Spiritually Stunted

“Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:3-4 (NKJV)

Spiritually Stunted

Have you ever felt like life is at a standstill? You’ve worshipped, you’ve praised, you’ve given everything to God and now you just sit and wait to see what happens? Oh, sure you continue to read the Bible daily but again, you’re just going through the motions of everyday living. You feel spiritually stunted just waiting for a new season to blossom into sight.

At mid-life, God granted me a season of change that certainly wasn’t expected. I got a dreaded life-altering disease. He let me know point blank that I could wallow in self-pity, roll over and die, or I could face this season of life with CHANGE in my heart and soul. I had been meandering down the road of life, but this was like plowing a car into a wall at fifty miles per hour.

Everything halted. I had to stop and reassess life and prioritize what had the most meaning. God had the most meaning in my life so I needed to strengthen my faith in Him; trust Him like never before. My husband and son were a priority, not so much so taking care of them and meeting their needs, just being a friend and companion to each one on different levels. Then there was family, not really a priority but love still flowed from me to them, and that had meaning to me. What was top priority was living! 

The winter of 2017-18 came with a vengeance, blizzard and all, still clinging well into April! As the mid-life crisis has not gone away, I’m still growing and learning, waiting to blossom.  The arctic-like winter put another roadblock in my way as I became idle and unwilling to walk on ice and brace the cold horrendous winds. My stationery bike became the only source of exercise and even that was not welcomed. I felt bitter and angry at this cessation of my spirit.

Sure I woke daily and read my bible, I still wrote, and preached about loving the Lord, then Lent had me in a fasting state of reassessing my priorities, while winter held onto what the calendar says is spring. Next week will be May 1st and the trees still look as barren as they did in December. They too are waiting for the arrival of spring. They want to wake up and greet the world but it gets kind of hard to do when you’re left sitting idle for months, dormant and chilled. Onward I go, realizing I myself, have become the stunted Christian I’m always writing about.

“Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence.” 

~ Hal Borland

The one thing I don’t have a problem knowing is that the enemy is underfoot. His goal is to steal, kill, and destroy. Steal any form of hope and happiness, kill any joy, and destroy all strength that resides in you in bringing forth nothing more than defeat to his hellish stance.

We do have a choice who we listen to and I can honestly say I don’t think God has been speaking loud enough for me and the only voice left to hear is not the one of my choosing, thus leaving me spiritually depleted. How do I know this? Because I’m feeling depressed knowing full well that the warmth of spring is going to come but the lack of sunshine makes me feel down. I hear doubts and fears whispering in my ears, trying to take a stab at me and I know full well, God is not of doubt, fear, and anxiety. 

I can usually curtail the doubts quite easily with a good vigorous walk but as I said, winter has disabled me and it is lingering for far too long. I’ve had to start on different supplements because I’m thinking maybe my system is becoming immune to some of the supplements that I’m taking. Now I’m taking a lot of letters of the alphabet A, B, C, D3, E, and K! Some of my old ones remain because well, they have to. 

I have also turned to God as He has given me His Word and Spirit to tap into to strengthen me. I do feel His protection during these times as if I’m wearing the armor suit He bestowed upon me, but maybe the helmet fell off, y’know? I think maybe it became too comfortable.

I call to mind this scripture that enforces my wisdom:

Ephesians 6:10-18 “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;
And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;
Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

I’m wondering if that is what has happened to the world these days; they’ve just become too comfortable in the mundane routines. Do people just start taking God for granted until they’re shaken to their knees? Then they either turn to Him or turn against Him as if to blame Him for all the wrongs in life. 

I do have to make my husband and son understand that it isn’t God to blame for my condition, I am to blame. I didn’t take care of myself. In their selfishness, they’ll feel it was God’s fault and become further stunted and that will be a sad day. I pray for them daily but must work toward healing and seeing myself alive in ten-fifteen years. I'm still young so I'd love to see twenty more years, God willing.

I will live with Christ in me, I will put on the full armor of God, I will lead the remaining stunted people to the light so that darkness doesn’t become who they are as a people, as a nation. I may only reach a few but it is a few more than none at all, right? 

Remember, don’t blame God, blame yourself when things take a turn for the worse. When things go bad, you and I, are the only ones to blame for the stunted Spirituality.

Galatians 6:8 (NIV) “The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” 

May you accept God’s blessing as the fruit of life and be blessed in all you do!

Col. 1:27-28 (KJV) “To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory: Whom we preach, warning every man, and teaching every man in all wisdom; that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus:”

Poetry Sunday ~ Dust to Dust

Luke 11:36 “If thy whole body therefore be full of light, having no part dark, the whole shall be full of light, as when the bright shining of a candle doth give thee light."

Dust to Dust

People are who they are, 

and kill what they must,

they’ll continue where they will 

and dust what they dust.

I am who I am

I shan't live to die

They tell me I can’t

I don’t accept their lie.

Society lay claim

All glitter is gold

The shine is now frittered

The soul has been sold

Tune into the Father 

For all pain to be lost

An umbrella in the rain

The Word now embossed.

Cleansed be the body

From sin do we cry

A Light stuffed bin

Our peace when we die.

From now on 

I’ll kill what I must

As my Savior reigns still

My ashes become dust.

