Dust to Dust

Luke 11:36 “If thy whole body therefore be full of light, having no part dark, the whole shall be full of light, as when the bright shining of a candle doth give thee light.

Dust to Dust

People are who they are, 

and kill what they must,

they’ll continue where they will 

and dust what they dust.

I am who I am

I shant live to die

They tell me I can’t 

I don’t accept their lie. 

Society lay claim

All glitter is gold

The shine is now frittered

The soul has been sold

Tune into the Father 

For all pain to be lost

An umbrella in the rain

The Word now embossed.

Cleansed be the body

From sin do we cry

A Light stuffed bin

Our peace when we die.

From now on 

I’ll kill what I must

As my Savior reigns still

My ashes become dust.

I Need You To Know

Prov. 19: 20-21 (NLT) “Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the LORD’s purpose will prevail.” 

This week I was emotionally hit by someone who told me what I need to do with my body. It was a supposed dear friend who knows what I am enduring with this diagnosis of a lifetime. He went on to tell me that God wants me to take care of my body and I'm being selfish not thinking of my loved ones by not going the slice, dice, and radiate route. I told him that the chemo route could only give me five years and he said it was better than five months. He feels the route I'm taking is limiting me to five months time?

I don't know personally how this person listens to God, but I know how I do and how God listens and hears me! Throughout this slightly traumatic event that this supposed friend put me through, God has reached out through scripture, placing what I need to see and hear in front of my eyes, in my email, or just by chance. I don't believe in coincidence so I know it is God who is giving me messages and not the enemy of attack! God had my dear friends come out in full force of support for me and I know each of them to be Godly Christians, not the twice-a-year Christian. So who will I listen to? Dear friends who God sends or a supposed friend who a month ago told me to go climb back under my rock because I'm not wrapped up in this materialistic world as the rest of the people? I think you know the answer to that.

Friends, let me tell you. I did not make this decision blindly or loosely. I'm not one of those people whose child is dying and I don't take him to the hospital because God is the almighty healer and will fix it all! No, I prayed first and foremost at the beginning (and I still do, just so you know.) God sent me on this path! He heard my prayer and understood so He agreed to be here for me no matter how bumpy and craggy the road got. No matter how many people jumped out in front of me to try and instill fear in me, God would handle them and me! I have not wavered in faith one time on this journey. People have but I have not and I will not apologize for my strength.

The person hit me below the belt. I'm still weak when it comes to opposition, and this opened a door of doubt and fear I wasn't ready for. But God swooped in via scripture and supportive friends to relieve any doubt and fear and has me once again embracing this journey. The person went on to tell me that if what I'm doing is not working I need to get to a doctor immediately. For one, how does he know if what I'm doing is or is not working and second of all, who is he to tell me what to do with MY body? Boy, that really got me unnecessarily riled up! When I need peace the most, I was hit with worry and stress. Interesting, isn't that usually what the enemy uses to attack with? 

Can I paint a scenario of what would happen if I chose the conventional route at ANY time during this illness? Chemo can 'maybe' give me five-to-ten years of life. After cutting me open, radiation, and scientifically known toxic drugs. Oops, they missed some of the yuks, cut me open again exposing the C-cells to air. Oops its spread, cut me open again to remove ovaries, oops it spread again, cut me open some more, remove my lung, my lymph nodes gone, my immune system shot. No fight left in my genetics or my spirit. The next ten years would be putting myself and my family through a chopping block of pain, literally! In and out of the hospital month after month with new trauma after new trauma only to watch me wither, crumble and die in hospice hooked to machines. In the five years of chopping me up, my 105 lb. weight dwindles to 60lbs. How is THAT selfish of me? I want to spare my husband and son that pain AND suffering!

That is exactly what happened to MANY members of my immediate family. They were not distant aunts and uncles. One was my grandmother, my dads' mother. One was my dad's sister and one was my mother's aunt. On both sides of my genetics, this scenario played out year after year with family members that I also didn't even know. I CHOSE not to be a victim of slice and dice. I found too numerous to count testimonies of people who SUCCESSFULLY went a different route! Why would I NOT try this? My family before me chose THEIR route, even though there was no internet of alternative routes available to them. They actually trusted their doctor and the numerous toxic drugs they put in their body. They all died!

Friends, it is inevitable that I am going to die. So are you. Granted we would all rather die later than sooner. We would all love to spare our loved ones the pain of losing us but when in history did that become our choice in when we die? NO ONE has chosen when they die except via suicide. I'm choosing to live as long as I possibly can, maintaining my health on a daily basis and that is more than I can say for a lot of folks who could care less about their health. But I'm the selfish bad guy for wanting to LIVE? Something is seriously wrong with that mentality. 

I can't guarantee that this route will be a success. A doctor can't guarantee chemo either. There are no guarantees in life! I don't want to leave my husband and son but THAT is not my choice! I just want to hold fast to my unwavering faith and show people that God reigns supreme in this world. The world is full of choices in life, many a matter of life and death, you live or you die. I choose God over man; life over death. You make your choices, I make mine unselfishly always putting God first! I may be wrong, I may be right but I know in my soul that eternal life is awaiting me. All praise and glory to God!

Pss. 27:3  "Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident."

*note: both scriptures in today's post were sent to me

by happenstance. Thank you, Lord! 

Gateway to Health: Conclusion

Rev. 8:13 "And I beheld, and heard an angel flying through the midst of heaven, saying with a loud voice, Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth by reason of the other voices of the trumpet of the three angels, which are yet to sound!"

Gateway to Health: Conclusion

Value Yourself!

I am concluding my Gateway to Health Series. I’ve shown you all I can about changing your diet, and the essential exercise necessary (simply walking 20-30 minutes a day or more) to keep blood flowing through your lymph nodes. I’ve told you of my successes and my failures, my ups and downs, and everything in between; now its time to let you fly. 

I realized that I might not have shown you one thing and that is to value yourself. I think people are so caught up in the fast pace of society, trying the fish joint, or the new burger palace or eating at that restaurant because of tradition and not many will give pause to waiting, valuing themselves enough to change their order for a healthier solution. People don’t think themselves worthy enough to save or are worth eating healthy to save themselves from numerous doctors visits to stay alive.

Statistically, only twenty percent of the people are willing to change their diet to save themselves from imminent death. Life is too short they say, you only live once they murmur, ‘hey, we all gotta die from something’. I get it, I know what you’re saying. Me, I’ve had the wake-up call of a lifetime. I’ve been given the opportunity to live instead of dying a slow, long drawn out, painful, drug-induced death. I’m one of the twenty percentiles that value living more than dying.

