Patience, My Precious

Before the storm

Pss. 47:1  “O clap your hands, all ye people; shout unto God with the voice of triumph.”

Patience, my Precious

We live in a world where we want things and we want them now, our way and it’s the only way, no one is willing to be patient and wait. Oh, they’ll wait for a day or a week or two but that’s it!

We have people who cry out for healing and they want it now, they want a miracle to just poof into existence with no waiting. They don’t want to do anything but sit back, pray and wait for the miracle to enter their lives. Well let me tell you, that is not how it works. 

As anyone can tell you, I am the first person to believe in miracles but even with the conception of a child, you must wait nine months before you see the ‘miracle’ child. Why is childbirth considered a miracle, because not every pregnancy turns into a live birth. Every mother knows the pains that one has to go through before this little miracle comes forth into the world.

So why would any other miracle be any different? What makes you so special that you don’t have to go through pain and suffering? God loves change. He loves it so much he draws us out of our comfort zone and tosses us into a lion’s den, so to speak. He observes, he listens and he hears. I have many non-believer friends who think that is just a cruel God and will not follow or serve anything that doesn’t serve them. People want to be the god of their life. They want to control the good, the bad and the ugly but honestly, I’ve yet to see anyone happy with handling the ugly in life.

Life is hard and people are not willing to have the patience to wait out the storm, they want what they want, when they want it, and they want it now! If my God can’t do that for them, then phooey on my God. If only they could hear how selfish and lonely that sounds.

While I look around and see a nation of give me and wants, I see very few people with the patience of the very people they read and believe in the Bible. Daniel, Ruth, the Hebrews in Egypt, nobody is willing to be THAT patient, believer or not, they want a miracle now!

I am a faithful servant. I’m no different than Job or Moses, Noah or Ruth. Times may have changed, the planet may have changed but God using His servants have not changed one bit. We’re called to endure, we’re asked to be patient, He expects us to be faithful and trust in Him. He wants us to be all He created us to be, His disciplined children.

When I was diagnosed with this disease, it was like I was standing out in left field and instead of catching the ball, it smacked me right in the face! A wake-up call shook me to my knees. Pain, tears, wonder, sorrow, shame the emotions flooded in like the crowd of disgruntled fans as I missed the ball. They were not worried about my face exploding into pieces; the people were too consumed with the loss of the game.

I embrace the diagnosis. While I am not out of the woods yet and still have a long way to go, I choose to be patient and see where it is I’m being led. I am a faithful servant who will cry out to God and ask Him to show me where the path leads. I will patiently wait, in the midst of struggle, the duration of pain, and I will not complain about all I have to endure. I will try and show you how to sail without sails; move forward without a compass, strengthen without food. 

Willpower. Willpower is that force that little David had with him when he went out and fought the giant Goliath. People wonder where this little fella got the strength to fight such a huge beast. Let me tell you, I think I know where he got the strength from, that little thing called faith. Faith in not only one's self but faith in an all-powerful God to be with you and carry you. When you have neither your willpower nor faith, your strength to fight will wane; your patience lost. It is a fact. You have to embrace both.

I am an alien in this world. I am living to die but I am living to obtain an eternal place in the heavens where I am a part of a society where I fit in, belong. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.”

Poetry Sunday ~ The Soul's Descent

Gen. 28:12 "And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of God ascending and descending on it."

The Souls Descent

***

Plummeting downward I watched it fall;

the deep abyss the shadowed wall.

Gripped by pain and tidal emotion;

wrought with fear an inner devotion.

In this fissure of my being, 

analyzing all I'm seeing.

The foulness of vengeance lurks throughout,

seeds of hatred sprinkled about.

Where once there lay a fluent stream,

drought and hunger fuse a team.

Lust it lingers in this pit,

I try to flee...but here I sit.

Liquid anger claws at me,

my very essence squints to see.

Howls and screams ~~ a wailing sound.

crimson walls melting 'round.

Fires racing torments edge;

keeping me from realities ledge.

I struggle within this master's plane,

as wilted red walls fall down like rain.

My soul has found a resting place,

torrents of tears streaming down my face.

Trickling along like glistening sand,

I hold my pain in the palm of my hand.

Rom. 10:7 "Or, Who shall descend into the deep? (that is, to bring up Christ again from the dead.)"

*a worthy repost

from 2012

The Results Are In

Acts 4:22 “For the man was above forty years old, on whom this miracle of healing was shewed.”

