest for a season, share for a reason, and know, I am the Lord your God, with me NOTHING is impossible! I go in peace!

All praise and Glory to God!

Rom 8:6 “For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.”

The First Sunday of Advent

Isa. 2:2 "And it shall come to pass in the last days, that the mountain of the LORD's house shall be established in the top of the mountains, and shall be exalted above the hills; and all nations shall flow unto it."

🙏The First Sunday of Advent 🙏

When I begin to reflect on the First Sunday of Advent, I often get asked, ‘Are you Catholic?’ and I say no, no I’m not. It is my time to reflect and rejoice on the relationship I have with my Lord and Savior. I tend to reflect and rejoice year round but Advent to me is a time where the world is so caught up in commercialism and materialism, Advent gives me a solid base to hold onto so I don’t get ensnared by the trap that man lay.

When I was diagnosed with a disease most people fear ever being told, they cling to that fear as it guides them through the treatment of their choice. When I was diagnosed, after a good-days-worth of tears well spent, I climbed into what some would call my ‘denial cloak’. They might be right but I was not accepting this diagnosis as a death sentence and I certainly would not put my life in the hands of people who make it a point of feeding fear and prescribing much-needed drugs as an answer to feeding that fear. Please, do not argue my stance with me, it is MINE. People think I’m crazy for believing the Bible and all it says about ‘fear’, it NOT being from God. You can’t take that word 'fear' literal now, can you? Or can you?

Mark 4:40 “And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?”

Advent to me is all that God is to me, Light, purity, sincerity, and most of all a TRUSTWORTHY RELATIONSHIP!

Isaiah. 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

He strengthens me in the way I should go and guides me in what I strongly believe to be the right direction, FOR ME! I say, FOR ME because we all hear, see and feel God differently as individuals. Christians (I myself included) have a tendency to justify their actions all based on a scripture they read. We justify daily living because ‘God said so’ and we are strong in what we believe whether we believe the earth is a mere 6,000 years old or 6 million years old, we ALL justify our stance because we read it in scripture.

Then it comes down to name calling and finger pointing, which to me, is judging one another. Justification. Is it justification if GOD spoke the word to you, not you read it in the Bible, but because God really placed it on your heart and you believe Him to be a trustworthy source? God does not dish out FAKE NEWS!

Did God tell you that one of your versions of the Holy Bible (KJV, NIV, or any of the numerous other versions) is the most accurately recorded?

Did God tell you not to put a Christmas tree up? Or to put one up?

Did God tell you to celebrate His sons birthday every year?

God told me that His WORD is the version I should trust the most.

God told me to love ALL trees and creation! Celebrate LIFE and BELIEVING in HIM the way YOU want! Even if it means the joy of lighting a Christmas tree!

We could justify every question above with a Bible verse that stands the tests of time and rigors of dissection. We do it because we BELIEVE! There ya go! Advent to ME is BELIEVING God wants me to celebrate His son every second of my day, not just once a year. God wants me to meditate on His word in any way that my focus is on Him (a candle, stones, rocks, a picture, or some wordless music) and not the false idols that religions, the world, politics and social media leads you to believe. Note that I said wordless music? I said that because I save the music with words as my praise to Him.

This is my life to Him, for Him, and in Him! 
I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

I'll Stand 

As you go through this Christmas season, don’t let it bother you whether you celebrate Advent or not, don’t worry if you have a tree or not, don’t point fingers at those who believe differently than you, don’t envy your neighbor because they go all out when you can only afford to do YOUR all.

I can 100% assure that God is saying “When giving, give your all, to ME!” That is when our focus is on Him and not the world.

May the Light of the Lord rain down on you and wash over your body. May you drink Him in 
and it be a well within your soul.

The Story Begins - ER visit One

2 Cor.12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

ER visit One...

The first ER visit was the one that got the pebble rolling wherever I was being led on this path. The ride of a lifetime was sweeping me into its arms. And so the journey began. I'm not going for time consistency right now and will get back to it at the editing phase and make the timeline more clear. After the first ER visit, everything seems a fog, it was the first time in many many years that a hardcore drug entered my body, Percocet.

I couldn't breathe that night, my chest seemed to be tightening, the air in my lungs minimal and by morning, Steven accidentally missing his alarm, called for him to be at home that day and me needing to be driven to the ER. We drove to the Emergency Room entrance, pivoting to a (hospital owned) wheelchair, making it from car to hospital sign in, the formality and tagging began. This is where my birthdate would be the most uttered words over the next couple of months.

The ER2, 3, and 4 were all maddening visits in their own stage. While in ER1 I was told what the x-ray had shown. That my disease had metastasized (spread) to my liver. "Mets to the liver," he said. I didn't blink. I sat, I stared and quite honestly thought, 'and so it begins'. Don't ask me what 'it' was, I hadn't figured that part out but was assured in the deepest depths of my being, my sacred place, that I would know, and also I would know when it was time to share.

I left the hospital in tears, only a cane in my hand and my husband by my side. A blur, that is the only way I can describe it. I felt like I wanted to shelter this news in a cocoon and allow only one or two (okay, maybe three) people know that I was now Stage 4? I think that's what they call it when it has spread. Hey, some is still a blur. I'm still in my healing phase. It was at this time that I was told that I should use a walker at all times and think about getting a wheelchair. I should also make an appointment with my GP (General Practitioner) if for my pain and my inability to breath should I need medication to continue. The spot, I was told, was pressing on my lungs, making it feel like the air was being restricted. My oxygen level was 97%. 

