Saturday, June 24, 2017

Transforming

Rom. 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

Transforming

There are numerous scientific studies that show the way we habitually think changes our physiological makeup in our brains. To me, it shows that the biblical verse telling us to be transformed means so much more than just follow Christ. I read so much more into scripture and it is never a clear-cut literal meaning to me when I read something from the Holy Bible.

God wants us to be transformed. He didn’t want us following the ways of the world because He knew even back when he was creating, that this world would be corrupted and we needed to be strong in our minds to stand up against the wiles of the world.

2 Cor. 11:13-15 “For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works.”

When I write about healing this dastardly disease, I in no way think I’m doing this all on my own. I know there are many out there that think I’m crazy, “change your diet and heal” how silly is that. If that were the case doctors would be prescribing healthy food change instead of the poisons they so often dish out, right? Wrong. Doctors are trained to dish out pharmaceuticals. They’re not in the health business nor will they promote it. They to me are no different than drug dealers, they just have legal means to get through the red tape.

While I’ve always been a follower of Christ, being transformed is a whole different matter. When you think of someone who has gone through a transformation what is the first thing that comes to your mind? That they’ve changed in their entirety right? Not just something as physical as a nose job or facelift. Facial physical features usually conjure the words, they’ve had work done. Think about that, there is a difference in a physical transformation and a spiritual metaphysical one.

Rom. 2:19 "And art confident that thou thyself are a guide to the blind, a light of them which are in darkness."

I myself am not conformed to this world but there is always room for growth within the realm of transformation. While I may have physically appeared to be transformed on the outside, this illness has caused me to transform on the inside as well. If I were to look at an x-ray of my insides I more than likely would be looking at the transformation this disease has wrought on all the cogs of this machine I call my body.

Now if a doctor looked at my x-rays, as they have, seeing everything askew, the first thing they offer is drugs, not health and diet changes. They want to physically chop me up and radiate me and I just don’t feel like conforming to their method when God Himself tells me to ‘be transformed’. Again, a transformation is nothing physical to ME!

If I thought in my mind for a minute that the slice and dice method was for me, I’d go that route with no hesitancy. Instead, my mind is conformed to the way of God and I’m being transformed physically, mentally and spiritually! 

It’s ironic, have you ever wondered why you need a doctor in the first place? You botched up your health (temple) and you need the doctor to pacify you. You NEED the drugs. To transform your health is quite difficult so the road most frequented seems like the right road to take. It is quite obvious to me that I screwed up taking care of my health, so when the doctor offered a pacifying method, I chose to go to God and see what He says. I need to clean and take care of my temple (body) and treat it as the sacred place of God if I’m ever to survive this disease.

1 Cor. 3:16- 17 “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy that person; for God’s temple is sacred, and you together are that temple.”

Here I am today, in a transformation stage. I feel like a butterfly inside the cocoon wriggling and squirming, waiting to be set free. Then it happens, I wake one day and look in the mirror and don’t see the same ol’ unhealthy person that used to be there, I’ve been granted wings to FLY.

Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

He’s arrived. I waited; He showed up and gave me wings to fly, to be transformed, to heal, inside and out. He gave me the ability to run and not be weary, to walk and not faint. He’s allowed me to soar and not be conformed to this world. I am transforming!

All praise and Glory to God!

Friday, June 23, 2017

Moving Right Along...Healing

Luke 9:11 And the people, when they knew it, followed him: and he received them, and spake unto them of the kingdom of God, and healed them that had need of healing.

Moving right along… HEALING

While some might see my alternative treatment actions of this disease of mine as bungee jumping without any bungee cords, I see myself as jumping with a safety net; a net filled with cotton balls no less!

You see, chemotherapy is not safe bungee cord. Chemo is a frayed bungee cord that they hand you after you’ve already paid the enormous jumping fee. Then you find out that the bridge is under construction and could topple mid jump and most assuredly you won’t make it alive. You will have a long arduous life wrought with pain and sicknesses of all kinds, but hey, that’s the price you pay when bungee jumping from the Chemo bridge.

