And I Wait...

Pss. 59:9 “Because of his strength will I wait upon thee: for God is my defence.”

And I wait…

I don’t know what to think and I really don’t want opinions of what I should do. These past two weeks I’ve had a setback. I mentioned it before with all that’s happened and I feel the setback was the wheat bread and the eating of the toxic grains.

I’ve eaten all these wonderful foods all of my life and never in a million years would I imagine something so good for you could be one of the elements causing this disease in me. I’m not even fifty-five years young and already I’m being affected by the strong-arm of an illness that has laid its hands on me, gripping me, expecting me to ‘submit’. I can’t do it. I won’t give up on God like others have done, I just won’t!

I hear people say they care about me but in all honesty, I don’t feel it. How can months (sometimes years) go by and people say ‘I care about you’ and nothing more? How is that caring? You thought about me? Because you think about me and my suffering, that’s caring? I just don’t get it. 

I’m trying to be okay with people passively thinking about me when it’s convenient for them. I’m trying to understand why I sit alone crying my eyes out and no one to listen to me or hug me and say it will all be all right. Just a comforting hug could go a long way in my isolated world.

I notice people give up too easy too. If they’re trying to lose weight, and it doesn’t happen instantaneously they give up. If they pray, and the prayer goes unanswered they give up on God for not being quick with a response. I’ve seen people give up on God who has received miracles, then just gave up with all that hokey stuff and lived life for themselves now that the miracle is over; enough time has passed, they should be safe, right? I guess so, if that is what you believe.

I myself feel I received a miracle of the regaining of my walking ability. For a couple of years the pain was so bad I was relinquished to using a cane and allowed onlookers to pity me with their eyes. People don’t realize their eyes are like speakers when sizing people up the volume is set to high and the bass is felt loud and clear from the person you draw eye contact from. I don’t need the eye contact to feel the faces of pity looking at me.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve come a long way in regaining my strength and the ability to walk, so much so I proudly traipsed around feeling invincible. No one is invincible; a few slices of bread and overconfidence will knock you on your butt and take it all away with one night of sleep. Let me tell you if you don’t have those backup supporters who say, ‘they care about you’ the fall hurts even more.

I’m a mess this week. I had a bad day that led to a couple more bad days and now I try to pick myself up from the rubble I’ve left strewn about the place. I’ve needed a good strong physical hug but even that is scarce because my pain is so bad, it hurts to have a hug. I’m straining to see the light at the end of the tunnel that I know is there. When the pain is so overwhelming it is hard to see or hear anything.

I love the fact that people turn to me for strength, direction, assistance, aid in helping them but in times of my hurting, those tasks are impossible so I shy away from the very venue of that portion of love I receive. I’m hurting, how can I help someone when I’m in the throes of a setback and no one can visually see how bad my days are, again because ‘they care’ but not enough to consider I might be having a hard time or bad day myself.

I want to gently show my friends that while I’m having this hard time, I still can see the light way off at the end of the tunnel. My tears stream, my pain unbearable, my cries to the Lord louder than ever and the echo, the echo of my voice is haunting. In the days of these struggles, the scripture that stands out to me is from Isaiah 40:31

 “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

I have a birthday coming up and I’m not even looking forward to the day. It’s just another day. That’s what people say when they get older, y’know? A good thing my son, who is young, says it now so he has no false illusions about the world around him. It’s just another day. I should get a plaque stating that and hang it on the wall! 

Along with my setback comes grumpiness, bitterness, and downright insensitivity. This is the point where I’m supposed ‘to think’ but I don’t. I put no rein on my thoughts or insensitive blurts. I fail. I don’t think of others and how they might be feeling when I boast of my weight loss when they can’t lose a pound to save their life, or my lack of pain when there’s has them bound to drug relief, or my rejoicing in how great I’m doing walking with a bounce in my step and light in my life. Maybe they want to hear the hard-grained steps I have to bear to wake up each day in the light of optimism. Maybe they long to hear of a setback so they can say ‘aha, I knew you should’ve gone another route’. I’m on the edge about to fall over the cliff and can’t find the upbeat rhythm of words they need to hear to get through their bad day. So there, I’m having a momentary lapse.

I have a loving relationship with God and I know we’ll get through this band of pain together. I wonder sometimes if people think that God has a special light set to shine just on my face but let me tell you, God’s love has no perimeter, His love for us is as personal as any loving relationship we’ll ever have in life. He has no preferential treatment for just me. He loves us all the same. Do we all love Him the same? I don’t know. I think we all try but we all have that period of ‘now we wait’, how each of us handles this period of patience is most definitely different! 

1 John 4:13 “Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.”

Comforting Words

Heb. 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Comfort in Trying Times

I was going to hang my hat up for the rest of the year of blogging but as many of you already know me so well, I do what God calls me to do and last night it was evidently clear that He wanted me to send out some comforting words to you, who need to hear.

