Quotes for the First Saturday of 2019

2 Cor. 1:21 "Now he which stablisheth us with you in Christ, and hath anointed us, is God;"

Quotes for a New Year Saturday

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.” 
~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 
Whispering 'it will be happier'...” 
~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” 
~ Douglas Adams

“May Light always surround you;
Hope kindle and rebound you.
May your Hurts turn to Healing;
Your Heart embrace Feeling.
May Wounds become Wisdom;
Every Kindness a Prism.
May Laughter infect you;
Your Passion resurrect you.
May Goodness inspire 
your Deepest Desires.
Through all that you Reach For, 
May your arms Never Tire.” 
~ D. Simone

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” 
~ Albert Einstein

“When one's life has been shattered into a million pieces, most set out to pick up the pieces & rebuild. Others look at those broken pieces & decide this is their opportunity to start anew, the bigger picture comes into view. They see more, & want better so they leave those pieces scattered as a memorial to who they used to be!” 
~ Sanjo Jendayi

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 
~ Marianne Williamson

God has blessed me!

It doesn’t mean He hasn’t blessed you, it means we all see blessings differently. Just like life, some take it for granted while others cherish every thread that leads to life. I am not blind to the darkness of this world, I just choose not to dwell there in the playground and then come home to dance in the Light. I AM TRULY BLESSED! I walk in the Light so others can see me and hopefully a little spark of mine touches them and they begin to see the Light also! 

Happy New Year, my Spiritual Family, for without you, my light might have been dimmed. God bless you all! 

January Second Blank

Rom. 3:23 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

January Second

Today, my insomniac husband slept while my insomniac son wanted to come to the house and do his laundry. I prepared to get ready for my day of Physical Therapy. Now my sessions are getting more interesting with learning new things that I can do. I walked up a step last week and tested the use of a cane, instead of the walker or wheelchair. I passed with flying colors if I do say so myself.

Today I showed my son my ability to walk from one end of the room and back using just my cane! I used to think the cane made people look at me and judge me but now since my vanity has been shelved, I walk with my head held high using my cane. Not walking for three months makes you appreciate every step you’re allowed!

I love hearing the excitement in my son's voice when he says, ‘Wow mom, that’s awesome!’ Or ‘This is great, look how far you’ve come!’ I never realized how much I loved the praise but it does motivate me to keep going on and do one more thing different each day! Thank you, son! Now I somewhat understand why God loves us to praise Him, it motivates Him to do one more thing different for us each and every day.! 

Today, I made two laps around the PT gym. It’s not a big place but the laps were enough to cause me to break a sweat because I had done other exercises also, like the step up, step down exercise. I don’t think you realize how for granted you take a simple step! Whether it is a step to walking, a step leading into or out of the house, or a lazy walk to the kitchen! Appreciate every step because one day when it is abruptly taken away from you, you’re not always given a chance to regain what was lost. 

An open path leads to steps you’d might otherwise miss. Keep your eyes open for God’s mysterious ways. He has a tendency to use the weak and broken, not the pomp and arrogant. Be humble, friends.

May God bless the journey He has planned for me this year. May I be motivated to keep my chin up when it gets trying, and I remember to love when I see so much hate. 

The path I'll soon walk again!

Spiritually Stunted

“Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:3-4 (NKJV)

Spiritually Stunted

Have you ever felt like life is at a standstill? You’ve worshipped, you’ve praised, you’ve given everything to God and now you just sit and wait to see what happens? Oh, sure you continue to read the Bible daily but again, you’re just going through the motions of everyday living. You feel spiritually stunted just waiting for a new season to blossom into sight.

At mid-life, God granted me a season of change that certainly wasn’t expected. I got a dreaded life-altering disease. He let me know point blank that I could wallow in self-pity, roll over and die, or I could face this season of life with CHANGE in my heart and soul. I had been meandering down the road of life, but this was like plowing a car into a wall at fifty miles per hour.

Everything halted. I had to stop and reassess life and prioritize what had the most meaning. God had the most meaning in my life so I needed to strengthen my faith in Him; trust Him like never before. My husband and son were a priority, not so much so taking care of them and meeting their needs, just being a friend and companion to each one on different levels. Then there was family, not really a priority but love still flowed from me to them, and that had meaning to me. What was top priority was living! 

The winter of 2017-18 came with a vengeance, blizzard and all, still clinging well into April! As the mid-life crisis has not gone away, I’m still growing and learning, waiting to blossom.  The arctic-like winter put another roadblock in my way as I became idle and unwilling to walk on ice and brace the cold horrendous winds. My stationery bike became the only source of exercise and even that was not welcomed. I felt bitter and angry at this cessation of my spirit.

Sure I woke daily and read my bible, I still wrote, and preached about loving the Lord, then Lent had me in a fasting state of reassessing my priorities, while winter held onto what the calendar says is spring. Next week will be May 1st and the trees still look as barren as they did in December. They too are waiting for the arrival of spring. They want to wake up and greet the world but it gets kind of hard to do when you’re left sitting idle for months, dormant and chilled. Onward I go, realizing I myself, have become the stunted Christian I’m always writing about.

“Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence.” 

~ Hal Borland

The one thing I don’t have a problem knowing is that the enemy is underfoot. His goal is to steal, kill, and destroy. Steal any form of hope and happiness, kill any joy, and destroy all strength that resides in you in bringing forth nothing more than defeat to his hellish stance.