As people struggle to understand my approach, I struggle to understand their soapbox that they stand on and think they know all of the facts because of a couple people who survived with the chemo treatments. I have yet to see a success story unless it was caught early on and they had minimal treatments. They STILL had to change their eating habits and lifestyle or guess what, their frayed cord comes back to haunt them, it stings them for years.

I apparently have been living with this disease for YEARS. The lump didn’t just pop up over night. Nope, it isn’t the size of a pea either! I allowed the lump to grow for a year before I got it checked out because of no health insurance and believe me, it didn’t appear at a moment's notice either. If you believe it did, then you must also believe the earth was brought about by a Big Bang Theory.

Just as the Creator didn’t blink Earth into existence overnight, He took his time and made sure everything was perfect, just perfect. Everything was moving right along until an entity came along with a ‘better idea’ of how to run things. We all see how that turned out, don’t we? We are no longer living in a perfect creation.

Remember, before satan came along the earth was flourishing with herbs and spices, and untainted animals. The atmosphere wasn’t full of toxins. The waters were clean enough to drink and bathe in, and the food was good enough to eat. In those days when people got sick, I can most assure you that what healed them was herbal teas. They tiptoed out in the fields, plucked flowers and leaves and boiled them in water to make a tea to drink in hopes it would heal their beloved sick. 

Through tried and true measures, they found what worked and the results were handed down to their fellow man. Then it happened, again satan felt he knew how to run this machine better than man. Greed came out to play and you see before you the game he spun, the Big Pharma who has pockets deeper than any valley. The laughter is echoed as people die but their pockets are full and their lives are monetarily rich beyond measure. Good job, satan!

Many people are conditioned, or brainwashed into believing everything they are told. Me, I’ve always had a way of finding my own way, walking in faith with one hand in Gods' hand, the other with the truth. God didn’t give me a mask to show off to the people so that everyone falls for a disguised woman. No, he gave me a beauty from the inside that shines for all the world to see.

This illness does not define me. My faith defines the woman I am and people who think THEY have a better way to run this factory we live in won’t mislead me. Mankind is overrun with little satans all thinking they have the right cure for this and that when all along the simplistic approach that God handed us STILL works to this day.

When I was first diagnosed, doctors tried to shatter me to the core, people lashed out telling me what I MUST do, or die! Everyone became the speaker on a podium with their wriggling pointing fingers. They tried to place me in the corner of the ring, where I was left to cower, curled up and in tears. I looked up. Right in front of me was a glorious Light shining. From four corners of the earth, it seemed the Light beckoned me to continue to follow Him. He offered the Way, the Truth and the Life. I rose, took His hand and followed.

John 14:6 “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.”

While fingers are still pointing, people are still on their podium, and there are those who would just rather burn me at the stake for not following along with THEM and THEIR conformity. I will stand tall and I will stand firm as persecution surrounds me. I WILL walk into the Light with no fear in where it is I am being led. I am moving right along in attaining that perfect world that God created for ALL of us to share.

All praise and Glory to God!

John 14:2  In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Working Through Stress

Lam 3:23 “They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.”

Working Through Stress

Wow, what a difference a week makes. I’ve been on a stress relieving kick for some time now and some things I didn’t even know were stress came to a head. Like a pus filled pimple, I felt it surfacing and last week it burst, stress sprayed all over the place and now this week I’m cleaning up the mess it left behind so I can move forward.

