A Dove Tale

In Texas, my dove visits

Josh. 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

A Dove Tale

I know my friends think I’m crazy, that’s a given. I’m always ranting and babbling about holistic and alternative treatment as if it is the Holy Bible of the medical world. I sure hope I never gave that impression. The first impression I like to leave you with is for you to go to God in prayer and see what He has to say about your situation. He DOES listen! He WILL answer!

Now the second thing I’d like to leave you with is timing and patience. We all go to prayer with wants and needs, OUR wants and needs. While God is all about our wants and needs too, with Him, it is all about in HIS time and not ours. Meaning sometimes we’re not going to like the answer we receive, or when we receive the answer.

When I was first diagnosed I went to Him first and listened to Him. Now you’re probably saying, “And He told you what you wanted to hear, right?” Well shockingly enough, yes and no. I had no intention of doing port chemo and when God gave me an option, alternative treatment, I listened but went for a second opinion from a doctor. It was obvious no doctor was going to hear me like God, or pay my thoughts and opinion one piece of mind. Nope, they were all about drugs and money, point blank! 

So, on I went for a year and a half listening, praying, loving, learning and healing. During this time I really tuned to the animal and plant kingdom. Whether it was my dog (who was still alive at the time), the stray dog who is still here four years after wandering onto my property, or the birds and squirrels. They are all a part of God’s kingdom and the kingdom I live in most of the time. Man has let me down on major levels throughout my life, so I have to have someone, some THING to turn to, I trust the animals. The squirrels, the Cardinals, the Doves, the Owls, the deer, the wandering wild turkey, and the Falcons; the signs, the wonders. There are more things I look for, if you can imagine, from God himself. I listen, good or bad, I have to listen, this is who I am, this is who God shaped me to be. He didn’t fashion me out of false clothing that I put on every day to prance around and show you, no I received the straight up Value Village clothing to walk around in and proudly display because this is who God created in ME!

I was recently hit with oncologist lies. I don’t know what to do with that. This is my third oncologist (I don’t have a variety out here in the middle of nowhere) so I go where God leads me. This doctor is doing an okay job, but he likes the fear tactics and scaring me and in my weakened state, I fall prey to what he offers. I’m alone and abandoned out here, I only have my husband, son, and my God. Yeah, that’s a lot to me! Besides my Spiritual Family, everyone else is just voyeurs along for the ride. 

1 Peter 5:8 “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

The Big C is nothing to mess with. I know in the deepest depths of my soul that this can be beaten on an alternative level but funds are needed for that route, funds I will never hold in my hand for say Vit. C therapy, Cannabis, UV therapy, a chiropractor even and so many more treatments but out of my reach. So I have to go with what I’m offered, cannot afford, but is covered.

The doctor wrongly assumed that by scaring me back into his office a week after my visit that he’d devour me with fear and I’d jump into Chemotherapy, the port chemo that he’s been pushing all along.  He hurried me in to tell me my markers had gone up, and unknown to me, had been going up all along, he LIED! He lied when he told me they were going down, they went down once, in Oct., then went up in Dec. Jan. Feb.! And here I was two visits in February. Of course I’m going to be scared. I trusted him! 

He didn’t know that his Navigator nurse had already canceled my oral chemo from being delivered. She had called the day of my blood test and told me to stop taking the toxic drugs and that is what I did, the doc was not prepared for me to say NO to port chemo. He wasn’t prepared for me to ask what the rush was and why couldn’t it have waited until my next scheduled visit. He mumbled and babbled but I was not ready to completely give up, just meet him on MY terms, not his. I agreed to the intravenous chemo drug Herceptin. Toxic and debilitating and I knew I’d need prayer and guidance on this one. Lord, don’t fail me now. This to me is not a courageous route. They won.

I agreed only if, by my next scheduled visit, my markers were still rising. I told him I’d wait around for the results and not wait to get home to be scared. I’m also going to ask for a printout of the graph that visually shows me my red, white and C cell counts. He didn’t know the nurse had one printed for me obviously because again he lied and said my red and white cell counts were rising also. I hold the graph in my hand and it shows no such thing. My red and white cells were still dropping. So we’ll wait and see. Do I go on or do I TRY and find another doctor. I can’t keep toying with my health! I run out of choices.

Prayer upon prayer, tear upon endless tear, decisions to be made, give up, give in or trudge on. My doctor also assumed I meant that I’d sign on for this drug and it would be in my arm like the next day. I said, no, I want another blood test before my hookup and he said he needed to schedule a test to check and see if my heart can handle this toxic drug they’re going to pump into my veins. I told him I work on my husbands' work schedule, not anyone else’s. We NEED food to eat and he NEEDS to work, I have to finish up my Physical Therapy and I’d see the good old liar in three weeks.

In these weeks I’ve prayed. I had to weigh the pros and cons. I shared with my husband and son and listened to their opinion, I prayed, because I already knew what ‘I’ wanted but I’d listen for God…..

I woke on a cold brisk morning, my feeder aflutter with my usual winter birds. For a week or two, a female cardinal had been hanging out with the sparrows and I asked her, “Where is Red? You get him back here!” Red is the male cardinal who only makes special appearances since he was chased away by the Blue Jay family. I needed to see him, I needed my ‘other’ family and that is the ones of the animal kingdom. 

On this morning he was hard to miss, his rich red color against the white snow as he scurried around for some stray seed. It’s funny when they seem to stop and look right at you, and slant their little heads, then go on about their business, but sure enough, Red made his appearance this day, no sign of Bell his lady friend.

In the following days as I waited to discern answers to my prayers, I enjoyed the bunnies at the feeder in the morning before the sunrise. Four bunnies, all of which I thought had moved on because I hadn’t seen them all winter. Tracks in the snow told me they were around but I never saw them until this morning when I turned on the outside light to see if it had snowed. To my surprise, there was snow AND bunnies! As the sun came slowly cresting over the horizon on this rare event of a day, (we never see the sun these frigid, gloomy days of winter) my birds along with the squirrels all started making their appearance.

This day was different, I could feel it but couldn’t put my finger on it. Then it happened, a dove came fluttering down with his mate, then another and another. They always come in pairs but recently the six-pack was only five. I don’t know what happened to the sixth dove. These were just your every day Morning Doves. Then the fifth dove appeared and I said good morning to them all. I know my husband thinks I’m crazy but hey, it’s all I have these days! Wait, what is that, a sixth dove, a WHITE dove! WHITE! Tears were brimming my eyes and I couldn’t say nothing for fear of scaring him away but I whispered, “A white dove! Honey, a white dove!” I was full fledge crying now, in all my years here I’ve NEVER seen a white dove! 

My husband jumped out of his chair and slowly went to the kitchen window after peeking out my window and seeing what I saw, a white dove! Through tears I asked him, “Please tell me you see him. Please tell me I’m not crazy.” 

“He’s there! I see him too!” 