As you know, we have all experienced a year of awe-inspiring deaths; deaths that affected the very core of our soul. Yes, I know everyone dies, and every year we have our shocking deaths of the year that just makes our jaw drop open and hang there in wonder. Last year for me was a blur as I had three deaths in the family and it looks like this year my husband might be losing an aunt. She is in the hospital being kept alive by feeding tubes as I write.  

I’m referring to the current year of celebrity deaths that seemed to touch many generations not just my generation as Prince, Glen Frey, George Michael in the music world, but to the older generations as in Garry Marshall, Gloria DeHaven, Arnold Palmer and the space exploring Astronauts John Glenn and Edgar Mitchell to writer Harper Lee. These deaths touched many generations. The list goes on and on and the year isn’t even over yet. This seems to be the year of icon deaths. 

When growing up what is magnified in shaping you is what goes into your mind, body, and spirit. While God may have shaped the early years, the television and radio input has also chiseled little pieces of your psyche. As you travel down memory lane December 31st, remember those icons who shaped who you are today. 

The political arena where people fought like pit bulls tossed into a pit with a bunny running in circles overshadowed this dismal year also. Devastating fires and earthquakes in places that rarely receives any media attention carved the year and the disheartening ending. This was a year for the record books from weather, destruction, deaths, politics, wildfires to entitlement. We the people who feel entitled to everything our fingers and minds can grasp are being put into our place for certain. 

We are not entitled! This is not our world to do what we want, this place is on loan and the sooner people realize how close we are to the end and that it is time to pay our dues maybe people can focus deeper on their soul and the continuance of the spirit that will leave the body, leave the beloved family behind to mourn and leave you to cleave only to your own spirit.

I watch as people succumb to their wants and needs. Even if all of their needs are met they seek more; more meds, more money, bigger house, better car, more materials, want, want, want. Their heads are spinning from the confusion instead of calmly looking around at all they have within their grasp and meditating what is right at their fingertips.

Heb. 13:5-6 “Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me."

I have nieces and nephews with small children that have to grow up in this world and this is not the world I want to leave them. I want to leave my mark so that when I go, like the iconic figures that have gone on before me this year, I want to be remembered for my poetic life, the laughter I shared, the smiles I gave, for the joy I bestowed and for the God I loved in life and in death, and His comforting words that I share with you today.

Heb 6:10-12 NIV “God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.” 

Some of these icons that passed over were either well aged or who had not even begun their life, but take note, they all left their mark on the world. I can only assume that God is ready for His chosen to be lifted and taken to a better place. 

I find comfort in knowing that I have a place to go after this life. While some still struggle to understand the depths of the hereafter, probably because they are too consumed by the here and now and the wants and needs of today, I am comforted in knowing that there IS a hereafter and that this life is a continuum of a path that never really ends for us. 

Heb. 6:17-20 “Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.”

So as I am saddened by the recent deaths of George Michael, Carrie Fisher and her mother Debbie Reynolds I can rest assure with the fact that the choir of angels amassed in heaven this year alone is going to be its own resounding trumpet. 
To the literalist I say, don’t wait for the brass, to the realist I say see what is real, to the pessimist I say, stop conjuring and to the optimist I say, keep the faith! 

Maybe we should all… be Praying for Time. 

God Bless one and all!

The Call Came...

RtoL: Uncle Richie,Aunt Gerald,Aunt Betty, My Dad!

note: only Aunt Betty is alive

Matt. 8: 26 And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.

The Call Came…

Let me say first, if you have recently lost a beloved soul, read no further as I don’t want you tearing up and opening old wounds. God be with you.

The call came last night after we had just finished watching Casper. Poignant lines rang throughout the movie such as:

Kat: What's it like to die?

Casper: Like... being born, only backwards. I remember, I didn't go where I was supposed to go. I just stayed behind, so my dad wouldn't be lonely.

Amelia Harvey: James, I know you have been searching for me, but there's something you must understand. You and Kat loved me so well when I was alive that I have no unfinished business, please don't let me be yours.

Kat: “My mom. Just certain things. The sound of her making breakfast downstairs. The way she'd put on her lipstick, so carefully. I do remember, she always used Ivory soap, and when she'd hug me, I'd breathe her in, so deep. And I remember before I'd go to sleep she'd whisper in my ear, "stardust in the eyes, rosy cheeks, and a happy girl in the morning."

This brought memories flooding back; like my dad wearing Old Spice, his favorite cologne; after Bethlehem Steel closed down him and I spent many mornings home and he’d often make his famous Omelet, never leaving the fresh vegetables and dashes of this and that out; the aroma of the kitchen while said breakfast was being cooked but most of all I remember his tight hugs where puffs of cologne would kiss my cheek.

