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2 Sam. 23:4 “And he shall be as the light of the morning, when the sun riseth, even a morning without clouds; as the tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain.”

The days leading up to...

The days leading up to a chemo treatment are usually filled with anxiety. I try my meditation, my prayers, my refocusing of daily chores and hobbies, but still, I find I’m normal, in so much that, anxiety leaks through. 

I’ve been having good days filled with a lot of pain at night on my right thigh. I guess this is normal too, one of those lovely side effects. I try to understand what I signed up for but I honestly have no clue. I know I signed up for intravenous Herceptin, with no port, and it has side effects. What does it do? Well, one thing it doesn’t do is cure the Big C! It kind of sings it to sleep. 

Why do people assume that chemo is a cure? Do you not see the commercials from the ACS begging for money to help them FIND a cure? Sure they have treatments to prolong your life, but cure? THERE IS NO CURE! Just had to shout that out to those who are reading.

Here are the  COMMON side effects of Herceptin:

Diarrhea - nope
redness or irritation at injection (IV) site - well duh all needles have some pain/redness
muscle/joint/back pain - YES
stomach or abdominal pain - somewhat
Headache - not really
sleep problems (insomnia) - nope
nausea and vomiting (may be severe) _ thank God NO
weight loss - I sure hope not! Hard enough finding clothes now!
Rash - kinda
altered sense of taste - is that what that is?
mouth sores - nope
loss of appetite - still eating like a pig!
Tiredness - most definitely
cold symptoms such as stuffy nose, sinus pain, sneezing, or sore throat. - Runny nose, does that count?

Tell your doctor if you have serious side effects of Herceptin including:

bone pain,
increased coughing,
swelling of the hands/ankles/feet,
sudden unexplained weight gain,
unusual tiredness,
severe headache,
tingling or numbness (e.g., in the hands, feet, leg),
mental/mood changes, - going through menopause, so yes, before Herceptin days.
fast or pounding heartbeat, and
easy bruising or bleeding.

I don’t know the difference in BONE pain and muscle pain, I somewhat have an idea after breaking my femur. But…

THIS is the other DRUG he wanted me taking and I refused. The COMMON side effects alone scared the pants off of me! 

Common side effects of Femara include:

hot flashes,
warmth in your face or chest,
hair loss,
joint/bone/muscle pain,
tiredness,
unusual sweating or night sweats,
nausea,
diarrhea,
dizziness,
trouble sleeping,
drowsiness,
weight gain,
weakness,
flushing (warmth, redness, or tingly feeling),
headache,
constipation,
numbness/tingling/weakness/stiffness in your hand or fingers, or
pain in your hand that spreads to your arm, wrist, forearm, or shoulder.


I would hate to see what the more serious side effects are! When a trusted doctor tells you the side effects are a lot like menopause I beg to differ!!! Unless I’m a rarity among women!

This is MY choice of estrogen blocker that I showed him last Wednesday to see if he’ll ‘allow’ it in my regimen. I’m not giving him a choice.

DIM partial list of side effects:

This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur.

One of the supplements used for estrogen dominance is diindolylmethane, or DIM, which is a natural plant-based chemical found in many cruciferous vegetables. The effects of cruciferous vegetables, such as cabbage, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts, are being studied as a treatment for cancer.[1] DIM works to create a healthy balance of estrogen and testosterone in your body and is available in capsules or tablets.

DIM Supplement warnings:
If you have a hormone-related condition, make sure to discuss DIM with your doctor, because it can sometimes block estrogen activity. Taking larger doses can be unsafe; possible side effects of using DIM supplements include headaches and nausea.

DIM Side Effects and Interactions
DIM is considered to be safe when consumed from natural sources at doses 100-200mg daily. Taking larger doses such as 600 mg each day, may cause side effects such as headaches, upset stomachs, and can cause reduced sodium levels in some people

TO ME, DIM is much safer than Femara and does the same thing in a natural way, albeit a tablet form. Yes, I’m still on a plant-based regimen! 

The Day of Dread and Doom came and looking for a chair in the chamber was almost impossible, filled with souls getting poison pumped into their systems, bald and aging, wrinkled and sagging. And then there was me with a puzzled look on my face wondering what on earth I was doing there.