Rolling right along I went. I made a GP appointment and thus began the struggle between illness and law. She was hesitant in prescribing Percocet 'because of the 'LAW', so she prescribed a delicate drug that did minimal assistance to my pain. Being raised in MG's placed me in the ER again, the pain too much to bear.

ER2 found me visiting by my first ever ambulance ride. Unable to breathe and a lot of pain in my lower extremities. The meds my GP gave me, obviously were not working and little did I know that the Opioid crisis running rampant across the nation would imprison medication to aid me but could be prescribed for 30 days only, then its, "SUFFER American, your illness means nothing to us, we have a drug problem here!" My illness is defined by legalities, stigmas and the good old Almighty Dollar! UNLESS you find a caring doctor.  

This doctor had NO PROBLEM prescribing my medication. I am Stage 4, what's going to happen to me, I'm going to become addicted in a couple of months or worse overdose and die? Get in line, we're all going to die some way somehow eventually and DRUGS are NOT going to take ME down! BUT I was now given a choice. I was ‘encouraged’ to go the chemo route. I was gently nudged to an Oncologist. I also sat nodding my head in utter disbelief I was going through this. I needed my son and husband. I had no idea what to do.

I think this is where I hopped on the merry-go-round for a spell. FEAR wrapped its long fingers around my neck gripping with flames of fire. Messages, mixed and otherwise were scrambling through my head. I heard them but I could not discern. Surely enough, I was on the fatal merry-go-round from a Ray Bradbury novel.

Friends and family were getting concerned, seeing that this was my second visit to the ER after all. I made the decision to see an Oncologist. Miracles were evident and prayers were being answered at this time. Some people like instantaneous answers to prayers but I AM LIVING PROOF, prayers are answered in the most minute ways. You might not see Steven missing his alarm clock as an answered prayer, but had he been at work and I, home alone? ER visit 2 brought me to a possible third oncologist looking at my disease since last year.
Think about the ramifications had God not intervened.

To be continued…

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” 1 Peter 4:10 (NIV)

Poetry Sunday ~ Autumn's Gate

Matt. 6:22 "The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light."

Autumn's Gate

The pumpkins sit

nestled in the cold

surrounded by dry

leaves gone old.

The empty feeder

lonely and bare

swings to and fro

in autumns air.

The wind lifts death

skyward bound

places it gently on 

the frost-kissed ground.

The season seen

as ill-spent time

the leaf now burrowed

in mud and grime.

The secret's hidden

in the sleeping season

with eyes on the sparrow

gives Spirit new reason.

Matt. 25-26 "Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

Gateway to Health: Spirituality

 John 4:24 KJV “God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.”

Some people are defined by the religion they practice whether Catholic, Methodist, Baptist etc., the list goes on and on. I like to think I am defined by my spirituality, not a religion.

A healthy spirit is needed to get through the muck and mire that life deals you. Just as a healthy body gets you through illnesses attacking you and an unhealthy body has your immune system putting you on notice that, guess what, you’re not healthy.

One might ask how to obtain a healthy spirit and I can honestly wholeheartedly say, this is one thing on earth you can’t get with the almighty dollar. You can’t tithe and donate your way into a healthy spirit, you can’t buy candles or stones and think your way into a healthy spirit, you can’t get a vaccination against the evil spirits lurking the wild; a healthy spirit needs to be tended from within every second of every living day. Hard work but not impossible.

I’ve heard people call me a ‘Jesus freak’, a ‘bible thumper’ and even ‘a hypocrite’ all because I nurture my spirit in ways maybe no one else does. I like to think we’re all the same but just as this disease that has taken up a home in my body is unique to my body, no two believers are the same. We are all unique in our own way.

When you attend church, are you there to worship God or are you there to see who else is attending? Do you look at the shabby clothes one is wearing and compare the suit and tie guy to him? Are your eyes fixed on the extremely short skirt that Mildred is wearing compared to your ankle length skirt? Or are you there to praise and worship God?

Read this story and let me know if you fit in here. 

I realize I don’t fit in anywhere. I am a homeless person among onlookers. I am a leper among the unscathed. I am a fellow sinner among men. I am Spirit-filled to the end. My spirit is full of God and that is why I don’t fit in. I love all that He created, I love my fellow man even the ones who don’t seem to be wanting or in need of love, I love them anyway. My spirit is full because of LOVE. God is my breath in the morning, my lunch in the afternoon, a delectable filling dinner, and my companion at bedtime.

2 Cor. 6:17-18 “Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.”

We cannot all be the same, God never intended us to be that way, we’re unique. When we are filled with the Spirit we sometimes look the same and are like magnets drawn to one another but we soon realize while we are like-minded we are all different on different paths, different roads, different purposes and different completion. God wanted us different but united by one thing… by our love!

We become children of God when we drink in His Holy Spirit. One can be an avid reader of the Bible, attend church weekly, wear the garments of being a Christian but still not be filled with His Spirit.

