HOME! The Real Miracle

Ex. 28:17 "And thou shalt set in it settings of stones, even four rows of stones: the first row shall be a sardius, a topaz, and a carbuncle: this shall be the first row."

Home, The Last Five Days of Rehab: The Stones

Monday came. Ray and I were awakened because she had dialysis that day. They woke her, dressed her, and had her ready for pick-up. On her ‘D’ days, she was grumpy and irritable, talking and cursing under her breath, swearing she was going to find a new home. I had the feeling since she had been there for three years, this was the best place she could find. I didn’t get all of the details on her that I would’ve liked but I knew enough to know, she was settled and she was staying. The nurses loved her and that was truly important in this place.

I woke because well, they’re pretty noisy in getting Ray dressed and ready and I want to grab someone to help me before they leave, so I was always awake at five a.m. This morning I would once again wait to receive my medications but I realize that this is the norm for this place, you get them when you get them. 

Today was the day that my voice was going to be heard, about my meds, about the disaster that happened Saturday and how this place is a pit from hell with incapacitated elderly people sprawled throughout. There were some who actually walked but honestly, the only one that I saw was Santa! But they already knew all of this and it’s really not telling them anything they don’t already know.

From around the curtain popped the one nurse from Sunday that I knew, Cathy and the aide Sondra. Cathy asked if I’d had my coffee yet today and when I said no she ran and got me one while Sondra cleaned up the previous trays from the day before. I told them that I’d be leaving this place by Friday if I could and they were like, “Awww, but you’ll be missed!” I told them that this place was becoming too traumatic a journey for me and a hindrance any healing. They both nodded and understood completely.

My physical therapy consisted of some leg lifts and exercises to prepare my leg to bend. For too many days my leg had stayed straight and felt like it would never bend again but I knew, in order to get out, I would work on bending my leg, one gentle step at a time. While physical and occupational therapy lasted a half hour tops, I worked out five times a day. My right arm was becoming stronger and stronger and helped immensely when I needed to push myself back on the bed.

Today was about Jacki and Erikka. Jacki was one of the administrators of the building as was Erikka. When Jacki came in she said she wanted to hear my side of the story about Saturday because she had heard everyone else's side. She also wanted to show me a stone. A precious purple stone, so shiny it lit the room. I looked at it and thought of Santa and his words of wisdom, ‘looking at the stone reminded me of looking at a million mountains’. This stone was chiseled from someplace special I could tell. She let me hold it and then she sat it in the sun in the window. “I can only loan this to you for the day but I want this to lift your spirits.” I had tears in my eyes as I said thank you. I always had the ladies laughing and she knew I was not in a good way this day, she knew I needed a lift and at this moment God used her to bring a beautiful stone to lift my spirit. Don’t judge me, I needed EVERYTHING I could get in that place to lift me up!

When Erikka walked in a little later carrying a bigger rock, a multi-colored stone that looked like it jumped right out of a scene of a Superman movie, I cried. Why is God bringing me these beautiful chiseled stones or is satan taunting me. I was so weak I could not tell so I prayed, for wisdom and knowledge that would lead me in the way I should go. The one main thing I received from these two visitors was the realization that I had allies in this place of doom, they were the ones who would see me out the front door! 

The nights of darkness enveloped me and sealed me in a cocoon. The voices, the shadows all played like a kaleidoscope in my head. I was hurting mentally and physically and all I had to cling to was my God in the most powerful way, alone and being tried. The stone sat in the window cove with my hospital treasures awaiting the sun so the brilliance of colors could shine through. The clouds and rain kept the stone from its glory.

We had a dilemma this week. For me to get home, I would need a ramp built so I could get into the house. Everything IN the house was already handicap ready. The other thing I needed was to get my leg bent! No matter how much I was fighting to get out of here, I could go nowhere if I couldn’t get into my car.

Erikka came into my room, sat on the side of the bed and whispered in her soft angelic voice, “Just say the word, and I can have you home today.” Erikka was a thin beautiful woman with sunrise orange hair pulled on top of her head. She glided in the room so as to look like she was floating. Sometimes her hair was flowing down her back over her modest vest of a matte color, eyes as blue as a cloudless sky.

Through tears I explained the dilemma, my leg needs to bend and we need a ramp built. I could taste home. Although I forgot what the back of the house looked like, how my flowers circled the house the last time I saw them, my Sassy dog was no longer there to greet me and Riley, the guys said, was playing hide and seek, she KNEW I wasn’t there. AND there was the fear of what home held for me. Joni was in need of a miracle!

After two weeks of discussion about a ramp being built and the cost, it seemed it just couldn't be done. Worry swept in like a Texas dust storm! They will not release me until they’re sure I have everything right at home. Steven had already taken on so much with taking care of me and running back and forth getting me stuff, he was now frazzled and ready for the hospital himself, just a different ward, if you know what I mean. Then in stepped his brother. Apparently, mom had contacted him, told him of our troubles, he contacted hubby and the only day he had off work to do the ramp was Wednesday, he could get the ramp done in a day! Now, all we needed was the weather to comply.

We had five days straight of cloudy, rainy, chilly weather after the day of me sitting in the sun seeing Santa. Forty-degrees and wind is pretty chilly, no, downright cold! I needed a miracle! Hubby was looking at the weather on his computer and he said that it looked like I’d get my miracle, a break in the weather for ONE DAY, Wednesday! It would be in the seventies! I thought, yeah, that will be a miracle.

Wednesday came, the SUN rose and peeked in my window, it reported loudly that today I’d get my miracle! I waited, I had coffee, I chatted with the nurses and assured them with great certainty that Friday I would be released! They hugged me, told me how much they’d miss me, we laughed and we cried, and we all commented on how I was the little miracle of St. John’s nursing home! 

By afternoon the day had topped out at eighty some degrees! The ramp was finished, paid for by his brother, and a pic was sent to my phone so I could show the Administrators of what this little miracle was capable of. They all agreed, Joni would be going home on Friday! Ray was mighty sad because ‘we’re fwends, right?’ I’ll never forget you, Ray! 

The one lady who saw to it that I got into this place kept telling me that my insurance had agreed to pay for another week if I needed. I laughed so hard I woke Ray up from her nap. “No thank you, I AM GOING HOME!”

On Thursday the cool temps and clouds returned, I readied for my Friday release! In the wee hours of Friday morning when I pushed the button for a nurse to bring me my meds, around the corner came Erikka, the beautiful angel who only worked day shift! She came in to do night shift JUST FOR ME! 

“Joni?” she whispered in her ever soft voice.

I sat straight up, I knew the voice. I tapped my dim light and saw her aura shining, “Erikka? Is that you,” tears came too easily when she said yes and sat next to me on the edge of my bed.

After giving me my meds, she went on in her whispering voice, “I brought you a healing stone,” she went on, “this stone was broken in half, in the morning light, you’ll see the crack and how it healed itself!”

Tears were now soaking my face and dripping down my chest. I grabbed for a kleenex, I was speechless. “You came for ME?” 

