A Dove Tale

In Texas, my dove visits

Josh. 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

A Dove Tale

I know my friends think I’m crazy, that’s a given. I’m always ranting and babbling about holistic and alternative treatment as if it is the Holy Bible of the medical world. I sure hope I never gave that impression. The first impression I like to leave you with is for you to go to God in prayer and see what He has to say about your situation. He DOES listen! He WILL answer!

Now the second thing I’d like to leave you with is timing and patience. We all go to prayer with wants and needs, OUR wants and needs. While God is all about our wants and needs too, with Him, it is all about in HIS time and not ours. Meaning sometimes we’re not going to like the answer we receive, or when we receive the answer.

When I was first diagnosed I went to Him first and listened to Him. Now you’re probably saying, “And He told you what you wanted to hear, right?” Well shockingly enough, yes and no. I had no intention of doing port chemo and when God gave me an option, alternative treatment, I listened but went for a second opinion from a doctor. It was obvious no doctor was going to hear me like God, or pay my thoughts and opinion one piece of mind. Nope, they were all about drugs and money, point blank! 

So, on I went for a year and a half listening, praying, loving, learning and healing. During this time I really tuned to the animal and plant kingdom. Whether it was my dog (who was still alive at the time), the stray dog who is still here four years after wandering onto my property, or the birds and squirrels. They are all a part of God’s kingdom and the kingdom I live in most of the time. Man has let me down on major levels throughout my life, so I have to have someone, some THING to turn to, I trust the animals. The squirrels, the Cardinals, the Doves, the Owls, the deer, the wandering wild turkey, and the Falcons; the signs, the wonders. There are more things I look for, if you can imagine, from God himself. I listen, good or bad, I have to listen, this is who I am, this is who God shaped me to be. He didn’t fashion me out of false clothing that I put on every day to prance around and show you, no I received the straight up Value Village clothing to walk around in and proudly display because this is who God created in ME!

I was recently hit with oncologist lies. I don’t know what to do with that. This is my third oncologist (I don’t have a variety out here in the middle of nowhere) so I go where God leads me. This doctor is doing an okay job, but he likes the fear tactics and scaring me and in my weakened state, I fall prey to what he offers. I’m alone and abandoned out here, I only have my husband, son, and my God. Yeah, that’s a lot to me! Besides my Spiritual Family, everyone else is just voyeurs along for the ride. 

1 Peter 5:8 “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

The Big C is nothing to mess with. I know in the deepest depths of my soul that this can be beaten on an alternative level but funds are needed for that route, funds I will never hold in my hand for say Vit. C therapy, Cannabis, UV therapy, a chiropractor even and so many more treatments but out of my reach. So I have to go with what I’m offered, cannot afford, but is covered.

The doctor wrongly assumed that by scaring me back into his office a week after my visit that he’d devour me with fear and I’d jump into Chemotherapy, the port chemo that he’s been pushing all along.  He hurried me in to tell me my markers had gone up, and unknown to me, had been going up all along, he LIED! He lied when he told me they were going down, they went down once, in Oct., then went up in Dec. Jan. Feb.! And here I was two visits in February. Of course I’m going to be scared. I trusted him! 

He didn’t know that his Navigator nurse had already canceled my oral chemo from being delivered. She had called the day of my blood test and told me to stop taking the toxic drugs and that is what I did, the doc was not prepared for me to say NO to port chemo. He wasn’t prepared for me to ask what the rush was and why couldn’t it have waited until my next scheduled visit. He mumbled and babbled but I was not ready to completely give up, just meet him on MY terms, not his. I agreed to the intravenous chemo drug Herceptin. Toxic and debilitating and I knew I’d need prayer and guidance on this one. Lord, don’t fail me now. This to me is not a courageous route. They won.

I agreed only if, by my next scheduled visit, my markers were still rising. I told him I’d wait around for the results and not wait to get home to be scared. I’m also going to ask for a printout of the graph that visually shows me my red, white and C cell counts. He didn’t know the nurse had one printed for me obviously because again he lied and said my red and white cell counts were rising also. I hold the graph in my hand and it shows no such thing. My red and white cells were still dropping. So we’ll wait and see. Do I go on or do I TRY and find another doctor. I can’t keep toying with my health! I run out of choices.

Prayer upon prayer, tear upon endless tear, decisions to be made, give up, give in or trudge on. My doctor also assumed I meant that I’d sign on for this drug and it would be in my arm like the next day. I said, no, I want another blood test before my hookup and he said he needed to schedule a test to check and see if my heart can handle this toxic drug they’re going to pump into my veins. I told him I work on my husbands' work schedule, not anyone else’s. We NEED food to eat and he NEEDS to work, I have to finish up my Physical Therapy and I’d see the good old liar in three weeks.

