Gateway to Health: Confidence

Pss. 118:8 “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.”

Confidence

Throughout scripture, I can find dozens of verses building me with the confidence I need to move forward. Ones where God promises to never let me down in times of trouble (and when there is no trouble also). 

As a child, I lacked confidence and had very low self-esteem. I had no confidence in moving from one day to the next. Suicidal thoughts were my companions throughout many years of my life. Venturing into a strained marriage as a child at seventeen, left me carrying the burden of a mental illness that I felt consumed him more than me. I told myself that I was the strong one. In hindsight I realize I was just as crazy as him. 

My first sexual encounter with him was that of statutory rape as I was fifteen and he was nineteen. But since I had been sexually abused years prior, I didn’t know the difference in sex and love they meshed like clouds and sun. Sex down by the grainy railroad tracks was not my idea of an ideal love story in the making but I went on for twenty years married to him all in the name of love. I guess I was as warped as him. My question all along was, would God save me? Would He get me out of this mess I got myself into? 

God enabled me to be free of the disaster of a marriage with a young child in tow and an angel that had passed over when I was sixteen. My hard knocks crippling marriage would have come to an end even if I was the only one who saw the enduring mental illness that carried the marriage into the roadblock that awaited us. 

Confidence was never my friend. I saw other girls, and then women look like torches in the darkened night, going forward with their hair blowing in the wind. They were free to carry the light and they did so with grace and confidence even if their inner turmoil was present, they had families supporting them, friends surrounding their inner circle, and they might have had a God that guided them. I don't know but from the outside looking in, they were the epitome of confidence.

Matt. 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”

My fairytale was never so elegant. Mine was crawling in the pits of ashes, clawing my way from one disaster to another. Yes, I had God by my side, but what I didn’t have was two or three gathered. I was alone and lonely in my mind most of my childhood and adult life and the fight was my own while everyone else was floating forward in life. I was scraping my knees to get by, nothing more; I lived only to one day die.

Then in 2002 things began to change. Life was breathed into me. I felt a new reason to live and that was the fairytale kind of love that knocked on my door; all I had to do was leave everything (EVERYTHING, except my child) behind and go forward. I was no longer on my knees; I was being whisked away by the light and love that other people, the floaters, experienced. Leaving the alcohol and drug-induced dysfunctional family behind was a little easier than I  had ever imagined. 

To say that the next fifteen years were an easy breeze would not be true. I had to adapt to a new way of living; new family to embrace. Living six years in Texas was just the cocoon phase of my metamorphosis. I would be part of a team, him and I; I would be enmeshed in my dream of the writing world, I would love and be loved back, maybe for the first time in my life! Granted my family back home loved me, to an extent, I was out of sight and thus out of their mind. 

My heart and life grew ten sizes too big when he and I were forced to move to Nebraska, the hometown of my hubby and his ever-loving God enriched family. This was everything I ever sought in life, to love and be loved. I had online friends who grew into a family to me; I had spiritual friends who I knew were only brought to me by the hand of God himself. I had family that was close by and that accepted me with all my quirkiness and tales in tow, they all loved me!

This might sound a little crazy coming out of left field but this disease is just one of the best things ever to happen to me. How many of you can say that? I was given a second chance to embrace life. Change the things I KNEW were wrong. I'm allowing people to see that there is confidence in being supported one way or another. Support is not people saying, ‘Oh I’m so sorry this is happening to you,’ support is people watching you walk through the coals of fire and standing on the sidelines saying they know you can do it, thatta girl, way to go!

When this diagnosis smacked me in the face I wanted to live like never before. I wanted God to use me for His purpose and maybe this time with the support of spiritual friends and marital family, and my niece Sara from back home, I wouldn’t be alone in my walk. They would surround me with the support I needed and I would now be the torchbearer walking forward in confidence leading them with the Light I carry.

Pss 118: 5-6 “I called upon the Lord in distress: the Lord answered me, and set me in a large place. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?”

Faith, Strength, and Determination

Side by side, me and my God

Zeph. 3:17 “The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.”

Faith, Strength, and Determination

Again, after the diagnosis, I knew what I wanted and it wasn’t chemotherapy. The days following the Big C diagnosis I did a lot of talking to God and asking Him where it is that HE would have me go. I was listening, hearing, and leaning on his promise. I knew what I didn’t want and that was to be sliced open, radiated, and given chemotherapy for YEARS then be placed on meds until my imminent death. Or I didn’t want midway through the course of the treatments to change my mind THEN decide to go the healthy HEALING holistic route. No, I would need FAITH, strength, and determination!

I felt like this was a race of a lifetime. The race where I might struggle and fall at times and would surely need God to come and hold me up and help me finish each stretch of the journey. You see, I think people get the wrong impression of God being a punishing God, one who wants to take you out swiftly because you’re a sinner. They could not be more wrong. This is my take.

When God created the world and sin slithered into the picture God the disciplinarian stepped in to show mankind the path that we should go. We were aimed at leaning on Him and trusting that He knew what was right for us. Man didn’t want a Father to lean on; man relied falsely on himself to take care of matters. Selfishness and greed ruled and God in his eternal love for what he created gave discipline where discipline was due. Then he rested, He let man try and shape his moral dilemma and we failed miserably.

That’s where Jesus stepped into the picture. God, as man, lived on earth to feel the intensity of what sin in the world was in ‘real time’. What is so ironic is that God could feel the anger of mankind destroying all that He created, but he was never tempted to be like man. That is what set Jesus apart from the selfish greedy man. Man could not, then or now, accept the fact that there was perfection allowed to walk the earth. Man was and is still consumed with himself only allowing God into the picture when they need Him.

Prov. 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

I am deeply rooted in my faith. It is no better than yours and no worse, it is different. We are all allowed to think and feel differently about our beliefs as long as we know where to lean when times of trouble arise. Man still wants to do things for himself, a kind of not wanting to ‘burden’ God with his problems sort of matter. As for me, I always lean on God for even the smallest of things, seriously!

Well, this diagnosis was nothing small but I still turned to Him first. Was I wrong? In my mind, NO, I’m different. Some people take a doctors word as solid truth with no room for error. Some go for a second and third opinion for a reason, I like to think it’s because their gut instinct is telling them something doesn’t feel right. My gut instinct is God in me, holding me up and carrying me and giving me strength and determination in places where others might fall. He shows me the way in which to go and I follow with no doubt or mistrust in the midst.