“Yes,” she said, “I prayed for you, for what to give you, I bring you the healing stone.” 

Our eyes met, mine blurred from tears and her blue eyes were brimming, with joy. She pressed the stone into my hand. “I might never see you again.” I squeaked out of my hoarse voice.

“Oh, I think you’ll see me again, you can fly!” With a tight hug and our farewells, she was gone.

Friday sunrise came and it was release day. I could’ve gotten out at nine a.m. but I chose to wait for Ray to come back from dialysis. The nurses were shocked to say the least, that someone so eager to get out, would stay, just for Ray. I stayed! Ray came back, peeked around the curtain and with her last, “Whacha doin’?” I said to her, “Waiting for you!” I gave her the last of my chips tied in a purple ribbon, her favorite color! 

The nurses came in, said their goodbyes and tears were shared by all. I made an impact on every single person I came in contact with during my ten-day stay. Hubby got the car ready, emptied my room of my contents, as I looked at the trays from the prior day and the full commode from that morning I whispered, “I won’t miss you!” 

I was wheeled to my car, passing nurses as I went, I waved with the biggest smile on my face to date… I was going HOME! 

Solar Eclipse from 8-21-17

1 Kgs.10:2 "And she came to Jerusalem with a very great train, with camels that bare spices, and very much gold, and precious stones: and when she was come to Solomon, she communed with him of all that was in her heart."

Josh. 4:8 And the children of Israel did so as Joshua commanded, and took up twelve stones out of the midst of Jordan, as the LORD spake unto Joshua, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, and carried them over with them unto the place where they lodged, and laid them down there.

1 Chron. 29:2 "Now I have prepared with all my might for the house of my God the gold for things to be made of gold, and the silver for things of silver, and the brass for things of brass, the iron for things of iron, and wood for things of wood; onyx stones, and stones to be set, glistering stones, and of divers colours, and all manner of precious stones, and marble stones in abundance."

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good life! 

Winding Down... A Grand Finale

“The one who gets wisdom loves life; the one who cherishes understanding will soon prosper.” Proverbs 19:8 (NIV)

This might be one of those 'must read' posts as I wind down my blog. I've gone on hiatus many times over the years but this one is timely and essential as I need to continue healing. 

It all began back in 2005 when I started this blog, the posts didn't really feel right so I deleted the lame posts from 2005 and 2007. Then in 2008, it took off and I started getting followers and meeting other bloggers, some whom I am still friends with to this day on Facebook. It was a writing blog. A writer helping fellow writers follow their dreams as I too followed my dream of becoming a writer all the while sharing my love of God. 

Some liked that I spoke of God and I'm sure some were turned away by it, but those who liked it became my friends on Facebook, getting to know me on a more personal level. I don't remember the year the transition happened, the blog name went from One Voice, Write Right to Joni's Muse: The Poet Within. I know the transition happened at a time I was being called on every typo, misspelling and faux pas of my writing posts so I no longer felt like a reliable writing source to my fellow writers. It was no big deal, I'm a writer and we need to take criticism but sometimes, people are not gentle in their critique and even unintentionally downright hurt you!

I turned my writing muse to God and all that He's done for me. I didn't strive for grammar perfection, I just wanted to share my life story and all that I've learned over the years. No one could critique my story because it was/IS mine! My life, MY wounds, MY scars that I was sharing! People liked reading my story because I had an edge of reality, a blunt truth that not many people are willing to go into the depths of their soul and share. I shared over the years parts of my past that some would have rather kept buried but I brought it to light. I needed healing in my writing and releasing all the past wounds really helped me to find an inner peace. 

My blood family has no interest in my story. It is not their story but when I'm gone and they look over the truth, I'm sure they'll sit in shock that my story of the dysfunctional life I LIVED, is out there for the world to see. Not that the world reads my blog but many will reread all that they missed. While they [family] are back east living the life of caged emotions I am moving on and healing, not giving their lost love a second thought.

Then something happened in 2017 on the road to discovery, an illness to beat all illnesses wrapped around my body and carried me to a cave where I needed reflection and time to think just what all of this meant. I lost quite a few of what I thought were dear friends because I'm not a conventional gal by any means and they are smothered in conventional life, treatment, diagnosis, and illnesses. They live and breathe conventional where I breathe freely the air of truth that I'm given. I may be on my own with a few dear friends, my spiritual family, that have stayed with me and encourage and believe in the path I've chosen because they know, it wasn't MY choice it was the path that God chose for me. Who is anyone to judge another person's path? Whether right or wrong, it is their path, no one else's.

While I hurt over the abandonment, I see that maybe the ones who left were not really true friends and I've become okay with that. I've been alone most of my life anyway (yes with God by my side) and I'm used to not being the accepted one. Shoot, I didn't get bullied because I was Miss Popular! Then there is this year, the year of uncertainty. I'm healing, I'm moving on but from the outside world I sense fear and doubt that I can't handle on a daily basis. I don't feel many people understand what having an extra sense has caused me throughout my lifetime. People laugh and scoff in disbelief and I'm okay with that too. My own sister used to call it, 'that thing' that Joni has. She knew the extra sense existed but was never sure what to call 'that thing' that I have.

With the advent of change -- via Facebook (snooze, unfollow, and many more) options, Blogspot with their not sending my comments to my email and the ad thing from the European Union? along with not allowing 'followers' anymore, and my hits going from the 50-70 range down to the 10-20 range; everything is changing and I need to change right along with the times, it is calling me to change. 

We're also coming to a dim period of having to put my fourteen-year-old dog to sleep. It's a difficult decision for any family and this will surely keep me in my room crying for a spell. Change is coming on a personal level and a worldwide level whether anyone wants to believe it or not. I'm done listening to people who say memes annoy but then post their own. I'm tired of people not knowing a typo from a grammar mistake. I'm tired of everyone finding fault with everyone else but won't look in the mirror at their own faults. I'm also pained by watching a world silently killing themselves on drugs and toxic eating without a care to LIFE and living and making excuses for why they are the way they are.

I won't be alone. I have a strong faith and belief in God and we'll walk together on this journey and wherever we wind up will be by His grace and His alone. Just know, I AM healing and the journey IS moving right along as God has planned. I may continue to post poetry and pics, but my sharing days are done. I need me time for a bit. You all have the grace of God carrying you and may you all pace yourself where an inner healing takes place.  I pray my work for God was well received and that one person, because of my words, was changed in some way. I love you all!

Angel Always...Godspeed, my friends

Psalm 61:2-3, “From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.” (NLT)

The Branch

I crawl out on the lonely branch, 

that can't sustain my weight. 

I try to creep so still in thought, 

reflecting on my fate. 

Up on top this tree so tall, 

I find a quiet place. 

Still are sounds that whistle through, 

the leaves a patient pace. 

What is this that breaks my thought, 

I’m not alone anymore? 

The presence is surrounding me; 

it haunts my very core. 

