The Bombardment: Doubt and Fear

Baltimore, Maryland - Fort McHenry

The Star Spangled Banner was written out there

Pss. 57:6 “They have prepared a net for my steps; my soul is bowed down: they have digged a pit before me, into the midst whereof they are fallen themselves. Selah.”

This week and last week I’ve been hit with a bombardment of emotions. I’d wake in the morning to tears, look out the window and all I saw was a dense fog, so deep there was no seeing a light, a blade of dead grass or even a winterized tree, just deep snow packed lawn, fields and a mist.

It all began as a flurry of uncertainty the minute I accepted chemo as a way to heal this crud. If you all have been with me throughout this ordeal you’ll know I’m dead set against chemo (no pun intended) as this being any form of healing. I see chemo as a death sentence and I can’t get past this unnerving grating feeling deep inside me.

At the beginning of this trial, the only family member I told was my niece. She was the only one I trusted to care. My hubby told his family also. I had expected care and compassion to crawl out of the woodwork but say the words ‘alternative’ to a conservative nation, you’re going to be met with a bombardment of questions and doubts and a sort of wall to be built that you’re not allowed over. All negativity I tried to avoid came creeping in, in unexpected ways! 

Here I am two years into this affliction and I’ve grown and have learned so much! My diet was never bad, I’ve been 125 -135 pounds since I was in my twenties. I didn’t keep that weight because I pigged out on all the wrong foods with no exercise. No, I pretty much cared for my health until about five years ago when living in a carnivorous world finally caught up to me. All the meat and potatoes could not be excreted quick enough with exercise, that’s for sure! But two years ago, with this diagnosis, I dove into research on natural treatments and possible cures for one of the deadliest diseases that in over one-hundred years has found no CURE! 

I found that a plant-based diet and supplementation could be the secret to healing and in two years, I’ve witnessed the success of MANY women going this route. No surgery, no chemo, no drugs, just the fruits of the earth to replenish their damaged body. I tried that route and was succeeding until last year when my world came crashing down. I realized I needed more than the food and supplements to get through this and it was the only reason I tried Oral Chemo.

What I was not expecting is finding a doctor I liked (finally) and being met with lies and fear tactics. The first doozy came in the way of telling me I should focus on the tumor/lesion on my brain. “OOPS, I must’ve been reading the wrong file, sorry.” There was no tumor, that was just a fear tactic to get me to jump into chemotherapy! Then there were the months he told me my markers were going down when in FACT they were rising! 

Assuming once again I’d jump into chemo, “Stop taking your meds, they’re not working!” 

I stopped taking my meds, I didn’t jump into chemo, then the disease started gnawing at my bones! I could FEEL it, chomping and weakening me. Doc says, “Now start taking your meds again until we get in here and get the poison in your veins to fight the battle.” 

All of the hard work I did at building up my strength in physical therapy was dwindling. I at one time was the champ of the place, meeting and exceeding my goals but just yesterday I came home and could hardly bend my knee. I climbed into bed and wrapped ice packs at different parts of my leg.

Last week I hit rock bottom. Feeling isolated and alone. Everyone seemingly has abandoned me except for my husband, son, my Physical Therapists and my loving Spiritual Online family. They are my anchors in getting me through this. Whether it’s through faith, religion, or just a positive presence, these people are the ones I’ll credit with any healing that takes place!  

I’ll be the first to admit, in all honesty, I even felt like God bailed on me. I’m just dangling on the end of this thread and it’s about to snap but luckily I’m grotesquely underweight that even a thread can hold me. Doubt and fear knocked on my door and like a fool, I let it walk right on in. 

I fear the chemo won’t work. I doubt that it is the cure all I seek. The doctor tells me of a lady who has been on Herceptin for TWENTY YEARS, and she’s still alive. And I’m supposed to find hope in that? I don’t! I will not be on this poison for one year let alone ten or twenty. That’s ridiculous! I’m concerned that the chemo, as I’ve read in all of my research, will destroy my immune system. For two years I have worked to build up my immune system! As I watch friends get sick month after month with a cold, flu, and any other illness, I’ve been the picture of health except for this one debilitating illness. I actually care about living and work my tail off to secure my strong immunity, now is chemo going to come in and destroy all I worked to build up? Am I going to lose MORE weight? How much can this tiny frail body take?

Again, feeling abandoned, I prayed. In the wee hours of the morning, for hours, I prayed. I woke to this message:

Prov. 13:12 (ESV) “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” 

That is exactly what happened with all the talk about chemo. It brought in negativity that I didn’t know how to deal with. I’ve shunned negativity for so long when it beats me over the head, I think it’s personal and wants to fight. I think that’s the city girl in me, always ready to battle. Chemo knocked all my hope out the door. 

So what is my desire? To live! I don’t want to live until I’m ninety, but a good seventy-five - eighty would be nice. There’s my hope, right there! 