In these weeks I’ve prayed. I had to weigh the pros and cons. I shared with my husband and son and listened to their opinion, I prayed, because I already knew what ‘I’ wanted but I’d listen for God…..

I woke on a cold brisk morning, my feeder aflutter with my usual winter birds. For a week or two, a female cardinal had been hanging out with the sparrows and I asked her, “Where is Red? You get him back here!” Red is the male cardinal who only makes special appearances since he was chased away by the Blue Jay family. I needed to see him, I needed my ‘other’ family and that is the ones of the animal kingdom. 

On this morning he was hard to miss, his rich red color against the white snow as he scurried around for some stray seed. It’s funny when they seem to stop and look right at you, and slant their little heads, then go on about their business, but sure enough, Red made his appearance this day, no sign of Bell his lady friend.

In the following days as I waited to discern answers to my prayers, I enjoyed the bunnies at the feeder in the morning before the sunrise. Four bunnies, all of which I thought had moved on because I hadn’t seen them all winter. Tracks in the snow told me they were around but I never saw them until this morning when I turned on the outside light to see if it had snowed. To my surprise, there was snow AND bunnies! As the sun came slowly cresting over the horizon on this rare event of a day, (we never see the sun these frigid, gloomy days of winter) my birds along with the squirrels all started making their appearance.

This day was different, I could feel it but couldn’t put my finger on it. Then it happened, a dove came fluttering down with his mate, then another and another. They always come in pairs but recently the six-pack was only five. I don’t know what happened to the sixth dove. These were just your every day Morning Doves. Then the fifth dove appeared and I said good morning to them all. I know my husband thinks I’m crazy but hey, it’s all I have these days! Wait, what is that, a sixth dove, a WHITE dove! WHITE! Tears were brimming my eyes and I couldn’t say nothing for fear of scaring him away but I whispered, “A white dove! Honey, a white dove!” I was full fledge crying now, in all my years here I’ve NEVER seen a white dove! 

My husband jumped out of his chair and slowly went to the kitchen window after peeking out my window and seeing what I saw, a white dove! Through tears I asked him, “Please tell me you see him. Please tell me I’m not crazy.” 

“He’s there! I see him too!” 

A sigh of relief. I’m not letting God or my family down if I go this toxic route. Let me tell you in all honesty, I wanted God to tell me no, don’t do it! That would’ve been MY answer, but I have to listen. I could spin it and say God doesn’t want me to go this chemo route and twist His answer to meet my needs but that would be dishonest, that would make me as small and little as my doctor.

I was told to give it a try, if it has bad side effects that my body can’t handle, then stop, no matter what doctor liar says. This is my body, my temple for the Lord and I will only do what He leads me to do. If at the last minute my markers miraculously go down instead of up, I pull out of this chemo crud. I just feel there are too many obstacles that can’t be beaten with diet and supplementation alone.

Back to Square One… the will to survive.

P.S. In the following days, no Red,

only one dove, and the normal

sparrows and squirrels attend

the feeder. Just so you know.

This little fella visited me last year

A Milestone...Changes ARE Happening

Isa. 60:19 "The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the LORD shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory."

A Milestone

I wanted to share a bit of a milestone that really came out of nowhere. You remember that for years I thought I had MS and that my unbalance may have been a symptom? I have posted numerous times telling of my pains in my back, knees and everywhere else. 

I know I have one friend that remembers the intimate details I displayed for you all here on my blog. If you’re a follower, you know my story. If you’re not a follower, there are previous posts links over there to play catch up.

Being unbalanced left me either sitting or standing and holding onto the wall but never could I stand and put my pants on in about four years now; it was just too uncertain.

Yesterday it happened, I had to go into my bedroom and get pants. Without even thinking, I stood in the middle of the room and put my pants on, one leg at a time. No wobble, no uncertainty, no holding onto anything, nothing. After pulling them up and buttoning them, I stood there and thought, ‘did I just do that’? A tear came to my eye because it had been four years since feeling like a somewhat normal human being.

My body is changing for the good. Apparently, a healthy lifestyle is what I needed to regain my balance. Not only has the loss of thirty pounds made a significant difference in my wardrobe (115 lbs and holding), the adding of pertinent supplements and healthy eating all around has made a difference in my showering, the way I dress, the way I walk and just about everything in my life. 

This week though, I’ve been on the defense in so many ways. I’m thinking October 29th, the second anniversary of my dad’s passing is taking a toll on me that I never seen coming. I am at peace with his passing but I do have to contend with my mother, very much alive who misses him terribly on a daily basis. She says she can’t figure out why she was kept here alive and I told her point blank, maybe it’s for ME! I think God is going to keep me alive for HER as well.

