The Fear Factor

1 Sam. 17:34 "And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:"

I realize there is something inside me that helps me overcome so many hurdles; I have the strength of a lion and the gentleness of a lamb. When you come face to face with a lion ( a rare event for sure), I'm sure you're instilled with fear. The fear factor is something that rules everyone, even though they don't know it has washed over them or that the feeling has saturated their souls.

Let me ask, when you're faced with a diagnosis from a doctor, you know that tingling you get in your heartbeat where it feels as though it has stopped but you know it didn't because you're still alive, as you feel the rapid rhythm pulsating in your chest? Your brow breaks out in beads of sweat, your palms become clammy as you wait for a prognosis; that there is fear, fear of the worst-case scenario. 

I don't think anyone goes into the doctors' office with the faith that all is well. You walk in out of fear. Most people don't even go to the doctor because of fear but by the time you've made it to his doorstep, you're carrying fear in there with you. Why? Because you know full well you haven't taken care of yourself. You know deep down the neglectful years are finally going to catch up with you.

When I finally went to the doctor because of 'a lump', I instinctively knew what was going to be said. I had done all of the google searches that aimed me in the 'most likely not' direction, but the final diagnosis became 'the worst case scenario'. Fear drove me home that day, fear tried to wake up with me the next day but the little lamb in me came and nestled in my heart as a comforting blanket of wool in a much needed time of cold despair.

I remember a few years ago when we visited an animal sanctuary and I came face to face with a lion! I actually stood in a cage of tigers and was allowed to pet one. Can you say that you've ever done THAT in your life? No, not many people can. The lion was big and fierce but he was wounded and neglected, that is why he was in the sanctuary, to save his life from years of neglect. Rory was finally getting the help he needed in the saviors at the animal sanctuary. As we came eye to eye, neither of us feared; we were both sizing one another up but as I went to pet him he let me know why he was the king of the forest with a loud roar and a snap at my finger. At that time he urinated on me in a spray and our uncle giggled and said, "That'll happen when they want to mark you." I wasn't laughing but I did find it cool to later that day go back and tell my friends that a lion had 'delivered me', I mean, peed on me. 

1 Sam. 17:37 "David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee."

When I was diagnosed with the Big C, I feared the doctors more than I did the lion! I feared the diagnosis, the treatment and the finality of the prognosis. I let the fear factor go home with me but I didn't let it pee on me and ruin my life. When the gavel came down later that week with the verified results, I didn't fear the doctor, I feared the treatment and the lack of willingness for us both to work on a positive outcome of what they had just sprayed me with. I didn't get to go home and be joyful to tell all my friends how I overcome the spraying of the venom that the doctors unleashed, instead I came home and told my friends of the fear I saw in the eyes of my loved ones as I said I wasn't going the conventional route.

This is when I realized I would need every bit of strength in going forward.  I needed to see past the fear factor. I knew I would need to look the lion of fear in the eye and let it know that I am a victim too, I am not a weak victim and my Savior is not a sanctuary for saving cats but a sanctuary of love for saving human beings; the Lamb would rise up to save me. I believe this with every fiber of my being. He knows it, I know it, I just wish the surrounding onlookers knew what it took to get me from point A to point B!

As many of you may have feared your dad as a child; the impending belt, switch, the hand of discipline, you feared. Many unknowingly carry the fear of accepting an Almighty Savior, feeling a little insecure in giving Him 100% total trust.  My dad wasn't the disciplinarian in my family, so I had no fear of accepting my Father in Heaven's discipline or guidance. I never had any trouble getting flushed by His spray of undeniable, unconditional love. He has marked me and surely is saving me from my own self. As I relinquish the fear factor and move forward with unwavering faith in a snail's pace enjoying the brilliant view, painstakingly hating the climb but cherishing the time I spend with my Father as the day draws near where we will be walking hand in hand on the shorelines of Heaven.  There won't be two sets of footprints because I will be beside Him, basking in all of his love and glory. As I miss my earthly father who now resides in heaven I am ever grateful to my Heavenly Father for sending out a boat, filled with life preservers and saturating my soul when I need Him most.

It is a glorious Father's Day! Happy Father's Day, Abba! 

Pss. 57:4 "My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword."

A Healing Journey: Understanding now...

Pss. 118: 23 “This is the LORD's doing; it is marvellous in our eyes.”