Deut. 30:1, 6, 19-20 “I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”

Did you read that? Obey His voice, cling to Him, He is your LIFE and the length of your days. This is no small fete. He’s not asking you to passively get to know Him, He’s asking you to LOVE, LISTEN, and OBEY! He is the only one who gets to choose whether you live or die. So many humans are riddled with selfishness that we don’t quite comprehend this. We cannot hold fast to the materials of this world, the food, the books, the clothes or the money, it is not ours to cling to and if you say, “I worked for it!” Yes, you did but let me ask, when God calls you home, are you going to take your money with you and tell Him how you can’t leave it behind because ‘you earned it’?

Our spirit doesn’t know money. Money is of the materialistic physical realm. God is not money, God is Spirit! Spirituality is a connection, a relationship with God IN you not God outside of you. Meaning, God is not bits and pieces of the religious you. That is the physical you and what you’ve shaped in this physical world. That is your way of trying to connect to the Spirit of God. Remember what I said earlier, God is love? The Spirit of God is already in you and your free will allows a choice to stray from Him, embrace Him, or become ONE with Him. When your spirit is so full of LOVE that breathing hate is no longer a part of your being, you are becoming one with the Spirit of God.

You become one with everything living and breathing. Your soul opens to nature and all the natural beatings of the rhythms of the sound of the earth. The vibrations awaken in you a sight of God that you formerly never saw because you were too busy with the physical aspects of loving your Father. Spirituality is the meditations of the soul connecting with the Higher being dwelling within you that has now been awakened, God.

Matt. 22:37-40 “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Until you live and breathe these commandments, you have not soulfully or spiritually connected to the Holy Spirit. God is LOVE! Once you connect to the Father-board, boot up your system, you will feel the love course through your veins; for all those around you, your enemy, for those you formerly hated, and for those you disagree with. LOVE becomes your new way of living a spirit-filled life. You will now find yourself full of the Spirit

This is what God intended when He created us. He wanted us to be so full of love the world couldn’t view the hate. Instead what’s happened is the world is so full of hate it can no longer see the love. Sure we go to church, view people, see the steeple, hear a message but how many times in a week do you carry the message home with you, and actually LIVE the message of LOVE? Well, let me just say if more people carried the word, the world would not be the train wreck we have in front of us. You’ll find spirituality underneath the rubble.

Jer. 1:16 “And I will utter my judgments against them touching all their wickedness, who have forsaken me, and have burned incense unto other gods, and worshipped the works of their own hands.

May the Word of the Lord bless you all! 

Faith: Your Gateway to Health

Luke 4:40 “Now when the sun was setting, all they that had any sick with divers diseases brought them unto him; and he laid his hands on every one of them, and healed them.”

Faith: Your Gateway to Health

Faith, support, determination, and change, all adds up to HEALTHY!

One by one, these will have their own individual topics along with exercise. Since HEALTH is our goal, I’m going to try and help you achieve a goal. Set yourself a small goal. A hurdle of sorts. No need to tell me what it is, maybe write it down on a piece of paper so that you can overcome the hurdle then tell me about how well you did. I want to be a person of support so please feel free to ask me questions or tell me about your success (or failure). I want to rejoice in support of you!

I know you’ve all heard the term ‘born again’ and biblically that means being born again as a new person in the Spirit of Christ. Well, by the end of the year I’d like to see friends renewing their health and feeling born again physically! I want you to feel the regeneration I have felt since last January. I don’t feel like a person of ill health, I feel the best I have in my life. Still a way to go but you’re all with me; we can do this together! 

Today I’m going to talk about faith. Now don’t go running away because you’re a non-believer, I have something for everyone, I don’t want you to be left behind. I want you healthy! The only way to become healthy is to have faith. While my faith is based solely on God, yours might be tied to a Higher Power, Mother Nature, the Universe or a spirit realm, whatever you hold to be bigger than you at times of doubt and fear, now is the time to turn and hold on for dear life because change is never an easy task to undertake.

Task, you might say, YES! You have to work for anything you want in life and if you don’t want to be sick and at the doctors all the time, now is the time for CHANGE! It looks to me like we live in a world of people who are content, content with being overweight, settled in their ugly habits of overindulging, regretting mistakes but not knowing where to begin. I’m here to tell you that faith is where you begin.

When people feel disgruntled they immediately look for a comfort food. When someone has hurt feelings they hide behind the mask of feel-good eating and drinking. They don’t try and resolve the problems of being hurt, shamed, or ridiculed they turn to something to make them feel not so bad, and food is usually the go-to culprit. For me I didn’t turn to food, I turned to drugs and alcohol but later learned to trust more in God and my inner self than an outside physical feel good vice. I don’t know if I’ve ever come right out and told you all this but I was bullied as a kid. I’m a survivor of being excruciatingly bullied!

From an early age the name-calling, hair pulling, the punches and being chased down the street, being bullied was my life. Whether it was my sister and brothers doing the bullying or my (non) friends at school who literally pushed me from their circle, I was bullied. I was teased because I was too thin, too pretty, my teeth weren’t aligned right, my clothes were from the ‘cheap’ store, my shoes were worn, my hand-me-downs evident. 

I did overindulge on candy and sweets as a child, maybe that is why I never cared much for them as an adult. They were vices to hide my pain. Heal the pain the vice is no longer needed. I turned to alcohol and drugs, other vices to hide pain and the more I turned to my faith, I no longer needed those indulgences to get by in life.