The Results Are In

I can honestly say I patiently waited. I thought the doctor said she’d call Friday but I remembered I did ask for a written copy of the results because I do better visually seeing with my own eyes.

I felt good about the blood test because I know I’ve been doing everything and more to get this crud under control! In my mind, I shouldn’t even have this disease, this belongs to someone else. But such as it is, I got the diagnosis.

To many, this is the jaw dropping death sentence disease that no one wants but millions each year get and quite frankly, die. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, a million times if you’d let it sink into your brain, cancer does NOT kill, chemotherapy DOES! 

I’ll quit stalling because I know you all, my dear spiritual family, who has been with me through this illness these past six months, are as eager as I am to get the results, to actually SEE the results. Just so you know, by the end of the letter I received, the doc did encourage me to get treatment (chemo) for this disease but understood my want for alternative treatment first. She is a medical professional, I’d expect nothing less from her.

Now let me start out with, when you’re diagnosed with cancer, NOTHING is normal; no blood counts are normal, no vitamin counts, everything registers deficient.  That is another signal (besides the mammogram, CT scan, and biopsies) you have the ugly C or some other illness festering inside. Here are the results with comments from me in parentheses.

The letter started off…
Your white blood count including your INFECTION cells (CELLS), were NORMAL at 6,000. Normal range is 4,000 to 11,000.  (comment: mine is 6,000 meaning to me it is ascending daily or can stay where it is, normal range!)

Your hemoglobin was normal at 13.8 and your platelets were normal at 306,000. These should be between 150,000 and 400,00 (comment: I am almost ABOVE normal!)

Other lab testing included comprehensive metabolic panel which looks at your liver, kidneys and all of your electrolytes. Your blood protein ratio was a little bit off (not a lot). This can be affected by hydration, nutrition—this can be mildly affected. (you all know my diet, so this is a normal response, to me) Your liver function tests and your kidney function tests including your sodium, potassium, blood sugar and chloride were all normal! (Comment: this means the detoxification I’m doing is registering in my organs. This is a very good sign when these organs are functioning normally with this disease.)

Your vitamin b12 level was actually ABOVE normal range at 998. Normal range is 193-986. This is just fine to be slightly high. (comment: You bet it is! B12 is a major component of the vitamin that’s essential to fighting this disease. She even said that at the office.)

Your vitamin D level is at 37. Anything over 30 is considered normal. (Comment: Vit. D is another major nutrient component in the fight.)

Overall, all of these tests are essentially NORMAL!!! (my caps and exclamation marks)

Tears flooded from my eyes at this point! Six months of not knowing if what I’m doing was really working. Yes, I most certainly have faith it is, I can see things that SHOW me this diet, my eating habit change has all been working. How everything is just a part of a working machine that when taken care of properly it all works in order to heal.

She also added that while these tests were good, none can be a direct indicator of progressing cancer or improving (the immune system). She has to say that so she is not held liable in any way. I did tell her that I would hold myself directly responsible for whatever outcome happens. And well…it looks like I might be NORMAL after all, at least my blood is. * Big ol’ smile *

My God is an awesome God He reigns. I could not be doing what I’m doing without Him. Once again as so many other times in my life, He has NEVER let me down. My prayers have been answered and I walk along a tough road in faith but now I have actual tests to prove, what I’m doing is showing signs of working. Onward I go on the healing path I’ve chosen.

Thank you and God bless you all!

Luke 9:11 “And the people, when they knew it, followed him: and he received them, and spake unto them of the kingdom of God, and healed them that had need of healing.”

Loose Strings

Job 38:31 “Canst thou bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, or loose the bands of Orion?”

Loose Strings

I need to tie up some loose strings from yesterday’s post.

I forgot to mention in yesterday’s post that the day I came home from the doctors I went to sit on the back steps. I wanted to shed a few happy tears and just sit in a quiet moment of prayerful gratitude. I see movement out of the corner of my eye, and right there beside me was my Toady Frog. Yeah, I named him Toady Frog! He was there once again and every day I go out the front or back door, he seems to be near. He’s my new friend. I am actually in the habit now of opening the door and saying, “Where’s my Toady Frog?” If he’s not there he usually is by the next time the door opens.