A healing journey: Understanding now…

What I didn’t know then

Ever since this healing journey began which pretty much feels like most of my life, flashbacks. Flashbacks are the instances you thought you long forgot but something triggers a memory and you wonder, where did that come from? I believe it is all part of the healing plan and releasing the old baggage to pack a new one filled with the good arsenal that remains. I’m beginning to understand now what I didn’t know then.

When I was diagnosed I kicked into research mode seeking out the causes of this disease and remedies because I knew that nothing I did in life was of the conventional method. I knew from the very beginning that the unconventional route was going to be my journey so I set out on a mission of research and understanding. The first thing I stumbled on was stress. Stress happens to be one of the main factors of many diseases we now know to inhabit our bodies. 

From the outside, you might look at people and say, ‘they don’t look like they have stress’ or you might think, ‘I don’t have any stress’. Allow me to tell you, we ALL have stress that has built up solid walls inside us that if not tackled and taken down WILL surface as an illness now or later in life. While PTSD is a well-known stress ‘disorder’, not reserved just for soldiers, people are reluctant to admit to their own stress disorder lurking like a shadowed grim reaper.

From the Science Daily link:
"Effects of stress on regulation of immune and inflammatory processes have the potential to influence depression, infectious, autoimmune, and coronary artery disease, and at least some (e.g., viral) cancers," the authors write. 

There is PROOF that stress triggers autoimmune disorders. Stress is linked to many other cardiovascular illnesses also. Just type stress and autoimmune into your ‘search’ box and see what pops up. Stress is a leading factor of death. The trick here is to not rely on drugs to assist you in healing. Drugs may be important for some things but not good as pacifiers that are only going to continue to disguise your symptoms. Later on, when you realize the drugs are not helping, you’re going to need to actually mentally DEAL with what caused the stress to begin with, one way or another.

For me, it’s in the way of flashbacks. I’ve had tons to deal with over my life but not as much as many other people, I know, but of course looking from the inside out mine is always bigger. I’m sure everyone feels that their stress is bigger than anyone else’s too. It’s like all this snow we’re getting in the beginning days of spring. Winter and Spring are having a wrestling match and since Spring moved into winter territory for years, winter now feels entitled to waltz right into spring terrain! My winter looks worse because I’m here living through it but when I look out at the world, this winter is mild compared to other states.

While healing from stress you need to look from the inside out. I thought I’ve cleaned out this closet so well that I could now head into an adventure filled path of healing. That’s funny because the more I clean out, the more secret compartments I find to dig into usually in the form of flashbacks. Just one little trigger memory exposes the hidden door. I believe this is where any prescription drugs you are taking masks the hidden compartments and you can’t find a complete healing. Doctor after doctor, therapist after therapist, there will be no healing as long as you’re on drugs; the compartments stay medicinally hidden.

I don’t have the luxury of drugs pacifying my memories and burying portions of my past. The shadow of doors are all open, it’s just a matter of seeing what is behind each one so I can face it head on, release the trauma, and edge my way to a healing spot in my journey. Recently, the further I climb down the rabbit hole the more flashbacks surface and expose an event I overlooked. Now where did that come from I think to myself, but then I know it is all part of the Master’s plan and a big player on my healing journey.

While I’m on the healing path I look out at those who are essentially stricken with the need to kill themselves on the drug route and face death. My brother, who fractured his hip over a month ago, was told he needed surgery. They’ve tried weaning him off alcohol and Oxycontin [gave him a different lethal drug], cigarettes [gave him the patch], and gave him physical therapy to try and mend the too far gone bones in his body. They told him not to walk on his one leg or it will put too much pressure on his already weakened legs. Word came through the wires that he is not listening to anything they’ve told him. How frustrating to hear. Nobody wants to listen and adhere. They all want to be part of the herd. 

I was told that chemotherapy might add a year or two to my life and the stubborn (or sound?) woman in me scoffed at their offer of drugs that would kill me quicker than any alternative route. I’m sure people laugh and shake their head at me, as they pop yet another pill. I’m sure there are people out there feeling like chemotherapy saves lives, but they’re also waiting for the bomb to drop that well, guess what, the disease is back, the pacifier failed.

As my flashbacks open further doorways in my healing, I hurt for the many who basically live with all of the doors closed and are only willing to follow the herd. I crave life and living while they feed off of neutrality. I long to stand firm and walk on my path while others take the train. I wonder if they knew now what they didn’t know then would anything change, or would they allow fear to reign?

