Tuesday, March 28, 2017

I Do Have Bad Days

Prov.1:21-23 "She crieth in the chief place of concourse, in the openings of the gates: in the city she uttereth her words, saying,
How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge? Turn you at my reproof: behold, I will pour out my spirit unto you, I will make known my words unto you."

Few and far between, I do have bad days...

As much as I carry ninety-nine percent of my days in positivity, there is always the chance of that little tease of negativity to slither in even without me knowing it was headed my way. 

It’s as if I’ve placed power blockades [GOD] up to protect me but as thin as a sheet of paper, the negative aspect of something simple can slide right under my door without notice.

While I had a great birthday, friends from all over the world wished me a happy birthday and one friend even sent me much-needed supplements to my front door! My son bought me a beautiful ceramic cross with the words, 'Walk by faith, not by sight' on it, my sister called me, and my husband bought me an essential oil diffuser (with six essential oils)! What a blessed day all around and it ended with a house trembling lightning storm, my gift from God Himself!

I’m feeling great with my daily walks, whether cold or not, my two fifteen-minute walks, are now leading into two twenty-five-minute walks. I just feel THAT good. I always share the positive and the good but need to let you all be aware that I do have my bad days. I’m not out here blowing rainbow bubbles oblivious to the negative elements that want to attack me.

The negative knocked on my door on Friday when my phone rang. I didn’t get to it on time but no message was left so I had to resort to my friend, google. All I know is my gut churned, my heart palpitated and quickened and I had my suspicions who it was and a google search confirmed that it was onc.2’s office. Why does just a phone ringing illicit FEAR?

Coincidentally (I DO NOT believe in coincidences!) my son came up the stairs and told me he received a spam phone call from a job search site he’s been accessing. Instinctively, I asked for the number and my suspicion was yet again confirmed, my onc.#2’s office had called him, no message!

I’ve been watching The Truth About Cancer’s ten-module online series, and one of the things they said in module #5 was that oncologists are no different than terrorists. The definition of terrorism is: 1.the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
2. the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
3. a terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government. 
Could they be right in their assumption? Are oncologist using FEAR tactics to get patients to submit? I BELIEVE SO! 

Why had my oncologist called my son? My HUSBAND didn’t receive a call, my twenty-one-year-old son did! How did they get his number? I stupidly signed a piece of paper allowing my son, via his phone number, access to MY hospital records in case he should need them because remember, the oncologists basically handed me a death sentence. 

They ABUSED my RIGHTS! And yes, I’m documenting this because my gut is now telling me that they are NOT just ‘doing their job’, they are HARASSING ME WITH FEAR TACTICS!!!! I have to turn to my friends because they are the ones empowering me, along with God to go full steam ahead in my holistic healing. I will NOT be swayed and suckered into the oncologists’ web of terror!

Saturday came and I woke empowered once again, feeling great, Sunday came and I was feeling great so much so I went food shopping with my husband. I truly think it will be my last visit. Tears welled in my eyes as I could find nothing edible that wasn’t laced with toxins. I was relinquished to the small corner of organic vegetables, which by the way, are right next to the bakery laden with toxic sugar poisoning.

Home, I just wanted to be home. I knew my mother-in-law would be out to see me to hand deliver my birthday present so I had to perk up (no, I didn’t make coffee). I got home from the food store, had a good cry, and sat down to write, my healing place. 

I wanted to show his mother how well I was walking after seeing me for years unable to walk, zero meds, and mostly in pain, the majority of my days. It always felt like she looked at me with pity. I was the strength in her son's time of blindness and now here I was limping and suffering in back pain. Pity, pity, pity, poor Joni. I thought I would be a living testimony to hers and many others answered prayers as I am now walking! Joni is walking. Joni is doing good! 

‘Mom’ brought me a carved angel, yes people still see an angel in me, and she brought a fruit tray. Laden with raspberries, strawberries, pineapple, kiwi, red/green grapes overflowing in goodness. I didn’t ask if it was organic and at that point, I didn’t care, it looked DELICIOUS! Actually, it was, after she left I ate the entire tray for dinner. Ha ha ha!!!

She watched me walk up and down the stairs and her jaw just hung wide open in amazement. Score one for Joni! The visit didn’t go all bad, I tried talking about my healing but she informed me of her friends who were CURED by chemotherapy. I explained that it only appeared that way and I felt the small fog of fear creeping in with this slender built woman whom I love. Chemo is NOT A CURE, I stated, it is toxic poison. The makers of the chemo juice wear hazmat suits for crying out loud. 