My mother has no idea I have this ugly disease, she would become paranoid (as usual) and worry too much and try to instill fear in me so I think her NOT knowing is for her benefit as well as mine. I think God has kept her alive for me since she is really the only family that I’m in touch with on a daily basis, my grounding so-to-speak. I’ve always been very close to my mother and not physically seeing her for over ten years has its own stress factor but to hear her voice daily helps relieve the stress immensely.

Another milestone is the tumor itself. I’ve been feeling some sharp pains here lately and instead of fear and panic I kicked into research mode and conferred with ladies experiencing the exact same thing as I, as we are all on an alternative path together. I’m going to get a little (a lot) personal and graphic here, if you’re a man, turn away now. 

The tumor is in the rapid cell die-off phase. Without a doctor, you might be wondering how I know this. Well, let me tell you. The tumor is big. I’ve already done immeasurable research on this and have found that the tumor is not cancer. The tumor is a result of the cancer, a reaction if you will, it is NOT the cancer itself. Back in January when the disease was discovered, I went to the doctor with a C+ cup size of my left breast. I, my life since teenage years, have been a very comfortable B size. 

With my diet change and weight loss, I’m bound to lose breast size so that isn’t the telltale sign I’m looking for in healing, no, the pains are. Over I’d say this past month (since a miraculous herb literally walked in my front door) or two I’ve had a reduction of breast size on the LEFT side. No longer a C+ or even a C, I’m fitting comfortably back into my B cup! You might see that as no big deal, but visually it IS a big deal because I SEE the healing taking place! The tumor is still there but if the pains are a telltale sign of rapid cell die off, I’m winning this battle, a little pain at a time!

I have to share this graphic tale with you as I move toward the continued healing part of my journey. I’m still edgy and defensive but hey, maybe a lack of sugar and carbs is having that effect nine months later. I still have my sense of humor, I took a six-week writing course, and while a little stressful for me, I took it as a challenge to stretch my writing muscles even further. I’m still maintaining strict eating habits that I’m coming to enjoy, I’m still walking and exercising, still loving life and still have problems with my defensiveness. I can work on that though. I’ve done so much work this year that finally I’m seeing the results of my labor. A little defensiveness is nothing to tackle.

All my praise and glory goes to my God on most high! I could not and would not be where I am today without Him holding the reins! My supportive friends are very much an aspect of this healing too! Thank you, and God bless! 

Joni, The Rocky Champ

James 5:16 KJV “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

Joni, The Rocky Champ!

I must admit, I feel a little guilty feeling so good. I saw my sister-in-law, yesterday on the 6th at my niece’s graduation and she said after looking me over with a broad smile on her face, “You look great!”

I responded with, “I feel great! You wouldn’t know I have this dreaded disease would you?” 

The place we were at was a pretty big place with thousands of stadium style seating. It had an elevator to accommodate people or an open-aired staircase which allowed people to ascend via the stairs. 

Fear gripped me when I saw all of those steps, but seeing the family and their faces, telling me they’ve been praying for me made me feel ‘flighty’. I felt as if I could accomplish anything. So when my husband asked if I wanted to take the elevator, I boldly stated, “NO, I’ll take the stairs.” 

My other niece, daughter of my s-i-l, my mother in law, an uncle and I and hubby all began the ascent. Step, step, step, step I went, keeping pace with the floods of people in front and behind me as well as my niece and s-i-l. My sister in law gazed over at me at me keeping up with her and said, “Go Joni!” A platform then twenty more steps I went! I heard my husband behind me saying, “Show off.” Jokingly of course because all were quite amazed that this little woman who used to walk every step on a flat surface in pain, cringed with every hug because of my back pain, dreaded going to the store because of my pain, was now the Rocky Balboa of Nebraska ascending the stairs like a champ! 

Yes, I did a little fist raise at the top of the stairs, through panting breath I exclaimed, “I DID IT!!!” I was more raising my hands thanking the Lord for the strength than I was thinking of Rocky. But yes forty-some stairs and I made it. (Keep in mind the steps it took to get through the parking lot, to the front door, to see the stairs.)

While I felt I had the strength of a thousand men behind me, I looked at the stadium style seating with exasperation and fumed, I cannot go DOWN all those steps. Uncle said, “Why because you just made it up all of those steps?” A little out of breath I stated, “That, and my fear of heights!” After a little chuckle we found seating at the top and found they were pretty comfortable heavily plastic seats, not the bleacher style seats that we faced at a previous graduation two years ago, where I had been in so much pain, I had to leave the event and wait in the car.