1 Pet. 1:8 “Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:”

I got a first and second opinion and what it felt like was that same small child who was on the playground being bullied. I felt like my opinion didn’t matter and I was supposed to lay down my life for this disease and adhere to the almighty doctor who doesn’t know one hair on my head but thinks he knows what is best for me. Bullies belittle and shame you into submission. Out of fear, you crumble and fall, it's the human thing to do.

Luke 12:7 “But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.”

I went that route of the bullies as a kid. It didn’t work then and I was led down the wrong path and only when I trusted with everything in me, God my Father, that is when my life turned around. At the doctor’s office, I felt the taunting fingers, pointing at me, screaming and telling me I’m wrong and that I was nothing, I was not committing to their plan and no, they were not happy about it. Just as it was when I was a kid and turned to God, I was shunned, the doctors then released me and would not claim responsibility if anything were to go wrong. No tests, no follow through, nothing. Like bullies who didn’t get their way, they stomped off into the sunset, onto their next victim.

I was scared and alone but everything in me told me to trust in God. As in the past, I knew the path, I knew the trust and faith I needed to put in Him. No, it would not be an easy task but it was a route that I trusted in my very being, my soul was in the safe familiar territory.

By the grace of God, I was now filled with strength and determination. Out in the small crowd of family and friends, there would still be wagging fingers, taunting and unbelieving of the idiocy. How dare I go against what they themselves found to be truth and trust in the doctors. Who am I to go against the grain? What makes me any better? Nothing, she’ll fall! I allowed the doubts of the naysayers to tinker in my mind for a spell. Not for very long as you can see. Almost one year has passed and I’m still going strong, feeling great, am forty pounds lighter, and people now want what I have! 

Trust, faith, strength, and determination. They’re all yours! They’re already inside you, you just need to tap into them. It is hard since we’ve been conditioned to trust our fellow man but let me tell you this, in all honesty. You know how you have a friend that you trust with your life? You’ve told the biggest secret to and they carry it with them without sharing it? Then one day it happens, you come home and find that the secret has been spilled? Yeah, God’s not like that. He is the ONLY One you can tell the secret to and trust He won’t tell a soul. As a matter of fact, He already knows the secret before you tell Him, He would just like you to claim it, put it out there for Him to carry for you. That’s me! I share with Him my deepest darkest secrets and trust Him to carry it to my grave. He does, with Light and Love.

As I go on, He is my strength and determination. My faith is in Him and Him alone. The taunters and teasers are silenced. The naysayer is drowned out, limping along the road in doubt and fear in a sunny oasis waiting for one dribble of water. Me, I have a fountain full of faith that I’ll shower them with if only they’d be open to receive. 

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the EVIDENCE of things not seen. (My motto by the way) Strength is the leaning not on my own understanding and trusting God implicitly. The determination is knowing there is an eternal reward at the end.

Heb. 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

May the Grace of God be with you all! 

Gateway to Health: Change

Job 30:18 “By the great force of my disease is my garment changed: it bindeth me about as the collar of my coat.”

Gateway to Health: Change

Everyone thinks about change, little actually do something about it. In other words, change is just something people think about doing but if you put no action behind it, it is then just a word you throw around. This week is the week resolutions will be broken. The promise of change scared you back into your lazy habits.

You can’t just say you’re going to change your habits you have to actively seek out the best way to make your life better and cut those nasty, toxic routines down a couple of notches! 

When I was first diagnosed I knew a change was in order and one of the major protocols. I didn’t realize just how drastic the change had to be, but I dove right in, researching what needed to change first and foremost. I went from eating mac and cheese, pasta crazy woman who loved her milk and cookies and her unfathomable amounts of bad for me foods and sugar, to zero!

I cut out dairy, meats, carbs, sugar, you name it, I more than likely couldn’t eat it or was leery of it feeding the sick cells in my body. Let me tell you, just because you’re not diagnosed with the Big C doesn’t mean it isn’t sitting inside you right now festering and waiting for the right time to be caught. I know you’re saying, “I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it,” and I pray it never finds you. If it does are you going to be ready?  Yeah, I wasn’t ready either. I too would much rather be eating junk food, drinking Pepsi and living like I just don’t care but God handed me a second chance. Not everyone is as lucky as me. Yeah, the diagnosis was shocking but it didn’t end me. God might not give you, your kids or your grandkids a second chance so why not change now, or at least TRY to change?

I think people in the world are disillusioned. They tell themselves lies to justify why they do what they do or maybe they really don’t care and the YOLO attitude is in charge. That’s still no reason to drink a beer because it helps you fall asleep, or drink aspartame even though you’ve read that it causes cancer. People lie to themselves all the time and justify each step of their wrongdoing.

From the link above:
“...this is due to the fact that tumors were extremely rare in the past. They only became common and rampant in recent times due to people’s poor diet habits, laziness, and excess technology.”

Do you see/read that and realize what it is saying? Our bad eating habits, our laziness has CAUSED cancer? You probably don’t believe that as you’re sitting there biting into a chemically laden burger, or drinking the toxic soft drink, with french fries soaked in grease then ingested. Oh, I know it tastes good, but when you’re popping numerous pills because of an illness, day after day, is that easier and cheaper than CHANGING your diet?

Change isn’t all about food. When you change your diet a lot of times everything else falls into place like exercise, less need of drugs to keep you going, your clothes size, and your health transforms. You no longer want to lie to yourself, you no longer are a person who whines and cries about every ache and pain, you’ve challenged the pain to go away and by changing, it goes away. Change is everything!

With this disease front and center in my life, I changed more than my diet, I changed the toxic water I drink, the soap I use, the shampoo, pots, and pans and with that change, I am no longer a prisoner to chemicals being ingested. We live in a world where no one cares about the round-up being used on our food, the chemicals to keep our food fresh for DAYS and maybe weeks, or the plastics that we radiate our food in a microwave and then eat the food. We have made ourselves sick because we have allowed ourselves to be simplified not knowing it’s what is basically killing us.

We live in a hurried and rushed world not ready for the change. Change is too hard, too challenging, too out of reach. We want our steaks bigger, so they’re shot up with GMO’S, we want our food bigger lasting longer and cooked faster. We don’t want challenges, we like being overweight and lazy. And what is so weird is if we’re not lazy we still gain weight. It’s the chemicals and drugs that have tampered with your metabolism and no matter how hard you try, the weight stays, you keep growing and nothing changes.

I challenged you on January first to give up just carbs and sugar. That’s it. I don’t think anyone took me up on the challenge and that’s okay. If you won’t give up those two, at least become a label reader and become aware of all the carbs and sugar you put in your stomach. Just by changing the way you buy food, can change your waist size, and everything else will follow suit. ACTION causes a REACTION! Guaranteed! It is scientifically proven!