The quick session was over (thirty minutes) and I was promised this one would not be as bad as the first session with the chills and pain. It was a lie as I arrived home, I went right to the bedroom cringed in pain, popping pill after pill to try and relieve some of this tension-wracked pain nursing my body and feeding the angst and desperation I never knew before.

Three hours of crying and wriggling in pain, I finally fell asleep. I woke but didn’t want to. I hurt like I’ve never hurt before. Eight years of arthritis and no meds, pain bearable but now, this pain was exhausting and unending. My mind was not accepting this. I did not in no way shape or form want to finish my life out in this kind of angst that is driving my body into the grave. My mind, almost gone. Is this what menopause is like? I don’t think so. Thank you, doctor, for bending the truth YET AGAIN!

Oh and my DIM supplement? He laughed in my face and offered me up another drug to kill me with less side effects. I said no ten times but his ears were obviously clogged so I appeased him, ok doctor, maybe next visit in three weeks.

It has been almost one week and I still feel like the crab on the ocean floor, sucking down the toxic poisons left behind. I still have my hard shell, I can still crawl and be plucked out of the water at any moment but for now, my body is filtering poison through my system and it’s not a pretty sight. Have you ever opened a crab up? Have you seen the filters and the yellow gunk that you’re told NOT to eat of the crab, just the meat? I don’t even have meat left to eat. I am a shell. My yellow gunk is on display. I have maintained my body weight since September, so I know I'm still fighting! 

My husband and son see this change in me; at their wit's end and hubby being sick with walking pneumonia, this isn’t going to fare well. Mother-in-law came out and I feel like she thinks this chemo is the cure-all I need and is good for me but then not after I tell her how it makes me feel. But then again, no one has a clue of the pain and isolation chamber I feel locked into.

I was strolling along enjoying life. Going to physical therapy three days a week when suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me and I fell, hard. Now, I get to the outside world, if I’m lucky, every three weeks for chemo. A doctor visit here and there. A stare out the window, a walk to the back door, and life going on in every way without me. I’m a shell with two eyeballs looking left and right and wondering, is someone going to get me out of here? 

I wake in the morning and don’t like who I see. I’m filled with anger, disgust, discouragement, hate, bitterness, pain and misery; all of these things are foreign to the me who just a month ago was enjoying the physical therapy, loving life and feeling God deep within every step I took. Now...it’s only fitting that during Lent, the season that is being swallowed up around me, I should be tempted and filled with everything the dark lord stands for. 

I’m here...waiting for the crab net to come swooping down. Run along now...it’s not a pretty sight.

Pss. 95:8 “Harden not your heart, as in the provocation, and as in the day of temptation in the wilderness:”

I’m hanging in here, Lord. Don’t leave me dangling...

Isa. 58:8 “Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the LORD shall be thy reward.”

All Glory to God

1 Cor. 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the Glory of God.”

All Glory to God

Have you ever had one of those days where you woke to a crisp cold morning and felt like just staying nestled under the covers a while longer in the warmth of your bed? Yeah, I think we all have those kinds of days, and more times than not we have to force ourselves into the cold because of work, school, whatever, we wake and go. 

My job these days is giving Glory to God. That’s not a job, you might say but if you knew the pain I was in this past couple of weeks, you’d admit, it’s one chore that you wouldn’t look forward to for sure. I wake and am like a stick pretzel, very stiff from a long night of sleep. I’m prompted to wake, I force myself out of bed and begin my day, all for the Glory of God.

I cannot abandon the job He’s set aside just for me. I’m sure He has others doing jobs for Him but we are unique in our own way. I use my talent to glorify Him in any way I can whether poetry or a post guided by Him. It’s a unique job, but one I never in any way felt capable of doing. But when people say they get it! That the message spoke to THEM, it is at that time I feel my work is for a solid purpose.

I imagine all of the significant people (and some who seem non-significant) all felt the same exact way. Here they were living life, loving God and God stopped them short of continuing and asked them to do something major for Him. How much are we unlike the very people in the Bible?

I believe we’re all like at least one person in the Bible and that is the reason why the book resonates with us, we see ourselves in Esther, Sara, Ruth, Job, Paul or Peter. The list of people in the bible is very long. Is there someone in the Bible you connect with and after reading stand there thinking, 'that is me’? What has God called you, in this generation to do for others?

