Letting Go ~ To Astri and Christopher

Matthew 18:10 ESV “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

Letting Go

They say my wounds are open

That I must set you free

If I am ever to heal myself 

Of this illness now in me

I loved you and your brother

You left me here alone

So many years I cried for you

Although you’re not my own.

They say this cut is pretty deep

That it could halt my healing

I need to find a peace within

So yearly I’m not reeling.

I need to let God do His job

His need for you was great.

I'm worthy and I’m honored 

To give Him all the weight.

I release you to the heavens

Where I cannot come as yet

God still has some work for me 

As your place, I can’t forget.

Go now little children

Let your voice be heard

I give you to my Lord above

As the stars are being stirred.

I find a peace in knowing

That you’re in a better place

We all are being used now

As we’ve all been saved by grace!

I cannot shed pained tears for you

I know you didn’t die

You were with me but a moment

Before God gave you wings to fly.

Angel Always… Godspeed

God has blessed you both! 

Christopher Alexander (12-2-82) and Astri Celia (4-26 04)

My children who were STILL born!

Always loved and never forgotten

Galatians 1:15 ESV “But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace,”

Feeling Sad

 Writing this, thinking of Christopher I look out the window and see this. 

Col. 3:15 “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.”

A Sad Day

I could feel the sadness brewing at the beginning of the week but when Thanksgiving arrived it hit me like a Mack truck running me over, and my body left to lie on the cold concrete as the truck kept going. I always get sad around the holidays missing my family but it hit me harder this year I think because my one and only living son had to work.

I could feel the hustle and bustle coming through my screen as my days are not much more than sitting behind a screen writing my feelings down or cleaning and scrubbing the house to my liking as I prepare for the Christmas season. I just like a clean house so it tends to keep me busy on a daily basis.

It was 34 years ago on Thanksgiving day that I lost my firstborn son. I often think of what my son would be like had he been able to live in this crazy world. Sometimes I’m thankful that he didn’t have to endure years of pain with me as a failing mother and that he resided with his heavenly Father who would shield him from the world's animosity; it doesn’t hurt any less, after all, Christopher was still born!

It’s too long of a story to get into but the gist of it is, the sharp stinging pains started on Thanksgiving Day in 1982, and a doctor visit the next day confirmed my nine-month fetus was lying in a tomb, my body. A week would pass before the dead lifeless baby was delivered and it was one of those changing points in my life that affected me for life. 

Every Thanksgiving Day has been a kind of memorial day for me (no one else) when I think of that day. I don’t cling to the sadness just for that day but the days that followed leading up to Christopher’s birthday, December 2nd. This year was no different as my husband and I sat at an empty table alone, eating our scrumptious dinner that I was ever so grateful to be eating.

I consider myself to be a strong person but there are two days that buckle me to my knees and that is Astri’s birthday and Christopher’s birthday, my two angel babies that didn’t have work to do on earth but had plenty to do in heaven!

So maybe you can sympathize with me as I eagerly made the turkey, the mashed potatoes, yams, and dressing this year but the meal when done, would only fill my husband and my stomach. Tears streamed down my face during prayer as I was missing so much, feeling so empty waiting to be filled. This was Adam’s first Thanksgiving away from the table and I felt the emptiness in the core of my bones.

I watched as family after family rejoiced in spending time with one another. Picture after picture of sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles all gathering around for what was to culminate in a family tradition. Family time together, that is what Thanksgiving is to many people but I do know a few who celebrated alone and maybe no one offered a prayer for them (but me) because they were too busy being thankful for what was in front of them.

I think in some way I shaped my own family tradition of loneliness on Thanksgiving Day and not really understanding or comprehending what Family Tradition is all about. My family back home celebrated in their own non-traditional way. My brother invited my mother to his house, my other brother went to his families home, while my other two brothers and sister all ate alone, like me. (My one brother is homeless, the other alone in Tennessee, my sister's kids all ate at their friend's house, I guess, because tradition is not the norm for my blood family)

It’s pretty sad when you miss family because of a death and they’re no longer with you to celebrate, or you live too far away to get together for the turkey day celebration, but it is quite downright pathetic when you have a big uncaring family and you’re left alone on the holiday even without a simple holiday greeting of Happy Thanksgiving! Just so you know, *I* DID make the effort to extend a greeting to those blood family members who are my ‘friends’ on facebook. A huge family and two replies, wow that made my day.

Now my virtual family all replies when you say Happy Thanksgiving to make you feel like some part of their family and celebration; that takes the sting off of feeling depressed during the holiday. Had it not been for them, I would have probably spent the day puddled in tears, feeling hurt and throwing myself a pity party.

