The Story Continues: A Ray of Light

Ezek. 37:1 “The hand of the Lord was upon me, and carried me out in the spirit of the Lord, and set me down in the midst of the valley which was full of bones,”

A Ray of Light

Darkness had fallen upon the nursing home after my husband and son left, when from around the curtain to my left rolled in a woman. 

“Whatcha doin? My name ith Ray, I’m your roommate.”
“Hi Ray, nice to meet you.”
“What time do you go to thleep?” she said in her lispy voice.
“About nine.”
“Me too. Do you like it dark?”
“Yes, I don’t mind the dark,” I said with a smile.
“I like the curtainth clothed, do you?”

Ray was a bit older than me at sixty-three but had the mind of a child. I’ll say a fifteen-year-old because she did have some intelligence as I got to know her over the next ten days. She too was immobile and needed a mechanical lift to get her in and out of bed. She had bulging blue eyes and the electric smile of innocence. Her gray hair was manly, tight and straight but well kept. She told me over and over how she loved purple and everything purple as she pointed to her pajamas. She would be one of the elements of light that God shined down on me. 

The first night I was there my dinner came at seven-thirty. To me, it was almost time for bed but I was hungry. I had not eaten since lunchtime (twelve o’clock) that day. I think my first meal was Salisbury steak with a biscuit and mashed potatoes and a small glass of water. Water, water was scarce for the next couple of days.

I brought with me a big thirty-two-ounce cup of water from the hospital. The hospital gives them to patients and well since I was so toxic, it isn’t like the cup could be reused. I took little sips because I did not look forward to peeing in this place. I could not yet put the dinner tray over both of my legs, so it was at an awkward slant over my right leg. The trauma of anything touching my wounded leg scared me to bits. I didn’t cover it in a blanket because the slightest brush of anything left me with a tinge of pain. 

My medication was due at seven and had not yet arrived and at eight-thirty when Ray pushed the button for the nurse, I asked when I would be receiving my meds. The young nurse said the ‘pill tray’ was on its way down the hall. I asked if she could help me to the commode after she was done with Ray and she said yes, finishing up placing Ray in bed with the ‘lift’, she said, “I’ll be right back in a minute.” And she left the room. 

She came back to the room at nine-fifteen with another young nurse and they were both wearing yellow protective coverings and gloves, in one hand was a gait belt. The gait belt was placed around my waist and it was used to help lift my tiny eight-eight pound body. One nurse to my right and one to my left hand, both had hands gripped on my pained hips in a two-foot space, they lifted. I always counted so we could be in sync. One, two, three, lift, small grunt, and pivot. Imagine three women in a two-foot space trying to pivot. The gait belt was a necessity so as to avoid liability in anything breaking.

“Please, hold the belt until I’m completely seated. This is how my left femur became broken, a sloppy seating on the commode.” Tears began running down my cheek as the tragic incident flooded my mind. Embarrassment, pain, vanity, all danced around in my head as I was gently seated. They removed their gowns and left the room for me to urinate. I was pushing the nurses' call button as fifteen minutes on the commode was leaving my limbs numb. They returned, put on a new set of yellow gowns and gloves, and lifted me, pivot, and I sat on my bed and was ready to just sleep. I jokingly thanked them for the dance. It was my sense of humor and personality that kept these young ladies smiling as they took care of me for the next week.

Curtains were drawn lights out. I cried quietly because I honestly was afraid to be alone. My husband had spent the ten days at the hospital with me and this place barely had sitting room for my two guests. I was alone, except for my prayers and my roommate, Ray.

“You okay?” I hear in the darkness, it was Ray.
“Yeah Ray, I’m just lonely.”
“I get like that thumbtime. Itth okay to cry. What time do you get up?”
“About five for me.”
“Yeah, me too. I go to dialithith.” I drifted off a little as she continued talking, ever so lightly, but it was comforting in the darkness. “Okay, goodnight.”
I opened my eyes a second and whispered, “Goodnight, Ray.”

I was startled awake at about one o'clock as the bright lights came on and Ray was being tended to. I called out, “Can someone get my pain meds for me and I need to pee, too.” 
“Sure Joni, let us take care of Ray first okay?” 
Okay, thank you.” 
She went and got another nurse after calling down for pain meds for me. They gowned and gloved up and came around the curtain to help me. 

I was on twelve-hour oxysomething but allowed ‘2 booster pills’ for pain if needed. And being startled awake and moved around, I certainly needed the pain medication still at this juncture of healing. It had only been eleven days since surgery. The pill lady was a different nurse, she was called the ‘charge nurse’, I guess because she was in charge of the pills? Maybe the nurses too, I don’t know. She took my vitals while she was there at two o'clock so she didn’t need to wake me at three to do it all over again. Everything normal (except me) and with a ‘I hope you sleep well’ after shutting the lights off and closing the door, she was out of the room.

“That feelth better,” I hear Ray say on the other side of the curtain.
“Yeah, it sure does,” I whispered.
“Okay, goodnight.” 
“Goodnight Ray”

Jer. 29:11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

The Story Continues: Hospital Stay ~ Flowers Arrive

Pss. 96:6 "Honour and majesty are before him: strength and beauty are in his sanctuary."

The Story Continues...The Hospital Stay

The aftermath wasn’t so bad, in the beginning. I woke after the operation back in my room and my husband and son looking over me with pale faces. I could see the worry and stress dripping from their eyes. His mother was in the waiting room as I had requested because I just wanted my first loves to be what I saw when I woke.

Today I’m going to write a bit about my hospital stay. The second or third day (remember, I lost all sense of time) flowers started coming in. My son had told my niece about me being in the hospital and she being the sweetheart that she is, put a post on her/my (blood)family FB page. My two long-lost brothers sent flowers and balloons, my mother and sister sent flowers as well as two of my nieces. I do remember having to wait to tell my mother what happened to me because she kept ringing my phone incessant with worry, causing me undue stress in the process. Finally, my son had to call and tell her I was in the hospital. I only used my phone for hubby and son. I couldn’t move anyway so the phone was just a comfort artifact for a couple days. This post may seem choppy but I'm trying to get it all out there.

My husbands' mom gave me flowers in a beautiful deer coffee mug and the cutest softest dog ever! My niece posted a link to the gift shop at the hospital. My sister sent up from the gift shop a precious stuffed dog. And I received two angels too! And balloons, I received balloons attached to stuff, just what, I have no idea. I now have two stuffed dogs that I named Riley and Sassy! 

My husband, well he brought me a ton of stuff, a cross necklace, a single cross that in the center crystal stone when looked at in the sun, the serenity prayer is written! No kidding, it’s pretty awesome! A coffee mug that says ‘Good morning, Punkin’ with a small pumpkin in the cup. Halloween was nearing (I had no idea) and ‘punkin’ was one of his pet names for me. Over the ten days he had to bring tons of stuff from home and the store, so no I can’t list it all, but this man really came through for me, his broken woman and the confused man that he had become. He also brought the beautiful prayer quilt that my mother-in-law’s church had made for me and prayed over every stitch as it was being made. 

My son, he brought to me White Roses, in a vase. Not real ones he said because they die. He also gave me a Squirrel and a bluebird since I couldn’t sit and look at my birds and squirrels at the feeder at home. He also gave me a plaque, a wooden wall hanging that had two ‘wings’ (angel wings?) and the words ‘Believe you can’! He arranged everything so nicely at the window for me, and my husband draped the quilt over the back of the sofa.  All of the nurses (and docs) commented on the beauty of ‘love’ that I was receiving! 