A quote from a Dr. Coldwell:
"Needle biopsies, for example. People need to understand that a tumour is there to save your life. When your body is full with poison, toxaemic and acidosis and you are basically going to die of that poison – your body builds a bag and collects all the poison from your body into this bag, which they call a tumour. So the body did all the work. And now they come and they say "We need to do a needle biopsy." and pinch into this highly toxic tumour; which of course now explodes and pours all the poison into the body. And then they say "You have a very fast growing, very aggressive form of cancer." They GAVE it to you. They created it.

And most cancers disappear on their own anyway, because about 7-10 times, everybody has cancer in their lifetime. If you don’t become unlucky enough to fall into the hands of a medical professional and get a test done and they tell you that you have something bad going on; and the very next day, can start murdering you with chemotherapy, which is based on mustard gas. Mustard gas is forbidden after the Geneva Convention as a war chemical; they put it into your bloodstream and radiate you to death. Or cut you surgically – which always spreads the cancer." – Dr. Leonard Coldwell

"Cancer is not an illness – cancer is a symptom. These cancerous growths, the cell growths, whatever it might be, that we don’t want in our body, is a symptom; it is not the cancer. So cutting the symptom out does not resolve your problem, at all. And that's why it reappears. Or why they kill the entire body with chemotherapy for two years. Now, anything shrinks. Your organs shrink, the brain shrinks – and the tumour shrinks. Because they dehydrate the body. So now, at the same rate at your organs are shrinking, your tumour is shrinking. Now they say "It's working. The tumour is shrinking." It's [chemo] one of the biggest frauds ever." – Dr. Leonard Coldwell

Clearly - Grace Vanderwaal

Quotation Saturday ~ Struggle ~ HOPE

Job 14:7 “For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease.”

STRUGGLE

“Never throughout history has a man who lived a life of ease left a name worth remembering.” 
― Theodore Roosevelt

“Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light.” 
― John Milton

“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.” 
― Shaun Hick

“A Nation should not be judged by how it treats its highest citizens, but it's lowest ones” 
― Nelson Mandela

TASKS

“The humblest tasks get beautified if loving hands do them.” 
― Louisa May Alcott

“We were not sent into this world to do anything into which we cannot put our hearts.” 
― John Ruskin

“One of the greatest secrets of great leaders; 'they are not controlled by what they cannot do'. They’re directed by what they can.” 
― Israelmore Ayivor

“Invest in yourself, invest in today if you want to build a better tomorrow. Nothing will come from nothing. You have to be active in your own betterment, in the betterment of your life. You have to do what you can today instead of putting it off until tomorrow. Do what you can each day. Match the energy of the day to what you CAN do, rather than what you can't. Make a list of tasks that you will not neglect. What really matters to you? What really matters to you in terms of the future you want to build? Do that. Do something for your future every single day. Success is found in diligence and perseverance. Keep going, keep investing in yourself. Your life will benefit from it!” 
― Akiroq Brost

LEAD

“To lead people, walk beside them ...
As for the best leaders, the people do not notice their existence.
The next best, the people honor and praise.
The next, the people fear; and the next, the people hate ...
When the best leader's work is done the people say,
We did it ourselves!” 
― Lao Tzu

“A sign of power in a man is not only when people follow what he suggests, but also when people make a conscious effort to do the exact opposite of what he suggests.” 
― Criss Jami

“Real men don't dance to other people's tune, instead, they play for others to dance.” 
― Michael Bassey Johnson

“We took the path that led others nowhere and only we saw the light at the end of the tunnel. They warned us about the monsters we would encounter, the odds that we would meet. And they laughed when we got the scars while fighting the dragons on our way. When we came back out of the tunnel, holding the sword that they always craved for tightly in our hand. Bleeding and the sun shining on our face. We became the tales they wanted to be. We became the reflections of what they always wanted to see themselves through. We became the warriors they had always imagined of.” 
― Akshay Vasu

FOLLOW

“My heart says, ‘This way.’ The world says, ‘That way.’ God says, ‘I am the Way.’ And if perchance I choose to listen to the first two, I’m going to find myself so far off the ‘way’ that being lost becomes the ‘way’.” 
― Craig D. Lounsbrough