My writing break is not over yet but I just had to get this off of my chest and writing is my only healing spot. Thank you all for reading but most off all THANK YOU for allowing me to see traditions through your eyes and letting me know that families DO exist in the world today! Thank you for sharing you with me!

See it or not, this cross was for me. 

Astri Celia ~ Still Born

Hos. 9:11 “As for Ephraim, their glory shall fly away like a bird, from the birth, and from the womb, and from the conception.”

Astri Celia 

b. 4-26-04 d. 4-26-04

So many have forgotten her

They never knew her name

What people here don’t realize 

I’m left not quite the same

I held her tiny body

My fingers brushed her face

Life was taken out of her

Right from this earthly place

She never felt the sunshine

No chance to run and play

I was faced with living

Without her near me every day.

Seven months of bonding

As all pregnant mothers know

You’re threaded by conception

To this child you’ll watch and grow.

So many have forgotten her

Astri Celia was her name

What people here don’t realize

I’m left not quite the same.

Ecc. 7:1 “A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth.”

Poetry Sunday ~ Would have been ~ Eleven Years

Matt. 18:10 “Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.”

Eleven Years

Eleven years without you

An eternity in my heart

Eleven years of hurt

Too many years apart.

Eleven years I’ve cried

Each one without you here

Eleven years I’ve missed

But never missed a tear

Eleven years of a piece

That’s missing from my soul.

A baby girl I longed to see

Leaving me an empty hole.

Eleven years I’ve known your place

Is not here by my side

Eleven years you’ve walked along

In an angelic heavenly stride.

Eleven years that you’ve been gone

But one day we’ll be together

Never again to walk alone

We’ll fly like birds of a feather.

To you my beloved daughter

I cherish your time in me.

I await to be reunited

Where we’ll spend our eternity!

God Bless You, Astri Celia Brandt

Still Born: 4-26-04

 

 

The Angel's Called

Ex. 23:20 Behold, I send an Angel before thee, to keep thee in the way, and to bring thee into the place which I have prepared.
 
~ * ~ The Angel’s Called  ~ * ~
The angels came from mounted high,
cradled his soul I don't know why.
Wrapped in fleece-like softened wings;
silenced now he no longer sings.
 
Nestled within a tidal womb
fertile bed becomes a tomb
Shrouded in the serene abode
a vacant place his body stowed.
 
Earthbound duty not his call,
a rain of stars on him did fall.
Whisked away before I could hold;
a lifeless body lay there cold.
 
Summoned to be an angel himself;
journey of breath put on a shelf.
Though I miss his earthly duty;
I savor now his angelic beauty.

To think on this day 32 years ago I gave birth, blows my mind. The grieving process has minimized but it will never go away because Christopher is a part of who I am today. Even though I didn’t get to hear his cries, or see him walk across the floor for the first time, his voice played out in my soul day after day, year after year. His footsteps were heard in other children running and playing; his laughter was deep in my soul comforting me.

On this day as I remember the images all to vividly, I hold my child who was STILLborn in the essence of my being. As some people wish that grief would end, I don’t because grounding is necessary to move me forward in life and to always keep him alive in my heart.

My prayer for him today is that he is doing his heavenly duty for our great and Honorable King of Kings, and may he welcome me into Heaven when the time comes.

I’ve never stopped loving you, Christopher. 

Happy BIRTHday Astri

What the mother sings to the cradle goes all the way down to the coffin. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

 

Astri's Tenth Birthday

I look around for a sign

of her soul's existence.

I cannot find her anywhere

through all my tried persistence.

A gently cradled baby;

A stroller passes by.

My eyes begin to fill with tears.

I ask the question why.

Why is she not here with me?

Why has she gone away?

Why am I the lonely one?

Left to brave each day?

Is she now safe in heavens abode?

Are the Angels now her mother?

Is she there within the vibrant realm,

that's home to her own brother?

Does she think of me, as I of her,

with every passing day?

Will we ever meet again?

I'm lost for what I'd say.

I feel her in the warm swift breeze,

I sense her in a flower;

The birds all sing a song for her

A gentle rains her shower.

Ten years have passed I mark the day

The day that I gave birth;

The day I seen her soul depart

From this luscious earth.

Born~ 4-26-04 Went to heaven ~ 4-26-04

Don't ever think a day passes that my thoughts are not with my kids.

Two ANGELS, that never breathed one breath of this earth. 

I know, they are BOTH in a much better place!

Godspeed kids! Mom loves you!