Quotation Saturday ~ Strength - Courage

Rescued tiger, from neglect and abuse

Deut. 31:6 “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

STRENGTH

“If you were born with the weakness to fall you were born with the strength to rise” 
― Rupi Kaur

“Challenge and adversity are meant to help you know who you are. Storms hit your weakness, but unlock your true strength.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

“I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death” 
― Leonardo da Vinci

“My child, the troubles and temptations of your life are beginning, and may be many; but you can overcome and outlive them all if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one. The more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom. His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength. Believe this heartily, and go to God with all your little cares, and hopes, and sins, and sorrows, as freely and confidingly as you come to your mother.” 
― Louisa May Alcott

PERSISTENCE

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can't practice any other virtue consistently.” 
― Maya Angelou

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan Press On! has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” 
― Calvin Coolidge

“Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence.” 
― Hal Borland

“The sky is not my limit...I am.” 
― T.F. Hodge

POWER

“Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Patience is power.
Patience is not an absence of action;
rather it is "timing"
it waits on the right time to act,
for the right principles
and in the right way.” 
― Fulton J. Sheen

“One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.” 
― Carl Sagan

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a
listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all
of which have the potential to turn a life around.” 
― Leo F. Buscaglia

CHALLENGE

“These are the times in which a genius would wish to live. It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties. Great necessities call out great virtues. When a mind is raised, and animated by scenes that engage the heart, then those qualities which would otherwise lay dormant, wake into life and form the character of the hero and the statesman.” 
― Abigail Adams

“Life is about accepting the challenges along the way, choosing to keep moving forward, and savoring the journey.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

“That is the challenge Companion. To take what has happened to you and learn from it. Nothing is quite so destructive as pity, especially self-pity. No event in life is so terrible that one cannot rise above it.” 
― Robin Hobb

“The strong-minded rise to the challenge of their goals and dreams. The weak-minded become haters.” 
― Steve Maraboli

COURAGE

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
― Lao Tzu

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.” 
― William Faulkner

“Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it.” 
― C. JoyBell C. 

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” 
― August Wilson

Citizen Of Heaven

Philippians 1:29 “For unto you it is given in the behalf of Christ, not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for his sake;”

Citizens of Heaven

This morning as I was reflecting on my bible emails, something in one email jumped out at me, citizens of heaven. Long story short, we are basically citizens of heaven being immigrated to earth. What we portray to the world should be our heavenly realm residing in us but so many times along the route are people born of the earth and of the earth, they will return.

I have a friend who recently moved from one side of the United States to the other side of the U.S. Along the journey of moving he snapped beauty-filled pictures along the way to show everyone his daily travels. Basically, that is what happens to us after we’re born, we have mentally taken pictures along the growth route and display them for the world to see.

I have some friends who were raised by the mother and father love, some where only the mother was around, and some who were abandoned at birth and left in an orphanage. Some had seemingly perfect lives while others struggled to live. I have a bountiful of friends who’ve had a religious upbringing while others were made to fend for themselves in finding anything to do with God. 

I, as usual, was of the weird background. I went to a Catholic school, had a mother and father present, but was basically on my own in declaring any semblance of a heavenly citizenship. I came from a somewhat big family of six but as we grew we dispersed never really knowing what it meant to be bound to each other. We’re a family in name only. Funny how emptiness works; you’re raised in a full family where nothingness dwells and emptiness is the return deposit you get.

I see other families having ties that bound them as parents and siblings and often wonder what on earth did I miss? How did my travels go so awry? Why are the images that I snapped of the negative format and why didn’t they turn me into a negative person?

While some people might look at me now and think I’m Miss Perfect, I am as far from perfect as you can get. I am bruised and battered, shattered and broken just trying to glue some of the pieces back together so I can be rid of a disease that tries to eat me alive. I am excess baggage on the carousel of life.

I am still on a writing hiatus but occasionally I get the urge, like today, to just write out my feelings that will get me to the next leg of this journey. My snapshots are few because you can only take so many images of wind, cold and rain before realizing the breath of life is dealing you a gray bleak reality. I think spring is on hiatus too as it dished out a blizzard on April 18th with horrendous winds. The lack of sun, the absence of new life, the longing for any kind of outdoor activity has put a damper on my new year. A month into spring and all I see and feel is winter. I will not see anything remotely related to spring until June. 

No matter how hard I try to put a positive spin on my heavenly world, darkness creeps in trying to strangle what light I have left in me. Like a child tiptoeing down the stairs at Christmas; I’m always surprised by what is or isn’t under the tree. Snapshots become bitter memories. My journey isn’t a pretty bouquet of joy and happiness.

1 Chron. 29:15 “For we are strangers before thee, and sojourners, as were all our fathers: our days on the earth are as a shadow, and there is none abiding.”

I feel as though I’m a citizen of heaven with a temporary passport, dropped off at the airport with a sign saying ‘family’ and seeking out a family, any family that will say look there she is, let’s bring her home! The airport empties and I’m left sitting, sometimes playing on the baggage carousel just to get someone to notice that I’m still here with the sign in my hand. 

Someone comes and picks me up saying, “I can use a new piece of luggage.” And I’m carried off to a new home a new life, but still holding the sign. I must’ve stayed on the carousel too long because now I’m dizzy from going around and around. A kaleidoscope of images fans out but to the eye, they are jumbled gray clouds.

I live in a state where the majority of youngsters here are desperate to get away and move across the country carrying their baggage. They were born of the heavenly realm, raised mostly in the Bible Belt atmosphere and will show the world, the future, what shaped them. Some residents wanted to flee but instead stayed having nothing to show for their lives except a passive repetitious growth of snapshots hanging on the wall. Me? I was dropped off at the airport with a sign.

