Which Voice Do You Hear?

The face in the clouds

Acts 14:10 "Said with a loud voice, Stand upright on thy feet. And he leaped and walked."

Which do you hear?

Two voices, one of positive encouragement the other a put down, both on the same exact subject. An example? 
"Does my hair look okay?"
"It looks great."

"I think it looks like it got caught in a blender on high speed!"

When you hear (read) both, which do you hear that you'll carry with you? Do you hear how great your hair looks and you carry that positive affirmation through your day? More times than not you hear the negative comment and go on with your day with a little chip hanging on your shoulder ready to pounce on anyone that looks at you the wrong way.

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27 (NIV)

I love this from Bible Gateway: "Jesus doesn’t tell us if we dig deep enough or study long enough or go to church often enough we’ll be able to uncover the hidden mystery to hearing His voice. Instead, Jesus lists only one prerequisite to hearing His voice: Be one of His sheep." - Katy McCown

You see, my point is, I listen to God but there are people out there muffling His words for me. I sit in the quiet of the morning, meditating on His word and His voice, listening in the still small place that He and I share in the spiritual flow of the cosmos, my soul. When I come out of this place, some negatively call it 'from under my rock', I see it as time WITH my ROCK of salvation! The negative voice hurts and puts a dent in my space but I truly try so hard not to carry it around in my day. It's kind of hard when the clamoring comes beating on your door seeking what it is you have hiding there.

It's ironic that I listen and hear his voice. I try and tell people that they too can listen and hear but I assume they have discord hammering at their door with other priorities that keep their focus away from hearing Christ in them. Yesterday, I received an email noting the distractions WE ALL have knocking on our door keeping us away from hearing HIS voice and listening to another voice that pulls and tugs at us and we often aren't even aware.

I happily live under my rock for many reasons, one of those reasons is to keep the distractions from trying to pull me into the deep end of the pool and drowning me. The other reason is that it is a cool solid place to dwell when needing a rock to lean on that actually listens and HEARS what I'm whispering. I can scream and shout outside of the rock and no one hears, and I'm okay with that too. After all, Jesus has been gently nudging people for centuries and the people smothered Him with fires and flames so they didn't HAVE to hear him.

When I was first diagnosed, the doctors circled around me like a school of sharks. They in no way offered me anything remotely helpful. This conservative state wants you to swim WITH the sharks or be eaten alive BY the sharks, you are not allowed an in-between spot on the spectrum. I am neither liberal or conservative, so basically, in a nation that DEMANDS you to choose a side or be burned at the stake, I'm screwed! I go to the doctor, they offer me drugs. I tell them my stance, they scoff and wave their hands as if blowing me off. They don't, I repeat, they DO NOT offer anything alternative! I need to cross state lines for that, and since I don't see that in my cards anywhere down the line, I stand firm with Christ and where He and He alone will lead me. HE is my safety net, my Rock! 

I CANNOT afford a chiropractor or an acupuncturist, I cannot do yoga because of my arthritis. I cannot turn to a doctor because all they spew at me is, "You need chemo chemo chemo. You don't need a chiropractor, you need chemo!" or "Here, have some drugs for your pain." That right there is the sharks I won't swim with. You too can agree or disagree with me, it is your right. I thank you all for caring endlessly for me and wanting to help. I sincerely love you all to the moon and back! 

I think I need to go under my rock for a bit and enjoy what is left of summer. Which voice is it that you hear? I hear God telling me over and over, "I GOT THIS! I GOT THIS!" All my praise and Glory goes to HIM! 

This is basically how I feel when not under my rock.

"And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! " The Grinch, Dr. Seuss

Godspeed friends, in all that you do, be BLESSED!

2 Cor. 1:3 "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;"

A closer look at The Face in the Clouds

I Don't Want To Know

James 1:2 (NIV) “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” 

I Don’t Want To Know

Something came up in conversation the other day with my husband. I was taking my supplements and pointed out that many were for inflammation. He responded with, “Did you ever think that’s not what it is?” Referring to my immense amount of daily pain. "Absolutely," I responded. I don't think of it often, but it certainly crosses my mind on occasion. Maybe it isn't inflammation, maybe it's worse. Yeah, I won't go the doubt route.

I feel negative comments surfacing on a regular basis now. I feel like others are doubting and it's not helping my journey any. I snapped back at my husband and told him that No, I don't wanna know if it is something else. I don't want to go to the doctors for them to hound me and tell me I should get chemo. I don't want to know if it has spread and I only have six months to live. I am persevering and doing everything I can to prevent death but then when you think about it, no one can prevent death, we're all going to die.

Memorial Day was no different with the poor poor pitiful Joni, looks. I didn't want to go to his mother's, but I did want to see the family. She wasn't having a cookout or anything, just a yearly gathering of his aunt and two uncles that we only get to see one or two times a year because two live out of state and one hours away. I didn't want to go because well, I'm in constant pain and it's a challenge to get out the door, down the steps, into the truck, back out of the truck, ascend more stairs and do it all over again when the visit is over.