I have a Spider plant that I’ve had for about twelve years. It was always drooping no matter what I did. I watered, fed, and fertilized it but it continuously drooped. With the Christmas season came a rearranging of plants. I sat my Spider Plant in a window where it gets to see the sunrise every morning. Within two months, this looks like a whole new plant, reaching for the sky, turning towards the sun, and reproducing by having babies! 

I did something right and never moved the plant back to its previous spot. I let my plant flourish and grow. It listened to me when I said you need to have a change or you’re going to die. I know a lot of folks don’t believe plants know anything but let me tell you, weird Joni has witnessed this living breathing plant extend its life with CHANGE! That is my very reason for writing to you, so maybe you’ll change to live.

I could’ve left the plant where it was and just let it limp through life with wilted leaves but I knew a drastic change was in order for me to see this plant live up to its potential. That is all I want for my human friends who can actually change on their own, live up to your full potential, is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is. I can offer sunshine but most of the time I think your shades are drawn. I can offer you something new but too often you cling to the old. Old habits are hard to break, or so they say.

1 Thess. 5:24 “Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.”

1 Thess. 5 is almost the same thing (as in so many scripture verses) that cries out to you, a guide for you, and an aid in hard times and struggles but do you adhere? If you are not going to listen to the Holy Bible who am I to think you’d change your diet because of a few words I pen? I cry out to you to change, not to shame you or judge you, I do it because I want you to live and not be imprisoned by the drugs that will usher you to your death.

To get through the Gateway to Health there is no other entry than to walk through it, taking the first step towards change. Even the smallest of steps will have you feeling the value of life. If you’re not willing to change then go to your doctor, ask him what drug will make the slow process of death easier on you because it seems that is all anyone wants is an easy route to get from point A to point B. 

A year into my changed protocol, I struggle daily with pains, ups, and downs and don’t feel much unlike Elijah in many ways. I understand the trial I must endure and it is not the easy route in life; I cry out.

1 Kgs. 19:4 “But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree: and he requested for himself that he might die; and said, It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life; for I am not better than my fathers.”

When I cry out to Him, God assures me of another path, one where I live and I’m shown the value of my life, my journey and the end reward. Am I wrong in wanting the same for my fellow man?

1 Kgs. 19:5-8 And as he lay and slept under a juniper tree, behold, then an angel touched him, and said unto him, Arise and eat. And he looked, and, behold, there was a cake baken on the coals, and a cruse of water at his head. And he did eat and drink, and laid him down again. And the angel of the LORD came again the second time, and touched him, and said, Arise and eat; because the journey is too great for thee. And he arose, and did eat and drink, and went in the strength of that meat forty days and forty nights unto Horeb the mount of God.

My journey is far from over. I will move forward with the strength of an army of angels plowing forward bringing peace and goodwill to man. I cannot devalue my life, my soul is too precious whether good or bad instances flare up, I roll right along facing what I must. My wish for you is that when you look in the mirror you see the value in yourself before giving in completely to the darkness that leads you in the wrong direction; strolling down the darkened path where the gateway of health is closed to you.

When God extends his hand, do you turn away? When He gives you a second chance, do you toss it in the garbage pail outside the fast food restaurant? When God speaks, do you listen or are your earplugs in and you only hear what you want to hear, when you want to hear it? I’ve had every opportunity that you’ve had, to listen to everyone else, go the easy route, to be thrown on the table to be sliced, diced and medicated or go the tough route of listening to the whispers of something greater out there in the void of the cosmos. I chose the harder route but, to me, the better route.

I’m now making a choice to conclude my Gateway to Health series and allowing you to decide for yourself whether you’re worth living or dying. Do you value your life or are you content with your health, weight, prognosis, or diagnosis? If you said no, then do something about it, change is within your grasp. Take a chance, that’s all. Either fall or walk, stumble or crawl, whatever you decide you’re WORTH it to stay alive!

May the Grace of the Lord be upon you all! 

Angel always…Godspeed my friends…

Wasted Words

Pss. 91:2 “I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”

Wasted Words

Can words ever be wasted? You know, you toss words out into the void and hope they land on virgin ears where they are cherished and utilized to build a house of stone. More times than not they fall to the eyes of the blind where they’re crumpled up and tossed away on the sands of the shore; washed out to sea. Wasted words is what I call them, where you speak and no one listens.

I like to consider myself a very sensitive person. When I read words I take them to my heart and run them earnestly through my system to see where they can be used for the greatest benefit to my being. If I have to switch the words around, I will as long as the strength in the meaning stays the same.

This cancer that has invaded my body is the wakeup call I needed to show me just where in space and time I have wasted portions of my life. If someone says, ‘this is what worked for me’, I try the protocol out to see if it works for me also, if not, I toss it away like everyone else does. Words, on the other hand, they’re of value to me, I wash them down my throat like water quenching my thirst on a hot muggy day.

I remember a time about thirty years ago or so when recycling was a big thing for me. I was informed by recycling paper, plastic, glass, and metals like tin and aluminum could possibly save the world in which we live and help in the destruction of the atmosphere that man has brought upon the earth in rapid succession. Climate change, global warming or whatever they are calling it these days, didn’t happen in a normal progression of time, we sped up the destruction by not caring and our over industrialization.

So when I heard recycling could ‘help’ seal the growing hole in the ozone, I went to it and became a recycle crazy woman. Fast forward thirty years, the hole is growing bigger, many people think recycling is a waste of time, a joke, and a laughing matter. Just this year, after thirty years of trying to save the world, my trash now gets tossed out like everyone else’s, in the dump of the earth. No one else gives a flying fig about the planet, why should I be alone? On some level I feel guilty when witnessing the destruction when I see polar bears vying for life in the arctic waters once home to icebergs but are no more. Shame that my fellow man allows death over the building and saving of a precious ecosystem.

I imagine millennia in time when God spoke to His people and some listened carefully and documented His word to be carried so far in the future that to this day we still read the foundational Words and covenants of a bygone era. As years passed by, all too many people didn’t want those words to shape their houses and shores. Like waste, they were tossed out to sea, now inhabited on barges that circle the globe because no one has room for the bulk of the waste or knows what to do with the magnitude of truth facing them.

Have they wasted words? On a physical level, waste is what it is, excrement that is no longer needed for the production of results. Words, on the other hand, continue on to this day like clay, to be shaped and molded into a beautiful cistern that holds words, thoughts, and the essence of your very being. Language and communication are essential to anyone whether they can see or hear. The human body has the biggest organ on display and that is skin, with it the ability to touch and like a thumbprint, no one is alive today without the innate ability to feel.