No longer alone, my thirst is quenched, 

my essence fed by might. 

Surrounded by the stillness of, 

the Radiant Branch of Light.

Spiritually Stunted

“Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:3-4 (NKJV)

Spiritually Stunted

Have you ever felt like life is at a standstill? You’ve worshipped, you’ve praised, you’ve given everything to God and now you just sit and wait to see what happens? Oh, sure you continue to read the Bible daily but again, you’re just going through the motions of everyday living. You feel spiritually stunted just waiting for a new season to blossom into sight.

At mid-life, God granted me a season of change that certainly wasn’t expected. I got a dreaded life-altering disease. He let me know point blank that I could wallow in self-pity, roll over and die, or I could face this season of life with CHANGE in my heart and soul. I had been meandering down the road of life, but this was like plowing a car into a wall at fifty miles per hour.

Everything halted. I had to stop and reassess life and prioritize what had the most meaning. God had the most meaning in my life so I needed to strengthen my faith in Him; trust Him like never before. My husband and son were a priority, not so much so taking care of them and meeting their needs, just being a friend and companion to each one on different levels. Then there was family, not really a priority but love still flowed from me to them, and that had meaning to me. What was top priority was living! 

The winter of 2017-18 came with a vengeance, blizzard and all, still clinging well into April! As the mid-life crisis has not gone away, I’m still growing and learning, waiting to blossom.  The arctic-like winter put another roadblock in my way as I became idle and unwilling to walk on ice and brace the cold horrendous winds. My stationery bike became the only source of exercise and even that was not welcomed. I felt bitter and angry at this cessation of my spirit.

Sure I woke daily and read my bible, I still wrote, and preached about loving the Lord, then Lent had me in a fasting state of reassessing my priorities, while winter held onto what the calendar says is spring. Next week will be May 1st and the trees still look as barren as they did in December. They too are waiting for the arrival of spring. They want to wake up and greet the world but it gets kind of hard to do when you’re left sitting idle for months, dormant and chilled. Onward I go, realizing I myself, have become the stunted Christian I’m always writing about.

“Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence.” 

~ Hal Borland

The one thing I don’t have a problem knowing is that the enemy is underfoot. His goal is to steal, kill, and destroy. Steal any form of hope and happiness, kill any joy, and destroy all strength that resides in you in bringing forth nothing more than defeat to his hellish stance.

We do have a choice who we listen to and I can honestly say I don’t think God has been speaking loud enough for me and the only voice left to hear is not the one of my choosing, thus leaving me spiritually depleted. How do I know this? Because I’m feeling depressed knowing full well that the warmth of spring is going to come but the lack of sunshine makes me feel down. I hear doubts and fears whispering in my ears, trying to take a stab at me and I know full well, God is not of doubt, fear, and anxiety. 

I can usually curtail the doubts quite easily with a good vigorous walk but as I said, winter has disabled me and it is lingering for far too long. I’ve had to start on different supplements because I’m thinking maybe my system is becoming immune to some of the supplements that I’m taking. Now I’m taking a lot of letters of the alphabet A, B, C, D3, E, and K! Some of my old ones remain because well, they have to. 

I have also turned to God as He has given me His Word and Spirit to tap into to strengthen me. I do feel His protection during these times as if I’m wearing the armor suit He bestowed upon me, but maybe the helmet fell off, y’know? I think maybe it became too comfortable.

I call to mind this scripture that enforces my wisdom:

Ephesians 6:10-18 “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

I’m wondering if that is what has happened to the world these days; they’ve just become too comfortable in the mundane routines. Do people just start taking God for granted until they’re shaken to their knees? Then they either turn to Him or turn against Him as if to blame Him for all the wrongs in life. 

I do have to make my husband and son understand that it isn’t God to blame for my condition, I am to blame. I didn’t take care of myself. In their selfishness, they’ll feel it was God’s fault and become further stunted and that will be a sad day. I pray for them daily but must work toward healing and seeing myself alive in ten-fifteen years. I'm still young so I'd love to see twenty more years, God willing.

I will live with Christ in me, I will put on the full armor of God, I will lead the remaining stunted people to the light so that darkness doesn’t become who they are as a people, as a nation. I may only reach a few but it is a few more than none at all, right? 

Remember, don’t blame God, blame yourself when things take a turn for the worse. When things go bad, you and I, are the only ones to blame for the stunted Spirituality.

Galatians 6:8 (NIV) “The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” 

May you accept God’s blessing as the fruit of life and be blessed in all you do!

Col. 1:27-28 (KJV) “To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory: Whom we preach, warning every man, and teaching every man in all wisdom; that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus:”

Giving Thanks - Thank You, Lord

Pss. 7:17 “I will praise the LORD according to his righteousness: and will sing praise to the name of the LORD most high.”

Giving thanks!

Lord, I'm taking this time to give you thanks for all that you’ve done for me. Let the record show that this is just a small portion of all that I'm thankful for.

When I was diagnosed with this illness it would have been so easy just to blame you but instead, I embraced this journey as another blessing, and I thank you!

Thank you for the illness that through you has made me strong but allows me increments of weakness. Thank you for shining a Light in dark places.

I thank you for placing a man in my life who takes care of me and sees to it my wealth of needs are met, and I have many. I thank you.

I thank you for filling me with the strength to wake up and face each and every day.

I thank you for my most dismal days, seeing you stand with me and allowing me to vent. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for letting me know everything will be okay.

Thank you for nourishing food, and creating medicinal herbs. Even though our government doesn’t see them as medicinal, you show me daily who is in charge and the purpose and reason for herbs and CURES with those herbs. Thank you for discernment.

Thank you for the precious food on my plate and the ability to buy clean water in a toxic environment.

Thank you for being my living water in times of drought.

Thank you for a wonderful son and allowing me to be instrumental in shaping who he’s becoming. You in me has made him who he is, for that, I’m eternally thankful.

Thank you for the seasons and the elements. Rain, snow, wind, and sun, everything you offer is of beauty.

Thank you for pain and for sorrow for only through them can I see the promise of a better tomorrow.

Thank you for loving me enough to give me a second chance at making it right with my health. 

Thank you for using me as a vessel of your message.

Thank you for bringing friends into my life in the virtual world that love care and respect me. I hope they know I cherish each and every one who takes the time out of their lives to pray for me and sees that my aching needs are met. I pray for the ones that deserted me in my time of need.

Thank you for showing me that my family really doesn’t care for me. Except for two or three. (Sara, Steven, and Adam) I’m okay with that and am making peace with the reality. I release them, as I carry no guilt for who they are. They have abandoned me, not I them. I pray for them all. (The once in a blue moon asking me how I'm doing is not caring for me.) I pray.

Thank you for Sara, who I knew from birth, was going to be a friend to the end!

Thank you for placing on the heart of that special someone who once a month, takes the time to bless me. I pray they know they are a cherished being, not a passing thought in my world. Thank you.

Thank you for finding me worthy to be your work of art in progress. 

