The Tunnel Season

Job 6:11 “What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?”

The Tunnel Season

I’m calling this the tunnel season because this is the season of my life I trek through a long dark tunnel. I don’t know if any of you have ever been in an underwater tunnel that gets you from one side of the city to the other side but back home, we had TWO. The Harbor tunnel was a long stretch, dimly lit four-lane tunnel, two lanes in and two out. I remember when I was a kid my mother always dreaded driving through that tunnel as fear and claustrophobia gripped her. She would often choose the route through the congested city to get to my aunt’s house instead of putting herself through the trauma. The tunnel runs 1.45 miles under the Inner Harbor.

When I began this journey of a lifetime back in January, I thought the walk through the tunnel would be difficult but definitely doable. I’m about two or three city blocks into the tunnel and the end is not in sight yet and I’m feeling my own claustrophobia rattle my brain. I chose to walk through the tunnel and not go through the city streets to reach my destination; I chose to take the hard, isolated, lonely way.

You see, to me, the chemo slice and dice method is taking the route through the city. There are benches placed at bus stops for you to rest, there are blinking crosswalk signs to get you safely across the street, there are even garbage cans along the route for you to dump any extra baggage you might be carrying. Me, in the tunnel of solitude, I don’t have those luxuries. I have gas emissions from the cars (toxins) to inhale; I have dim lighting (people for me and against my choice); I’ve chosen to walk the walk as opposed to driving, and thus far, it feels as if I’m walking on my hands.

My life has been turned upside down and there is no dispute about it, this is the challenging route. I’m a quarter of a mile in the tunnel and it seems one of the cars broke down up ahead. It started out an empty tunnel, a car here, a car there but now as I look ahead, I see the backed up cars. This journey isn’t getting any easier or lighter to bear, no this is getting more difficult and heavier than expected. I expected ups and downs, stops and starts, but I wasn’t expecting a traffic jam where everything comes to halt and looks as if the jam is not a jam it’s a crash that emergency crew help is having trouble getting to the scene. They’re not here for me anyway.

I’ve been a little depressed lately as my three illnesses battle each other with each one individually wanting to take front and center. With my arthritis, I have a swelled typing finger and a right knee that is pained feeling what little weight I have left bearing down. My psoriasis gets inflamed with sun exposure and this other crud I’m carrying NEEDS the sun as a vitamin D natural source. Then my neck started in with its seething pain. I believe it to be from sleeping wrong but the pain won’t let up and I’m not willing to take pain medication.

Then the eclipse happened and things took a weird turn. Just weird things started happening and I want to attribute it to the eclipse but the reality is, crud happens. Besides the spectacular orbs in the sky shadowing each other, then there's the echoing posts on Facebook and the other day my trusty laptop stopped connecting to the modem. It’s been fine for eight months but suddenly just stopped working and my tech savvy man is finding it difficult to fix. Then there’s the concern that in January when my vitamin supplements run out, the funds are depleted, I will battle on empty handed. That’s just the way my life is, drag me behind a fast moving car and let’s see if I live. Never a dull moment. This is it. I hope I can climb out of this funk because as it looks right now…it’s gonna be awhile.

Then I feel SO petty with my mundane complaints when thousands are out there struggling through the Storm of the Century, Hurricane Harvey hitting Houston! I pray, I meditate and I cry, all stress that is not doing me any good. 

Everyone pretending to be happy shakes my faith in society as a whole. Now some people are finally starting to see what I’ve been seeing for months now how we are basically under a governing regime. From food, water, to medical needs the government turning a blind eye except where their money is concerned. I am left to wonder…

Thank you to all who stood stoically by my side. And to the ones who don’t give a flying fig but pretend you do…. I got nothing.

Job 7:6 “My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and are spent without hope.”

Total Eclipse of the Soul

Prov. 3: 5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Total Eclipse of the Soul

I wasn’t expecting too much yesterday because weathermen tried to ruin the suspense but I was hoping I would get to see the once in a lifetime total solar eclipse in its totality and let me tell you, it was everything I expected and MORE! I set my lounge chair up outside directing it toward the sun. About ten minutes before the moon began its trek in front of the sun, I posted my blog yesterday. Sloppy as it was I was in a hurry and wasn’t much caring about typos or grammar at that point, I wanted to witness the breathtaking total solar eclipse, the spiritual experience of a lifetime.

I hurried outside, plopped in my chair and the hours passed by like liquid pouring from a cup. My neck has been in a lot of pain this past week, I think from sleeping wrong but yeah a lot of pain for days now. I couldn’t sit in the normal lawn chair, I had to use the one that enabled me to stretch out allowing me and my neck a relaxing position without hurting myself.