Wasted, what is the meaning? I remember a time when I drank booze, I always heard the term wasted, ‘she or he got wasted’. The dictionary defines waste as ‘done to no avail or useless’, That is exactly what humankind has done with everything that we were freely given; wasted pretty much of the essential nutrients that keep us shaped and formed. Look at the world, look at our bodies, all waste that has gone unshaped.

When I wake in the morning and watch the sunrise, whether hidden behind clouds or not I know the Sonrise is always there for me and I ask of Him, Lord, what will you have me write of today? This morning with a heavy heart, He replied, WASTE. 

Whether wasted words, wasted refuse, wasted time, wasted life, I understood through discernment what He was telling me to write about. We have wasted His Word, in essence, we have wasted our world. There is no recycling that is going to save us only what words you listen and adhere to on a minute level. 

As I go on with my day I will hold these words I wrote in my heart and I will pray throughout the day that my words land on someone that can use them and not waste what they are hearing, seeing, touching, feeling. Embrace the momentum of the day with change. Be prepared to change your heart, your mind, your body and your soul. We have limited time that was not given for us to waste.

All of my Praise and Glory goes to Him! 

Pss. 18:2 “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.”

I Had A Bad Day...

Job 7:14 “Then thou scarest me with dreams, and terrifiest me through visions:”

I had a bad day

When a nightmare wakes me throughout the night, this title should really be, I had a bad night. The other day I woke early in the morning not my usual chipper self. I woke in tears and tears defined the greater part of my day. I guess I'm allowed a bad day/night on occasion. Glad they're not frequent.

We usually wake and go shopping, but this day I woke grumpy with two inches of snow on the ground and heavy stuff still falling from the sky. This winter has been a temperature roller coaster ride as well as the ups and downs of emotions. Normally I have my emotions in check but here lately everything is triggering a reaction in me.

My nightmare began with a doctor visit located in a hospital room not much different than the room I was in last year when I received my diagnosis before being forced into test after detrimental test. 

In my nightmare the nurse squeaked into the room, tearing off linens on the bed across from me. She was running off in the mouth. I asked her what she was doing and she quickly spits out, “We’re prepping you for surgery. That breast is nasty looking and the doctor needs to remove it, or you’re gonna die, gonna die, gonna die.” The sound was echoing over and over.

“Wait, I’m not going to have surgery. I have a choice!” My voice didn’t echo like hers, it sounded more like a soft whisper.  

“But if you’re gonna die, gonna die, gonna die,” my husbands says with the echo now in his voice. His face was really close to mine as the echo made his face look like the wicked House of Mirrors.

“I am NOT having surgery,” I screamed that one pretty loud but still no one could hear me. It was like my lips were moving but everything went on, movements in the room heads nodding in disagreement as if I wasn’t there. I was seriously expecting Pennywise from the King book ‘It’ to just pop out and start cackling but instead…

“But you’re gonna die, gonna die, gonna die! It looks nasty, nasty, nasty,” the nurse cackled with an eerie looking grin.

You get the gist of the nightmare. Fear, laughing, taunting all in line before I forced the blankets off of me and battled the cold reality of the morning. Tears still streaming down my face, when my husband said something to me, I snapped at him. That is so unlike me! I said, “I just had a terrible nightmare, please don’t do this to me today!”

He shrugged and mimicked me until I looked at him with wet eyes and started bawling my eyes out. He realized it really had to be a bad dream for me to wake in tears.

He went on with his routine to start his day; I could see his mind wandering. He ventured outside to start his truck and brush away the snow on there from the windblown covering that blanketed his truck; only a total whiteout hindered any chance of venturing off to the store at this time. I was adamant about not going with him and carrying this negative crud through the store. My son was at work and heading home in the whiteout at this very time, so that added to my stress of the early morning.

When my son arrived home, he could see I had been crying, “What’s the matter?” 

“A nightmare! I had a bad nightmare!” I know I was snappy in my reply.

“It was just a bad dream,” he says downplaying my pain. He was just returning from an eight-hour overnight shift, drove through whiteout conditions and here I was snapping at him. 

There it was, the truth of the matter, everyone is so used to seeing me as the pillar of strength that when I’m in a serious bit of stressful turmoil they don’t recognize it; they downplay my pain and shrug it off. She’ll get over it, they figure to themselves. I couldn’t get over this, not quickly anyway.

I carried throughout the day a heavy chip on my shoulder and an old time movie projector in my mind, the nightmare kept playing over and over like a broken record, “you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die.” There was just no shaking the feeling or the nightmare. This gives night terrors new meaning.

I tried venturing onto Facebook, bad idea. I felt like everyone was laughing at me, taunting me, mocking me, and disagreeing with everything I’ve worked so hard for. They were not doing any such thing, but the nightmare had my paranoia levels up and shaking this was not going to just go away with a few passing smiles for the day.

Super Bowl Sunday was then spent napping and anticipating my long-awaited arrival on Monday, our new mattress! My back has been a problem for years now and I knew it was the fifteen-year-old mattress but I also knew we couldn’t afford a new one, but with the expectancy of an income tax check, I made the suggestion to my husband of a new mattress. We thought of the costs of a chiropractor for me and the mattress was much cheaper by far. With enough supplements for two more months, I was anxiously looking forward to a comfortable nights rest on a new mattress!

I didn’t put myself through the anxiety of a football game and my husband was kind enough to sit through a Disney movie with me instead of the year’s ending of the football show. Neither one of us watched football this year as it has become its own little world. No longer an enjoyable sport-like football game, it’s now added fluff and frufru make it a waste of MY precious time. He did catch the second half (he’s a man, whatcha expect) *wink-wink* and he enjoyed watching someone else win the Super Bowl this year. 

With the Philadelphia Eagles winning the Super Bowl it just reaffirms my hope that the underdog DOES WIN on occasion! It signifies that the underdog has a chance against the powers that be, the winners of society, the boasters, and braggarts, we little folk DO win! 

James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.”

Monday, the mattress came…

Pss.3:5 “I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.”

A New Year

Psalms 116:8 “For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.”

A New Year

Winning! Victory! Health! Out with the old in with the NEW! 

This New Year is going to be all about health and what the mind can do to help you organize a mindset of winning, for your health. Healthy living is hard. Expensive? If you’re sitting there with cable television, internet, a new iPhone and other gadgets, is your internet use more important than your health? You say you can’t afford healthy food but again, there you sit with gadgets out the gazoo that you pay monthly for upkeep but why isn’t your health worth the same upkeep?

Then I see people trying to navigate their health with supplements. When this disease hit me I turned into a research guru on health and am certainly more knowledgeable than I was a year ago. 