I was strolling along in life feeling like Mary Magdalene, the repentant prostitute who sat at Jesus’ feet, who sat below Him as He was hung on the cross, then at other times I connect with Job on many levels of feeling worthy and loved, but then discouraged only to find the love of God again and that I fit into His plan after all. 

How many of you sitting there reading this don’t feel worthy enough to put yourself in the shoes of a person in the Bible? So many of us don’t feel worthy to kiss the ground Jesus walked on; we feel like the onlooker watching as Jesus carried the cross or the person sitting at home going on with their daily chores as such a commotion as the hanging of an innocent man went on ‘up the road’.

Me, when I’m feeling unworthy and down I try with everything I have to connect with just one person in the Bible. This is the only way I can find a connection to this world and not as an alien on my home planet. 

The other night we watched the children’s movie Inside Out. I relate to that movie on many levels although it was targeted to be a children’s movie. Who did I relate to? Joy, sadness, fear, anger, or disgust? Every character was a portion of the main character’s personality. Riley’s family had moved her away from her familiarity into a big city of unknown. She feared, she was angry and mad and we had to witness all the worlds in her personality shatter and fall apart. In the end, we learned that we can’t have joy without the pain of sadness.

In the simplest form, that is what the Holy Bible is all about, finding joy through the pain; finding the light at the end of the tunnel. While I often feel alone and alienated in this world, I can at any moment pick up the Bible and relate to one (if not many) people in the bible. I wake in the morning and God is my first ‘go to being’ so I can begin my day. It is the only time I don’t feel so alone.

As I look out at the broken world and pieces of the puzzle are scattered on the floor I try extremely hard to find a fitting puzzle piece. Where do I fit in? How can I accomplish all that God has set out before me? How do I make a picture out of nothingness?

For three, almost four weeks now, I have woke in the morning and grabbed my cane to walk. I’ve led you down my path where I unknowingly fell off protocol and struggled to get back up again. Something happened this week. On the seventh of March, my mother-in-law wrote me an email and asked how I was doing. Did she really want to know or was she just being like everyone else and asking because she didn’t know how to approach me?

I had to wait two days to respond because at the time the email came in I was bitter and angry and not willing to lash out at her, I had to stop and think. On the ninth, I wrote her a letter and told her the truth. I explained going off protocol and eating wheat bread had nearly destroyed me and how my severe pain had returned.

A week passed before I received a response. My sister-in-law was visiting her from Arizona with her two kids and my m-i-l was busy with catering to them I imagine and more than likely didn’t turn her computer on one time. It was during that week that satan knocked on my door with his lovely doubt and fear message. 

“She doesn’t care about you, she’s too busy to be bothered with you. People have lives unlike yourself. No one cares about your pain!”

Yessiree, for an entire pain-filled, cane-embracing week, he was walking around my house like he owned it. I had weakened.

Sister-in-law went home on the sixteenth and poof like a magical leprechaun spun his little hand and poked his head in (I’m kidding here) my m-i-l sent me an email on the seventeenth. She said she was glad that I was so honest with my pain because now she knew where to target her prayers for me. I honestly was thinking ‘yeah right’ as satan was still here wandering around the cold gloomy days. I didn’t write back as I was still harboring resentment of her week of no response.

Sunday morning came, I reached for my cane to get out of bed. I woke, I walked but didn’t feel the need for it. Again, I was thinking, yeah right, I’ll need it in a bit, after my shower I bet. Guess what? It is Wednesday and I haven’t used my cane this week. Oh, I grab it because I’m not totally surrendering as I should be, but today, I feel like satan has packed his bags and is now huffing and puffing because once again he realized THERE IS POWER IN PRAYER!

Moral of the story? We might all feel like Thomas, doubting the power of God, second-guessing our purpose because of the pain we’re in but rest assured my friend, God has YOU in His hands even when satan thinks he is gaining ground. Our God is BIGGER and more powerful, and PRAYER HEALS! Through the pain, I give ALL GLORY TO GOD! On a dusty traveled road, I see Light at the end of the tunnel! I feel joy in the midst of my sorrow. 

Matt. 5:16 KJV “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

JESUS Loves Me!

crop duster

Zephaniah 3:17 “The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.”