A sigh of relief. I’m not letting God or my family down if I go this toxic route. Let me tell you in all honesty, I wanted God to tell me no, don’t do it! That would’ve been MY answer, but I have to listen. I could spin it and say God doesn’t want me to go this chemo route and twist His answer to meet my needs but that would be dishonest, that would make me as small and little as my doctor.

I was told to give it a try, if it has bad side effects that my body can’t handle, then stop, no matter what doctor liar says. This is my body, my temple for the Lord and I will only do what He leads me to do. If at the last minute my markers miraculously go down instead of up, I pull out of this chemo crud. I just feel there are too many obstacles that can’t be beaten with diet and supplementation alone.

Back to Square One… the will to survive.

P.S. In the following days, no Red,

only one dove, and the normal

sparrows and squirrels attend

the feeder. Just so you know.

This little fella visited me last year

Closing Up Shop...Soon!

Gen 2: 2 “And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.”

Some of you might or might not care but I am closing up my blog for a while. I have given you ample time to read my story, learn from all I’ve shown you and time to benefit from my hard work and research. I have not fiddled around once, I’ve given you my heart, my soul, and my truth. It’s time for me to rest, but not really rest.

Some will say for me to leave my blog open so others can learn from it, but honestly, if you’re not from my inner circle, you can read it when my story hits the bookshelves. If you’re from my inner circle then you should be fully aware of my story, my stance, and my advice. As for total strangers reading and gleaning from my words? They’ve had their chance and five to ten hits a day doesn’t warrant an open blog.

My Spiritually Family knows who they are! Daily or occasionally my link will slink up their newsfeed and they’ll click and read or roll and scroll. I’m okay with that because I am at peace with the timeframe of all that has happened, from diagnosis, to fracture, to healing to HOME. When all is said and done, it’s time to write and put together my story! I have nothing against self-publishing but I’d like to go a different route if possible. I don’t know, we’ll have to see where God leads me. And no, I'm not in a hurry, I'm going where God leads, not where man or the old selfish me wants to take me.

God’s not done with me by a longshot. He now wants me to focus on me; my writing, querying, my publication. As a writer you know the rules, my work cannot be anywhere on the net. Even as an unseen personal blog my works, my words, my strategy, and my end game are already out here for the world to see, as such, it is considered published work.  And yes, I’ve done my homework on that too, it cannot be already published and I am willing to give publisher's publishing rights to my work.

If you’re reading this now, know, you are my family, my friends, my supporters and followers who have watched me grow in writing and in life. Now I am going out into the fields of life to see what is out there waiting for me to blossom. Wish me Godspeed because I am once again, following where He is leading.

I will NOT cease to exist out here, I am going to become a somewhat reclusive writer who peeks out and checks on everyone from afar. You’re my inspiration, so I need to see what motivates you and keeps you going. My writing friends will KNOW where to find me, where this honing of my writing skill all began! 

My Spiritual Friends will spot a post or two from me on Facebook. I’m not going anywhere I’m just letting you know which way my writing is heading. If nothing pans out and I give up the ‘old let's get published’ game, I’ll let you know, but I think one thing you have all learned from me is, Joni never gives up!!! 

I wish I could thank you all by name but I can’t because each and every one of you hold a special place in my heart and life. If you click like on this post, I thank you, you’re the real people that keep me motivated every single day. If you like a post on my progress, you’re my growing Spiritual Family who really does care how I am doing. If you don’t like this post and a month down the line you wonder where my blog is, I’ll pray for you, you need more light in your life, I’ll pray! If you post a comment then delete it thinking I didn’t see it, I saw it, and now wonder. I pray for you.  God was out here performing a miracle and you missed the beauty of it all.

Maybe I’ll be inclined to start a NEW blog… a new adventure, whatever the case may be I’ll still be around, alive and the woman you’ve all grown to love. May you all find the truth I’ve shown you. God is alive and still in the business of seeing miracles through. May you all learn to understand HIS time and not selfishly of your own time. Patience IS a virtue. I’m living proof that the diagnosis of cancer is NOT a death sentence! Trust, faith, and patience! 

God Bless you and me on the journey of a lifetime! 

Angel Always... Godspeed! 

What Healing Looks Like

John 12:35 “Then Jesus said unto them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you: for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth.”

God's Healing Touch

What Healing Looks Like

Often times when people are in the throes of pain and suffering they can’t grasp what the finished product of healing looks like. I remember the day of dire diagnosis when everyone around me wore grim and sad faces, reaching out in sorrow to offer their hand of comfort and prayer during a trying time. I made it perfectly clear from the beginning I was not accepting the diagnosis as the death sentence everyone sees at the announcement of a Big C diagnosis. At this point in my journey, you could walk with me holding my hand or perhaps stand face-to-face in a guiding manner, or behind me drifting with the dust of the earth, your choice.

I saw the diagnosis quite differently and I think my stance took people by surprise, understandably so; I saw it as healing. Yes, you read it right, healing. When I took my daily walks, my mantra that I repeated out loud was, I am HEALED, I am Healthy, I am WELL! When I announced my mantra on Facebook my friends were kind of stunned, “You’re healed, really?” Their voices came through in words, clear, bold and loud.

“Yes, I believe I AM,” was my response very soon after my diagnosis of that dastardly death sentence announcement.

Pss.121:1-2 “I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth”

Some people were so aghast that they stepped back and away from me, either thinking I lost my mind or I was in deep denial. To me, they looked like little beacons of light drifting off, holding candles as they slowly floated away from me, off into the night sky. Whatever the case may be, dear friends became people I thought were friends and no longer offered prayer or support in any way. As a few folks stepped away from my inner circle, others entered, droves of people fanned in from out of nowhere, stood up and rained support on me. Not only on Facebook, where my Spiritual family dwells, but my physical family and friends I knew were all in PRAYER for me. They offered the loving prayers in their weekly prayer box at their churches, announcing vocally that they needed prayer for ME, or silently in their inner prayer circle whispered my name asking for healing. Little old me was being healed by prayers!

I understand that not everyone believes in God and I’m okay with that. I do have friends who stayed by me that offered peace and light, and that is a positive I fully accept as a blessing. My healing is not about religion, it is more about FAITH and my faith grew ten sizes in a day through prayer and blessings, in return, I prayed for those souls who backed away from me; they needed my prayer. 

Pss. 103:20 “Bless the LORD, ye his angels, that excel in strength, that do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word.”

I’m wondering if I came off as arrogant in my stance on healing besides people seeing me as if I was in denial. My first step in my healing journey was to stop worrying about what other people thought! Yeah, that’s a tough one for us all, but if it's healing you seek, cleanse yourself of naysayers right up front.

Healing is not about reading the bible more (though it can’t hurt), it’s not about knowing more scripture than the next person, it’s certainly not about dissecting the Word, word for word, and I can say it is truly not about claiming to know God more than someone else. We all own our own faith and beliefs, what you discern from your faith is where the true touch of healing resides. Although your actions are weighed, there is no amount of acts that can inch you closer than the next person to His embrace.