We do have a choice who we listen to and I can honestly say I don’t think God has been speaking loud enough for me and the only voice left to hear is not the one of my choosing, thus leaving me spiritually depleted. How do I know this? Because I’m feeling depressed knowing full well that the warmth of spring is going to come but the lack of sunshine makes me feel down. I hear doubts and fears whispering in my ears, trying to take a stab at me and I know full well, God is not of doubt, fear, and anxiety. 

I can usually curtail the doubts quite easily with a good vigorous walk but as I said, winter has disabled me and it is lingering for far too long. I’ve had to start on different supplements because I’m thinking maybe my system is becoming immune to some of the supplements that I’m taking. Now I’m taking a lot of letters of the alphabet A, B, C, D3, E, and K! Some of my old ones remain because well, they have to. 

I have also turned to God as He has given me His Word and Spirit to tap into to strengthen me. I do feel His protection during these times as if I’m wearing the armor suit He bestowed upon me, but maybe the helmet fell off, y’know? I think maybe it became too comfortable.

I call to mind this scripture that enforces my wisdom:

Ephesians 6:10-18 “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

I’m wondering if that is what has happened to the world these days; they’ve just become too comfortable in the mundane routines. Do people just start taking God for granted until they’re shaken to their knees? Then they either turn to Him or turn against Him as if to blame Him for all the wrongs in life. 

I do have to make my husband and son understand that it isn’t God to blame for my condition, I am to blame. I didn’t take care of myself. In their selfishness, they’ll feel it was God’s fault and become further stunted and that will be a sad day. I pray for them daily but must work toward healing and seeing myself alive in ten-fifteen years. I'm still young so I'd love to see twenty more years, God willing.

I will live with Christ in me, I will put on the full armor of God, I will lead the remaining stunted people to the light so that darkness doesn’t become who they are as a people, as a nation. I may only reach a few but it is a few more than none at all, right? 

Remember, don’t blame God, blame yourself when things take a turn for the worse. When things go bad, you and I, are the only ones to blame for the stunted Spirituality.

Galatians 6:8 (NIV) “The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” 

May you accept God’s blessing as the fruit of life and be blessed in all you do!

Col. 1:27-28 (KJV) “To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory: Whom we preach, warning every man, and teaching every man in all wisdom; that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus:”

Happy Birthday to ME!

Pss. 118: 17  “I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.”

Happy Birthday to Me...I am Special

I had a dream last night with my brother-in-law, M, and sister-in-law, B, in it; they crept into my dream to point out that I am special. In the dream, he said I couldn’t go to the store he goes to because I wouldn’t be allowed to register. M went on to say that I was above that store, meaning I was too good to shop in the store. At first, I was offended but my S-I-L was saying that he meant it in a good way. He said that I was special in my thinking and very rare and that the people wouldn’t allow the likes of ‘my kind’ in their store. Geez, I never even got to see what kind of store I was too good for, but since he is an avid member of agriculture and all things Monsanto, it might have been a feed store, in my mind anyway.

I have to admit, I am kind of special. I came into this world on my Mother’s twenty-ninth birthday, the last of six kids. Every year on our birthday my mother gives each of us kids our birthday story and of course, my day was special for different reasons than theirs. Besides the special day, the thing that stood out to me the most was her doctor had told her she had plenty of time before delivery and to relax. He left the room and within minutes I popped out! As the nurse called the doctor back into the room, I was already in her hands, covered in ooze for the doctor to clean up. 

Ironically, in my twenty-ninth year, I gave birth also. It wasn’t on my mother’s birthday instead it was three days before my dad’s birthday, both right after Christmas! And my doctor did the same exact thing, he said I wasn’t ready to deliver; I was hours away from delivering. I said to him, “Stay close because that is exactly what my mother’s doctor said when I was born and made a hasty arrival.” The doc left the room chuckling and bam! I was so ready to push! He wasn’t minutes out the door, he didn’t even have time to put his scrubs on, hurrying back to the scene and there my son was, arriving in a hurry, my after Christmas special surprise.

Then there is the fact that I’m the baby of the family. My mother always treated me special and my siblings made sure I knew that she treated me more special than them. 

Then there’s God. I woke this morning to gusty winds and clinging cloudy skies. I sighed. But it’s my birthday, I’m special remember I uttered softly to the morning. As I continued on in the quiet of the morning reading my scripture I could see light outside the window meaning morning was near. I opened the curtain a little because I love looking out at the sunrise. It sure didn’t look like I’d get one today with all of the clouds.

Then it happened, the clouds parted just enough for me to see a glimmer of sun streaking its rays out of the clouds. There it was, God said to me, “You ARE special!” I hurriedly snapped a picture. Then I sat down and the sun burst momentarily through the clouds so bright I had to close the curtains a little! I looked at the weather for the day: windy, clouds and chance of storms later. 

3 23 18 Sunrise

Yes, I am special! A thunderstorm this evening will be icing on my cake! No, I didn’t have cake, I don’t miss it either! I had a glutenfree pizza! That’s my Friday treat. It’s been five days without the use of my cane. I went shopping yesterday on a sunny 65-degree day and am almost (not 100%) myself again! I’m special!