“If you want to change your life start by taking baby steps, one at a time, and follow your heart passionately. The very desire to change yourself for the better is a good beginning. So go ahead, start your journey- sooner the better- and with that burning desire within you every step that you take brings you that much closer to your goal. But remember there are no shortcuts in life; you have to cross every stage and mark each milestone. In your desire to reach earlier if you take shortcuts, it’s quite likely that you may wind up taking a long, grueling, laborious, tiring and more difficult path.” 
― Latika Teotia

“It doesn't matter which religion I follow as long as long as I am confident in my faith.” 
― Anthony T. Hincks

“The day she realised, it was not about the world but was all about her, she grew the wings. The day she understood she was not answerable to any of them who always blamed and pointed at her, she had the fire blazing in her eyes. She raised and soared towards the sky. The whole world looked at her in awe and wished if only they could be her. She was not confined to be on the ground anymore. She had the wings of fire and she left a trail everywhere she went, for other to follow.” 
― Akshay Vasu

HOPE

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.” 
― Paulo Coelho

“It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” 
― Anne Frank

“Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul 
And sings the tune without the words 
And never stops at all.” 
― Emily Dickinson

“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life. 
" Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget, that until the day God will deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is contained in these two words, 'Wait and Hope.” 
― Alexandre Dumas

Pss. 16:9 “Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.”

Light In The Darkness

John 9:5 “As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

Light in the Darkness

One spark, that’s all it takes to get the fire under you to burn brightly, to spread so others can see the light. We become conditioned to spreading hate, bad news, or controversial topics. Our hearts are set on seeing a reaction of disgruntled people joining together to fan the flames to form a riotous response.

Can you even imagine the inferno of passion you could ignite for God? Imagine the HOPE you could instill if you put aside the dark negative mechanisms that drive your day. I believe my mission in life is to bring hope to the lost, light to the dark and love to a world consumed in hate. I might be that one spark that’s needed to fan the flames.

When I was diagnosed with this disease, I felt fear and sadness flood through my screen. It was as if I told my friends, ‘hey, I’m going to die’ and their reaction was felt, even for a moment. That was a fleeting moment because my next step was to go to God; I asked Him, what could I do for You? I have this disease that everyone fears, how I can I show them there is nothing to fear and that with God all things are possible? Thus my journey began, journaling, documenting and researching and relaying a positive spin on my disease.

Job 23:10-11 “But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined.”

I remember my mother-in-law and her reaction to the ‘devastating illness’, was to come out to my house and see me. An ironic response to me but I had to understand, even she, a good Christian woman, believes this disease to be about fear and death. I had to set her straight as well as my friends. No one understood where I was coming from. I stood in the doorway holding a candle of hope and yet they stood, looking on with fear in their eyes trying to penetrate the light I held.

I was being luminous where they once saw darkness. I was hope and life where they once cradled death. I was the candle being set down in a forest of negative vibrations trying to bring a light to the woods that surround the world.

Fear is a prevalent reaction in this world. Satan has a way of slithering in and using fear to his advantage and people are like flies to bug zappers. The first response is not to see God in any given situation, people turn to what they are accustomed to and that is fear. Even with the best of intentions, even when they know the power of God humans have an innate ability to trust the dark before the light.

When I asked God at the beginning of this Lenten season what I could do for Him, since I had given up so much over the year, and His response was ‘think’. I’m telling you now that has been harder than giving up all the toxic elements in my diet! I have to think before speaking, think before just blurting something out, think before writing that grumbling response. I also have to think and meditate on what will be written on any given day. A challenge for sure but a task I believe I can handle. 

Mark 7: 20-23  “And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.”

God asks us all to think. Before we react to people with a defensive spewing of hate, think, and not for yourself, but what He would expect to hear coming out of our mouths. When we say we are Christian do we act like it or do we give people a reason to not want to be ‘Christlike’? Do we show the world that we’re full of anxiety and hate and that our first response is to fear?  I would hope that we all know where a fear response comes from.

It’s hard I know. Change is hard. Being strong is hard. Being a light in the enveloping world of darkness is strenuously hard. I never gave off the impression that choosing the right from wrong or the light from dark was an easy journey. If you don’t understand the struggles whether from the Bible, or a sci-fi novel, or a fictional tale of how the west was won, you should KNOW every aspect of life is hard. The choice in choosing the EASY road or the hard road is quite simple, pick what comes easy, all *cowards do and that is why so many want to choose that route. (*more on that in another post)

Think. Did I just call everyone a coward who chooses the easy road? I believe I did. I may be wrong or right but whatever I blurted out was from a stance of understanding the rewards of choosing the hard route. Examples? Let’s say someone commits suicide. To me, they took the easy way out of a difficult life. Look what they missed; a chance to try and HEAL from the warped darkness that shrouded them because the road seemed too hard. They didn’t give a spark a chance to light the fire of hope.