1 Sam. 2:3 “Talk no more so exceeding proudly; let not arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.”

Healing is found by touching base with God within you. Healing is not going to be found outside in the corrupt conventional world. Medical doctor’s are aids in healing, not the means. God is the greatest healing physician in our lives. For some reason, we’ve been conditioned to accept and trust that outside of God, we believers can find healing. Funny how that works isn’t it? 

Pss. 121:2 “My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.”

What does healing look like? How do I explain the explosive beauty of healing? Well, for one, you need to dig deep within the core of your being. WITHIN means not outside in a physical manner, DEEP within, in a spiritual manner; God, prayer, meditation etc., whatever the spiritual means to YOU. In that core realm is where God resides and is waiting for you to acknowledge Him and put your faith and trust in Him. That is when we find, touch and SEE the actual healing take place.

Pss. 121:5 “The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.”

How do we see within all that we are? You must be humbled by your illness, your trials, and tribulation. You might as well toss pride and dignity in the heap, also. This is not the time to panic or seek outside help. This is the time the prayerful meditative mind can touch, breathe, and be one with the part of God in you that needs to be reached. This might be the hardest part of healing, listening to God, not yourself.

I’ve always seen myself as a vain woman and that was a hindrance I could not release in my healing journey until I was forced to face the intense flaming fires of pain and hell, head on...

I was walking along proudly boasting that I was healed, healthy and well. I stuck my fingers in the breast of my jacket, proudly strutted my protocol, spoke to all about my alternative ways. I was sharing physically and vocally my success of this route that God placed me on. Only when I FREED my pride and dignity, I felt, touched, breathed my true healing. Yes, friends, with the aids of medical science! Go figure! The very science that God used in creation, He was now using to implement my full recovery. My faith, when falling into God’s hands, is what saved me.

Prov. 16: 18 “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”

My vanity, pride, and dignity all got swallowed by a black hole in an instant. When my femur burst out of my leg, in the depths of torments rage, I gave my all to Christ. It was at the very moment as I’m sitting on the side of the bed, pantyless and just a t-shirt that EMT’s had to come and pry me out of the room. Not just one or two, there were about four or five men and two women. They were either tending the gurney, the truck or me, bare and broken.

Pss. 121:8 “The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.”

I went blank, got lost in the swirling darkness that surrounded me with a couple of stars and gems in the night sky keeping my focus. I then woke to the reality of my healing on October Fifth, the anniversary of the day that Steven’s dad was released from this earth and went home; also the day that I was released from my torment and went HOME. In the midst of my affliction all of my pride, vanity and dignity were sucked up into a tornadoes vortex, to leave me, humbly picking up the pieces of mirrored glass I called me.

This is when God’s finger reached out and touched me. When I came before Him as Eve, sinful and bare, and begged for mercy. Instead of a soft touch, He embraced me, wrapped his ever loving arms around me shielding me and healed me with the warmth of His love.

Isa. 6:7 “And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.”

John 19:35 “And he that saw it bare record, and his record is true: and he knoweth that he saith true, that ye might believe.”

Acts 15:8 “And God, which knoweth the hearts, bare them witness, giving them the Holy Ghost, even as he did unto us;”

Better Days: Powering Through

Hebrews 6:19 “Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil;” 

As I power through my story, I see some as a hard read and a lot is a hard write but I power through to give you the meat of the story as rich in detail as I vividly remember.

It has been four years since I found a lump in my breast, two years since diagnosis, and one year that the cosmos sucked away from me and I’m trying to piece the last year together to make sense of it all. If it’s a hard read for you, imagine living through it and cleaning up the mess you find.

I think I want to put my husband on a pedestal for a bit. When you marry and say words like ‘in sickness and in health’, you are not ever thinking that the day would arrive and you’d have to pull up your britches and show what you’re made of. Many times its the woman who comes through for the husband and quite often there are times when the husband has to stand up, be a man and take care of his wife in ways he’d never imagine.

When my husband went blind in 2009 I was hit with responsibilities I never knew before. I had to become his eyes. I was always the homemaker but he was the breadwinner and he was shot down as he became a disabled person, dependent on the money he put into the system. Dependent on me, in hopes I would stand by my man. We sailed through that storm and came out in calming seas as he had a cornea transplant and part of his sight was restored. Smooth sailing afterward, right? Wrong. 

Not long after his sight was restored, he lost his one eye because it was beyond repair. The system made us wait two years for the coverage of the operation and by that time it was too late. 

That is when my health started to fail. Not recognizing aches and pains for what they were, we just strolled along twenty-twelve and thirteen. Not without a bunch of doctor visits, mind you, until the dastardly lump made its appearance in twenty-fifteen and it was as if we were standing on top of a mountain being forced to slide all the way to the rocky bottom.

Twenty-fifteen was a year of loss. I lost three family members, one being my dad and my hubby lost an uncle. My medical needs would have to wait. When I finally had a chance to face the music, the diagnosis was grim. The doctor’s made sure fear would win this battle and that my God was not more powerful than they were. They LAUGHED at my faith. By twenty-eighteen I had the chance to at least smile in THEIR faces showing them that my God IS more powerful than they are! God and I are winning the battle.

My husband would step up to the plate and take on the nursing and caregiving. His mind wobbled from having the task of putting our beloved dog to sleep then BAM, I get worse and too much was tossed on his shoulders. I prayed. I had friends and family praying, not only for me but for him and my son who had to take on caring for their now disabled wife and mother.

In his panic, he would wash, dry and fold clothes, rearrange drawers, vacuum, and steam clean floors. He would do any and everything to occupy his mind as he dealt with this new routine he was forced into. Like I said, no one thinks that those words ‘in sickness and in health’ would slap them upside the head full force and hold them accountable, but rest assured, it will happen, often times in a quiet day! 

I was home from rehab, he would now readjust and hope beyond hope he was up to the task. While his mom wanted to help her baby and shoulder some of the burdens, he knew this was something that he’d have to do alone. A meal here and there from mom but the rest, lay at his feet wrinkled and unable to be folded. 

Weeks would pass and he struggled to remember the water or the grocery list, or place the claw close to me, or my walker or wheelchair within reach; sure he’d forget one or two things but would remember so much more. He was fighting this like a boxing champ in the fifteenth round, he was tired and worn, but would come out winning with a total KO!

Many men will say ‘I’d do it for my wife’ and many women will say ‘I’d do it for my husband’ but in truth, none of us know what we’re made of until something tragic happens and you have no choice but to stand up and fulfill that vow you took.

The past six months have taken their toll on us but as man and wife, circumstance has made us stronger as a couple. Every day that passes he sees in me the caretaker and homemaker he married, and even more so I see the husband I had every bit of faith in when I uttered the words sickness and health. 

May this be the year we both get to dance with health, we deserve to dance! 

Pss. 149:3 "Let them praise his name in the dance: let them sing praises unto him with the timbrel and harp."