Your health cannot be obtained by supplements and this year my journey is all about healing and health. This year isn’t about a disease or illness. It isn’t about how bad I’m doing, this year is about how GOOD I am doing! Not many people want to know about healthy living but if you do, join me on my journey.

You might be asking yourself where does my strength come from. I hope you know me well enough to know but if you don’t and want in on my little secret, again, join me on this wondrous journey of health and healing!

Many people are amazed at my willpower and I myself am kinda shocked at the will I have to want to remain alive and healthy. I assumed everyone was like me but as I’ve seen my husband struggle with giving up this or that I realized that not everyone has my iron strength. Don’t think this as me stroking my ego because I’ve said numerous times I don’t know where it comes from but I have a clue.

As the New Year unfolds and people are making fake resolutions that they know full well they’ll break in a month, try giving up something on a smaller scale. Not as a resolution to break but as a victory to gain your health! Make it a goal to finish by years end instead of in one night of wanting and wishing. This year I challenge you, strive to give up three things: sugar, dairy, flour/grains. I myself have given up these three things and more, like meat, unhealthy carbs, and toxic living.

My strength comes from what I think is a culmination of multiple things put together. Think of a brick, alone, it is just a brick but where two or three are gathered it becomes a protective wall one that the Wolf in The Three Pigs doesn’t easily huff and puff and blow down. So when asked where mine comes from I have to say, there is strength in the number of bricks I use.

Number one is faith. Walking a fine line between doubt and faith will not work. God was right, man cannot serve two masters. You either walk strong in your faith or you walk a line of doubt. Minimal faith doesn’t cut it when your life is on the line. Take the word ‘but’ out of your vocabulary. I ‘think’ I can do it with God, ‘but’. There it is, the fine line of doubt! Get it right to find success.

The second bit of strength I find is in support. If you don’t have support, anything you try, you will fail. When I was first diagnosed and told my friends I was going the holistic route and trusting in God and my faith, some were in shock and fled, others were extremely opinionated while others moved in closer to give me their full support. Unload the non-supporting crowd, they are not worth having in the first place.

The third portion of my strength is DETERMINATION! When you want to quit drinking, smoking, to lose weight and become healthy you MUST be determined to succeed! Have you ever taken diet pills to lose weight and they didn’t work? It’s because you thought the pill would do all the work for you. That’s not how it works. Your determination is the WORK you yourself put into your eventual victory.

Number four is CHANGE! To become healthy, lose weight, quit drinking or smoking you must change! Change your diet, change your habits, change your routines. To SAVE your LIFE, CHANGE your life! In the beginning, my husband was an obstruction but to me I saw it as a challenge. When he reached for a smoke, I took a walk. When he reached for a Pepsi I refilled my glass of water. When he ate candy I ate fruit! Over time, the weight melted off like butter in the sun and I felt healthy and the best I've ever felt in my entire life. I started feeling better, eating better and living better. Guess what happened? I was having an influence on my hubby and others. In just two months he has given up sugar and is actively changing!

His health is changing, his weight is changing and this wasn’t because he made a resolution in the New Year it’s because he was determined to stay alive! Isn’t that what we are all striving for? In the coming year, the majority of my posts will be about health, eating right, exercise, strength and determination! I might even toss in a few recipes. Live or die!  I wish someone had said that to me more bluntly in my early years, maybe I wouldn’t have shrugged off healthy living for the lusts of the flesh. A Happy, Healthy New Year to you! 

Gal. 5:16-17 “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.”

Food, Food, Food

Pss. 104:14 “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth;”

Food, Food, Food

I think I need to clarify something for my readers, FOOD! Food is not a problem for me anymore, I’m enjoying this forced protocol more than I ever have in these past nine months, my problem is, and I’m WORKING ON IT, is being around festive happy carnivores eating the meal offered as if they hadn’t eaten in weeks, shoveling food into their mouths, getting a second huge helping, then adding a sweet scrumptious dessert to their faces. Then listening to them complain about their weight and how they need to shed some pounds.

Scents conjure images and memories for me. Have you ever walked into a church with polished wood and marble floors and an image or memory floods the mind? Ever walk into a library and the aroma of thousands of books smack you in the face bringing back memories of the good old days when libraries were the actual source of information? Ever walk into a bakery and your mouth begins to water, then scanning the shelves your stomach begins churning, craving the delectable sweet? THIS is the problem I have, memories! I don’t get to decide when they’re turned on and turning them off isn’t a trait I’ve acquired yet.

No, I do not miss the food I used to eat. I’m really doing well on passing up gobs of macaroni and cheese, bread and mayonnaise and the occasional meat that went through the doors to my stomach. I wish I had changed my diet sooner but I didn’t really care because never having a weight problem, the food tasted good.

I was never a big meat eater; I usually ate meat when in a family gathering, meat and potatoes were all that was offered and I never went for dessert. While desserts smelled good and looked tasty, I was never a big partaker of sweets either. So no, I don’t miss meats and sweets.

I think, not sure, what I miss is camaraderie. Food brings people together. Think about it, you go food shopping once a week, you’re all gathered in the store doing the same thing buying food for your family. In that one moment, you are mingling with people with like agendas, satisfying your family. What has happened in my family is separateness. Adam shops and buys his food, hubby buys his meats, eggs, and potatoes and me I hit the veggie section.

Then there are the separate dinners; Adam makes his food, hubby makes his or I put it on for him and my meal is totally different. And we no longer sit at the table together. Adam likes watching his phone, hubby and I watch reruns of old TV shows on his computer and it feels like in this year, we’re all going in different directions where once we had unity, togetherness. Adam has also chosen to work on Thanksgiving. I’m okay with that because I don’t have any plans anyway.

Memories - my memories of childhood were of us, never eating together as a family, we all did our own thing. Don’t get me wrong, my mother made some delicious meals and when I was old enough, I’d start the meals in a slow cooker and basically it was a first come, first serve basis, grab a TV table and go plop in front of the television. Unless it was Thanksgiving, that was the day we all ate together as a family, even my father joined us at the table.

Maybe during this season, I’m melancholy, not depressed, and yes I do know the difference. I only get depressed because of the deaths that have invaded my holidays. That could just be melancholy too. The holidays elicit feelings, aromas give rise to memories, sights and sounds awaken the melancholy beings that we are. Gatherings make me think of family and togetherness.

Yes, I could cheat and eat my heart out for just one day, but wouldn’t that defeat all that I’ve accomplished in nine months? My stomach is different now; it reacts to foods going down the tube differently. Meat turns my stomach, sugars churn the cells inside and they react to what I place in my mouth. Cheating is only cheating myself, no one else. I don’t eat to please others, I eat to survive, just like everyone else, except my choices of food, are quite different in my survival mindset.