For starters, my son- Since last December when the business my son was working at closed down, my son began the hunt for a job. K-Mart was to be his first job and the only place that would give him a chance seeing that he had zero experience. He is a twenty-one-year-old young man with a complete mind of his own and with that mind he has the gamut of emotions that he’s carried through life from anxiety, depression, insomnia the whole kit and kaboodle. After numerous (I’d say hundreds) applications and no calls he broke down and applied at the place his step dad works. Not his first choice but he succumbed to defeat.
Last week, HyVee called him, he went in for an interview and got the job. They offered him part-time fifteen to twenty hours a week. He worked five hours last Wednesday and was scheduled for fifteen more hours starting this Wednesday-tomorrow! Don’t worry it wasn’t in the same department as my hubby and his hours would be nighttime, hubby’s hours are early morning. He’d take the job because he was desperate. 
The next day another job called him and he declined because he had this job. But then it happened, the job he really wanted called him, he jumped at the chance for an interview. They liked him, hired him; Saturday and Monday he was with them doing the technicalities of the hiring process. This job has forty hours a week and more money than the food store, and a medical package too in sixty days. Excitement overflowed but then there was the anxiety of having to quit the other job. This is his journey and I’ll go no further.
Needless to say, when a mother sees her child struggling, the stress is real. Unneeded stress during this time for me but it is very real. Like God does for us kids, He offers himself to us but He doesn’t come into our lives and do all the work for us. I had to watch my son wiggle and squirm as I stood by as the support he’d need but this was something that he and he alone would have to do as the new adult he's become. He’s moving forward in life and that in itself is a bundle of stress for the both of us.

Cannabis oil – Yes, I’m seeking avenues for this curative medicine. My niece has put me in contact with people who are covered by lawyers but money will be my hindrance. It’s okay though because I’m allowing the Lord, myself and my supplements to do their work before I reach out and make the CBD oil happen for me. I’m not at a desperate place yet and have no plans to be but it is good to know that the opportunity is out there waiting for me to tap into.

My GP doctor – Stress is surrounding me in wanting to make an appointment and not wanting to make an appointment. She is leaving in July and I was waiting for my hubby’s eye doctor appointment to be over before I made my GP appointment. I can’t have him missing work in an already short part-time schedule. He’s willing to miss work for me but I need him to get taken care of too. 

Hubby’s Eye Doctor – This was a check-up that he didn’t have last year because of circumstances ie: weather, a change in the doctor’s schedule (he went from coming to our area from Omaha on Thursday’s to coming on Monday’s). Finally, this appointment happened. He went on and on telling us how this success story was pure luck, one in a hundred he said where someone goes from being completely blind to seeing again. Hubby said, “If luck is what you want to call it.” I could see his mind in there thanking the Lord for this MIRACLE, not a stroke of luck.
Anyway, the doctor went on to say that he wouldn’t be coming to our area anymore and that he would be turning hubby over to a new doctor. A sad moment and tears welled in my eyes before the doctor stepped out saying his good-byes. Doctor’s  seem to emotionally disconnect from the patients but it wasn’t so easy for me, or my hubby. Hubby didn’t bawl his eyes out like me, my eyes would not stop leaking. This entire year has been an emotional roller-coaster and this was the icing on the cake so to speak, my emotions of the culmination of stress were released through drippings of tears (not sobs). I let it go.
I thought it had been four years but I miscounted. Hubby had been under this doctor’s care for six years. From cornea transplant to eye removal, to infections to healing this was a powerful relationship coming to an end in a swift blow. I made a swift dart to the front door after hugging the assistant who has also been there for us over these years. * poof * 

The washer – For a couple of years now our washing machine (a GE I might add) has been going on the fritz and two weeks ago it had its last spin. We’ve repaired the wounded soldier over the years but this time we checked into it and the repair would be more costly than a new one. The poor old gal was 14 years old. We laid her to rest and used a ‘for emergency’s only credit card’ to purchase another GE washer. The cheapest one they had but brand spanking new to me. The nearest laundry mat is over twenty miles away so that was never really an option. Just the cost of gas and the cost of using the place weekly would cost more than a new machine. 
The stress never ends….

The dentist -  Hubby has been suffering for MONTHS needing to see a dentist but I had my needed medical attention so he put his on hold. I’m putting my GP visit on hold until he gets this problem looked at so that’s where we are. The stress is coming and going in ripples on the shoreline. I’m strong, I’m alive and I’m THRIVING. I can’t say the same for his aunt who is more than likely on her last week of life, succumbing to this disease. THAT will NOT be me!!!! 