Quotes for the First Saturday of 2019

2 Cor. 1:21 "Now he which stablisheth us with you in Christ, and hath anointed us, is God;"

Quotes for a New Year Saturday

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.” 
~ Edith Lovejoy Pierce

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 
Whispering 'it will be happier'...” 
~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” 
~ Douglas Adams

“May Light always surround you;
Hope kindle and rebound you.
May your Hurts turn to Healing;
Your Heart embrace Feeling.
May Wounds become Wisdom;
Every Kindness a Prism.
May Laughter infect you;
Your Passion resurrect you.
May Goodness inspire 
your Deepest Desires.
Through all that you Reach For, 
May your arms Never Tire.” 
~ D. Simone

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” 
~ Albert Einstein

“When one's life has been shattered into a million pieces, most set out to pick up the pieces & rebuild. Others look at those broken pieces & decide this is their opportunity to start anew, the bigger picture comes into view. They see more, & want better so they leave those pieces scattered as a memorial to who they used to be!” 
~ Sanjo Jendayi

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 
~ Marianne Williamson

God has blessed me!

It doesn’t mean He hasn’t blessed you, it means we all see blessings differently. Just like life, some take it for granted while others cherish every thread that leads to life. I am not blind to the darkness of this world, I just choose not to dwell there in the playground and then come home to dance in the Light. I AM TRULY BLESSED! I walk in the Light so others can see me and hopefully a little spark of mine touches them and they begin to see the Light also! 

Happy New Year, my Spiritual Family, for without you, my light might have been dimmed. God bless you all! 

The Fear Factor

1 Sam. 17:34 "And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:"

I realize there is something inside me that helps me overcome so many hurdles; I have the strength of a lion and the gentleness of a lamb. When you come face to face with a lion ( a rare event for sure), I'm sure you're instilled with fear. The fear factor is something that rules everyone, even though they don't know it has washed over them or that the feeling has saturated their souls.

Let me ask, when you're faced with a diagnosis from a doctor, you know that tingling you get in your heartbeat where it feels as though it has stopped but you know it didn't because you're still alive, as you feel the rapid rhythm pulsating in your chest? Your brow breaks out in beads of sweat, your palms become clammy as you wait for a prognosis; that there is fear, fear of the worst-case scenario. 

I don't think anyone goes into the doctors' office with the faith that all is well. You walk in out of fear. Most people don't even go to the doctor because of fear but by the time you've made it to his doorstep, you're carrying fear in there with you. Why? Because you know full well you haven't taken care of yourself. You know deep down the neglectful years are finally going to catch up with you.

When I finally went to the doctor because of 'a lump', I instinctively knew what was going to be said. I had done all of the google searches that aimed me in the 'most likely not' direction, but the final diagnosis became 'the worst case scenario'. Fear drove me home that day, fear tried to wake up with me the next day but the little lamb in me came and nestled in my heart as a comforting blanket of wool in a much needed time of cold despair.

I remember a few years ago when we visited an animal sanctuary and I came face to face with a lion! I actually stood in a cage of tigers and was allowed to pet one. Can you say that you've ever done THAT in your life? No, not many people can. The lion was big and fierce but he was wounded and neglected, that is why he was in the sanctuary, to save his life from years of neglect. Rory was finally getting the help he needed in the saviors at the animal sanctuary. As we came eye to eye, neither of us feared; we were both sizing one another up but as I went to pet him he let me know why he was the king of the forest with a loud roar and a snap at my finger. At that time he urinated on me in a spray and our uncle giggled and said, "That'll happen when they want to mark you." I wasn't laughing but I did find it cool to later that day go back and tell my friends that a lion had 'delivered me', I mean, peed on me. 

1 Sam. 17:37 "David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee."

When I was diagnosed with the Big C, I feared the doctors more than I did the lion! I feared the diagnosis, the treatment and the finality of the prognosis. I let the fear factor go home with me but I didn't let it pee on me and ruin my life. When the gavel came down later that week with the verified results, I didn't fear the doctor, I feared the treatment and the lack of willingness for us both to work on a positive outcome of what they had just sprayed me with. I didn't get to go home and be joyful to tell all my friends how I overcome the spraying of the venom that the doctors unleashed, instead I came home and told my friends of the fear I saw in the eyes of my loved ones as I said I wasn't going the conventional route.

This is when I realized I would need every bit of strength in going forward.  I needed to see past the fear factor. I knew I would need to look the lion of fear in the eye and let it know that I am a victim too, I am not a weak victim and my Savior is not a sanctuary for saving cats but a sanctuary of love for saving human beings; the Lamb would rise up to save me. I believe this with every fiber of my being. He knows it, I know it, I just wish the surrounding onlookers knew what it took to get me from point A to point B!

As many of you may have feared your dad as a child; the impending belt, switch, the hand of discipline, you feared. Many unknowingly carry the fear of accepting an Almighty Savior, feeling a little insecure in giving Him 100% total trust.  My dad wasn't the disciplinarian in my family, so I had no fear of accepting my Father in Heaven's discipline or guidance. I never had any trouble getting flushed by His spray of undeniable, unconditional love. He has marked me and surely is saving me from my own self. As I relinquish the fear factor and move forward with unwavering faith in a snail's pace enjoying the brilliant view, painstakingly hating the climb but cherishing the time I spend with my Father as the day draws near where we will be walking hand in hand on the shorelines of Heaven.  There won't be two sets of footprints because I will be beside Him, basking in all of his love and glory. As I miss my earthly father who now resides in heaven I am ever grateful to my Heavenly Father for sending out a boat, filled with life preservers and saturating my soul when I need Him most.

It is a glorious Father's Day! Happy Father's Day, Abba! 

Pss. 57:4 "My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword."

Against The Wind

Mark 6:47-48 (NIV) "Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the 

lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them.” 

Against the Wind

When you’re in as much pain as me, you have a lot of time to just sit and think. Sitting is not good for me because the longer I sit the harder it is to get back up. But lo and behold, I’ve had time to think.

I have a dear friend who worries about me. I love that anyone thinks of me but this friend goes above and beyond in caring for me and well yes, he’s concerned about my progress, understandably so. 

I was moving along so nicely, appeared to be healing at record speed then BAM! It seemed to halt. What on earth happened? I tried analyzing and over analyzing but in time (God's time) I figured it out. A raging wind came that’s what happened, tossing me about to and fro.

Mark 6:48 “And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them, walking upon the sea, and would have passed by them.”

Did you ever notice that when you pray, you sometimes (mostly all the time) have to wait for an answer? Some of the time we don’t get the answer we want because we hastily let our minds go to work instead of allowing God to do His job. Yup, that was me. As much as I say I’m listening to God, I strayed off course because I wanted things done in my time!

MS Word keeps crashing. Let's try again.

Nebraska doesn’t have the tumultuous waters but it does have the horrendous gusting winds to either push or halt me in its path. I was sailing along enjoying my journey, patting myself on the back, admiring my own strength, and could actually see and feel a healing taking place as I soared. Then the winds came and stopped me and my ego in its tracks.

