Wednesday, November 18, 2015

And The Beat Goes On

Rom. 7:10 “And the commandment, which was ordained to life, I found to be unto death.”

And The Beat Goes On

Every day gets a little bit easier and every moment of the day brings about memories and not tears. I’m being very strong for my mother so that she too can be strong. I think we’re feeding off one another to be the strength when we are weak.

My calls to my mother are back to once a day since my sister is there and calling her daily, as are her sons (all except one). Yesterday she told me that she inadvertently found the military discharge papers that she needed last week to have my dad buried at Crownsville Military cemetery where his brother is buried. It wasn’t meant to be at the time but she has up to two years to decide if that is where she wishes his ashes to be placed for his final resting place. Now with the Military discharge papers, she might give him his final wish.

It takes time to sort through a life and a death. While I’m here grieving in my own way, my mother is letting go of the physical remains in the form of papers, bills, meds, and a mountain of other things that need to be taken care of during this time.

The beat goes on for us kids, we’re trying to go about our normal routines but in the back of our minds, he’s still there, my dad, lingering in our thoughts. I cry a lot less and yes I know it will get better with time but this is all still so fresh to me, I’m allowed my time of grief. I imagine the holidays are the hardest part of the grief process, muddling through and putting on a brave face, answering questions and drinking in all of the love and compassion that people offer.

Tomorrow will mark three weeks since my dad passed and sure enough it has felt like the earth has stopped and I’m in a bubble waiting to breathe in the springtime air once again. No, instead I’m sitting here in the middle of autumn with Thanksgiving closing in around me waiting for Christmas to smother me with all its lights and hoopla.

Just yesterday my mother had my dads remains returned to her. Her and my sister had to go and pick up the ashes, purchase an urn and get the Death Certificates that she needs to tie up loose ends. In death, everything seems so tedious but I know… the beat goes on.

A friend’s husband has been suffering with COPD and another friend just lost her father this week. While I know that death is a part of life, it doesn’t make death any easier knowing. Death isn’t just taken lightly because you know God and are a Christian. Death isn’t something you just ‘get over’, no, death is something you live with day in and day out. It becomes the sunrise and sunset. It becomes the spring and the winter; it is perched in the ups and downs; it is fed daily by life itself.

I’m not saying death is consuming my life but the reality of it is that life is death and death is life. Now I can honestly say that if I didn’t have my faith I would never be able to endure such pain. My faith is my light, life and breath. I carry my faith around and I find strength to continue this life no matter what comes my way.

Every day gets easier, every day the breath of me gets stronger. Every day the beat goes on. La-dee-da-dee-dee, la-dee-da-dee-da

May God bless each and every one of you with the Light and love needed to get you through life… and death.

John 6:47-48 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.
I am that bread of life.


benning said...

Keep breathing, Nilla! *HUG!*

NurseArtist said...

Hang in there, Joni. You are doing fine.

joni said...

Thanks guys!

I FEEL a lot better. Breathing a lot better knowing my mother now has the ashes with her.

I've heard her laugh which means she smiled and THAT makes me happy.

Now onto the holidays!