I lay there, glasses on and sat watching, waiting, wanting. For some reason, I was expecting something metaphysical to happen because when I watch the stars, the clouds, the leaves, nature, in general, I always have the experience to write about even if it’s meant to be just for me. But yesterday, the eclipse was for millions to witness but would we all see it the same way? Would we all feel that universal connection to the heavens?

My tee shirt logo

Hubby purchased tee shirts a month ago in eager anticipation of what was going to unfold. As the day the eclipse was set to happen, you could feel something brewing in the air even upon waking. Now we’re in no way extravagant, but we felt we needed to mark this day in history by something more significant than a picture. A tee shirt was our little taste of extravagance for the special day. The above pic is mine and my son's workplace provided their own tee's for the occasion. This event is big for Nebraskans.

The entire week leading up to the day had been sunny but forecasters called for this special day to be huddled in clouds. At best the eclipse would be hit or miss. Not expecting anything because of what the weathermen said, I still waited on the Lord to put on a spectacular show; if he can move mountains and part the sea, He certainly can make sure the clouds are moved so that those who needed to see the blazing glory had the chance. 

The temps were in the eighties. the breeze swift and I could feel myself getting a little anxious. Like a teenager anticipating a first date, I awaited my escort to show up. The shadows were playing tricks; dancing silhouettes spun on the ground. The sky looked like a fluorescent light bulb casting shadows in a strange flickering light.

Shadows on the ground minutes before totality

As the moon crept over the sun the sky was slowly becoming the celestial event of a lifetime for me. As it neared totality, the wind ceased. The birds quieted. My husband and I basically were holding our breath. Do you remember the scene from The Ten Commandments movie where Moses is facing the burning bush? He took his shoes off because he was on the Holy ground? That is exactly how I felt as the minutes ticked toward totality, the seconds became the moment, and totality kissed my face, brushing my hair in darkness, whisking my mind to a euphoric high. The sky darkened, the stars briefly appeared, birds silenced as crickets chirred to life.

It happened, the gentle kiss upon arrival, a ring of fire lit 'round the moon. I could see a pinkish light to the right of the moon as if to blush at seeing me. The rest of the circle was a shiny silver plate setting at the King’s castle. Then something happened I wasn’t expecting, tears flowed from my eyes and I bowed my head in the palms of my hands and thanked the Lord for this chance to see His beautiful creation in full splendor. Points of light shone round about like a silent explosion. I bawled my eyes out trying to see all this beauty while fireworks went off in the background twenty miles away in the instant darkness graced the earth. I was basking for a moment in the presence of my Lord.

Totality

While I’m seeing images from around the U.S., some real and some obvious fakes, some over filtered, some raw, there is nothing like actually viewing with your naked eye. Nothing captured what I actually observed with my own eyes, heart, and soul. For a twinkle in time, people stopped, the earth paused in adoration, kids stopped texting and saw the event that would give rise to higher thoughts. My hubby used his eclipse glasses as a shield to click a picture of the total eclipse. He took one with his phone and one with the camera. Me? I was lounging in awe, silently rejoicing in my Lord for the majestic event of the day, looking forward to when we’d meet again. While not everyone was consciously focused on the same thing, I was only focused on Him. Not the sun, not the moon, Him, just Him, the One and Only Son!

Dan. 4:3 “How great are his signs! and how mighty are his wonders! his kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and his dominion is from generation to generation.”

Acts 2:19 “And I will shew wonders in heaven above, and signs in the earth beneath; blood, and fire, and vapour of smoke:”

Interesting...

Once in a lifetime!

It Was Interesting...the visit

We had been invited to our sister-in-laws birthday party. This would be another event of this loving family to get together. With food, love, and laughter the day would celebrate her 50th birthday. The differences with his family as opposed to my family back home in Maryland are polar opposites. My family hated get-togethers and whenever we did have one there was always alcohol, in hindsight, I guess to take off the edge of having to be together.

My new family is all about love! God is in this family so there is no alcohol at get-togethers just food, laughter and hugs and love! What a contrast for me. Since my diagnosis in January left me with slim pickins’ at these events, I chose to just avoid them all together. I did attend a graduation this year but skipped the food afterward and opted for going home. A wedding had me missing the reception because of food. A funeral had me attending the wake but all I ate was string beans.

This year we had already missed the Easter gathering, we missed his sister’s July cookout, too. When this invitation arrived I once again was hesitant in going because I know his brother always has some good food! And the man uses spices! The rest of the family has great food mind you, but to my tastes, coming from back east, I miss the bite it takes to make a meal taste good.