With my faith, I overcame my addictions to drugs, alcohol, and sweets. Yes, just with FAITH. Not meds and doctors, not patches and pills, not even vitamins. I thought I was healthy except for my psoriasis, the embarrassing skin affliction of which labeled me as unhealthy. I did have the chronic ailment under control at one time but you add stress and upheaval (divorce) to the mix, your ailments react and resurface.

Then January 25, 2017 hit me with a cannonball to the gut, a disease that was known around the globe as a ‘killer’. While I had lost numerous friends and family to the disease, I didn’t feel that this disease was as devastating as it was made out to be. My faith grew ten sizes too big that day as I was cradled in the arms of the Lord and told that I’d be carried along with my faith. Rely on your faith, the whispers called out. Depend on me and the strength I give you, I heard aloud in my head.

While for a brief moment in time I felt scared, I had to rely on my faith to shake any fears. Faith has never let me down once in my life, why would it now, because the odds are against me? When I was young and being bullied I felt helpless until my faith carried me through. This was not unlike those times being bullied as a child, the doctors were trying to bully me into submission but these were adult bullies. I, as an adult, have the ability to fight back. With my faith intact, I mounted an army of angels that would whisk my fear, doubt, and pains away. Almost instantly, once I moved the bully mountain, God's Light shone through and carried me once again.

Matt. 21:21 “Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.”

Your faith is your strongest asset in life. Faith being the belief in the unseen, whatever that means to YOU! Use it, trust it, and listen to the inner voice. Faith will do all the fighting for you, you just have to trust and obey. Obeying is the hard part because it is essentially giving your life over to something bigger than you that you can’t control. YOU, my friend, are never in the driver seat, you’re a passenger along for the ride of life. This gift is yours to take care of, not destroy. Your HEALTH is the gift and new batteries to regenerate you are needed if you’ve ‘let yourself go’. Have faith that you can overcome the obstacles in your way; EARNEST faith, not a passive faith. I may need to do another post on faith… it is THAT important to your HEALTH!

Matt. 9:21-22 “For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole. But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.”

A New Year

Psalms 116:8 “For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.”

A New Year

Winning! Victory! Health! Out with the old in with the NEW! 

This New Year is going to be all about health and what the mind can do to help you organize a mindset of winning, for your health. Healthy living is hard. Expensive? If you’re sitting there with cable television, internet, a new iPhone and other gadgets, is your internet use more important than your health? You say you can’t afford healthy food but again, there you sit with gadgets out the gazoo that you pay monthly for upkeep but why isn’t your health worth the same upkeep?

Then I see people trying to navigate their health with supplements. When this disease hit me I turned into a research guru on health and am certainly more knowledgeable than I was a year ago. 

Your health cannot be obtained by supplements and this year my journey is all about healing and health. This year isn’t about a disease or illness. It isn’t about how bad I’m doing, this year is about how GOOD I am doing! Not many people want to know about healthy living but if you do, join me on my journey.

You might be asking yourself where does my strength come from. I hope you know me well enough to know but if you don’t and want in on my little secret, again, join me on this wondrous journey of health and healing!

Many people are amazed at my willpower and I myself am kinda shocked at the will I have to want to remain alive and healthy. I assumed everyone was like me but as I’ve seen my husband struggle with giving up this or that I realized that not everyone has my iron strength. Don’t think this as me stroking my ego because I’ve said numerous times I don’t know where it comes from but I have a clue.

As the New Year unfolds and people are making fake resolutions that they know full well they’ll break in a month, try giving up something on a smaller scale. Not as a resolution to break but as a victory to gain your health! Make it a goal to finish by years end instead of in one night of wanting and wishing. This year I challenge you, strive to give up three things: sugar, dairy, flour/grains. I myself have given up these three things and more, like meat, unhealthy carbs, and toxic living.

My strength comes from what I think is a culmination of multiple things put together. Think of a brick, alone, it is just a brick but where two or three are gathered it becomes a protective wall one that the Wolf in The Three Pigs doesn’t easily huff and puff and blow down. So when asked where mine comes from I have to say, there is strength in the number of bricks I use.

Number one is faith. Walking a fine line between doubt and faith will not work. God was right, man cannot serve two masters. You either walk strong in your faith or you walk a line of doubt. Minimal faith doesn’t cut it when your life is on the line. Take the word ‘but’ out of your vocabulary. I ‘think’ I can do it with God, ‘but’. There it is, the fine line of doubt! Get it right to find success.

The second bit of strength I find is in support. If you don’t have support, anything you try, you will fail. When I was first diagnosed and told my friends I was going the holistic route and trusting in God and my faith, some were in shock and fled, others were extremely opinionated while others moved in closer to give me their full support. Unload the non-supporting crowd, they are not worth having in the first place.

The third portion of my strength is DETERMINATION! When you want to quit drinking, smoking, to lose weight and become healthy you MUST be determined to succeed! Have you ever taken diet pills to lose weight and they didn’t work? It’s because you thought the pill would do all the work for you. That’s not how it works. Your determination is the WORK you yourself put into your eventual victory.

Number four is CHANGE! To become healthy, lose weight, quit drinking or smoking you must change! Change your diet, change your habits, change your routines. To SAVE your LIFE, CHANGE your life! In the beginning, my husband was an obstruction but to me I saw it as a challenge. When he reached for a smoke, I took a walk. When he reached for a Pepsi I refilled my glass of water. When he ate candy I ate fruit! Over time, the weight melted off like butter in the sun and I felt healthy and the best I've ever felt in my entire life. I started feeling better, eating better and living better. Guess what happened? I was having an influence on my hubby and others. In just two months he has given up sugar and is actively changing!