My room was being filled with treasures and I was essentially just lying there staring at them, immobile, in pain and every shred of vanity and dignity tossed out the window. By the second or third day, I was getting more comfortable in the place. I’m not sure if it took that long for the drugs to wear off but the days seemed endless.

The bright room was a nice size all for myself and the usual monitoring machines. There was a studio style sofa in front of the window whose cushions unfolded into a bed for a family member if needing or wanting to stay. Steven stayed all ten days. He’d go home, take a shower, grab a bite to eat and bring essentials back to the hospital for me. He missed too many days of work for me and the poor fella was run as ragged as a war-torn handkerchief. His mind to me, looked like a jigsaw puzzle scattered on the floor as he tried finding all the pieces to go in the proper place as we went along on this journey. It was tough on all three of us. This wasn’t just a journey for Joni to learn and GROW.

For the next ten days, I was miss popular as were my bowel movements and my birthday! Those were the questions asked daily, the birthday one was asked with every nurse visiting the room. I was also known as little miss toxic. If a nurse helped me with the bedpan they had to gown up and double glove. If they handled my oral chemo pills they had to wear gloves. Funny how I was not told of the toxicity of these pills they handed me. I handled them like they were aspirin. My room was labeled outside with the skeleton and crossbones, listing me as a toxic commodity? 

With each nurse and or doctor that entered the room, I made them leave with a smile. In only ten days I had built relationships with the nurses, x-ray people, the radiation men and women, doctors, even the women who mopped the floor and emptied garbage pails. Not one person left my room without a smile on their face. 

The doctor who did my surgery, whom if you remember, held my heel for an hour before getting my leg to straighten out, it turned out he was from Colorado and would be returning home at the end of the week. He told me that he would be leaving Nebraska a different man than the one who came. He visited me daily and on the last day, handing him a rose, I told him to, “Always smile!” He stopped by before leaving for Colo. bidding me goodbye. He didn’t have to stop by but I’m assuming as a changed man, he wanted to. 

After bantering back and forth with the oncologist about the toxic port kind of chemo (who was the colleague onc. I missed at the office), we finally saw eye to eye when my tests, x-rays and my response to the oral poison was in my favor. Everything with the oral chemo was working. Tumor was shrinking, lymph nodes physically smaller than before. I was eating normal, bowels normal, skin normal, all in all I was a model patient. He had no argument seeing I surely didn’t look or act like a Stage 4 cancer patient! 

Talk of putting me in a nursing home/rehab came up at the end of my 'welcome' and I didn’t want to go but the insurance was not going to allow me much longer in the hospital. I don’t know why I couldn’t rehab in the hospital but then I guess the journey would have been pointless. When Portia came in and told me (as I’m eating my delicious lunch meal) that they found me a spot in the nursing home/rehab and I’d be transferred at three o’clock that day. My face drained of all blood. I suddenly wasn’t hungry. More tears puddled the sheets and filled the wastebasket with kleenex. Change. That week I think I could’ve built an ark to float away on all of those tears I shed. I closed my eyes and silently prayed. Portia was sitting right in front of me and my husband to my left. She gets a call, “Oh. Uh huh, Uh huh,” She looks at me and says, the room won’t be ready until tomorrow. Talk about prayers being answered! I kicked once again into the ‘accepting whatever God turns my way’ woman. 

With each doctor, nurse, Physical therapist, palliative nurse, or janitor that came through the door that day they received a carnation, daisy, or a rose to brighten their day and as a token of remembrance of me. While they expressed how sad they were to see me go, they smiled and thanked me for my kind gesture. Only one grumpy nurse (she was young too) turned down my gesture with “I have no place for a flower.” I knew she needed prayer the most.

Nurses have so much to contend with on a daily basis, that I wanted them to know that there is one person that appreciates all that they did for me. While my three vases thinned out of flowers, I sat in reflection of the ten days I was there. The room emptied for a few moments and I was alone in silent tears. I gazed out the window, a monarch butterfly passed by, all the way up on the third floor. Must’ve seen my flowers in the window. Thank you, Jesus, I whispered. At that moment a feather, a white feather, floated by. I knew I was being watched closely and guided by everything spiritual and Godsent! The only birds I had seen during my visit were two pigeons off on a roof two or three streets over.

I came into the hospital a pure nutrition-filled body enhanced by vitamins and a strict healthy protocol and I left a drug addict, having been on Morphine, using oxy something, Percocet, oral chemo drugs, a bone-strengthening drug shot into me once a month, and a lost healthy diet. Gone. A year and a half of health ~~~ lost to this. And we wonder why the nation has an opioid crisis? The doctors made it this way, not the people!

1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”

The story continues…

The Outbreak of Insanity

Isa. 65:17 "For, behold, I create new heavens and a new earth: and the former shall not be remembered, nor come into mind."

The Outbreak of Insanity

As I sit in the quiet of the morning reading, writing, pondering I look out the window at darkness. Soon light starts giving shape and form to objects, then the sun ascends lending warmth to all of the earth. That’s a cosmic take on how my morning begins.

On a spiritual level, I look out at the darkness and wonder who or what the depths of the night has smothered the previous day, darkened by insanity. It only takes one quick click to realize that the insanity has flooded the shores and the humans respond in anger and with that outburst of anger people die. 

It is well known that I’m weird, that I seek light before darkness and that I stay in the catacombs of my mind away from the outside forces that try to break me down. This past year has been no different where I kept all of the negativity at bay, choosing to hold onto a lightsaber in a world obsessed with a dark invader. I try to tell people about the effects of negativity on every single thing on this earth and out in the cosmic realm too, but I’m laughed at because, in reality, people don’t see light and dark, they don’t see energy as positive and negative, they see here and now and nothing more.

Here’s a science lesson for you today. Toxins are a form of negative energy. The releasing of toxins in your system all has a negative effect on every aspect of your health on a cellular level that makes up this body. This is why disease strikes. In some way, you understand this but are resistant because you believe you fill yourself with enough positive to keep any illness away from you. 

When tragedy strikes, you are saddened, you hurt, you’re angry, and you’re filled with disgust. You try to throw a speck of positivity into the mixture like adding water to oil. The oil is a tiny particle of negative energy trying to penetrate the overflowing positive soul. Your positive crumbs add very little to the realm of negative energy. 

We live in a world where insanity is overflowing. Like mold clinging to the dampened walls, a good scrub will not eradicate the fungus. Cancer is very much like a dirty fungus invading a body, a powerful scrubbing will appear to be cleaning you up but if you don’t change the toxins that created the mold; the fungus is going to continue to fester in a weakened body that no longer has the ability to fight off the growth.

My cells are damaged. I know because I have an internal system overrun with a fungus that a good radioactive cleaning doesn’t hold the power to cleanse. I remember being told by an oncologist that radiation would ‘take care’ of my psoriasis too as well as the dark invader of my cells. What he didn’t want to say was how the radiation would also kill the only good, living, combating cells that were left in my molecular structure. In other words, he wanted to add oil (radiate) to water (my spirit-filled soul). 

Your body is over 50% water, depending on the toxins or non-toxic level of input to your system. Fatty tissue contains less water than the lean meat of your body. If you’re overweight, that means you have an intense toxic system and more likely to get sick often and are basically a highway for virus’ and infections to invade. Eating the occasional salad is not going to help clean up the cells of your compromised system.