I’ve changed for my health because I want to live yet I can’t figure out for the life of me why. I’m still working on that one. I’m going to live while everyone around me dies? I think I’m being transformed. I’m being prepared. My body is becoming the purity that was born into this world. I’ve only just realized now that I was a tainted lifeform and now my transformation will bring me back to the beginning. It makes no sense to you but all the sense to me.

While I write to try and help you to want to change, I realize no one really wants to change they want to stay the same. Change takes time and since I was in line with a ticket and it came that my time was up, it made the matter more urgent and change was necessary or I’d die, plain and simple.

I have seen testimonies of Stage 4 brain/ colon/ lung cancer patients heal with alternative protocols, I have read testimonies of Stage 3 Breast Cancer patients healing with self-care, I have also seen testimonies of the tragic Stage 1 patients being led to slice and dice slaughter and down the immune life damaging path because they were told they were going to die. One word – CHANGE. Change changes everything! Are you up to the challenge?

Job 14:14 “If a man die, shall he live again? all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come.”

Poetry Sunday ~ My Country Tis of Thee...

Isa.24:5 “The earth also is defiled under the inhabitants thereof; because they have transgressed the laws, changed the ordinance, broken the everlasting covenant.”

My Country, Tis of Thee…

My country tis of thee

No land of liberty

Of thee I plead.

Land where my father died

Land where all children cried

Where man will always burn inside

For once, let FREEDOM reign.

My country tis of thee

No peace I ever see

Of thee I bleed.

Land never filled with pride

Land with arms open wide

Where man cannot safely hide

Why is FREEDOM pain?

My country tis of thee

No truth will set me free

Of thee is greed.

Land lost to all that chide

Land where no man abide

Where loyalty is put aside

My FREEDOM’s slain!

My country tis of thee

I long to trust in thee

Of thee great seed.

Land where the ground has dried

Land where no fruit complied

Where others all deride

Let FREEDOM not be vain.

Hos. 4:7 “As they were increased, so they sinned against me: therefore will I change their glory into shame.”

Quotation Saturday ~ Change

Jer. 33:6 “Behold, I will bring it health and cure, and I will cure them, and will reveal unto them the abundance of peace and truth.”

HEALING

“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Jalaluddin Mevlana Rumi

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.” 
― David Richo

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

“Listen to God with a broken heart. He is not only the doctor who mends it but also the father who wipes away the tears.” 
― Criss Jami

CHANGE

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” 
― Rob Siltanen

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” 
― Margaret Mead

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” 
― Jalaluddin Mevlana Rumi

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” 
― Paulo Coelho

DIET

“People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action.” 
― Steve Maraboli

“True discipline is really just self-remembering; no forcing or fighting is necessary.” 
― Charles Eisenstein

“No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated with any other means.” 
― Maimonides

“He who cures a disease may be the skillfullest, but he that prevents it is the safest physician.” 
― Thomas Fuller

CHOICE

“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.” 
― Robert Frost

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

“In the space between yes and no, there's a lifetime. It's the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it's the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; its the legroom for the lies you'll tell yourself in the future.” 
― Jodi Picoult

“Maturity is when you stop complaining and making excuses, and start making changes.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

“We’ve always had a choice, and we always choose what will potentially kill us. Why not make the choice to live and choose wisely?”
~ Joni Zipp

Holistic Healing

“Food and medicine are not two different things: they are the front and back of one body. Chemically grown vegetables may be eaten for food, but they cannot be used as medicine.” 
― Masanobu Fukuoka,

“Calling holistic medicine "alternative medicine" is no longer appropriate. The best approach now is "integrated medicine" in which we take the best of both worlds.” 
― Candess M. Campbell

“Holistic self-realization is the realization of your heart’s desire. Why holistic? Because it involves your entire being. ” 
― Stefan Emunds

“A non-GMO Mom is an avid researcher, a conscientious protector, and the most effective teacher of natural health.” 

“Disobey God and you are forgiven. Disobey Nature and you get disease.”

― Nancy S. Mure

Contemporary medical technology is not an advancement in medicine- it indicates the failure of Caucasian medical science and is a sign of ignorance. Technology cannot replace the human ability to diagnose disease by looking, touching and smelling to perform treatments without drugs.” 
― Llaila Afrika

“The year 2018 I am choosing healthy living instead of choosing to die unhealthy!”
~Joni Zipp

God Bless one and all in the New Year! 

Gateway To Health: The Journey

Rom. 8:25  “But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.”

Gateway to Health: The Journey

On this journey, have I always been filled with confidence? By no means! No one can get a life-altering diagnosis and walk away being filled with confidence. I can honestly say that the only thing that I had the utmost confidence in was God and His promises. I kept that front and center of my mind before I took the initial step of Natural Healing as opposed to chemical healing.

2 Cor. 4:7 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.”

The first day after the diagnosis I sat in tears for hours on end. I felt for sure my eyes would burst from all the stress I put on them in one day. This was my day of mourning; the day that I put my past unhealthy life behind me and started off on a new journey. With staff in hand, I arose the next day with a mission, a mission of life-altering change! If you remember my former posts you’ll know the staff was needed for balance. My balance wasn’t so great so off I went…

My first line of defense was knowledge and understanding meaning a massive amount of research in what was going on in the disease world, specifically the Disease of Fear. Yup, that’s what cancer is, a disease of fear. That was one of the first things I learned on my step into the future. The disease is wrought with fear, chemicals, drugs, and misdiagnosis. To regain HEALTH, I had to wipe that off the slate right away and keep moving forward.

Some people will say that the disease is not one of fear but they’d be lying to themselves. It’s okay to lie to yourself but I went into this illness with TRUTH. God is my truth and God would guide me. Good or bad, I would accept whatever and wherever I landed. I landed on The Truth About Cancer page as well as Chris Wark’s page ChrisBeatCancer. Why would God lead me here if chemo and fear were the right routes to go, FOR ME?

Reading through these two sites (and many, many more I might add) I was being armored to go against what oncologists demanded of me. Demanded! They were not giving me anything but demands and fear-ridden protocols. When I asked for time to think it over, they demanded I make a decision right then and there or I would DIE! I smelled fear but once again I had to shrug it off and walk on and trust my instincts and most of all trust God.