Well, it was morning when I tried writing, it is now afternoon and the zone has closed. I hope I can get back to the point I was trying to make if this gives me a chance. I notice whenever I try saying how good God is, something causes this to crash and it was crashing like mad this morning but now I’ve gotten more than five sentences in without a crash. I know as soon as I get in the zone it will crash, or some higher force in the realm of my computer's insides is fixing the little hidden bugs that are trying to keep me from writing.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah…getting the wind knocked out of me by the gusty winds. I was soaring along in my healing when I suddenly got the wind knocked out of me but the unseen force was more my arrogance, in hindsight. I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong and I can blame the wheat bread, the gluten, the one time cheat but I knew deep down none of that was the cause. 

I prayed. For months I prayed and while I wanted an answer pronto as I kept writing, and my concerned friend kept asking, I was at a loss why I was not getting the response I wanted or the time frame I wanted. Well, because GOD IS IN CONTROL, not me and He’ll respond when HE is good and ready. I need to learn patience! And it would do good if my friends knew patience as well. [winkwink]

Last week when I had my mowing spree and I even weed whacked; my underarm started hurting, quite specifically my lymph node on the side of the tumor. It had been showing signs of swelling and I just thought oh great add a thunderstorm to the mix of pain. As the sea swelled and I was being tossed around, pain, cane, back, everything swirled and swirled around me and I was just ready to give up and eat whatever I want and give up on this whole protocol thing. Put me in a hospice and let me go. 

I didn’t bail on my protocol, or on the rough seas churning about, I continued to paddle against the wind. I looked up on google ‘pain in lymph nodes' the other night and was reminded (I covered this when I was first diagnosed) that the lymph nodes are our defense mechanism. If they are swelled then they are in there kicking butt against an invading illness.

Google response: “Lymph nodes become swollen in response to illness, infection, or stress. Swollen lymph nodes are one sign that your lymphatic system is working to rid your body of the responsible agents.”

Last year upon diagnosis, I was told they were going to slice this tumor out of my breast and take some lymph nodes with it. Can you imagine? Had they taken my lymph nodes, I have nothing in my immune system fighting FOR me, they would destroy a portion of me that I NEEDED to heal!

Did you ever notice that when you pray, you sometimes (mostly all the time) have to wait for an answer? Some of the time we don’t get the answer we want because we hastily let our minds go to work instead of allowing God to do His job. Yup, that was me. As much as I say I’m listening to God, I strayed off course because I wanted things done in my time!

When I checked out lymph nodes on google and as I already knew, lymph nodes are a defense mechanism. My swelled nodes had me concerned and my husband of course worries with every pain I have so I try not to tell anyone anything because they read too much into it and want a hasty healing, not the slow one that the CANCER seas are going to take a person on. It is what it is, my friends, cancer is ugly no matter what route you take on the healing journey. This illness can't just be prayed away, or expected to miraculously disappear.

What causes lymph nodes to swell? I repeat! Google says: "Lymph nodes become swollen in response to illness, infection, or stress. Swollen lymph nodes are one sign that your lymphatic system is working to rid your body of the responsible agents." 

Read that people! LYMPHATIC SYSTEM WORKING TO RID THE BODY of [FOREIGN AGENTS]. My lymph nodes that doctors wanted to take away are in there FIGHTING FOR ME! Had they taken them away, I'd have nothing to defend me against this crud. My immune system would be shot, my nodes gone, and I'd be disfigured, more than the forty-seven pounds of weight loss has granted me. 

My Bible Gateway email this [yesterday]morning spoke directly to me! I was carried away by the storm not seeing the full picture.

Mind you that all this week the emails were about college or kids getting out of school etc. etc, but this [yesterday] morning it was targeted RIGHT AT ME! While I'm out here in the midst of a storm, Jesus hasn't forgotten about me, no not at all, He's right here WITH me! Imagine how foolish I felt when I'm always telling everyone else to have patience then realize I wasn't being patient myself! I was just as eager as you to see this crud OVER and DONE WITH! 

My prayers were answered in this little email and in prayer. God is still with me and has been all along! No, the crud is not over and done with, we still have a long way to go but the one thing I can say is that through the back-breaking daily pain, through every step with my cane, I know God is with me as I heal! The first half of my journey, when I was walking and soaring, was what the finished product will look like. Now, this half of the journey is the pain and suffering I must endure, the cross I must carry. Imagine if the first leg of the journey was all pain and suffering. I may have never made it to the second or third part of the journey. I would've given up! Allowed fear and negativity to show me the way. Now that I know what I'll look like healed I am all the more determined to see this through to the end. 

God works in mysterious ways, my friends. Trust and patience are the tools to see you through. I am no longer sailing against the winds. I'm riding along with them, and am at a place where I am SUPPOSED to be; not where everyone thinks I should be, or where I WANT to be, but where God has positioned me, in His time! 

All praise and Glory to God! 

 Isaiah 41:10 (NIV), “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

Giving Thanks - Thank You, Lord

Pss. 7:17 “I will praise the LORD according to his righteousness: and will sing praise to the name of the LORD most high.”

Giving thanks!

Lord, I'm taking this time to give you thanks for all that you’ve done for me. Let the record show that this is just a small portion of all that I'm thankful for.

When I was diagnosed with this illness it would have been so easy just to blame you but instead, I embraced this journey as another blessing, and I thank you!

Thank you for the illness that through you has made me strong but allows me increments of weakness. Thank you for shining a Light in dark places.

I thank you for placing a man in my life who takes care of me and sees to it my wealth of needs are met, and I have many. I thank you.

I thank you for filling me with the strength to wake up and face each and every day.

I thank you for my most dismal days, seeing you stand with me and allowing me to vent. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for letting me know everything will be okay.

Thank you for nourishing food, and creating medicinal herbs. Even though our government doesn’t see them as medicinal, you show me daily who is in charge and the purpose and reason for herbs and CURES with those herbs. Thank you for discernment.

Thank you for the precious food on my plate and the ability to buy clean water in a toxic environment.

Thank you for being my living water in times of drought.

Thank you for a wonderful son and allowing me to be instrumental in shaping who he’s becoming. You in me has made him who he is, for that, I’m eternally thankful.

Thank you for the seasons and the elements. Rain, snow, wind, and sun, everything you offer is of beauty.

Thank you for pain and for sorrow for only through them can I see the promise of a better tomorrow.

Thank you for loving me enough to give me a second chance at making it right with my health. 

Thank you for using me as a vessel of your message.

Thank you for bringing friends into my life in the virtual world that love care and respect me. I hope they know I cherish each and every one who takes the time out of their lives to pray for me and sees that my aching needs are met. I pray for the ones that deserted me in my time of need.

Thank you for showing me that my family really doesn’t care for me. Except for two or three. (Sara, Steven, and Adam) I’m okay with that and am making peace with the reality. I release them, as I carry no guilt for who they are. They have abandoned me, not I them. I pray for them all. (The once in a blue moon asking me how I'm doing is not caring for me.) I pray.