The realization of HAVING to go the chemo route is this. My diet and exercise can only save so much of me. I live within one-hundred yards of a substation, an element that cannot be removed from this healing equation. Move? Not an option, it’s Nebraska, substations are a part of life. Money would help too, then I could move. Then there are crop dusters, dropping poison on the crops to save the crop from bugs while damaging humans in the process. Such is life, I’m surrounded by fields and fields of crop dusters. I also have dealt with black mold for the ten years here. Then there is the chronic illness I’ve had all of my life and that is psoriasis. Sure supplementation has put it to sleep over the years but I do deal with flare-ups on occasion. 

I’ve been back on my plant-based diet for about three weeks now. I will continue exercising as long as my broken body and weakened limbs allow. I'll continue to meditate and pray. I’ll waltz down the organic route, the non-chemical use of body lotions and sprays, shampoos and soaps. I’ll pursue doing my part of the healing, God will do His part in protecting me, and my family will continue doing what they do, live in a toxic world right along with me.

I will wake every day and see hope in the hopeless. I will pound through these doubts and fears. Next week will come and instead of tears, I will hold hope instead of kleenex. A smile in place of a frown. Joy instead of sorrow.  I heard yesterday someone say that the simplest form of bravery is choosing to wake and take a step. How true is that?

May God bless you all in the steps that you choose to take.

The Fear Factor

1 Sam. 17:34 "And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:"

I realize there is something inside me that helps me overcome so many hurdles; I have the strength of a lion and the gentleness of a lamb. When you come face to face with a lion ( a rare event for sure), I'm sure you're instilled with fear. The fear factor is something that rules everyone, even though they don't know it has washed over them or that the feeling has saturated their souls.

Let me ask, when you're faced with a diagnosis from a doctor, you know that tingling you get in your heartbeat where it feels as though it has stopped but you know it didn't because you're still alive, as you feel the rapid rhythm pulsating in your chest? Your brow breaks out in beads of sweat, your palms become clammy as you wait for a prognosis; that there is fear, fear of the worst-case scenario. 

I don't think anyone goes into the doctors' office with the faith that all is well. You walk in out of fear. Most people don't even go to the doctor because of fear but by the time you've made it to his doorstep, you're carrying fear in there with you. Why? Because you know full well you haven't taken care of yourself. You know deep down the neglectful years are finally going to catch up with you.

When I finally went to the doctor because of 'a lump', I instinctively knew what was going to be said. I had done all of the google searches that aimed me in the 'most likely not' direction, but the final diagnosis became 'the worst case scenario'. Fear drove me home that day, fear tried to wake up with me the next day but the little lamb in me came and nestled in my heart as a comforting blanket of wool in a much needed time of cold despair.

I remember a few years ago when we visited an animal sanctuary and I came face to face with a lion! I actually stood in a cage of tigers and was allowed to pet one. Can you say that you've ever done THAT in your life? No, not many people can. The lion was big and fierce but he was wounded and neglected, that is why he was in the sanctuary, to save his life from years of neglect. Rory was finally getting the help he needed in the saviors at the animal sanctuary. As we came eye to eye, neither of us feared; we were both sizing one another up but as I went to pet him he let me know why he was the king of the forest with a loud roar and a snap at my finger. At that time he urinated on me in a spray and our uncle giggled and said, "That'll happen when they want to mark you." I wasn't laughing but I did find it cool to later that day go back and tell my friends that a lion had 'delivered me', I mean, peed on me. 

1 Sam. 17:37 "David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee."

When I was diagnosed with the Big C, I feared the doctors more than I did the lion! I feared the diagnosis, the treatment and the finality of the prognosis. I let the fear factor go home with me but I didn't let it pee on me and ruin my life. When the gavel came down later that week with the verified results, I didn't fear the doctor, I feared the treatment and the lack of willingness for us both to work on a positive outcome of what they had just sprayed me with. I didn't get to go home and be joyful to tell all my friends how I overcome the spraying of the venom that the doctors unleashed, instead I came home and told my friends of the fear I saw in the eyes of my loved ones as I said I wasn't going the conventional route.

This is when I realized I would need every bit of strength in going forward.  I needed to see past the fear factor. I knew I would need to look the lion of fear in the eye and let it know that I am a victim too, I am not a weak victim and my Savior is not a sanctuary for saving cats but a sanctuary of love for saving human beings; the Lamb would rise up to save me. I believe this with every fiber of my being. He knows it, I know it, I just wish the surrounding onlookers knew what it took to get me from point A to point B!

As many of you may have feared your dad as a child; the impending belt, switch, the hand of discipline, you feared. Many unknowingly carry the fear of accepting an Almighty Savior, feeling a little insecure in giving Him 100% total trust.  My dad wasn't the disciplinarian in my family, so I had no fear of accepting my Father in Heaven's discipline or guidance. I never had any trouble getting flushed by His spray of undeniable, unconditional love. He has marked me and surely is saving me from my own self. As I relinquish the fear factor and move forward with unwavering faith in a snail's pace enjoying the brilliant view, painstakingly hating the climb but cherishing the time I spend with my Father as the day draws near where we will be walking hand in hand on the shorelines of Heaven.  There won't be two sets of footprints because I will be beside Him, basking in all of his love and glory. As I miss my earthly father who now resides in heaven I am ever grateful to my Heavenly Father for sending out a boat, filled with life preservers and saturating my soul when I need Him most.