Some will say, ‘how do you put so much trust and faith in a God that might or might not exist?’ Well let me tell you, I believe He created me, so if He wanted to take me away from this earth he could very well do so and he’s left me here this long. My entire life has been shaped and built on faith and trust in God, why would I NOT trust him now? Why would He let me down, NOW? Because this disease is a life or death matter? I digress, ALL of our lives are life and death, this diagnosis doesn’t change that.

Onto the next leg of the journey, drastically changing where the cause of this illness began, food, stress, and mind. One at a time I went through changing the food protocol, (plant-based for six months) NO CHEATING! And that includes sugars, carbs, and processed foods! 

The mind is a powerful organism. It can make or break you. If you don’t work hard to release the traumatic stress in your life that you subconsciously hold onto, you might as well go the chemo route because nothing will work for you. That’s how vital stress is to this disease or any illness for that matter. 

I was now dressed to change my life or die, I chose life. God chose life for me so the least I can do for Him is choose life also. I watch as so many people are given a life-altering diagnosis, like heart disease and the doctor says, change your diet, and no one does, just give them a drug to keep their heart ticking. Diabetes, the doctor says change your diet, and no one does, just give me a pill to keep my blood pumping. Obesity, change your diet but you say it’s too hard, give me a pill to help me along. Arthritis, change your diet. Psoriasis, change your diet. Do you see the pattern? But for cancer, the doctor NEVER says change your diet! But EVERY website I landed on pointed directly TO the diet! This is the only time in my life that I’ve found YouTube to be vital to aiding me in my healing plan. Using your Immune System to Fight Cancer was just another informative lesson for me to heal.


I am not in the fight for my life, I am on the journey of a lifetime, bringing about the change necessary to LIVE and THRIVE! While the doctors have all abandoned me, and me being in a state that doesn’t support LIFE, it supports doctors and pharmaceutical companies, money and greed, not HEALTH! The only One I can trust on this journey is my FAITH, my God, and my eternal Spirit!

While doctors are only given eight hours of training on nutrition and health, they don’t see the healing power of  ‘you are what you eat’. Their years of training are to pinpoint the illness and medicate. Some will tell you to change your diet and medicate at the same time instead of seeing if it is the overindulgence of bad eating habits that is the CAUSE of the illness or disease you’re experiencing. I think they know you won’t change and would rather stay the same and become dependent upon medication, they’re banking on that.

You may be too far gone to change (I don’t believe that, I do believe you won’t EMBRACE change, even when your life depends on it) and you may be in a state that is for the patient and not against the patient. We all have a CHOICE in the matter, that’s the greatest thing and even with this diagnosis, I CHOOSE LIFE! I am embracing the necessary changes to healthy living. My life depends on it! Your life depends on it. It’s what we do with that knowledge that brings us to the Gateway to HEALTH.

I live with the patience to endure day after day. I’m healthy, I’m alive and the change is worth a few added years to my lifespan. The only way I’m going out of this world is if God decides He needs me more there than doing my work here.


Rom 8:26-31 “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.
Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.
What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

Faith: Your Gateway to Health

Luke 4:40 “Now when the sun was setting, all they that had any sick with divers diseases brought them unto him; and he laid his hands on every one of them, and healed them.”

Faith: Your Gateway to Health

Faith, support, determination, and change, all adds up to HEALTHY!

One by one, these will have their own individual topics along with exercise. Since HEALTH is our goal, I’m going to try and help you achieve a goal. Set yourself a small goal. A hurdle of sorts. No need to tell me what it is, maybe write it down on a piece of paper so that you can overcome the hurdle then tell me about how well you did. I want to be a person of support so please feel free to ask me questions or tell me about your success (or failure). I want to rejoice in support of you!

I know you’ve all heard the term ‘born again’ and biblically that means being born again as a new person in the Spirit of Christ. Well, by the end of the year I’d like to see friends renewing their health and feeling born again physically! I want you to feel the regeneration I have felt since last January. I don’t feel like a person of ill health, I feel the best I have in my life. Still a way to go but you’re all with me; we can do this together! 

Today I’m going to talk about faith. Now don’t go running away because you’re a non-believer, I have something for everyone, I don’t want you to be left behind. I want you healthy! The only way to become healthy is to have faith. While my faith is based solely on God, yours might be tied to a Higher Power, Mother Nature, the Universe or a spirit realm, whatever you hold to be bigger than you at times of doubt and fear, now is the time to turn and hold on for dear life because change is never an easy task to undertake.

Task, you might say, YES! You have to work for anything you want in life and if you don’t want to be sick and at the doctors all the time, now is the time for CHANGE! It looks to me like we live in a world of people who are content, content with being overweight, settled in their ugly habits of overindulging, regretting mistakes but not knowing where to begin. I’m here to tell you that faith is where you begin.

When people feel disgruntled they immediately look for a comfort food. When someone has hurt feelings they hide behind the mask of feel-good eating and drinking. They don’t try and resolve the problems of being hurt, shamed, or ridiculed they turn to something to make them feel not so bad, and food is usually the go-to culprit. For me I didn’t turn to food, I turned to drugs and alcohol but later learned to trust more in God and my inner self than an outside physical feel good vice. I don’t know if I’ve ever come right out and told you all this but I was bullied as a kid. I’m a survivor of being excruciatingly bullied!

From an early age the name-calling, hair pulling, the punches and being chased down the street, being bullied was my life. Whether it was my sister and brothers doing the bullying or my (non) friends at school who literally pushed me from their circle, I was bullied. I was teased because I was too thin, too pretty, my teeth weren’t aligned right, my clothes were from the ‘cheap’ store, my shoes were worn, my hand-me-downs evident. 

I did overindulge on candy and sweets as a child, maybe that is why I never cared much for them as an adult. They were vices to hide my pain. Heal the pain the vice is no longer needed. I turned to alcohol and drugs, other vices to hide pain and the more I turned to my faith, I no longer needed those indulgences to get by in life.

With my faith, I overcame my addictions to drugs, alcohol, and sweets. Yes, just with FAITH. Not meds and doctors, not patches and pills, not even vitamins. I thought I was healthy except for my psoriasis, the embarrassing skin affliction of which labeled me as unhealthy. I did have the chronic ailment under control at one time but you add stress and upheaval (divorce) to the mix, your ailments react and resurface.

Then January 25, 2017 hit me with a cannonball to the gut, a disease that was known around the globe as a ‘killer’. While I had lost numerous friends and family to the disease, I didn’t feel that this disease was as devastating as it was made out to be. My faith grew ten sizes too big that day as I was cradled in the arms of the Lord and told that I’d be carried along with my faith. Rely on your faith, the whispers called out. Depend on me and the strength I give you, I heard aloud in my head.