Thank you for Sara, who I knew from birth, was going to be a friend to the end!

Thank you for placing on the heart of that special someone who once a month, takes the time to bless me. I pray they know they are a cherished being, not a passing thought in my world. Thank you.

Thank you for finding me worthy to be your work of art in progress. 

Thank you for Grace Vanderwaal. She touches my heart with her music and allows me to enjoy the rhythmic beat with no past to me, no memories tied to her songs, just emotions I need to work through. I can see clearly now.

Thank you for the years on this earth. While others are unknowingly trying to die, I wholeheartedly see a reason to live! I strive every day, pain or no pain, to get through each minute of the day. I thank you for being there every second of the way.

Thank you for the opportunity of eternal life through your Son. I do not fear the beauty I know one day will be my destiny. Allow people to see strength in my serenity and to seek You when they need comfort.

I wrestle every day with the darkness trying to pull me in a different direction. Whether it is toxic for me food, cigarettes, alcohol, aromas, paranoia or fear, it tries surrounding me only in an attempt to smother me. Thank you for letting me see that it is You Heavenly Father, who holds my heart and soul and allows me to see through the murky mire.

2 Sam. 3:1 “Now there was a long war between the house of Saul and the house of David: but David waxed stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul waxed weaker and weaker.”

Thank you for still being a part of my family who is very weak during these trials. Fill them with the strength of an army to get them through these trying times. They need You more than they will ever need me. I grow stronger and stronger every day as their weakness smothers their capabilities.

Thank you for allowing me to trust in your bigger plans and helping me to fight the feelings of meaninglessness.

I may never thank you enough, but Lord, I thank you from the depths of my soul that only you have seen and known. My life for you, oh Lord!

Pss. 18:1-2  “I will love thee, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.

Faith, Strength, and Determination

Side by side, me and my God

Zeph. 3:17 “The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.”

Faith, Strength, and Determination

Again, after the diagnosis, I knew what I wanted and it wasn’t chemotherapy. The days following the Big C diagnosis I did a lot of talking to God and asking Him where it is that HE would have me go. I was listening, hearing, and leaning on his promise. I knew what I didn’t want and that was to be sliced open, radiated, and given chemotherapy for YEARS then be placed on meds until my imminent death. Or I didn’t want midway through the course of the treatments to change my mind THEN decide to go the healthy HEALING holistic route. No, I would need FAITH, strength, and determination!

I felt like this was a race of a lifetime. The race where I might struggle and fall at times and would surely need God to come and hold me up and help me finish each stretch of the journey. You see, I think people get the wrong impression of God being a punishing God, one who wants to take you out swiftly because you’re a sinner. They could not be more wrong. This is my take.

When God created the world and sin slithered into the picture God the disciplinarian stepped in to show mankind the path that we should go. We were aimed at leaning on Him and trusting that He knew what was right for us. Man didn’t want a Father to lean on; man relied falsely on himself to take care of matters. Selfishness and greed ruled and God in his eternal love for what he created gave discipline where discipline was due. Then he rested, He let man try and shape his moral dilemma and we failed miserably.

That’s where Jesus stepped into the picture. God, as man, lived on earth to feel the intensity of what sin in the world was in ‘real time’. What is so ironic is that God could feel the anger of mankind destroying all that He created, but he was never tempted to be like man. That is what set Jesus apart from the selfish greedy man. Man could not, then or now, accept the fact that there was perfection allowed to walk the earth. Man was and is still consumed with himself only allowing God into the picture when they need Him.

Prov. 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

I am deeply rooted in my faith. It is no better than yours and no worse, it is different. We are all allowed to think and feel differently about our beliefs as long as we know where to lean when times of trouble arise. Man still wants to do things for himself, a kind of not wanting to ‘burden’ God with his problems sort of matter. As for me, I always lean on God for even the smallest of things, seriously!

Well, this diagnosis was nothing small but I still turned to Him first. Was I wrong? In my mind, NO, I’m different. Some people take a doctors word as solid truth with no room for error. Some go for a second and third opinion for a reason, I like to think it’s because their gut instinct is telling them something doesn’t feel right. My gut instinct is God in me, holding me up and carrying me and giving me strength and determination in places where others might fall. He shows me the way in which to go and I follow with no doubt or mistrust in the midst.

1 Pet. 1:8 “Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:”

I got a first and second opinion and what it felt like was that same small child who was on the playground being bullied. I felt like my opinion didn’t matter and I was supposed to lay down my life for this disease and adhere to the almighty doctor who doesn’t know one hair on my head but thinks he knows what is best for me. Bullies belittle and shame you into submission. Out of fear, you crumble and fall, it's the human thing to do.

Luke 12:7 “But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.”

I went that route of the bullies as a kid. It didn’t work then and I was led down the wrong path and only when I trusted with everything in me, God my Father, that is when my life turned around. At the doctor’s office, I felt the taunting fingers, pointing at me, screaming and telling me I’m wrong and that I was nothing, I was not committing to their plan and no, they were not happy about it. Just as it was when I was a kid and turned to God, I was shunned, the doctors then released me and would not claim responsibility if anything were to go wrong. No tests, no follow through, nothing. Like bullies who didn’t get their way, they stomped off into the sunset, onto their next victim.

I was scared and alone but everything in me told me to trust in God. As in the past, I knew the path, I knew the trust and faith I needed to put in Him. No, it would not be an easy task but it was a route that I trusted in my very being, my soul was in the safe familiar territory.

By the grace of God, I was now filled with strength and determination. Out in the small crowd of family and friends, there would still be wagging fingers, taunting and unbelieving of the idiocy. How dare I go against what they themselves found to be truth and trust in the doctors. Who am I to go against the grain? What makes me any better? Nothing, she’ll fall! I allowed the doubts of the naysayers to tinker in my mind for a spell. Not for very long as you can see. Almost one year has passed and I’m still going strong, feeling great, am forty pounds lighter, and people now want what I have! 

Trust, faith, strength, and determination. They’re all yours! They’re already inside you, you just need to tap into them. It is hard since we’ve been conditioned to trust our fellow man but let me tell you this, in all honesty. You know how you have a friend that you trust with your life? You’ve told the biggest secret to and they carry it with them without sharing it? Then one day it happens, you come home and find that the secret has been spilled? Yeah, God’s not like that. He is the ONLY One you can tell the secret to and trust He won’t tell a soul. As a matter of fact, He already knows the secret before you tell Him, He would just like you to claim it, put it out there for Him to carry for you. That’s me! I share with Him my deepest darkest secrets and trust Him to carry it to my grave. He does, with Light and Love.

As I go on, He is my strength and determination. My faith is in Him and Him alone. The taunters and teasers are silenced. The naysayer is drowned out, limping along the road in doubt and fear in a sunny oasis waiting for one dribble of water. Me, I have a fountain full of faith that I’ll shower them with if only they’d be open to receive. 

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the EVIDENCE of things not seen. (My motto by the way) Strength is the leaning not on my own understanding and trusting God implicitly. The determination is knowing there is an eternal reward at the end.