Thank you for Grace Vanderwaal. She touches my heart with her music and allows me to enjoy the rhythmic beat with no past to me, no memories tied to her songs, just emotions I need to work through. I can see clearly now.

Thank you for the years on this earth. While others are unknowingly trying to die, I wholeheartedly see a reason to live! I strive every day, pain or no pain, to get through each minute of the day. I thank you for being there every second of the way.

Thank you for the opportunity of eternal life through your Son. I do not fear the beauty I know one day will be my destiny. Allow people to see strength in my serenity and to seek You when they need comfort.

I wrestle every day with the darkness trying to pull me in a different direction. Whether it is toxic for me food, cigarettes, alcohol, aromas, paranoia or fear, it tries surrounding me only in an attempt to smother me. Thank you for letting me see that it is You Heavenly Father, who holds my heart and soul and allows me to see through the murky mire.

2 Sam. 3:1 “Now there was a long war between the house of Saul and the house of David: but David waxed stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul waxed weaker and weaker.”

Thank you for still being a part of my family who is very weak during these trials. Fill them with the strength of an army to get them through these trying times. They need You more than they will ever need me. I grow stronger and stronger every day as their weakness smothers their capabilities.

Thank you for allowing me to trust in your bigger plans and helping me to fight the feelings of meaninglessness.

I may never thank you enough, but Lord, I thank you from the depths of my soul that only you have seen and known. My life for you, oh Lord!

Pss. 18:1-2  “I will love thee, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.

Holy Week ~ Strength in Scripture

SACRIFICE

On this Holiest of Friday’s, the day a man recorded in history as being sacrificed on the cross. Not just any man, the Son of God. Why would a God allow His son to be sacrificed? Because of you, because of me, for the LOVE of sinful man. God became man so he himself could see what was so hard about not sinning. He found that man had to suffer a lot to not WANT to sin. He became sin, who knew no sin, so that we could be saved! I myself, have given my life to Him.

Isa. 53:10 “Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the LORD makes his life an offering for sin, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.” NIV

Pss. 51:17 “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.”

Pss.54:6 “I will freely sacrifice unto thee: I will praise thy name, O LORD; for it is good.”

Man worshipped false idols, the dark lord, the evil one, the god of sin. The world being overrun with sin needed to be saved on a spiritual level that for many years no one would grasp except the Lord's people. The sinner would go on with his ways gnawing and clawing his way through life while the innocent ones wanted to be saved from the darkness running freely.

Pss. 106:28  “They joined themselves also unto Baal-peor, and ate the sacrifices of the dead.
[37] Yea, they sacrificed their sons and their daughters unto devils,
[38] And shed innocent blood, even the blood of their sons and of their daughters, whom they sacrificed unto the idols of Canaan: and the land was polluted with blood.

Ecc. 9:2 “All things come alike to all: there is one event to the righteous, and to the wicked; to the good and to the clean, and to the unclean; to him that sacrificeth, and to him that sacrificeth not: as is the good, so is the sinner; and he that sweareth, as he that feareth an oath.”

Isa. 43:23 “Thou hast not brought me the small cattle of thy burnt offerings; neither hast thou honoured me with thy sacrifices. I have not caused thee to serve with an offering, nor wearied thee with incense.”
[24] “Thou hast bought me no sweet cane with money, neither hast thou filled me with the fat of thy sacrifices: but thou hast made me to serve with thy sins, thou hast wearied me with thine iniquities.”

Jer. 33: [11] The voice of joy, and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom, and the voice of the bride, the voice of them that shall say, Praise the LORD of hosts: for the LORD is good; for his mercy endureth for ever: and of them that shall bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the LORD. For I will cause to return the captivity of the land, as at the first, saith the LORD.

For the love of sin, man sacrificed the children of the future. 

Eze. 16: 20 “Moreover thou hast taken thy sons and thy daughters, whom thou hast borne unto me, and these hast thou sacrificed unto them to be devoured. Is this of thy whoredoms a small matter,”

Dan 11:31 “And arms shall stand on his part, and they shall pollute the sanctuary of strength, and shall take away the daily sacrifice, and they shall place the abomination that maketh desolate.”

For hundreds of years, man relished sin. 

Hos. 3:4 For the children of Israel shall abide many days without a king, and without a prince, and without a sacrifice, and without an image, and without an ephod, and without teraphim:

There were men and women who knew the Lord and the light of love that He offered and would do anything for this Lord of heaven.

Jonah 2:9 “But I will sacrifice unto thee with the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay that, that I have vowed. Salvation is of the LORD.”

And the Lord prepared to come down to earth from the highest of heaven to save man from his own mass destruction. To finally put to rest the evil that was called to reign as god of the world for a time.

Zeph. 1:7 “Hold thy peace at the presence of the Lord GOD: for the day of the LORD is at hand: for the LORD hath prepared a sacrifice, he hath bid his guests.”
[8] “And it shall come to pass in the day of the LORD's sacrifice, that I will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel.”

Mal. 1:14 “But cursed be the deceiver, which hath in his flock a male, and voweth, and sacrificeth unto the LORD a corrupt thing: for I am a great King, saith the LORD of hosts, and my name is dreadful among the heathen.”

And God graced us with his presence after man was consumed with sin. Four hundred years passed between the Old Testament and the New Testament. His words were still known throughout the land as some were filled with God, not sin. The sinful man was the heathen spoke of in Malachi, the sinner in Matthew.

And God came to the earth as a man. An angelic spiritual birth is now known to man across the world, Jesus was born. God became flesh. Man had the opportunity to change from a sinner to a righteous loving man; to save the earth and its people from total destruction.

Matt. 9:13 “But go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”

Mark 12:33 “And to love him with all the heart, and with all the understanding, and with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love his neighbour as himself, is more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.”

Acts 49:49 “Heaven is my throne, and earth is my footstool: what house will ye build me? saith the Lord: or what is the place of my rest?
[50] Hath not my hand made all these things?
[51] Ye stiffnecked and uncircumcised in heart and ears, ye do always resist the Holy Ghost: as your fathers did, so do ye.”

Rom. 12:1 “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.”

1 Cor. 5:7 “Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened. For even Christ our passover is sacrificed for us:”

Eph. 5:2 “And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour.”

Hebrews 9:9 “Which was a figure for the time then present, in which were offered both gifts and sacrifices, that could not make him that did the service perfect, as pertaining to the conscience;
[23] It was therefore necessary that the patterns of things in the heavens should be purified with these; but the heavenly things themselves with better sacrifices than these.
[26] For then must he often have suffered since the foundation of the world: but now once in the end of the world hath he appeared to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself.”

He asks of us:

Heb. 13:15 “By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name.
[16] But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.”

And in the 21st century, we continue to fail.

Rev. 2:14 “But I have a few things against thee, because thou hast there them that hold the doctrine of Balaam, who taught Balac to cast a stumblingblock before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed unto idols, and to commit fornication.
[20] Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols.”

He died for us and left us with these words among many:

Matt. 28:18-20 And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.
Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:
Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.”