I was also concerned with the questions that would be aimed at me. Luckily his brother was there with his wife and son so it kind of took the questions away from me. Instead, I was met with eyes of pity. They looked at me like the cripple I am and treated me like a fragile broken child who needs assistance with every step. I wonder how they think I manage to get through every single day? I don't have a live-in nurse that cares for me, I DO take care of myself. I AM a little slow but I'm not a precious vase about to fall on the floor that needs catching before it smashes to the ground.  

Then there was the lightning storm going on for two hours and more. The gusty winds arose right before we left as did a little thunder and lightning and I wanted to wait but no, hubby had to leave then and there. The dirt road was a sloppy mess as we swerved and swayed until it came to an end. Every swerve of the car sent a tingling pain up my back. The short trip to his mother's had the pain rising and rising with each clap of thunder and every sliver of lightning. We arrived in a downpour. I said I'd wait in the car, but I got so frustrated with myself, I hopped out and limped, cane in hand, to the front door. Hubby on arm trying to walk in his normal stride and me trying to keep up with my tiny limps, in the pouring rain and gusting winds. 

I try and understand that his family never sees me, and hasn't seen me using a cane and just expected bouncy-bouncy Joni, but instead, they were met with Tiny Tim. After his brother left, his aunt was right on me asking how I was doing and if I was still doing my protocol. I tried not to be snarky but it was quite hard as my back felt like a tightly wound rubber band about to snap and I really was not up to a visit that day. I just said yes, yes, I wake every day and thank God for another day. I was curt but not snarky. 

When I went to get up to use the bathroom his mother was about to leap into action, "You need help?" Umm... no, but thank you. As I walked past her my husband was sitting there and I asked for some water and his mom quickly jumped up and said I can get it, I can get it. I love having people care, I love that they want to know more about how I'm handling my illness. I love that they don't even talk chemo with me, but a tightly threaded quilt will eventually dry rot. Remember, I'm here year round. Not that anybody ever asks about my writing but is as important to me as my husband's now-defunct blog he had while he was blind. Writing is my life and I live to tell my story. 

On the ride home from his moms the storms were still churning; hard to see, muddy roads a bigger mess but we made it home and my tears fell unseen as quickly as the raindrops. It was a trying day for me that no one understands. As stubborn as I am, I am not one to be pitied and the looks, the stares, they tore me apart shred by shred. While I know and understand how lucky I am to be in this family and to have people that care, you don't realize how much it hurts to know I have a family back home that couldn't give a rip about me. I never cross their mind in a day, month or a year. It makes me feel defensive and isolated when a person after months of not seeing me shows signs of caring. I go on.

Tuesday, the entire day was rainfall! Glorious rainfall with rolling thunder and a flash of lightning here and there but rain it did! I think we had ten storms in one day and they didn't stop until eleven at night. The temps dropped to normal on Monday, meaning Springlike temps of the 60's and yesterday the temps that were predicted near ninety barely made it to seventy. Alleluia Amen.

Like summertime storms, life comes at us unexpectedly. Sometimes the trials are easy to endure, at other times they're difficult. Sometimes it's a delicate rainfall, at times a hard downpour. Sometimes high winds, a few times tornadoes pop up. Surely you need to be ready but if you knew ahead of time that you were going to die, what would you do differently? If a doctor told you that you have six months to live, how would you spend those last six months? Me, I don't want to know. I want to live until I die and that's that. Sure I'll prepare myself for the storms about to strike but I will not sit here and count days and think each one my last. As long as God is my guide, I never fear the valleys. Don't pity me as I persevere! I go with God!

James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” 

Against The Wind

Mark 6:47-48 (NIV) "Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the 

lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them.” 

Against the Wind

When you’re in as much pain as me, you have a lot of time to just sit and think. Sitting is not good for me because the longer I sit the harder it is to get back up. But lo and behold, I’ve had time to think.

I have a dear friend who worries about me. I love that anyone thinks of me but this friend goes above and beyond in caring for me and well yes, he’s concerned about my progress, understandably so. 

I was moving along so nicely, appeared to be healing at record speed then BAM! It seemed to halt. What on earth happened? I tried analyzing and over analyzing but in time (God's time) I figured it out. A raging wind came that’s what happened, tossing me about to and fro.

Mark 6:48 “And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them, walking upon the sea, and would have passed by them.”

Did you ever notice that when you pray, you sometimes (mostly all the time) have to wait for an answer? Some of the time we don’t get the answer we want because we hastily let our minds go to work instead of allowing God to do His job. Yup, that was me. As much as I say I’m listening to God, I strayed off course because I wanted things done in my time!

MS Word keeps crashing. Let's try again.

Nebraska doesn’t have the tumultuous waters but it does have the horrendous gusting winds to either push or halt me in its path. I was sailing along enjoying my journey, patting myself on the back, admiring my own strength, and could actually see and feel a healing taking place as I soared. Then the winds came and stopped me and my ego in its tracks.

Well, it was morning when I tried writing, it is now afternoon and the zone has closed. I hope I can get back to the point I was trying to make if this gives me a chance. I notice whenever I try saying how good God is, something causes this to crash and it was crashing like mad this morning but now I’ve gotten more than five sentences in without a crash. I know as soon as I get in the zone it will crash, or some higher force in the realm of my computer's insides is fixing the little hidden bugs that are trying to keep me from writing.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah…getting the wind knocked out of me by the gusty winds. I was soaring along in my healing when I suddenly got the wind knocked out of me but the unseen force was more my arrogance, in hindsight. I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong and I can blame the wheat bread, the gluten, the one time cheat but I knew deep down none of that was the cause. 