To me, and this is only one woman’s opinion, the easy route is filled with more darkness. An example is people think wealth will make them happy. Look at Robin Williams, he had enough money to live happily ever after but money was the deception that satan used, and in the end, the easy route got him nowhere, literally a dead end.

I think of my fellow man who consumes enough junk food in a lifetime as an easy route to feeling good and filled with life, but in the end, does everyone feel good? No, they feel bloated in a society that labels them in a negative light. To change their diet is hard stuff, again, the easy route is accepting death over life.

I choose life over death. When someone says, you’re going to die, I look at them and without thinking I spit out, AREN’T WE ALL? Then God taps me on the shoulder, a Light in the darkness has lit the world on fire, He whispers, “I AM THE HARD ROAD, WALK WITH ME.”

There IS hope, you just have to be willing to see the Light in dark places; a spark about to ignite into a flaming bush, a match to candle, the candle to dry wood, a breath of hope enflaming a sea of negativity, a Sonrise to the plethora of stars in the night sky.  

John 8:12 “Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”

Mind Over Matter

2 Corinthians 12:9  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Mind over Matter

When I quit drinking at twenty-one, people asked me how I did it, A.A? I said no, mind over matter. You know, that hokey stuff that no one believes in? Well, how about this, I get this ‘dire prognosis’ and am told I need chemicals and drugs to heal, and I say no thank you. Some might call it stupidity, I see it as an unwavering faith in my Father and my mind. I always use my mind to deal with matters. 

Ex. 33:11 “And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend…”

I don’t know about you, but when the Lord speaks to me, I listen. He very boldly told me, “I GOT THIS!” There were more whispers in my ear but you get my meaning, God spoke, I listened. My God doesn’t play tricks and tease me into believing Him. He doesn’t lead me down dead end paths. No, He shows me success, hope, love and I, like a good servant and ever the optimist, I follow Him. Calling an optimist/pessimist a realist is like saying you can have faith in God part of the time. That is not I. It’s God all the time; hope, promise, truth, light, and love every single minute of the day. 

With this diagnosis came an instant change. It didn’t take me weeks to give up the processed foods and toxins I was putting in my body, the change came with prayer, meditation and immediately the shift to healing the very next day after the diagnosis began. I wasn’t ‘trying’ to heal, I WAS, and AM being healed every second of every waking day!

I don’t believe we’re ever done learning here on this earth or beyond, ever. It’s a process where you either walk the path or you stay stagnant and just continue living every day, sinning and doing what you want in life. Free will is amazing like that!

Apparently, I have an amazing willpower to go from a toxic lifestyle to a changed woman overnight. Some people think God doesn’t work that quick but I’m a living testimony that says God DOES work that fast. He saw that I was and am willing to change, and when I prayed He gave me an honest reply. He didn’t say, “Go and the lump will be gone when you wake tomorrow.” The honest reply was in saying it would be the biggest challenge of my life! 

When He sees you actively changing and prayerfully asking Him for guidance, He enters the scene in a spiritual wisp of vapor and you breathe him in as if you would air passing by your nostrils. It’s often hard to call on him and allow him to rule your world, what with so much to do in life and so many materials to be had, and so little time to do what you need to get done. 

Me, I find spiritual time for God first and with him, it changes my worldview from a distance to in my face. Healing comes when He’s in my face. Daily by the minute, I breathe him in and let God be the oxygen in my lungs to heal my world. It is with Him that I have the strength and willpower to do what needs to be done.

I know that willpower can move mountains. If there is an obstacle I move it with mind over matter, God over man, herbs over drugs. I learned a very long time ago that the mind is a very powerful thing to waste. Mankind is dependent chemically and he has spiritually driven the mind, body, and soul into submission to the material world. The strong mind dwells in the spiritual realm and without exercise, like your body, it becomes a wasteland. Without the sustaining nutrients, it becomes a toxic wasteland.

A google search of the definition herbal medicine led me to ---> Herbal medicine: “also known as herbalism or botanical medicine, is a medical system based on the use of plants or plant extracts that may be eaten or applied to the skin. Since ancient times, herbal medicine has been used by many different cultures throughout the world to treat illness and to assist bodily functions.”