Sure you can get a quick fix, doctor’s offices hand out prescription candy like it was a trick-or-treat festival, come one come all, have some candy to poison your system. You can take the positive route or take the highway to hell, just don’t assume a salad is going to save you in a toxic world.

I woke this morning with the Son in my soul. Even though the clouds hide the sun, He is still there., every minute of every day. I could’ve gone to the negative news stream, allowed the insanity to penetrate my day and try and drown out the garden I have planted in my soul blooming for all of the world to see or for none to see.

While dark matter is its own force to reckon with the penetrating culprit of negativity cannot lead us. We must rise above the realms of darkness and allow the Light to filter out our toxic garbage.

Philip. 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

When we take a stand and actually work for change, change will happen. If you don’t change your entire being (the toxins you put in your system, the hate you spew, the negative thoughts you allow to seep in) nothing is going to change. Here is an excellent link to guide you to change. It is well worth the read.

As I go on my weird merry way I am continually working toward change. I am only one person setting out to change the view of the world. We cannot allow insanity to leak in and damage our hard work to change. Change your mind, body, and soul and you change the outbreak of insanity across the world!

Pss. 111:5 "He hath given meat unto them that fear him: he will ever be mindful of his covenant."

The Christmas Story?

Jer. 2:11 “Hath a nation changed their gods, which are yet no gods? but my people have changed their glory for that which doth not profit.”

The Christmas Story?

I never really gave the technicalities much thought to the Christmas Story, I trusted what I was taught and went with it on the same journey as you. Some see and understand it differently and now so do I. 

Well you already know I’m ‘different’ and believe things ‘differently’ and I’m okay with that but this one had toyed with me over the years and now it hit home solidly by the Word of God. What am I going on and on about? The story of three Wise men and how they came to Jesus. 

As the story that we’ve been programmed with over the years is that of the story of the Little Drummer Boy. You know the one, where the three wise men came from afar, following a star, and presented the newborn babe with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. As I was writing a poem this morning, I sought the truth because I don’t like writing something and then being told that ‘hey, that isn’t right.’ I like to try my best to get an accurate conveyance of truth.

Matt. 2:8-11 "And he [Herod] sent them [the wise men] to Bethlehem, and said, Go and search diligently for the young child; and when ye have found him, bring me word again, that I may come and worship him also.When they had heard the king, they departed; and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy. And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh."

They went into a house and saw a young child. They didn’t find a manger and a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes. That was the Shepherds who saw the babe in a manger.

Luke 2:16 “And they [the shepherds] came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.”

The Magi, taken from the link – 
“They were definitely men of learning. They were certainly men of great learning. The word Magi comes from the Greek word 'magos' (where the English word 'magic' comes from). Magos itself comes from the old Persian word 'Magupati'. This was the title given to priests in a sect of the ancient Persian religions such as Zoroastrianism. Today we'd called them astrologers. Back then astronomy and astrology were part of the same overall studies (and 'science') and went hand in hand with each other. The magi would have followed the patterns of the stars religiously. They would have also probably been very rich and held high esteem in their own society and by people who weren't from their country or religion.”

I always knew there was some twisting of [HIS]story because when one man sees a house burning in a blazing fire, another man might see a small oven fire consuming a kitchen, while yet another person might see a legal burning of a persons trash. Stories get constructed and misconstrued numerous times over the years. Some see the history in the bible as literal and me, being a poet, have always seen many portions as metaphorically divined. I don’t think God ever intended for us to pluck someone’s eye out. You don't need to chest thump and correct me here, this is me sorting this out. 

The Little Drummer Boy is a story we were sold throughout our lives that we somewhat believed. The story is kind of like the tale I was told of what was needed to fight this disease I’m fighting. I was programmed over and over to believe something only to find out that it isn’t all true and there are other ways to think about the killer disease. See there? I said killer disease without hesitation only because that was my belief for forty years. That’s about how long ago my grandmother was taken by the disease of a lifetime.

We are programmed to believe that this is a ‘killer’ disease only because we’ve heard the story over and over and we believe what we’re told because we’re a trusting species never giving rise to doubt in what we’re being fed. Literally, what we’re being fed are lies! When you read a label that says ‘All Natural’ you believe what it says never looking any closer to see what portion is all natural (usually 1% of a whole), you just buy what you’re being sold.

Chemotherapy is another story being sold to unsuspecting people. I hear over and over how it ‘cured’ so and so but, there it is, there is always a ‘but’! After destroying the immune system the ‘cured’ get sicker and sicker and some even have to deal with a recurrence and guess what you're sold, more chemo, radiation and drugs. Is it because you can’t change your lifestyle to save your life? Are you seriously not worth it? 

There’s a change that came over the world in the form of a baby who thought you WERE (and still are) worth a change from the evil that Eve brought on mankind. No, not everyone can be as strong as Jesus, but inside you, you have hidden strength that will come ALIVE when you see yourself WORTH the change! There IS change in the story, there is HISstory to be made, all you have to do is see yourself worthy. God thinks you are, do you think you are?

Job 30:18 “By the great force of my disease is my garment changed: it bindeth me about as the collar of my coat.”

Prov. 24:21 “My son, fear thou the LORD and the king: and meddle not with them that are given to change:”

Fight the Good Fight

1 Tim. 6:12 “Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also 

called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.”

Fight the Good Fight

Since I gave myself permission to use the word FIGHT, not as a negative but as a positive, this statement came to mind, ‘Fight the good fight!’ Usually when something comes to mind more often than not it is from the bible and sure enough, I dug around to find where the term comes from, the term is found in Timothy 6:12!

I need to find a peace in my use of the word fight. I’m not using the word, fight, in anger as if I’m mad at this disease that is in my body waging war; no I’m fighting the good fight. As a child, I always fought for what I believed in going against my parents, Catholicism, and any other form of opposition that rose against me. And believe me, my entire life has been a battle; the war didn’t begin with the sudden appearance of this affliction. 

In my eyes, complete internal and external healing can only take place by the individual person, not by a drug dealer. An open wound may need a surgeon but your chronic illnesses need an all-over healing that is not going to take place with drugs. When you decide to go the homeopathic route, you need to tend to your damage by taking good care of you. You need to go deep within yourself to heal portions that you thought were dead and buried and are often found in the abysmal caverns of your soul.

Digging into your childhood to find those old wounds that made you feel broken need to be mended, not just stitched up or pacified but HEALED. Find the cause of your sickness that stemmed from your inability to handle any adversity that boiled but you left the stew on simmer thinking the problem would just go away or eventually evaporate. As you get older and one crippling illness after another creeps up on you, look to your past. 

As I was growing up, my body told me that I have a built-in defense mechanism. This mechanism rears its head on life’s path as disease/illness and healing. I can go back to my early childhood and peek in the window of my past and see what the cause of each illness I had, from mumps to strep throat to mononucleosis and onto psoriasis and other ailments like arthritis. All of those illnesses rose from an unnatural childhood. There was alcoholism, drug use, being bullied and sexual abuse. These evil elements manifested in my ill health. My immune system was basically fighting the good fight against the enemy. A condition surfaced because I was not winning the battle against abuse to my mind, body and my spirit. The affliction was my immune system kicking into overdrive to defend and wake me up. Either I was too young to take care of myself and listen to what my body was saying, or I was just too blind to see.