It is a glorious Father's Day! Happy Father's Day, Abba! 

Pss. 57:4 "My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword."

I Don't Want To Know

James 1:2 (NIV) “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” 

I Don’t Want To Know

Something came up in conversation the other day with my husband. I was taking my supplements and pointed out that many were for inflammation. He responded with, “Did you ever think that’s not what it is?” Referring to my immense amount of daily pain. "Absolutely," I responded. I don't think of it often, but it certainly crosses my mind on occasion. Maybe it isn't inflammation, maybe it's worse. Yeah, I won't go the doubt route.

I feel negative comments surfacing on a regular basis now. I feel like others are doubting and it's not helping my journey any. I snapped back at my husband and told him that No, I don't wanna know if it is something else. I don't want to go to the doctors for them to hound me and tell me I should get chemo. I don't want to know if it has spread and I only have six months to live. I am persevering and doing everything I can to prevent death but then when you think about it, no one can prevent death, we're all going to die.

Memorial Day was no different with the poor poor pitiful Joni, looks. I didn't want to go to his mother's, but I did want to see the family. She wasn't having a cookout or anything, just a yearly gathering of his aunt and two uncles that we only get to see one or two times a year because two live out of state and one hours away. I didn't want to go because well, I'm in constant pain and it's a challenge to get out the door, down the steps, into the truck, back out of the truck, ascend more stairs and do it all over again when the visit is over.

I was also concerned with the questions that would be aimed at me. Luckily his brother was there with his wife and son so it kind of took the questions away from me. Instead, I was met with eyes of pity. They looked at me like the cripple I am and treated me like a fragile broken child who needs assistance with every step. I wonder how they think I manage to get through every single day? I don't have a live-in nurse that cares for me, I DO take care of myself. I AM a little slow but I'm not a precious vase about to fall on the floor that needs catching before it smashes to the ground.  

Then there was the lightning storm going on for two hours and more. The gusty winds arose right before we left as did a little thunder and lightning and I wanted to wait but no, hubby had to leave then and there. The dirt road was a sloppy mess as we swerved and swayed until it came to an end. Every swerve of the car sent a tingling pain up my back. The short trip to his mother's had the pain rising and rising with each clap of thunder and every sliver of lightning. We arrived in a downpour. I said I'd wait in the car, but I got so frustrated with myself, I hopped out and limped, cane in hand, to the front door. Hubby on arm trying to walk in his normal stride and me trying to keep up with my tiny limps, in the pouring rain and gusting winds. 

I try and understand that his family never sees me, and hasn't seen me using a cane and just expected bouncy-bouncy Joni, but instead, they were met with Tiny Tim. After his brother left, his aunt was right on me asking how I was doing and if I was still doing my protocol. I tried not to be snarky but it was quite hard as my back felt like a tightly wound rubber band about to snap and I really was not up to a visit that day. I just said yes, yes, I wake every day and thank God for another day. I was curt but not snarky. 

When I went to get up to use the bathroom his mother was about to leap into action, "You need help?" Umm... no, but thank you. As I walked past her my husband was sitting there and I asked for some water and his mom quickly jumped up and said I can get it, I can get it. I love having people care, I love that they want to know more about how I'm handling my illness. I love that they don't even talk chemo with me, but a tightly threaded quilt will eventually dry rot. Remember, I'm here year round. Not that anybody ever asks about my writing but is as important to me as my husband's now-defunct blog he had while he was blind. Writing is my life and I live to tell my story. 

On the ride home from his moms the storms were still churning; hard to see, muddy roads a bigger mess but we made it home and my tears fell unseen as quickly as the raindrops. It was a trying day for me that no one understands. As stubborn as I am, I am not one to be pitied and the looks, the stares, they tore me apart shred by shred. While I know and understand how lucky I am to be in this family and to have people that care, you don't realize how much it hurts to know I have a family back home that couldn't give a rip about me. I never cross their mind in a day, month or a year. It makes me feel defensive and isolated when a person after months of not seeing me shows signs of caring. I go on.

Tuesday, the entire day was rainfall! Glorious rainfall with rolling thunder and a flash of lightning here and there but rain it did! I think we had ten storms in one day and they didn't stop until eleven at night. The temps dropped to normal on Monday, meaning Springlike temps of the 60's and yesterday the temps that were predicted near ninety barely made it to seventy. Alleluia Amen.

Like summertime storms, life comes at us unexpectedly. Sometimes the trials are easy to endure, at other times they're difficult. Sometimes it's a delicate rainfall, at times a hard downpour. Sometimes high winds, a few times tornadoes pop up. Surely you need to be ready but if you knew ahead of time that you were going to die, what would you do differently? If a doctor told you that you have six months to live, how would you spend those last six months? Me, I don't want to know. I want to live until I die and that's that. Sure I'll prepare myself for the storms about to strike but I will not sit here and count days and think each one my last. As long as God is my guide, I never fear the valleys. Don't pity me as I persevere! I go with God!

James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” 

Total Surrender

Romans 8:28 KJV “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

 “I may be down but don’t you DARE count me out!” ~ Joni

Total Surrender

Even I didn’t understand total surrender. Sometimes I think I have it down but God reminds me all too often that I am not much unlike Job, I lack patience.