I have wonderful friends who all took time out of their day to wish ME a Happy Birthday! I thank them from the bottom of my heart! My sister called, my husband was home as was my son, my mother-in-law gave me a beautiful card and an enormous fruit tray! And to finish off the day… A thunderstorm! It is well…with my soul! 

God Bless you ALL! 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

Refrain:

It is well with my soul,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:

If Jordan above me shall roll,

No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,

The sky, not the grave, is our goal;

Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!

Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

One of my favorite songs!

One Year Ago Today

Pss. 30:2 “O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.”

One Year Ago Today

January 25, 2017, was one of the worst days of my life! That was the day I had an appointment with a doctor. I wasn’t told by my GP that she was a breast surgeon. Everything about doctors, to me, is a secretive mysterious puzzle of sorts.

The tests of the day were excruciating, to say the least. I had no say in the matter as to what was going to happen to me that day. I wasn’t given a choice, I was just told by a surgeon, that was only going by what she felt (the lump) that I had cancer and that a string of tests was in order to confirm.

If I was told about the tests doing more harm than good, I would have gone home to cry that instant but instead, I was wheeled from one test to the other. Pressed, prodded and poked in a puddle of tears left behind. 

When I finally returned home from all of the tests, I had to face my son, I had to tell my niece. She is a Reiki specialist and knows her stuff when it comes to holistic healing. She didn’t have one ounce of negativity in her words. She filled me with hope and inspired me to take on the whole team of oncologists and put them in their place. They worked for ME, not the other way around. They were not going to shape my disease in any way! 

You are free to read my last years worth of posts, all documenting this wondrous journey. My plans are to write a book, Beating Cancer on a Budget but as you know, I have to beat this disease before the book will ever see the light of day. But my blog is the (partial) documentation I’ll need to put the book together.

I am going to admit that the diagnosis that came two weeks after the tests were cryptic, to say the least. I was never given a stage of the BC, I was only told what HAD to be done, the chemicals and drugs that would be put into my system via an IV and pills/drugs I would take for ten years, the radiation and cutting of my body that I’d need; not one ounce of positivity. What they didn’t know was that I’m an optimist, in every sense of the word. They could not, as hard as they tried, fill me with fear of the disease that takes millions of lives!

Today’s post is not about the ‘bad news’ I received on this day a year ago. This post is about the BLESSING I received in knowing I, Joni, was given a second chance to turn my life around and change some wrongs and make them RIGHT! I peeked into the window of all the detrimental toxic treatment I had given my body over the years that basically is the cause of this disease. First on the agenda, life-changing protocol for daily living.

In the eyes of the medical profession, this disease cannot be won without their money-grabbing negativity infused treatment. Little do they know, or want to admit, there are thousands of people out here in the world successfully treating themselves with no surgery, zero radiation, and most of all no DRUGS!

After the diagnosis, the year of toxic weight lost, the abundance of pivotal supplements, I am healed! Have I received verification? Of course not, the doctors threw up their hands and disposed of me, moving onto their next victims of the disease.

I say I am healed because I asked my Lord and Savior and we’ve had some long talks over this year, He confirms all I need to know. You don’t need to wish me a happy anniversary because it is not a HAPPY anniversary, this is a day I wish to put behind me in my pile of negative build-up rubble. 

This is the day the Lord has made, I will REJOICE and be glad in it! I will not be sitting behind the screen today, I’m going to go out for awhile and love life. The NEW life I live with God beside me all the way.

All praise and Glory to Him! 

Pss. 118: 24 “This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.” 

Year's End Part II

Amos 8:11 “Behold, the days come, saith the Lord GOD, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the LORD:”

End of the Year part II

Since I had such a nice Christmas and this year is worth a couple of End of Year posts I thought I’d relay the joyous season that rolled out like a red carpet for me and welcomed me on Christmas day.

The build-up to the day was nice, not too extravagant never an overabundance of spending, just another ‘spend what you have’ kind of Christmas. We’ve never been the type to go into debt to celebrate Christmas day; we’re the kind of people that if we don’t have the money to buy it, we don’t need it, and that has always worked. We never wake up after Christmas and say, ‘What did we do? How will we ever repay all this debt?’ I imagine a lot of folks do that but we’re not that type. Never have been and I don’t imagine we ever will be.

Luckily I have a dear friend and a loving niece who donated to me and it purchased my end of year vitamins and what a blessing that was, to know I’d have a couple more months of vitamins to welcome me into the New Year. Thank you, you know who you are and to me, a hidden blessing is a major blessing in MY life! 

The Christmastime weather was right out of a storybook. On Christmas Eve eve the temps dipped down to single digits and flurries began falling from the sky, they didn’t seem to stop! Both my guys had to work and the light fluffy snow didn’t hinder their drives on that night so I was content to head into Christmas Eve where they both had the days off. That was a gift in and of itself, and a white Christmas was unfolding with three to five inches of snow already on the ground at bedtime.

When I arose Christmas Eve the three to five inches of predicted snow was layed out right before my eyes! Light, fluffy, sweepable snow! The temps were still in the single digits but for some reason the blanket of snow made it feel cozy as the hour of sweeping passed by quite quickly. With my clothes layered, earmuffs intact, mittens to somewhat keep my fingers warm, the ‘play’ in the snow was seasonal. It’s here you must embrace it kind of snowfall.

