Thursday, July 20, 2017

Loose Strings

Job 38:31 “Canst thou bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, or loose the bands of Orion?”

Loose Strings

I need to tie up some loose strings from yesterday’s post.

I forgot to mention in yesterday’s post that the day I came home from the doctors I went to sit on the back steps. I wanted to shed a few happy tears and just sit in a quiet moment of prayerful gratitude. I see movement out of the corner of my eye, and right there beside me was my Toady Frog. Yeah, I named him Toady Frog! He was there once again and every day I go out the front or back door, he seems to be near. He’s my new friend. I am actually in the habit now of opening the door and saying, “Where’s my Toady Frog?” If he’s not there he usually is by the next time the door opens.



I also wanted to mention all the stress I was under a month ago. My son seeking a job was really stressing us both, and I as his mother wanted him to succeed in his search, he as a fighter of all things young adult wants to move forward in life and for six months, nothing was panning out. Finally, he got a job he REALLY wanted. The first job at the food store was a food chopper at a salad bar, minimum hours and slave drivers behind the wheel. When the hotel called him, the job he REALLY wanted, he jumped at the offer of more money and more hours! He was happy, and so was I, until he asked for a week off.

Just so you know and I imagine the majority of you do, when your child (young man) makes a decision, it is his own and nothing can stop him. He wanted to take a bus trip out of the state and he had not really planned it out but he was determined. I let it all work out on its own (he eventually changed his mind) and it took my stress away immediately.

Then there was my husband’s tooth pain. I’m sure all of you can relate to a throbbing pain that keeps you up at night popping ibuprofen for what seems every hour on the hour, right? I’ve been there done that, myself.

In doing all of my research these past six months and my new love for coconut oil, I found that the coconut oil was used for tooth pain. Now I didn’t expect hubby to believe me because let's be honest, who would think coconut oil for tooth pain, right? Well, he researched it himself and sure enough, he read that it worked, too.

That night hubby was whooshing coconut oil in his mouth for five minutes. He said the thought of holding coconut oil in your mouth and whooshing it around sounded gross at first but didn’t taste all that bad. Now let me add here, he was ready to take off of work the next day because he was in so much pain and such as it was, it was a Sunday evening. The next day he arose and went into work. When we talked later in the day I asked how his tooth was, his words, “Not bad." He had only taken two ibuprofen because he ‘thought’ the pain would surface but the entire day he went, with no pain! He had made a dentist appointment that day but there was a two-week wait.

Night after night he did the coconut oil and now he swears by the stuff. By the end of the week, he was eating his sweets. The tooth no longer hurt! He went to the dentist when the two weeks were up, and he told his dentist about the oil. The dentist said that the person who had just left told him the same thing about the coconut oil! So here is Joni’s sage advice this day, toothache pain can be resolved with coconut oil. I have the organic coconut oil so I don’t know how well other brands work.

My doctor visit was mounting stress for me too. I knew I needed the visit but sure wasn’t looking forward to setting myself up for a letdown. But as you read yesterday, that problem was resolved too. Everything turned out okay! Waiting for the test results are not stressful because good or bad results, it will be the knowledge I need to move forward in my treatment.

Yesterday came and I woke feeling empowered. I felt like the woman I had been for the last month was gone and the Joni I knew myself to be was back in control. I was ready to face the world and my day after my shower of course.

It was my normal morning cleansing of myself but what happened when I went to dry my hair, I was not expecting. Electric shock! Yes, you read that correctly. I was nonchalantly plugging in my straightening iron and it happened, sparks flew, tingling ran up my fingers and in a micro second the utensil went flying out of my hands, fingers blackened and singed, yet I was alive. Tearful but alive! Grateful but alive! Shaken but ALIVE!

I began to cry and I called my husband in. He was sitting at his computer and came in and asked what happened. All I could do was hold up my blackened fingers and weep. He reached and quickly unplugged the instrument and threw it in the trash. There was an obvious short in the frayed wires. No fire or anything just a nice shock to my system. I jokingly told my husband, “If that doesn’t cure cancer, nothing will!” 

My strings unraveled and I let loose the ties that bound my soul. I’m good, all is well and Joni is almost back to her old self! Look out world! 

Matt. 18: 18 “Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.”

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

One Ray of Hope

Pss. 119:105 (NIV) “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

One Ray of Hope

That’s all I asked for really, is one ray of hope. I think it’s been less than two weeks since the Family Practice office called and asked me if I’d like an appointment to see a doctor. They just wanted to see where I was at with my treatment.