While some may laugh and scoff at my choice in moving FORWARD not succumbing to the slice, dice and poison method. I choose to THRIVE, BE ALIVE, BLOSSOM, and SHINE! Healing is in the palm of my hand! I work through this stress that bombards me daily, with God by my side.  

All praise and Glory to my God!  

“Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.”
 ~ Charles Swindoll

“Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” 
~ Theodore Roosevelt

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Last Poem To My Dad

My Dad's favorite place
Fort McHenry

Psalm 46:2 ~ Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

I cannot stand...

I have our heartfelt memories
Stored inside my heart
I cannot stand and watch you
Being slowly torn apart.

There is a soft wind blowing
A fragrance in the air
Heaven calling out to you
I cannot stand to bear.

I cannot stand and watch
The lighthouse falling down
Brick by brick dismantled
Without its shining crown.

I cannot come and be there
To stand right by your side
I’m in the best place for you
And that is right inside!

I stand along the shoreline
And watch your light go dim.
I see the angel’s calling out
In a radiant glorious hymn.

I love you, Dad!


Saturday, June 17, 2017

Doubt

1 Tim. 2:8 “I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.”

Doubt

Sometimes I hear doubt and fear in the voices of people’s words. Words like “I hope you know what you’re doing.” or 
“I hope you can beat this.” or 
“I can’t wait to see you pull off this miracle.” 
Doubt is not part of my vocabulary and hasn’t been from day two of my diagnosis. Granted on day one it shattered me, crumbled me like a dry leaf but by day two I had my boxing gloves on and came out fighting!

People that have doubts in the ability to treat and heal something like cancer, Alzheimer’s, chronic illnesses such as psoriasis, eczema, or asthma the list is long, those people are programmed to believe what they were taught when they were young. They are not open to old herbal remedies or new technology, or new studies in cures and don’t do enough current research as to where a person is coming from when they do things holistically.

A doctor doesn’t always know what’s the right thing to heal you. They were trained or should I say programmed with one thing that they were taught. It’s like using a Windows7 in a Windows10 environment, things change! Things are different and if you are not willing to grow with the change, you will be left behind, scratching your head and allow doubt to control your world. In this place, you will allow chronic illness to fester until the root explodes in your face and you have to be taken to the hospital and be placed in the doctors' hands to find out what is wrong.

The doctor will then do a host of tests from MRI’s to bloodwork, he’ll get results and give you drugs. If you pry and ask what is the problem and the root cause of your condition, he will spew out everything in medical terms you barely understand. With that, you believe what he/she is selling, in other words, you have accepted what he’s downloaded into your system. 

When you download a virus into your computer, you do everything possible to remedy the situation to get your system back in tip-top shape. If we took care of our bodies the way we do our computers, with delicate hands on weeding out the root of the problem, we could eliminate, CURE the disease taking over our human bodies. 

I wonder if people think God botched the job of building our internal mechanisms from our DNA to our very complex immune system that keep us going throughout our lifetime. I don’t believe He did. I believe he placed in us the very intricate details we need to CURE our systems after WE have downloaded the virus/illness, disease into our system.

I straight out ask my oncologist (two of them) to work WITH me in helping to heal and CURE me without chemo and drugs. They said (lies) they never heard of such a thing. They live in a Windows7 world! I came away from each visit empowered to find the truth in treatment. I found hundreds if not thousands of people who have HEALED and been CURED of this dastardly disease but an all intelligent doctor, the very person we allow to lord over our illness has never heard of such a thing? From his programming, he certainly knows which pharmaceutical drug to prescribe, doesn’t he?

Over and over in the Holy Bible, I read repeatedly of the herbs and spices that were used thousands of years ago to HEAL and CURE what ailed the sick. Since doctors only offer the science of synthetic drugs, they are not equipped to understand the complexities of the Bible and look to see what God placed here for us to cure and heal ourselves. They don’t take the time to learn the science of the human body being designed to heal itself. There’s no money in that now is there?