I was kind of antsy thinking about the impending ‘family get-together’ but as usual, the tension subsided the closer the day came. While my illness is not open for discussion except on a more personal level (one-on-one) I knew at the family gathering it would just be chatter and laughter.

Our aunt who was scheduled to come down from South Dakota had to cancel her trip because not only did we get covered in snow, S. Dakota was hit too and she was staying safe. I believe she is eighty years old and yes, she still drives down here to Nebraska to visit her family on holidays, but the snow would halt her visit, this time. She was really missed too because she’s the cherubic beauty that bakes little loaves of banana, cherry, and spice bread for the family. She was missed for her spreading of love and cheer too but I was looking forward to her bread! 

Christmas morning arrived and everyone was safe who had to be. We were nestled in our warm home in the morning, gathered around the tree exchanging gifts. With the tree lit, our hands shuffled with a ‘here, open this!’ kind of excitement. I always cherish this time with my husband and son, because in that moment, the world evaporates and it is just us and love and that to me is what the holiday is all about. 

I won’t go on and on about the gifts I received because I’m not a braggart but I will say that I did receive my Grace Vanderwaal CD and wrist weights for my power walks, and Adam gave me a wonderful set of artistic colored pencils and an adult coloring book of horses! Oh the joy and excitement of Christmas morning.

I had wished my virtual family a Merry Christmas on Christmas Eve as I knew that Facebook would not be entered on Christmas Day. I do have priorities set and FB and Christmas aren’t one of them. After the gift exchange and listening to the CD, I called my mother back home and wished her the merriest of days. She did pretty well leading up to the day, remembering my dad but not with mournful cries but with lovingly missing him and trying to be the strong woman I know her to be. That was the only family from back home I heard from on Christmas.

It was a cold, blustery day and as we sat with the family in front of a big picturesque window; the flurries began to float to the earth once again. I had forgotten to look at the weather forecast but everyone was saying that they were calling for flurries. An hour or two passed and the flurries were still falling but more speedily and my anxiety grew. I don’t like driving in snow. Icy roads and swerving cars are not my cup of tea if they can be anyones.

By four o’clock I was pleading to go home. My chest hurts when anxiety is tense and I could feel the pain for quite awhile but told no one as not to ruin what a great Christmas everyone was having. Without being too graphic, my chest hurts where my illness resides. 

The drive home to me, was treacherous, even though I wasn’t doing the driving. The falling snow was intense with less than a mile visibility, and whiteout conditions were present on this two-lane highway. It was frigid-single-digit cold and the snow so fluffy that there wasn’t really much ‘sliding around’ but hubby was being cautious. Cars were speeding around us well above the sixty-five miles per hour speed limit because you know that there is NOTHING more important than getting to a destination, not even LIFE! It’s all about me, me, me on the roads, snow, ice or rain, it doesn’t matter!

We made it home safely and it took hours before my chest stopped hurting. We settled into a precious movie, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ (how fitting) and we sat and enjoyed the rest of the evening. I think I was so relaxed I slept through the first thirty minutes of the movie. My second call to my mother made the tension rise again but I was not allowing it to ruin a perfect Christmas Day! As the year ends…my days are being spent relishing my year, and cleaning up what is going to be known as the Christmas of 2017!

Holy Week ~ One Day I Will Die

Matt. 4:16 “The people which sat in darkness saw great light; and to them which sat in the region and shadow of death light is sprung up.”

~ One Day I Will Die ~

One day I will take my last breath

what will you remember of me?

My intense love of life

My emotional good spirit

or God’s Light that has set me free?

Will you hold my laughter in your hand

Will you see the joy I shared

Am I the girl you’ll always say

“Now there’s a woman who cared.”

One day I’ll whisper my last breath

What will I leave behind?

The pureness of heart

A well lit path

For you to try and find?

Will my passion for nature linger

Will my presence always bloom

Am I the one you’ll remember

Who lit an entire room?

One day I’ll breathe my last breath

The memory of me you’ll trade

Will any portion 

Of me remain

Or will my essence fade?

God light the fork before me

So I know which road to take.

Allow them to keep a part of me

That I know I dare not take. 

Matt. 22:5 “But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise:”

God Bless you all! 

Angel Always, Godspeed....

A Thank You To My Friends

Prov. 18:24 "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

I need to send a shout out

To my online family

The dearest thing that I have

Hovering like a canopy

I tell them that I need help

They run to give me aid.

To me they are essential

The BEST thing that God made!

I call these faithful people friends

Even though we’ve never met

They shower me with support

And love I’ll never forget!

I’ve known some for a decade

Other friendships newly formed

I light up when I see their name

Their words have kept me warmed.

They could have left me out here

Without a care in the world

Instead, they share the burden

In this windowed computer world!

They actually care if I live or die

Their pockets turned inside out

These tender bonds we’ll carry

For years to come no doubt!

I sincerely love these friends of mine

Who treat me like one of their own

I’ll never forget the love they gave

Or the Light from God they’ve shown!

THANK YOU for keeping me ALIVE

God Bless Each and every one of you!

A most sincere indebted Thank you to:

Sara Brittany (niece), Flory (cousin)

Becky, Mike, Ben (Jeffrey), Debbie, Dixie,

DonnaS, Heather, Leona, Stena, B.J Gavina (Jim)

And to ALL of my online FB Friends,

too many to name!