Jesus Love Me

I sit here suffering from a disease of a lifetime of which I ignored the detection signs and some might ask, “Really, you think Jesus loves you? He gave you that disease.” I would love to take a wet sock and slap a few people over the face with it who think that. Jesus did no such thing as give me a disease. The blame game happens all of the time, even when a child dies people fall away from Christ because they ask how could a loving God take away a child?

I have written over and over again how through suffering the Light of our God shines the brightest through us, but some people would just rather go on with their day to day monotony than to see a Shining Light.

Do you blame God for forest fires? Or do you only blame him when a firefighter loses the battle of living trying to fight the fire? Do you blame him for arctic ice melting, floating downstream to devastate a coastline? Do you blame Him for hurricanes and storms, or just the aftermath of its destruction?

You see, God isn’t in the event that is happening; He is in the reaction of a people who would rather lay blame on something or someone other than themselves than to take action to remedy the situation. The storms are a reaction to what is going on with the climate. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

He is not in this manmade disease; He is in how I react to it. I don’t call the disease by its name because I won’t own it. That is not denial it is reacting to what is living in me besides my heavenly Father, I prefer to shed Light on Him than any disgusting disease. But people need to know that God, in all His beauty shines a Light on the dark desperation one feels when facing disaster.

You know, I actually know people who think the GMO scare is all a farce? At a cookout, I’d like a nice bottle of roundup sitting on the table along with ketchup and mustard and when someone says, what is that doing here, that’s poison. I’d like to say, “Well, that is on the majority of your food you eat, it’s not much different than a condiment at the table.”

The ‘Christian’ farmers I know actually think that the toxins and GMO's are a necessity to ‘protect’ you; they don’t see how much it is actually KILLING. They play the blame game pointing fingers at everyone except man because well, that would be pointing fingers right in their own faces and they can’t have that now can they?

I happen to know that Jesus loves me. Amid all the turmoil in the world, all the death and disease, destruction and annihilation, Jesus loves ME! And I love Him but for some reason, I feel it is not nearly as much as He loves me.  Call me crazy if you want, it’s better than being a finger-pointer playing the blame game. 

I’m trying to bring Light and Hope to a world set in its ways to destroy and die.

Just some information for you to sink your eyes into:

MSG’s – Monosodium-glutamate
more on MSG's

GMO’s - A genetically modified organism, or GMO, is an organism that has had its DNA altered or modified in some way through genetic engineering. In most cases, GMOs have been altered with DNA from another organism, be it a bacterium, plant, virus or animal; these organisms are sometimes referred to as "transgenic" organisms.

How can scientists say GMO’s are safe when there hasn’t been enough time to study the damages it is causing? Why are humans all about the almighty dollar, that is all GMO’s crops are all about, not the human destruction. I’ll trust MY instincts on this one and not ‘scientists’ funded by the ‘governement’!

When I look at this disease I’m LIVING WITH, I need to seek out possible causes and I’m 99% sure it is from what I put inside my body, not a stroke of bad luck as GMO fanatics say. It’s not genetics, supposed it’s from Genetically Modified Food that we’ve been secretly ingesting for years, along with other elements. The bottom line is, I’m sick and the ignorance of people is what will kill me and others with this disease.

I’m going to go on LIVING and let you all dissect the climate, the toxins that are allowed, and bow down to the people bringing death upon you while I will continue to bring the LOVE of Christ to a nation who NEEDS love! It is the only thing going to save you from death. 

All Glory to God!  

I'm Alive

 I'm Alive

Yes siree, I’m alive and well and writing! Thirteen posts so far (this one makes fourteen) and my New Year is off and running in the right direction. I say the right direction because I’m not wasting my time sitting endless hours on facebook just waiting for some kind of activity for me to like. Nope, I’m writing!

Don’t get me wrong, if you’re retired and enjoying the Golden Years of your life, by all means use facebook for what it is good for, games. If you’re disabled, facebook and socializing can be great therapy. If you’re wealthy and don’t need to work, facebook can be a great form of relaxing or if you’re sick and in bed seeing some familiar names to chat with can sometimes make you feel all better.