Some residents ventured away only to return because the big bad world out there was not all they expected it to be. Bon Bon's and cream puffs are a thing of the past. It’s as if we were taken from paradise and dropped off at the airport. Some had names of families that picked them up right away, while others were given a generic sign with hopes that someone would see them.

The projection of the heavenly realm escapes me as the pastures are covered in a somber tone of grayish-sage. The emotional baggage is heavy, carrying it around drags me down, and no one wants to be burdened by an orphan at the airport. While I may be a Citizen of Heaven, I’m a product of the earth.

Isa. 51:6 “Lift up your eyes to the heavens, and look upon the earth beneath: for the heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old like a garment, and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner: but my salvation shall be for ever, and my righteousness shall not be abolished.”

Giving Thanks - Thank You, Lord

Pss. 7:17 “I will praise the LORD according to his righteousness: and will sing praise to the name of the LORD most high.”

Giving thanks!

Lord, I'm taking this time to give you thanks for all that you’ve done for me. Let the record show that this is just a small portion of all that I'm thankful for.

When I was diagnosed with this illness it would have been so easy just to blame you but instead, I embraced this journey as another blessing, and I thank you!

Thank you for the illness that through you has made me strong but allows me increments of weakness. Thank you for shining a Light in dark places.

I thank you for placing a man in my life who takes care of me and sees to it my wealth of needs are met, and I have many. I thank you.

I thank you for filling me with the strength to wake up and face each and every day.

I thank you for my most dismal days, seeing you stand with me and allowing me to vent. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for letting me know everything will be okay.

Thank you for nourishing food, and creating medicinal herbs. Even though our government doesn’t see them as medicinal, you show me daily who is in charge and the purpose and reason for herbs and CURES with those herbs. Thank you for discernment.

Thank you for the precious food on my plate and the ability to buy clean water in a toxic environment.

Thank you for being my living water in times of drought.

Thank you for a wonderful son and allowing me to be instrumental in shaping who he’s becoming. You in me has made him who he is, for that, I’m eternally thankful.

Thank you for the seasons and the elements. Rain, snow, wind, and sun, everything you offer is of beauty.

Thank you for pain and for sorrow for only through them can I see the promise of a better tomorrow.

Thank you for loving me enough to give me a second chance at making it right with my health. 

Thank you for using me as a vessel of your message.

Thank you for bringing friends into my life in the virtual world that love care and respect me. I hope they know I cherish each and every one who takes the time out of their lives to pray for me and sees that my aching needs are met. I pray for the ones that deserted me in my time of need.

Thank you for showing me that my family really doesn’t care for me. Except for two or three. (Sara, Steven, and Adam) I’m okay with that and am making peace with the reality. I release them, as I carry no guilt for who they are. They have abandoned me, not I them. I pray for them all. (The once in a blue moon asking me how I'm doing is not caring for me.) I pray.

Thank you for Sara, who I knew from birth, was going to be a friend to the end!

Thank you for placing on the heart of that special someone who once a month, takes the time to bless me. I pray they know they are a cherished being, not a passing thought in my world. Thank you.

Thank you for finding me worthy to be your work of art in progress. 

Thank you for Grace Vanderwaal. She touches my heart with her music and allows me to enjoy the rhythmic beat with no past to me, no memories tied to her songs, just emotions I need to work through. I can see clearly now.

Thank you for the years on this earth. While others are unknowingly trying to die, I wholeheartedly see a reason to live! I strive every day, pain or no pain, to get through each minute of the day. I thank you for being there every second of the way.

Thank you for the opportunity of eternal life through your Son. I do not fear the beauty I know one day will be my destiny. Allow people to see strength in my serenity and to seek You when they need comfort.

I wrestle every day with the darkness trying to pull me in a different direction. Whether it is toxic for me food, cigarettes, alcohol, aromas, paranoia or fear, it tries surrounding me only in an attempt to smother me. Thank you for letting me see that it is You Heavenly Father, who holds my heart and soul and allows me to see through the murky mire.

2 Sam. 3:1 “Now there was a long war between the house of Saul and the house of David: but David waxed stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul waxed weaker and weaker.”

Thank you for still being a part of my family who is very weak during these trials. Fill them with the strength of an army to get them through these trying times. They need You more than they will ever need me. I grow stronger and stronger every day as their weakness smothers their capabilities.

Thank you for allowing me to trust in your bigger plans and helping me to fight the feelings of meaninglessness.

I may never thank you enough, but Lord, I thank you from the depths of my soul that only you have seen and known. My life for you, oh Lord!

Pss. 18:1-2  “I will love thee, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.

God's Not Done...

Rom. 8:25 "But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

God’s Not Done

On Friday the 6th I began writing a blog post aimed at a Monday posting titled God’s Not Done… but if I had gotten it done, I would’ve posted it Saturday. Unfortunately it didn’t get done. Sunday I watched a sermon online, it was an Easter sermon. What jumped out at me were these words, “We can’t reach up to God He reaches down to us and assures us He is not done with us.”

Where had I heard those words, ‘He’s not done’? Oh that’s right, from my blog post I was writing on Friday! Coincidence? I think not! It was a direct message, a message on transformation! So here is what I had written on Friday.

God is not done…

God is not done with me yet! He’s busy transforming this broken, damaged, diseased woman into something beautiful; a cherished work of art that shines His Light in the dark places!