I prayed. For months I prayed and while I wanted an answer pronto as I kept writing, and my concerned friend kept asking, I was at a loss why I was not getting the response I wanted or the time frame I wanted. Well, because GOD IS IN CONTROL, not me and He’ll respond when HE is good and ready. I need to learn patience! And it would do good if my friends knew patience as well. [winkwink]

Last week when I had my mowing spree and I even weed whacked; my underarm started hurting, quite specifically my lymph node on the side of the tumor. It had been showing signs of swelling and I just thought oh great add a thunderstorm to the mix of pain. As the sea swelled and I was being tossed around, pain, cane, back, everything swirled and swirled around me and I was just ready to give up and eat whatever I want and give up on this whole protocol thing. Put me in a hospice and let me go. 

I didn’t bail on my protocol, or on the rough seas churning about, I continued to paddle against the wind. I looked up on google ‘pain in lymph nodes' the other night and was reminded (I covered this when I was first diagnosed) that the lymph nodes are our defense mechanism. If they are swelled then they are in there kicking butt against an invading illness.

Google response: “Lymph nodes become swollen in response to illness, infection, or stress. Swollen lymph nodes are one sign that your lymphatic system is working to rid your body of the responsible agents.”

Last year upon diagnosis, I was told they were going to slice this tumor out of my breast and take some lymph nodes with it. Can you imagine? Had they taken my lymph nodes, I have nothing in my immune system fighting FOR me, they would destroy a portion of me that I NEEDED to heal!

Did you ever notice that when you pray, you sometimes (mostly all the time) have to wait for an answer? Some of the time we don’t get the answer we want because we hastily let our minds go to work instead of allowing God to do His job. Yup, that was me. As much as I say I’m listening to God, I strayed off course because I wanted things done in my time!

When I checked out lymph nodes on google and as I already knew, lymph nodes are a defense mechanism. My swelled nodes had me concerned and my husband of course worries with every pain I have so I try not to tell anyone anything because they read too much into it and want a hasty healing, not the slow one that the CANCER seas are going to take a person on. It is what it is, my friends, cancer is ugly no matter what route you take on the healing journey. This illness can't just be prayed away, or expected to miraculously disappear.

What causes lymph nodes to swell? I repeat! Google says: "Lymph nodes become swollen in response to illness, infection, or stress. Swollen lymph nodes are one sign that your lymphatic system is working to rid your body of the responsible agents." 

Read that people! LYMPHATIC SYSTEM WORKING TO RID THE BODY of [FOREIGN AGENTS]. My lymph nodes that doctors wanted to take away are in there FIGHTING FOR ME! Had they taken them away, I'd have nothing to defend me against this crud. My immune system would be shot, my nodes gone, and I'd be disfigured, more than the forty-seven pounds of weight loss has granted me. 

My Bible Gateway email this [yesterday]morning spoke directly to me! I was carried away by the storm not seeing the full picture.

Mind you that all this week the emails were about college or kids getting out of school etc. etc, but this [yesterday] morning it was targeted RIGHT AT ME! While I'm out here in the midst of a storm, Jesus hasn't forgotten about me, no not at all, He's right here WITH me! Imagine how foolish I felt when I'm always telling everyone else to have patience then realize I wasn't being patient myself! I was just as eager as you to see this crud OVER and DONE WITH! 

My prayers were answered in this little email and in prayer. God is still with me and has been all along! No, the crud is not over and done with, we still have a long way to go but the one thing I can say is that through the back-breaking daily pain, through every step with my cane, I know God is with me as I heal! The first half of my journey, when I was walking and soaring, was what the finished product will look like. Now, this half of the journey is the pain and suffering I must endure, the cross I must carry. Imagine if the first leg of the journey was all pain and suffering. I may have never made it to the second or third part of the journey. I would've given up! Allowed fear and negativity to show me the way. Now that I know what I'll look like healed I am all the more determined to see this through to the end. 

God works in mysterious ways, my friends. Trust and patience are the tools to see you through. I am no longer sailing against the winds. I'm riding along with them, and am at a place where I am SUPPOSED to be; not where everyone thinks I should be, or where I WANT to be, but where God has positioned me, in His time! 

All praise and Glory to God! 

 Isaiah 41:10 (NIV), “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

The Struggle Is Real

Prov. 16:1 (NIV) “To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the proper answer of the tongue.”

The struggle is real...

In the past year since my diagnosis, I have a totally different perspective on life, as you can imagine. I don’t live aligned to the world like everyone else, eating what I want and not caring about my health because simply put, my inner health is as vital as my outer health. The sooner we all learn that, the more in tune we’ll be with the God within. 

I was a lot like you all in that I ate what I wanted whether it was unknowingly toxic or not (ie: fluoride in drinking water, microwaving plastics, processed food, and GMO food) I ate what I wanted and didn’t care if it was killing me. Food tasted good and everyone else was doing it and they ‘appeared’ healthy, somewhat overweight (is that healthy?) but appearing like all was right in their world, health-wise and otherwise.