When this recent malady came upon me, I knew first and foremost what needed to be done. I needed to look within myself, go on a spiritual journey and heal from within. As I’ve said over and over since January there is more to this attack on my body than just popping pills, radiate, slice and dice to heal; the disease is an attempt to awaken you. You need to bring your mind into sync with your inner cogs. It’s called a WAKE-UP call, so to speak.

I’ve never depended on doctors in my life. They, to me, believe egotistically that they are gods and demand submission. Doctor’s are opinionated, meaning they are right and you are wrong. The scare tactic is the tone of your diagnosis from the heavy voice of your doctor.
“Well sir, you have (fill in your illness), I can give you (name a drug) for that. We’ll take some tests and let you know what more we can do for you.” (Prescribe more scripts) How many of you just nodded your head in agreement? Granted there are a rare few who actually listen to YOU. I’ve not found one since my one pediatrician back in the day but I know they’re out there.

When was the last time you went to the doctor and they offered healing? Not surgery, drugs and medication, real healing sending you to a naturopath, holistic healer anything but offer you fear and drugs. Can you answer that, honestly?

You walk into the doc’s office with a pain in your back. “Okay ma’am/sir, we’re going to schedule you for some x-rays and an MRI but here is a pain medication to hold you over.” First, they ask you about allergies and such and you give them the answer but don’t really know yourself if you’re allergic to the new synthetic drugs, but hey, you take the pill and find out because the doctor said so.

After getting fancy tests, he informs you that you might need surgery. That is a fear tactic used over and over again. After you break out in hives and vomit, he then tells you that you might be having an allergic reaction to the pills he gave you. He then proceeds to give you a different one. Does he EVER tell you about the side effects you might experience? Does he read the fine print to you? You know, liver damage, heart palpitations, a rise in blood pressure, or suicidal tendencies? Of course not, it’s a wait-and-see what works. Most doctor offices are paid to prescribe, not to heal. How many of you are being hounded to get a flu vaccine? One that has been untested on the flu virus of the season.

The above scenario is the exact instance that happened to my dad, right up until the day he died. Now my mother is being led down that same path with type2 diabetes. She’s on ten pills and was told to watch her sugar intake, that’s it! She was never told about watching out for the processed foods or the toxicity of meats, or how the GMO’s could make her illness worse, no, just take some pills and call me when problems arise.

I cannot in good conscience listen to the doctor when I have an Almighty Healer prescribing me herbs and fruits of the earth. He whispers to me and I hear what He is telling me. Now I’m not saying that YOU should do or hear the same thing as me, we are all uniquely individual and programmed differently. I just don’t believe that drugs are the end all-cure all of this addicted society. As I take, ‘Fight the Good Fight’, consciously, physically, and spiritually I find a healing peace wash over me because His Power is made Perfect my weakness!

All praise and Glory to God!

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” 2 Corinthians 12:9a (NIV)

Checkmate!

Paranoia Won't Win

Pss. 3:8 “Salvation belongeth unto the LORD: thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah”

Paranoia Won’t Win

The holiday season is slowly creeping up on us. While Sunday the fifth was a family event for me, it was basically a prelude to what I can expect at the family get together for Christmas this year.

I think I can say without a doubt that this year has been a year filled with paranoia where toxins, food, and family are concerned. Oddly enough (or maybe not) my faith hasn’t been shaken as I fight for my life out here in the real world. I am more concerned with the food that’s being served at get-togethers and being around his family who might have questions, but paranoia didn’t win in the end. I shrugged off the anxiety and faced the people and event head-on.

When we walked in the door on Sunday, the aroma began its assault on me but didn’t break me. Society breaks me more than the family gathering ever can. Empty plates spread out on the tables and the attendees just finishing up, now in the chatting mode as laughter could be heard throughout. When we walked further into the house, his aunt asked me if I wanted something to eat and I kindly said, no thank you, we had already eaten. My hubby wasn’t hungry either as he ate a nice big cinnamon bun before we left our house. He’s been trying so hard to cut back on soda, sugar, and sweets that he turned down the brownies that his mother offered him until she placed them right in front of his face and kept asking over and over if he wanted any until he buckled. The man cannot refuse his mother. No means no goes right out the window.

The only one that opened the discussion on my health was his cherubic aunt. She is eighty years old but looking at her wrinkleless face, you’d never know her age. I’m telling you, my face has more wrinkles and age than her beautiful smooth face. She has the face that I’d imagine that of an angel having, it also helps that she reminds me of one of my grade school nuns. She drives down to Nebraska from Sioux Falls South Dakota to see her family a couple times a year!

She wasn’t intrusive, she was compassionate and I have no problem at all telling her how my protocol is going and all that I’m doing to keep myself alive. She is very supportive and agrees with everything I’ve done so far and will continue to do. She told me she prays for me every night and adds me to her church prayer list weekly. 

I realized something this weekend. I have an iron will! After being bombarded with what I should and shouldn’t eat for nine months, gently nudged with every beat cancer newsletter out there, with aromas abounding from every direction, I’m being, to me, brutally attacked by the toxic invasion.

Speaking of toxic invasion, I use my writing as a safe haven. My blog is my corner of the world that no one can bully me into submission. I write what I want and when I want, typos and grammar shreds to pieces in my hands and I don’t give a flying fig! If people worried as much about their health as they do my grammar incapability, I imagine they’d be pictures of health. I’m out here fighting for my life and you’re worried about a run-on sentence, a missing comma, and lousy punctuation? Honestly, I think you need more help than me. Just saying.

I write my blog as a journal. I share my blog so people can see what I’m going through and maybe in some small way help just one person to change their life. I’m not writing to be published, I’m writing for ME, to share with YOU, and hoping along the way, you see a glorious God working in me. That’s it, that is all I’m doing.

I think I may just need a break, from writing, from sharing, and basically from the world. God has given me the strength to get through this year; He has helped me decipher the positive from the negative. He’s given me loving caring friends who walk this walk with me and had it not been for them, I don’t feel I could muster the strength to get through all of the paranoia that invades my comfy zone.

I have changed so much this year, inside and out. I’ve allowed paranoia to try and take hold of me like the toxic everything that surrounds me. I am gently moving into what is good for Joni phase as I weed out the ‘I don’t need that phase’ and what OTHERS want for me. This journey is about ME. If your doctor wants to load you up on drugs and you take it all in like candy, good for you. Me, I am adamant about not accepting drugs as a normal way of living. I’m on a journey of health. If that offends you or makes you cringe, I’ll pray for you, it’s all I can do at this time.

I told my niece this weekend, “I feel great! I feel alive!” She asked me what I was drinking. I said I’m high on life! For four years I could barely walk, I was, many days, walking with a cane, unbalanced and depressed that my life was descending into a bottomless pit. God pulled me out of that pit with CANCER! While some see that diagnosis as a death sentence, I see it as a life sentence. I will have this illness for the rest of my life, but I am embracing the change of seasons not being swept out by fear and paranoia. God has granted me the STRENGTH to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, CHANGE the things I CAN, and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE! (and no, I never went to A.A.) 

As God has abundantly blessed me on this journey may He bless you also on your journey. 

Pss. 24:5 “He shall receive the blessing from the LORD, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.”

The Ten Commandments to Kill The Toxic Invader

Ps. 9:2 "I will be glad and rejoice in thee: I will sing praise to thy name, O thou most High."