I also wanted to mention all the stress I was under a month ago. My son seeking a job was really stressing us both, and I as his mother wanted him to succeed in his search, he as a fighter of all things young adult wants to move forward in life and for six months, nothing was panning out. Finally, he got a job he REALLY wanted. The first job at the food store was a food chopper at a salad bar, minimum hours and slave drivers behind the wheel. When the hotel called him, the job he REALLY wanted, he jumped at the offer of more money and more hours! He was happy, and so was I, until he asked for a week off.

Just so you know and I imagine the majority of you do, when your child (young man) makes a decision, it is his own and nothing can stop him. He wanted to take a bus trip out of the state and he had not really planned it out but he was determined. I let it all work out on its own (he eventually changed his mind) and it took my stress away immediately.

Then there was my husband’s tooth pain. I’m sure all of you can relate to a throbbing pain that keeps you up at night popping ibuprofen for what seems every hour on the hour, right? I’ve been there done that, myself.

In doing all of my research these past six months and my new love for coconut oil, I found that the coconut oil was used for tooth pain. Now I didn’t expect hubby to believe me because let's be honest, who would think coconut oil for tooth pain, right? Well, he researched it himself and sure enough, he read that it worked, too.

That night hubby was whooshing coconut oil in his mouth for five minutes. He said the thought of holding coconut oil in your mouth and whooshing it around sounded gross at first but didn’t taste all that bad. Now let me add here, he was ready to take off of work the next day because he was in so much pain and such as it was, it was a Sunday evening. The next day he arose and went into work. When we talked later in the day I asked how his tooth was, his words, “Not bad." He had only taken two ibuprofen because he ‘thought’ the pain would surface but the entire day he went, with no pain! He had made a dentist appointment that day but there was a two-week wait.

Night after night he did the coconut oil and now he swears by the stuff. By the end of the week, he was eating his sweets. The tooth no longer hurt! He went to the dentist when the two weeks were up, and he told his dentist about the oil. The dentist said that the person who had just left told him the same thing about the coconut oil! So here is Joni’s sage advice this day, toothache pain can be resolved with coconut oil. I have the organic coconut oil so I don’t know how well other brands work.

My doctor visit was mounting stress for me too. I knew I needed the visit but sure wasn’t looking forward to setting myself up for a letdown. But as you read yesterday, that problem was resolved too. Everything turned out okay! Waiting for the test results are not stressful because good or bad results, it will be the knowledge I need to move forward in my treatment.

Yesterday came and I woke feeling empowered. I felt like the woman I had been for the last month was gone and the Joni I knew myself to be was back in control. I was ready to face the world and my day after my shower of course.

It was my normal morning cleansing of myself but what happened when I went to dry my hair, I was not expecting. Electric shock! Yes, you read that correctly. I was nonchalantly plugging in my straightening iron and it happened, sparks flew, tingling ran up my fingers and in a micro second the utensil went flying out of my hands, fingers blackened and singed, yet I was alive. Tearful but alive! Grateful but alive! Shaken but ALIVE!

I began to cry and I called my husband in. He was sitting at his computer and came in and asked what happened. All I could do was hold up my blackened fingers and weep. He reached and quickly unplugged the instrument and threw it in the trash. There was an obvious short in the frayed wires. No fire or anything just a nice shock to my system. I jokingly told my husband, “If that doesn’t cure cancer, nothing will!” 

My strings unraveled and I let loose the ties that bound my soul. I’m good, all is well and Joni is almost back to her old self! Look out world! 

Matt. 18: 18 “Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.”

One Ray of Hope

Pss. 119:105 (NIV) “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

One Ray of Hope

That’s all I asked for really, is one ray of hope. I think it’s been less than two weeks since the Family Practice office called and asked me if I’d like an appointment to see a doctor. They just wanted to see where I was at with my treatment.

Well, I was told that my doctor GP (general practitioner) was leaving the office due to her residency being complete in July. July came and I still hadn’t made an appointment to get in there to see her before she left. Not because of me, mind you, because my husband had an eye doctor’s appointment and after that, his tooth decided to be in pain and he HAD to get that worked on, too.

So here we are in July and the Family Practice office called ME and asked if I’d like to make an appointment. She was a somber voiced woman sounding like the stress of the job was getting to her;  I said yes, taking whomever she picked for me. I thought she said I could see the PA (Physician Assistant) and we could discuss a referral maybe. I was scheduled for July 18th the woman said. 

I didn’t put much promise into the visit, all I wanted was one ray of hope. I’d say almost a month leading up to the visit were wrought with tears and angst, feeling abandoned by all doctors and just left out here to die. I think it came through in my previous posts and yes my friends knew something was bothering me.