I really don’t want my husband to begin resenting me for this disease. Not that he would but in MY mind, he will. So I overcame my hesitation and told him I’d like to go. He was surprised and excited at the same time because for sure he thought we’d skip this family time, too. 

Hubby had told me his mom would be bringing fruit, non-organic but fruit nonetheless. So at least I knew I’d nibble something. If it’s one thing I realize with this disease and the food available is that it is not always going to be organic. So while I eat non-organic fruits and vegetables, I limit the intake, I scrub and clean them when they’re mine, or I bypass them altogether, but I will allow a nibble or two to fill my mouth. I DO NOT allow toxic meat in my body! No Way! That could ruin everything I’m trying to accomplish here.

We arrived at the house and it was filled with that familiar sights, sound, and smell. The family (mainly hers) gathered together in laughter and the aroma of, what else in the mid-west, pork! Their idea of bar-b-que is b-b-qued pulled pork. I didn’t like pork before this illness so it really has no sway over me. Now the aroma, that’s another thing, I did love bar-b-que so the aroma had my mouth watering as soon as the smell hit my nose!

My sis-in-law said she didn’t even know that they were having a party. Her mom arrived and her hubby made a huge pot of iced tea (sugarless, blah) and she thought hmm…that’s odd, why such a big pot of tea. Then her brothers and sister and nieces came bearing food and she finally was clued into what they were up to. No one likes surprises so this was the easiest way to surprise her without saying SURPRISE!

Everyone started digging into the scrumptious meal. Spoons were clanging, ice was being dropped into cups and the festivities were underway. All the talk was about the impending Eclipse and the parties all around town and the state for that matter. Rumor has it that Harrison Ford is in Alliance, Ne. to view the eclipse and hotels are booked beyond means, more than when we have the Crane passing through. Apparently, Nebraska is the bullseye of the passing of the eclipse.

More on that later, right now this post is about food! I sat and watched as people filled their faces, gobble after gobble of unhealthy fattening foods, pork, pasta, cake, deviled eggs, more pasta, pickle wraps and there sat two fruit salads going untouched, and there sat little skinny me.  I rose to my feet, got me a plate and filled it with fruit! Strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, kiwi, pineapple, cantaloupe and more, I was in fruit heaven, for sure!

After everyone was just about done, I saw two of the big guys get up and dig into the fruit. A small plate considering the hefty plates they had just finished. The conversation between his, brother, sister, mother and I was about food. They were like, “Why can’t we just eat what we want?” Not directed at me, directed at weight gain in general. I said, “You CAN eat what you want, we all do.” The reply… “Yeah but without the weight gain.” I said, “Oh. I get it, you want to win a million dollars without buying a ticket?” chucklechucklechuckle, agreement all around.

That’s not how it goes people. EAT all you want but know, you HAVE to PAY for whatever you put in your mouth!  

Gotta run… Eclipse time! God bless us all!

Luke 21:25-28 And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken.And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh.

Illness Knows No Bounds

Pss. 67:2 "That thy way may be known upon earth, thy saving health among all nations."

Even the Healthy Get Sick

I just read an article about a young woman age thirty-two who was a vegan, health nut, she exercised daily, non-smoker in her prime, and she has stage four lung cancer.

I pretty much know how I contracted this disease, and knowing is part of the healing. But this young lady has no idea. She was doing everything right and yet, she was still hit by this disease.

To me, this is proof of the toxic world we live in. She ate the right foods, more than likely non-organic because organic is more or less a new thing. She didn’t smoke but was an avid jogger. I imagine the toxins she inhaled jogging daily was worse than smoking five packs of cigarettes a day. She washed her hair, probably dyed it too, she used deodorant and soap put out with chemicals in them. Then she probably drank water either toxic faucet water or water in a plastic bottle. All toxic.

When we think we’re doing the best we can for our health, we’re smacked with the truth that no, we are not doing everything that needs to be done to stay alive. We are not vigilant enough when it comes to our health. We’re vigilant when it comes to posting on Facebook, we’re active when something happens in our nation, we throw our support behind the wrongs and right of society but our health? That takes a back burner while we’re looking the other way, the wolf is sneaking into the den.

We have defiled God’s plan for man and beast!

Psalms 104:14 “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth;”

Did you read that scripture? At one time, it was the norm for cattle to be raised on grass, herbs were the source of medicine, and oils were the tincture they turned to. Now if someone says they eat grass-fed beef, they’re looked at as if they’re not normal. 