The Ten Commandments

To Kill The Toxic Invader

1) Open a vein and look inside the window to your life. Observe yourself and all of the past open wounds that have been seeping all of these years. If you feel scarred, you will feel glass separate you from your inner self, the you in your past. Look deep within your relationships, go back in time to nurture, face and heal those intimate sections of your life that might have been buried. Look at what shames you and causes you to turn your head if people were to know the truth that you’ve burdened yourself with. What guilt do you carry around with you that has kept you from healing that part of the child, the teenager, the woman? Look at the stress and all of the ugly pain associated with that part of your life. Number one will be the hardest thing you face in this healing journey. You know what they say, ‘One is the loneliest number.’ 

2) Be honest with yourself. If you’re going to stand and look in the window and see a perfect person, who knew no sin, then you are the toxic invaders next victim! Honesty is a healer. It can slowly stitch up the severed portion of your skin so it can begin scabbing over and healing completely with no scar left behind. Yes, that’s right, no scar left behind! Be honest in your healing, the non-truth will only hurt you. You’re the one that needs to heal.

3) Change… the norm! Change your fears, change your shame, change your diet, embrace a new you. There are going to be many challenges and changes in every way, shape, and form, literally. Two years from now you’ll look back at this time and wonder who you are right now. You won’t be staring in the window of a traumatized person, you will be looking into the face of a healed wounded soul. Change your way of thinking. Change your food, change your water, change everything from pots and pans to the soaps and shampoo you use. Now is the time for change…drastic change!

4) Pray and meditate! To whatever you believe in, now is the time to pray. My earnest faithful prayer is toward God in heaven. If you’ve ever read any of my blog posts, you will know, God is first and foremost in my life. Without Him, I would never attempt alternative treatment. If Jesus isn’t everything to you, then He is nothing to you. If healing is taking place in you then you know what it feels like to touch the hem of Jesus’ robe. 

Meditation also brings the healing to the surface as it slowly simmers the blood in your veins. You face what has leaked into your body to cause the cells damage head-on, you face the trauma in you with the One and only healer. I cannot attest to any healing taking place if you believe in nothing. All the diet change in the world won’t save you, it might be able to help you deal with chemo, but that is NOT an alternative route to healing this disease.

5) Just say no! We all have the power to say no, but we all know that sometimes we can be weak and never say no to anyone or anything. Take for example our food choices, we know they’re no good for us, our doctor has warned us, you’ve read about the dangers but you still reach for tempting, heart-damaging, health ravaging toxins. Say no to chemo, so no to oncologists that only believe in the almighty dollar. Believe in the power of real healing and you’ll begin to feel a real healing taking place. The only way to accomplish that is Just Say No! 

6) Research. Research your heart out. You might feel overwhelmed with information but then you’ll need to surround yourself with supportive like-minded individuals. The more research you do, the more empowered you’ll feel in your fight against naysayers who think you’re crazy. The more empowered you feel the more doorways to healing present themselves and God Himself walks beside you allowing channels to miraculously open that you thought might have been closed off to you. 
As the months' pass, you’ll feel the best you’ve ever felt. Pounds will shed like dandruff, food will have an enhanced flavor, skin and hair will take on a new luxurious look. While other cancer patients are falling ill, vomiting, sick in pain, you’ll be feeling great and wondering why more people haven’t gone this route. Fear, they fear the stigma surrounding the diagnosis, not the disease itself.

7. Supplements. Your body has announced over the bullhorn to you that you're sick, something’s not right and the noise and static have starched you into attention. Your cells are screaming out that they’re damaged and need repair. The symptoms have been clawing at you year after year, your instincts have been poking you with an icepick for you can’t remember how long, you’ve waited and waited it out and the problem never went away. Now with your immune system shot, your cells are done, they’re dying. Unless you save them! SAVE the cells you’re blessed with! Wake up and take charge, seize the very moment you’ve been given. Your doctor might want to hand you drugs and you readily take them because after all, he is a doctor. If he/she has heard of supplementation, ask if they are willing to work with herbs and vitamins BEFORE the drugs. They will, of course, say they can’t because they don’t know enough about them. It’s okay, you know why? Because you have already read through number six and are now aware of more than when you walked into the doctor's office.

If it is a matter of life and death: like you’ve had a heart attack and they need you to take medication to live, then by all means, listen to your doctor. If he tells you that you have the Big C, that leads us right to number eight.

8. Never fear! The word cancer in and of itself conjures fear. WHY, because everyone has lost someone to this disease. They’ve never heard of or known that there was another way to healing, why? Because of fear. The doctors' race in with the fear tactic even when you’re stage one, non-invasive. Did you know there are four stages? Why would a doctor tell a young mother who has found a rice size lump that she is going to die if she doesn’t get that piece of rice slaughtered out of her breast? Then they’ll radiate her to make sure they got it all and more times than not, they NEVER get it all. That’s because the tests, the digging, the radiating, the chemo all cause the C cells to spread. They don’t tell you that do they? No, they sure don’t. They tell you they got it all, send you and your drugs on their merry way and if you’ve done nothing to change your life, I can guarantee the C will resurface. But because of the research, you did in number six, you no longer live in fear!

9. Repair. Do everything and anything, legal or illegal to save your own life because rest assured there is nobody going to do it for you. Everyone is out for their own selves in this dog eat dog world, so save yourself with the love and strength of God and most importantly keep the faith in healing. Repair the inside and outside of you with all of the above tools. Fight like you’ve never been in a boxing ring but are well prepared to go a few rounds. Come out fighting and believe you're winning!

10. Rejoice! This is one you’ll want to do every day that you wake up alive and get to look in your husband or son’s eyes. Another day to be with the ones you love who are there for you in your world, making your concern their priority. You’ll want to rejoice in your healing. Praise God for the opportunities in front of you. You need to REJOICE in the midst of doubt and fear; wash off the dirty sediment that fear tries to sling at you. Rejoice in being alive. You are HEALING! Live it! BELIEVE it!!!

God Bless You!

A rock God placed in my path! 

Interesting...

Once in a lifetime!

It Was Interesting...the visit

We had been invited to our sister-in-laws birthday party. This would be another event of this loving family to get together. With food, love, and laughter the day would celebrate her 50th birthday. The differences with his family as opposed to my family back home in Maryland are polar opposites. My family hated get-togethers and whenever we did have one there was always alcohol, in hindsight, I guess to take off the edge of having to be together.

My new family is all about love! God is in this family so there is no alcohol at get-togethers just food, laughter and hugs and love! What a contrast for me. Since my diagnosis in January left me with slim pickins’ at these events, I chose to just avoid them all together. I did attend a graduation this year but skipped the food afterward and opted for going home. A wedding had me missing the reception because of food. A funeral had me attending the wake but all I ate was string beans.

This year we had already missed the Easter gathering, we missed his sister’s July cookout, too. When this invitation arrived I once again was hesitant in going because I know his brother always has some good food! And the man uses spices! The rest of the family has great food mind you, but to my tastes, coming from back east, I miss the bite it takes to make a meal taste good.

I really don’t want my husband to begin resenting me for this disease. Not that he would but in MY mind, he will. So I overcame my hesitation and told him I’d like to go. He was surprised and excited at the same time because for sure he thought we’d skip this family time, too. 

Hubby had told me his mom would be bringing fruit, non-organic but fruit nonetheless. So at least I knew I’d nibble something. If it’s one thing I realize with this disease and the food available is that it is not always going to be organic. So while I eat non-organic fruits and vegetables, I limit the intake, I scrub and clean them when they’re mine, or I bypass them altogether, but I will allow a nibble or two to fill my mouth. I DO NOT allow toxic meat in my body! No Way! That could ruin everything I’m trying to accomplish here.