While for a brief moment in time I felt scared, I had to rely on my faith to shake any fears. Faith has never let me down once in my life, why would it now, because the odds are against me? When I was young and being bullied I felt helpless until my faith carried me through. This was not unlike those times being bullied as a child, the doctors were trying to bully me into submission but these were adult bullies. I, as an adult, have the ability to fight back. With my faith intact, I mounted an army of angels that would whisk my fear, doubt, and pains away. Almost instantly, once I moved the bully mountain, God's Light shone through and carried me once again.

Matt. 21:21 “Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.”

Your faith is your strongest asset in life. Faith being the belief in the unseen, whatever that means to YOU! Use it, trust it, and listen to the inner voice. Faith will do all the fighting for you, you just have to trust and obey. Obeying is the hard part because it is essentially giving your life over to something bigger than you that you can’t control. YOU, my friend, are never in the driver seat, you’re a passenger along for the ride of life. This gift is yours to take care of, not destroy. Your HEALTH is the gift and new batteries to regenerate you are needed if you’ve ‘let yourself go’. Have faith that you can overcome the obstacles in your way; EARNEST faith, not a passive faith. I may need to do another post on faith… it is THAT important to your HEALTH!

Matt. 9:21-22 “For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole. But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.”

A New Year

Psalms 116:8 “For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.”

A New Year

Winning! Victory! Health! Out with the old in with the NEW! 

This New Year is going to be all about health and what the mind can do to help you organize a mindset of winning, for your health. Healthy living is hard. Expensive? If you’re sitting there with cable television, internet, a new iPhone and other gadgets, is your internet use more important than your health? You say you can’t afford healthy food but again, there you sit with gadgets out the gazoo that you pay monthly for upkeep but why isn’t your health worth the same upkeep?

Then I see people trying to navigate their health with supplements. When this disease hit me I turned into a research guru on health and am certainly more knowledgeable than I was a year ago. 

Your health cannot be obtained by supplements and this year my journey is all about healing and health. This year isn’t about a disease or illness. It isn’t about how bad I’m doing, this year is about how GOOD I am doing! Not many people want to know about healthy living but if you do, join me on my journey.

You might be asking yourself where does my strength come from. I hope you know me well enough to know but if you don’t and want in on my little secret, again, join me on this wondrous journey of health and healing!

Many people are amazed at my willpower and I myself am kinda shocked at the will I have to want to remain alive and healthy. I assumed everyone was like me but as I’ve seen my husband struggle with giving up this or that I realized that not everyone has my iron strength. Don’t think this as me stroking my ego because I’ve said numerous times I don’t know where it comes from but I have a clue.

As the New Year unfolds and people are making fake resolutions that they know full well they’ll break in a month, try giving up something on a smaller scale. Not as a resolution to break but as a victory to gain your health! Make it a goal to finish by years end instead of in one night of wanting and wishing. This year I challenge you, strive to give up three things: sugar, dairy, flour/grains. I myself have given up these three things and more, like meat, unhealthy carbs, and toxic living.

My strength comes from what I think is a culmination of multiple things put together. Think of a brick, alone, it is just a brick but where two or three are gathered it becomes a protective wall one that the Wolf in The Three Pigs doesn’t easily huff and puff and blow down. So when asked where mine comes from I have to say, there is strength in the number of bricks I use.

Number one is faith. Walking a fine line between doubt and faith will not work. God was right, man cannot serve two masters. You either walk strong in your faith or you walk a line of doubt. Minimal faith doesn’t cut it when your life is on the line. Take the word ‘but’ out of your vocabulary. I ‘think’ I can do it with God, ‘but’. There it is, the fine line of doubt! Get it right to find success.

The second bit of strength I find is in support. If you don’t have support, anything you try, you will fail. When I was first diagnosed and told my friends I was going the holistic route and trusting in God and my faith, some were in shock and fled, others were extremely opinionated while others moved in closer to give me their full support. Unload the non-supporting crowd, they are not worth having in the first place.

The third portion of my strength is DETERMINATION! When you want to quit drinking, smoking, to lose weight and become healthy you MUST be determined to succeed! Have you ever taken diet pills to lose weight and they didn’t work? It’s because you thought the pill would do all the work for you. That’s not how it works. Your determination is the WORK you yourself put into your eventual victory.

Number four is CHANGE! To become healthy, lose weight, quit drinking or smoking you must change! Change your diet, change your habits, change your routines. To SAVE your LIFE, CHANGE your life! In the beginning, my husband was an obstruction but to me I saw it as a challenge. When he reached for a smoke, I took a walk. When he reached for a Pepsi I refilled my glass of water. When he ate candy I ate fruit! Over time, the weight melted off like butter in the sun and I felt healthy and the best I've ever felt in my entire life. I started feeling better, eating better and living better. Guess what happened? I was having an influence on my hubby and others. In just two months he has given up sugar and is actively changing!

His health is changing, his weight is changing and this wasn’t because he made a resolution in the New Year it’s because he was determined to stay alive! Isn’t that what we are all striving for? In the coming year, the majority of my posts will be about health, eating right, exercise, strength and determination! I might even toss in a few recipes. Live or die!  I wish someone had said that to me more bluntly in my early years, maybe I wouldn’t have shrugged off healthy living for the lusts of the flesh. A Happy, Healthy New Year to you! 

Gal. 5:16-17 “This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.”

Poetry Sunday ~ Christmas' Past

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Gal. 4:10 "Ye observe days, and months, and times, and years."

This will be my last post of the roller-coaster ride I call 2017! Not a great year but an enlightening year where God felt I was worthy to receive a second chance at life. So many lives were taken this year and here I am with a new lease. Thank you, Lord.

I'm sharing the last poem I wrote in 2017, not a great one but a card to my mother who still mourns for her husband of sixty years. I try to make them simple and not sad for her.

May you all have a Happy, Blessed New Year in 2018!

Merry Christmas

12-12-2017

I fondly remember Christmas past

The steps, the lights, the peace

Our laughter filling up the house

The memories that I release.

My Christmas’ of the present

No longer hold the past

They stay behind as memories

That never seems to last.

Our future is uncertain

Never knowing where we’ll roam

The joy of Christmas present

Is in the place that you call home.

Home is neither here nor there

It’s a place with which I start

To feel the love nestled close

Endearing to my heart.

2 Pet. 3:8 "But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day."

Quotation Saturday: Health in the New Year

Prov. 16:24 “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.”