Thank you for your continued support!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

Miracles Do Happen!

Pss. 40:3 (KJV) “And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD." 

Miracles Do Happen

Five years ago my husband regained his eyesight. You might say it was the doctor who did the cornea transplant but it was way more than just a doctor that put the entire puzzle together to make it work; no, there was a miracle involved from a Higher Power, that’s right, God!

I don’t think blindness is anything you or I could take on easily, sure maybe we think we could but do a test, put a blindfold on for a day and try walking, showering, eating, cooking, all the things we take for granted become magnified.

My hubby went blind gradually, I knew the day he called and asked me to drive him to work after his attempt failed, something he’d done effortlessly for the six years we lived in Texas. The night before, we had been hit with a straight-line wind storm. If you don’t know what that is, it is not much unlike a tornado but forecasters designate it straight line winds because no funnel clouds are present, but the winds are disastrous.

With downed power lines, misplaced roofs and debris scattered in the roads, detours were everywhere making my hubby’s trek into work more difficult; he called me. Fast forward a few weeks and a doctor visit showed he was in need of cornea transplant surgery, again. This time the need was more serious because both eyes were in need and failing. Now jobless and no insurance we needed help, a miracle if you will.

Texas was no longer an option, as the extra help we desperately needed would never come. We had to move to Nebraska where his loving family was and we’d make a new start, blind, penniless, and basically homeless we arrived in Nebraska to the help we needed and then some! 

His family was immensely helpful in this transition from his brother, sister-in-law, and nephew, all missing work and coming to Texas to load us up for the move, to the family in Nebraska waiting to unload us when we arrived. When we finally did arrive, there was food in the cupboards (donated by his mom’s church Gibbon Baptist) as well as an envelope full of money for the basic necessities we’d need. 

Would this blessing train end there? Of course not; month after month for two and a half years the blessings poured in like a dam had burst! The only minor setback was Medicare saying he’d have to be blind for two years before they would pay for a cornea transplant. Well, that’s not too bad you might say but let me remind you, during these two years his corneas were continuing to deteriorate.

When I’m told to patiently wait on the Lord, I’m reminded that everything is in His time and not MY time. I wanted this blindness over and done with now not in two years, but we waited; sometimes patiently and sometimes not so much. By the time we finally received the Medicare we were comfortably accepting he may never be seeing again. Finding a doctor was a challenge because hubby wanted to listen to his mother and uncle when I was clearly pointing him in the right direction. But it took two refusals from other doctors for him to finally go to the doctor I picked in the very beginning.

The doctor was perfect, the transplant was perfect his sight was restored but his one eye was too far gone (thanks, medicare!) and he had to have it removed. A blessing, you ask, to lose an eye? Well, let me tell you, the good eye that received the cornea was being infected over and over because of the bad eye. Do you lose both eyes or lose one eye and keep the good one? Think about that. 

This is where the many, eight-hour round trips to Omaha were doing damage to my back. Sitting for hours, sometimes in high winds or thunderstorms and driving for eight hours with tiny stops, sometimes twice or three times a week did my back in and I lost my ability to walk normal. Was it worth it? I would do it over again in a heartbeat! The miracle of sight is more important than my petty walking ability.

His mother said she could make the trip to Omaha in two hours (remember she LIVES here in Nebraska and has made the trip NUMEROUS times) I’m a native Baltimorean coming from Texas and not used to HIGH winds and doing seventy-five miles per hour to somewhere I’ve never been. So, I let her take him one time and yeah, it took her about six hours. (not four)

The damage to my back was done; no return and I sometimes feel bitter when someone says, “Oh the problem was there all along.” Maybe it was but the long driving spells were what irritated my back enough to finally fail, and that’s the truth of the matter! I’ve lived it and we survived it and the miracle I’m still here and he is still seeing is a package of wrapped blessings with all the frilly bows and ribbons on top!

You could say that this was all coincidence that everything worked out the way it did but I’ve NEVER believed in coincidence. Everything down to the letter happened the way it was supposed to happen and for a reason. Miracles DO happen! I wait with patience to unravel the bows to see the reason although I have faith everything was for the best.

In the midst of heartache and heartbreak we can never see the reason for anything but once you stand back and look at the full picture instead of looking at an unsolved puzzle, you’ll see the beautiful landscape of truth and reason unfold into a blessed miracle.

Heb. 2:4 “God also bearing them witness, both with signs and wonders, and with divers miracles, and gifts of the Holy Ghost, according to his own will?”

CRASH!

Those were the days

circa 2004

Isa. 63:9 “In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the angel of his presence saved them: in his love and in his pity he redeemed them; and he bare them, and carried them all the days of old.”

Living with a disability is like a car crash. At the scene, you’re taken to the hospital and released after being checked over but sometimes you have to live with a new unexpected disability. People today take for granted waking each day and going on with their normal routine. They brew their coffee, take a shower and sit at their desk all without incident.

As I was writing this, this morning before clicking save on my document, it crashed! Microsoft is looking into the issue is what became displayed on my screen instead of the words I had just written. Gone, the document was lost never to be retrieved. That’s what happened to me when I became one of the chronic illness survivors, I lost something never to be returned.