Two days this week I’ve woken with so much pain, just trying to step into the shower was not an option. My legs and back were riddled with torment, cane in hand it took everything I had just to make it to the bathroom. I’ve cried a lot this week, in pain, anger, bitterness, and confusion. What happened? I was feeling good and moving right along and it was all taken away in a matter of days.

I didn’t allow fear and doubt to surface instead what arose was impatience. That to me is just as bad as insecurity, doubt and fear. One thing that I still have is my writing. Even when I just want to curl in a ball God reminds me that He gave me a talent and that I shouldn’t just use it for sharing my words with the world, it is a tool in my healing arsenal too. I don’t write for clicks and comments I write to release. 

My morning ritual still consists of reading my bible. I don’t care how much pain I’m in, the bible is like a comfortable pillow that softens the blow of a setback. I read my Encouragement For Today by Bible Gateway, then immerse myself in the scriptures that are used throughout the email. Only recently have I felt that is wasn’t enough so I signed up for a new email, Crosswalk.

“Job didn’t understand why he had to suffer so much. So, throughout the book of Job, we see him expressing heartache and anger at the pain and suffering God was allowing. We also see evidence of his impatience regarding how long it was taking God to bring about restoration." -Excerpt from Bible Gateway

Yesterday was another pain-filled day and my bible was my only source of relief. I read my Bible Gateway and there sat a message for me (all too often this happens), directed right at my soul! It was about total surrender and talked about Job and his impatience. It also spoke of endurance.

I thought nothing of it and went on with writing, not reading my Crosswalk email because I was caught up in reading the word and writing my post but I still wasn’t getting the message of Total Surrender, I thought I already understood but apparently God knows more than me and I was led to read Crosswalk. What I found there was a rare event! The same exact story by Tracie Miles – God Can Restore What’s Lost and Broken.

Here’s an excerpt, used without permission, but giving Tracie Miles full credit! 

“Yet through it all — and despite his human emotions — Job never doubted that full surrender and trust was necessary. In Job 1:21b he even says, “The LORD gave me what I had, and the LORD has taken it away. Praise the name of the LORD!” Despite his suffering, he trusted God’s will for his life and continued to praise Him. As a result, not only did Job’s faith soar, but his life did as well.” ~Tracie Miles, Bible Gateway AND Crosswalk

As a writer, I found it odd that TWO different emails would publish the same exact story on the same day! They’ve been different for weeks now, what was it about today that needed them to both be in sync? Me! Yup, that’s right! I NEEDED to understand the meaning that passed me by, evidently, of Total Surrender!

When I cried out, “What happened to me? Why am I in such pain?” He responded with Total Surrender! THAT is what I was lacking, not a vitamin or supplement, I was lacking giving it all to God and being patient in His response. I was too comfortable in my dependency on God and in all honesty I think I may have had an air of certainty, arrogance and possibly vanity.

Last night at 8:30 a knock at the door came and it was UPS. He had my neck traction device! I squealed with joy and quickly opened the package and put it to use. This morning I woke, after just thirty minutes of the device last night, I felt rejuvenated. Oh, there will be more sittings with my device, and more pain as I go along, but today after yesterday’s realization of what I was doing wrong, I woke with HOPE! Optimism that today is a new day!

With hope on my shoulder, the air of overconfidence shifted, and a new day of what Total Surrender looks like, I move forward.

May God be with you ALL!

Yesterday’s other scripture verse for me. Not coincidental!

Romans 4:18-21 (NIV) “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead -- since he was about a hundred years old -- and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”

Faith: Your Gateway to Health

Luke 4:40 “Now when the sun was setting, all they that had any sick with divers diseases brought them unto him; and he laid his hands on every one of them, and healed them.”

Faith: Your Gateway to Health

Faith, support, determination, and change, all adds up to HEALTHY!

One by one, these will have their own individual topics along with exercise. Since HEALTH is our goal, I’m going to try and help you achieve a goal. Set yourself a small goal. A hurdle of sorts. No need to tell me what it is, maybe write it down on a piece of paper so that you can overcome the hurdle then tell me about how well you did. I want to be a person of support so please feel free to ask me questions or tell me about your success (or failure). I want to rejoice in support of you!

I know you’ve all heard the term ‘born again’ and biblically that means being born again as a new person in the Spirit of Christ. Well, by the end of the year I’d like to see friends renewing their health and feeling born again physically! I want you to feel the regeneration I have felt since last January. I don’t feel like a person of ill health, I feel the best I have in my life. Still a way to go but you’re all with me; we can do this together! 

Today I’m going to talk about faith. Now don’t go running away because you’re a non-believer, I have something for everyone, I don’t want you to be left behind. I want you healthy! The only way to become healthy is to have faith. While my faith is based solely on God, yours might be tied to a Higher Power, Mother Nature, the Universe or a spirit realm, whatever you hold to be bigger than you at times of doubt and fear, now is the time to turn and hold on for dear life because change is never an easy task to undertake.