The statistics are in and the researchers have concluded that 90% of cancers are a result of diet, lifestyle, and environmental factors. And the single biggest factor is what you eat. Imagine that! We are what we eat! My lifestyle was eating junk and crud and look at me now in the battle of my life trying to reverse the damage.

It’s pretty sad that I’ve only begun embracing this new lifestyle after the diagnosis of an illness. I’m continuing to dig deep within my wounds, as deep as my arm will reach, to heal the core of the damage and make peace with my past. God and I are alone on this journey as there are parts so weathered and stained for the naked eye that I keep them there, never to write about. I guess you could say they are the demons in my closet.

Philippians 1:29 (NIV) “For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him.”

I’m not changing just a portion of my life, I’m changing everything one hundred percent! [finishing post] I’m surrendering my all to God because I know He is looking down on me, reaching out to me, shaping me and transforming me for a better life.

Life sometimes takes hold of us to where we’re blinded by all of the chaos in the world. From the crazy weather, to the sudden deaths, to the upheaval of life as we know it. If you tell me your weather is just fine and dandy where you live, give it time, you’ll see the craziness He has planned coming to your state. God is not done with us yet.

Moving along, at first, I was bitter and angry and slowly I was losing patience. I was paranoid and frustrated and sought to be healed or let go. He didn’t let me go, He held on tighter and tighter and popped open my eyes so I could see a little more clearly.

The chaos in the world can lead to isolation. You’re running along just fine until someone tosses a roadblock up and you sit idle for far too long. Maybe you’re in a raging storm held back by gridlock. Maybe an angry blizzard came up and movement forward is at a standstill. Maybe you’re getting tired of the unethical society being the controlling factor in day-to-day living. Maybe you think you have life under control but rest assured, He’s not done with you yet.

Job 14:19 “The waters wear the stones: thou washest away the things which grow out of the dust of the earth; and thou destroyest the hope of man.”

Recently I’ve noticed a slow migration from Facebook. People are dropping off of the radar for days if not weeks at a time. Last week someone asked, why are people leaving Facebook? I mentioned that maybe they’re tired of Big Brother watching their every move. I received a very aggressive snappy reply that said, “If you’re tired of Big Brother watching you, turn off your computer!” It is that type of nastiness that is causing people to migrate away from Facebook. It’s no longer a place of fun and sharing information in a congenial manner. It’s a paranoid aggression at its finest.

I myself could care less if Big Brother is watching my every move; I’m not doing anything wrong so I don’t have anything to hide. I could care less if they control the Internet, I’ll just find a hobby that doesn’t enlist the aid of online research, like painting and coloring. No skin off of my nose but apparently something is causing this mass migration.

Something is causing this shift in weather. Something is provoking this deviation in attitudes of negative energy that people are sending out. Something is compelling people to wake up and realize God is not done with us yet and are removing themselves out of fear and uncertainty. At first, in my paranoia, I thought it was just me, feeling like I had gone and done something wrong in steering people to a healthier lifestyle. I’ve come to the realization that people are who they are, and kill what they must, they’ll continue where they will and dust what they dust.

Job 6:20 “They were confounded because they had hoped; they came thither, and were ashamed.”

As my, hopefully short, hiatus begins, I leave you, my fellow Christians with hope! There IS hope in tomorrow. There is hope in saving yourself. There is promise in transforming the old you into a new being of Christ’s. You might not see it as you gaze at the corrupt land you live; the unscrupulous badgering society is taking but there IS hope! God’s not done with you yet! Remember that with every breath. 

Death without the hope of the resurrection and eternal life brings despair!

He is RISEN! 

All Praise and Glory to God!

Acts 24:15 “And have hope toward God, which they themselves also allow, that there shall be a resurrection of the dead, both of the just and unjust.”

God's Not Dead, He is surely alive, living on the inside roaring like a lion! 

It is Finished

John 17:4 “I have glorified thee on the earth: I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.”

It Is Finished

Do you remember where you heard those words? If you’re a Christian you remember those as words from Jesus on the cross. It is my understanding that the Greek term means ‘paid in full’. Jesus paid the debt for our sins in full.

I’m using the words a little differently as I’m finished with the work He had ME to do. He had me do a much different leg of work and I’m finished. I need to go now and prepare my book and works and I need to be released from distractions that the world tries to ingrain in my being. While I see the world as weakening me, I am strong and must do what I must do. I will continue to write to complete my healing. I'm unsure as to my next leg of this glorious journey.

You might be wondering what kind of work He had me do but my most dedicated followers, who’ve been with me from day one KNOW, they don’t need an explanation. I certainly had my work cut out for me as a good and faithful servant. I am in the midst of healing and this is what I offered to you but all too often my words were met with the doubt of Thomas and the denial of Peter. I think that has been the hardest part for me on this journey.

I knew from day one that my path would be met with doubt because even I myself had doubts in the beginning but the more and more I progressed in knowledge and wisdom, the more and more research I did, my duty became clearly evident. I was healing and I needed to share this glorious truth with my faithful friends.

The funny thing is, it became a truth not shared by others. That is where I staggered a bit, the ones who fell by the wayside. I became too preachy on this journey, a testament that many were not ready to accept, and many probably thought I was misinterpreting my duty to my Lord. I assure you, I serve only One Master!