Heb. 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

May the Grace of God be with you all! 

Poetry Sunday ~ My Country Tis of Thee...

Isa.24:5 “The earth also is defiled under the inhabitants thereof; because they have transgressed the laws, changed the ordinance, broken the everlasting covenant.”

My Country, Tis of Thee…

My country tis of thee

No land of liberty

Of thee I plead.

Land where my father died

Land where all children cried

Where man will always burn inside

For once, let FREEDOM reign.

My country tis of thee

No peace I ever see

Of thee I bleed.

Land never filled with pride

Land with arms open wide

Where man cannot safely hide

Why is FREEDOM pain?

My country tis of thee

No truth will set me free

Of thee is greed.

Land lost to all that chide

Land where no man abide

Where loyalty is put aside

My FREEDOM’s slain!

My country tis of thee

I long to trust in thee

Of thee great seed.

Land where the ground has dried

Land where no fruit complied

Where others all deride

Let FREEDOM not be vain.

Hos. 4:7 “As they were increased, so they sinned against me: therefore will I change their glory into shame.”

Gateway To Health: The Journey

Rom. 8:25  “But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.”

Gateway to Health: The Journey

On this journey, have I always been filled with confidence? By no means! No one can get a life-altering diagnosis and walk away being filled with confidence. I can honestly say that the only thing that I had the utmost confidence in was God and His promises. I kept that front and center of my mind before I took the initial step of Natural Healing as opposed to chemical healing.

2 Cor. 4:7 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.”

The first day after the diagnosis I sat in tears for hours on end. I felt for sure my eyes would burst from all the stress I put on them in one day. This was my day of mourning; the day that I put my past unhealthy life behind me and started off on a new journey. With staff in hand, I arose the next day with a mission, a mission of life-altering change! If you remember my former posts you’ll know the staff was needed for balance. My balance wasn’t so great so off I went…

My first line of defense was knowledge and understanding meaning a massive amount of research in what was going on in the disease world, specifically the Disease of Fear. Yup, that’s what cancer is, a disease of fear. That was one of the first things I learned on my step into the future. The disease is wrought with fear, chemicals, drugs, and misdiagnosis. To regain HEALTH, I had to wipe that off the slate right away and keep moving forward.

Some people will say that the disease is not one of fear but they’d be lying to themselves. It’s okay to lie to yourself but I went into this illness with TRUTH. God is my truth and God would guide me. Good or bad, I would accept whatever and wherever I landed. I landed on The Truth About Cancer page as well as Chris Wark’s page ChrisBeatCancer. Why would God lead me here if chemo and fear were the right routes to go, FOR ME?

Reading through these two sites (and many, many more I might add) I was being armored to go against what oncologists demanded of me. Demanded! They were not giving me anything but demands and fear-ridden protocols. When I asked for time to think it over, they demanded I make a decision right then and there or I would DIE! I smelled fear but once again I had to shrug it off and walk on and trust my instincts and most of all trust God.

Some will say, ‘how do you put so much trust and faith in a God that might or might not exist?’ Well let me tell you, I believe He created me, so if He wanted to take me away from this earth he could very well do so and he’s left me here this long. My entire life has been shaped and built on faith and trust in God, why would I NOT trust him now? Why would He let me down, NOW? Because this disease is a life or death matter? I digress, ALL of our lives are life and death, this diagnosis doesn’t change that.

Onto the next leg of the journey, drastically changing where the cause of this illness began, food, stress, and mind. One at a time I went through changing the food protocol, (plant-based for six months) NO CHEATING! And that includes sugars, carbs, and processed foods! 

The mind is a powerful organism. It can make or break you. If you don’t work hard to release the traumatic stress in your life that you subconsciously hold onto, you might as well go the chemo route because nothing will work for you. That’s how vital stress is to this disease or any illness for that matter. 

I was now dressed to change my life or die, I chose life. God chose life for me so the least I can do for Him is choose life also. I watch as so many people are given a life-altering diagnosis, like heart disease and the doctor says, change your diet, and no one does, just give them a drug to keep their heart ticking. Diabetes, the doctor says change your diet, and no one does, just give me a pill to keep my blood pumping. Obesity, change your diet but you say it’s too hard, give me a pill to help me along. Arthritis, change your diet. Psoriasis, change your diet. Do you see the pattern? But for cancer, the doctor NEVER says change your diet! But EVERY website I landed on pointed directly TO the diet! This is the only time in my life that I’ve found YouTube to be vital to aiding me in my healing plan. Using your Immune System to Fight Cancer was just another informative lesson for me to heal.


I am not in the fight for my life, I am on the journey of a lifetime, bringing about the change necessary to LIVE and THRIVE! While the doctors have all abandoned me, and me being in a state that doesn’t support LIFE, it supports doctors and pharmaceutical companies, money and greed, not HEALTH! The only One I can trust on this journey is my FAITH, my God, and my eternal Spirit!

While doctors are only given eight hours of training on nutrition and health, they don’t see the healing power of  ‘you are what you eat’. Their years of training are to pinpoint the illness and medicate. Some will tell you to change your diet and medicate at the same time instead of seeing if it is the overindulgence of bad eating habits that is the CAUSE of the illness or disease you’re experiencing. I think they know you won’t change and would rather stay the same and become dependent upon medication, they’re banking on that.

You may be too far gone to change (I don’t believe that, I do believe you won’t EMBRACE change, even when your life depends on it) and you may be in a state that is for the patient and not against the patient. We all have a CHOICE in the matter, that’s the greatest thing and even with this diagnosis, I CHOOSE LIFE! I am embracing the necessary changes to healthy living. My life depends on it! Your life depends on it. It’s what we do with that knowledge that brings us to the Gateway to HEALTH.

I live with the patience to endure day after day. I’m healthy, I’m alive and the change is worth a few added years to my lifespan. The only way I’m going out of this world is if God decides He needs me more there than doing my work here.


Rom 8:26-31 “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.
Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.
What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

The Christmas Candle

John 8:12 KJV “Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.”

The Christmas Candle

We watched this movie for the first time, The Christmas Candle. The premise was quite simple everyone needed a miracle. In a small town shrouded in the folklore of the Christmas Candle, for a miracle, they were told to light the special candle and pray. Not just any candle would suffice only the Christmas Candle from the town candle maker.

I’m not going to give the entire story away but you get the idea, light a candle and pray. Don’t you wish it was that simple to just light a candle and pray for a miracle? Well quite simple enough all you have to do is pray an earnest heartfelt prayer. Meaning, not just an emoticon will suffice, not just a ‘God I need a miracle’ will do, you need a real prayer. 

After watching the movie, I cried; the tears overflowed from my compassionate understanding heart. I know where each of those people was coming from in needing a miracle and it can be quite disheartening when you pray for a miracle and don’t receive one. I’ve been there before so I know what one looks like and what not receiving a miracle looks like.