I’ll go on with the holiday as my happy-go-lucky self. When people ask how I’m doing I’ll tell them fine, if they ask questions I’ll smile and tell them I’m not really up to a Q & A session. I just want to visit and enjoy their company and being the Walton clan I see them as, they’ll understand, go on with the day and enjoy their non-heart healthy meal. It is THEIR life, not mine. I live to seek eternity while others live to basically die. I’m finding that there is more to life than eating, living and dying.

1 Tim. 6:8 “And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.”

“God Bless Everyone”

Illness Knows No Bounds

Pss. 67:2 "That thy way may be known upon earth, thy saving health among all nations."

Even the Healthy Get Sick

I just read an article about a young woman age thirty-two who was a vegan, health nut, she exercised daily, non-smoker in her prime, and she has stage four lung cancer.

I pretty much know how I contracted this disease, and knowing is part of the healing. But this young lady has no idea. She was doing everything right and yet, she was still hit by this disease.

To me, this is proof of the toxic world we live in. She ate the right foods, more than likely non-organic because organic is more or less a new thing. She didn’t smoke but was an avid jogger. I imagine the toxins she inhaled jogging daily was worse than smoking five packs of cigarettes a day. She washed her hair, probably dyed it too, she used deodorant and soap put out with chemicals in them. Then she probably drank water either toxic faucet water or water in a plastic bottle. All toxic.

When we think we’re doing the best we can for our health, we’re smacked with the truth that no, we are not doing everything that needs to be done to stay alive. We are not vigilant enough when it comes to our health. We’re vigilant when it comes to posting on Facebook, we’re active when something happens in our nation, we throw our support behind the wrongs and right of society but our health? That takes a back burner while we’re looking the other way, the wolf is sneaking into the den.

We have defiled God’s plan for man and beast!

Psalms 104:14 “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth;”

Did you read that scripture? At one time, it was the norm for cattle to be raised on grass, herbs were the source of medicine, and oils were the tincture they turned to. Now if someone says they eat grass-fed beef, they’re looked at as if they’re not normal. 

I love it when people say, “I’d die before I gave up ______.” Fill in the blank, is it beef, coffee, sugar? What would you die for before you gave it up? Think about that seriously. Because when death taps you on your shoulder like you’re given a life-altering illness, would you still rather die before giving something up? I wouldn’t rather die. I know some of my posts sound otherwise, but honestly, I do want to live and get this, I’ll DIE TRYING to live! How funny is that? (not haha, ironic)

I’m sure some of you understand the gamut of emotions I must go through in a day, a week or a month but the emotions don’t cling to me and shape my healing. I write about them good or bad, express the inner turmoil, have people nodding their head in agreement because they too are doing everything to stay alive. 

Often when I’m feeling my lowest asking the why’s I’m doing what I’m doing, I’m told from the higher ups that these struggles are to attain the home that they have waiting for me. It’s like they saved me a spot and they want to make sure I get there, but I need to run the race first.

We’re all in this race together. It’s like running a marathon; some are slow, some are fast, some drop out mid way, some collapse from exhaustion but there are a FEW who make the million-mile stretch to the end!

1 Cor. 9:24 “Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.”

The Lord doesn’t ask us to give him half of our self, He’d like it if we gave it our all and submitted all of our self. I can’t hammer this truth home hard enough, our bodies are a temple, we should move full steam ahead in treating it as such. Why do we treat infants with gentle loving care? Because they are precious! Why do we tend our gardens with such intimate grace? Because more times than not our gardens are taking care of US! So why would you treat your body any different? Why are your health and life not as precious as an infant or a garden? Let me tell you, IT IS!! Treat it as such and you too will win this race before us. 

1 Cor. 6:19 “What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?”

They'll Never Know

Gen. 18:21 “I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.”

They’ll Never Know

They’ll never know the loneliness I felt, the emptiness that resided in me. They did nothing and could have done everything. They left me, isolated and alone, out in the pastures of life.

They’ll never know the hours I spent staring out the window, chasing birds with my mind wanting to fly away from the very sedentary life I live. I wanted to live but no one, nothing gave me options, they left me alone.

I am the plague that they fear catching. The disease that they’d rather keep away from their life; the very fear that festers inside of them that they’ll one day have to face alone. It’s no fun this solitude that haunts my mind. It saddens me to think I will die and they’ll never know of my life, my real life.

They’ll see the pictures I painted for them, the fragments as breadcrumbs dropped on the ground for them to follow. They’ll never find the real source of my pain because it is dwelling in them, they’ll never know. They’ll never know that the picture is false; the painter is never the painting it is just an expression of what they see. I am the artist creating an illusion of a world you’ll believe. I am the game endlessly played never to be won. I am your addiction, the one thing you need to be real.

Deep down I am the smear, the painting went wrong, the mistakes you’ll never see. I am the routine never to be broken. I am the vase sitting on the shelf with no flowers. I am the desert, dry and never to be rained upon. The hour never to be changed, the life day in and day out staring into a windowed world sharing a love for people I’ll never meet, a spiritual family that deeply cared from afar.

They’ll never know the turmoil I faced. They’ll think I was strong because I never allowed the shards of glass to cut them open. I only allowed the brokenness to shut me down to leave me vulnerable to what it is that surrounds me in my physical world. Alone, I am alone and pained by my surroundings. 

They’ll live thinking they did everything and knowing they did absolutely nothing. They’ll never know I was used, abused and diffused; a live wire with no connection to sustain the energy that thrives within me. I loved too hard, I shined too bright, and I was everything they were not nor ever could be.

There can be no healing as long as I’m demeaned, pushed down into the box and smothered. I spring forward like a jack-in-the-box daily with my polka-dot suit and painted smile I show everyone what they want to see. I make them smile waxing nostalgic over the times of their youth when they cranked the music and watched as the toy came bouncing into life. They never saw the real me, they’ll never know.

The blood, they claimed to love but they’ll never know that it was only I who loved and they shed me like dry skin to be swept away from the scene. I became the disease that they dreaded to see; they dared not look at. They went on in their fantasy playing charades and showing the world their imagined perfect life. They lived while I died, but they’ll never know.

To sum it all up, I was flourishing in the warmth of the sun, growing and turning towards the sunlight as the orb drifted overhead and I carried the rays like a candle into the night to show me the way. Then one day in all my splendor I was mowed over, severed and left in mere rubble, kicked about and wiped off the bottom of the shoe, I was done. To them I am nothing, to me I am all, to Him I am worthy. I am everything. In their obscured selfish bliss, they’ll never know.