I wasn’t sad because I thought this alternative route was failing, I knew things were working and I could feel it and literally SEE it. But I feel satan had his own plans in planting doubt and fear in my mind by the appearance of a lump in my RIGHT breast this time. Before you all jump to conclusions that my disease is spreading allow me to tell you. 

Consistency.  When I was a kid and even throughout my adult years of menstruating my breasts were lumpy Lil buggers, that is why this disease went unrecognized for so long. The lump, the cancerous one, was hard as a marble and grew over the months. The one on my right feels like a spongy little fella, moves around, making me think this is the difference in a cyst and a tumor.  

Just so you know, I SEE visual differences and this one obviously drew concern at first but then I remembered all I’m dealing with, stress, life, heat, monsters creeping under my bed. Okay no monsters, I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. You get the picture, I know. This is not a journey I would wish on my worst enemy! But I’m barreling through like a champ and am even wondering some days where I’m getting this strength! (Trust me, I KNOW where I get the strength from.)

I’ve never lost sight of the Lord and with every tear that dripped onto the floor I knew, God was right there catching them for me. Then the eighteenth came and the doctor visit was at hand. No expectations in the least. I thought I was seeing a PA and getting a referral. I know what I had prayed for but I was willing to wait a little longer for the answer.

But it came, an answer to my prayer. You all know for six months (on the 25th) what I’ve endured, encountered, been hit with from the doctors, all of my illnesses and I do believe you all have been praying the same thing for me. When the M.D., (yup, not a PA) came into the room, introducing herself as the doctor and asked me what I was looking for I told her straight up, I need blood tests done to check for any vitamin deficiency or any other tests she could run. 

She asked me why I chose not to go the chemo route, I told her, I don’t believe in chemo, it has killed too many in my family and I NEED to try something else, I have a lot of nieces that might need to see another route to take one day. I told her, I don’t want to die from chemo and that is basically what I’d be doing if I went that route. I also said that if none of this works and I die because it didn’t work, it is MY choice, MY body and MY death on my hands, no one else’s.

She asked if I’ve done any research on this method of healing and I basically gave her the rundown of my research for the past six months, she listened, asked questions and nodded in agreement. I never at one time felt like I was off my rocker. She looked at me as an equal not down on me as if she was the all powerful Oz. Even when I mentioned CBD oil (cannabis oil) she sounded interested. I told her of all of the success stories I’ve read, about THOUSANDS of people healing and being CURED, not just hundreds.

I threw names around like The Truth About Cancer, Chris Wark of Chris Beat Cancer to Dr. Hoxsey, founder of the Oasis of Hope in Tijuana, Mexico and the Vitamin C treatments being done in Colorado. She looked intrigued and didn’t roll her eyes or throw her arms in the air once, brushing me off. Instead, she said the words I longed to hear, “I can run some tests.” Tears started to well in my eyes, but I didn’t allow them to flow over. I said, “I think I love you right now.” She chuckled then went on to tell me she’d test my B12 levels, C and D levels, bone density and liver and the other organs, and as she was speaking I zoned out silently praising God, thanking Him for answering my prayers. “…lab.” That’s all I heard, I think I was in shock.

I did hear her say it could take a few days, maybe by Friday for results. I was just sitting in shock. I know I became quiet and couldn’t believe what was happening. My husband who I took into the office for support was kind of shocked too.

She did ask if I wanted to get a colonoscopy, and all of the other internal test and I told her, please let me get to know you first. Allow me one thing at a time; this is all so overwhelming. I thanked her profusely, gave her a firm handshake and off I went to the lab with a smile on my face and a sunbeam in my hand.

I only prayed for one ray of hope…my God gave me an entire SON! 

The following verse is what greeted me this morning. All praise and Glory to Him! 

Pss. 24: 3-6 “Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive the blessing from the Lord, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.

Maybe One Day...

Rev. 7: 17 "For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes."

Maybe one day…

Maybe one day

after I’m gone

they’ll remember I lived,

I breathed

I came 

And I went.

Maybe one day

I’ll be more

than a passing thought

a gleam 

in their eye

that’s no more

Maybe one day

they’ll think

of me

as if to see

that I’ll never be

No more.

Maybe one day

will come

when they realize

they missed

the chance

I’m no more.

