Interesting...

Once in a lifetime!

It Was Interesting...the visit

We had been invited to our sister-in-laws birthday party. This would be another event of this loving family to get together. With food, love, and laughter the day would celebrate her 50th birthday. The differences with his family as opposed to my family back home in Maryland are polar opposites. My family hated get-togethers and whenever we did have one there was always alcohol, in hindsight, I guess to take off the edge of having to be together.

My new family is all about love! God is in this family so there is no alcohol at get-togethers just food, laughter and hugs and love! What a contrast for me. Since my diagnosis in January left me with slim pickins’ at these events, I chose to just avoid them all together. I did attend a graduation this year but skipped the food afterward and opted for going home. A wedding had me missing the reception because of food. A funeral had me attending the wake but all I ate was string beans.

This year we had already missed the Easter gathering, we missed his sister’s July cookout, too. When this invitation arrived I once again was hesitant in going because I know his brother always has some good food! And the man uses spices! The rest of the family has great food mind you, but to my tastes, coming from back east, I miss the bite it takes to make a meal taste good.

I really don’t want my husband to begin resenting me for this disease. Not that he would but in MY mind, he will. So I overcame my hesitation and told him I’d like to go. He was surprised and excited at the same time because for sure he thought we’d skip this family time, too. 

Hubby had told me his mom would be bringing fruit, non-organic but fruit nonetheless. So at least I knew I’d nibble something. If it’s one thing I realize with this disease and the food available is that it is not always going to be organic. So while I eat non-organic fruits and vegetables, I limit the intake, I scrub and clean them when they’re mine, or I bypass them altogether, but I will allow a nibble or two to fill my mouth. I DO NOT allow toxic meat in my body! No Way! That could ruin everything I’m trying to accomplish here.

We arrived at the house and it was filled with that familiar sights, sound, and smell. The family (mainly hers) gathered together in laughter and the aroma of, what else in the mid-west, pork! Their idea of bar-b-que is b-b-qued pulled pork. I didn’t like pork before this illness so it really has no sway over me. Now the aroma, that’s another thing, I did love bar-b-que so the aroma had my mouth watering as soon as the smell hit my nose!

My sis-in-law said she didn’t even know that they were having a party. Her mom arrived and her hubby made a huge pot of iced tea (sugarless, blah) and she thought hmm…that’s odd, why such a big pot of tea. Then her brothers and sister and nieces came bearing food and she finally was clued into what they were up to. No one likes surprises so this was the easiest way to surprise her without saying SURPRISE!

Everyone started digging into the scrumptious meal. Spoons were clanging, ice was being dropped into cups and the festivities were underway. All the talk was about the impending Eclipse and the parties all around town and the state for that matter. Rumor has it that Harrison Ford is in Alliance, Ne. to view the eclipse and hotels are booked beyond means, more than when we have the Crane passing through. Apparently, Nebraska is the bullseye of the passing of the eclipse.

More on that later, right now this post is about food! I sat and watched as people filled their faces, gobble after gobble of unhealthy fattening foods, pork, pasta, cake, deviled eggs, more pasta, pickle wraps and there sat two fruit salads going untouched, and there sat little skinny me.  I rose to my feet, got me a plate and filled it with fruit! Strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, kiwi, pineapple, cantaloupe and more, I was in fruit heaven, for sure!

After everyone was just about done, I saw two of the big guys get up and dig into the fruit. A small plate considering the hefty plates they had just finished. The conversation between his, brother, sister, mother and I was about food. They were like, “Why can’t we just eat what we want?” Not directed at me, directed at weight gain in general. I said, “You CAN eat what you want, we all do.” The reply… “Yeah but without the weight gain.” I said, “Oh. I get it, you want to win a million dollars without buying a ticket?” chucklechucklechuckle, agreement all around.

That’s not how it goes people. EAT all you want but know, you HAVE to PAY for whatever you put in your mouth!  

Gotta run… Eclipse time! God bless us all!

Luke 21:25-28 And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken.And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh.

The Echo of Change

Echo, echo, echo…

Life is an echo

What you send out, comes back.

What you sow, you reap

What you give, you get

What you see in others exists in you

Remember, life is an echo

It always gets back to you

So give goodness!

~ Zig Ziglar

This is the year of change. I don’t say this because it is January 1st, I say it because it is an actual fact that has been burning inside me for a few months now. So many people wait for the New Year to make resolutions, only not keep them and then feel the disappointment fester when they fail. I’m not making a resolution here; I feel a life change coming around the corner.

As I climbed into bed last night around ten, I thought of New Years that have passed away like the fallen confetti, gone but not forgotten. I would stand squished between friends and family around Baltimore’s Inner Harbor waiting for the 12 o’clock firework show with a beer in my hand and smoking weed (because with 250,000 people no one could tell where the smell was coming from).