Who are they? They are the ones who sat in their passive state and said they cared. They are the ones who did nothing as my body slowly withered and decayed. They are the ones who afterward wondered what they didn’t do carrying guilt like a different handbag of the week. They are the ones who went on, to live, to breathe. They know who they are but then again, they’ll never really know.

Ezek. 39:8 “Behold, it is come, and it is done, saith the Lord GOD; this is the day whereof I have spoken.”

Perseverance

Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

Perseverance

Diet and stress are my new high points in life at this moment as I persevere. I’ve deleted umpteen emails that are naggingly telling me what feeds this disease, what wakes up this disease, what to eat and when to eat. I’m now on the information overload of my system. Then this plant based diet got through to me. I took a deep breath and looked it over, not hating what I was seeing.

I want to try this diet but seriously, I’m not out for a diet based on what’s a good diet. I’m looking for sustenance in my health in healing this disease! Everything looks good except the acidic aspects of some of the foods. I just want what's best for my health.

July 25th will be my sixth-month mark since this diagnosis walked into my life like a volcano and erupted shifting everything in its path forcing me to rethink some things in my life, including the food I put into my mouth. I’ve badgered unhealthy eaters; I’ve even tried to twist some arms into change but then I came to an abrupt halt of my own hand pressing on my chest telling me to hold on now, STOP!

I don’t know if this is a bad habit or just a part of who I am but I always find myself worrying about everyone else but myself. Even now with this disease, I’m more concerned with those around me, their feelings, their eating habits, their unhealthy living.

When I say I’m done, I never mean it to be I’m giving up, I mean I’m done with everyone else! I’m done worrying about tiptoeing on their love or non-love. I’m done falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I’m done being something for all and nothing for myself. I can’t make people love me and that’s okay, I love me. I have to realize that I am the most important player in MY game of life. Actually, I am the ONLY player. 

Solitaire, it’s the game I’ve played all my life. Alone. Even with my most recent upset, I keep it to myself because when I share, I’m told what I should do, what I need to do, or I get silence, nothing at all. Yeah, I know it makes it hard to make a comment, but can’t someone just say something simple like, ‘I’m here for you’ and actually be there for me? I hear I’m here for you then don’t hear another word from them for months?

I’ve been wanting to write and post but really I’ve been writing and keeping it to myself because I’m virtually tired. I’m tired of all of the information, I’m tired of defending myself, and I’m tired of having to watch what I say. My son seems to think I have a lot to live for but quite honestly, I don’t see it. I might feel differently in a month or two but right now, I’m exhausted.

I have hope that one day, maybe when I’m gone my family and loved ones will FINALLY read MY blog, MY pains, MY thoughts and realize what they REALLY lost. I’ll tell them I hurt, they didn’t care that I hurt and were partly to blame for my hurt. I can’t be any more honest than that with myself. That is how I’m healing, letting go of the ones hurting me; even if that means the ones closest in my orbit who actually had the chance to love me but chose something else over me. 

Maybe being exhausted is a good thing because I can take the time to put things into perspective, see things from a different vantage point. It’s like looking out and knowing mountains are out there but not seeing them. It’s like driving to the mountains and finally seeing the glorious peaks and knowing the climb is the end game, not just observing beautiful mountains.

When I wake and ask God, what would you have me do for you today and He says rest, I want to give Him a Joni slap and say WHAAAT? But then I remember who He is and bow down and respond, Your will be done. Can I ever rest? Why do I feel like resting is giving up when I know it is just a pause in the machine I’m oiling. I have a little more work to do then…I’m done.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and she isn’t even a real doctor or anything, she’s a PA, a Physicians Assistant. What on earth is she going to do for me except reiterate why I need drugs and go the slice and dice method? That is what they are all programmed to say. I’m reading too much into the visit before I’ve even given the poor woman a chance. If she asks me what I’m doing, I’ll be honest with her and tell her, I’m choosing the way I die.

Don’t read more into that than I offer. I’m just not choosing to go down in a fetal position, in a hospice hooked to wires and drugs. I’m choosing to enjoy the Lord’s bounty of fruits and vegetables, His gifts to us and yet too many overlook because their eye is on the sweet, meaty prize, literally.

What I am doing and all that is left for me to do is prepare for my entry into Heaven and the walk that I look forward to. I seek that mountain with the snow-capped tops. I look toward the ascent to finally being free from the earth and all of the ignorance and disrespect strewed around like confetti on New Year’s Eve. When Jesus descended into hell, I just can’t imagine there is a place lower than this planet. I’m reaching for the summit in the sky…I’ll persevere here then move on to a place where I am truly loved and surrounded by love where ALL is love. I yearn for that. Peace out!

To God Be the Glory…

Pss. 37:37 "Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace."

Pss. 30:12 "To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever."

My Realization

Some see an electric pole, I see a cross

2 Sam. 22:40 “For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me.”

The Realization

Well, I think I’ve discovered the reason for my ‘grumbles’ as some call it. It’s the realization that this is my new life and it isn’t going anywhere soon. Let me ask you, when you walk into a food store what’s the first thing you see? Food, right?  Now look at the food, all of it and think, I can’t have any. That is my new life. This is the source of my grumbles.

My new life consists of expensive foods that I probably shouldn’t even be eating. I’m cautious with every bite and every single purchase and hubby is always on the lookout for something I ‘might’ be able to eat. If it’s a fruit or vegetable, yippee, that’s me, but I’m human, I don’t like every fruit and vegetable on the market. But I'm willing to try those once disliked veggies.

I can’t eat processed food so the majority of boxed, canned and frozen foods are out of the question. The brown eggs hubby buys me are four dollars a dozen (sometimes on sale) and I go through a dozen a week. I go through two bags of seven-dollars-a bag of grapes a week, and strawberries I eat a lot of whether in season or out of season.

This is my reality. This is the realization that if I want to live, I cannot visit a fast food restaurant ever again. I can’t go to the new Dunkin Donuts that just opened up. Visiting a movie house would be as torturous as going food shopping, the aroma alone will eat me alive. Not that we visited any of these places often, but we had a choice. Now, my only choice is live or die. I look at every item on the shelf and painstakingly have to look at the ingredients. No soy, no wheat, that just about leaves me meat and dairy which is not allowed either, so yeah, that leaves cruciferous veggies, fruit (not all), and berries.

If you’re on a diet, you have a choice. You can cheat, you can go off your diet at any time, and honestly, you can look forward to your diet ending and going back to eating all the food you want. I myself, don’t have that choice. Again, my only choice in the matter is live or die! If I cheat, I am cheating myself of life and my willpower is too strong for that. I choose life, plain and simple.