Task, you might say, YES! You have to work for anything you want in life and if you don’t want to be sick and at the doctors all the time, now is the time for CHANGE! It looks to me like we live in a world of people who are content, content with being overweight, settled in their ugly habits of overindulging, regretting mistakes but not knowing where to begin. I’m here to tell you that faith is where you begin.

When people feel disgruntled they immediately look for a comfort food. When someone has hurt feelings they hide behind the mask of feel-good eating and drinking. They don’t try and resolve the problems of being hurt, shamed, or ridiculed they turn to something to make them feel not so bad, and food is usually the go-to culprit. For me I didn’t turn to food, I turned to drugs and alcohol but later learned to trust more in God and my inner self than an outside physical feel good vice. I don’t know if I’ve ever come right out and told you all this but I was bullied as a kid. I’m a survivor of being excruciatingly bullied!

From an early age the name-calling, hair pulling, the punches and being chased down the street, being bullied was my life. Whether it was my sister and brothers doing the bullying or my (non) friends at school who literally pushed me from their circle, I was bullied. I was teased because I was too thin, too pretty, my teeth weren’t aligned right, my clothes were from the ‘cheap’ store, my shoes were worn, my hand-me-downs evident. 

I did overindulge on candy and sweets as a child, maybe that is why I never cared much for them as an adult. They were vices to hide my pain. Heal the pain the vice is no longer needed. I turned to alcohol and drugs, other vices to hide pain and the more I turned to my faith, I no longer needed those indulgences to get by in life.

With my faith, I overcame my addictions to drugs, alcohol, and sweets. Yes, just with FAITH. Not meds and doctors, not patches and pills, not even vitamins. I thought I was healthy except for my psoriasis, the embarrassing skin affliction of which labeled me as unhealthy. I did have the chronic ailment under control at one time but you add stress and upheaval (divorce) to the mix, your ailments react and resurface.

Then January 25, 2017 hit me with a cannonball to the gut, a disease that was known around the globe as a ‘killer’. While I had lost numerous friends and family to the disease, I didn’t feel that this disease was as devastating as it was made out to be. My faith grew ten sizes too big that day as I was cradled in the arms of the Lord and told that I’d be carried along with my faith. Rely on your faith, the whispers called out. Depend on me and the strength I give you, I heard aloud in my head.

While for a brief moment in time I felt scared, I had to rely on my faith to shake any fears. Faith has never let me down once in my life, why would it now, because the odds are against me? When I was young and being bullied I felt helpless until my faith carried me through. This was not unlike those times being bullied as a child, the doctors were trying to bully me into submission but these were adult bullies. I, as an adult, have the ability to fight back. With my faith intact, I mounted an army of angels that would whisk my fear, doubt, and pains away. Almost instantly, once I moved the bully mountain, God's Light shone through and carried me once again.

Matt. 21:21 “Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.”

Your faith is your strongest asset in life. Faith being the belief in the unseen, whatever that means to YOU! Use it, trust it, and listen to the inner voice. Faith will do all the fighting for you, you just have to trust and obey. Obeying is the hard part because it is essentially giving your life over to something bigger than you that you can’t control. YOU, my friend, are never in the driver seat, you’re a passenger along for the ride of life. This gift is yours to take care of, not destroy. Your HEALTH is the gift and new batteries to regenerate you are needed if you’ve ‘let yourself go’. Have faith that you can overcome the obstacles in your way; EARNEST faith, not a passive faith. I may need to do another post on faith… it is THAT important to your HEALTH!

Matt. 9:21-22 “For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole. But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.”

Endurance

The wheel... has endured the test of time

2 Cor. 4:16 "For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day."

Endurance

This post was going to be titled I’m Done, had it been written and posted yesterday. Instead, I chose to close down, go inside my head and feel the angst that I was being asked to endure. 

I had an extremely stressed filled month with my son seeking a job, the death in the family from chemo no less (I’m from the school cancer doesn’t kill, chemo does), and then there was hubby and his needed eye doctor appointment and a dental visit. Then there was me tossed in the middle with my illness and need to pick a new doctor. 

All of this came flurrying around my face like confetti from the sky. I blew it away as a wayward strand of hair falling in my face, but the stress had mounted and I could feel the shift, the pain, the hurt. I was trying so hard but it all came crashing around me and I was about ready to give up. I’m done, I said, I’m just done!

My thoughts and feelings were getting hard to catalog. I could not compartmentalize them, I had to face each one head on, I had to endure. I woke this morning with a swift slap in the face with a God moment. My Encouragement For The Day came via my Bible Gateway message. 

This is what greeted me today, first thing in the quiet of the morning:

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5 (ESV)

Wow, this is one not to be scanned over real quick; I was forced to read it after that intro. I went through word after word, the writer was a twenty-five-year breast cancer survivor and now after all of these years she’s faced with her daughter having to go through the same exact illness. She couldn’t protect her daughter from this event, they would just have to endure it, together. I’ll hit the high points of the email: Suffering produces endurance, Endurance produces character, character produces hope. 