His health is changing, his weight is changing and this wasn’t because he made a resolution in the New Year it’s because he was determined to stay alive! Isn’t that what we are all striving for? In the coming year, the majority of my posts will be about health, eating right, exercise, strength and determination! I might even toss in a few recipes. Live or die!  I wish someone had said that to me more bluntly in my early years, maybe I wouldn’t have shrugged off healthy living for the lusts of the flesh. A Happy, Healthy New Year to you! 

Gal. 5:16-17 “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.”

Tis the Season

Col. 3:15 “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.”

Tis the Season

As the Christmas season unravels, starting with Thanksgiving, compassion rolls out like a red carpet. People start donating to charities but then there are posts on facebook of who NOT to give your hard earned money to; that’s the joy of the season. We are so desensitized and so ‘well informed’ that people out in the world get no help at all because they’re being told to pick and choose wisely who you give to during this season. 

Over the weekend I had a welcomed surprise. My niece sent money directly to my PayPal account. I cried because this girl is a hard-working young mother, cleaning houses for a living and took the time and money out of her funds to help me.  She just never stops amazing me with her compassion. I have another friend who has gone above and beyond on the compassion for Joni and helps so often, I feel spoiled. I have many amazing friends who have reached out to help me and the only way to thank them is… my survival and my continued positive uplifting writing. I call them my Spiritual Family because they wrap their love around me and blanket me with support.

Yes, there are people out in the world who care about other people but I’ve found that the algorithm of the Facebook feed shows the dimly lit pulse of the world and where it stands. Recently I’ve had to limit my time on the social media platform because sadly the heartbeat has flatlined across the board.

I do see positive in the world so I’m not just focused on the negative aspect. If I had to do a percentage, I’d say eighty percent negative, twenty percent positive. Yes, I feel that is how bad we’ve become. Hopefully, over the Christmas season, I’ll see a shift of great magnitude. The darkness cannot win.

When people tune into facebook I want to be the one bright spot they see. I had planned an altogether different post but scrapped it because to me it felt full of negativity, and I am in no way about negativity. I almost feel guilty for feeling so good when I’ve had the diagnosis of a lifetime that would have others crumbling. Again, that is not me, I don’t give up that easily.

For four years I struggled with the bone-crunching of arthritis, years before that I fought the debilitating depression battle and the angst of anxiety battle. I clawed my way out of the darkness that had a tight hold on me only to find myself face to face with the diagnosis that cripples people to the core. People were full of advice on what worked for them, pills, drugs, etc. but since I was a young girl I shunned drugs after surviving an epic battle of drug and alcohol addiction by the time I was twenty-one. You see, I’ve been in a raging war all of my life FOR my life and now I’m feeling great without the use of drugs and I feel like I need to shout from the rooftops the positive change that has washed over me and will carry me into the new year!

My success is not bragging, it’s not boasting, it is LIVING and surviving! Now don’t get me wrong, there is a force out there that tries to take my eyes off of the Lord during these times but the more I focus on God the more cleansed I feel. I wrote a post last week about changing or staying the same, and I find that with CHANGE everything, and I mean EVERY-THING, changed for me. 

If you’re out there struggling in pain, with non-weightloss, with migraines, or with a stagnant life and you feel like you’ve changed, then take notice of what you HAVEN’T changed. Maybe you’ve lied to yourself and tell yourself that you’ve changed but as you still overindulge, knock back alcohol, or feel like the change is getting you nowhere, maybe you need to do a reassessment of what you FEEL you’ve changed. Write it out and tell yourself the truth.

Tis the season to reflect on another year that the Lord has given you. Have you done everything you wanted to do, to change? Are you happy with everything the way it is, and don’t lie to yourself because you’re only cheating yourself? Maybe you haven’t been given a diagnosis of an illness that has taken your world by storm but are you not worth the change? Or will you wait until the New Year to make a bungled resolution? If you were given one month to live, what would you change? That is more than likely the part of you that you believed you changed.

Every aspect of my perspective on life has changed in this past year. Everything has shifted and I’m leaving no stone unturned. Now as I go into the New Year, I’m reaping the rewards of painless living. My wish for you this Christmas is that you embrace the change that is inevitable as we go into the New Year. My hope for you is that you scrutinize your life as much as you dissect the wrongs of the world and other people. Find within yourself a comforting place of healing and take hold of the real change in your life that will lay you at serenity’s door.

Phil. 1:2 “Grace be unto you, and peace, from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ.”

I'm Thankful

Remember God's bounty in the year. String the pearls of His favor. Hide the dark parts, except so far as they are breaking out in light! Give this one day to thanks, to joy, to gratitude! ~Henry Ward Beecher ~


I’m thankful….