I am not complaining, I am not grumbling, I’m letting you in on the realization that THIS is my new way of life. I do have a choice, I could live or I could die, quite simple choice, no? I choose life. Why grumble, why whine? Because the realization hits you in the face, that THIS is your new way of life! Let’s say you’re driving down the road and a Mack truck is heading straight for you, in that instant, you swerve to miss the head on collision. You chose to live, you chose to live with the realization of what plummeting into the ditch will cause.

I’m out here in the middle of nowhere building my strength. I go to the food store to see just how strong I am and I’m getting better! The first time I went food shopping, I left bawling my eyes out, the second and third time were a little better, but last time we left the food store we had to stop and get gas. Tears overflowed my eyes in silence. The pictures on the outside of the gas station were images of donuts. We sat next to a Buffalo Wild Wings, another new business I never had the chance to try. 

Surrounding me was a Burger King, an Applebee's restaurant where we had our wedding day meal, and then there was Wendy’s where I had my last meal from the outside world. The images and memories just poured in and my eyes reacted, my heart hurt and I cried. This is all a part of my healing too as I see how strong I am each day and just how much this little lady can take. 

Then there were the people hurrying out of the surrounding places with either a drink or food in their hand or lighting a cigarette. There were big people and little people, short people and tall people all with the same choice as me, to live or die, and my crazy mind is thinking that they are choosing a slow death over life. I can sit here and say it’s their life and I don’t care what they do but in all honesty, I DO care. I care very much whether people live or die. I can’t change their choices but I can hear their voices, and not one of them are saying, I WANT TO LIVE! 

You can say that this is me judging people but I say it is me observing people. I do care whether people live or die but it is not my CHOICE on what they choose in life. I, a little late in life, choose to live and this is the realization of my new way of living. 

2 Sam. 22:33  “God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.” 

Holy Week ~ One Day I Will Die

Matt. 4:16 “The people which sat in darkness saw great light; and to them which sat in the region and shadow of death light is sprung up.”

~ One Day I Will Die ~

One day I will take my last breath

what will you remember of me?

My intense love of life

My emotional good spirit

or God’s Light that has set me free?

Will you hold my laughter in your hand

Will you see the joy I shared

Am I the girl you’ll always say

“Now there’s a woman who cared.”

One day I’ll whisper my last breath

What will I leave behind?

The pureness of heart

A well lit path

For you to try and find?

Will my passion for nature linger

Will my presence always bloom

Am I the one you’ll remember

Who lit an entire room?

One day I’ll breathe my last breath

The memory of me you’ll trade

Will any portion 

Of me remain

Or will my essence fade?

God light the fork before me

So I know which road to take.

Allow them to keep a part of me

That I know I dare not take. 

Matt. 22:5 “But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise:”

God Bless you all! 

Angel Always, Godspeed....

Seasonal Change

Pss. 90: 6 "In the morning it flourisheth, and groweth up; in the evening it is cut down, and withereth."

Seasonal Change

It seems like a seasonal change is going on in my body and mind. In the Spring I’m flourishing and growing, writing until my fingers hurt then by fall I’m ready to go dormant and wither into the sunset and put my year long trek of blog posts behind me. It’s not even the New Year yet. 

I did have a goal at the beginning of this year and that was to surpass last year’s posts. So far I beat the 112 posts mark pretty easy. Now to surpass 2013, not so easy as September has arrived and I just want the year to be over already. Maybe the cooler temperatures arriving next week will whisk me away into a writing frenzy and my goal will surpass 2014! Hey, I can dream but the one thing I can’t do is give up!

2013 – 162 posts, 2014 – 182 posts, 2015 - 112 posts, 2016 – 155 so far. A grand total of 1699 posts thus far – Definitely surpassing my goal from when I began this venture. 

~  Amen  ~

Topics – the elusive thought for a topic is becoming harder and harder as sources become overwhelming to my little brain. Then there is the reality that I must live life and not just sit behind this windowed world because things need to be taken care of around my home.

I feel lost amid a sea of falling leaves that are slowly being taken from their tree source and left to lie on the ground waiting to be raked and put into a pile on my almost ready to be sleeping garden. Even my flourishing garden wants to rest from a heated summer where little has fallen from the sky to quench the thirst of the dry land beneath.

I thought I’d at least make my blog writing to the November election when the chosen one will be hung out to dry on the social media clothesline.  The news media will spin their web of deceit just in time for Halloween when all the masks will be evidently seen from people and politicians alike and I get to be here at center stage to watch the show. Yippee, how depressing.

I think about giving up writing all the time but I won’t allow the phase to suck me down the drain with all the mask-wearing people. I actually have a goal set and I don’t like giving up. I don’t care how depressing the world around me becomes or how hard they try to tighten the noose around my neck with their gibberish; I can’t give up!

I sometimes feel like my posts are coming off as peeved or angry but I have no intention of writing from anger. When something bothers me, like lies and deceit, I write about the liars and deceivers so that maybe, just maybe, everyone else can see that people they know and trust are misleading them also. Maybe they don’t even care if the bullring hanging from their nose is leading them around. This is why I feel like discontinuing my writing so I can just have a break from the grammar-etiquette police and the judgmental masked socialites, who know who they are. 

I don’t have all of the answers and I surely don’t pretend to know it all. I lost my ego years ago when reality swallowed me up as the social media frenzy was seizing control of the world. I am not a pretentious person putting on a show for you all to read, what you see is the real me that some of you like but some are taken aback by my over-the-top honesty.

“Did she really just say that?” Yes, yes I did. 

Sometimes my openness corners me into a cage, leaving people to poke sticks at me through the bars, feed me their delusion or ready to pull their shotguns out because they see me as a big gorilla trying to save a small child. (Think Harambe, the almost endangered species) 

There you have it, the truth of this entire post, I’m an endangered species being forced out of existence by an all too willing mass that would rather shoot me down rather than lift me up. I’m telling you here and now, I will not go out quietly. I will look down the barrel of your gun proclaiming HE IS ALIVE! I AM ALIVE! All the capitalizing in the world isn’t big enough to make you HEAR the WORDS (or see) because blindness is an epidemic that is sucking the life out of the living.

Seasons come and seasons go

Dreams may come and dreams may flow.

No one knows from where I grow

As seasons come and seasons go.

Ex. 23:20 Behold, I send an Angel before thee, to keep thee in the way, and to bring thee into the place which I have prepared.

Poetry Sunday ~ One Day I Will Die

Matt. 4:16 “The people which sat in darkness saw great light; and to them which sat in the region and shadow of death light is sprung up.”