Then as I grew older my light show was sitting in my warm home at the window (no alcohol or drugs), with my niece who loved to come to my house on New Year’s Eve to spend the night and stay awake to watch the fireworks. I lived so close to the Inner Harbor that you could hear the revelers whooping and hollering. Cars would blare horns, kids would clang pots and pans and I just sat still with a smile watching the splendid light show.

As I made my way to Texas in later years, New Years Eve took on a different shape and form. I never anticipated fireworks and often I was in bed before the 12 o’clock ball drop. Not much for New Years rockin’ eve, I had grown and matured. Life became more subdued, no longer did the bottle hold me prisoner. I no longer felt compelled to mark my New Year with booze.  

Now as I mature further as an old fuddy duddy, I don’t understand why people, some who never drink, decide that on New Year’s Eve to take some wine or champagne and drink to the New Year. I think conformist follow what other people do in carrying on traditions. Since I’m not a conformist I see no point in celebratory events to mark the flipping of a calendar page.

I had to do some research and see why; why on earth do we ring in a New Year. Just as I suspected, it is a celebration handed down through other gods. It is solely based on superstition and the human race needing to be a part of ‘the world’ follows along.

I wonder if I’m alone in not wanting to be a part of the ritualistic and occult practices? I wonder if anyone sees nonsense in the eating of beans for good luck, having a drink at midnight to bring on a prosperous new year and other ritualistic traditions handed down by the Babylonians.

My dad used to eat pickled herring on New Years Eve; I used to think clinking a bottle would give me a promise of a good year. They were false illusions that I’ve come to realize over the years. Will my year be hellish if I don’t participate? Will the gods curse my year of growth and change? Are we to follow omens and the occult?

Is it just me who wants to turn the New Year into a flipping of a page as my consuming practice on January first? I knew I was weird but I think I’ve gone and taken it to new heights in my transcending timeline called life. I’m different and I’m okay with that.

Like I said yesterday, my life has been and always will be more spiritual than following rituals and traditions of the past. I like to start my own traditions being as different as they are.

Deut. 18: 9-14 “When thou art come into the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not learn to do after the abominations of those nations.

There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch,

Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer.

For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD: and because of these abominations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee.

Thou shalt be perfect with the LORD thy God.

For these nations, which thou shalt possess, hearkened unto observers of times, and unto diviners: but as for thee, the LORD thy God hath not suffered thee so to do.”

I know many people will put their spin on scripture, picking pieces out to call truth and bend that truth to fit nicely and neatly into their life so they feel justified in doing what they’re doing. I do the same thing. Yes, I’m a sinner and yes I do wrong, but this is going to be the year of change in me as I prepare my soul for my eternity. My previous years have been based on growth. This year I learn from that growth and change. The echo I release to the world will be one of hope and love. I will not be a part of the negativity that so many cling to on a daily basis as their compass in life.

This is not a resolution per se, this is growth and with growth, just like the seedling, comes change. My echo will be heard. 

Have a blessed year growing with God!

Stressed ~

Pss. 126: 6 He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

I’m Stressed

What? Happy-go-lucky, Joni? The lady that's always thinking positive and lifting people up? Stressed? Really?

Yes, Joni, stressed, one and the same. I am human after all as much as many of you think I’m not. I hurt, I cry, I sin and I get stressed. The only difference in me is, I take it all to God and allow Him to carry my burden, then I pray, pray fervently for an answer, any answer, even if is not the answer I had thought of, I fervently pray.

When I announce to my virtual friends that I’m stressed, I don’t expect them all to come running and offer me comfort but I do expect a little compassion. Sure in my weakened state they will offer me scripture, God this and God that. Yes I know, that is why I fervently pray. I would just like one, any one to say, “What’s wrong?”

When I’m stressed, it isn’t the time to taunt and tease me because I seriously react differently than when I’m not stressed. Sure, I can take a taunt and tease as well as anybody but sometimes I just need to vent and THANK GOD I have my writing for that, because in my flow of words, writing is the only thing that helps me since no other so-called humans even understand. That is why I turn to the Holy Spirit and my spiritual gifts.

It hit me Saturday, when Steven’s mom asked, “So do you have any plans for graduation?” Me? Plans? I hate plans! Like rules, they were made to be broken, right?

“Um, no.” I replied. 

Then for the entire ride, thoughts came in like a wave crashing on the shore. The wave being the thoughts and the crashing being them hitting me like a ton of bricks the wave carried in.

Graduation. I never really thought the day would come since I home-schooled Adam for eight years of his school life but now he’s a senior nearing graduation and thoughts are swirling like a twister in the southern heat!