Perseverance

Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

Perseverance

Diet and stress are my new high points in life at this moment as I persevere. I’ve deleted umpteen emails that are naggingly telling me what feeds this disease, what wakes up this disease, what to eat and when to eat. I’m now on the information overload of my system. Then this plant based diet got through to me. I took a deep breath and looked it over, not hating what I was seeing.

I want to try this diet but seriously, I’m not out for a diet based on what’s a good diet. I’m looking for sustenance in my health in healing this disease! Everything looks good except the acidic aspects of some of the foods. I just want what's best for my health.

July 25th will be my sixth-month mark since this diagnosis walked into my life like a volcano and erupted shifting everything in its path forcing me to rethink some things in my life, including the food I put into my mouth. I’ve badgered unhealthy eaters; I’ve even tried to twist some arms into change but then I came to an abrupt halt of my own hand pressing on my chest telling me to hold on now, STOP!

I don’t know if this is a bad habit or just a part of who I am but I always find myself worrying about everyone else but myself. Even now with this disease, I’m more concerned with those around me, their feelings, their eating habits, their unhealthy living.

When I say I’m done, I never mean it to be I’m giving up, I mean I’m done with everyone else! I’m done worrying about tiptoeing on their love or non-love. I’m done falling apart when my feelings are hurt. I’m done being something for all and nothing for myself. I can’t make people love me and that’s okay, I love me. I have to realize that I am the most important player in MY game of life. Actually, I am the ONLY player. 

Solitaire, it’s the game I’ve played all my life. Alone. Even with my most recent upset, I keep it to myself because when I share, I’m told what I should do, what I need to do, or I get silence, nothing at all. Yeah, I know it makes it hard to make a comment, but can’t someone just say something simple like, ‘I’m here for you’ and actually be there for me? I hear I’m here for you then don’t hear another word from them for months?

I’ve been wanting to write and post but really I’ve been writing and keeping it to myself because I’m virtually tired. I’m tired of all of the information, I’m tired of defending myself, and I’m tired of having to watch what I say. My son seems to think I have a lot to live for but quite honestly, I don’t see it. I might feel differently in a month or two but right now, I’m exhausted.

I have hope that one day, maybe when I’m gone my family and loved ones will FINALLY read MY blog, MY pains, MY thoughts and realize what they REALLY lost. I’ll tell them I hurt, they didn’t care that I hurt and were partly to blame for my hurt. I can’t be any more honest than that with myself. That is how I’m healing, letting go of the ones hurting me; even if that means the ones closest in my orbit who actually had the chance to love me but chose something else over me. 

Maybe being exhausted is a good thing because I can take the time to put things into perspective, see things from a different vantage point. It’s like looking out and knowing mountains are out there but not seeing them. It’s like driving to the mountains and finally seeing the glorious peaks and knowing the climb is the end game, not just observing beautiful mountains.

When I wake and ask God, what would you have me do for you today and He says rest, I want to give Him a Joni slap and say WHAAAT? But then I remember who He is and bow down and respond, Your will be done. Can I ever rest? Why do I feel like resting is giving up when I know it is just a pause in the machine I’m oiling. I have a little more work to do then…I’m done.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and she isn’t even a real doctor or anything, she’s a PA, a Physicians Assistant. What on earth is she going to do for me except reiterate why I need drugs and go the slice and dice method? That is what they are all programmed to say. I’m reading too much into the visit before I’ve even given the poor woman a chance. If she asks me what I’m doing, I’ll be honest with her and tell her, I’m choosing the way I die.

Don’t read more into that than I offer. I’m just not choosing to go down in a fetal position, in a hospice hooked to wires and drugs. I’m choosing to enjoy the Lord’s bounty of fruits and vegetables, His gifts to us and yet too many overlook because their eye is on the sweet, meaty prize, literally.

What I am doing and all that is left for me to do is prepare for my entry into Heaven and the walk that I look forward to. I seek that mountain with the snow-capped tops. I look toward the ascent to finally being free from the earth and all of the ignorance and disrespect strewed around like confetti on New Year’s Eve. When Jesus descended into hell, I just can’t imagine there is a place lower than this planet. I’m reaching for the summit in the sky…I’ll persevere here then move on to a place where I am truly loved and surrounded by love where ALL is love. I yearn for that. Peace out!

To God Be the Glory…

Pss. 37:37 "Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is peace."

Pss. 30:12 "To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever."

Endurance

The wheel... has endured the test of time

2 Cor. 4:16 "For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day."

Endurance

This post was going to be titled I’m Done, had it been written and posted yesterday. Instead, I chose to close down, go inside my head and feel the angst that I was being asked to endure. 