I’m thankful for that one warm ray,
that shines on me to lighten my day.
I’m thankful for the dewy grass
that tickles my toes as I pass.
I’m thankful for the fragrant air,
that wafts on by without a care.
I’m thankful for the torrents of rain
that soaks my skin; releases my pain.
I’m thankful for the budding flower.
that blooms in glory, a scented shower.
I’m thankful for every timeless season,
new bark; new bough with endless reason.
I’m thankful for all the joyful bliss,
that graces my cheek as a gentle kiss.
I’m thankful for being allowed to touch,
that one lost soul whom needs so much.
I’m thankful for every little thing,
that has no worth, but smiles they bring.
I’m thankful for the minuscule,
for that where my soul can rule.
I’m thankful for all my eyes can see,
breathless beauty from God to me.
I’m thankful for all of this and more,
the love of life, the chance to soar!


Luke 17:15-16 “And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God, And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.”

Thankful 

I am most thankful for my ever loving God who loves me the way I am – there is no day set aside for loving Him, it’s a second nature to me. 
Here are thirty days of thankfulness all rolled into one!

November
1. I’m thankful for cancer – It helped me to change my life
2. Friends – The very reason I visit the windowed world
3. Writing – Through writing, I find healing
4. My Family – My husband and son
5. My family back home – I haven’t seen them for ten years but I’m thankful for the memories. (yes, I’m doing two fives)
5. My family here – Hubby has a great Christian family that loves me
6. Health – For better or worse it’s a learning curve.
7. Sleep – all eight hours of my sleep is precious and healing
8. Cars that run – twenty-year-old cars that run!
9. Springtime in the fall – In the fifties today, the sixties and a seventy by weeks end
10. Coloring books - for the big kid in me
11. Dependable friends – Friends who stand by what they say
12. Music – a meditative source of healing
13. Herbs – Healing
14. Fruits and vegetables
15. Vitamins –
16. Wisdom – 
17. Knowledge – Knowing the difference
18. Healthy food to eat – The new me!
18. My husband and son both have jobs!
19. My dogs – The stray, Riley, that is still here and my Sassy!
20. Life – All of it
21. Energy – I have the energy of a twenty-year-old
22. Walking – I have the ability to walk.
23. Balance – To know the difference when the scale is tipped
24. Exercise – Yes I’m thankful I can exercise
25. A well-balanced body – It makes exercising less of a chore
26. Sunrises and Sunsets – This is really at the top of my thankful list
27. Heat – On those chilly nights
28. Rain – and the sound of it hitting the windows 
29. Hope, Love, Joy – I know that’s three but I’m thankful for them evenly
30. I’m thankful for my strength!

I am grateful for so much more in my life, to set aside a month to be grateful seems to me inaccurate because I miss so much more of the things I’m thankful for every day of the year.

On this day of being thankful for food and family… let's remember to thank the One who makes loving one another possible and who GIVES to us freely!

All praise and Glory to God

Touch the Spirit

“‘You are the God who sees me,’ for she said, ‘I have now seen the One who sees me.’” Genesis 16:13b (NIV)

Touching the Spirit 

Well, it seems to me I’m an odd one. Why not when I think I can touch the Spirit. What you say? We’re used to just basing our faith on things unseen but what is this touching the Spirit?

My dear friend said: “We can lay our hands on spaceships, and books, iPods and plastic bottles, and we cannot touch a Spirit. HE can touch us, but we cannot touch HIM. So there's always that point of disconnect. Always that feeling of being out of step because the God we trust on we cannot touch with our hands, see with our eyes, hear with our ears.”

Gosh, when I read that my mind went exploring! It drifted off to the time I DID touch Him. I touch Him often and I assumed everyone else did also. I know after you read what I say you’ll say, Oh that, that’s not the same. It is very real to me. It is what makes me an oddball in the crowd. It makes me the crimson in a sea of yellow. 

Just so you know, while I can physically touch an iPod, I never have, the same goes for a spaceship, but my heavenly Father, oh yes, I’ve touched Him; my fingers brushed his robe, my hand held his hand, my arms wrapped around Him in an embrace but in Spirit form, it is like hugging liquid.

Ezekiel 1:26-28 “Now above the expanse that was over their heads there was something resembling a throne, like lapis lazuli in appearance; and on that which resembled a throne, high up, was a figure with the appearance of a man. Then I noticed from the appearance of His loins and upward something like glowing metal that looked like fire all around within it, and from the appearance of His loins and downward I saw something like fire; and there was a radiance around Him. As the appearance of the rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the appearance of the surrounding radiance Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD And when I saw it, I fell on my face and heard a voice speaking.”

I think maybe first you need to understand who and what He is. God is Spirit not a man, not sitting up on the puffy white clouds. God is not hiding from us in the shadows, He is in plain view for all of the world to see, hear, touch, taste, and smell. When you stop seeing Him as ‘up there' sitting on a majestic throne in the icy sky maybe then you can intimately feel that He is within, without, He IS dwelling in every living thing. 

Psalm 139:7-12

"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night," Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day Darkness and light are alike to You."

I think what makes me an oddball is that I believe and always have known I have more than five senses. Yeah, that just makes me weird that way. I think when you’ve died twice and then came back to wander among the human species you feel just like the astronaut who has been taken into space then brought back here to live out the duration of your life on earth, except one thing, when you die, you touch the Spirit realm.

When you touch a point of light and it streams through your fingers like liquid in your hand, or when you listen to music and it vibrates through your body like an electrical current surging through you, it is at those moments that spirit is passing through you. 

Take this statement as an example, “He can touch us but we can’t touch Him.” I mean no offense but that doesn’t make sense to me because my reality tells me otherwise. What is touch? Is it a physical, material object?