I love it when people say, “I’d die before I gave up ______.” Fill in the blank, is it beef, coffee, sugar? What would you die for before you gave it up? Think about that seriously. Because when death taps you on your shoulder like you’re given a life-altering illness, would you still rather die before giving something up? I wouldn’t rather die. I know some of my posts sound otherwise, but honestly, I do want to live and get this, I’ll DIE TRYING to live! How funny is that? (not haha, ironic)

I’m sure some of you understand the gamut of emotions I must go through in a day, a week or a month but the emotions don’t cling to me and shape my healing. I write about them good or bad, express the inner turmoil, have people nodding their head in agreement because they too are doing everything to stay alive. 

Often when I’m feeling my lowest asking the why’s I’m doing what I’m doing, I’m told from the higher ups that these struggles are to attain the home that they have waiting for me. It’s like they saved me a spot and they want to make sure I get there, but I need to run the race first.

We’re all in this race together. It’s like running a marathon; some are slow, some are fast, some drop out mid way, some collapse from exhaustion but there are a FEW who make the million-mile stretch to the end!

1 Cor. 9:24 “Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.”

The Lord doesn’t ask us to give him half of our self, He’d like it if we gave it our all and submitted all of our self. I can’t hammer this truth home hard enough, our bodies are a temple, we should move full steam ahead in treating it as such. Why do we treat infants with gentle loving care? Because they are precious! Why do we tend our gardens with such intimate grace? Because more times than not our gardens are taking care of US! So why would you treat your body any different? Why are your health and life not as precious as an infant or a garden? Let me tell you, IT IS!! Treat it as such and you too will win this race before us. 

1 Cor. 6:19 “What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?”

They'll Never Know

Gen. 18:21 “I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.”

They’ll Never Know

They’ll never know the loneliness I felt, the emptiness that resided in me. They did nothing and could have done everything. They left me, isolated and alone, out in the pastures of life.

They’ll never know the hours I spent staring out the window, chasing birds with my mind wanting to fly away from the very sedentary life I live. I wanted to live but no one, nothing gave me options, they left me alone.

I am the plague that they fear catching. The disease that they’d rather keep away from their life; the very fear that festers inside of them that they’ll one day have to face alone. It’s no fun this solitude that haunts my mind. It saddens me to think I will die and they’ll never know of my life, my real life.

They’ll see the pictures I painted for them, the fragments as breadcrumbs dropped on the ground for them to follow. They’ll never find the real source of my pain because it is dwelling in them, they’ll never know. They’ll never know that the picture is false; the painter is never the painting it is just an expression of what they see. I am the artist creating an illusion of a world you’ll believe. I am the game endlessly played never to be won. I am your addiction, the one thing you need to be real.

Deep down I am the smear, the painting went wrong, the mistakes you’ll never see. I am the routine never to be broken. I am the vase sitting on the shelf with no flowers. I am the desert, dry and never to be rained upon. The hour never to be changed, the life day in and day out staring into a windowed world sharing a love for people I’ll never meet, a spiritual family that deeply cared from afar.

They’ll never know the turmoil I faced. They’ll think I was strong because I never allowed the shards of glass to cut them open. I only allowed the brokenness to shut me down to leave me vulnerable to what it is that surrounds me in my physical world. Alone, I am alone and pained by my surroundings. 

They’ll live thinking they did everything and knowing they did absolutely nothing. They’ll never know I was used, abused and diffused; a live wire with no connection to sustain the energy that thrives within me. I loved too hard, I shined too bright, and I was everything they were not nor ever could be.

There can be no healing as long as I’m demeaned, pushed down into the box and smothered. I spring forward like a jack-in-the-box daily with my polka-dot suit and painted smile I show everyone what they want to see. I make them smile waxing nostalgic over the times of their youth when they cranked the music and watched as the toy came bouncing into life. They never saw the real me, they’ll never know.

The blood, they claimed to love but they’ll never know that it was only I who loved and they shed me like dry skin to be swept away from the scene. I became the disease that they dreaded to see; they dared not look at. They went on in their fantasy playing charades and showing the world their imagined perfect life. They lived while I died, but they’ll never know.

To sum it all up, I was flourishing in the warmth of the sun, growing and turning towards the sunlight as the orb drifted overhead and I carried the rays like a candle into the night to show me the way. Then one day in all my splendor I was mowed over, severed and left in mere rubble, kicked about and wiped off the bottom of the shoe, I was done. To them I am nothing, to me I am all, to Him I am worthy. I am everything. In their obscured selfish bliss, they’ll never know.

Who are they? They are the ones who sat in their passive state and said they cared. They are the ones who did nothing as my body slowly withered and decayed. They are the ones who afterward wondered what they didn’t do carrying guilt like a different handbag of the week. They are the ones who went on, to live, to breathe. They know who they are but then again, they’ll never really know.