In the beginning, when I was diagnosed with this disease of a lifetime, I had friends that visited my Facebook wall daily and surrounded me with support and compassion. Sympathy leaked from the outpouring of emotions in encouraging words wanting to be a part of this woman’s world before she ‘gave up the ghost’. It wasn’t until I testified that God was leading me down a different path of healing and living that these ‘friends’ began drifting away like florets in the wind. I have to say, it hurt and was unexpected but then I was assured that it would only get worse before it got better. The truth was realized. I have always heard the term ‘with friends like that, you don’t need enemies’ ie: An expression indicating that one's close associates prove more adversarial than one's opponents.

I came on strong when warning you of the signs and symptoms of not only cancer but other autoimmune disorders as well as obesity running rampant in America. Link after link I handed you a truth that took me time and energy and a whole lot of prayer before bringing into your hands [eyes] but it was my calling. My duty was not to walk alone on this path but to bring you all together with me in agreement and then make the change for the better. Just like when Moses brought the people out of Egypt and led them to a new way of life, they strayed. God knew this and accepted the fact that they were only human. I too have to accept that in thousands of years, man has not and will not change, except for the few and not the many.

When Jesus was hung on the cross and whispered those words ‘It is finished’, I can feel the sorrow in His voice every time I read them and utter the words out loud. He was sad because He knew he would be denied and that man would not change. He didn’t hurt for Himself; He was hurting for the man that He was bleeding for.

I offered a truth not from a religious standpoint but from a spiritual one and maybe that is what people couldn’t handle. Maybe when I said that I was being led by God my followers wanted me to put a religious stamp on my words but again I’ll tell you, God is not a religion! Putting God in a box is not what His Words are about. If you define your faith by a religion and not the Spirit of God, maybe some deep soul searching is needed.

I remember in the beginning when I started this journey one lady blatantly attacked me telling me that this is a serious disease not to be messed with and that she had lost too many people and that trusting God should only go so far! Wow, I couldn’t believe for one that she would attack me like that in my condition, or two that she wanted me to trust man over God. God reminded me that they first denied Him and that this was going to be my journey also and to be prepared. I don’t think anyone can prepare for betrayal, denial, and attacks. That is why Jesus was so sad because we [man] had let Him down. BUT, it didn’t stop Him from completing the prophecy. 

1 Sam. 8:7 “And the LORD said to Samuel, Listen to the voice of the people in all that they say to you: for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me, that I should not reign over them.
8] Like all the deeds which they have done since the day that I brought them up from Egypt even to this day-- in that they have forsaken Me and served other gods-- so they are doing to you also.”

Titus 1:16 “They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.”

Another supposedly dear friend kept saying things like [to no one in particular] “Wouldn’t you just like to slap some people upside the head when they’re going in the wrong direction?” Stuff like that I KNEW was directed at me as they too once fought this disease but they clearly chose the ‘pharma/business’ route. I was not, and am not saying, and never have said, that the chemo route is a wrong choice for YOU! I say and will continue to say that it is the wrong choice for ME and with PROOF in my hand, I will continue my stance! Rest assured, Google searches only became necessary AFTER my firm assertion from God who gave me the direction and started me on this journey. 

To make comments about my course without even reading what I’ve written is like telling God that maybe He shouldn’t have used Jesus to send a message by HANGING, goodness mercy me! I am saddened to know that you wouldn’t take the time to read the entire story, just the portions that resonate with you and kind of irk you enough to steer clear of me. It’s okay, I’m not God nor am I Jesus, and there is no penalty for denying my truth. 

I do have to thank the ones that day after day stayed committed to following me and my words and found solace in them. I thank you from the bottom of my heart because this trek would have been much harder without the support of my dear loving friends. My family [except one or two] has all but forgotten about me and tossed me under the bus, just like the Oncologists who denied me because I kept them from making 150,000 dollars as a chemo patient. I pray for them, only THEY will pay for their rejection. I am stronger where I stand and my virtual friends lend me an arm of tenacity I didn’t know I had in me. Please continuously keep me in your prayers. Place me on a perpetual pray list because without your prayer, I am nothing. I am living proof that with man all things are impossible but with God nothing is impossible!

It is finished.

God bless you all!

Matt. 19: 26 “But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.”

Luke 1:37 “For no word from God will ever fail.” (NIV)

Joni and Adam 2003

The journey: leaving Baltimore

A Healing Journey: Understanding now...

Pss. 118: 23 “This is the LORD's doing; it is marvellous in our eyes.”

A healing journey: Understanding now…

What I didn’t know then

Ever since this healing journey began which pretty much feels like most of my life, flashbacks. Flashbacks are the instances you thought you long forgot but something triggers a memory and you wonder, where did that come from? I believe it is all part of the healing plan and releasing the old baggage to pack a new one filled with the good arsenal that remains. I’m beginning to understand now what I didn’t know then.

When I was diagnosed I kicked into research mode seeking out the causes of this disease and remedies because I knew that nothing I did in life was of the conventional method. I knew from the very beginning that the unconventional route was going to be my journey so I set out on a mission of research and understanding. The first thing I stumbled on was stress. Stress happens to be one of the main factors of many diseases we now know to inhabit our bodies. 

From the outside, you might look at people and say, ‘they don’t look like they have stress’ or you might think, ‘I don’t have any stress’. Allow me to tell you, we ALL have stress that has built up solid walls inside us that if not tackled and taken down WILL surface as an illness now or later in life. While PTSD is a well-known stress ‘disorder’, not reserved just for soldiers, people are reluctant to admit to their own stress disorder lurking like a shadowed grim reaper.