Then it hit me, I have the disease everyone dreads hearing from their doctor. The fear-of-death laden diagnosis came out of left field, but if truth be told, I knew cancer was a possibility but I did NOTHING to prevent it. I was swimming along with the school of fish enjoying the plastic and oil spills being dumped into my living space; I didn’t care, like you, I just did not care!

Please, don’t tell me that you care about what you eat and drink and what goes in your body. Don’t tell me you care about yourself while slowly killing yourself. What you can do is jump on the scale and look me directly in the eye and say, ‘I am healthy and where I (and my doctor) want me to be! I CARE about Me!’ I wasn’t even overweight and I told myself that on a daily basis, and look at me now. I know the struggle and the struggle is REAL!

I came out from under my rock and peeked around at the world and it is not at all what I remember or care to see. I asked God a few things and this [similar] post popped up on my newsfeed on facebook.

A reworded, rearranged meme: 

God Said No

“I asked God to take away my nasty habits. 
He said NO. It’s not for me to take away but for you to give up. 
I asked God to make my handicapped body whole again.
He said NO. Your Spirit is whole and your body is only temporary. 
I asked for patience and he said patience is a byproduct of tribulations, it isn’t granted, it is learned.
I asked for happiness and He gave me blessings,  my happiness is up to me. 
I asked for my pain to be spared and He said NO, pain draws me AWAY from the world and brings me closer to Him! 
I asked Him to help me grow. He said No, I'll prune you so you’ll be fruitful. 
I asked God for all things to enjoy this life and He said NO, I’ll give you LIFE so that you may enjoy all things. 
I asked God to help me LOVE others and not be judgmental. Again I was told that is for me to learn so I can count every day as a blessing.

Sometimes we ask for so many of the wrong things in our walk of life. Our eyes are not turned toward God but away from Him and focused on the things of this world that pleases our eyes. When you are so consumed with the world, you shouldn’t make fun of others who have God as their focus. I'd like to help you, but again, you don't CARE to help yourself, so my words fail to you. I don’t make fun of you as you’re consumed with food, media, and the world that a box presents to you. I accept that we're all different. So please, don't make fun of me!

While others are consumed with life and living I’m consumed with dying and where I want to go afterward. My daily consumption is the Word and all that He is preparing me for. I won’t go from this world to the next with nasty smelling baggage. When I was consumed with the world it got me nowhere but sickness, illness, and destruction. 

While someone might find it okay to tell me to go back under my rock as I’m in the throes of fighting cancer, I have to accept that being hurtful is the new norm from a world gone wrong. I peek out momentarily from ‘under my rock’ as was so inconsiderately spoken, and I see a world consumed with food, gossip, media headlines, and fantasy. And nothing of God dribbles from their mouths. Oh, on occasion they utter a word or two to God to make themselves feel good but really, is that what this life is all about nowadays?

Not for me. These days I HAVE to be consumed with God because my perspective on life has changed quite dramatically over the last year. I don’t live on the playground with other kids, frolicking in the physical toxins that deplete life, I am living in the Spirit-filled world where the bountiful beauty resides in nature. I am me, you are you. If you are happy with who and what you are then KUDOS to you and your accomplishments. Now respect me enough to allow me to dawdle in what makes ME happy, and that is God! 

The struggle is real! This is the time that God says YES! 

Job 31:5-6 “If I have walked with vanity, or if my foot hath hasted to deceit; Let me be weighed in an even balance, that God may know mine integrity.”

Pss. 9:2 “I will be glad and rejoice in thee: I will sing praise to thy name, O thou most High.”

Just Some Thoughts

Pss. 16:11 “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” 

Just a long note of thoughts…

I am still out here in the throes of pain and the end of it not in sight any time soon. I again wish I could just blink it all away but again, my time is not His time and that is what holds my keys to my sanity these days. My riding lawn mower will allow me to see the property and actually feel like I’m accomplishing something in each day, something besides the tedious mundane chore of cooking a meal or washing clothes. 

I haven’t been to WalMart in quite a few weeks and have allowed hubby to do all the shopping. The things I put this man through, I could just sit for hours and cry but I won’t because I know his love for me is deep and he does everything for me with endearing love. And we both know I’m on the slow road to healing, it’s just taking its good ol' time.

I finally got the chance to use my new mower last week since we had to return Murray the mower because his breaking down twice in one week was a sign that he was the little mower that couldn’t. He was made very cheap even though the sticker said MADE IN AMERICA, showed the little guy wasn’t up to par. Makes one wonder. The sun finally came out after the many damp and darkened days.

We returned Murray with no problem and my hubby just paid the extra money for a better mower at a different place. To someone else a hundred dollars or so is nothing; to me, it’s a million. What the heck, if you’re going into debt for a little, why not go into debt for a lot? I think he felt secure going into debt for this mower knowing my supplements are all up to date for at least another two months, so far. I have an amazing donor that helps keep my supply full allowing my hubby a little leeway in purchasing a riding mower (or organic foods) for me so he can see me happy this summer in some small way; to me, it is a big way!  