Ezek. 39:8 “Behold, it is come, and it is done, saith the Lord GOD; this is the day whereof I have spoken.”

Poetry Sunday ~ Destiny

Job 30:18 “By the great force of my disease is my garment changed: it bindeth me about as the collar of my coat.”

Destiny

I had a taste 

Of a blissful life

Upon my face in 

This wondrous place

I had a chance

For the ultimate 

Stance with a 

Whimsical romance

I had a choice

The silent whisper

Of a voice, too soft

To hear through noise

I had a dream 

So it would seem

Took to the sky

On a radiant moonbeam

Where are the years

I can never get back

I’m losing track 

fell through a crack 

Tomorrow climbs

The ladder it finds

Shards of glass

Through changing times

It was meant to be

My destiny

A part of me all I see

Fly away on wings so free

Defining Moments

Job 30:18 “By the great force of my disease is my garment changed: it bindeth me about as the collar of my coat.”

Defining Moments

I will not allow an illness to define me. I will not allow the world to shape me and I can’t let people define the most intimate moments of my life. I’ve been taking a sort of break this week allowing my thoughts to be moved forward in a rush to the raging waterfall where they can be forced over the edge and led out to sea.

It seems the rabid heat wave of July has come to an end. This is where I mention once again that Nebraska has had an extremely mild summer give or take a couple of weeks in the lower nineties and a week in the upper nineties, with sporadic rain and nary a storm. Cool air crept in like the baby raccoons invading the property just moseying around to see what they can get into. The welcome cooler temps filled the night air and we rarely got above seventy in the evenings then the beautiful seventies temperatures arrived in our daytime hours beginning August first.

My defining summer moments have been shaped by a garden I didn’t plant but turned out beautiful anyway, new chores that have fallen on my lap because my son who used to do them got a full-time job, and then there’s the full-time employment that my son anxiously needed and received.  

I think 2017 will be a host of defining moments for me and the year isn’t even close to being over. Changes that are taking place, lifestyles uprooted, routines broken like the once fragile eggs that they were. Life is all about changes; I think it’s a matter of how you handle each set of circumstances tossed at you. You either catch the water balloon or allow it to shatter, splashing water all over your face.

Relieving stress and toxins has been one of the hardest of my defining moments year. Giving up sugar, processed food, meat, dairy was easy compared to the stress that haunts the days. While prayer and meditation work amazing wonders, wandering in to read my mail or visit facebook drown all of my meditative work. 

I think I failed big time as a parent and without going into detail because my son is very private, I’ll try and leave it at that. My son suffers from anxiety and depression and I’m the one holding the bag to his outlet of emotional outbursts. Then there is me, realizing my failure, and the need to let him go and shape his own future. It is stress I need to be gone if ever I am to heal from this dastardly disease.

A ray of hope shined momentarily when my neighbor moved from the trailer he lived in for six years. I got a little over excited thinking my son could rent the place. Boy, visions of a peace-filled transition washed over me but were slowly diminished by further inspection of the place. The place needs a lot of work and my landlord hasn’t gotten back to me on whether he is willing to do the much-needed maintenance of the place. By law, I believe he has to take care of them, but out here in the middle of nowhere, there is no law. I’m not willing to risk losing our very affordable housing (a house not a trailer) to push for mandatory maintenance so my son can get out of the house.

So, I continue in a toxic environment trying to heal what has been a life-altering diagnosis and has become a most notable defining moment in my life thus far. I never thought of my husband and son as the toxins that need to be remedied in my life but here I am the medium between two toxic people and trying to heal a toxic illness. 

I sit here and watch my husbands’ family move through life. They’re the good Christian family and all that entails in your mind when you think of when you think of a good Christian family. You know, the Leave It To Beaver June Cleaver kind of people? Yeah, when his mom sees my husband she hugs him like she hasn’t seen him for years and you can see all the love pass between the two. My sister-in-law has two kids that blend so well with her husbands’ two kids you’d think they were blood, but no, they’re more than blood siblings, they’re family!

It’s amazing to watch as an outsider city-gal. Sure I married into this great family but I’m out in the middle of nowhere as the Cleaver family moves on in a time-lapse fashion, and I sit here as the observer of two toxic people trying to live under the same roof. It’s an unneeded stress at a time I need no stress to add to my inflammatory body.

I have unmedicated pains many of my days. Not from this illness, from my arthritis and psoriasis. Trying to put bandages on a lifelong illness like psoriasis is not going as I had planned, and my arthritis flare ups keep me in check, wanting to do certain things but unable to just jump into gear. This is an interesting journey, to say the least. I still trudge through the pain, take breaks when needed and am still overwhelmed by simple things like visiting a social media site to visit with my Spiritual Family. Lord knows I've been dealt a raw deal with no REAL family to call my own. I think that's why He placed me here.