Well, I was told that my doctor GP (general practitioner) was leaving the office due to her residency being complete in July. July came and I still hadn’t made an appointment to get in there to see her before she left. Not because of me, mind you, because my husband had an eye doctor’s appointment and after that, his tooth decided to be in pain and he HAD to get that worked on, too.

So here we are in July and the Family Practice office called ME and asked if I’d like to make an appointment. She was a somber voiced woman sounding like the stress of the job was getting to her;  I said yes, taking whomever she picked for me. I thought she said I could see the PA (Physician Assistant) and we could discuss a referral maybe. I was scheduled for July 18th the woman said. 

I didn’t put much promise into the visit, all I wanted was one ray of hope. I’d say almost a month leading up to the visit were wrought with tears and angst, feeling abandoned by all doctors and just left out here to die. I think it came through in my previous posts and yes my friends knew something was bothering me.

I wasn’t sad because I thought this alternative route was failing, I knew things were working and I could feel it and literally SEE it. But I feel satan had his own plans in planting doubt and fear in my mind by the appearance of a lump in my RIGHT breast this time. Before you all jump to conclusions that my disease is spreading allow me to tell you. 

Consistency.  When I was a kid and even throughout my adult years of menstruating my breasts were lumpy Lil buggers, that is why this disease went unrecognized for so long. The lump, the cancerous one, was hard as a marble and grew over the months. The one on my right feels like a spongy little fella, moves around, making me think this is the difference in a cyst and a tumor.  

Just so you know, I SEE visual differences and this one obviously drew concern at first but then I remembered all I’m dealing with, stress, life, heat, monsters creeping under my bed. Okay no monsters, I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. You get the picture, I know. This is not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy! But I’m barreling through like a champ and am even wondering some days where I’m getting this strength! (Trust me, I KNOW where I get the strength from.)

I’ve never lost sight of the Lord and with every tear that dripped onto the floor I knew, God was right there catching them for me. Then the eighteenth came and the doctor visit was at hand. No expectations in the least. I thought I was seeing a PA and getting a referral. I know what I had prayed for but I was willing to wait a little longer for the answer.

But it came, an answer to my prayer. You all know for six months (on the 25th) what I’ve endured, encountered, been hit with from the doctors, all of my illnesses and I do believe you all have been praying the same thing for me. When the M.D., (yup, not a PA) came into the room, introducing herself as the doctor and asked me what I was looking for I told her straight up, I need blood tests done to check for any vitamin deficiency or any other tests she could run. 

She asked me why I chose not to go the chemo route, I told her, I don’t believe in chemo, it has killed too many in my family and I NEED to try something else, I have a lot of nieces that might need to see another route to take one day. I told her, I don’t want to die from chemo and that is basically what I’d be doing if I went that route. I also said that if none of this works and I die because it didn’t work, it is MY choice, MY body and MY death on my hands, no one else’s.

She asked if I’ve done any research on this method of healing and I basically gave her the rundown of my research for the past six months, she listened, asked questions and nodded in agreement. I never at one time felt like I was off my rocker. She looked at me as an equal not down on me as if she was the all powerful Oz. Even when I mentioned CBD oil (cannabis oil) she sounded interested. I told her of all of the success stories I’ve read, about THOUSANDS of people healing and being CURED, not just hundreds.

I threw names around like The Truth About Cancer, Chris Wark of Chris Beat Cancer to Dr. Hoxsey, founder of the Oasis of Hope in Tijuana, Mexico and the Vitamin C treatments being done in Colorado. She looked intrigued and didn’t roll her eyes or throw her arms in the air once, brushing me off. Instead, she said the words I longed to hear, “I can run some tests.” Tears started to well in my eyes, but I didn’t allow them to flow over. I said, “I think I love you right now.” She chuckled then went on to tell me she’d test my B12 levels, C and D levels, bone density and liver and the other organs, and as she was speaking I zoned out silently praising God, thanking Him for answering my prayers. “…lab.” That’s all I heard, I think I was in shock.

I did hear her say it could take a few days, maybe by Friday for results. I was just sitting in shock. I know I became quiet and couldn’t believe what was happening. My husband who I took into the office for support was kind of shocked too.

She did ask if I wanted to get a colonoscopy, and all of the other internal test and I told her, please let me get to know you first. Allow me one thing at a time; this is all so overwhelming. I thanked her profusely, gave her a firm handshake and off I went to the lab with a smile on my face and a sunbeam in my hand.