Acts 17:27-28 “that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, 'For we also are His children.'”

When my mother hugs me, I feel her love wash over me like a waterfall. I live well over a thousand miles away and I can still feel her hug in her voice, I can still feel that love spray over me. It’s no longer physical but I can feel her and know she is there. God is no different in that aspect, He can seem far away but still be within me.

1 Corinthians 3:16 “Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?”

As assuredly as I can touch my arm, run my fingers through my hair, softly scan my face with my fingertips, I can feel Him there. God becomes physical when I allow my very fingertips to caress any material object that He created.

1 John 2:16 ESV “For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.”

The soil in my garden is dry and sandy. I tried many years to grow plants, veggies, food, but rarely did I get anything from my crop. I couldn’t afford to put rich soil in the ground, or fertilizers, so I had to trust the land to provide beauty for me because if the earth doesn’t provide then there is no need to plant. This year I threw my hands in the air and said I’m not planting and whatever comes up will have to be provided by God himself and I will tend the garden when it shows up. As you can see below, God showed up!

You’ll say when I tell you that my annuals come back year after year it’s because of seed drop the year before and you’d be right but still, my annuals sprouted from the ground and put on a display of beauty that I had no hand in except the watering of the garden. God touches us in the most mysterious of ways. The same can be said for us, we TOUCH Him in mysterious ways also but it is still TOUCH! 

When I stroke a leaf, I feel the swell of life surfing through my blood and I connect on levels most would never understand. The veins of a leaf are not much different than the very DNA flowing through the cells of my body. It is the sustenance of LIFE.

I think the problems with people are that they disconnect from God. They don’t see, hear and feel Him in everything. They place Him in a book, they shape Him into molds, and they form Him out of clay. He becomes a material when that was never His intention in ways to be among us. He is a spirit that dwells in us, the temple. When He looks at us, He doesn’t see us from afar, He isn’t out there in the world swirling clouds to make storms strike the earth because we were bad.

Storms form because of man's inability to restrain himself from filling the skies and land with toxins that create a mess in the atmosphere and a terrible storm is in essence, the clouds letting off backed up emissions, to put it simply, the clouds burp! 

2 Chronicles 16:9

"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His. You have acted foolishly in this. Indeed, from now on you will surely have wars."

Zephaniah 3:17

"The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.

When someone says to me that I cannot touch God, there is no way to humanly kiss the Spirit, I have to digress. Contact is in different forms not just by handling. That’s like saying a man with no arms can’t paint a portrait, I’ve seen it done. I wasn’t there for the act but I’ve witnessed the fact. I challenge each of you today to look for the Spirit WITHIN and embrace what has been there all along. He has never left you for one nano second so don't ever give up on Him. Seek and you will find.

Isaiah 52:10 “The LORD has bared His holy arm In the sight of all the nations, That all the ends of the earth may see The salvation of our God.”

They'll Never Know

Gen. 18:21 “I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.”

They’ll Never Know

They’ll never know the loneliness I felt, the emptiness that resided in me. They did nothing and could have done everything. They left me, isolated and alone, out in the pastures of life.

They’ll never know the hours I spent staring out the window, chasing birds with my mind wanting to fly away from the very sedentary life I live. I wanted to live but no one, nothing gave me options, they left me alone.

I am the plague that they fear catching. The disease that they’d rather keep away from their life; the very fear that festers inside of them that they’ll one day have to face alone. It’s no fun this solitude that haunts my mind. It saddens me to think I will die and they’ll never know of my life, my real life.

They’ll see the pictures I painted for them, the fragments as breadcrumbs dropped on the ground for them to follow. They’ll never find the real source of my pain because it is dwelling in them, they’ll never know. They’ll never know that the picture is false; the painter is never the painting it is just an expression of what they see. I am the artist creating an illusion of a world you’ll believe. I am the game endlessly played never to be won. I am your addiction, the one thing you need to be real.

Deep down I am the smear, the painting went wrong, the mistakes you’ll never see. I am the routine never to be broken. I am the vase sitting on the shelf with no flowers. I am the desert, dry and never to be rained upon. The hour never to be changed, the life day in and day out staring into a windowed world sharing a love for people I’ll never meet, a spiritual family that deeply cared from afar.

They’ll never know the turmoil I faced. They’ll think I was strong because I never allowed the shards of glass to cut them open. I only allowed the brokenness to shut me down to leave me vulnerable to what it is that surrounds me in my physical world. Alone, I am alone and pained by my surroundings. 

They’ll live thinking they did everything and knowing they did absolutely nothing. They’ll never know I was used, abused and diffused; a live wire with no connection to sustain the energy that thrives within me. I loved too hard, I shined too bright, and I was everything they were not nor ever could be.

There can be no healing as long as I’m demeaned, pushed down into the box and smothered. I spring forward like a jack-in-the-box daily with my polka-dot suit and painted smile I show everyone what they want to see. I make them smile waxing nostalgic over the times of their youth when they cranked the music and watched as the toy came bouncing into life. They never saw the real me, they’ll never know.

The blood, they claimed to love but they’ll never know that it was only I who loved and they shed me like dry skin to be swept away from the scene. I became the disease that they dreaded to see; they dared not look at. They went on in their fantasy playing charades and showing the world their imagined perfect life. They lived while I died, but they’ll never know.