On the twenty-fifth of this month, it will have been eight months since I received the diagnosis of this life altering disease. Eight months of no processed food, no sugar, carbs, grains, etc. etc. and I long for the day I can just eat a piece of pizza without worrying that THAT will be my demise. Joni passed due to a slice of pizza! Hey, if I can’t have a sense of humor through all of this, shoot me now! 

My Lord has wrapped His blanketed touch around me for my protection and as the year of defining moment’s speed on, I’m cradled by His love! So if you don’t see me or my name for a couple of days at a time, know that I’m out here struggling to get through the day and always keep me in your prayer. I feel as if it were not for your continued prayers, I might as well pick out my urn now. 

1 Cor. 15:51 “Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed”

Poetry Sunday ~ The Soul's Ascent

Pss. 11: 1 "In the LORD put I my trust: How say ye to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain?"

The Soul's Ascent

I peered up at the towering mount 

That glistened from the snow

Would I reach that velvet cap 

That no one dared to go 

The very tip seems to drift

In a string of pearly lace 

No end in sight for it was hidden

Upon this rocky face 

Burgeoning trees whispered still 

They called within the deep 

Nature would carry my weary legs 

If for my soul to keep 

Every aching step I took

Impelled in me to climb 

A voice was beckoning in my head 

Transcending the sublime 

I walked on faded fury 

As the summit reared its head 

The stones were trembling underfoot 

My essence being fed 

Every time I stumbled about 

My eyes would rise to see

The brilliance of the lemon rays 

Shining down on me

I gasp for air my final steps 

What seems to last for miles 

My bated breath my moistened brow 

Slowly, sweeps the aisles

I let it out a HOWLING yell 

I gaze at the valley below

My echoes resound in empty space 

My soul begins to glow

I reach the powdered summit 

My mind now crystal clear

It's never the journey taken... 

It's relinquishing all you fear!

Our Daily Bread

Matt. 6:11 "Give us this day our daily bread."

Daily Bread of life

Did you know that doctors are legal drug dealers, they are not our bread of life? If you go to a doctor chances are you’re being dealt legal drugs. You think because he/she is a doctor they know what is best for you for certain. I think we blindly walk into the office thinking this man or woman has got the cure our bodies’ desire.

The mind is a powerful essence. Have you ever gone into a doctors office, left with a prescription, got it filled and went home and popped the pill in your mouth? Did you do any research on the dangers of the drug first? Of course you didn’t because you trust that the doctor knows what is best for you. Your mind is conditioned to believe anything a doctor says.

If you watch television, I’m sure you’ve seen the legal drug commercials, you know, the ones telling you they have the cure for cancer, arthritis, MS, depression and a host of other illnesses. It shows a beautiful, thin person, running, jogging, smiling, no sign of pain? Yeah, because she’s on drugs. She is now a drug addict. A legal drug addict but a drug addict nonetheless.

Did you ever listen to the extremely quickly spewed side effects? May cause liver damage, suicidal tendencies, migraines, brain fog, heart palpitations, skin disease and more. This is what the legal drug dealers sell to YOU! You’re fine with it because the person that sold them to you is a doctor and he MUST know what he’s doing right, he wouldn’t basically kill you now, would he?

I, along with you, have seen too many stars die from these legal drugs just to name some from my era, Michael Jackson, Prince, and Robin Williams. I know you’re gonna say that they abused these prescribed drugs but the truth of the matter is, they TRUSTED their doctor, just like you, to cure them of what ailed them. They too did not read of the side effects because they TRUSTED their doctor.

When I was diagnosed with this dreaded disease and they wanted to sell me their product with words like cure, cure, cure, life, life life, do it, live. The words echoed in my mind like a tuning fork. When I very simply, calmly asked for time to think about it, research the drugs, there was marked frustration and anger filling their voices. I’m talking two oncologists, trained doctors whose job it is to heal! The Hippocratic Oath jargon? They don’t heal; they are drug dealers, nothing more. The antagonists went on to say words like non-committal, fear, and death. Yes sir, those are words you want to hear from a doctor. I myself would like to hear words like heal, health, nutrition, but it is not to be so with doctors, the majority of them anyway.

From Wikipedia: “It is often said that the phrase "First do no harm" (Latin: Primum non nocere) is a part of the Hippocratic oath. The phrase as such does not appear in the oath, although the oath does contain Latin: ... noxamvero et maleficium propulsabo (Also ... I will utterly reject harm and mischief). The phrase "primum non nocere" is believed to date from the 17th century (see detailed discussion in the article on the phrase).