I only prayed for one ray of hope…my God gave me an entire SON! 

The following verse is what greeted me this morning. All praise and Glory to Him! 

Pss. 24: 3-6 “Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Maybe One Day...

Rev. 7: 17 "For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes."

Maybe one day…

Maybe one day
after I’m gone
they’ll remember I lived,
I breathed
I came 
And I went.

Maybe one day
I’ll be more
than a passing thought
a gleam 
in their eye
that’s no more

Maybe one day
they’ll think
of me
as if to see
that I’ll never be
No more.

Maybe one day
will come
when they realize
they missed
the chance
I’m no more.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Perseverance


Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

Perseverance

Diet and stress are my new high points in life at this moment as I persevere. I’ve deleted umpteen emails that are naggingly telling me what feeds this disease, what wakes up this disease, what to eat and when to eat. I’m now on the information overload of my system. Then this plant based diet got through to me. I took a deep breath and looked it over, not hating what I was seeing.

I want to try this diet but seriously, I’m not out for a diet based on what’s a good diet. I’m looking for sustenance in my health in healing this disease! Everything looks good except the acidic aspects of some of the foods. I just want what's best for my health.

July 25th will be my sixth-month mark since this diagnosis walked into my life like a volcano and erupted shifting everything in its path forcing me to rethink some things in my life, including the food I put into my mouth. I’ve badgered unhealthy eaters; I’ve even tried to twist some arms into change but then I came to an abrupt halt of my own hand pressing on my chest telling me to hold on now, STOP!

I don’t know if this is a bad habit or just a part of who I am but I always find myself worrying about everyone else but myself. Even now with this disease, I’m more concerned with those around me, their feelings, their eating habits, their unhealthy living.

When I say I’m done, I never mean it to be I’m giving up, I mean I’m done with everyone else! I’m done worrying about tiptoeing on their love or non-love. I’m done falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I’m done being something for all and nothing for myself. I can’t make people love me and that’s okay, I love me. I have to realize that I am the most important player in MY game of life. Actually, I am the ONLY player. 

Solitaire, it’s the game I’ve played all my life. Alone. Even with my most recent upset, I keep it to myself because when I share, I’m told what I should do, what I need to do, or I get silence, nothing at all. Yeah, I know it makes it hard to make a comment, but can’t someone just say something simple like, ‘I’m here for you’ and actually be there for me? I hear I’m here for you then don’t hear another word from them for months?

I’ve been wanting to write and post but really I’ve been writing and keeping it to myself because I’m virtually tired. I’m tired of all of the information, I’m tired of defending myself, and I’m tired of having to watch what I say. My son seems to think I have a lot to live for but quite honestly, I don’t see it. I might feel differently in a month or two but right now, I’m exhausted.

I have hope that one day, maybe when I’m gone my family and loved ones will FINALLY read MY blog, MY pains, MY thoughts and realize what they REALLY lost. I’ll tell them I hurt, they didn’t care that I hurt and were partly to blame for my hurt. I can’t be any more honest than that with myself. That is how I’m healing, letting go of the ones hurting me; even if that means the ones closest in my orbit who actually had the chance to love me but chose something else over me. 

Maybe being exhausted is a good thing because I can take the time to put things into perspective, see things from a different vantage point. It’s like looking out and knowing mountains are out there but not seeing them. It’s like driving to the mountains and finally seeing the glorious peaks and knowing the climb is the end game, not just observing beautiful mountains.

When I wake and ask God, what would you have me do for you today and He says rest, I want to give Him a Joni slap and say WHAAAT? But then I remember who He is and bow down and respond, Your will be done. Can I ever rest? Why do I feel like resting is giving up when I know it is just a pause in the machine I’m oiling. I have a little more work to do then…I’m done.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and she isn’t even a real doctor or anything, she’s a PA, a Physicians Assistant. What on earth is she going to do for me except reiterate why I need drugs and go the slice and dice method? That is what they are all programmed to say. I’m reading too much into the visit before I’ve even given the poor woman a chance. If she asks me what I’m doing, I’ll be honest with her and tell her, I’m choosing the way I die.

Don’t read more into that than I offer. I’m just not choosing to go down in a fetal position, in a hospice hooked to wires and drugs. I’m choosing to enjoy the Lord’s bounty of fruits and vegetables, His gifts to us and yet too many overlook because their eye is on the sweet, meaty prize, literally.