I did get out of the house last Tuesday by taking my hubby to the movies to see the new Avengers flick. I had money left from my birthday (shows how often I get out, right?) and he was willing to pay for it but I demanded it to be a DATE, a gift from me for our anniversary, for all he’s done for me! He knows I don’t care for Marvel movies so this was a true extension of what I’d do to show him how much I love and appreciated all that he’s done for me. 

It wasn’t a horrible movie but the incline going into the movie tripped me up (no I didn’t have my cane) and a muscle in my left leg screamed in pain, but I endured, for love. All in all it was a good day!

When Wednesday came and the sunshine was blazing I finally got the chance to ride my new mower Cubby! I finished my entire lawn in one hour compared to the four hours of back-breaking work with the push mower in previous years.

I haven’t been feeling too confident lately but getting out and mowing made me feel like a champ! I was recently berated by the BC group of women for reiterating something I said in one post. A lady lashed out with insults saying, “SOME PEOPLE, [me] always need to have the last word.” And went on saying something about my ego. I was insulted and left in peace with my head hung low and my tail between my legs but it was too late, the mud had been slung, was drying and hardening.

It’s weird, the only people in the group are women fighting breast cancer NATURALLY and we ALL know how sensitive each one is, but these ladies think their horse is higher and better than the lower mule riders like myself. Even the administrator was disagreeing with my link because it didn’t align with her links. Her protocol is right and everyone else’s protocol is wrong. She claimed I was misleading the women because HER links provided FACTS mine were different, even though I got the link from the very source she was touting, The Truth About Cancer. [Scratching my head] I was only trying to help and instead got insulted and hurt. All is okay though because by the end of the week another lady joined the group, Beth Misner, who healed her and her husband’s cancer within a year. It turns out I was right about the link I had posted, glutamine MIGHT NOT be good for this disease. Thank you, Jesus, for clarification!

I’m going to sit in my cubby hole awhile and think about my next step in the plan of winning on the road of this disease. Ironic that I named my [Cub Cadet] mower Cubby the very week I’m relinquished to a cubbyhole of sorts. Now that the rain showers came and darkened the finish to the week, and did so in a three-day spree of fifty-degree temps with lightning and thunder!

Then there’s my mother who very much still yearns for my dad who passed away in October of 2015. Her loneliness is understandable since she was married to him for sixty years. She isolated herself for those years to only living for him since she was a child of seventeen and now she is alone without her helpmeet. On Sunday, Mother’s Day, her parting words to me were, “Live every day like it was your last because you might not be here next year.” She has no idea I have cancer. In the midst of her heartache, her words were aimed at me but meant for her. I understand; I have to, right?

I’m feeling better going into this week and maybe I can write some more this week as the showers let up and the summer like temps resurface. No Spring this year, just summer! This was a longer note of thoughts than I expected but you get my meaning, life goes on in these parts and every day is a trial, and every waking day is a success. 

May the God of peace wash over you all! 

Godspeed!

Philippians 1:6 (NIV) “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” 

Poetry Sunday ~ I Am Here

Jer. 23:4 “And I will set up shepherds over them which shall feed them: and they shall fear no more, nor be dismayed, neither shall they be lacking, saith the LORD.”

I am here

I am here Lord thirsting for your presence

Carry me away in the fruit of your essence

I am here

I am here

I am here to bask in your radiant light

Bathed by your breath in the midst of my fight

I am here

I am here

I am here Lord with the door open wide

Waiting for your touch to fill me inside

I am here

I am here

I am here with you Lord my arms raised high

I worship you Father with every tear that I cry

I am here 

I am here

I am here like a shepherd that sheep will follow

I am also the carcass all empty and hollow

I am here

I am here

I am here waiting for you to carry me home

To the place where shepherds and sheep freely roam

We are here

We are here

All praise and Glory to God!

Matt. 9:36 "But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd."

What Portion Do You Believe

Pss 103:3 “Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;”

If you’re a believer, then you believe without seeing. You believe because you read your bible and you believe the Word to be the truth. But how many believe that it is the full truth? Or do you only believe in portions? You believe God created the world, that Moses parted the sea, you believe Jesus rose from the dead, was it because the bible told you? You sit there believing He’s coming back again. But you have trouble believing Pss.103:3 where the bible states: “Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;”

It says he heals ALL thy diseases but we only trust Him to heal a few? That to me makes no sense. People can tell me until their blue in the face that ‘we need doctor’s to heal us’, but in my eyes, doctors are for treating symptoms never really addressing the underlying CAUSE. I believe God is the healer of the cause. You might find that one rare doctor who is willing to assist you in finding the cause but essentially it is up to you and God whether you find actual true healing. Maybe your doctor is guiding you in the right direction but I myself don’t believe God is a God of drugs.

“Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;” If you don’t believe He heals ALL diseases, in my eyes, you only believe a portion of the bible. It is so hard to truly trust the Word because we’ve been so conditioned to believe man for all he says and all that he offers. We take his word at face value and it holds solidity to our belief system. Then and only then do we truly rely on God’s word to heal ALL of our diseases. 

You might believe wisdom comes from man but wisdom cannot come from man it can only come from GOD! You might glean knowledge from books but wisdom to discern is solely from God; from the Spirit that dwells in you, the same Spirit that has you trusting in Him completely. Either the bible is true or it’s not. I don’t believe the bible lies in some places and suddenly exhibits truth in other places. Either the entire bible is the truth or none of it at all.