The very Oath that a doctor will swear by is to DO NO HARM, yet they prescribe drugs that are basically going to destroy that which God made. I find it kind of ironic that some dentists don’t like to prescribe antibiotics or pain medications. The dentist I went to told me that the body was made in such a way to heal itself, antibiotics can hinder the immune system from doing what it was made to do.

Faced with this illness, research led me to the prescribed antibiotics I took as a child for mononucleosis, tooth loss, infections, and mercury fillings; as a child! Yes, the illnesses and the prescribed drugs have now come back to haunt me.

So as you sit there ingesting drugs on a daily basis, try to think of the illnesses that ARE going to strike you down the road and rest assured they will strike. What is going to be your first line of defense, taking more drugs from the pill pushing doctor? Sure, because you don’t believe that health and nutrition are the actual cures.

Our daily healthy life sustaining bread has been in us all along and we only needed to tap the source to find a healing or a CURE for ANYTHING that ails us! God wasn’t messing around when He created us, He made our systems in such a fashion that we have the ability within us to heal. Granted, we DO need doctors because we’ve ignored the Holy Spirit, the sustaining waters and bread of life, all of our lives and now we need a pacifier to make us feel all better and to shut us up, we’re programmed that way.

Luke 4:4 "And Jesus answered him, saying, It is written, That man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God."

Sometimes I Just Need A Break From...

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

Sometimes I just need a break from…

… the disease

Apparently, it’s the disease ravishing the nation, running rampant through the bodies of millions, dripping from the eyes of everyone who is touched by the disease. Everywhere I turn the stupid word turns up. Cancer is taking over the airwaves more than diabetes, autism, or heart disease, the word is everywhere I look and is the very reason I won’t use it.

You’ll often read from me that I have this ‘crud’, or this disease, and maybe even call it ‘the C’ but rarely do I use the word cancer. Facing this mind-numbing illness by choosing to do everything non-conventionally I can’t help but see the word but I’ll be darned if I use it all the time. I don’t want to use the word out of denial or fear, oh no, I know this illness has me in its grips and is wrestling with the very cells of my being. I don’t use the word because I won’t own this parcel that has taken over my doorstep.

Sometimes I need a break from the disease that has taken over my body and will define the rest of my life partly I need a break because I’m drained from information overload. I wake every day and thank the Lord for giving me one more day and then I begin to write. As a writer, I dig into research before I place one word on my journaling pages and that can be more overwhelming than the diagnosis itself.

It has been six months since I was diagnosed and I have been working on healing myself inside and out. I didn’t allow the oncologist to drill in me their fear tactics of an imminent death sentence because I knew what attacked too many members of my family and it wasn’t the diagnosis that killed well over ten members it was the toxic chemical treatments. 

Research, research, and more research needs to be done for this battle to be won. The crud will not be the end of my journey. I have a rewarding purpose in life and defeat is not in my vocabulary unless I use it to say I am defeating the disheveled cells wreaking havoc on my body. But sometimes I just need a break from…the disease.

I know my extremely supportive friends understand if I don’t write every single day or if I sit silently as I scan my facebook news feed, they’re pretty awesome in understanding me. They tell me often how they could never do what I’m doing, or eat the foods I’m eating or even have the discipline to sacrifice what I do on a daily basis.

When I gave my life over to the Lord at the tender age of fourteen, my life took on a new shape a new meaning and pretty simply put became all about sacrifice. I’ve sacrificed so much over my life span and to me, it is all worth the journey because while many will die a fruitless death and be put into the cold ground to shiver their bones for eternity, I am promised eternal life. That for sure is my driving force as I’ve lived half of my life already.

If we as Christians are willing to sacrifice all for God, why are there many that won’t sacrifice lusts of the world, the cravings of their stomach, the feast of their eyes, the destruction of their souls? Why do they call me extraordinary when I am only doing my duty and being a dedicated servant to the temple entrusted to me to take care of?

Through my strength, I am shining a beacon of hope to those that might not have any. I am a pillar of brazen beauty flourishing in the road of turmoil. I am overcoming obstacles that were once thought impassable. I am showering the world with my faith and everything that holds me during these troubling times. May they see in me the God that I serve, the Spirit that dwells within me. I know my spiritual family will all understand if sometimes I just need a break from… the disease.

Matt. 6:20 “But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:”

Self-Control

Luke 21:19 “In your patience possess ye your souls.”