From the Science Daily link:
"Effects of stress on regulation of immune and inflammatory processes have the potential to influence depression, infectious, autoimmune, and coronary artery disease, and at least some (e.g., viral) cancers," the authors write. 

There is PROOF that stress triggers autoimmune disorders. Stress is linked to many other cardiovascular illnesses also. Just type stress and autoimmune into your ‘search’ box and see what pops up. Stress is a leading factor of death. The trick here is to not rely on drugs to assist you in healing. Drugs may be important for some things but not good as pacifiers that are only going to continue to disguise your symptoms. Later on, when you realize the drugs are not helping, you’re going to need to actually mentally DEAL with what caused the stress to begin with, one way or another.

For me, it’s in the way of flashbacks. I’ve had tons to deal with over my life but not as much as many other people, I know, but of course looking from the inside out mine is always bigger. I’m sure everyone feels that their stress is bigger than anyone else’s too. It’s like all this snow we’re getting in the beginning days of spring. Winter and Spring are having a wrestling match and since Spring moved into winter territory for years, winter now feels entitled to waltz right into spring terrain! My winter looks worse because I’m here living through it but when I look out at the world, this winter is mild compared to other states.

While healing from stress you need to look from the inside out. I thought I’ve cleaned out this closet so well that I could now head into an adventure filled path of healing. That’s funny because the more I clean out, the more secret compartments I find to dig into usually in the form of flashbacks. Just one little trigger memory exposes the hidden door. I believe this is where any prescription drugs you are taking masks the hidden compartments and you can’t find a complete healing. Doctor after doctor, therapist after therapist, there will be no healing as long as you’re on drugs; the compartments stay medicinally hidden.

I don’t have the luxury of drugs pacifying my memories and burying portions of my past. The shadow of doors are all open, it’s just a matter of seeing what is behind each one so I can face it head on, release the trauma, and edge my way to a healing spot in my journey. Recently, the further I climb down the rabbit hole the more flashbacks surface and expose an event I overlooked. Now where did that come from I think to myself, but then I know it is all part of the Master’s plan and a big player on my healing journey.

While I’m on the healing path I look out at those who are essentially stricken with the need to kill themselves on the drug route and face death. My brother, who fractured his hip over a month ago, was told he needed surgery. They’ve tried weaning him off alcohol and Oxycontin [gave him a different lethal drug], cigarettes [gave him the patch], and gave him physical therapy to try and mend the too far gone bones in his body. They told him not to walk on his one leg or it will put too much pressure on his already weakened legs. Word came through the wires that he is not listening to anything they’ve told him. How frustrating to hear. Nobody wants to listen and adhere. They all want to be part of the herd. 

I was told that chemotherapy might add a year or two to my life and the stubborn (or sound?) woman in me scoffed at their offer of drugs that would kill me quicker than any alternative route. I’m sure people laugh and shake their head at me, as they pop yet another pill. I’m sure there are people out there feeling like chemotherapy saves lives, but they’re also waiting for the bomb to drop that well, guess what, the disease is back, the pacifier failed.

As my flashbacks open further doorways in my healing, I hurt for the many who basically live with all of the doors closed and are only willing to follow the herd. I crave life and living while they feed off of neutrality. I long to stand firm and walk on my path while others take the train. I wonder if they knew now what they didn’t know then would anything change, or would they allow fear to reign?

A quote from a Dr. Coldwell:
"Needle biopsies, for example. People need to understand that a tumour is there to save your life. When your body is full with poison, toxaemic and acidosis and you are basically going to die of that poison – your body builds a bag and collects all the poison from your body into this bag, which they call a tumour. So the body did all the work. And now they come and they say "We need to do a needle biopsy." and pinch into this highly toxic tumour; which of course now explodes and pours all the poison into the body. And then they say "You have a very fast growing, very aggressive form of cancer." They GAVE it to you. They created it.

And most cancers disappear on their own anyway, because about 7-10 times, everybody has cancer in their lifetime. If you don’t become unlucky enough to fall into the hands of a medical professional and get a test done and they tell you that you have something bad going on; and the very next day, can start murdering you with chemotherapy, which is based on mustard gas. Mustard gas is forbidden after the Geneva Convention as a war chemical; they put it into your bloodstream and radiate you to death. Or cut you surgically – which always spreads the cancer." – Dr. Leonard Coldwell

"Cancer is not an illness – cancer is a symptom. These cancerous growths, the cell growths, whatever it might be, that we don’t want in our body, is a symptom; it is not the cancer. So cutting the symptom out does not resolve your problem, at all. And that's why it reappears. Or why they kill the entire body with chemotherapy for two years. Now, anything shrinks. Your organs shrink, the brain shrinks – and the tumour shrinks. Because they dehydrate the body. So now, at the same rate at your organs are shrinking, your tumour is shrinking. Now they say "It's working. The tumour is shrinking." It's [chemo] one of the biggest frauds ever." – Dr. Leonard Coldwell

Clearly - Grace Vanderwaal

Too Much to Handle?

Pss.118: 17 “I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.”

Too much to handle?

What God has done for me…

I’ve never really been a fan of the fictional Super Heroes of the comic world or of the TV/movie world; it’s just not my thing. I’ve always admired the real heroes of the world that took great steps in saving/rescuing/training or changing the people of the world that walks around with blinders on bumping into wall after wall.

The real heroes are the ones with an uncanny strength that endures the prickliest of situations. They walk amid the cactus without getting pricked, they see the rose not the thorn, they hear the Word, not the world; those are the real heroes.