I explained that if I had gone the chemo route, that the picture of me that she is witnessing would’ve been totally different. I’d be in bed, curled in a fetal position and vomiting, more than likely bald by the in her eyes ‘nontoxic’ treatments. But still, she seemed adamant that people have been CURED by chemo and are now alive twenty years later BECAUSE of chemo. To me, it’s amazing the illusion we paint for ourselves.

I tried to let the entire conversation go, but it was haunting. Haunting in the fact that what she said inadvertently hurt, more than I even knew. She said something like, “Sometimes God doesn’t give the answers we want to hear.” So there it is, my faith, my hearing and listening to GOD is being compared to how EVERYONE else hears and listens to God. What I psychologically heard her say was, ‘you heard wrong and God really wants you to do chemo. You’re choosing not to listen.’ Doubt slithered in with the remnants of fear left over by the oncologist Friday, imagine that!

Hmm, the God that pulled me from so many trials and tribulations, he literally pulled me back from the brink of death and is now leading me down a misguided path and is filling me with doubts, fear, and lies? Friends, you know me better than that, right? Even if she is a Godly woman, they too can use satans tongue to spew the doubt that we fight against. 

I let it slide, I went on with my day, took a twenty-five-minute walk empowered by the LIFE in me, grateful to be ALIVE by God’s fruits and vegetables that ARE HEALING ME, not making me sick! Which just an FYI, she informed me fruits and veggies made her literally sick. Her stomach could not handle them.

I went to bed feeling good but at two thirty I awoke unable to shake the negative undertones leftover from the entire weekend starting with the mock terroristic betrayal of the medical profession on Friday. Like a ghost rising from the dead, the haunting detail lingered. Unable to go back to sleep at four a.m. I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen to make me some coffee! 

I’m writing (documenting) this on March 27th, 2017 I started at four thirty and am just finishing this post at eight a.m., readying myself for yet another post. I’ll use writing to heal the detrimental doubt that I was spoon-fed over the weekend. I will rise from this funk with the love and support of my friends and family that care about lifting me up, not tearing me down. 

I forgot to mention, my MIL left me two Guideposts magazines, (she always saves me her old ones) but these two were left in the trash this morning as one story was talking about feeding eighteen families with turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes etc. etc. for Thanksgiving, (I mentioned the image yesterday and she apologetically replied, “I should have looked at the two before giving them) and another front page story of a woman’s battle with cancer and her success with chemotherapy (only two years out, mind you) I suspect my MIL did KNOW what she was giving me! I laughed and I cried as I skimmed only a few words and tossed the magazines along with doubts and fear in the garbage, where IT BELONGS!

And I’m rising above the doubt and fear with the wings of an eagle and I am getting back to soaring to my healing place that I know God wants me to be!

Isa. 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

Hope and Faith


Heather said...

I realize that often I am like Peter (I love the illustrations his life and reactions give us). Jesus holds out his hand to me and says, "walk to me on the water." I'm good as long as I don't turn my focus to the turbulent waves around me. But just like Peter, when I get distracted he is ALWAYS there to grab my hand and lift me from the water. He is ALWAYS there.

joni said...

That's why if you look, I was doing good, I was waterskiing with no skis, no problem until the middle of the night when I wasn't even awake. Yesterday was a bad day but hey, I rebounded. :)

I had a great eight hours of sleep last night, I woke rejuvenated and empowered! All because of His hand holding mine.

What an amazing God!


Jacki said...

Love you girl. You are inspiring. I had to deal with negativity yesterday too. Ugh. God is still faithful and I cling to Him.

joni said...

I sometimes feel negativity when there isn't even any, I just do that sometimes.RARELY but it happens. But God slaps me upside the head and says, "I got this, woman!" ;) That's enough to straighten you up!

Love ya, Jacki!

benning said...

God is with you, even in the wee hours. Call on Him to banish the fear. Then close your eyes and sleep. <3 :D

joni said...

That is ALWAYS my first defense. It didn't work this night. :(

Last night [Tues] I slept nine hours! I'm making up for any lost sleep. :D Mon. night I slept eight hours straight!

I think sometimes He allows us to see the 'bad' so our rejoicing in the GOOD is all the more jubilant. :)