We live in self-gratifying times where millions of people need miracles. You could line the streets with people seeking a miracle in their life but I have to ask, what draws them to wanting the miracle? Are they children of Christ seeking a miracle or are they from the school where they heard of this God who dishes out miracles so why not give Him a try? 

Do you believe in miracles of your faith or have you heard of His miraculous touch and would like a piece of the pie? Some people put stock in coincidence while some build their entire life around faith in the Lord. Some ministers standing on the pulpit preach faith but when you turn to them in need of a miracle and you tell them that you’re going to put your faith in God, he tells you that is all well and good but to have a backup plan because we live in reality. That is NOT what you want to hear from a minister you trust. Where is his FAITH and trust in God?

Yes, this exact instance took place a little over nine years ago to us. I’ve written about it before. My husband was going blind and we needed a miracle. We didn’t turn to holy oils and laying on of the hands, we turned to God and prayed for a miracle. Our minister assured us that we had the best of intentions but we needed a backup plan. Needless to say, we didn’t listen to the minister. We left that particular church, sought out a church of actual believers with a spirit-filled minister and two and a half years later our miracle was given, my husband had his sight restored. 

I know you’ll say, two years, I want my miracle NOW! Well, rest assured, you will not get a miracle when you demand one! The Lord asked us to endure the trials and wait, without a doubt and a backup plan. We trusted our Lord to do HIS work and sure enough, as I had every bit of faith He would, He came through.

We had zero health insurance so we turned to our ever-trusty government. They told us that my hubby had to be blind for two years before they would help. So we waited. The wait cost him one of his eyes and so much more but to see again was nothing short of a miracle! My husband’s license was restored to him five years ago and just the other day he had to get it renewed. In government fashion, for hubby, there was no simple online renewal. Nope, he was made to take the driving test again, to see if he could still ‘see’. 

Ironically, his nighttime driving restriction was lifted but the daytime forty-mile radius wasn’t. I say ironically because he knows he can’t see at night so that restriction being lifted made no sense. He CAN, however, see during the day but the forty-mile radius of driving was not lifted. When asked about the radius restriction, the lady said we’d have to take it up with the government office seventy-five miles away. How funny!

So what it boils down to is this, if he drives outside the forty-mile radius he is breaking the law. If I want medicinal cannabis to heal from cancer, I have to break the law. The government demands we abide by the law but prevents us from abiding by placing near impossible restrictions so we have to BREAK the law. Makes a lot of sense doesn’t it? 

Back to the miracles. We live in reality so there is no demanding a miracle to happen in your life. God has governed my reality all of my life and has governed man for a millennium. He has rules also; prayer and dedication is just one rule, abide or break the law. You do have a choice!

When I was first diagnosed, I wanted a miracle right then and there to POOF my tumor away and bring me to full health. God asked me to wait and endure and sure enough, with every restriction, with every family get-together, every trip to the grocery store, I am enduring beyond belief. I’m forty pounds lighter and healthier than I’ve been all of my life. My miracle is happening as I write. My Lord is faithful! Maybe I’m the candle you all need to see this Christmas season as you painstakingly endure the wait for your own miracle. I will not be lighting a candle to pray for my own miracle, I will be praying for all of you, He already knows who you are that is in need of one. I already have my miracle! 

All glory and praise to God!

Acts 4:22 “For the man was above forty years old, on whom this miracle of healing was shewed.”

Joni, The Rocky Champ

James 5:16 KJV “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

Joni, The Rocky Champ!

I must admit, I feel a little guilty feeling so good. I saw my sister-in-law, yesterday on the 6th at my niece’s graduation and she said after looking me over with a broad smile on her face, “You look great!”

I responded with, “I feel great! You wouldn’t know I have this dreaded disease would you?” 

The place we were at was a pretty big place with thousands of stadium style seating. It had an elevator to accommodate people or an open-aired staircase which allowed people to ascend via the stairs. 

Fear gripped me when I saw all of those steps, but seeing the family and their faces, telling me they’ve been praying for me made me feel ‘flighty’. I felt as if I could accomplish anything. So when my husband asked if I wanted to take the elevator, I boldly stated, “NO, I’ll take the stairs.” 

My other niece, daughter of my s-i-l, my mother in law, an uncle and I and hubby all began the ascent. Step, step, step, step I went, keeping pace with the floods of people in front and behind me as well as my niece and s-i-l. My sister in law gazed over at me at me keeping up with her and said, “Go Joni!” A platform then twenty more steps I went! I heard my husband behind me saying, “Show off.” Jokingly of course because all were quite amazed that this little woman who used to walk every step on a flat surface in pain, cringed with every hug because of my back pain, dreaded going to the store because of my pain, was now the Rocky Balboa of Nebraska ascending the stairs like a champ! 

Yes, I did a little fist raise at the top of the stairs, through panting breath I exclaimed, “I DID IT!!!” I was more raising my hands thanking the Lord for the strength than I was thinking of Rocky. But yes forty-some stairs and I made it. (Keep in mind the steps it took to get through the parking lot, to the front door, to see the stairs.)

While I felt I had the strength of a thousand men behind me, I looked at the stadium style seating with exasperation and fumed, I cannot go DOWN all those steps. Uncle said, “Why because you just made it up all of those steps?” A little out of breath I stated, “That, and my fear of heights!” After a little chuckle we found seating at the top and found they were pretty comfortable heavily plastic seats, not the bleacher style seats that we faced at a previous graduation two years ago, where I had been in so much pain, I had to leave the event and wait in the car.

Not this time, this time I was a champ! And to think I was hesitant in even wanting to attend the event. But my niece was graduating. This little lady has spent eight years trying to get this diploma to be a nurse. The course was full if I remember correctly when she first signed up and she was put on a waiting list where she tried to wait patiently. In the meantime she took on three jobs to fund her schooling, working at nursing homes and other duties of the field to prepare her for this day. She found the most money-making job in delivering pizza’s believe it or not.

I was hesitant in attending mostly because I would have to face many family members that I haven’t seen since my diagnosis. I prayed of course for guidance and God always tells me, “We got this!” So again, I took His word and barreled on. I didn’t attend the after party where too much food would be that I couldn’t eat. But we came, I conquered, and I felt GREAT! I made sure each and every one of them knew it too!

The other reason I was hesitant was my bladder. A forty-five-minute drive? Could I make it after having two cups of coffee and some water? Guess what people, I made it!!! We sat through an hour of the diplomas being handed out before I made my way to the restroom to relieve my bladder before venturing on another forty-minute drive home!

I’ll have to admit, I’m pretty amazed myself! When God said He was healing all of me, He meant it! He’s not laying down on the job expecting me to do all of the work, nope we’re a team! I’ll climb those stairs as long as He fills me with strength! I’ll bask in the sun as long as my friends and family are behind me cheering me on, I’ll continue on this promising road as long as God allows His Light to shine through me! Yesterday I was living proof for all of those who needed to see, SEE!

All Glory and Praise to Him on High!

Praise be to God!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 KJV “Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

AMEN!