After the movie ended my mother called. This was one of our nightly calls when she got home from the hospital where she would tell me how my father was this day and I’d remind her to take her medicine. My dad wasn’t good this day. He slept through my mother, sister, brothers and aunt who were visiting. His hand would twitch, his toes would move and he squeezed my mothers’ hand as she whispered memories to him. She told him she would be okay and that it would be okay if he passed. Her last words to him were, instead of I’ll see you tomorrow, “I’ll see ya when I get to heaven.”

Everyone left the room and the halls fell silent as visiting hours were over. She went home and called me. She was finally eating some food and sounding like her old self (no, not with her mouth full), feeling not so sad and just trying to make peace with letting go of the man she adored for sixty years. I didn’t cry too much and tried so hard to stay stoic and in charge of my being. I again reminded her to take her medicine; we said our ‘I love you’ and I told her to call me if anything happened. She was exhausted.

I don’t even think 20 minutes passed when the phone rang again. I said, “There’s the call.” I knew who and what it was going to be and sure enough it was my mother in tears, pain leaking through the phone like a raining night and a hole in the umbrella. She told me how she had just laid down and was falling asleep when she felt someone touch her foot, she jumped and the phone rang with the devastating news of her husband, her best friend, had passed away. I guess that was my dads way of saying goodbye to her.

She made the necessary calls, me being one of them. I then called my brother, then my mother called again. We sat on the phone until 11:30 est. time when she said she wanted to rest. She just wanted to be alone; alone with her thoughts. I understood but I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to be there hugging her tightly and NEVER let her go.

It’s been a long road my dads illness, and the last two weeks of him wanting to go home but the doctor not allowing it have been agonizing pain for all involved but I felt a blessed comfort wash over me when I knew, the call came…he was called HOME!

Be at peace, Dad…inhale the breath of heaven.

Psalm 23:1-6 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Color me weird

Ruth 2: 10 Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger?

When I wake in the morning and my feet touch the floor, I thank the Lord for allowing me this given day. As I saunter in to make my coffee, words of praise form in my head and I begin humming a praise tune.

When I take my dog out in the chill of the morning while the sky is alight with a full moon, I praise Him for all He has created. I see Him in the stars, the moon, the universe and thank Him for creating me.

I await my coffee to end its brewing time. I sit at my computer and begin prayers for those in need. I have never been short on prayer because each time my windowed world opens, there sits someone in need of prayer. I pray.

With a warm cup in my hands I sit and share love and praise and thank Him for placing the right people at the right time in my life. There is never a shortage of prayer needs. Even when people seem to be smiling and laughing it up, my mind hones in on them and I pray. For behind a smile is a heart; a heart that is in need of prayer as much as anyone else.

In my travels throughout the day, if someone cuts me off in traffic, I raise my hand and say, “I’ll pray for you” because I know in my heart that that person is in such a hurry and has so much on his/her mind they might forget that God is in control. They need prayer not a cursing too.

While shopping in the hustle and bustle of the season, I see people nickel-and-diming it to make ends meet and possibly trying to have a good Christmas. I pray for them while standing at the checkout. Color me weird.

People color me weird because I can’t take my eyes off of God. Sure I have bad moments, yes I hurt and get angry, I’m human but in the midst of one of those instances, God is there reassuring me that He’s got this and that I’m loved and in that moment I’m comforted.

The very essence of being a Christian is not taking your eyes off of God; even when you’re scrounging to pay the heating bill. Even when life is so hard it doesn’t have the color of richness that makes you want to go on. That is when you need God the most to carry you.

Christmas is the season where satan rears his tentacles and tries with everything he has to reach people; to make them feel unworthy, unappreciated, unloved and most of all not able to reach God. It is in these moments that God reaches in effortlessly and gets you through a season for man. Believers and unbelievers alike feel His presence. They might see it in the beauty of nature, they might feel it in a hug or warm well-wishers hand, but they FEEL God touching of them.

Pss. 44: 20 If we have forgotten the name of our God, or stretched out our hands to a strange god;

As church seats fill up during the Christmas season, more and more come to know the Glory of the Lord and for this reason God has allowed man to celebrate the birth of His Son on December 25^th. When the season ends, people go back to the same old same old pagan traditions and forget what it was that touched them during the Christmas season.

Some will cling to that feeling like a snow-blanket hugging the ground. They will rise every morning thanking Him for yet another glorious day to be alive. They will begin each day in praise and worship and end the day in prayer and thankfulness. And people everywhere will…color them weird. I bow my head and pray!

Pss.69: 8 I am become a stranger unto my brethren, and an alien unto my mother's children.

Luke 1: 64 And his mouth was opened immediately, and his tongue loosed, and he spake, and praised God.