We arrived at the house and it was filled with that familiar sights, sound, and smell. The family (mainly hers) gathered together in laughter and the aroma of, what else in the mid-west, pork! Their idea of bar-b-que is b-b-qued pulled pork. I didn’t like pork before this illness so it really has no sway over me. Now the aroma, that’s another thing, I did love bar-b-que so the aroma had my mouth watering as soon as the smell hit my nose!

My sis-in-law said she didn’t even know that they were having a party. Her mom arrived and her hubby made a huge pot of iced tea (sugarless, blah) and she thought hmm…that’s odd, why such a big pot of tea. Then her brothers and sister and nieces came bearing food and she finally was clued into what they were up to. No one likes surprises so this was the easiest way to surprise her without saying SURPRISE!

Everyone started digging into the scrumptious meal. Spoons were clanging, ice was being dropped into cups and the festivities were underway. All the talk was about the impending Eclipse and the parties all around town and the state for that matter. Rumor has it that Harrison Ford is in Alliance, Ne. to view the eclipse and hotels are booked beyond means, more than when we have the Crane passing through. Apparently, Nebraska is the bullseye of the passing of the eclipse.

More on that later, right now this post is about food! I sat and watched as people filled their faces, gobble after gobble of unhealthy fattening foods, pork, pasta, cake, deviled eggs, more pasta, pickle wraps and there sat two fruit salads going untouched, and there sat little skinny me.  I rose to my feet, got me a plate and filled it with fruit! Strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, kiwi, pineapple, cantaloupe and more, I was in fruit heaven, for sure!

After everyone was just about done, I saw two of the big guys get up and dig into the fruit. A small plate considering the hefty plates they had just finished. The conversation between his, brother, sister, mother and I was about food. They were like, “Why can’t we just eat what we want?” Not directed at me, directed at weight gain in general. I said, “You CAN eat what you want, we all do.” The reply… “Yeah but without the weight gain.” I said, “Oh. I get it, you want to win a million dollars without buying a ticket?” chucklechucklechuckle, agreement all around.

That’s not how it goes people. EAT all you want but know, you HAVE to PAY for whatever you put in your mouth!  

Gotta run… Eclipse time! God bless us all!

Luke 21:25-28 And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken.And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh.

An Emotional Healing

Jer. 30:13 “There is none to plead thy cause, that thou mayest be bound up: thou hast no healing medicines.”

Emotional Healing

I am so grateful that I’m a writer. I sit and wonder now if this wasn’t Gods plan all along; writing being my emotional healing tool during this phase of my life. I don’t even think I can put into words the elation I feel writing to you all and expressing my inner emotions. Some people have a hard time verbally communicating let alone penning their thoughts.

I find writing to be a part of my emotional healing. Healing that isn’t going to take place unless I heal emotionally as well. I can physically see and feel different aspects of my healing taking place. I believe I’ve penned everything there is to emotionally heal from unless there is some dark sinister revelation inside me churning that will spring up in time and devastate all the progress I’m making. 

I don’t see anything unknown popping up because, throughout my life, I’ve always been an open book where anyone who meets me whether online or face to face sees the real me, not a mask-wearing woman with hidden closets waiting to be cleaned out. 

Since I found out that stress and anxiety are partly to blame for this diagnosis, I had to dig really deep because I wasn’t even aware of the anxiety eating at me on a very cellular level. Dig and dig again finding the minutest of reasons for any anxiety I might be harboring. 

I have prayed and meditated for years but what I do now is an added meditation where I clean out my entire system from the inside out. You know how when Spring comes you’re inclined to clean out the closets and throw away old clothes and junk that has accumulated over the years? Well, our bodies need this same cleaning out and on a daily basis if we are ever to be healthy, non-toxic, non-drug induced creations. 

Anxiety stems from fear and God is not of fear. There is an enemy just waiting to pounce on the smallest inclination of any fear that hides in you. You might be of the chest pumping variety that says, I’m not afraid of anything, but let me ask, would you toss out those hundreds of dollars worth of meds? Why? Because you fear what might happen if you do? Fear is fear and yes that is a fear! Oh I can hear some saying that tossing meds is just plain stupid, but I’m saying, you wouldn’t even NEED those meds if you cleaned the TOXINS from your life.

Stress and worry are debilitating. Something as small as, will I be able to pay the bills this month, or will I have money to feed my family? They are worries and stress on levels you don’t even realize that eat at your immune system and as soon as your immune system is weakened, a disease strikes like a snake lashing out to bite its victim.

The root cause of much of my anxiety was my previous marriage. I’m not even joking a little bit here. I know many people who will say when there’s a problem within the marriage it is Godly to work it out and stay. I say whatever works for you does not work for all. And there IS a reason people divorce because they did try to work it out, they stayed until they suffocated trying to hold pieces of the marriage together. 

I was married at the tender age of seventeen and stayed in a toxic filled, anxiety-laden marriage for TWENTY YEARS! I can guarantee ninety percent of what I have attacking my body is because of my previous marriage. I could feel healing taking place the moment I left home but the damage had already been done, the cells were falling apart, the immune system had become unraveled and an illness slapped me upside the chest, quite literally.

After I left home, so many aspects of my past haunted me for years. I was out here with my Savior by my side the entire time and the enemy was back home sending out the whipping tool trying to rein me in via guilt and shame. I didn’t succumb and even after discussing divorce with my ex, he still thought he owned me and could wait years upon years before ever filing for divorce. 

My ex would never be a man and face the damages he caused, and not taking care of his son was taking its toll on my son and me. This was a layer of the onion exposed. It was bitter, it hurt peeling the reality away, it scarred me and I’m now paying for that weakened part of me. 

I filed for divorce and stood on the solid ground knowing this is what I had to do if I was ever going to heal completely. The marriage wouldn’t evaporate all by itself. The years of pain and contamination festered inside of me until it bubbled over into a deathly disease. I believed I was healing all of those years away from home and I was but like I said, the mutilation had scarred me and had detrimental results.

I am now on a path of emotional cleansing from my past. It wasn’t just the marriage but the family also. It is kind of hard throwing all of those skeleton bones out of the closet when they had been such a big part of my life for such a long time. I need to let go to heal. I’m freeing myself of the ties that had me bound. I am standing on the solid Rock of my Lord who has blessed me unconditionally all of these years and it’s the only emotional cleanser I can use.

I have people whom I thought were my friends abandon me and I have to release them too from any obligation of caring for me. I need real friends to surround me and lift me up and not abandon me when I NEED them the most. I’m not in this alone, if you say you’re my true friend, you are with me on this journey, like it or not, God has called you to CARE!

From the link above: “Take the time NOW to do an inventory of individuals you can count on. Who can you truly rely on to be there in your darkest hour? Who may have a listening ear? Stay away from those who leave you burnt out and stressed.”

I need to release some people to feel the full crux of the healing aspect. This realization of a traumatic marriage is a good part of my cleansing taking place. I have to release guilt, shame, and blame to free myself to accept the mending of my immune system. Emotional healing is never fun but it is an exhilarating portion of the patchwork quilt that will cover me, comfort me and HEAL me for the rest of my life.

All praise and Glory to God!

Acts 10:38 “How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him.”