There it is in a nutshell HOPE! I woke to hope! Yesterday I was done, I was giving up, I was just ready to shove a slice of pizza in my face, stop all supplements, have everyone laugh at me and say I told ya so, and I was making plans in my head to go home, to my Heavenly Home, that is. And I woke to this message of hope. What am I supposed to do with that? Endure and have continued hope is what!

2 Cor. 4:17-18 (KJV) “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

Stress level on a scale of one to ten – nine! let’s go over it:

Me- In need of finding a doctor for this serious illness invading my body. (more on that in later posts)

My son – He found a really good job making good money and a week after he started, he asked for a week vacation at the end of July; a vacation to go to Kentucky to meet online friends. That’s what I taught him, run off and meet your online friends. He’s twenty-one and I cannot stop this train from going down the track, I have my own stress and seriously don’t need this, but it is what it is. He has a hard-as-a-rock head on his shoulders and I can’t say anything. (wow, he’s just like his mother!)

My hubby - An eye doctor’s appointment went well, but the eye doctor of eight years told us this would be the last time we’d see him. Shock, hurt, memories, everything came through the floodgates!

A funeral – Need I say more? His aunt succumbed to chemo.

The dentist – No insurance and a filling it wasn’t meant to be. I won’t say any more than that. This was the tip of the iceberg of a stressful month. Especially when the (doctor’s wife, hygienist) looked at me and asked if I was my husbands' mother. Insult after insult (my brother-in-law writes too, as a hobby, she says.) “Good thing you weren’t working so you could drive your husband to all of the doctor’s appointments.”  Slice after slice, cut, chop, throw me to the wolves. The wolf being a gray-haired, forty-five-year-old overworked mother. I was her target for the day and wonder how she even has the job she has.

I left in tears, wanting to just go home to the Lord. I’m done, I can’t handle this. I can’t handle all of the doubts coming through via my screen from people who say they support me but are really living Doubting Thomas’! The message of what to eat vs. what not to eat, what to take and what not to take, email after email asking to buy this cure in a bottle. No money has me deleting the majority of the supplement spiel.

I woke to find the email telling me to endure. To be filled with hope during a most trying time. To have faith where others wane. To stand tall and muddle through this thickened mire. It is my job to give hope and here I was being filled. I need a break from stress and worry. I need to stand in a downpour and release all that ails me. I need to embrace the journey and walk with hope in my hand.

The Holy Spirit flowing through us is God and His earthly blood/waters running through our veins. There is no doubting in the floodwaters. There may be pain, there sure will be stress, you’ll face trials of ignorance from the outside world but you’ll find the strength in God to endure, whatever it is you have to endure to get through another day.

Isa. 26:4 (KJV) “Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength:”

I give all praise and Glory to God! 

Alleluia AMEN!

Doubt

1 Tim. 2:8 “I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.”

Doubt

Sometimes I hear doubt and fear in the voices of people’s words. Words like “I hope you know what you’re doing.” or 
“I hope you can beat this.” or 
“I can’t wait to see you pull off this miracle.” 
Doubt is not part of my vocabulary and hasn’t been from day two of my diagnosis. Granted on day one it shattered me, crumbled me like a dry leaf but by day two I had my boxing gloves on and came out fighting!

People that have doubts in the ability to treat and heal something like cancer, Alzheimer’s, chronic illnesses such as psoriasis, eczema, or asthma the list is long, those people are programmed to believe what they were taught when they were young. They are not open to old herbal remedies or new technology, or new studies in cures and don’t do enough current research as to where a person is coming from when they do things holistically.

A doctor doesn’t always know what’s the right thing to heal you. They were trained or should I say programmed with one thing that they were taught. It’s like using a Windows7 in a Windows10 environment, things change! Things are different and if you are not willing to grow with the change, you will be left behind, scratching your head and allow doubt to control your world. In this place, you will allow chronic illness to fester until the root explodes in your face and you have to be taken to the hospital and be placed in the doctors' hands to find out what is wrong.

The doctor will then do a host of tests from MRI’s to bloodwork, he’ll get results and give you drugs. If you pry and ask what is the problem and the root cause of your condition, he will spew out everything in medical terms you barely understand. With that, you believe what he/she is selling, in other words, you have accepted what he’s downloaded into your system. 

When you download a virus into your computer, you do everything possible to remedy the situation to get your system back in tip-top shape. If we took care of our bodies the way we do our computers, with delicate hands on weeding out the root of the problem, we could eliminate, CURE the disease taking over our human bodies. 

I wonder if people think God botched the job of building our internal mechanisms from our DNA to our very complex immune system that keep us going throughout our lifetime. I don’t believe He did. I believe he placed in us the very intricate details we need to CURE our systems after WE have downloaded the virus/illness, disease into our system.

I straight out ask my oncologist (two of them) to work WITH me in helping to heal and CURE me without chemo and drugs. They said (lies) they never heard of such a thing. They live in a Windows7 world! I came away from each visit empowered to find the truth in treatment. I found hundreds if not thousands of people who have HEALED and been CURED of this dastardly disease but an all intelligent doctor, the very person we allow to lord over our illness has never heard of such a thing? From his programming, he certainly knows which pharmaceutical drug to prescribe, doesn’t he?