What I am doing and all that is left for me to do is prepare for my entry into Heaven and the walk that I look forward to. I seek that mountain with the snow-capped tops. I look toward the ascent to finally being free from the earth and all of the ignorance and disrespect strewed around like confetti on New Year’s Eve. When Jesus descended into hell, I just can’t imagine there is a place lower than this planet. I’m reaching for the summit in the sky…I’ll persevere here then move on to a place where I am truly loved and surrounded by love where ALL is love. I yearn for that. Peace out!

To God Be the Glory…

Pss. 37:37 "Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace."

Pss. 30:12 "To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever."

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Endurance

The wheel... has endured the test of time
2 Cor. 4:16 "For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day."

Endurance

This post was going to be titled I’m Done, had it been written and posted yesterday. Instead, I chose to close down, go inside my head and feel the angst that I was being asked to endure. 

I had an extremely stressed filled month with my son seeking a job, the death in the family from chemo no less (I’m from the school cancer doesn’t kill, chemo does), and then there was hubby and his needed eye doctor appointment and a dental visit. Then there was me tossed in the middle with my illness and need to pick a new doctor. 

All of this came flurrying around my face like confetti from the sky. I blew it away as a wayward strand of hair falling in my face, but the stress had mounted and I could feel the shift, the pain, the hurt. I was trying so hard but it all came crashing around me and I was about ready to give up. I’m done, I said, I’m just done!

My thoughts and feelings were getting hard to catalog. I could not compartmentalize them, I had to face each one head on, I had to endure. I woke this morning with a swift slap in the face with a God moment. My Encouragement For The Day came via my Bible Gateway message. 

This is what greeted me today, first thing in the quiet of the morning:
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5 (ESV)

Wow, this is one not to be scanned over real quick; I was forced to read it after that intro. I went through word after word, the writer was a twenty-five-year breast cancer survivor and now after all of these years she’s faced with her daughter having to go through the same exact illness. She couldn’t protect her daughter from this event, they would just have to endure it, together. I’ll hit the high points of the email: Suffering produces endurance, Endurance produces character, character produces hope. 

There it is in a nutshell HOPE! I woke to hope! Yesterday I was done, I was giving up, I was just ready to shove a slice of pizza in my face, stop all supplements, have everyone laugh at me and say I told ya so, and I was making plans in my head to go home, to my Heavenly Home, that is. And I woke to this message of hope. What am I supposed to do with that? Endure and have continued hope is what!


2 Cor. 4:17-18 (KJV) “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

Stress level on a scale of one to ten – nine! let’s go over it:

Me- In need of finding a doctor for this serious illness invading my body. (more on that in later posts)

My son – He found a really good job making good money and a week after he started, he asked for a week vacation at the end of July; a vacation to go to Kentucky to meet online friends. That’s what I taught him, run off and meet your online friends. He’s twenty-one and I cannot stop this train from going down the track, I have my own stress and seriously don’t need this, but it is what it is. He has a hard-as-a-rock head on his shoulders and I can’t say anything. (wow, he’s just like his mother!)

My hubby - An eye doctor’s appointment went well, but the eye doctor of eight years told us this would be the last time we’d see him. Shock, hurt, memories, everything came through the floodgates!

A funeral – Need I say more? His aunt succumbed to chemo.

The dentist – No insurance and a filling it wasn’t meant to be. I won’t say any more than that. This was the tip of the iceberg of a stressful month. Especially when the (doctor’s wife, hygienist) looked at me and asked if I was my husbands' mother. Insult after insult (my brother-in-law writes too, as a hobby, she says.) “Good thing you weren’t working so you could drive your husband to all of the doctor’s appointments.”  Slice after slice, cut, chop, throw me to the wolves. The wolf being a gray-haired, forty-five-year-old overworked mother. I was her target for the day and wonder how she even has the job she has.

I left in tears, wanting to just go home to the Lord. I’m done, I can’t handle this. I can’t handle all of the doubts coming through via my screen from people who say they support me but are really living Doubting Thomas’! The message of what to eat vs. what not to eat, what to take and what not to take, email after email asking to buy this cure in a bottle. No money has me deleting the majority of the supplement spiel.

I woke to find the email telling me to endure. To be filled with hope during a most trying time. To have faith where others wane. To stand tall and muddle through this thickened mire. It is my job to give hope and here I was being filled. I need a break from stress and worry. I need to stand in a downpour and release all that ails me. I need to embrace the journey and walk with hope in my hand.

The Holy Spirit flowing through us is God and His earthly blood/waters running through our veins. There is no doubting in the floodwaters. There may be pain, there sure will be stress, you’ll face trials of ignorance from the outside world but you’ll find the strength in God to endure, whatever it is you have to endure to get through another day.