The Onion: Peeling Away Layers

1 John 1:5 “This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.”

The Onion: Peeling Away the Layers

An onion, peeled away, layer by layer unveils a richness of flavor and health benefits; onions are good for you. As I peel away layers of my life, portions I had long forgotten and portions I’ll never forget are resurfacing. Sometimes it takes an earth-shattering diagnosis to make you stand up, take a full inventory of what you’ve stored and what needs to be let go. 

It has only been four months (this coming Wednesday) of my diagnosis that I began peeling away every essence of my being. At first I was distraught and I wanted to surrender to a slow death but instead, God had me rise above; He had me begging for life and only a life on earth with Him would suffice.

I began by peeling away layers of myself with God beside me with a broom and dustpan. He swept away the layers that brought me to this diagnosis and together we walked the healing path. Never alone I walked away from the hindrances that society would have me enslaved to, I parted ways with the negative influences that carried me here and I rose above the toxic world to find the Light of a healing path.

Isa. 18:2 “That sendeth ambassadors by the sea, even in vessels of bulrushes upon the waters, saying, Go, ye swift messengers, to a nation scattered and peeled, to a people terrible from their beginning hitherto; a nation meted out and trodden down, whose land the rivers have spoiled!”

Did you know the 555 ft. Washington Monument construction began in 1848 and six years later had to be stopped for lack of funding? It would be twenty-five years before reconstruction began again. Jesus began his ministry and it wouldn’t be complete for a couple of years but he went out building the world with miracles, His word, and laying down the path we might want to take if we are to finish being constructed in His image.

God began our individual construction the moment our mother and father lay together and produced something of a miracle inside the womb. We are all partakers of the tastes of a miracle if we are living and breathing today. Slowly we deconstructed what God built by poisoning the very building blocks He placed in us to learn, grow and beautify His creation.

We sit here today realizing the onion we are, knowing we need to peel away the years of destruction if we are ever to taste the miracle that we were created to be. Some sit in arrogant denial and feel completed but deep down they know they are far from completion. It’s going to take years to peel away the obstructions, years to rebuild all that was lost, and it will take the rest of our lives to bring forth a message. The message that God planted in us at birth needs to be exposed, expressed, delighted in, honored and respected.

I hate to break the news to you but we were not the beautiful flower seeds we believe ourselves to be. When we see a newborn infant with his or her little pudgy wrinkled up body, we are not looking at a beautiful flower, what we see is the miracle of creation. In all honesty, newborns are funny looking, wriggling little creatures, but the beauty is the breadth of the miracle we witness. 

As the child grows construction comes to a halt as we have to watch our uncompleted work go out into the world and finish what we, God, father, mother began at conception. Either the toxic work of the world takes hold, or the solid foundation that we used as building materials is built upon. Our children too will one day see the layers that need to be peeled away before seeing a completed work of art.

Even the healthiest, fit, faith-based families will need to peel away layers. They are not plucking away beautiful perfect petals of a flower, they are peeling away layers of the onion, the pain, the heartache, the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve of their entire life. The regrets falling to the floor, the resentments being placed on the dustpan, the sin that consumed us tossed in the garbage bin. We are being perfected in Christ with every blemish on our soul. 

When oncologist #2 asked me, quite frankly, “Aren’t you afraid of dying?” A smile washed over my face as I thought of meeting the Lord and said in my most serene, humble voice, “No, not at all.” While he sat perplexed at my response, I knew right then and there where I was heading. I may have a few more layers to peel, but construction of completion is underway.

All praise and Glory to the Creator!

Matt 13: 37-40 “He answered and said unto them, He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels. As therefore the tares are gathered and burned in the fire; so shall it be in the end of this world.”

Fusion Of Confusion

Job 23:12 "Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food."

The Fusion of Confusion

I have to admit, what gets me down these days is the confusing mess of foods. For the past four months I’ve read this, that and the other thing. Eat this, don’t eat that, try this, this FEEDS cancer, leaving me in a total state of confusion and seriously just want to be left alone! 

A perfect example is this from this link.

“Your alkaline diet should be primarily based on organic leafy green vegetables, cauliflower and cabbages, broccoli, herbs and spices, root vegetables, beans, nuts and seeds, lentils and peas, onions, garlic, leek and chives, and non-gluten grains such as rice in small amounts.”

Now from ChrisBeatCancer and The Truth About Cancer says NO to nuts except almonds, and NO to beans and lentils and NO to grains! This kind of puts me in a state of confusion as I’m trying to fight this battle. I get so frustrated with so much mixed information!

This weekend was one of those weekends where everything I did seemed wrong, everything I touched seemed to break, and everyone I spoke to I feel I spat words instead of used encouraging words. I just wanted to be left alone. It was my anniversary and we already committed to going to our nephews' marriage. He is my husband’s sister’s step-son (from a previous marriage on her husband’s part) but an honorable young man none the less.

I knew being around all of those people was really going to put a strain on me, and my husband said it’s because I don’t like being around people. I think he’s wrong, I love people but here lately the enemy is filling me with doubts and judgments, anger, frustration and disgust.

It hasn’t even been four months since my diagnosis and I’m just expected to be the old me who wasn’t told she has an illness. An illness that scares the world but I’m expected to wear a brave face constantly and I’m moving along in my stride, trying my best. Sunday the fourteenth I sat in repentance and now I need to heal from my sin. Writing helps me to actually SEE the errors of my ways, and humility will bring me sharing them with you, my reader, the ones who care for me and will pray for me.

The week before, we went to a graduation where there were hundreds of people. The graduation and people didn’t bother me as much as not being able to go out and eat afterward. Then the wedding, the same thing happened, I didn’t feel strong enough to go to the reception where food, booze and people (who all appeared healthy) were going to be. 

My husband is a people watcher. I’m sure many of you can relate. You go to the beach not to drink in the health of the sea, but to basically watch people. You go to carnivals and fairs and what do you wind up doing? Watching people, it’s human nature I understand that. Here lately, I do not feel human!

I feel like one of those old beat up, run down cars sitting on someone’s property, just there to one day be worked on, but in the meantime, it is just there. I go to a graduation and I’m just there, a wedding, just there. I’m rusty and corroded while everyone else is shiny, sporting new do’s, new clothes, ten-inch heels, strutting like they have no care in the world, looking like a picture of health and then there is me, I’m just there.

My neighbor, who is a hoarder, has three cars sitting over there, they’re broken down but they look like they work. They don’t look bad at all, other than them clogging up the property. That’s what I feel like, I’m just here clogging up the family, having them worried and concerned if what I am doing is not insane when there are drugs out there to help me. 

I allow myself some down time and then I repent because I KNOW I am stronger than this. I KNOW I can beat this and I am the most optimistic person in my corner. Pastor Bill said something that struck me, he said, “When you’re sick sure, go to the doctors but know who the ultimate physician is.” And he gave a scripture James 5:13-15. (look at that number that is the date that I got married.) 

James 5:13-15  "Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him."

So as the enemy works on filling me with doubts and having me second guessing myself, I’m trying to be the fixer-upper that I know resides in me. All of the negativity and hate that people spew is not helping the matter so I need to stay away for awhile so I can build the strength I need to get through this. 

Yes, in time I will have more strength. What I eat and what unhealthy living habits others eat and drink won’t bother me, but right now that is causing me to want to spew hateful comments and that is NOT WHO I AM!! I’ll continue to pray for you.

