My Inner Strength

2 Sam. 22:33 “God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.”

My Inner Strength

I remember as a child my sister would always tell my mother, “Let Joni do it, she’s the strong one.” Even now, with this diagnosis, my sister told her daughter, “Joni will beat this, she’s the strong one.” This is the reason I’ve yet to tell my mother anything about this, she’s not the strong one. 

I always felt like my older sister looked up to me because she sees me as the strong one. She always turned to me whenever she had any problems whether physically, emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically. I’m the baby and my family always looked up to ME because I was deemed the strong one, the one looked to in a time of need, the one once depended upon.

That’s a lot of weight for the baby of a family of eight, including my mother and father. I was the one full of courage; the thread that kept the blanket together and when I left the family unraveled one string at a time. They more than likely wouldn’t admit to the downfall of the family to my leaving them but honestly, if they look closely they’d see the total demise coincide with my leaving home.

Job 4:4 “Thy words have upholden him that was falling, and thou hast strengthened the feeble knees.”

I wonder now if I wasn’t led away from home and my family to build up that inner vitality because God knew I would need all my strength for right now, this place and at this time! When God told me to leave all of my possessions behind I did, going to Texas with the clothes on my back and some toys and clothes for my son. 

Looking back now I see God’s handiwork as He molded and shaped each instance to bring about an inner tenacity that I would need for this exact time in my life. He was building a solid palace and what I left behind was a shell of a straw hut. My family had drained me and I needed this stability to carry me through all that I’m enduring now.

Pss. 40:2 “He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.”

When I was diagnosed I could have crumbled, fell to my knees and allowed the doctors to carry me away in handcuffs and lead me to my death. Instead, I found this amazing inner muscle to stand firm, rise and announce that I was going to heal with the Lord’s handiwork. Was I crazy? What was I thinking? Where on earth did I find the willpower to fight what I deem the strong arm of the law, the doctors? 

Let me tell you, when I was a child I had to fight off sexual predators on a daily basis. I had to fight with superhuman brawniness and stand up to my parents for my faith when they were of a completely opposite religion. When I lost my first child many wanted me to fall; when the Lord and I overcame drug addiction and alcoholism they wanted me to buckle. Depression? Fought and won! I was supposed to do everything the way they were normally done with doctors, medication and follow along in life on a leash like a nice little puppy.

2 Sam. 22:40 “For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me.”

Instead, I busted through the ashes, I stood with the Rock of my Salvation after fifty years of struggling against what the world wanted me to be, normal. I was in no way normal and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to make such a statement. Nothing about God or Jesus is normal; nothing about the Omniscient Lord is normal, and I’m honored to not be normal with Him!

So when people look at me and ask where I find the ironclad strength to go on, I tell them, God. Where and how do I stand against what is ‘expected’ of me, God. God has NEVER put a leash around my neck to lead me astray. He’s never fed me lies so that I looked good to the people. He has made me abnormal for all the world to look at, laugh and scoff, and tempt me with lies and feed me the poisons of a system gone wrong.

You might ask why would a loving God do that to a person? So you can SEE Him, all his Healing Power, all His Glory, and all of His Saving grace. He didn’t whip me into submission; I followed Him willingly on my own because I found an inner strength and serene peace there, in His arms. I could have bailed at any time for an easier life but I chose the hard road because the hard road was going to make me STRONG and THIS is where I find my Inner Strength! 
All praise and Glory to God! 

1 Chron. 29:12 “Both riches and honour come of thee, and thou reignest over all; and in thine hand is power and might; and in thine hand it is to make great, and to give strength unto all.”