A person with a disability does not have the same advantage as everyone else when they wake in the morning. Most wake with the routine of taking meds; coffee isn’t their first priority upon awakening. Getting out of bed without wincing in pain is a triumphant beginning of any day.

Here’s a loose synopsis of what it’s like having a disability: Imagine waking up and your computer is gone, fried, crashed. The computer was your life, your news, your accustomed way of living and your window to the outside world. You can live without the piece of equipment but now you’ll have to find ways around living without it in your life; you’d make a trip to the library until you realize it’s raining monsoon like rain so you say oh maybe tomorrow. 

Plans being thwarted become your new norm. Sure you can walk in the rain, some like walking in the rain, but the wind cutting raindrops into your skin you did not bargain for. You make plans to get around without your computer but when someone asks for an email address (asks for more info on your disability) and you say, “I don’t have a computer,” they look at you like you’re a Neanderthal.

“Do you have a smart phone?”  THEY have a smartphone. That’s like asking if your disability is the same as theirs?

“Yes, I have a phone.” Yes, I have a disability.

“Well go online from there.” 

“Um, I don’t have THAT kind of phone.” My disability is not the same as yours.

Again, the Neanderthal look that I’m getting used to seeing. I feel like they’re saying (but they’re not) “My disability is worse (better, medicated, easier) than yours.” 

I feel like saying, ‘do you take medication for your pain’ and when they respond with a loud YES, I couldn’t make it through a day without them, then I’d reply, well I don’t take meds, I live with my pain without medication. Then I’d stick out my tongue for good measure. Just kidding, I use humor to squelch most of my pain. 

Go to a doctor, get some medication, get a diagnosis. Really? So in other words, buy a new computer? Sometimes not everyone has the capability of buying a new web source. I know I have no way of buying a new body!

You’ll make plans to go to the library because you know they have a computer you can use but when you arrive the librarian announces, sorry but the internet is down for the day. That’s like affording a doctor visit only to be told the medication is an astronomical monthly, rest of your life, fee!

While the non-computer is a loose analogy and living without the computer would steer you into a new routine, that is what people with sudden chronic illnesses are forced into, a new routine that they had no plans for. Sure we’d all make different plans if we KNEW we were going to be disabled but plans are often made just to be broken. 

Maybe God is tired of the ordinary. Maybe He wants to shake up the world and see how people react, to see what kind of new familiarity we’d fall into, to see what kind of plans we’d make. Something was taken away from me and my fellow disabled friends, a normal take-for-granted-routine. 

I, and I imagine others, are no longer setting a methodical plan. We just wake and are happy to be alive. Meds or no meds, we get by another day trudging through the slime that impedes our pathway. We’re stronger and more resilient with what we generally go through on a daily basis.

So when I wake up with the intention of going outside to mow the lawn, I have to first survive getting out of bed. When I succeed I give the old fist pump and say YES! under my breath. Now, onto making a pot of coffee! Success, YES! Now onto making it into the shower without any incidences. Yes! Now the weather; is it cool enough for my back to be able to withstand an hour of mowing an enormous lawn? Yes! Will I suffer because of the challenge I overcame to get from point A to point B? I most certainly will but then I remember who is going to comfort me when the day is done. 

Pss. 72:3 “The mountains shall bring peace to the people, and the little hills, by righteousness.”

People take for granted the waking, the making of the coffee, the hopping in the shower, simply putting their clothes on one leg or arm at a time, when for people with disabilities, it’s a chore, a long drawn out painful obstacle.

When God places a challenge in front of you ie: heart attack, breast cancer, any illness or disability, the reason I feel it is there is for you to share with others HOW you overcame the unseen hindrance. The illness isn’t for you to hide and be ashamed of, that’s not doing any service for God it’s being selfish and thinking of only you. No, God wants you to rejoice in His saving grace. Each day is a hurdle that you’ve overcome, shout to the world a resounding YES! I made it another day! 

Prov.24:10 “If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small.”

Some people are empty of expression and to me, that is sadder than ANYTHING God tosses at me. I can live with pain, I can live with a wobble and a cane or a wheelchair, but I cannot live without my ability to express myself to the world how I’m blessed daily with overcoming my every day challenges. I can even live without a computer, my expression might reach you a little slower but only because I would be forced to take another route in seeing you receive my message. I can't live without my body.

If you’re in a bored ho-hum daily routine, actively seek to make a change, a simple change or a major one; either way if you do nothing, God will see to it you taste, touch, feel, hear, SEE His presence; even if you don’t acknowledge that it was Him. Eventually, you will crash. What will YOU do with a mountain in YOUR way?

Jer. 16:21 “Therefore, behold, I will this once cause them to know, I will cause them to know mine hand and my might; and they shall know that my name is The LORD.”

My Testimony of Christ

1 Cor. 15:51 “Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,”

I am being called to give a Testimony of Christ; MY testimony of Christ. This might very well turn into a week-long series so you’ve been warned. If you are reading me for the first time, I welcome you. Please don’t be discouraged by the word Christ, read on because you want to hear my story. 

Yesterday’s sermon was pretty good when Pastor called up a young woman to give her testimony of why she turned to Christ. That’s when truth slapped me upside the head. I hear so many people who give testimony of Christ, being raised with Christ all of their lives. Their parents and grandparents all had a hand in Christ and relayed Him to their children. This woman’s testimony was no different.