I just received a message from my mother that her brother has been placed in hospice and will be passing soon. His ex-wife just died in April and their son passed in December. Prayers are definitely needed as my God saves me while taking others. 

I have left my email address on my facebook account in case you don’t see me or hear from me, THAT is how to contact me. I will be deleting my other account soon so THAT is not an option of contact. 

I am grateful for those who have continued their support of me and I pray for those who don’t. I am not weak, I am STRONG and glad to be alive and find life so worth living, I am taking care of myself to see that I continue. 

God be with you all! 

2 Tim 1:7  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

I Follow HIM

Pss. 9:1 “I will praise thee, O LORD, with my whole heart; I will shew forth all thy marvellous works.”

I Follow Him

First and foremost, I follow the Lord and I always listen even if it’s something I don’t want to do. I sometimes feel like I come off as a flighty dumb blond walking into a flaming fire because I stand with Christ and Christ alone. 

I remember the story of Peter when Jesus asked him to walk on water, did you know he did step out onto the water, at first, but doubt and fear won out and he sunk? Jesus asked Him, “Are ye of little faith?” Some people say they have faith but if Jesus Himself came and said walk on the water with me, I can bet MANY would sink!

Matt 14: 25-31 NIV- “Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

I’d like to think my faith is so strong that I WOULD walk on water for Him. He’s asked me to trust Him with my cancer and all of the HEALING treatment that He Himself has chosen for me. I say, God, lead me on still waters. Wouldn’t you know it, the waters stirred, I DID NOT FEAR! I AM NOT and WILL NOT DOUBT Him. When people pile up against me, I stand my ground firmly with the Lord. Laugh, scoff, Jesus knows exactly what it was like to be condemned by the very people who claimed to follow Him. 

I have suffered and struggled all of my life. God entered into my pain and washed away the scars and allowed me to walk to Him, with Him and for Him! Anything I struggled with he carried for me and gave me the strength of an army, one small woman, felt like an army of angels had encompassed her on a daily basis just to get through a day, a month, a year.

God is not glorified in your pain and suffering, He is glorified in your healing and yes He’s used my pain, my suffering, my scar tissue to be seen as His Light shining through. If I show doubt in His ability to carry this disease, I will sink in the very water I KNOW I can tread.

Toxins. I was raised in a toxic family, shaped by toxic chemicals whether it was LSD, PCP or any other drug of choice at the time; also the environmental toxins that I breathed in daily. I suffered alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual abuse. I lied, cheated, stolen and all of my pain and shame is laid bare for the world to see. I have NOTHING to hide behind because it is for YOU to see how Glorious our God is in His grace and forgiveness! I did not have the advantage of growing up in a rose-colored-glasses kind of world.

We live in a toxic world. Man turns to a doctor because he trusts him and has faith in Him and when someone stands against that very person they put their faith in for drugs, and medication, they don’t see the drugs and medication as toxins, they see my walk without the pacifier I call the medical toxic community as my guide, a toxic decision. So are vitamins, herbs and minerals toxic to my body? I’ll take my chances on that one. 

I think some people think I’m making this decision of no chemo. on my own in my naïve stupid young girl fashion. Seriously? If that is what you think of me, then you are not my friend. If you read my blog to pick out grammatical errors, you are missing an entire portion of me, back away from me, please! I follow HIM and Him alone in my quest for healing.

I watched as my grandmother had a stroke, then came out of the hospital and changed nothing and lived on meds the rest of her days. I watched as my aunts and uncles battled cancer, changed not one bit of their unhealthy lifestyle, I watched as my dad after heart surgery and a good three months of recovery returned to his old ways and eventually died. I've lived as two of my children have died!

You see, I’m coming into this diagnosis with my eyes wide open! I’ve seen, I've watched, I’ve lived, and most of all I LEARNED! I come into this cell attacker with three things none of my family members EVER had. 1) Knowledge 2) Wisdom 3) An undying unwavering FAITH!

The very first thing I did with this diagnosis? DRASTICALLY changed my unhealthy eating habits! I cut out sugar and carbs, meat and dairy, which left me with nothing but fruits and vegetables. I researched, researched and researched chemo, vitamins, herbs, cures, toxins, success stories. I’ve already been a witness to too many unsuccessful stories of illnesses from heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and a host of other illnesses. The one thing they ALL had in common was medications and an unhealthy lifestyle. 

Many people are unwilling to make a drastic change in unhealthy living. They’d much rather depend on a doctor to pacify them with drugs and a false sense that they are gods and are going to make them well. Did you ever notice, doctors are not in the business to make you well? Once you’re on medication you will NEED them for the rest of your days. You will never be healed because you then become an addict, addicted to meds. 

Did you know that God placed natural herbs here for us? Did you know God built our bodies to heal and regenerate? After we’ve totally destroyed our immune system, we need to try HARDER to restore what was lost and not trust doctors to destroy MORE for us. I’m trusting God on this one. Right or wrong, my God is the carrier of ANY burden, sickness, or pain I bring to Him. He is the Almighty Healer, Doctor and cure-all! If it bothers you that I think this way, please, feel free to reexamine your absolute faith and trust in Jesus Christ. The world desperately needs to see Jesus alive and Christians are the only ones to bring him to the world for all to see. He didn’t come to be glorified in our illness, He came to be glorified in our HEALING! THAT, my friends, is the ROCK *I* stand on!

All praise and glory be to GOD! Alleluia AMEN! Godspeed…

James 1:26 “If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.”

This is me and how I feel and LIVE!


The more I seek you
The more I find you
The more I find you
The more I love you

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, its more than I can stand
I melt in your peace, its overwhelming

*it's a link to the song

Quotation Saturday

Eph. 4:18 “Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart:”

NEGATIVE

“Save your skin from the corrosive acids from the mouths of toxic people. Someone who just helped you to speak evil about another person can later help another person to speak evil about you.” 
― Israelmore Ayivor

“Bloodshed begets bloodshed. Hatred begits hatred.” 
― Hiromu Arakawa

“Thoughts are like an open ocean, they can either move you forward within its waves, or sink you under deep into its abyss.”
― Anthony Liccione

“Beware of those who are bitter, for they will never allow you to enjoy your fruit.” 
― Suzy Kassem

POSITIVE

“When you are joyful, when you say yes to life and have fun and project positivity all around you, you become a sun in the center of every constellation, and people want to be near you.” 
― Shannon L. Alder

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.” 
― Ashley Smith

“Do not dilute the truth of your potential. We often convince ourselves that we cannot change, that we cannot overcome the circumstances of our lives. That is simply not true. You have been blessed with immeasurable power to make positive changes in your life. But you can't just wish it, you can't just hope it, you can't just want it... you have to LIVE it, BE it, DO it.” 
― Steve Maraboli,

“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity.” 
― Roy Bennett

IGNORANCE

“Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.” 
― Eoin Colfer

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

“The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.” 
― Daniel J. Boorstin

“You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.” 
― Harlan Ellison

TOLERANCE

“Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the wrong. Sometime in life you will have been all of these.” 
― Lloyd Shearer

“It's an universal law-- intolerance is the first sign of an inadequate education. An ill-educated person behaves with arrogant impatience, whereas truly profound education breeds humility.” 
― Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

“Laws alone can not secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population.” 
― Albert Einstein

“Don't be in a hurry to condemn because he doesn't do what you do or think as you think or as fast. There was a time when you didn't know what you know today.” 
― Malcolm X