I had an extremely stressed filled month with my son seeking a job, the death in the family from chemo no less (I’m from the school cancer doesn’t kill, chemo does), and then there was hubby and his needed eye doctor appointment and a dental visit. Then there was me tossed in the middle with my illness and need to pick a new doctor. 

All of this came flurrying around my face like confetti from the sky. I blew it away as a wayward strand of hair falling in my face, but the stress had mounted and I could feel the shift, the pain, the hurt. I was trying so hard but it all came crashing around me and I was about ready to give up. I’m done, I said, I’m just done!

My thoughts and feelings were getting hard to catalog. I could not compartmentalize them, I had to face each one head on, I had to endure. I woke this morning with a swift slap in the face with a God moment. My Encouragement For The Day came via my Bible Gateway message. 

This is what greeted me today, first thing in the quiet of the morning:

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5 (ESV)

Wow, this is one not to be scanned over real quick; I was forced to read it after that intro. I went through word after word, the writer was a twenty-five-year breast cancer survivor and now after all of these years she’s faced with her daughter having to go through the same exact illness. She couldn’t protect her daughter from this event, they would just have to endure it, together. I’ll hit the high points of the email: Suffering produces endurance, Endurance produces character, character produces hope. 

There it is in a nutshell HOPE! I woke to hope! Yesterday I was done, I was giving up, I was just ready to shove a slice of pizza in my face, stop all supplements, have everyone laugh at me and say I told ya so, and I was making plans in my head to go home, to my Heavenly Home, that is. And I woke to this message of hope. What am I supposed to do with that? Endure and have continued hope is what!

2 Cor. 4:17-18 (KJV) “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

Stress level on a scale of one to ten – nine! let’s go over it:

Me- In need of finding a doctor for this serious illness invading my body. (more on that in later posts)

My son – He found a really good job making good money and a week after he started, he asked for a week vacation at the end of July; a vacation to go to Kentucky to meet online friends. That’s what I taught him, run off and meet your online friends. He’s twenty-one and I cannot stop this train from going down the track, I have my own stress and seriously don’t need this, but it is what it is. He has a hard-as-a-rock head on his shoulders and I can’t say anything. (wow, he’s just like his mother!)

My hubby - An eye doctor’s appointment went well, but the eye doctor of eight years told us this would be the last time we’d see him. Shock, hurt, memories, everything came through the floodgates!

A funeral – Need I say more? His aunt succumbed to chemo.

The dentist – No insurance and a filling it wasn’t meant to be. I won’t say any more than that. This was the tip of the iceberg of a stressful month. Especially when the (doctor’s wife, hygienist) looked at me and asked if I was my husbands' mother. Insult after insult (my brother-in-law writes too, as a hobby, she says.) “Good thing you weren’t working so you could drive your husband to all of the doctor’s appointments.”  Slice after slice, cut, chop, throw me to the wolves. The wolf being a gray-haired, forty-five-year-old overworked mother. I was her target for the day and wonder how she even has the job she has.

I left in tears, wanting to just go home to the Lord. I’m done, I can’t handle this. I can’t handle all of the doubts coming through via my screen from people who say they support me but are really living Doubting Thomas’! The message of what to eat vs. what not to eat, what to take and what not to take, email after email asking to buy this cure in a bottle. No money has me deleting the majority of the supplement spiel.

I woke to find the email telling me to endure. To be filled with hope during a most trying time. To have faith where others wane. To stand tall and muddle through this thickened mire. It is my job to give hope and here I was being filled. I need a break from stress and worry. I need to stand in a downpour and release all that ails me. I need to embrace the journey and walk with hope in my hand.

The Holy Spirit flowing through us is God and His earthly blood/waters running through our veins. There is no doubting in the floodwaters. There may be pain, there sure will be stress, you’ll face trials of ignorance from the outside world but you’ll find the strength in God to endure, whatever it is you have to endure to get through another day.

Isa. 26:4 (KJV) “Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength:”

I give all praise and Glory to God! 

Alleluia AMEN!

Flowers - images

My flowers of  the Summer of 2017

I didn't plant any this year due to lousy soil conditions. I said, "Whatever comes up, will be the Lords blessing to me."

These are purple Salvia but sure look blue.

Butterflies visited me often. 

The angels aren't plants silly, they're just guarding what grows! 

It was a great summer! 