Okay, a little compassion here. I think I’m feeling a little of what is called ‘empty-nest syndrome’ or something closely related to that. No he hasn’t left the nest, but he plans to. He has also made HIS OWN decision in not entering college. While I hear the scoffers of his decision, I myself think it is a wise decision and am standing behind him, well, since I’m the only one he has.

I notice so many parents and schools put pressure on kids to attend college to ‘better your education’, to ‘get a good job in your future’, to ‘make lots of money, down the line.’ Yes it is a lot of pressure on a kid who just wants to end a harrowing school experience and be done with it all.

Why I think it is a wise decision? Who is going to PAY for college? Will he be indebted for 50 years for a college he was pressured into attending only to drop out and decide to do something else? The boy is thinking of getting a job, saving money, and deciding ON HIS OWN if college is for him. From an adult standpoint he’ll know what HE can and cannot afford. He IS his own person after all!

Now back to the graduation woes. Adam has no family. The only family he has known for eleven years has been Steven’s most awesome family. My family has no cares for him, he has no father, he has no aunts and uncles in my family to even congratulate him or say, “Way to go, kid!” They might when the time comes but I highly doubt it. They’ve had nothing to do with him all these years, why say anything now? On my side of the family all that Adam has had has been my mother and father, but they are too old to travel with all of their health issues, so no, no family for Adam.

Now, Steven’s mom offered us her house for a ‘get together’, for anybody that DOES show. Then she mentioned invitations, pictures and so many things that go into a senior graduation, my mind went into a tailspin and here I am venting into the unknown. Thanks MOM! Haha, I chuckled. She is one of the kindest, sweetest women I know!

In the four years that we’ve been here in Nebraska, we’ve attended 4 graduations for his nieces and nephews. They had the whole pic thing, the invitations and kinda nice parties if I do say so myself. Surrounded by family and friends, food and a good time. Again, Adam only has Steven’s family and if no one shows up, he’ll be alone on one of the biggest days of his life. Okay, okay, I KNOW mom, Bobbi and Mike will show, they’re rocks that way and they love Adam!

And to top off the stress, it falls on a Saturday. Steven works on Saturday’s. Will he take off? Well, he BETTER if he knows what’s good for him. Haha That being ME! I think he is all too eager to see the nest empty but does he really know what that means? HE will have to do all Adam’s chores! Taking the trash out, cans out, drying dishes and putting them away, vacuuming, mowing, etc. etc.  I hope the day turns out important to him since he has been the only man figure IN Adam’s life!

Graduation – coming to a May near you.  *Deep sigh*  …. To be continued…

Mark 11: 23 For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.

FOCUS

One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it. ~Sidney Howard
***

I’ve set in motion a plan that I have for my life but somewhere along the line I got sidetracked by all the cute rides at the carnival. The roller coasters, the Carousel, the games and stuffed animals, what happened? This isn’t the picture I had in mind for myself.

I had a picture of a professional writer. One who becomes published with a real hard cover book sitting on the shelves at Barnes and Noble and maybe a few articles submitted, and Short Stories published, and most definitely a few books of poetry out there. All sidetracked by play time?

Not any more. A rude awakening! I’ve been God Slapped! I’m tired of being discouraged to the point of depression. I’m tired of putting my goals and dreams aside for a few moments of howdy do’s, a few games of yo/farm/hippie ville and a wave and a few hugs. Is this all worth it, for real? Is my sanity worth it?

I don’t think so. I have an email, I have a blog, if people really cared to see me or wave to me or give me a word of encouragement, I am a part of an online writing site, you can all wave and flutter by there can’t you? Or here?

I am normally a fun-loving free-spirited person but here lately things of the smallest caliber have crawled under my skin and turned to worms in my stomach making me want to vomit, and it can all be very discouraging.

When I see people make fun of God, and spew vulgarity, while others wink wink and say “Oh you’re going to hell.” Am I supposed to just sit like a carved statue on the side and listen but not react? Well, I  have chosen to focus on me and my writing. Through my writing I may rant and rave and get a whole lot of ugliness off of my chest that I’ve carried around a lifetime.

Let them laugh, mock, pretend; let them wallow in hypocrisy and drown in their own sorrows because me, I’m focusing on me as I change and grow to be the woman that God himself carved me out to be. I just hope that some people know that the way to encourage someone is to support them. That simple.

As my family, who is all back East and I in the Midwest, survived an Earthquake that by Maryland/DC/Va standards was big. As I watch people laugh and mock, natural disasters, I will celebrate the tenth Anniversary of September 11 attack with a candle and some prayer. Not on facebook, where it will be turned into a hatefest, racial slurs, religious taunts and all the ugly you can imagine. It is time for me, to become me, and time for you, to become you. What an enlightening week.

Now is the time to focus not just inward...but upward. As I grow and change, as the world shifts...will I stand alone? Only time will tell.