I mentioned yesterday that disease is first spiritual in nature not physical. This statement might need some clarification. Some children are born with diseases; obviously, they had no mind to spiritually bring about disease upon themselves. It is quite obvious that the environment, the foods that no one knew were toxic, the metals, the inoculations that toyed with our very cells all were in there playing a part of what makes our insides tick. Scientifically, DNA plays a small part meaning what your mom and dad did (ate, drank, breathed) formed the very strands that brought you to life.

I’m speaking of the cause of your (my) own disease; by holding tightly to false beliefs (fear, doubt, and shame) it enabled an attack that neither you or I were ready for. Anxiety, at a very young age, started us on the path of fear that you (and I) began and no drug is going to take away what we spiritually placed on our path. God did not place fear and anxiety on our path, God is not to blame for a disease taking over your body, only WE can blame OURSELVES for the CAUSE of any illness that holds us captive.

I think what happens with our anxiety and depression, mine anyway, is that we dwell and linger. We linger in past places that hold us prisoner and sometimes we’re not willing to let go because we’d rather remain bitter and angry than find healing; at least that’s what we tell ourselves. Yes, that was me for YEARS, for most of my life.

This disease that I brought upon myself basically is my wake-up call telling me it is time to change now or I will die. I can’t read myself into a healing place. I can’t keep telling you over and over of the bad things that happened in my life because that is my way of clinging to what little memories I have. I have to honestly and truthfully let it go! Reiterating my pain over and over is a way of not releasing the very things that got me to this point in my disease and remaining a prisoner of the past.

I know I’ve spiritually found a healing place. I sent my anxious thoughts away and replaced them with good positive memories. Here’s an example, on the 26th of April my daughter would have been fourteen years old. In previous years the grief strangled me to tears and led me to rehash her death over and over. The same goes for my son who would’ve turned 35 years old in December. This year was different, I only thought good of her and him and when my mother wanted to rehash the past I point blank told her, I’ve dealt with that pain already, I really have let it go, so please stop rehashing. I’m glad she remembers my son and daughter whom neither of us had a chance to know, but I don’t cling to that part of my past anymore. I’m in a healing point and it feels better than all years before!

I’m healing from the emotional baggage of a previous marriage. I’m healing from the child abuse, the molestation, I’m healing where things clung and tightly held on, and I’m releasing them from my present. This disease isn’t just about what has my cells in an uproar, it’s about forgiving all the wrongs in my past and not just at face value. I cannot heal just a portion of my soul just as I cannot believe just a portion of the bible. 

I myself cause my stress and anxiety by clinging to the embedded emotions that have no right dwelling in my being anymore. Being around positive influential people bring about a healing presence just as the negative influences bring about the non-healing ability. If you find yourself never healing from emotional stress, you’re not releasing the whole portion of events; you’re still clinging to the past. Don’t blame the medicine for not working. Don’t blame someone else for your retentive behavior because we are the sole heirs of who to blame. Our parents, siblings, and exes may shoulder some of the blame but they are not the reason we are so determined to allow the occasions to destroy our immunity.

You know, I hadn’t thought that my internal loving relationship with God could grow any further. I had become comfortable in my reading and believing and practically complacent with all I have learned over the years. Sometimes we think that memorizing scripture will bring us closer to God, or reading and studying so hard we forget what we came to the Word for. We came to learn and GROW right? Not to sit like an idle robot in one place repeating the same actions over and over again. No, to heal we need to understand the health benefits of the Living Water flowing through our veins on a different level that will carry us to our healing spot. The area where the past has no bars and the pasture is an open fortress to gaze at, not take up residence with. 

I am choosing to heal by believing the full portion of the Word in its entirety, not just a small portion. He said He will heal and I believe Him. He said He will return and I believe Him. I know I’m listening to God and not the enemy. How do I know it is God speaking to me and guiding me? Because He said so!

All praise and Glory to God! 

John 10:9 “I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.”

John 10 is a very powerful scripture in its entirety.

His Time

Pss. 103:3 “Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;”

In His time, not my time!

All of last year I seemed to be soaring in the healing department. I was walking with no pain, a copious amount of sleep and nary a bout of muscle pain. I had always heard the term ‘no pain, no gain’ in the world of fitness meaning you have to feel the pain to gain the insight and strength to lose the pounds (or in my case the dis-ease) you want. But here I was exuberant because I got the chance to forgo the pain and soar right onto healing. That’s not how it works, my friends. 

It’s ironic that had I gone the chemo route I would have been expected to suffer, for a year or more of treatment, surgery and draining negative talks with doctors, slice, dice, pokes and prods all leading to an insane amount of pain and non-healing. Did you know that the ancient Greek word for "pharmacy" means "witch" or "witchcraft"? I have read that the root meaning can also mean "poison". Why is this an acceptable form of so-called healing?

But when you go the route of God and natural healing you’re expected to heal in the genies blink of an eye and show the world how almighty powerful He is against sorcery and witchcraft. I honestly think too many people live in a fantasy world when living the life of a Christian. They read but don’t understand. They listen but never hear. They ignore the truth and expect – yes expect --  a miracle to take place instantaneously!