To Your Health

Psalm 27:7  9-10 (NIV)

“Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. ... Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.”

To Your Health

Nobody wants to hear about health; they want to hear about God, they want to hear the day's news, they wade through recipes, they saunter through the food stores, basically going through their day. They go on ignoring their health issues until it bites them in the butt and they HAVE to face what ails them and is making them sick.

I remember as a child being taught about the food pyramid but was it my duty as a child to uphold the nutrition that went into my body? While I believe it was my mother and father's job it became my job after I grew up. While my father worked hard to put food on the plate, my mother scraped by bringing us the meals we’d eat and more times than not beef and potatoes is what was for dinner. 

I grew up and took charge of what went in my body which meant no more beef and potatoes for sure. But I still chose unhealthy processed foods, takeout, you name it, I was the queen of unhealthy habits. Now look at me, this disease wants to own me and I’m shoving back and going to kill IT before it kills me! 

Isn’t that the way it usually happens, you’re young and carefree living high and mighty when BAM, your heart literally pains you and you go to the hospital? Or your head, back knees, teeth, hurt so bad you NEED to seek out medical attention.

Why is it we only care about our health after we’ve failed taking care of it for thirty, forty, fifty years? Our bodies are sending out signals while we’re young and living a careless lifestyle, we just don’t hear or because we don’t have insurance to cover our medical expenses, we put our health issues on the back burner, literally putting blinders on so we don't see the illness while it is destroying our inside. We’ll take care of it when the need arises but right here and now…careless living is what we’re about.

If you have a headache, the first thing you do is reach for a pill. A headache is your system telling you something just isn’t right. Insomnia, that is another hindrance of your body telling you something is just off kilter. A fever, pains, whatever the problem, these are mechanisms that your body is screaming out to you to open your eyes and LOOK at the problem, don’t pacify the ill. But no, we’re addicted to pacifiers; we don’t want a cure we just want the pain to go away and the pills will make it go away.

And we wonder how we became a world addicted to opiates and drugs? Do you wonder how this western culture enabled us to become the most overweight species around the globe? When looking at other countries as a whole, is the first thing you see is an overweight society? Not yet, until parts of America like McDonald’s and Burger King enter their everyday eating, then you’ll see them balloon!

I hate to badger my country but you're okay with the ‘powers that be’ leading you to your death? Toxically vaccinating infants, pushing pills like opiates, Oxycontin, barbiturates to be the remedy to what ails sick people? Filling humans with over processed food, genetically modified fruits, vegetables, and meat? Allowing chemicals like glyphosate to be readily ingested in a majority of what you put into your mouth. You’re okay with a sick and unhealthy nation?

I was never okay with the way we’re being used as lab rats. I also never thought there was anything I could do about the dilemma facing an entire country. Well, I CAN do something, one person at a time! It might be a small start but if fifty people read my blog and actually start to think about their health and nutrition, I made a dent. If they actually take action to better their health, I’ve made a bigger dent. You see, the ocean has beautiful waves lapping the shore, each little or big wave makes a difference in the shoreline!

We might feel inadequate like we are too small to make a difference but honestly, we need to wake up and look in the mirror and begin to make that change we want to see in the world, one small step at a time.

It all begins with your health! If you’re not sick, think about changing your unhealthy diet now. If you are having ailments, wake up and change what goes into your mouth! If you’re just happy the way you are (are you really happy?) do nothing and live. Me, I want to make a difference in the world, one word at a time. Here's to your health! 

Godspeed…

Poetry Sunday ~ On a Monday ~ Tear Catcher

Job 16:20 “My friends scorn me: but mine eye poureth out tears unto God.”

Tear Catcher

I feel the doubts like shouts

lingering in my soul.

not from within but without

are ones that play a role.

I cannot find a protocol

that keeps this ill at bay

I cannot bear all the words

that people never say.

Taunted with their falsity

the fake façade they feel

their glazed over face says one thing

while the mind will whisper what’s real.

Tissues fill the trashcan

with tears that I’d cast down

tripping on my own thoughts

as a smile turns to a frown.

Dear God as you walk with me

along the storm-filled path

allow in me a peace unknown

Release this inner wrath.

Pss. 6:6 “I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.”

The Walls of Nutrition

Prov. 25:28 “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.”

