Letting Go ~ To Astri and Christopher

Matthew 18:10 ESV “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

Letting Go

They say my wounds are open

That I must set you free

If I am ever to heal myself 

Of this illness now in me

I loved you and your brother

You left me here alone

So many years I cried for you

Although you’re not my own.

They say this cut is pretty deep

That it could halt my healing

I need to find a peace within

So yearly I’m not reeling.

I need to let God do His job

His need for you was great.

I'm worthy and I’m honored 

To give Him all the weight.

I release you to the heavens

Where I cannot come as yet

God still has some work for me 

As your place, I can’t forget.

Go now little children

Let your voice be heard

I give you to my Lord above

As the stars are being stirred.

I find a peace in knowing

That you’re in a better place

We all are being used now

As we’ve all been saved by grace!

I cannot shed pained tears for you

I know you didn’t die

You were with me but a moment

Before God gave you wings to fly.

Angel Always… Godspeed

God has blessed you both! 

Christopher Alexander (12-2-82) and Astri Celia (4-26 04)

My children who were STILL born!

Always loved and never forgotten

Galatians 1:15 ESV “But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace,”

A Perfect Day?

Romans 12:2 (NIV)

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

A Perfect Day…

Yesterday was as close to perfect as I can ever remember. We rose early in the morning, anticipation was high and excitement filled the house; it was Christmas day. I won’t go into detail of what a glorious day it was by not waking and running right to facebook to see people sharing love pics and well wishes.

After my day of relishing the LOVE of God, spending the day with such an endearing family who actually knows what the meaning of LOVE is, then coming home, stuffed full of some good home-made eating and relaxed with some tea and a movie. The camaraderie of family and stories and just idle loving banter made my heart swell three times bigger yesterday.

I rose today feeling good and refreshed only to peek in on facebook and saw what was LOVE sharing days ago, turned into a pile of hate filled people calling people names and acting like two year olds instead of the mature men and women they claim to be. I guess when popularity and loneliness rules your world, you have nothing better to do than call people names and wholeheartedly agree with those other folk calling names. A sad day.

Pss. 34:1 I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

I’m living in a world full of hate. They try to dress it up with cute pictures but dig not so deep the surface of their skin, they’re bitter souls lashing out at whoever will listen and from the looks of it, hundreds of similar people (they call friends) LIKE it.

The month of reflection has led me to believe that this world is a lost cause. I try to see the good in everything but here lately the negative hating is turning me against all the love I seek to see in the world. I cannot and will not be a part of the evil that is slithering into lives and being accepted. After-all, the laws of the Lord only apply to a select few while others fashion the law and candy coat the Word to suit them when they need it. Dress it up and call yourself a Christian. To be honest, if this is the way Christians behave, I sincerely don’t want to be a part of that religion.

Do you know the word I’m defining here below?

Psychology: (no longer in technical use; considered offensive) a person of the lowest order in a former and discarded classification of mental retardation, having a mental age of less than three years old and an intelligence quotient under 25??? The word is idiot.

The word offends me just as calling a person a retard offends me. It offends me when prejudice and racism collide, just as religion and all those so-called Christians collide.

So are you telling me, people, that YOUR I.Q. is higher than that of the person you called an idiot? Seriously? Look in the mirror. Judge YOUR life before judging someone’s life.

I’ve been offended by one too many people of the supposed intelligent stature who uses this word like dipping their cookies in milk. Tastes good, might was well use it while the going is good. Jump on the bandwagon and wee, wee, wee all the way home.

I’m obviously not worried about offending these people who name call because it is quite evident they have a scholastic degree, make thousands upon thousands of dollars and are productive people of society. No?

I’m tired of all the hate, I’m tired of surrounding myself with people who live and thrive off of negative lashings to feel good. I’m tired, just so tired of trying to be turned into something I’m not. I think I need a new outlet for being alone, filled with love and wonder, in a world full of hate.

Isolating myself is an option; one I don’t look forward to but I’m just so tired of negativity affecting my being that it is my only choice. There is no place else left for me in this sinister world unless I want to be conformed to this world and in my heart and soul I don’t feel that is what God has in mind for me. I'll let all the scholastic, hard-working, higher people enjoy it.

People have taken this Icy Palace I have built for myself and melted it into a puddle for them to stomp through; they have taken my High-horse and set him free to roam unleashing him to a society that would rather see him dead and on their plate for dinner. As long as they feel good, let go and let live. Maybe I’ll have something positive to write about in the New Year.

So much for the Perfect Day…

Jer. 5: 28 They are waxen fat, they shine: yea, they overpass the deeds of the wicked: they judge not the cause, the cause of the fatherless, yet they prosper; and the right of the needy do they not judge.

Gotta do, what I gotta do...