I never saw myself as one of those heroes, that is until…this Lenten season lent me clarity of something and now I see differently. I look around at people who say they are going to diet or give something up and fail in epic proportions after just a month of forgoing the very reason they started the diet in the first place. Their strength is weakened by temptation.

I watch as addictions pull tighter and tighter on the purse strings. I had to watch first hand as my husband wrestled with giving up sugar, Pepsi, and other addictions only to be pulled right back in within two months. I’m not the type of woman who lays demands at my husband’s feet and says change this or else, I don’t judge others for trying something and failing, all I can do is give them a sight of what successfully overcoming the temptations looks like, and sit and watch them walk or fall. 

I realized something this month, I have the strength of a T-Rex and the weakness of the T-Rex with its small little arms unable to reach the very ground he walks. I have the gentleness of a Brontosaurus that sees herbs, leaves, and plants as the nutrition of choice. I also feel that the likes of me are extinct in nature and I forage looking for someone, something, anything that shares my determination to live. People are remiss in understanding the strength needed to survive in this world today. They give up all too easily or turn a blind eye, puffing themselves up literally and metaphorically.

You might say that I’ve not always been this strong and you’d be wrong. I didn’t realize it when I was young of course because I was too busy surviving. I didn’t just one day ‘decide’ to be strong, give something up, take the road less traveled, this was my nature from my very beginning. I think I only just realized my strength, in seeing others falter over and over and unable to show very little semblance of strength. 

Okay, where did my strength come from? I can only attribute the unending strength of God Himself. I hear over and over that ‘God never gives you more than you can handle.’ That little piece of solace is based on:

KJV: 1 Corinthians 10:13 “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” 

ESV: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

AMP version simplified for you: “No temptation [regardless of its source] has overtaken or enticed you that is not common to human experience [nor is any temptation unusual or beyond human resistance]; but God is faithful [to His word—He is compassionate and trustworthy], and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability [to resist], but along with the temptation He [has in the past and is now and] will [always] provide the way out as well, so that you will be able to endure it [without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy].

I believe that God does give you MORE than you can handle and this is where your strength is built up and sustained but notice also … “but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”

I look back at my life; psoriasis arrived on the scene at around fourteen about the same time I converted from Catholicism to Christianity. Tempted by the wiles of men and alcohol, one man in particular whom I ended up marrying and staying married to for twenty years. At twenty-one, the legal age to drink, I gave up alcohol and further pursued the God who ‘provided a way out’ so I was ‘able to endure’ the path or what I like to deem ‘the road less traveled’! 

At thirty-seven, God was pulling me in a different direction. He had seen that not only had I endured but all the trying to save those around me I had done failed. He then called me to a completely different set of surroundings but I’d have to give up ALL of my possessions, save for my child, clothes and a few writings and odds and ends, that was it. I followed. The length of His arm was all that I had to strengthen me and it was enough to carry me over one thousand miles away.

Six years of reflection, healing, and growth were my years in the Texas sun. Then we were called to the center of the United States in the form of the heartland in the Midwest called Nebraska. It was here that my husband went blind, and had his sight restored two-and-a-half years later. It is here where I grew in strength for my Lord and Savior, feeding off the purity of souls that He surrounded me with physically and virtually. It is here where arthritis appeared and my body weakened but my strength kept growing and growing.

I thought I had had ‘more than I could handle’ but God poured out a little more in way of the life-changing diagnosis of Cancer. Yup, the Big C is what I was now dished out to overcome and strengthen myself with. I thought for sure I had met my end but God assured me that it was only the beginning of His plan! What was even bigger was that He asked me to trust in Him and not man to be the Almighty Healer that He is! This is where many people say, ‘C’mon now, that is just too far! God would never do that!’ Well, guess what people, He did, to ME! He gave me MORE than I could handle!

Now the task in front of me was to trust in Him [not man], lean not on my own understanding [ego], and use the very talents I was given [writing and research] as a tool in building an even stronger me. Onward I go, fast after fast, feast after feast, sight after site, [yes you read that right], and person after person I will change as I grow and hopefully teach them a lesson they can carry with them as they too are given ‘more than they can handle’. I am now a hundred pound weakling overcoming the impossible with the strength of David fighting the massive Goliath.

As I watch the weakened fall, I hand you strength to carry on in Him who is the Almighty Healer with an arm and hand stretched out to you and all you have to do is surrender your ALL [not just small portions ie: I’ll give up this but not that]. I believe it is at that time where you’re given too much to handle that you will find YOUR strength in enduring what God can do for you. 

1 Chron. 16:34 “O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever.”

The Moral of the Story Is...

Easter April 1st, 2018 - Snow - Lots of it

Isa. 55:9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

The Moral of the Story... 

All week I was undecided whether I was going to make it to the family’s Easter gathering. Since I haven’t been able to walk really well for a month now I cried out and said if I can’t walk I’m not going. It isn’t as if his family hasn’t seen me in this weakened state. Remember I’ve spoken many of time how their eyes speak of pity, dripping of poor Joni looks. It hurts me to see that look on their faces. It’s not my fault I can read people, but their eyes being the window of their soul, their pity pours from their eyes.

All month I’ve struggled to get better. His mom came out last week for my birthday and brought me an enormous fruit tray! She asked if we’d be coming on Easter and defensively I said, “I don’t even know how I’ll feel tomorrow nevertheless in a week.” I left it at that because each new day is a challenge and I feel different every day.