Over and over in the Holy Bible, I read repeatedly of the herbs and spices that were used thousands of years ago to HEAL and CURE what ailed the sick. Since doctors only offer the science of synthetic drugs, they are not equipped to understand the complexities of the Bible and look to see what God placed here for us to cure and heal ourselves. They don’t take the time to learn the science of the human body being designed to heal itself. There’s no money in that now is there?

In my unscientific approach (since I’m not a scientist) I’ve found that the root cause of ALL illnesses are stress. Your body handles the stress, turns it into a virus/illness. A toxin to me is considered to be the stress you put into your body, knowingly or unknowingly. Toxins can be found in the air you breathe and the food you eat. Your internal organs react to that stress and our very intricate immune systems respond, not unlike the computer you so dearly love. 

If your computer gets a virus, what do you do? Do you buy a new computer? Well, we can’t buy a new body if our body gets a virus. Do we take them to the Geek Squad and have them doctor the machine up? Someone, like myself, would love to have a Geek doctor come in and cure my body, but does he know my body? The Geek Squad doesn’t know your computer habits, what you search for, or what you’ve downloaded to cause the virus but he sure can dig into your system to find out, right?  

In all its uniqueness I will have to say no one knows my body, internally or externally. A doctor doesn’t either and while he thinks he knows because of the diagnostic tests he runs, he doesn’t know the individual body, mind, and soul. He knows the motherboard and that’s it! Doctors and Geeks alike will pacify the problem instead of digging in, finding the root cause, and healing the system from inside.

I am not techno-savvy so I could never heal my computer. I can get a CCleaner and clean it up. I can dig into my system and see what I’ve done wrong, what I clicked that I shouldn’t have, I can remedy the malfunctioning system so it runs smoothly. As with my body, I can dig into the root cause of this disease. I can clean up my system so it runs properly. I should have taken care of it in the first place and never succumbed to this disease, but it is what it is, it’s here and I and God, the Mighty Healer of all, the Doctor who created the system will heal what ails me from the inside.

When people place doubt in their vocabulary, they have loosened their actual faith. I will never lose my faith in God because He is the One who created this body and all its intricacies running throughout my system on a cellular lever, He is the One and Only who holds the healing. Maybe at one time doctors cared about healing the people who were sick, but this day and age, the almighty dollar speaks a more healing tune to them, that’s a fact!

The simple basics of healing:
Relieve stress by eliminating as many toxins (including people and drugs) as you possibly can 
Make the air you breathe work for you not against you
Allow the warmth of the sun to nurture you 
Choose the right non-toxic food (organic fruits and vegetables, clean grass fed meat) 
Drink purified clean water 
Get eight hours of sleep 
Unplug yourself from negativity that you tap into daily
Add JOY to your life, find purpose in your life, and overflow with LOVE.

Gen. 1:29 “And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.”

The Doctor Did His Job

Psalm 73:25-26 KJV “Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.”

The Doctor Did His Job

He set out to break the barrier of positivism and hope down, and he somewhat succeeded. Let me just say that if he thought for one minute anything I was taking was toxic to my system he wouldn’t have hesitated in pointing out that hey, they’re toxic. In my research on cancer cures, turmeric, Vitamin C, garlic, ginger, ginseng and a host of other things are NOT toxic. Even mixed together in a cocktail all at one time these supplements WOULD NOT be toxic. Although I’ve found sufficient evidence to PROVE chemotherapy IS toxic.

The doctor did his job of instilling DOUBT and FEAR with words like, death, dying, my ability to see my grandchildren one day, and I’m sure many who have gone the chemo route are more than happy to have the chance to see their grandchildren. He also used the fear tactic, that if I was his underage child, he would get a COURT ORDER to MAKE me get the chemo, “But, you’re not underage so you have to decide,” he said in his strong Bulgarian accent.

God keeps telling me, “I can give you LIFE”, “I can fill you to the brim with Hope”, “I HAVE THE POWER TO HEAL if only you have the FAITH of a mustard seed.” His words are most definitely more comforting than what the doctor offered. Now I ask you, who am I to listen to? 

I remember talking to my GP last week and telling her that if I don’t BELIEVE that chemo is going to help me and my mind won’t ALLOW it to help, can it really help me? Isn’t the mind, body, and soul an empowering tool of ours? She looked at me and said, “There is some truth to that!” She went on to tell me that all I AM doing to change, my diet, my supplements, my exercise would only add to the beneficial treatment of chemo. Funny thing is, the onc. doctor said “Meh, you won’t need them with chemo. Chemo will save you alone.” As if chemotherapy was the Superman of cancer and not the kryptonite to Superman. You see how one can be broken down by a doctor who thinks like that? He’s right, I’m wrong, God’s wrong, and any and all supplements are wrong. Even though these supplements have been PROVEN but are still in the ‘clinical’ stages that I’m not eligible for. 

I’m watching another series on cancer The Truth About Cancer series. Did you know that in Switzerland, over twenty years ago a cure was found? You didn’t know that did you? A micronutrient synergy in the form of vitamin c, quercetin and green tea (that’s not the entire protocol) was saving lives but when brought to the medical board they were laughed at and scoffed at because the pharmaceutical companies had no stake in this flighty ‘micronutrient saving grace’. These were doctors of the Dr. Rath Institute in California, who brought this exciting fact-based plan to light and they were shot down. 