2 Cor. 12:9 (NIV) “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 

Yes, God has the power to instantaneously heal, but where is the learning, where is the understanding, where is the weakness? This day and age as we look out at the world, we can see that God is at a standstill when it comes to the humans and their disobedience. He has allowed us to learn from the mistakes we’ve made over the years but instead of learning, we are stomping on all that we were taught. People think they can do what they want and handle things the way they do and go to God as let’s say, the ‘backup’.

God does not take lightly to being the backup plan when things go wrong. When he says ‘trust in Me’, ‘have faith’, He means just that but today people don’t know what that means and so they use Him as the backup if things go wrong. They never really trust or have faith and that is the very thing that has made the condition of the world what it is because of lack of faith.

All action is dependent on belief. When you don’t fully rely on God you are leaning on your own understanding and building up walls of anxiety, worry, and stress. The Lord says we’re to be anxious for nothing. God expects us to not go to ‘people’ for truth. Did Jesus follow people or did people follow Jesus? Was He one of many or one of a few?

1Thess. 2:13 “For this cause also thank we God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually worketh also in you that believe.”

Wisdom cannot come from man it can only come from GOD! So here is what I’ve taken on when refusing the chemo route. I’m walking with God and working to rebuild my immune system. Disease and illness is not something God does to you. He did not give me cancer, I and my lack of caring for my health gave me cancer. I’ll say it again, DNA is only a small portion of the reason I have what I have. Unhealthy eating is the very reasons we will ALL experience illness in our lifetime.

1 Cor. 3:18-21 “Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness. And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain. Therefore let no man glory in men. For all things are yours;”

God created all of the scientific principles that science wants us to adhere to but when we turn to God, science wants us to toss God out of the equation. That is just wrong to me. Do you realize that the American Cancer Society would have to disband if ever there was a cure? Billions of dollars would fall out of the hands of 'pharma', 'witchery', 'poison' plan. I'll use God’s health plan. And as such, the alternative treatment and headway are tossed out as quackery never giving healthy living a chance in the trial-n-error stage because we’re taught that food and nutrition have nothing to do with your health and imminent illness.

When I seemingly had a setback in December, boy did people expect me just to bounce back with a tweak to my diet. What they don’t realize is that my trials are not that snappy and that is not how God works. I have to have PAIN and SUFFERING to be FREED from this disease. Just soaring into healing with no pain will gain me nothing but an ego. I’ll feel accomplished and above all others and THAT is not what I’m here to learn and gain. That is not God's plan!

Deut. 7:15 “And the LORD will take away from thee all sickness, and will put none of the evil diseases of Egypt, which thou knowest, upon thee; but will lay them upon all them that hate thee.”

Your disease is as much spiritual as it is physical. YOU and your thoughts are the cause of your anxiety and illnesses. You began early on in life on a path of fear and anxiousness (stress) and no drug is going to take away what you spiritually placed on your path. We keep treating the symptoms of these diseases and never take on treating the underlying CAUSE. I chose God’s natural health plan for myself. In my quest, I study, research, learn and grow but not without PAIN and struggle.

I need you all to know that impatience and doubt is not what I carry. I don’t expect instantaneous results when healing. I don’t want this to be a journey of ease. I want it to be the journey that He’s led me to; a journey of FAITH and TRUST. Is the walk easy? By no means! His time is not our time and we need to have the utmost faith in that, if you don’t then your journey may get a little more painful than mine, imagine that.

Prov. 31:26 "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness."

It's Hard...

Pss. 63:8 “My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me.” 

It’s Hard…

As you know I haven’t written in awhile and many of my friends might be wondering how I’m doing. A meme on Facebook wishing you a good day doesn’t tell you, a meme exclaiming all is right with the world is not a picture in my window that all is well and a meme certainly can’t carry the pain I have on a daily basis. 

I’ve stopped complaining about the cold, wind and snow that left the trees bare right up until this week when we did a leap into summer, no spring, right into summer. We were in the thirties and forties two weeks ago, then bam the eighties. That is not a complaint by any means but it kind of throws you into the unpreparedness of the seasons.

All I have in my wardrobe is turtlenecks and fuzzy socks and they don’t bode well for eighty-degree heat. I have pants that don’t fit, shirts that drape me, and pains that won’t leave me. At one hundred pounds even my size six jeans is too big so now I don’t even have shorts for the summer. I have tennis shoes and sandals but I prefer wearing clothes as to not scare anyone from looking at this skeleton of a body. 

I’m slowly changing up my protocol, I’ve gone gluten-free so I can eat food, but nothing seems to be working these days, and I think my PH is so wonkey, that it is keeping me in the disabled column. The extremely cold horrendous snowy winter was not a friend to my illness in any way.

Then there is the grass that finally turned green and with days on end of clouds and some rain, the grass began rapidly springing up like a time-lapse show of growth. Then there was the thought of mowing; that was my summertime pleasure. I knew in this condition, my summer would be spent in the house and no pushing the lawn mower from one row of overgrown grass to the next. I more than likely would just be sitting at the window watching it grow as the world outside the window went on around me.