May the Grace of God reign in all of your hearts

so that you might be blessed by His coming.

All Scripture is from the KJV

Patience, My Precious

Before the storm

Pss. 47:1  “O clap your hands, all ye people; shout unto God with the voice of triumph.”

Patience, my Precious

We live in a world where we want things and we want them now, our way and it’s the only way, no one is willing to be patient and wait. Oh, they’ll wait for a day or a week or two but that’s it!

We have people who cry out for healing and they want it now, they want a miracle to just poof into existence with no waiting. They don’t want to do anything but sit back, pray and wait for the miracle to enter their lives. Well let me tell you, that is not how it works. 

As anyone can tell you, I am the first person to believe in miracles but even with the conception of a child, you must wait nine months before you see the ‘miracle’ child. Why is childbirth considered a miracle, because not every pregnancy turns into a live birth. Every mother knows the pains that one has to go through before this little miracle comes forth into the world.

So why would any other miracle be any different? What makes you so special that you don’t have to go through pain and suffering? God loves change. He loves it so much he draws us out of our comfort zone and tosses us into a lion’s den, so to speak. He observes, he listens and he hears. I have many non-believer friends who think that is just a cruel God and will not follow or serve anything that doesn’t serve them. People want to be the god of their life. They want to control the good, the bad and the ugly but honestly, I’ve yet to see anyone happy with handling the ugly in life.

Life is hard and people are not willing to have the patience to wait out the storm, they want what they want, when they want it, and they want it now! If my God can’t do that for them, then phooey on my God. If only they could hear how selfish and lonely that sounds.

While I look around and see a nation of give me and wants, I see very few people with the patience of the very people they read and believe in the Bible. Daniel, Ruth, the Hebrews in Egypt, nobody is willing to be THAT patient, believer or not, they want a miracle now!

I am a faithful servant. I’m no different than Job or Moses, Noah or Ruth. Times may have changed, the planet may have changed but God using His servants have not changed one bit. We’re called to endure, we’re asked to be patient, He expects us to be faithful and trust in Him. He wants us to be all He created us to be, His disciplined children.

When I was diagnosed with this disease, it was like I was standing out in left field and instead of catching the ball, it smacked me right in the face! A wake-up call shook me to my knees. Pain, tears, wonder, sorrow, shame the emotions flooded in like the crowd of disgruntled fans as I missed the ball. They were not worried about my face exploding into pieces; the people were too consumed with the loss of the game.

I embrace the diagnosis. While I am not out of the woods yet and still have a long way to go, I choose to be patient and see where it is I’m being led. I am a faithful servant who will cry out to God and ask Him to show me where the path leads. I will patiently wait, in the midst of struggle, the duration of pain, and I will not complain about all I have to endure. I will try and show you how to sail without sails; move forward without a compass, strengthen without food. 

Willpower. Willpower is that force that little David had with him when he went out and fought the giant Goliath. People wonder where this little fella got the strength to fight such a huge beast. Let me tell you, I think I know where he got the strength from, that little thing called faith. Faith in not only one's self but faith in an all-powerful God to be with you and carry you. When you have neither your willpower nor faith, your strength to fight will wane; your patience lost. It is a fact. You have to embrace both.

I am an alien in this world. I am living to die but I am living to obtain an eternal place in the heavens where I am a part of a society where I fit in, belong. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

Shopping For Food

Pss. 105:35 “And did eat up all the herbs in their land, and devoured the fruit of their ground.”

Shopping For Food

Shopping for food has become quite an adventure. In the beginning of my diagnosis with this dreaded disease, I would leave the food store in tears. Well, our food store is really a Super WalMart so there is more than food I’m contending with there.

I stopped food shopping completely a few years ago because of my arthritis in my back and the inability to walk very well. Since I’ve been diagnosed with my THIRD illness, my exercise and supplement intake have been upped, relieving a lot of my arthritis pain and slowly healing my psoriasis. Is what I’m doing healing all three illnesses? I have no idea and can only watch and listen to my instincts and what my body is telling me.

WalMart is filled with scooters, in-a-hurry people, a me-first society, and the unhealthy foods that line the grocery section of the store. Why would anybody struggling with an illness put themselves through the torturous experience of wading through a store like that? Me, I like to challenge myself so I can physically feel and see the healing that needs to take place. Sitting at home on the computer sure isn’t going to have me find a healing place in my life.

The first days of my diagnosis I kicked into a life-saving mode and altered my diet immediately. My niece had told me no sugar, carbs, dairy, grains, so those elements were eliminated immediately as I researched the why’s of the no sugar, no carb diet for the C. She could only tell me so much via messenger. While I went into life-saving mode she started the fund to help me with the supplementation I would need over, basically, the rest of my life.

These were the days filled with tears for obvious reasons and at my food shopping excursions. I couldn’t find anything healthy to eat so I just grabbed organic fruit and carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower. My friends kicked into save-Joni’s-life mode and were sending me money to help with supplements. (so grateful) 

Looking back, I started off with minimal supplementation of two or three and now I’m taking twenty supplements a day. For those concerned with the toxicity of my supplementation intake, nothing is more toxic than chemo and drugs, and the vitamins I’m taking are only toxic when combined WITH pharmaceutical drugs. I take nothing from pharma so I’m good! I have done my research on every single vitamin in my arsenal and ALL are used to combat the Big C along with the drastic change in diet. I am working on a post of all my supplements and I want to provide links to them so you can imagine what is taking so long in putting THAT post together.

This week when I went to Wal Mart, I not only had to contend with food purchases I had to buy me shorts and shortie pajama’s because NOTHING fits me anymore. I now fit into a small (Wally World caters to the 2x and 3x crowd) and that was hard digging through to find something that fit. Many of my summer clothes are from my days in Texas well over eight years ago. As for my jammies, many were brought from back home fourteen years ago and to my surprise (not really) after not being used for such a long time, I found them quite brittle (dry rotted) to the touch.

I was at a comfortable 147 lbs. (size 7-8) on Jan. 25 and am now weighing in at 115 lbs. (size 4)! Who knew exercise and eating right could shed pounds like flaky dry skin? Oh and I’m shedding THAT too! 

I now look forward to food shopping as I scan for the frozen berries to make a morning smoothie, or dig through the tiny organic produce section, I use coconut milk for my smoothies and coconut oil for cooking my food. I now allow grass fed chicken and eggs, (hubby’s work has a grass fed oregano chicken sausage), salmon topped with onions, peppers and sauerkraut, fruits and veggies galore and I also allow a low carb gluten free flatbread to make me chicken wraps! I’m feeling the best I have in years!

I’ve recently learned of the healing qualities for my psoriasis in Tea Tree Oil. I’ve had to purchase (costly to me) new shampoo and conditioner and just after the second day of use I could see and FEEL the difference in my scalp. It isn’t only the Big C I’m fighting using supplements and diet, I also need to tend to my psoriasis and arthritis so that meant a change in EVERYTHING. I now use Aloe Vera body wash, I’ve changed my deodorant to a chemical-free variety, and my drinking water is now the purified variety. The water is only .39 cents a gallon so that isn’t too costly. V-8 Berry Bliss for a sweet morning drink and green tea as a nightly regimen.