Amazing. People actually grew up with Christ in their lives? Surrounded by a loving family, their testimony is usually how they turned away, usually during the pubescent years and found Christ again.

Someone had told me recently that kids who are raised with Christ and turn away usually have a hard time returning to Him and accepting all that he has to offer. I have a tendency to disagree with that because if a child is raised with Christ and is turned away upon maturity, the soul search is just something that we need to do to find our grounding. 

I was not raised with Christ. My parents were not grounded in Christ nor were my grandparents a part of Christ. My family lineage is of alcohol right down to my great grandparents, all alcoholics, so it is no wonder I took my first drink at a younger than ‘normal’ age. Yeah, I would say eight and nine is younger than normal to take your first drink, puff your first cigarette, and smoke your first joint.

The pastor said something today. Pastor said, “You know how when you’re not of sober mind, you’ll say and do things that you normally wouldn’t do? People see you as a drunkard and no amount of bible spewing is going to have them seeing you differently.” He went on, “Well,” he said, “That’s what people see when you’re under the influence of God. They see Christ in you. You’ll say and do things you wouldn’t normally do!” 

He’s right. First, let me define Christian in MY eyes. For one, the term was not around in the Old Testament so when I hear people say that the men who wrote some book and call themselves Christians, I’ll assume have not read ‘the book’ in its entirety or even tried to understand what the message is that we’re supposed to receive.

Second of all, I was not raised in a Christian household. I didn’t have a mother and father that sat around reading Bible stories to their kids and I didn’t have a religious upbringing. I had what is deemed a politically correct term, dysfunctional family. I had a family who saw beer as a dinner meal, drugs as ‘cool thing’, whoopings when you were disobedient, and punishments were belted out, vocally and branded on your butt. 

My dad (God rest his soul) never dished out the beatings, he was too busy sitting on a bar stool exercising his elbow. I will not say anything bad about my mother and father because they did the best they could raising six kids and staying married for 60 years. That’s it, we were raised. We fended for ourselves and grew. Me? I chose to find God. You see, all six of us were sent to a Catholic school but not all of us sought out God. Many strayed but it wasn’t because we were raised on God and turned, we never accepted the teachings of the nuns and priests to begin with.

Was I a perfect kid? By no means whatsoever. The thing is, the people who know me now would not have ever recognized me back then with skinned knees, bruised legs, a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and beer hidden in a paper bag, you know so no one knew what I was drinking? I was bad in every sense of the word! I was a liar, cheater, stealer, and a scummy sleazeball! If you think the girls today dress slutty, that is me only ten times worse. Imagine a size zero fifteen-year-old, long blond flowing hair, wearing a see-through white halter-top and cheek bearing hot pants. Yup, that was me.

So how is it that people who see me now see a beautiful woman? They don’t see beauty physically, I don’t think, they see innocence, purity, God’s light shining through me. They see the changed me. They met the changed me and liked who I was as a person whereas the people back home in Baltimore never had a chance to even get to KNOW the changed me. They just thought I was the battered kid from back in the day and that is who I am now. Boy, are they ever so wrong. Change bit me hard and now I just have the scars to prove where I’ve been

So what changed me? I’ll tell you, God changed me. I stumbled upon Him as a beaten battered sinner and He took me in and raised me. If you go to a church, don’t assume the people there are these perfect people living sinless lives. They’re all standing in front of God as a sinner, we are all sinners, we turn to God for him to cleanse us; wash us of our sin and to heal us where no man is capable of healing. The term Christian is for Christ Followers. It is not a religion, it is not to be thrown around like a basketball dribbled and put in the hoop when the timing is right. Christianity is a state of mind, a spiritual cleansing making what was old new again.

I’ll have to finish this up in a later post. I told you it would take me a week. Hang in there folks. My sister told my mother this weekend in a disagreement that she [my sister] died when I was born. She was no longer a princess…..

Reflection

Reflection

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 

1 John 4:18

My forty days of reflection has begun with the beginning of the Lenten season. Some people will announce what they are doing for the Feast of Reflection, some will not give the Fast of Sacrifice a second thought, and others will wonder what all this Christian hokey pokey is about. Well turn yourself around and I’ll tell you.

Isa. 58:6-8 “Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?
Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house? when thou seest the naked, that thou cover him; and that thou hide not thyself from thine own flesh?
Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the LORD shall be thy reward.”

Lent, just like Advent is a highly misunderstood Holy Time of the year. Many people assume it is just something Catholics partake in and it’s a ritual they WON’T take part in. Some people will tout that they reflect and sacrifice all year so they won’t partake but I’m here to tell you, it is SO much more!

Lent is a forty-day period of prayer, penance and fasting. It is a season of sacrifice, spiritual exercise and renewal. My season begins on Ash Wednesday and lasts until Easter Sunday the day I celebrate my New Year and my spirit is mentally refreshed and healed.

Sacrifice – It can also mean fasting, not always celebrated with the refusal of meat, unless meat is a hindrance in your life. Sacrifice means to give up something that is hindering your spiritual growth. To REALLY sacrifice is not hiding on days you feel like it and slipping into old routines because no one is watching. Can you imagine giving up politics, hate and judging of people like blacks, Jews, Christians and yes even Muslims for forty-days? Imagine giving up Social Walls for forty-days. Giving up sex for forty-days. There are so many things YOU can give up and sacrifice for your Lord.