~ One Day I Will Die ~

One day I will take my last breath

what will you remember of me?

My intense love of life

My emotional good spirit

or God’s Light that has set me free?

Will you hold my laughter in your hand

Will you see the joy I shared

Am I the girl you’ll always say

“Now there’s a woman who cared”

One day I’ll whisper my last breath

What will I leave behind?

The pureness of heart

A well lit path

For you to try and find?

Will my passion for nature linger

Will my presence always bloom

Am I the one you’ll remember

Who lit an entire room?

One day I’ll breathe my last breath

The memory of me you’ll trade

Will any portion 

Of me remain

Or will my essence fade?

God light the fork before me

So I know which road to take.

Allow them to keep a part of me

That I know I dare not take. 

Matt. 22:5 “But they made light of it, and went their ways, one to his farm, another to his merchandise:”

Woman with Issues

John 11:4 “When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.”

Perimenopause

Great news. I’m not just a grouchy insensitive woman I am now (added to all of my other disability issues) going through perimenopause. This is great news that as a woman who is now ‘not getting any younger’ has even more issues to deal with. At least there is a reason for my instability of the mind going, I’m a woman! I feel so sorry for men who have to put up with women, love or no love, no wonder they’re considered the stronger species, they never have to go through HALF of what women go through, they just have to put up with us. That takes strength, my friends, even though men are the biggest babies I’ve ever seen at the slightest of ailments.

By the way, this post isn’t for the single man, stop now. 

Everyone’s experience of perimenopause is unique. This is nice to hear.

35 Symptoms of Perimenopause

Hot flashes, hot flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
Irregular heart beat
Irritability
Mood swings, sudden tears
Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles
Loss of libido
Vaginal dryness
Crashing fatigue
Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
Disturbing memory lapses
Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
Itchy, crawly skin
Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
Increased tension in muscles
Breast tenderness
Headache change: increase or decrease
Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Sudden bouts of bloat
Depression
Exacerbation of existing conditions
Increase in allergies
Weight gain
Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
Dizziness, vertigo, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
Changes in body odor
Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
Tingling in the extremities
Gum problems, increased bleeding
Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
Osteoporosis (after several years)
Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc.

What else is good to know is that I have two more stages:
Menopause. This is the point when it's been a year since a woman last had her last menstrual period. At this stage, the ovaries have stopped releasing eggs and making most of their estrogen.

Postmenopause. These are the years after menopause. During this stage, menopausal symptoms such as hot flashes ease for most women. But health risks related to the loss of estrogen rise as the woman ages. 

Great, more health risks after all of this? I guess my eight-hour sleep-filled nights will be over too! Maybe I’ll be an exception to the rule, but I’m not counting on it. 

I thought I had permanent PMS but since I’m no long in my thirties, nope, it’s the OTHER PMS woman syndrome, PeriMenopauseSyndrome. Yeah, I made that up because I’m so happy to find out that what I’m going through isn’t a life threatening illness that is going to take my life so early, although, I’d probably be glad to get away from the earth at this point in my GOS, (growing old syndrome).

So you probably thought this was yet another God post or something and stumbled upon a woman and her issues post. Issues is an understatement, I’m trying to figure out what in the name of God I am going through. (See what I did there?) Well there you have it, I turned this into a God post after realizing that this is part of the woman’s suffering.

Gen. 3:16 “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

I guess I’ll just have to live with it AND die with it, YAY women. I think I’ll find ways to deal with these issues that are bombarding me like a fourth of July fireworks show. I’ll be a better person for it, right, dealing with the syndrome with grace? Praise be to God. 

Bucket List

2 Pet. 1:4 “Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.”

We watched a movie titled Bucket List. It starred Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, two exemplary actors looking every bit their age but they still shine. I recommend the movie to anyone who likes non-sex and inspirational movies.

Without giving too much away, the story is about two men who have a bucket list of things to do before they die. It kind of had me thinking of all the things I’d like to do before I die.  I more than likely won’t complete my bucket list but I can dream, can’t I?

My number one thing to do is to get back home and see my mother before SHE dies and before I meet the maker.

My number two thing is silly. I want to sleep beneath the stars all night, a tent, a sleeping bag and a candle (or lantern) but preferably no snakes.

Number three has already been attempted but I want to succeed – I want to pet a cow! Yes people, you read it right, this city gal wants to pet a cow! If I could pet all farm animals that would be the icing on the cake so I won’t push it.

Number four is to have my inspirational poems self-published. I need my name to live on and don’t want to burden my son or husband by having them publish my work AFTER I die. But then again, isn’t that when most poets become famous for their work? Hmm… I’ll keep that in mind.

Number five – well I haven’t really gotten number five yet. I’ll have to let you know on that one. 

I’ve done so much in my life that actually making a bucket list of things to do is really harder than it sounds. 

Horseback riding? Done that. A trip to Disney World? Been there done that and I think I’m the only child who walked away from there saying, well let’s not go THERE again. Florida to me is like hell with candy canes, yeah that’s what it is to me. (I like snow and cold weather, keep that in mind.)

I’ve ridden a train (for twenty hours to be exact) to the aforementioned hell with candy canes. At the end of our ride, somewhere in Florida, the train derailed, one of the cars did, and we had to sit for hours before we got moving again, so no a train ride is not on my bucket list of things to do anymore.

You’d think climb a mountain would be on my list? Well, as a kid we used to summer vacation in the Pocono Mountains and mountain climbing was on our list and that along with horseback riding is what we did, as well as swim and bask at an isolated lake. All of the vacationing folk were pretty much gone when we arrived in late August so we had the entire community to ourselves. We stopped going when they turned the quiet place into a skiing community, which took away the beauty of the solitude it was exceptional for.

The Pocono Mountains is where I fell madly in love with the night sky. Billions upon billions of stars blanketed the sky in a shimmering diamond mine sort of spectacle and returning home to the city life left me yearning for the night cover that the mountains gave to me. Hence, the reason I want to sleep under the stars before I make my way to heaven. 

I’ve never had the wish to go skydiving or bungee jumping so that’s not on my list and my fear of heights helps with that part of the list. Basically, my list boils down to getting in touch with nature and all of her living, breathing animals; that to me brings me closer to God.

So my number five is really petting and seeing as many farm animals as I possibly can.

There you have it…at that point I can die in peace knowing I have lived a full life not of wants and needs but of the love of nature and all of God’s creatures. This is MY Bucket List, what does yours look like? 

4 Ezra 14:14 “Let go from thee mortal thoughts, cast away the burdens of man, put off now the weak nature,”