Doctor Matthias Rath 
and 
Dr. Alexandra Niedzwiecki 

These two are no fly by night doctors in the Cancer Research arena. These are the very faces that HAVE the cure! Why does the government not want this knowledge in the hands of patients? Why does the government stand by the chemotherapy route? Have you ever considered that we’re no different than the Jews so many years ago being led into gas chambers, all a part of a mass exodus to be rid of us? Why is God's Herbal Medicinal Healing, HEALING shunned when pharmaceuticals are PUSHED even on our small children with the likes of that new illness ADHD? Kids, OUR KIDS are being drugged too, not HEALED!

Are you getting the picture here? Well, I sure am and even if the PET scan comes back and says its spreading to my brain, I’m going to fight tooth and nail to not go the chemo route. It has only been a month of this protocol I’m on and I’d like more time! The docs can try to break me but my God is the only one who can destroy me completely! Since I have lived with this tumor growing in my body for possibly well over five-ten years, then what is the hurry in getting hit by kryptonite? I mean chemo.?

What scares me so? The Port. It's this small wire and a plastic button placed under your skin that would feed chemotherapy (radioactive therapy) directly to your bloodstream. The port stays in you for years until you are cancer free and then you have a choice to have it removed or not. Let me tell you a quick story. My aunt had cancer, was in remission, had the port removed, cancer came back more aggressively and she died. My uncle, had lung cancer, was in remission, had the port removed, cancer came back, port returned with chemo, and he died. A long slow, painful, deteriorating death. My aunt was 130 lbs when she died, (previously a 250 lb or more woman), my uncle a burly 180 lbs. died underweight also. My dad had throat cancer, he was in remission five years and he chose NOT to remove the port. He eventually died of COPD after being in the hospital for a month. 

So you see, losing THREE family members in the same year also has me wanting to fight AGAINST chemo treatment. They didn’t fight, they basically followed the leader and lost the battle! I will NOT follow the leader! I will follow Christ and what He wants me to do!

So maybe the doctor didn’t win in the end. He placed doubt and fear deeply in our visit and I’ve carried it, now I need to be rid of it, NOW! Prayers are always my saving grace. Praise be to God.

Well, I just found out that the PET scan is going to cost us over $1,000 dollars that we don’t have. GREAT! Whatever is in that fund up there will be used to pay for it. I’ve got enough supplements for I believe 30-60 days. Whoa…just… falls silent …..

Voices

Job 3: 18 There the prisoners rest together; they hear not the voice of the oppressor.
***

I think it was June who did a post on the voices inside your head. I didn’t borrow this idea, someone in class today triggered the voice topic, via sharing her self-doubt with me and thus, I write this.

Have you ever had those voices running around in your head? They’re having a party and  invited you to come and play! These voices are usually the ones of self-doubt, fear, and any other negative word you’d like to throw into the mix of marbles being scattered all around in there.

I always think, Hey, this is my head why can’t I play? Then I jump in full steam ahead barefoot into a bouncy house. I’m loving it, relishing it actually. I’m in here, all good/bad thoughts are on the move, and we are one with the bounce!

Then suddenly, doubt takes a swing at me, he knocks me upside my head, I spin in a circle, my body floats and I’m down for the count. Almost a TKO,only I jump back up and begin bouncing once again.

Has this ever happened to you? Of course not, you’re full of confidence, you walk on air, life is good and everything you touch turns to sold. What? That isn’t you at all? Hmm...well I just assumed everyone had it better than me, was smarter than me, could do more, say more and write more. Guess not.

So once again we’re dealing with the confidence issue. The voices are only there because your confident nature has taken a ticket, and is waiting outside the Bouncy House of Doubt. We need to do something to get all those kids (negative thoughts) out of the bouncy house and put a bunch of positive thoughts in there so that you’re not standing out there when it begins to rain.

First and foremost - Become aware. Make yourself become a witness to the fact that doubt and fear are actually taking up residence. Hopefully you envision your bouncy house square or you won’t ever be able to place denial in the corner, facing the wall.

Second - You need to get in there and wrestle with doubt and fear to show them who is boss here!

Third - If necessary, you can sit doubt and fear down and have a good long talking to. Maybe tell them they are not welcome?

Fourth - In your mind’s eye, become Hercules, face each new day with a positive thought: I can get through the day, I CAN write 500 words, I can, I can I can! As soon as the negative tries to force your hand with the “You can’t do it”, you push harder with all your might, with the force of,  “YES, I CAN!”

Fifth - Get yourself OUT of the bouncy house and enter the Hall of Mirrors. This way you can look yourself in the face with each new turn and know just who is where. You will always be in the lead, you will not falter, you will walk through the maze and realize something as you get a little confused, the door is just ahead into the future. You made it out into the warm sunlight and every day you will take a walk through this place and leave the bouncy house where it belongs, up the hill and around the bend.

The voices have subsided... I CAN face this day! Are you with me?