I’m slowly eliminating all stress in my world. One step was I eliminated over a hundred emails I’ve already read through as they started to cause a wave of confusion in this battle as I’m learning something new every day. The do this, do that, try this, try that days are calming down and now I’m just coasting with what knowledge is in front of me.

My husband wanted to buy me a cute shirt with the American flag on it and I said, “No, I’m not really proud of my country right now at this time.” Apparently, Flag Day went unnoticed by the majority of my Facebook friends who normally flood the walls with pride in their country. With so many holidays, you never know WHAT to celebrate these days.

As of right now, I celebrate LIFE and the love of God. I cling to hope of a future. I don’t see myself as sick, I always see myself as HEALTHY and AWARE and maybe with that mindset, that is my saving grace. I WILL obtain the Sacred Plant when God is good and ready for me to have it, right now, God and I are happy with my health and supplements and moving forward to healing pastures. 

Matt. 13:32 “Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof.”

I am grateful for friendships old and new. I am gratified for the chance to work with God in healing myself. I am honored to be a part of a Spiritual community of love surrounding me and I will never forget the endearing love they exhibit toward me as I go on. 

Thank you all and God Bless!

Isa. 18:4 “For so the LORD said unto me, I will take my rest, and I will consider in my dwelling place like a clear heat upon herbs, and like a cloud of dew in the heat of harvest.”

Not Of This World

Psalm 19:1-2 KJV “The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork. Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge.”

Not of this world

I sometimes feel like I am not of this world. I look around and see foreign matter that I don’t understand and beg God for the clarity I need to see the layers within that keep me alive. The past four months have changed me even more so that I feel I am no longer a part of this world. I walk in the fog and see the Light in the distance. 

An intricate tapestry is beautiful on one side but on the back, it’s not so pretty; you see the remnants of threads, some strings and knots but you never see the full picture that’s on the front. God created everything that way. You need to look deep within a person to see the true beauty of Him. People may look not so perfect to your eyes on the outside but when you get to know the person personally, they are quite different. I may look beautiful to you on the outside but on the inside, my very cells are at war. There are death and destruction battling inside me that even me, the host of these cells, has no control over.

James 1:12 KJV  “Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.”

I think it is in our nature to size situations up. It’s okay though as long as you don’t judge. In my sin, I most admittedly judge all situations I’m confronted with. I fall to my knees daily in repentance but I feel the Lord understands my weaknesses and fault and thus the reason he sent his son to carry the weight of mankind’s and my own sin. 

In all honesty, in my illness, I feel like I really size people up more than I ever did before. I look at the healthy and envy. I see them happy with life, I crave. I watch as smiles light their faces, I yearn. I fall to sleep at night and plead... for mercy.

I want to ask the whys. Why me, why now. But I know full well the answer. This is a part of my journey that God himself has chosen for me and in it, I will endure, persevere, and rise above knowing that we crossed this path together and me, I am promised a crown of glory if I hold steadfast.

Isaiah 30:15, “This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: ‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.’” (NIV)

From Bible Gateway – Lynn Cowell -“These difficult times in our lives can be the exact opportunities we need to learn not to quit. Here, we learn to be brave and to do the hard things again and again and again. In the tough places, we can learn that our God is faithful to help us; He will never leave or forsake us. That is when the bad thing becomes a good thing.” 

While I have decided to brave this storm in my life with the aided assistance of my friends and God alone (no doctors and tests), this road is one I’ve never wished to be on or would like to see anyone have to endure in their lifetime. Writing has been my saving grace for YEARS and at times, I don’t even feel like writing and expressing myself. 

While I can’t get my hands on the Sacred Plant (cannabis), I’ve watched testimonial after testimonial of people using the HERB to CURE this disease. I’ve watched as older men and women cross state lines to secure their aid with the healing regimen, only to feel wrong because they have to do something illegal that they would NEVER normally do. Their life depends on becoming basically a criminal to SAVE their own or their children’s lives.

Doctors are only concerned with drugs, the government is wrapped up in duct tape, while humans become victims of a society gone wrong. I watch as a regime dismantles websites and organizations set up to help patients, be taken down or ‘fidgeted’ with. I watch as millions possibly billions of dollars are spent on drugs and jails, bill after bill passed for texting and driving or drinking and driving, while MEDICINAL cannabis is taking the back seat on the trolley car.

While I’m up to twenty supplements a day, they could all stop with one little CBD THC pill, not the hemp oil pill which is legal in all fifty states. But it’s okay, while my friends send me to site after site, I am no longer interested in the cannabis lifeline. I cannot afford $130 for 30 hemp oil pills, I won’t go the illegal route, and I won’t crumble! While there is Hope and promise in the Sacred Plant, I’m holding onto hope in the Sacred One and Only. 

As God helps me to not feel so alien in this world I do say with a smile, “It’s about time.” Fifty years for God to show me I AM of this world. God is lighting my path in rays of sunbeams streaming through the fog. E.T. wants to go home but God replies, “It’s not your time!” I get it, I get it. A little more endurance and persistence, then will I go home? A mighty resounding YES!

Joshua 1:9 “Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”

There IS Hope

Job 11:18 "And thou shalt be secure, because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety."

There Is Hope

After a week-long bout of depression, I see that there IS hope in the future. The more and more I learn I can see and feel a future of Hope and promise. Knowledge is power, prayer is powerful, and moving forward is Hope-filled.

It all began last Saturday with a city-wide garage sales event. Not intending to hurt my feelings in any way, my husband commented after I said I love junk, I can’t wait to buy more, he said, “Careful, you don’t want to be like Lisa.”  Lisa is my neighbor and she is a hoarder. You know, like the kind you see on tv that they do TV shows about? Yeah, my neighbor is like that with flower pots, pallets, end tables and bikes and more strewn all over the place and three vehicles she doesn't use because ‘they need work’. I’m more of a nic-nac fan. But the comment hurt and it brought me to silent tears.

I came home with a cross, a carved angel, and two other angels to add to my collection. That’s what I like. I spent less than five dollars. My collection of angels began when my dad bought a beautiful angel for my sister and at the time, my ex-bro-in-law didn’t ‘allow’ angels in the house. His reasoning was it took away from thoughts of God and became idol worship. I know how sound that DOESN’T sound, so I switched with my sister, the angel for my beloved pig my dad had bought me. If you don’t know the difference between God and angels, then you need a little more than your Holy Bible, my friend. I also own a Precious Moments collection as well as Dreamscicle Cherubs, compliments of my mother years ago growing up. 