This week I almost forced myself to feel better. One day I would walk well and I kept myself busy and the next day the cane was back in my hand. Each day that I feel better I find myself trying to do too much in a day and am in pain the very next day. It’s the new game of what will I feel today. Friday I washed clothes, scrubbed up the tub and bathroom, vacuumed the floor as if I was preparing for guests to arrive! Saturday I woke and didn’t feel bad at all and went on with my chore for the day and that was going to be to make my mother’s classic macaroni salad to take with me on our Easter outing. With determination in hand, I was intent on going to a family get-together.

All week long the weather was predicting a cold spell for Easter Sunday. Cold as in twenty to thirty degrees after a mixture of the fifties and sixties on the clickity-clanking roller coaster ride of the transitional winter-spring event. I don’t know what day it was when I checked the weather and the word snow popped up but I paid it no mind and went on to healing, physically and emotionally.

Friday came and I checked the weather and it said more than just snow, it said Winter Weather Advisory! For some reason, I thought it was a nasty unethical April Fools joke but I knew deep down the professionals in the field wouldn’t do something of that magnitude. They were now calling for three to five inches of snow, eight if you were under the heavy band that was attached to the storm.

I trudged ahead with my plans; it took my whole day Saturday to make the macaroni salad with every intention of going to see the family on Easter Sunday. A whole day to make macaroni salad you ask? Well, when it comes to steaming the shrimp, cutting up the stuff that goes in it, hard-boiling eggs and mixing the sauce, yes, it takes about four to five hours to make it perfect, the classic way I remember it being made from childhood.

Everything seemed to be going wrong! I made this dish for years now but this time everything was going wonky on me from the noodles to the eggs, step by step it just kept getting worse and worse! The two-pounds of macaroni noodles were not the right ones. I usually use just the simple generic elbows but these were name brand and apparently, two pounds of simple elbow macaroni to generic brands is different than the name brands. I had enough fancier ridged noodles than I knew what to do with! 

From what felt like overcooked noodles to the undercooked eggs, and my dog circling my feet wondering if anything would drop for her, to my back in wrenching pain, this wasn’t going well. I persisted and went on winding up with making a meal for the guys with the excess noodles I had, making me something to eat and having more than enough macaroni salad for all. The optimist in me reigns!

For the entire week of Holy Week, I stayed focused on my faith and winding down the Lenten season with all that I’ve learned. My mornings and writings, as usual, were scripture, my movies at night were God related; winding down at a nice pace, pain in check but persistence won out very easily.

I didn’t even think of the snow until Sunday morning came. I woke and as I peeked out the window I could see a blanket of cotton covering the darkness. As the sun, or lack thereof, began shedding light on the horizon, I could see what I couldn’t see an hour ago, a little more snow than I thought. My son was due to drive home in the wintry white slippery stuff, yet again, after his two nights a week graveyard shift ended. He came home sore because of the shoveling he had to do and the lugging of salt. 

As the blustery temps remained below freezing, the snow kept falling and falling rendering us homebound for the day. I wasn’t willing to drive in the stuff since my back cannot handle the swerves a slick icy/muddy road causes and my husband, being blind in one eye, has trouble differentiating the ditch and the road when it is all uniformly white. We played it safe and stayed home. His mom was disappointed but she wanted us all safe too. Other family members couldn’t make it either, so I didn’t feel too bad about not being able to attend. Maybe she should set the time later than twelve noon from now on. Nope, tradition is tradition and one thing I’ve learned from this family is that they are steeped in routine and tradition.

I didn’t plan on being home for the day so now I had to figure out a meal. Plans are made to be broken I get, but I was certainly not ready for it to be seven inches of snow on April first to be what kept us home. Yes, we could’ve trudged through the snow, after all that is another thing I learned about Nebraskan’s, they don’t let snow stop them from anything. I live in a 4x4 red, white, and black state, Husker nation through and through.

By two o’clock the sun had pierced through the heavy blanket of clouds and the snow had finally stopped. I had shoveled a path for my dog earlier and the path was all but gone, filled in with snow, except for a sliver of brown peeking through. The roads looked very passable and finally cars were passing on the now slushy mess. The warming of the ground from many fifty and sixty degree days helped alleviate the plowing of the snow. The eight inches of snow I brushed from the truck was now sliding off the roof that I couldn’t reach, but the grass was still thick in the middle of the white stuff that defined the majority of the ‘Winter from Hell’! Temperatures stayed in the twenties the entire day of April 1st, 2018.

Then the words came through the tunnel…I have to go to the emergency room. * thud * I nearly fainted at the sight of blood and was rendered useless. Wrapped in gauze my husband drove off as I nurtured my near-fainting, dizzying spell and vomiting. Four stitches later and two hours passed (I was still woozy) my husband made it back home. Unless you want me to pass out, please don’t ask me what happened in my hubby’s new ‘workshop’. Use your imagination, DO NOT ASK! 

All in all the ending of the Lenten season’s highlight was the moral of the entire season; our plans are not God’s plans! Our ways are not His ways! He can and WILL do whatever He sets in motion to do! No one else is in control but Him! Let loose of the ego in you and be reminded, God is good all the time, ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD! 

Pss. 118: 5  “I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a large place.

[6] The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?”

[8] It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.

4 1 18 - Chrismas Pointsettias covered in snow! 

We couldn't have Easter without Christmas now, can we?