My year will be defined by this one word, HEALTH! 

HEALTH

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” 
― Hippocrates

“Healthy citizens are the greatest asset any country can have.” 
― Winston S. Churchill

“The doctor of the future will be oneself.” 
― Albert Schweitzer 

“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” 
― Lao Tzu

NUTRITION

“While it is true that many people simply can't afford to pay more for food, either in money or time or both, many more of us can. After all, just in the last decade or two we've somehow found the time in the day to spend several hours on the internet and the money in the budget not only to pay for broadband service, but to cover a second phone bill and a new monthly bill for television, formerly free. For the majority of Americans, spending more for better food is less a matter of ability than priority. 
~ Michael Pollan, In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto

“About eighty percent of the food on shelves of supermarkets today didn't exist 100 years ago.” 
― Larry McCleary, Feed Your Brain, Lose Your Belly: Experience Dynamic Weight Loss with the Brain-Belly Connection

“The healthy man is the thin man. But you don’t need to go hungry for it: Remove the flours, starches and sugars; that’s all.” 
― Samael Aun Weor

“Eating healthy nutritious food is the simple and right solution to get rid of excess body weight effortlessly and become slim and healthy forever.” 
― Subodh Gupta

PRIORITY

“Life is short. Focus on what really matters most; you should change your priorities over time.” 
― Roy T. Bennett

“Despite how utterly massive they might be, it is never the size of the arsenal nor the strength of the warrior. Rather, it is a heart bent on sacrifice that is the most potent weapon of all.” 
― Craig D. Lounsbrough

“The needs of the people around you should be your utmost priority” 
― Sunday Adelaja

“Make eating healthy a priority and you will find living life more enjoyable!”
- Joni Zipp

RESOLUTION

“I will be generous with my love today. I will sprinkle compliments and uplifting words everywhere I go. I will do this knowing that my words are like seeds and when they fall on fertile soil, a reflection of those seeds will grow into something greater.” 
― Steve Maraboli

“Don't destroy yourself by allowing negative people to add gibberish and debris to your character, reputation, and aspirations. Keep all dreams alive but discreet, so that those with unhealthy tongues won't have any other option than to infest themselves with their own diseases.” 
― Michael Bassey Johnson

“Resolve, and thou art free.” 
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival.” 
― Winston S. Churchill

PAST

“It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one.” 
― George Harrison

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” 
― Gautama Buddha

“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.” 
― Rick Warren

"The present is clay, shape it. The past is excess waste, toss it away. The future holds tomorrow, make it your own victory!"
~ Joni Zipp

NEW YEAR

“Hope
Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 
Whispering 'it will be happier'...” 
― Alfred Tennyson

“For last year's words belong to last year's language 
And next year's words await another voice.” 
― T.S. Eliot

“May Light always surround you;
Hope kindle and rebound you.
May your Hurts turn to Healing;
Your Heart embrace Feeling.
May Wounds become Wisdom;
Every Kindness a Prism.
May Laughter infect you;
Your Passion resurrect you.
May Goodness inspire 
your Deepest Desires.
Through all that you Reach For, 
May your arms Never Tire.” 
― D. Simone

"January 1st is the flipping of the calendar year to me, a new month to mark the triumphs in little boxes for the next twelve months. Happy New Year? Of course, I’d never wish anyone an unhappy New Year!" 
~ Joni Zipp

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End of the Year: Part III

Rom. 13:13-14 “Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying.

But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.”

End of the Year: Part III

Polar opposites. That is the only term I can come up with when I think of my family and my hubby’s family. My hubby’s dad passed away when he was twenty-five and he basically didn’t have a dad for many of those years because of a divorce of his mom and dad, but let me tell you, his family is simply amazing in their endurance of togetherness.

His great-grandparents and grandparents (on his mother’s side) were the pillars that set the stage for the future generations to come. They were deeply rooted in the love of the Lord and handed down that passion for ages to come. No not all of the family watered and nurtured the seed that was planted so long ago, but when I came into the family I could FEEL a difference in our polar opposites.

My great grandparents handed down alcoholism to the generations. Now while my hubby’s dad was a drinker, alcoholism never had a chance to define the children because the mother was so rooted in her dedication to the Lord. What the children do with the seed is totally up to them, they have free will to pick and choose where the next generation will take the family.

My family on the other hand, for generations, was defined by alcohol. I’m not talking about casual drinkers now; I’m talking about generations of alcoholics. My great-grandmother, my grandparents (on both sides from what I can tell) were very heavy drinkers, and all their kids and their kids' kids, all became drinkers or alcoholics. That was and IS my family except for the scarce few who peeled themselves AWAY from the family to become what they could on their own, like myself. I’m a survivor from way back.

Drugs and alcohol defined my life when I was very young and it was only the Hand of God that guided me in a different direction. Not my mother or father or my sister or brothers showed me a different way to live but I was determined to NOT  be like them or raise my child to grow and be a drinker. I would give him a window into the past but offer him a promise of a future, away from alcoholics.

Now many people wonder where I get my strength to battle this disease without the aid and assistance of a doctor and I can honestly tell you it is once again by the Hand of God that guides me. Live or die, my God is the guide on this long journey; always has been and always will be! I was not raised in a family that loved the Lord, we kids were basically tossed into a Catholic school and made to defend ourselves and find what we could on our own. I found God waiting to cradle me daily in life. I can’t say other members of my family were as lucky. I converted from (religious) Catholicism to (spiritual) Christianity very easily and it is the seed of the Lord that defines who I am and who I am yet to become.

You might be wondering why this is my End of the Year post? Well because on Christmas Day, the family embraced me, hugged me, allowed me to feel the love that carried them all of their lives. I feel nothing but love shining from this family. They are not perfect but to me, this is as close to perfect that I will ever see. The Mid-West farmland, the Bible belt is definitely a different place than an industrialized smoggy city like the one where I came from. Pure love is the best love here! With no ulterior motive behind the love, it becomes a blanket not much unlike the snow-covered ground. It’s a barrier of protection to the seeds below.

My blood family, on the other hand, is still continuing on the path of lies and deception. I can’t elaborate because it's not my story to tell. On Christmas Eve I went to my family FB account and wished them all a Merry Christmas, I went back the day after Christmas and not one Merry Christmas back. My family is so consumed with their selfishness, their money, their blindness that they cannot see any real love right in front of their faces except for the false products of the fabricated family that they built.

Pss. 4:2 “O ye sons of men, how long will ye turn my glory into shame? how long will ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? Selah.”