Yes, I do have a husband and a son who are more than capable of mowing but my son works about forty-five hours a week and my husband’s schedule has changed to five days a week. Granted he only works five hours a day but no one feels like coming home, after being on your feet for hours on end, to mow the lawn now, do they?

I had been asking for a riding mower for the nine years that we’ve lived here but it was just not feasible on a part-time salary and only one person working. It was on my bucket list of things to do before I die, own a riding mower. Yeah, that’s sad, mowing makes me that happy. 

When we first moved here the owner had a really nice riding mower and I took care of all three properties for four hours a day. Each week a new set of growth sprung up keeping me happy and busy until the belt broke, and the owner never got the machine fixed. He didn’t care; he’s a millionaire and doesn’t have to look at the three-foot-high grass. Hubby’s mom gave us an old faithful rusted up push mower that lasted until a few years ago when it finally went kaput! Even then we’d thought of a riding mower but illnesses kept it out of the budget. A newer push mower was affordable, somewhat.

Now this year I’m faced with an illness that should’ve kept the option of a riding mower out of the equation but I can smell my husband’s fear. It's hard; he’s trying so hard to be supportive and he even tried giving up sugar and cigarettes for me but fear won out. Not everyone is as strong as I am and I totally understand where he is coming from. I think everyone has some small measure of fear in the back of their minds that this just isn’t going to work. No one has DARED voiced those sentiments but instinctively I sense the emotions.

On Thursday, the third of May, he let me know he was stopping by Walmart for a hitch for his truck (I thought he already had one). I assumed the hitch was for a trailer so he could take his mother a bench he made for her for Mother’s Day. When he got home and I prodded him for information he announced he needed to find a trailer for a riding lawn mower he was purchasing. I cried. Tears of joy leaked down my cheek and a faucet full of tears came streaming down. 

I told him, “Don’t you dare tease me!” He assured me he wasn’t. I asked if he could get it delivered and he announced that they wanted $250 for delivery. He called around asking if anyone had a trailer, his brothers' trailer had bad tires. I was calling around asking to borrow money but to no avail, maybe the rider wasn’t in the cards. 

Friday morning came and when the small trailer his brother-in-law had was just that, too small, he decided to go rent one. Not realizing how cheap the rental was, after a lot of running around from store to store, he finally arrived at Walmart to pick up the floor model riding lawn mower to deliver to my waiting heart.

When he pulled up with the mower I couldn’t stop the tears. I was visualizing the many hours of enjoyment on the mower and how my husband went above and beyond to see me happy even by going in debt to own this machine that was now lighting my face with tears of happiness.

After about twenty minutes of the how-to’s, I was well on my way to mowing my lawn! He took the trailer back and left me alone with my new friend, Murray the mower; not a John Deere, or a Craftsman but Murray was MINE, all mine!!!!

When he returned home half of my lawn was already mowed. It’s a big lawn and I had to save myself some to cut the next day. I parked the mower right outside my window so I could wake the next day and see that it all wasn’t just a dream.

While walking and maneuvering might be hard this summer, mowing my lawn will NOT be a problem for any of us. Life is hard all around, not just for me, for everyone. My petty annoyances are nothing to what some other people have to go through. I am blessed to be alive, I cherish every moment I get, and I’m most thankful for a husband who loves me more than the sun shines, the earth spins and flowers bloom! (But no, not more than pork chops)

Be blessed and be grateful! God created it and it was good!

Quotation Saturday ~ Faith ~ Strong

Rom 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

FAITH

“When God is going to do something wonderful, He or She always starts with a hardship; when God is going to do something amazing, He or She starts with an impossibility. ” 
― Anne Lamott

“Radical obedience to Christ is not easy... It's not comfort, not health, not wealth, and not prosperity in this world. Radical obedience to Christ risks losing all these things. But in the end, such risk finds its reward in Christ. And he is more than enough for us.” 
― David Platt

“Having faith in God did not mean sitting back and doing nothing. It meant believing you would find success if you did your best honestly and energetically.” 
― Ken Follett

“In order to have faith in his own path, he does not need to prove that someone else's path is wrong.” 
― Paulo Coelho

PROMISE

“Men promise freedom while establishing laws; God promises laws while establishing freedom.” 
― Criss Jami

“Make a promise to yourself that you will always choose growth over safe and dreams over fear.” 
― Brittany Burgunder

“Love meant hope. Without love, life held no promise.” 
― Christie Craig

“The promise you attract is determined by what you seek” 
― Sunday Adelaja

HEALING

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.” 
― David Richo

“Poetry heals the wounds inflicted by reason.” 
― Novalis

STRONG

“The one who falls and gets up is stronger than the one who never tried. Do not fear failure but rather fear not trying.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

“She made broken look beautiful
and strong look invincible.
She walked with the Universe
on her shoulders and made it
look like a pair of wings.” 
― Ariana Dancu

“So he tasted the deep pain that is reserved only for the strong, just as he had tasted for a little while the deep happiness.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

“My scars remind me that I did indeed survive my deepest wounds. That in itself is an accomplishment. And they bring to mind something else, too. They remind me that the damage life has inflicted on me has, in many places, left me stronger and more resilient. What hurt me in the past has actually made me better equipped to face the present.” 
― Steve Goodier