In my unscientific approach (since I’m not a scientist) I’ve found that the root cause of ALL illnesses are stress. Your body handles the stress, turns it into a virus/illness. A toxin to me is considered to be the stress you put into your body, knowingly or unknowingly. Toxins can be found in the air you breathe and the food you eat. Your internal organs react to that stress and our very intricate immune systems respond, not unlike the computer you so dearly love. 

If your computer gets a virus, what do you do? Do you buy a new computer? Well, we can’t buy a new body if our body gets a virus. Do we take them to the Geek Squad and have them doctor the machine up? Someone, like myself, would love to have a Geek doctor come in and cure my body, but does he know my body? The Geek Squad doesn’t know your computer habits, what you search for, or what you’ve downloaded to cause the virus but he sure can dig into your system to find out, right?  

In all its uniqueness I will have to say no one knows my body, internally or externally. A doctor doesn’t either and while he thinks he knows because of the diagnostic tests he runs, he doesn’t know the individual body, mind, and soul. He knows the motherboard and that’s it! Doctors and Geeks alike will pacify the problem instead of digging in, finding the root cause, and healing the system from inside.

I am not techno-savvy so I could never heal my computer. I can get a CCleaner and clean it up. I can dig into my system and see what I’ve done wrong, what I clicked that I shouldn’t have, I can remedy the malfunctioning system so it runs smoothly. As with my body, I can dig into the root cause of this disease. I can clean up my system so it runs properly. I should have taken care of it in the first place and never succumbed to this disease, but it is what it is, it’s here and I and God, the Mighty Healer of all, the Doctor who created the system will heal what ails me from the inside.

When people place doubt in their vocabulary, they have loosened their actual faith. I will never lose my faith in God because He is the One who created this body and all its intricacies running throughout my system on a cellular lever, He is the One and Only who holds the healing. Maybe at one time doctors cared about healing the people who were sick, but this day and age, the almighty dollar speaks a more healing tune to them, that’s a fact!

The simple basics of healing:
Relieve stress by eliminating as many toxins (including people and drugs) as you possibly can 
Make the air you breathe work for you not against you
Allow the warmth of the sun to nurture you 
Choose the right non-toxic food (organic fruits and vegetables, clean grass fed meat) 
Drink purified clean water 
Get eight hours of sleep 
Unplug yourself from negativity that you tap into daily
Add JOY to your life, find purpose in your life, and overflow with LOVE.

Gen. 1:29 “And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.”

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Shopping For Food

Pss. 105:35 “And did eat up all the herbs in their land, and devoured the fruit of their ground.”

Shopping For Food

Shopping for food has become quite an adventure. In the beginning of my diagnosis with this dreaded disease, I would leave the food store in tears. Well, our food store is really a Super WalMart so there is more than food I’m contending with there.

I stopped food shopping completely a few years ago because of my arthritis in my back and the inability to walk very well. Since I’ve been diagnosed with my THIRD illness, my exercise and supplement intake have been upped, relieving a lot of my arthritis pain and slowly healing my psoriasis. Is what I’m doing healing all three illnesses? I have no idea and can only watch and listen to my instincts and what my body is telling me.

WalMart is filled with scooters, in-a-hurry people, a me-first society, and the unhealthy foods that line the grocery section of the store. Why would anybody struggling with an illness put themselves through the torturous experience of wading through a store like that? Me, I like to challenge myself so I can physically feel and see the healing that needs to take place. Sitting at home on the computer sure isn’t going to have me find a healing place in my life.

The first days of my diagnosis I kicked into a life-saving mode and altered my diet immediately. My niece had told me no sugar, carbs, dairy, grains, so those elements were eliminated immediately as I researched the why’s of the no sugar, no carb diet for the C. She could only tell me so much via messenger. While I went into life-saving mode she started the fund to help me with the supplementation I would need over, basically, the rest of my life.