Christmas morning I called my mother to wish her a Merry Christmas and to have a good day. Later that evening I called to see how her day went. All she could talk about was how she had a good meal at my brother’s beautiful house and how she went to my sister’s and there sat my meth-head brother who is now taking advantage of my sister’s kindness in keeping him out of the frigid cold and how my other brother didn’t even send her a card and blah blah blah. Yeah, she didn’t ask how my day was and probably doesn’t want to hear how great of a family I have found and been a part of for fifteen years. 

While I sometimes miss back home, all that I really miss are the memories and to be blunt, I have them, and my story safely tucked inside my head; I don’t miss the love because my family does not know what genuine love is. I pray for them, that is all I can do. I journey on into my future that awaits me, in a polar opposite world surrounded by the path of where I was led and that is the path of LOVE! THAT, my friends, is where I find my strength! 

Pss. 18:1 “I will love thee, O LORD, my strength.” 

Year's End Part II

Amos 8:11 “Behold, the days come, saith the Lord GOD, that I will send a famine in the land, not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but of hearing the words of the LORD:”

End of the Year part II

Since I had such a nice Christmas and this year is worth a couple of End of Year posts I thought I’d relay the joyous season that rolled out like a red carpet for me and welcomed me on Christmas day.

The build-up to the day was nice, not too extravagant never an overabundance of spending, just another ‘spend what you have’ kind of Christmas. We’ve never been the type to go into debt to celebrate Christmas day; we’re the kind of people that if we don’t have the money to buy it, we don’t need it, and that has always worked. We never wake up after Christmas and say, ‘What did we do? How will we ever repay all this debt?’ I imagine a lot of folks do that but we’re not that type. Never have been and I don’t imagine we ever will be.

Luckily I have a dear friend and a loving niece who donated to me and it purchased my end of year vitamins and what a blessing that was, to know I’d have a couple more months of vitamins to welcome me into the New Year. Thank you, you know who you are and to me, a hidden blessing is a major blessing in MY life! 

The Christmastime weather was right out of a storybook. On Christmas Eve eve the temps dipped down to single digits and flurries began falling from the sky, they didn’t seem to stop! Both my guys had to work and the light fluffy snow didn’t hinder their drives on that night so I was content to head into Christmas Eve where they both had the days off. That was a gift in and of itself, and a white Christmas was unfolding with three to five inches of snow already on the ground at bedtime.

When I arose Christmas Eve the three to five inches of predicted snow was layed out right before my eyes! Light, fluffy, sweepable snow! The temps were still in the single digits but for some reason the blanket of snow made it feel cozy as the hour of sweeping passed by quite quickly. With my clothes layered, earmuffs intact, mittens to somewhat keep my fingers warm, the ‘play’ in the snow was seasonal. It’s here you must embrace it kind of snowfall.

I was kind of antsy thinking about the impending ‘family get-together’ but as usual, the tension subsided the closer the day came. While my illness is not open for discussion except on a more personal level (one-on-one) I knew at the family gathering it would just be chatter and laughter.

Our aunt who was scheduled to come down from South Dakota had to cancel her trip because not only did we get covered in snow, S. Dakota was hit too and she was staying safe. I believe she is eighty years old and yes, she still drives down here to Nebraska to visit her family on holidays, but the snow would halt her visit, this time. She was really missed too because she’s the cherubic beauty that bakes little loaves of banana, cherry, and spice bread for the family. She was missed for her spreading of love and cheer too but I was looking forward to her bread! 

Christmas morning arrived and everyone was safe who had to be. We were nestled in our warm home in the morning, gathered around the tree exchanging gifts. With the tree lit, our hands shuffled with a ‘here, open this!’ kind of excitement. I always cherish this time with my husband and son, because in that moment, the world evaporates and it is just us and love and that to me is what the holiday is all about. 

I won’t go on and on about the gifts I received because I’m not a braggart but I will say that I did receive my Grace Vanderwaal CD and wrist weights for my power walks, and Adam gave me a wonderful set of artistic colored pencils and an adult coloring book of horses! Oh the joy and excitement of Christmas morning.

I had wished my virtual family a Merry Christmas on Christmas Eve as I knew that Facebook would not be entered on Christmas Day. I do have priorities set and FB and Christmas aren’t one of them. After the gift exchange and listening to the CD, I called my mother back home and wished her the merriest of days. She did pretty well leading up to the day, remembering my dad but not with mournful cries but with lovingly missing him and trying to be the strong woman I know her to be. That was the only family from back home I heard from on Christmas.

It was a cold, blustery day and as we sat with the family in front of a big picturesque window; the flurries began to float to the earth once again. I had forgotten to look at the weather forecast but everyone was saying that they were calling for flurries. An hour or two passed and the flurries were still falling but more speedily and my anxiety grew. I don’t like driving in snow. Icy roads and swerving cars are not my cup of tea if they can be anyones.

By four o’clock I was pleading to go home. My chest hurts when anxiety is tense and I could feel the pain for quite awhile but told no one as not to ruin what a great Christmas everyone was having. Without being too graphic, my chest hurts where my illness resides. 

The drive home to me, was treacherous, even though I wasn’t doing the driving. The falling snow was intense with less than a mile visibility, and whiteout conditions were present on this two-lane highway. It was frigid-single-digit cold and the snow so fluffy that there wasn’t really much ‘sliding around’ but hubby was being cautious. Cars were speeding around us well above the sixty-five miles per hour speed limit because you know that there is NOTHING more important than getting to a destination, not even LIFE! It’s all about me, me, me on the roads, snow, ice or rain, it doesn’t matter!

We made it home safely and it took hours before my chest stopped hurting. We settled into a precious movie, ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ (how fitting) and we sat and enjoyed the rest of the evening. I think I was so relaxed I slept through the first thirty minutes of the movie. My second call to my mother made the tension rise again but I was not allowing it to ruin a perfect Christmas Day! As the year ends…my days are being spent relishing my year, and cleaning up what is going to be known as the Christmas of 2017!

Year's End

2 Cor. 4:16 “For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.”

The Year's End

I look at the calendar and see December 27, my son’s 22 birthday, and I have to wonder where all of the other the months this year went. I feel like I feathered through the pages of the calendar and landed here in December with no fill in for the in between. You know, you’re given a life-altering diagnosis and something in your life is supposed to change right? You make or complete a bucket list, family surrounds you and supports you, you strive to live every last second of the years of your life you have left.

That didn’t happen to me. I altered my daily eating habits, I changed my physical activities to include walks and stationary bike rides and I do more cleaning, more writing, but that’s about it. The outside world exists only when I force myself to go out and place myself in this seemingly mechanical robotic world we live in.