Not this time, this time I was a champ! And to think I was hesitant in even wanting to attend the event. But my niece was graduating. This little lady has spent eight years trying to get this diploma to be a nurse. The course was full if I remember correctly when she first signed up and she was put on a waiting list where she tried to wait patiently. In the meantime she took on three jobs to fund her schooling, working at nursing homes and other duties of the field to prepare her for this day. She found the most money-making job in delivering pizza’s believe it or not.

I was hesitant in attending mostly because I would have to face many family members that I haven’t seen since my diagnosis. I prayed of course for guidance and God always tells me, “We got this!” So again, I took His word and barreled on. I didn’t attend the after party where too much food would be that I couldn’t eat. But we came, I conquered, and I felt GREAT! I made sure each and every one of them knew it too!

The other reason I was hesitant was my bladder. A forty-five-minute drive? Could I make it after having two cups of coffee and some water? Guess what people, I made it!!! We sat through an hour of the diplomas being handed out before I made my way to the restroom to relieve my bladder before venturing on another forty-minute drive home!

I’ll have to admit, I’m pretty amazed myself! When God said He was healing all of me, He meant it! He’s not laying down on the job expecting me to do all of the work, nope we’re a team! I’ll climb those stairs as long as He fills me with strength! I’ll bask in the sun as long as my friends and family are behind me cheering me on, I’ll continue on this promising road as long as God allows His Light to shine through me! Yesterday I was living proof for all of those who needed to see, SEE!

All Glory and Praise to Him on High!

Praise be to God!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 KJV “Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

AMEN!

Signs and Wonder

Pss. 71:7  “I am as a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge.”

SIGNS AND WONDER

I’m seeing the signs of healing and I wonder, is all of the hard work worth the time and effort to get to a healing point? I have to say yes because I know God has a purpose for everything. God uses pain and suffering to show you the miraculous. You might not see it as miraculous but trust me, to the individual the suffering is happening to, it is nothing short of a miracle.

It has been three months since the devastating blow to my ego, to my everyday life, to my harmonious routine, the blow to the core of my being. Why hadn’t I seen the signs leading up to this prognosis? Why did I ignore my instinct when any other time I listen wholeheartedly? I’ll tell you why I didn’t want it to be true. 

Back when I did a post Putting the Puzzle Together it made me think of those little pictures I used to do to connect the dots and in connecting the dots it formed a picture? Remember those? I used to have big thick coloring books filled with them. I loved putting puzzles together too and there is nothing worse than getting to the end of the puzzle and finding you’re missing a couple of pieces, or in connecting the dots you missed a number and the picture isn’t fully complete. 

I traced the puzzle pieces all the way back to childhood trauma of injury and the rancid acts of sexual abuse and have been mentally working on those elements to heal portions of me that need mending but I see I’ve missed a couple of pieces that were instrumental in completing the puzzle namely psoriasis. Why had I skipped it and left that major piece of the puzzle out? Shame? Embarrassment? 

In the past three months of researching the causes of this illness, I found a missing puzzle link in the fungal skin disorder psoriasis and another one in underwire bras. I know right, who would’ve thought? I’ve worn underwire bras my whole life and thought nothing of the warnings that they could cause breast cancer. I just thought they were trying to scare people but now I think differently. 

I have bought hundreds of bras in my lifetime and some have padding in them BUT there is a slot where you can slip out the padding? You ladies know what I’m talking about? Well, there are no slots to slide out the underwire. I hope by this posting and putting the thought out there, it will soon come to fruition and makers of bras will make slots to REMOVE the underwire, to protect women instead of worrying about making money off of them. 

As much as the Big C is a billion dollar industry, so are women’s breasts! We have organizations that fight for animal rights, for abortion laws, we have people fighting for the food industry but why are women not fighting for their dignity back? They continue to allow men to demean them in ways of Fredrick’s of Hollywood, where they are allowed television time to be displayed and flaunted all the way down to fast food restaurants like Hooters and Twin Peaks. It’s demeaning and degrading and women worldwide are allowing this to happen.

While I’ve made marked changes in my undergarment wearing, I’m seeing the signs of healing and no longer wonder. Rarely in my lifetime has my psoriasis cleared up, but now it has been clearing. I had irregular periods last year (due to being perimenopausal) but recently it has returned, when it would stop for months at a time. There are signs I need to look for since I have no doctor willing to do any tests to see my progress, I need to be vigilant and actually look and SEE the signs of changes. Hopefully, I’ll listen to my instincts this time if it tells me this alternative method is not working. Right now, it IS working and my healing is moving forward.

I’m aching in places that fill me with wonder. Every bump I feel, I wonder. Every bite of food that goes in my mouth, I wonder. Every day that passes I wonder. The difference is this, I don’t wonder out of fear, I wonder out of expectancy… the expectancy of HEALING taking place!  

Pss. 139:6  “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.”