These were the days filled with tears for obvious reasons and at my food shopping excursions. I couldn’t find anything healthy to eat so I just grabbed organic fruit and carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower. My friends kicked into save-Joni’s-life mode and were sending me money to help with supplements. (so grateful) 

Looking back, I started off with minimal supplementation of two or three and now I’m taking twenty supplements a day. For those concerned with the toxicity of my supplementation intake, nothing is more toxic than chemo and drugs, and the vitamins I’m taking are only toxic when combined WITH pharmaceutical drugs. I take nothing from pharma so I’m good! I have done my research on every single vitamin in my arsenal and ALL are used to combat the Big C along with the drastic change in diet. I am working on a post of all my supplements and I want to provide links to them so you can imagine what is taking so long in putting THAT post together.

This week when I went to Wal Mart, I not only had to contend with food purchases I had to buy me shorts and shortie pajama’s because NOTHING fits me anymore. I now fit into a small (Wally World caters to the 2x and 3x crowd) and that was hard digging through to find something that fit. Many of my summer clothes are from my days in Texas well over eight years ago. As for my jammies, many were brought from back home fourteen years ago and to my surprise (not really) after not being used for such a long time, I found them quite brittle (dry rotted) to the touch.

I was at a comfortable 147 lbs. (size 7-8) on Jan. 25 and am now weighing in at 115 lbs. (size 4)! Who knew exercise and eating right could shed pounds like flaky dry skin? Oh and I’m shedding THAT too! 

I now look forward to food shopping as I scan for the frozen berries to make a morning smoothie, or dig through the tiny organic produce section, I use coconut milk for my smoothies and coconut oil for cooking my food. I now allow grass fed chicken and eggs, (hubby’s work has a grass fed oregano chicken sausage), salmon topped with onions, peppers and sauerkraut, fruits and veggies galore and I also allow a low carb gluten free flatbread to make me chicken wraps! I’m feeling the best I have in years!

I’ve recently learned of the healing qualities for my psoriasis in Tea Tree Oil. I’ve had to purchase (costly to me) new shampoo and conditioner and just after the second day of use I could see and FEEL the difference in my scalp. It isn’t only the Big C I’m fighting using supplements and diet, I also need to tend to my psoriasis and arthritis so that meant a change in EVERYTHING. I now use Aloe Vera body wash, I’ve changed my deodorant to a chemical-free variety, and my drinking water is now the purified variety. The water is only .39 cents a gallon so that isn’t too costly. V-8 Berry Bliss for a sweet morning drink and green tea as a nightly regimen.

I’m slowly eliminating all stress in my world. One step was I eliminated over a hundred emails I’ve already read through as they started to cause a wave of confusion in this battle as I’m learning something new every day. The do this, do that, try this, try that days are calming down and now I’m just coasting with what knowledge is in front of me.

My husband wanted to buy me a cute shirt with the American flag on it and I said, “No, I’m not really proud of my country right now at this time.” Apparently, Flag Day went unnoticed by the majority of my Facebook friends who normally flood the walls with pride in their country. With so many holidays, you never know WHAT to celebrate these days.

As of right now, I celebrate LIFE and the love of God. I cling to hope of a future. I don’t see myself as sick, I always see myself as HEALTHY and AWARE and maybe with that mindset, that is my saving grace. I WILL obtain the Sacred Plant when God is good and ready for me to have it, right now, God and I are happy with my health and supplements and moving forward to healing pastures. 

Matt. 13:32 “Which indeed is the least of all seeds: but when it is grown, it is the greatest among herbs, and becometh a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in the branches thereof.”

I am grateful for friendships old and new. I am gratified for the chance to work with God in healing myself. I am honored to be a part of a Spiritual community of love surrounding me and I will never forget the endearing love they exhibit toward me as I go on. 

Thank you all and God Bless!