This sacrifice is all about YOU and God! A forty-day sacrifice is extremely hard and grueling, sometimes painful and feels like it is punishment but this is the LEAST we can do for a man we believe was whipped and had skin shredded, falling off the bone and hung on the cross for US!

Prayer – This isn’t the normal prayer you pray when someone says they need prayer and you say, ‘praying’. This season of prayer is deep meditative prayer for YOU, for all you hate, for all you judge, for strength in lasting forty-days. This is a cleansing prayer feast between you and God. 

Renewal – After the season is over and you awake on Easter Sunday there is a refreshing, honorable feeling that overwhelms you knowing you made it the forty-days without fail. That is the secret. Not failing. We fail all year but in these forty days WE DO NOT FAIL! That is where the sacrifice, prayer and renewal of spirit comes from and washes over as if you yourself bathed in the river Jordan.

My prayer for you is to know and understand what this season is all about. I pray that you know and understand the true meaning of sacrifice and that you see and feel internal growth by the Rising of the Lord. 

May God walk with you all and bless you in more ways than one!

Because I am loved by God… I can be grateful for another day of life.

1 John 4:19 “We love him, because he first loved us.”

Lent: Day Thirty-one ~ Pride

Ezek. 7:10 Behold the day, behold, it is come: the morning is gone forth; the rod hath blossomed, pride hath budded.

Pride

Prov.  16: 18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

Pride goes before a fall is a paraphrase of an ancient Hebrew proverb, designed to warn man that excessive pride will often cause one to fail. Excessive pride? Oh, I know people like that. I have family members who are so proud of their beautiful richly decorated homes and their fancy garden and pool by the wayside. That would be pride in the excessive. A ‘look what I have and you don’t’ attitude.

Me, I’m just happy in being alive, having a roof over my head, and having food in the refrigerator to fix for my family. I’m not a prideful person and any time it tries to rear its ugly head I have to swat it away like a pesky fly, kill it before it becomes too excessive.

We are not called to be prideful among men. To me, pride is a form of shame also; shame of health issues, shame of poverty issues or shame of living arrangements, all a form of pride. When someone is ashamed to take assistance from someone reaching out to them, pride rears its ugly head and the words that come out are, “No, no, I don’t need any help.”

Man is so prideful that he would rather do without than to take a handout. Even if it is freely offered, man in his shame hides his face proudly stating to themselves that they are too good for charity. This is the fall; they will hunger. Sure they’ll pray for food, a better job, ways to make ends meet but when assistance arrives they are too prideful and miss a rish blessing.

I think the problem is that man tries too hard to acquire something instead of knowing when a blessing arrives; it passes by on the train heading out of town and they miss the opportunity because of their pride.

About eight years ago, I thought I was too proud, but when Steven lost his job, was going blind, and we had no means for food we surely didn’t pass up the food at the food pantry that was ours if only our pride wouldn’t walk through the door with us.

Sure I was witness to people taking advantage of a system that was put in place to help people like us. I myself wasn’t able to go out and get a job because Steven was losing his sight, he needed to be taken to the doctors, he needed to be taken places that he could not have gotten to on his own. Yes we were offered gas for our truck from the Pastor and no we didn’t hide in shame, we HAD to take it. We were learning how to humble ourselves.

When we needed help in moving from Texas to Nebraska, the arm of the Lord reached out and guided us seeing to it that we had a house to come to, accepting assistance from people who didn’t even know us, to ones who knew us personally. We basically were in God’s hands for about three years before things began to change. Steven got his sight back, Steven got a job and we learned a lot about what the face of patience looks like along with a humble spirit, along with watching any ounce of pride fleeing from us like we were lepers.

I then was diagnosed with lower lumbar facet joint arthritis in my back. A chronic pain which would limit my mobility but praise God, didn’t leave me completely immobile. I can do lots of stuff, but pride often tries to rear its head. Like some Loch Ness monster, it peeks out only for me to see. “No, I don’t need a cane,” “No, I don’t need pain pills,” “No, I don’t need this or that or the other thing.” Yup, pride, swimming in the murky waters wanting me to take a hold of it BUT never really ensnaring me in its trap.

Sure I can be too proud to declare that I’ve stood in line at the Department of Welfare, I can put on a brave face and claim ‘I NEVER stood in the aisles of a food pantry.’ But what would the point in that be? I’m here to tell you that even the Godliest of people have suffered the pangs of pride; threw off the ugliness and embraced true blessings.

The next time you look at a homeless man or woman and think they are the scum of the earth, why not think of what put them there? Why not show a little compassion and understanding knowing that not ALL homeless people WANT to be where they are. They just never caught a break. Your pride won’t allow you to walk up to one and hand him coffee or a few quarters for some food. No, you’re too afraid he’ll just use the money for booze but really that is your pride talking. You’re too proud to approach the homeless.

Heb. 13: 2 Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

And keep in mind, while you’re sitting there all haughty and prideful, a fall will come when you least expect it and you’ll have no one else to blame but yourself. Pride is also dressed in boasting. Neither is attractive or becoming to a Christian.

Pss.10:4 The wicked, through the pride of his countenance, will not seek after God: God is not in all his thoughts.