Isa. 26:4 (KJV) “Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength:”

I give all praise and Glory to God! 

Alleluia AMEN!




Tuesday, July 11, 2017

To Your Health

Psalm 27:7  9-10 (NIV)
“Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. ... Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.”

To Your Health

Nobody wants to hear about health; they want to hear about God, they want to hear the day's news, they wade through recipes, they saunter through the food stores, basically going through their day. They go on ignoring their health issues until it bites them in the butt and they HAVE to face what ails them and is making them sick.

I remember as a child being taught about the food pyramid but was it my duty as a child to uphold the nutrition that went into my body? While I believe it was my mother and father's job it became my job after I grew up. While my father worked hard to put food on the plate, my mother scraped by bringing us the meals we’d eat and more times than not beef and potatoes is what was for dinner. 

I grew up and took charge of what went in my body which meant no more beef and potatoes for sure. But I still chose unhealthy processed foods, takeout, you name it, I was the queen of unhealthy habits. Now look at me, this disease wants to own me and I’m shoving back and going to kill IT before it kills me! 

Isn’t that the way it usually happens, you’re young and carefree living high and mighty when BAM, your heart literally pains you and you go to the hospital? Or your head, back knees, teeth, hurt so bad you NEED to seek out medical attention.

Why is it we only care about our health after we’ve failed taking care of it for thirty, forty, fifty years? Our bodies are sending out signals while we’re young and living a careless lifestyle, we just don’t hear or because we don’t have insurance to cover our medical expenses, we put our health issues on the back burner, literally putting blinders on so we don't see the illness while it is destroying our inside. We’ll take care of it when the need arises but right here and now…careless living is what we’re about.

If you have a headache, the first thing you do is reach for a pill. A headache is your system telling you something just isn’t right. Insomnia, that is another hindrance of your body telling you something is just off kilter. A fever, pains, whatever the problem, these are mechanisms that your body is screaming out to you to open your eyes and LOOK at the problem, don’t pacify the ill. But no, we’re addicted to pacifiers; we don’t want a cure we just want the pain to go away and the pills will make it go away.

And we wonder how we became a world addicted to opiates and drugs? Do you wonder how this western culture enabled us to become the most overweight species around the globe? When looking at other countries as a whole, is the first thing you see is an overweight society? Not yet, until parts of America like McDonald’s and Burger King enter their everyday eating, then you’ll see them balloon!

I hate to badger my country but you're okay with the ‘powers that be’ leading you to your death? Toxically vaccinating infants, pushing pills like opiates, Oxycontin, barbiturates to be the remedy to what ails sick people? Filling humans with over processed food, genetically modified fruits, vegetables, and meat? Allowing chemicals like glyphosate to be readily ingested in a majority of what you put into your mouth. You’re okay with a sick and unhealthy nation?

I was never okay with the way we’re being used as lab rats. I also never thought there was anything I could do about the dilemma facing an entire country. Well, I CAN do something, one person at a time! It might be a small start but if fifty people read my blog and actually start to think about their health and nutrition, I made a dent. If they actually take action to better their health, I’ve made a bigger dent. You see, the ocean has beautiful waves lapping the shore, each little or big wave makes a difference in the shoreline!

We might feel inadequate like we are too small to make a difference but honestly, we need to wake up and look in the mirror and begin to make that change we want to see in the world, one small step at a time.

It all begins with your health! If you’re not sick, think about changing your unhealthy diet now. If you are having ailments, wake up and change what goes into your mouth! If you’re just happy the way you are (are you really happy?) do nothing and live. Me, I want to make a difference in the world, one word at a time. Here's to your health! 

Godspeed…

Monday, July 10, 2017

Poetry Sunday ~ On a Monday ~ Tear Catcher

Job 16:20 “My friends scorn me: but mine eye poureth out tears unto God.”

Tear Catcher

I feel the doubts like shouts
lingering in my soul.
not from within but without
are ones that play a role.

I cannot find a protocol
that keeps this ill at bay
I cannot bear all the words
that people never say.

Taunted with their falsity
the fake fa├žade they feel
their glazed over face says one thing
while the mind will whisper what’s real.

Tissues fill the trashcan
with tears that I’d cast down
tripping on my own thoughts
as a smile turns to a frown.

Dear God as you walk with me
along the storm-filled path
allow in me a peace unknown
Release this inner wrath.

Pss. 6:6 “I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.”