Self-control

You know, self-control, along with respect has gone clear out the window in society. People have a hard time controlling their tongue, hands and I should say, fingers because that is where most of their bravery comes in to play, tapping on their keyboards.

I had to leave a facebook group recently because the people were vicious! If someone disagrees with their thought, posts, whatever, they lash out and the herds follow suit! This was on a Vegan page or something but it is happening across the boards on many pages. I see a person disagree, then they belittle and demean that person. If a person posts a contradiction to their truth, they basically cyber-bully the person until they leave the group. This is sad.

My point in naming this post self-control is because I’d like you to try and see what you are doing to yourself by eating from the toxic buffet. You are basically bullying your own body into believing what you are sending down into your stomach is good for you.

The mere mention of the word cancer and healing remedies garners opinions, curious or otherwise, people want to know about this dastardly disease and how to ward it off, or fight it here and now. But no one likes the answer. No one has the intense self-control that it takes to ward off the disease or combat the disease. They’ll cross that bridge when they get there.

It has only been six months for me since I was diagnosed and while I’m not schooled in health and nutrition, I’ve come a long way in the knowledge of what works and what doesn’t. Yesterday I ventured into the ‘Healing The C Naturally’ group and told them of the results of my blood test. These women are all going through the exact same thing. It is a ‘closed group’ for the very reason I stated above, there are bullies out there who want to tear you down.

I was afraid to post the results last week because quite frankly I wanted to bask in the good results before someone (from the BC group) said that this was a normal result. Instead, I was met with congratulations and good job, and questions like ‘how did you get your B12 up?’ I wasn’t expecting that, I was expecting them to say it is normal to have normal results like mine so you see, my blood test results were NOT normal for patients of the dreaded C. So I may get to bask a little longer in these promising results. One person did say, "Not to poop on your party, but B12 will be high if you're taking B12 and get tested." My response, "Nothing can poop on my party, these results were more than just about B12." And a big smiley face followed.

I have the strength of Iron Man! The self-control of Super Man and the love and grace of my Almighty God. Those three things are what you need to fight off illness, wrestle with a disease, or utilize in your battle to lose weight. To become healthy you need self-discipline, you need to see that you are worth the effort to stay alive.

I sometimes hit a roadblock, basically when I go to Wall-E World not because of just food but because of the amount of ignorance in people in general; other than that my days are filled with gratitude and appreciation. When I hear people say that they could never do what I’m doing or eat what I’m eating it is only because we are a spoiled, conditioned nation of people who are happy eating unhealthily. They are happy when they look in the mirror, are pleased as punch when they go to the doctors and yet another illness has crept up on them and satisfied living the YOLO life.

If you stand naked in front of the mirror and are not happy with what you see it is time you learned self-control of the unhealthy foods going into your mouth and make yourself worth it to eat the healthy foods. I’m not standing on a high horse here, believe me; I had to give up a lot to be able to tell you this. I agree it sux that I can’t have a big old slice of pizza with all of the fixings. It hurts to not be able to just scarf down whatever food I want. BUT and this is a big but… my BUTT thanks me for the changes! (that was my attempt at a funny.)

In six months I’ve lost thirty-two pounds and if you dare say it’s because I don’t eat, you’d be lying to yourself. I eat very good, very healthy non-toxic food.  That’s the problem, people don’t WANT to eat healthily. People WANT to eat and die happy eating. I have total self-control when it comes to eating and drinking and no I didn’t always eat this way but I like to think I’ve always had self-control and that might be the reason I’ve never been overweight.

I gave up drugs and alcohol, not with any program to help me, I did it with self-control and learning to love myself more than my fixation. When people drink, they are drinking to bury something inside. They are not drinking to be casual because they just like it, they are drinking to hide something or bury something and they've yet to admit that is what they're doing.

The same goes for food; when you over indulge, pig out, or eat unhealthy food shoved in your face, you are doing that to mask pain not because you want to eat what you want, you’re lying to yourself. You might even say to yourself that you have no hidden pain, no past trauma, no regrets, nothing detrimental that inhibits your inner growth, you just like eating junk food. If that is you, then more power to you. 

You will watch pounds shed off of you like dry skin when you work on healing your inner self and watch the foods going into your mouth. Self-control, if you have none I can guarantee sickness is waiting at your door, a disease is lurking waiting to pounce, cancer is in hiding waiting to come out and play. 

Learn how to control the unhealthy fats going into your body by eating healthy fats. You don’t need to be a vegetarian, vegan or a plant based eater, you need to have self-control. The difference in a believer and nonbeliever is control. You’re controlling what goes into your mind. Why can’t people have the same control over the foods that go into their bodies? 

A mushroom