By Monday my hurt had festered and I didn’t feel like writing, walking or riding my bike. The funk was real and I felt like a shattered bottle on the ground. No, it wasn’t just that comment, it was also my feeling like a failure as a mother. I botched raising a good son and I feel the ramifications. He wants to move to Kentucky to meet his online girlfriend. Please, no comments or advice. This is a real hurt I need to work through. In time I may be able to write more. But the good news is, today he has a job interview! 

By Wednesday I was begging for prayer from my spiritual family. Finally, my mood wasn’t because of food. I am getting better on the food moods and I’m a bit confused looking at a twenty-year-olds body in the mirror and feeling like an eighty-year-old woman with leather skin and all! I need to meditate. Yeah, even that stopped for a few days and I FELT the difference of not meditating as my days WITH meditating.

Job 6:11 "What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?"

I’m going to go through this storm of my life fighting. If only it were just one illness, maybe I wouldn’t get down, but three? Why is God all about three’s? (Trinity ring a bell?) *winkwink* I have been fighting psoriasis my whole life, arthritis for about four years and now this disease that crept up on me like a snail crossing the busy highway!

Wouldn’t you know, that the healing remedy for all three illnesses require the exact same supplements? They're all tied together, like a woven blanket, the illnesses are just unraveling threads. The good news is I’m doing everything to heal all aspects and the recent purchase of Tea Tree Oil Shampoo and Conditioner has shown great results in just two days of use! So that perked me up a bit.

And don’t worry friends, I don’t care how down I get, I never give up on my Morning Prayer and worship and bible reading. NEVER! I am committed to God and worship only Him! He is the one helping me sail through this being my lighthouse in the storm. The angels are just for warmth when I need a hug, and comfort when I feel down. God has never let me down, and this path, as slow as molasses filled that it is, I’m HEALING! I feel it and SEE it.

All praise and Glory to God! 

Pss. 71:5 "For thou art my hope, O Lord GOD: thou art 

my trust from my youth."

Letting Go ~ To Astri and Christopher

Matthew 18:10 ESV “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

Letting Go

They say my wounds are open

That I must set you free

If I am ever to heal myself 

Of this illness now in me

I loved you and your brother

You left me here alone

So many years I cried for you

Although you’re not my own.

They say this cut is pretty deep

That it could halt my healing

I need to find a peace within

So yearly I’m not reeling.

I need to let God do His job

His need for you was great.

I'm worthy and I’m honored 

To give Him all the weight.

I release you to the heavens

Where I cannot come as yet

God still has some work for me 

As your place, I can’t forget.

Go now little children

Let your voice be heard

I give you to my Lord above

As the stars are being stirred.

I find a peace in knowing

That you’re in a better place

We all are being used now

As we’ve all been saved by grace!

I cannot shed pained tears for you

I know you didn’t die

You were with me but a moment

Before God gave you wings to fly.

Angel Always… Godspeed

God has blessed you both! 

Christopher Alexander (12-2-82) and Astri Celia (4-26 04)

My children who were STILL born!

Always loved and never forgotten

Galatians 1:15 ESV “But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace,”

The Path To Healing

Prov. 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

The Path to Healing

I myself am on the path to healing. My body is reacting to all the good I’m doing for it and yes, I’m sacrificing my (once thought of) sinful pleasures in life, mainly sugar, processed food, high carb intake, toxic GMO meat and dairy intake.

The willpower it takes to go Cold Turkey is basically almost impossible but I’m of the school, ‘With God, NOTHING is impossible’! Forward I go as I tackle full steam ahead the ‘illness of a lifetime’.

So many people are misled, they are all too willing to believe chicken little knew what he was shouting out from the rooftops that the sky was falling. This is how people see the world, they put so much faith and belief in lies that when the truth slaps them in the face, (the sky can NEVER fall), they become defensive in their fight to be right.

I myself am wrong more than I am right, obviously. I am NOT a doctor, nor claim to be one in this box you come to for a daily fix, I am LEARNING as I go along and if it works for me, yay me! If it doesn’t work for you, I’m not responsible, dig deeper to see what DOES work for you. I will not resort to name-calling as that is a juvenile behavior adults carry with them from childhood and never learn to let go and let God. I pray for them. I pray for a nation, a world that always buys what they are sold, and at a bargain price no less, namely putting a price tag on their life.

You might ask if I’ve given up all of the above listed foods, what is left to eat? First and foremost GOD is my guide before anything this here computer can offer me. That’s right, the Bible tells me what to eat, what is good for me and what WILL HEAL ME! Yes, the Bible says to eat meat but it was not talking about twenty-first century GMO laden chemical meat.

Some days it gets so hard for me, I cry, I bawl my eyes out. My face planted in my palms I admit defeat. I admit that it’s hard to go on every single day watching the world go by frivolously and me out here trying to live and people not understanding the lengths one has to go through to rid themselves of toxins in the world. Whether it’s toxic people, (including doctors), toxic food, or a toxic environment, it’s a struggle. Like feet in quicksand and me, trying to run, and there is no way to accomplish the feat. 

Imagine what life in a straightjacket must feel like. Knowing the key to unlocking the system is right there but you fight and struggle to free yourself and people walk by poking you, tormenting you as you wriggle and squirm. This is the suffocating life of a person fighting for their life, every single day!

What do I do? I breathe, slowly and deeply – I eat, I drink the well waters of Christ, I touch – the very thread of His garment, I’m filled. I meditate on Him, His Word. I grasp all that I’m shown. It may not be for you to see, we all have different walks, different paths. I can only share what is working for ME!

Pss. 1:2 “But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.”

What I eat? The greens of the earth from organic broccoli and lettuce, to cabbage, cauliflower and a host of other vegetables found in the produce section of the food store. Fruits, the natural sugars that God placed on this earth to sustain our need, our want for this sInsational taste bud arousal. (Yes grammar Nazi’s, I meant SINsational!) Fruit, so good it should be a sin to send this delectable treat into your body but instead it is nutrition. Nutrition, something you won’t find in the processed food section of the store.

If I can’t afford to buy organic fruits and vegetables, I go to a better grocery store where they actually take the time to bring you the BEST fruits and vegetables possible, remember their name is being held up to scrutiny so they do their very best for you, the consumer! My husband just so happens to work in a high-end grocery story out here. Our basics are bought at the WalMart supercenter but when this illness hit me, it’s his place of work where we found an incredible difference in our fruits and vegetables. The organic section isn’t closet sized like Walmarts, no, there is a HUGE section of organic fruits and veggies at hubby’s place of work, HyVee! More on that at another time. 

After a day of tear shedding for me yesterday, my husband who is trying so hard to be supportive in what has evidently turned our mundane routine lives upside down, picked out a movie to watch. Inside Out was his choice. We’ve seen it numerous times and I knew what message he wanted to get to me. Behind every tear is JOY! Every moment of sadness is followed by a moment of relief when you see the JOY standing there. I need to feel the sadness, experience the loss, of food, toxins, bitter friends and toxic people; I need to grieve if I’m ever to find a complete JOYFUL HEALING! 

The only place I find MY healing, is God and ALL that He has given us and shown us to be the truth! All praise and glory to God!