Gen 1: 20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

Do any of you remember the Village people from quite a few years ago? Yeah, I remember when...they were popular, free spirited, zany and crazy and people just loved them. They were a small group of different characters, not a whole lot of songs to remember them by, but they were popular in their day.

This is how I feel here lately. I have outgrown my once  popular Village. There was a time when I’d wake up, eager to get in there and help, but now as things have shifted, times have changed, I wake to find it a Village of Society; a facebook for writers. It’s a clique of people and while the newcomers are finding delight in it all, it will one day wear off and become a lack luster place, and they too will move on, just as the old timers who once filled the halls.  I no longer want to be a part of the insanity and am slowly weaning myself of the place, and I have to let the Village People move from my world.

Gen. 3:14 And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

I think you all know I’m not a big fan of facebook and wonder why I even signed up to the place. It being a good place to share my writing, and saying hi to a selected few friends that I have, even facebook has lost its luster. Sometimes a girls gotta do, what a girls gotta do, and move over to let some one else pull the heavy laden pain bearing sled.

Since October...I’ve been in a lot of pain. To be honest, I’ve had very few people even care. I have people praying for me and as I continue down this road, it is all and surely will be enough to get me through the Christmas holidays. I don’t go around facebook saying, “Hear ye, Hear ye, Joni is in pain! Woe! Woe is me!” If they read my blog, they know. I have two family members aware, and that would be my mother, (whom I talk to every single night) and my Dad, whom she tells everything to. That’s it. When family and friends find out, they’ll say, “Wow I didn’t know! You didn’t say anything.” Well Joni is tired of all the dramatics; if you say you love me, you’ll KNOW what I’m going through! Ahh, feel the love.

Prov. 13:14 The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to depart from the snares of death.

So as you deck those halls and jingle them bells, there are a lot of people doing without this year, and not just material wise. Comfort wise. What people need is a comforting friend who understands and is willing to REACH OUT to help. Words are vanity, action is priceless.

As I go into the new changing of the calendar, a lot is going to change for me. Instead of everyone and everything shifting on me, it is my turn to shift on them. I’m not saying that in a bitter tone, I’m saying it as a realization of things that need to be done so I can soar and achieve what I need to achieve in the new year and leave all the excess baggage on the carousel of insanity.

Listen up! Joni is having some serious major health issues that she needs to tend to. Go on without me but just remember, I was there for YOU! 

Thank you and God Bless!

Prov 15:24 The way of life is above to the wise, that he may depart from hell beneath.

Day 5: Letting go...

Isa 23:7 Is this your joyous city, whose antiquity is of ancient days? her own feet shall carry her afar off to sojourn.
***

Today is Friday! YAY! This is the last of my “pity-me-my-son-is-not-here” posts. I’ve had to do some soul searching this week as I let my son go out into the great beyond called, The World. It’s been an enlightening week for sure.

Letting go is a hard obstacle to maneuver around. The last time that I let anything major in my life go, was about seven years ago when I left my home in Maryland and moved to Texas with a strange man, and brought my son on the journey with me. He was only seven at the time and we both had major adjustments to get used to.

I had been married for twenty years, and the marriage disintegrated quickly after I got a computer. The obsessive type of man could not bear me having friends whether online or off. Paranoid and controlling did not work for me, fun and fancy free, so we both parted ways. I left everything.

Steven came and picked me up, rented a small u- haul to hang on the back of his truck and it followed us to the grand state of Texas. Not before letting go of all my worldly possessions. There were treasured nic-nacs, favored dolls, ornaments, some books, memorabilia, and yes, the beloved home, a cape-cod surrounded by trees and a garden full of birds! Not to mention, my family.

No one came on the day I left except my niece. (I have four brothers and a sister) I had seen my father, mother and sister’s clan the prior evening, so on the day of my departure, I walked alone. Only I wasn’t alone, I had Adam, my life support.

Now I know how Adam must have felt on day one of his first day at school. The same way I felt when I left home. Lost, lonely, scared, uncertain of what the future holds. But I sit here almost eight years later and can see that had I stayed, I would not be the woman I am today. I’m a writer! Back home I was a wife, mother, servant, in that order. Today I’m a mother, writer, fiancé, servant of God. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’ve often been asked the question, “If there was one thing in your life you could go back and change, what would it be?” My answer then and always will be, “Not a thing!” You see, if we change one thing, then everything that followed that one thing would change. Everything would be different. Your life, your family, your SELF. I would not change my SELF because I like who I am!

Sure I’ve lived, loved and lost, but I am who I am today BECAUSE of all of my experiences. Sometimes we just need to let go so new doors are opened for us. The winds of change will not be able to swiftly blow through your hair if you leave the door closed.

For Adam’s sake and my own...IMNOPENDOOR!

Thank you all for your support during this time!

Job 8:19 Behold, this is the joy of his way, and out of the earth shall others grow.