God is the great creator of herbs and if we ignore their medicinal usefulness for us, in a sense, we are ignoring a part of the Great Healer God that He has touched us all with and the ability to see and utilize his promise.

My hubby is trying to give up his unhealthy habits. He gave up Pepsi for about two weeks and said he couldn’t do it anymore. I said, “Not everybody has my kind of willpower. I don’t know where it comes from.”
He quickly exclaimed as a matter of fact, “From God maybe?” 
“Well, I didn’t think you’d admit it,” I said with a smile and a tear in my eye.

You see, when people say they don’t have the strength to do something, I boldly tell them, put your mind into it, believe, have faith, embrace God, and you’ll have all the strength and support you need.  

“… being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

My Inner Strength

2 Sam. 22:33 “God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.”

My Inner Strength

I remember as a child my sister would always tell my mother, “Let Joni do it, she’s the strong one.” Even now, with this diagnosis, my sister told her daughter, “Joni will beat this, she’s the strong one.” This is the reason I’ve yet to tell my mother anything about this, she’s not the strong one. 

I always felt like my older sister looked up to me because she sees me as the strong one. She always turned to me whenever she had any problems whether physically, emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically. I’m the baby and my family always looked up to ME because I was deemed the strong one, the one looked to in a time of need, the one once depended upon.

That’s a lot of weight for the baby of a family of eight, including my mother and father. I was the one full of courage; the thread that kept the blanket together and when I left the family unraveled one string at a time. They more than likely wouldn’t admit to the downfall of the family to my leaving them but honestly, if they look closely they’d see the total demise coincide with my leaving home.

Job 4:4 “Thy words have upholden him that was falling, and thou hast strengthened the feeble knees.”

I wonder now if I wasn’t led away from home and my family to build up that inner vitality because God knew I would need all my strength for right now, this place and at this time! When God told me to leave all of my possessions behind I did, going to Texas with the clothes on my back and some toys and clothes for my son. 

Looking back now I see God’s handiwork as He molded and shaped each instance to bring about an inner tenacity that I would need for this exact time in my life. He was building a solid palace and what I left behind was a shell of a straw hut. My family had drained me and I needed this stability to carry me through all that I’m enduring now.

Pss. 40:2 “He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.”

When I was diagnosed I could have crumbled, fell to my knees and allowed the doctors to carry me away in handcuffs and lead me to my death. Instead, I found this amazing inner muscle to stand firm, rise and announce that I was going to heal with the Lord’s handiwork. Was I crazy? What was I thinking? Where on earth did I find the willpower to fight what I deem the strong arm of the law, the doctors? 

Let me tell you, when I was a child I had to fight off sexual predators on a daily basis. I had to fight with superhuman brawniness and stand up to my parents for my faith when they were of a completely opposite religion. When I lost my first child many wanted me to fall; when the Lord and I overcame drug addiction and alcoholism they wanted me to buckle. Depression? Fought and won! I was supposed to do everything the way they were normally done with doctors, medication and follow along in life on a leash like a nice little puppy.

2 Sam. 22:40 “For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me.”

Instead, I busted through the ashes, I stood with the Rock of my Salvation after fifty years of struggling against what the world wanted me to be, normal. I was in no way normal and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to make such a statement. Nothing about God or Jesus is normal; nothing about the Omniscient Lord is normal, and I’m honored to not be normal with Him!

So when people look at me and ask where I find the ironclad strength to go on, I tell them, God. Where and how do I stand against what is ‘expected’ of me, God. God has NEVER put a leash around my neck to lead me astray. He’s never fed me lies so that I looked good to the people. He has made me abnormal for all the world to look at, laugh and scoff, and tempt me with lies and feed me the poisons of a system gone wrong.

You might ask why would a loving God do that to a person? So you can SEE Him, all his Healing Power, all His Glory, and all of His Saving grace. He didn’t whip me into submission; I followed Him willingly on my own because I found an inner strength and serene peace there, in His arms. I could have bailed at any time for an easier life but I chose the hard road because the hard road was going to make me STRONG and THIS is where I find my Inner Strength! 
All praise and Glory to God! 

1 Chron. 29:12 “Both riches and honour come of thee, and thou reignest over all; and in thine hand is power and might; and in thine hand it is to make great, and to give strength unto all.”