I always seem to come down hard on facebook maybe because I am dead to facebook and facebook is dead to me. I’m getting back into what God intended for me to do and this is to write. I think if He intended for me to twiddle my fingers and thumbs, He’d see to it that FB was a joy in my life instead of an idle/idol distraction.

It’s taken me a while to realize that facebook is an actual lifeline for folks and by me always negatively harping on it, may do more harm than good. My son almost slapped me upside the head and told me to stop ragging on facebook; that some people actually LIKE it. Okay sure, whatever. I notice HE is never on facebook but then it’s just not for him. To him it’s a retirement community for old folks. (remember, he’s a kid!)

Maybe I should stick to being lonely in the confines of my mind. I notice that no legitimate, successful author ever made a name for himself by sitting on the walls of facebook becoming oh so popular. Nope, his/her writing is what spoke volumes and that is where I’m at, at this juncture in my life; making my writing stand out!

I think this is the year I need to focus more on the seriousness of writing. Not just spitting out blog posts, I mean some serious writing. It might mean spending a lot of time inside my mind and that could be quite dangerous. It also means focusing on courses that will move me forward with my writing.

I often wonder if I died tomorrow, would all of those so-called friends miss me? Would they say what a great friend I was and how they’ll miss my whining, loving, caring words? I don’t think so. I think they’ll wipe me off the bottom of their shoes and continue on in their Mardi gras life, whooping and hollering about all that is wrong with the world and doing absolutely NOTHING to make a change. All talk, talk, talk and no action, except a facebook post.

May I walk with God all the days of my life and may His light shine ‘round about me. Amen!

Rom. 1:21-32 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
  Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,
And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.
Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
  Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
  For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
  And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.
And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;
  Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,
  Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
  Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:
  Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.

Change...again???

Rom. 12: 1- Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.
***

Change again????
 
I know, right? Day three and I’m still talking about change? Change already and move on! Sorry if these topics have you wanting to run for the hills, but really, writing is all about change. I have journals dating back to the early eighties, and in them there is nothing BUT change. It wasn’t as if I was writing about all the good things in life, no, when I journal I write about my life, in a metamorphosis, and as I sit here now, my wings have taken shape.

Change is a part of human evolution. Y’see, Darwin had it all wrong, we didn’t evolve from monkey’s into humans, we evolved from something sinful, hurtful, spiteful (think Cain and Abel) into something consciously aware of our sinful natures and only through change can we recognize the nature and change what needs to be changed.

We can stay the same, as I’ve seen many do, never growing and changing. Always staying the same but using a mask as a front so people see you as changing but deep down within, you are still the same. To change within, enormous leaps and bounds have to be taken, we can’t just baby step through things, like we’re walking on egg shells, or broken porcelain. We have to tread on the glass, we have to hurt and feel the pain. We need to embrace the inevitable change and not dress it up in some bible words. Give Him a little more credit than that!

When you look at pictures of people from say, the 1800’s, while although women still had make-up, their faces had different shapes, men had different looks too. As technology evolved, men and women did too. Today’s woman can be airbrushed, men can pop rogaine pills, we can hold the destiny key, and shape ourselves into who we want to become, without ever looking to reconstruct our inner selves.!

We can have boob jobs, nose, and butt jobs; liposuction, tummy tucks, manicures, pedicures, weaves, shapes, and anything we want to ‘change’ we basically CAN! But is all this part of our natural evolution? I think it is evolution on steroids! It has evolved into something grotesque and inhuman. I think Darwin would wake today and say, “See we DID evolve from animals, but I was wrong, monkey’s are the better looking species!”

Women have sold their souls to the devil, men have danced in the dark with them, all thinking that this is the way that we’re supposed to live; just a natural evolution. Has no one retained a moral to carry through life? Has everyone landed in a pile of marshmallow and allowed their brains to become pillows of disgust, justifying their actions by saying, "this is what we’ve evolved to become. Live with it.’"

I personally thought that we were supposed to be aware of something higher and bigger than us. I consciously am aware of God holding the key to my destiny. Change does not come from anything outward that technology has cloned. Humans have become living products of  ‘Technology Gone Wild’.

Change comes from within. Holding the destiny key of change, does not give you the right to cosmetically enhance who you are because, lets face it, you can have Parton’s breast (and hair for that matter, it’s a fake too), Matt Damon’s smile, but when you turn in at night, you will always be the you that God created.