To sum it all up, I was flourishing in the warmth of the sun, growing and turning towards the sunlight as the orb drifted overhead and I carried the rays like a candle into the night to show me the way. Then one day in all my splendor I was mowed over, severed and left in mere rubble, kicked about and wiped off the bottom of the shoe, I was done. To them I am nothing, to me I am all, to Him I am worthy. I am everything. In their obscured selfish bliss, they’ll never know.

Who are they? They are the ones who sat in their passive state and said they cared. They are the ones who did nothing as my body slowly withered and decayed. They are the ones who afterward wondered what they didn’t do carrying guilt like a different handbag of the week. They are the ones who went on, to live, to breathe. They know who they are but then again, they’ll never really know.

Ezek. 39:8 “Behold, it is come, and it is done, saith the Lord GOD; this is the day whereof I have spoken.”

Be Not Conformed

Rom. 8:4 “That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

Be Not Conformed

Yes, not choosing the mainstream chemo/slice and dice method is my choice and I have to live with this choice while people swim upstream to bask on the sunny beach along the shore. I see my battle from inside my own mind and never really thought about how it looked to other people on the outside looking in.

To some I appear a little bit crazy probably because they’ve never seen anyone take a diagnosis like this and tackle the healing part on their own, it’s just not done! If I were truly alone, I can assure you, I would have never gone in this direction.

Rom. 8:2 “For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.”

To me, the conformists I’ve read about can be Christians but they’ve conformed to the ways of the world. They read the Bible, see all of the amazing miracles, works, jobs, or duties of the men and women written about but for some reason, I guess they think God stopped working miracles when the man physically stopped writing the bible. 

They might believe miracles still happen but ‘to other people’, you know, those rare instances where the media pushes the story, or people are so loud a person hears about it via word of mouth. Yeah, miracles only happen to ‘those people’?

What about infants? I always hear people saying ‘what a miracle’ a baby is but do they really believe that? What concept do you believe that miracles happen to other people and infants are miracles? Look at the whole picture, we were all infants once; we were just a passionate thought of two people and God blessed the joining of two and out came…YOU! Yes, that’s right, you are a living miracle. It is what we conform to that makes us a not so special miracle anymore.

Do you ever think of the Lazarus story? He was a miracle, brought back to life. We’ve read about it, believed it, but what happened ten years down the line? Did he go back to being a ‘man of this world’ or did the miracle of Jesus bringing him back to life change him?

We have to think about these things if we are ever to become devout Christians. Too often I’ve read ‘be not conformed to this world’ yet when I look around all I see are people, conformed to this world, whether they’re Christians or not; conformity thrives and is very much alive.

While no one is perfect and we’re all out here just striving to live, to me be not conformed takes on extreme meaning. Conformity to me is being like everyone else, following the herd, walking the same line, and thinking inside the box. Well let me tell you, I’m not a rebel, I’m a ‘thinking outside the box’ kind of person. When you see a box as square I can show you how it is really round as the globe, with infinite possibilities, whereas you see the box as square because that is what you were taught. You take everything at face value.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? When I look up the word conformity, it gives me this meaning: action in accord with prevailing social standards, attitudes, practices, etc.. Can you see by the definition, that you have been conformed to the world? Even though the very bible you read daily tells you not to be conformed, you conform anyway because that is what everyone else is doing and for some reason, you have a need to fit in with this society. 

Rom. 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

As you can imagine, I’ve never fit in. Growing up I was called the rebel, I was always the one who thought about the broader spectrum of life, like of an infinite cosmos or eternal life. To me, these things were real as for others they were just a part of what they conformed to or were taught. Do they actually live and believe? Ask yourself that question when judging my choice in this diagnosis and treatment.

The other night it hit me pretty hard how I might be seen by other people when a friend (thank you Angela) directed me to a movie, Trolls. It was a kiddie movie (cute as all get out nonetheless) but it held a deeper meaning to me and helped me to see how some people might be viewing my incredible route I’m taking. Thank you for seeing outside the box! 

Rom. 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

Let me share the lyrics of one of the songs in the movie with you, I’ve colored them to fit my story: 

I really hope I can do it

'Cause they're all depending on me

I know that I must leave the only home I've ever known

And brave the dangers of the forest

Saving them before they're eaten

I mean, how hard can that be?

Looking up at a sunny sky, so shiny and blue and there's a butterfly

Well, isn't that a super fantastic sign

It's going to be a super fantastic day

Such marvelousness

It's gonna bring a pocket full of songs that I'm gonna sing

And I'm ready to take on anything

Hooray!

Some super fun surprise around each corner

Just riding on a rainbow, I'm gonna be okay

Hey!

I'm not giving up today

There's nothing getting in my way

And if you knock knock me over

I will get back up again

If something goes a little wrong

Well you can go ahead and bring it on

'Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again

Whoa oh oh oh, get back up again, whoa oh oh oh oh oh

I'm marching along I got confidence

I'm cooler than a pack of peppermints

And I haven't been this excited since

I can't remember when!

I'm off on this remarkable adventure

Just riding on a rainbow

What if it's all a big mistake

What if it's more than I can take

No, I can't think that way 'cause I know that

I'm really really gonna be okay

Hey!

I'm not giving up today

There's nothing getting in my way

And if you knock knock me over

I will get back up again

If something goes a little wrong

Well you can go ahead and bring it on

'Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again