Going Deeper with God

Isa 33:19 “Thou shalt not see a fierce people, a people of a deeper speech than thou canst perceive; of a stammering tongue, that thou canst not understand.”

Going Deeper with God

My New Year desktop image is of a sunrise peeking over the horizon. The words on the page are Happy New Year; Go deeper with God this year. I chose this image because every morning I wake and see the sunrise in a new light. This is my hope for this year, that I may see God in a new light also, instead of the same old God that I’ve spent time with in years past.

The same old God, you might ask? Sometimes we get too comfortable with our knowing God and sometimes we need to be shaken out of our comfort zone to see Him in a new light. We go through the motions day after day, read our bible in the same old way, get cozy within our skin and continue on our path of sin because, well we’re comfortable in knowing that we’ll be forgiven. 

This comfort zone should scare many. When you get too comfortable, God usually throws something out there to shake you up a bit, to wake you up and say wait a minute! I found this to be true thirteen years ago when I was too comfortable in my marriage and my relationship with God. So comfortable I allowed myself to be used and abused so much so I became a broken shard of glass seeking anything to save me and put me back together.

My family was consumed with their own lives to worry about lil ol me and God gave me the shake up of my life that would alter who I was and who I was about to become. No, God doesn’t send you a married man but he does witness a broken soul and will bring two broken souls together to become one fixable piece of artwork, His work. 

Pastor Mike said something that struck me. Someone had asked him why God protected her while not protecting others. He said, ‘because you’re a child of God, the other person had nothing to do with Him.’

When we become a child of God, we fall under the protection of a Father, a heavenly Father who will watch over us from above. Just like our dad on earth, we become too comfortable in knowing he’ll take care of us when we get in trouble but when God calls him home, we feel we’re out here on our own depending solely on God to protect us. He is our only resource.

Our mother is the nurturer while our father is the strength we turn to in our time of need. If our father has passed away, we rely on God to be our strength when we need Him. Again, we tend to get too comfortable figuring He’ll bail us out; sin or no sin, He’s got our back. 

With all of the deaths happening recently, it had me thinking, was God protecting those people from all the evil in the world and were they children of God? I don’t know, which gives rise to my second question, are they all basking in the glory of Heaven? Had they gotten so comfortable with their belief in God that they forgot to think of Him in recent months before their death?
This is why we need God daily and not just casual weekly visits to a church. This weekly visit does not absolve you of the daily need to bring Him into your day. We need to go deeper with God and that doesn’t mean memorize scripture verses, post more Godly memes or try to appear to be one with God. Going deeper with God means just that, to know Him deeply, understand His ways, live His truth and be like the Son he sent to die for you. When you get too comfortable, you begin to show signs of straying.

When I see people rambling on with hate in their mouths and conveying negative thoughts I think what that person must be suffering from. Why does he or she hold onto so much hate and ignorance while claiming to love God? I never understood the imbalance that goes on in the world and as * I * go deeper with God, I can see that even He scratches His head watching his kids destroy this beautiful creation.

Even as He placed a warm blanket of protection over me many years ago, I still fall and His fatherly strength picks me up and moves me along the way. As I shuffle forward, I realize I am going deeper with God, in meaning, in understanding, in hope and in faith. 

1 Peter 4:10, "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." (NIV)

Leader

Follow your passion, and success will follow you. ~Terri Guillemets
***

In writing, we need to be leaders and not followers. As we go down the writing path, we are to set new trails for other new writers to sow, tread their own path. You can always tell a follower by the way s/he mimics another person. They will either copy their style, do what the leader is doing, or downright be like a mime and mimic the leaders every move.

On facebook I watch as followers repost everything that is ever posted as a repost. They copy the style of other facebookers, and do the same thing, where it all becomes a mesh of the same, insanity in a bubble filled room.

I like bubbles but ever since I got a computer bubbles have taken on a new shape and are not the soapy film residue with air stuck in it, it has become little pop up windows that are annoying and an insult to my intelligence as I’m trying to work and have coffee.

My peaceful morning is saying good morning to friends over coffee. Which is quite normal, right? Facebook is open, my rough draft is open as I try and write the day’s blog. But somewhere along the fine hairline of the morning, bubbles start popping up and I don’t mean one person coming in to say ‘good morning’ I mean people LIKING, commenting, liking other posts and the bubbles go to the top of the screen and it all looks like insanity trying to climb its way into my peaceful morning. And again, if I see one more WOOHOO and WEEEEEE, I'll just vomit. But hey you don't have to earn my respect, I have to live with your disrespect.