Isa. 18:4 “For so the LORD said unto me, I will take my rest, and I will consider in my dwelling place like a clear heat upon herbs, and like a cloud of dew in the heat of harvest.”



Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Not Of This World

Psalm 19:1-2 KJV “The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork. Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge.”

Not of this world

I sometimes feel like I am not of this world. I look around and see foreign matter that I don’t understand and beg God for the clarity I need to see the layers within that keep me alive. The past four months have changed me even more so that I feel I am no longer a part of this world. I walk in the fog and see the Light in the distance. 

An intricate tapestry is beautiful on one side but on the back, it’s not so pretty; you see the remnants of threads, some strings and knots but you never see the full picture that’s on the front. God created everything that way. You need to look deep within a person to see the true beauty of Him. People may look not so perfect to your eyes on the outside but when you get to know the person personally, they are quite different. I may look beautiful to you on the outside but on the inside, my very cells are at war. There are death and destruction battling inside me that even me, the host of these cells, has no control over.


James 1:12 KJV  “Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.”

I think it is in our nature to size situations up. It’s okay though as long as you don’t judge. In my sin, I most admittedly judge all situations I’m confronted with. I fall to my knees daily in repentance but I feel the Lord understands my weaknesses and fault and thus the reason he sent his son to carry the weight of mankind’s and my own sin. 

In all honesty, in my illness, I feel like I really size people up more than I ever did before. I look at the healthy and envy. I see them happy with life, I crave. I watch as smiles light their faces, I yearn. I fall to sleep at night and plead... for mercy.

I want to ask the whys. Why me, why now. But I know full well the answer. This is a part of my journey that God himself has chosen for me and in it, I will endure, persevere, and rise above knowing that we crossed this path together and me, I am promised a crown of glory if I hold steadfast.


Isaiah 30:15, “This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: ‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.’” (NIV)

From Bible Gateway – Lynn Cowell -“These difficult times in our lives can be the exact opportunities we need to learn not to quit. Here, we learn to be brave and to do the hard things again and again and again. In the tough places, we can learn that our God is faithful to help us; He will never leave or forsake us. That is when the bad thing becomes a good thing.” 

While I have decided to brave this storm in my life with the aided assistance of my friends and God alone (no doctors and tests), this road is one I’ve never wished to be on or would like to see anyone have to endure in their lifetime. Writing has been my saving grace for YEARS and at times, I don’t even feel like writing and expressing myself. 

While I can’t get my hands on the Sacred Plant (cannabis), I’ve watched testimonial after testimonial of people using the HERB to CURE this disease. I’ve watched as older men and women cross state lines to secure their aid with the healing regimen, only to feel wrong because they have to do something illegal that they would NEVER normally do. Their life depends on becoming basically a criminal to SAVE their own or their children’s lives.

Doctors are only concerned with drugs, the government is wrapped up in duct tape, while humans become victims of a society gone wrong. I watch as a regime dismantles websites and organizations set up to help patients, be taken down or ‘fidgeted’ with. I watch as millions possibly billions of dollars are spent on drugs and jails, bill after bill passed for texting and driving or drinking and driving, while MEDICINAL cannabis is taking the back seat on the trolley car.

While I’m up to twenty supplements a day, they could all stop with one little CBD THC pill, not the hemp oil pill which is legal in all fifty states. But it’s okay, while my friends send me to site after site, I am no longer interested in the cannabis lifeline. I cannot afford $130 for 30 hemp oil pills, I won’t go the illegal route, and I won’t crumble! While there is Hope and promise in the Sacred Plant, I’m holding onto hope in the Sacred One and Only. 

As God helps me to not feel so alien in this world I do say with a smile, “It’s about time.” Fifty years for God to show me I AM of this world. God is lighting my path in rays of sunbeams streaming through the fog. E.T. wants to go home but God replies, “It’s not your time!” I get it, I get it. A little more endurance and persistence, then will I go home? A mighty resounding YES!


Joshua 1:9 “Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”




Sunshine Award

Sunshine award