1 Tim. 4:15 “Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all.”

A Break... I'm Not Clay

Pss. 38:10 “My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me.”

A Break… I’m Not Clay

It is with great distress that I need to announce a break. Whether physically or mentally I know myself too well to stick around to watch the hellfires consume the people I love. I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has inspired me to continue writing. This year has been an active place of healing for me, and I thank you with love.

You’ve told me over and over again how I lift your spirits, how you love my honest writing, how it is I that inspires YOU when it is some of you that inspires ME! I look for that inspiration every day in my life but don’t always find it where I look. Am I looking in the wrong places? Apparently yes. 

Facebook is becoming a desert, a desolate place where vultures linger and seek to suck every bit of life out of one living cactus. I’m a very sensitive person to the point the tiniest pinprick causes me to burst in a way I’m not accustomed to. Sorry, I don’t play your little games of ‘popularity’. Games, that’s all it is behind your mask. Well, I’m not clay, you’re not going to shape me into a hater, racist pig. I see people thinking they’re helping by spreading hate but they are a part of the demolition crew that is destroying this world.

Whether it is in YouTube comments or Yahoo comments or on Facebook, the vultures feed off of the sensitivity and I cringe when I hear/read the battle cry of joy when they’ve doused the light of the one shining brightness in a darkened world. They enjoy seeing people in pain. It is some kind of sickness that they embrace and I totally need to step away, to breathe.

A reality hit me last week when I had the pleasure of listening to this tiny little twelve-year-old, Grace VanderWaal, sing her heart out. 

One of her songs went like this:
I don’t know my name
I don’t play by the rules of the game
So you say I’m just trying
Just trying… to find my way.

Another of her songs Clay was one of my favorites. It touched me in a place that not many long time experienced writers touch me and here was this little girl, thinking she couldn’t sing, taking the world by storm and marking her spot in history. The elite vultures are going to devour her and place the obstacles of fame and popularity on her doorstep and while she has loving parents to protect her, they can only do so much.

“Your silly words
I won't live inside your world 
Cause your punches and your names
All your jokes and stupid games
They don't hurt
No they don't hurt
Watch them just go right through me
Because they mean nothing to me

I'm not clay” 
~ 12-year-old singer/songwriter Grace VanderWaal lyrics 

Like me wanting to protect people from their harsh reality of prejudice, racism, bigotry and hypocritville, people fall victim day in and day out and there is no protector. Sure they claim they have God as a protector, but too many times I see them as food for the vultures more than I see the Living God in them. They are being devoured and I have a weak stomach for mangled flesh.

Yesterday my stomach churned as if I was on the Zipper at the fair. I watched a good movie but it wasn’t enough to help relieve the motion sickness I felt in my stomach for mankind. Satan is trying to attack me from every angle whether it is my son (who will be out of his new job in two months due to the store closing down) or my love of nature; my ceramic birdbath fell yesterday cracking like a clay vase falling from the thirteenth floor with irreparable damage. Then there is the loss of respect for friends I once admired and looked up to as they slither in the snake pit, now I only see a darkness shrouding their beings. It’s all too much for me to bear and TRY to be a positive light in these dark and solemn times. I need to re-energize.

Maybe a break will help. Maybe I’ll unplug the computer completely and just vanish in an air of shrouded mystery. Maybe a day or two will be enough or maybe I need more time, only time will tell, eh? I need to breathe and only my commitments will stay while I take a step back from virtual reality. It’s not and never was a nice fit for me. TO ME, the virtual world is a huge department store on Black Friday filled to capacity with nude mannequins. I see a human off in the distance but I’ll never reach them because the mannequins will topple on top of me and smother me to death.

When I feel the anger and negativity start to boil over like water left on the stove, and I begin to lash out with hatred in my veins I know it’s time for me to get away from that which sickens me. I won’t be molded and formed into the hate-filled people that seem to run the virtual society. People are vicious and they hold no shame. Me, I’m ashamed of this place. I need to breathe because I’m NOT CLAY!

Author's note: *
*sorry Mike, I tried to see the good in a damned world. 
* I'll continue writing, bookmark my blog 

Deuteronomy 31:6 KJV 

Be strong and of a good courage, 

fear not, nor be afraid of them: 

for the LORD thy God, 

he it is that doth go with thee; 

he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

Woman with Issues

John 11:4 “When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.”

Perimenopause

Great news. I’m not just a grouchy insensitive woman I am now (added to all of my other disability issues) going through perimenopause. This is great news that as a woman who is now ‘not getting any younger’ has even more issues to deal with. At least there is a reason for my instability of the mind going, I’m a woman! I feel so sorry for men who have to put up with women, love or no love, no wonder they’re considered the stronger species, they never have to go through HALF of what women go through, they just have to put up with us. That takes strength, my friends, even though men are the biggest babies I’ve ever seen at the slightest of ailments.

By the way, this post isn’t for the single man, stop now. 

Everyone’s experience of perimenopause is unique. This is nice to hear.

35 Symptoms of Perimenopause

Hot flashes, hot flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
Irregular heart beat
Irritability
Mood swings, sudden tears
Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
Loss of libido
Vaginal dryness
Crashing fatigue
Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
Disturbing memory lapses
Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
Itchy, crawly skin
Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
Increased tension in muscles
Breast tenderness
Headache change: increase or decrease
Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Sudden bouts of bloat
Depression
Exacerbation of existing conditions
Increase in allergies
Weight gain
Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
Dizziness, vertigo, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
Changes in body odor
Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
Tingling in the extremities
Gum problems, increased bleeding
Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
Osteoporosis (after several years)
Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc.

What else is good to know is that I have two more stages:
Menopause. This is the point when it's been a year since a woman last had her last menstrual period. At this stage, the ovaries have stopped releasing eggs and making most of their estrogen.

Postmenopause. These are the years after menopause. During this stage, menopausal symptoms such as hot flashes ease for most women. But health risks related to the loss of estrogen rise as the woman ages. 

Great, more health risks after all of this? I guess my eight-hour sleep-filled nights will be over too! Maybe I’ll be an exception to the rule, but I’m not counting on it. 

I thought I had permanent PMS but since I’m no long in my thirties, nope, it’s the OTHER PMS woman syndrome, PeriMenopauseSyndrome. Yeah, I made that up because I’m so happy to find out that what I’m going through isn’t a life threatening illness that is going to take my life so early, although, I’d probably be glad to get away from the earth at this point in my GOS, (growing old syndrome).

So you probably thought this was yet another God post or something and stumbled upon a woman and her issues post. Issues is an understatement, I’m trying to figure out what in the name of God I am going through. (See what I did there?) Well there you have it, I turned this into a God post after realizing that this is part of the woman’s suffering.

Gen. 3:16 “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

I guess I’ll just have to live with it AND die with it, YAY women. I think I’ll find ways to deal with these issues that are bombarding me like a fourth of July fireworks show. I’ll be a better person for it, right, dealing with the syndrome with grace? Praise be to God.