Facebook has been a total turnoff to me in the past few weeks, and as I try to gain my sanity back, I can’t leave the few really dear friends I have that are in other states and countries, dangling without a wave of hello from me.

I was leading the way one day and as I turned the corner the followers were following and then on another day I decided to change the lead, and guide in a whole different direction and guess what...they followed me again. :)

None of this probably makes any sense, but I’ll be darned if I allow one spittle of insanities touch to drive me mad and off the deep end. I need to regroup and rethink my path and I will not hold hands with the zany and crazies of the world at this juncture. I need calm, peace, tranquility and I will follow whoever is going to lead me there into that lightened path.

There are so few leaders of this day. Okay...I’ll continue to lead you...

Poetry Sunday~ Out of the Dark...

Psalm 146: 8 The LORD openeth the eyes of the blind: the LORD raiseth them that are bowed down: the LORD loveth the righteous:
***
Out of the Dark
***
The colors hang in the balance
the fluid splendor of delight,
is floating on a breeze
so softly stills the night.

Lights dimmed as it carries
a fragrance thus abounds.
I’m left with no glory
only clamor of the sounds.

Fireworks hold the flame
the torch of heat is present
the sounds lift to the air,
aftermath not pleasant.

Twinkling lights of Christmas
hold no glow in the midst.
Gritting teeth; I close my hands
now clenched into a fist.

The night whispers to me
the wind, the noise, the cars.
I sit forever looking
at a night that holds no stars.

Find me Lord here waiting
for your plan to unfold.
Forgive me some impatience
if the truth is to be told.

I long to see the beauty
that only you display.
Send my sight back to me
without  further delay.

Lead by Example

We lead by way of example.

At 21 when I gave up drugs and alcohol, I was setting an example to my older siblings. Go figure, the baby of the family had to lead them to the light. I have four brothers and a sister, who as you can imagine, all had drug and alcohol problems in one way, shape or form.

When I quit my nasty habits, I was revered as the different one. The miss priss of the family who wanted to change the world. Yes, I was laughed at and scoffed at. It didn’t gain me any respect in my family by quitting because it was saying to them, “Maybe you should quit too?” (I wasn't looking for respect either. I was only seeking God.)

I never ever pushed my beliefs on my family. I was bluntly honest and told them that God was leading me into a better direction for my life. Seeing me come out a changed person encouraged my one brother to join A.A., I was so proud of him. He never gave me credit for overcoming my obstacles without the aid and assistance of a support group, I had God and that was enough for me to get through those darkened days of withdrawal.

He believed that A.A. was the only way, and as the good sister that I am, I stood by and supported him on every triumph. He is sober now twenty years later. Then there was my sister and her husband. We were so close at one time and after I gave up the destructive habits, our friendship waned.

Years later, they too went to every A.A. group there was and found sobriety. Again, I was shunned because I didn’t do it the N.A. way, but I stood beside them too in all of their triumphs.

Slowly they all sought God. Was I the reason they all changed? I don’t know, but I do know that leading by example can cause others to want to follow so that they too can be a leader by example. I never wanted credit, I would have loved a pat on the back saying, "Good Job!" The Lord gave it to me in way of many blessings and that is certainly enough.

Out of my five elder siblings, only one is still an addict. He’s fifty-one years old and will still tell you that he doesn’t have a problem. Even after burning off one of his fingers in a drunken crack burning stupor, he continues to drink and medicate himself with Dr. prescribed hydrocodone. He watched his skin melt off, watched as the bone surfaced and realized his finger was gone. I thought for sure that would have made him see the light, but again, he says he doesn’t have a problem. Even my parents are alcohol free. (only because of medical problems, mind you.) God has a way of making you see the Light!

Leading by example doesn’t always cause people to follow. Sometimes they need the hand of God to reach down and touch their cheek and speak to them. That is what happened with me, I HAD MY EARS OPENED!

Be ready to listen because God does speak to you. So many people are hiding in the walls, the caves of denial that they can’t see any light shining in the one little opening.

Matt. 19: [24] And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

The road is hard, the road well traveled. Care not for your material possessions, just care and nurture your soul. It is by faith that you too will enter the kingdom of Heaven.

author's note:

The picture is from the Bigstock free photo

gallery.