One day I’m sitting in the doctor’s office being poked and prodded, the calendar saying January 25th, then I’m sitting under an eclipsed sun and it says August 21st, then I blink and now it is the 27th of December.

I’m sure all of you have had a significant year where you took scenic trips, relished family memories, ate delicious toxic food and wonder where all the weight came from that you’ve added. Me, I’m wondering where in the world I hid forty pounds that I lost. My mother in law just said to me on Christmas, that she didn’t know I had forty pounds to lose because I always looked great. I guess looking great and actually BEING great are two different things. Shrinking from a size seven to a size three is forty pounds. Now I have no clothes that fit, again.

While I may have lost weight I feel like I’ve aged ten years. It’s kind of weird and nothing I do can change that portion of my year. I did have a nice Christmas and that meant a lot to me. The enormous amount of food did overwhelm me but I stayed focused on my macaroni salad. Macaroni salad, you ask? Well yes. Back home our Christmas’ always had my great-grandmother’s secret family recipe for macaroni salad and potato salad, and my mother always had pork, sauerkraut, and kielbasa simmering in the slow cooker. 

When my German great-grandparents (my dad’s grandparents) came here to America not too long ago, they brought with them recipes to hand down to the family. My mother actually made the recipes the best and my aunt’s always envied how she made it just like their grandmother! They tried to duplicate the recipe to no avail. I was always by my mothers’ side when she made the salads so I basically knew what she did that made it so special. She says my niece has acquired the ability to reproduce her salad but sometimes misses an ingredient but the similar taste is still there. 

I don’t make her potato salad because I don’t really like potatoes but the macaroni salad I made last year for my son and hubby was back-home delicious so much so, it took me back home for a moment when savoring every bite. When I thought about facing Christmas day surrounded by food and family I mentioned that if I could make my mother’s macaroni salad, I would have that one cheat to eat, relishing the taste and my surroundings would melt into the background. My husband, loving the salad, had no problem with my request!

I have never shared my salad with this family and his brother makes some good tasty food himself. I felt the two pounds of macaroni was too much so I saved me a small bowl for home and took the rest thinking it would go untouched because of all of the food my bro-in-law made. Amid the turkey, ham, dressing, cranberry sauce, string bean casserole and a host of other stuff sat my macaroni salad. 

Holding my plate in my hand I loaded up on macaroni salad and two deviled eggs that my hubby made. No one knew that they were organic eggs. I went and sat at the table surrounded by family and ate, after prayers of course. This family actually prays before meals, something I never knew in my life before coming to Nebraska. 

After the forks began scraping the plates I could hear the low murmur of ‘mmmm’s’ circling the table. I thought they were agreeing with how good my bro-in-law’s food was but then it came out, “This macaroni salad is delicious!” 

I think I blushed, “My macaroni salad?” 

Out of ten people there, only one didn’t like the salad and that was because he had eaten a pepperoncini thinking it was a banana pepper and his dinner was ruined by the taste, otherwise, the macaroni salad was a big hit. I had an almost empty bowl to take home with us by the time we left. There was a request to bring it to the Easter dinner and his brother said I could bring that dish again next year! 

If I give them nothing else to remember me by, my old family recipe will linger in their minds and taste buds for years to come. I’m sure my laughter and personality will be sweet reminders also, but I can say what made my year was sharing a meal from back home, bringing my dysfunctional family close to me while sharing with my new family. 

The only person that I talked to from back home on Christmas day was my mother, everyone else has forgotten about me so this year is the year of release for me. I need to release that family and move forward. The delete button cannot be more prevalent and necessary at this juncture in my life. I’ll continue on in my hermetic lifestyle isolating myself and living for me, hubby and my son, and…my macaroni salad once or twice a year! What a nice way to end the year!

To Adam, my bud

I'm posting this on July 23, 2018

They just need to be out here in the cosmos if for no other reason but to be here for you at a later day. I love you!

Where do I begin? With the joyous day you were born or the day I ripped you away from the only home you ever knew and the only family that you knew?

Pop and grandmom

I saw that your life would have been traumatized had I stayed and in protecting you and thinking of myself, I took us both away. I didn't know if it was going to be for the best or would it be the worse thing that ever happened. I look back now and know it was for the best.

I want to ask you for your forgiveness for thinking of myself and not thinking how a strange man would understand the child you were at seven. He tried, he really did but he could only give what he knew. Having a father abandon him when he was young left him with not much knowledge of fathering. I'm sorry about that. We both did the best we could for you and although we've had trying times, you had the best life I could give you.

Happiest day of my life

Seeing you graduate high school was a highlight of my life! I was so proud of you that day. I knew I had done the right thing in letting you grow to be your own man. Sure, I made mistakes, but with all of those mistakes, it made us both stronger for it!

I was also pretty proud the day you got your driving license. I know it wasn't at the age of sixteen like all of the other kids out here in Nebraska, but we've already established, you're not like all of the other kids! You are unique! A one of a kind special boy, man person! I love this person, my friend, with all of my heart and soul!

If I'm not here for you, for the rest of your life, to see your wedding and to possibly see when you 'get you a kid', lol, my presence will be felt for your lifetime. Maybe not the physical mother you want and need but believe me, talk to me and I'll listen. It may be a new and different spiritual relationship but it is what it is! You stood by me through this whole wretched illness and never judged my decision to die... in peace by my choice and not some doctor who WANTS to kill me. Thank you so much for being a great friend to me! A great one! You always listened!

I am so proud of you, Adam! Don't ever forget that or ever think you could've/should've done more! You were there for me when so many others weren't, always remember that! Remember that love that you and I share! Forever! I LOVE YOU! Go and live life to the fullest! See where it takes you. You're a good man! You're worthy to be loved! You earned a special blessing!

We had good times!

Now onto my preaching part. lol One thing that will make me extremely happy is you believing in God. You know, the same God I believe in. You don't have to be one of those ever so perfect religious Christians we always talked about, I'd like you to be a Christian like *I* was. A laid-back believer. You never judged me in all my years of trying to instill God into your life. I believe I achieved what I set out to do when raising you and that is allowing you to believe, to form, to love what YOU see in the world! I love that about you!

Always contemplate the future!

Know that my life was all for you! My God purposed me to create something beautiful and magnificent and what I created is YOU! I will love you for all of eternity! Wipe those tears and move on and LIVE life to the fullest!

Love you, bud!

Your mother!

to better days

2017