The Walls of Nutrition

At the beginning of my diagnosis, the walls of nutrition came crashing down around me, to put it bluntly, I had no nutritional values. I regarded food as sustenance to keep me going through the day. I had my likes of pasta anything, my drinks of choice were three cups of coffee, one Pepsi a day, and lots and lots of water, almost a gallon a day. Water was my primary sustenance.

I loved chicken in boneless or bone-in form, usually baked and not fried. I didn’t care for red meat, rarely ate pork or turkey, was not a big chocolate fan or bacon fan, but I ate those unhealthy products on occasion. So why was I gaining weight and not losing it if I ate so little? Again, very bluntly, because the food and drinks that went into my body were toxic junk, right down to the almost gallon of well-water I drank each day.

Out here in Nebraska, I didn’t think toxic run-off of the farms went into the well-water but I’ve learned that is basically what happens. All those crop dusters in this area spray and spray and when it rains… it has to go somewhere, right?

When I went to Texas fourteen years ago, I weighed a tiny 115. I was always a small waisted woman, but Texas and Nebraska brought into my life unhealthy eating on a magnified level. I never ate healthy back home but I ate more unhealthy foods in these two states. Everyone around me said as you age you gain, so I just assumed, they were right. They ARE WRONG! 
Aging has nothing to do with weight gain. Unhealthy eating has everything to do with weight gain. 

I considered taking a Health Coach course but on my journey of writing a book titled Beating Cancer on a Budget, shelling out thousands of dollars for a course is kind of going against what I’m writing about. Everything I’ve learned these past five months has been FREE and from pretty good trusted sources, Chris Beat Cancer and The Truth About Cancer. Both sites have an overload of nutritional facts that you need if you’re fighting ANY illness, not just the one I’m battling.

You know what else I’ve learned, every 'body' is different and every nutritional diet is different, and every illness is unique to the individual carrying the illness and their diet needs to be as unique and individual too. What works for some might not work for others, take for example beans and legumes, some people have allergies or intolerance of the little beans so your diet needs to be catered to what works for you. Not everything that works for you is going to work for me.

I have a disease that is tackled with poisons like chemo and the slice and dice method but truly what works and has been documented for well over thirty years, some natural treatments as long as ninety years (but we won’t hear about it) is nutritional balance! The different protocols available to us alternative fighters is amazing, to say the least.


The Budwig Protocol - 
The Gerson Therapy - 
The NORI Protocol -  
Paleo Autoimmune Diet - 

You might be fighting heart disease with medication, my mother is fighting type 2 diabetes with medication, my uncles and aunts (now deceased) fought with the chemo, slice and dice method. What I’m getting at is we all have our own choice in the matter. My choice might be different than yours but health is what I’m trying to achieve, I believe you’re looking to sustain life in your unhealthy lifestyle. I’m just not choosing the unhealthy route anymore.

Brick by brick I’m building my nutritional wall back up. I’m not using the rubble of my broken down wall like so many choose to do via drugs and meds. Instead, I’m using new bricks in the form of healthy food, new cement in the form of knowledge, new tools in the form of supplementation. 

I have a carpenter friend who does beautiful work in his line of business. If I asked him if he ever uses the old wood, the old bricks, the old stuff to rebuild something, I’m sure he’d say 96-99% of the time he uses NEW materials and yes some of the time even new tools are needed! 

Now think of your body. Is it wise to use the old methods of treatment when there is so much new material offered in treating illnesses? We are born to die, there is no way around that, some die from heart disease, some depression, some diabetes, and yes some from cancer. We’re all on the same path, with no stamped date of expiration on our butts. Why focus on ways to just keep it going, using the old materials over and over why not try ways for it to be an enjoyable journey in peace and health?

I don’t want to die curled up in the fetal position, begging to be set free from this world. In this alternative choice of mine, I am going to go when God is good and ready. My solid wall of a foundation of faith will stand tall and firm in the end and with the use of all new materials, the balance of life will come to a halt and I’ll fly away in joy, not sorrow, in freedom, not bondage, in peace, not pain.

Let’s face it… our choice of living all boils down to the nutritional walls we build.

Here’s to your health, my friends, to your HEALTH! 

Pss. 122:7 “Peace be within thy walls, and prosperity within thy palaces.”

Be Not Conformed

Rom. 8:4 “That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

Be Not Conformed

Yes, not choosing the mainstream chemo/slice and dice method is my choice and I have to live with this choice while people swim upstream to bask on the sunny beach along the shore. I see my battle from inside my own mind and never really thought about how it looked to other people on the outside looking in.

To some I appear a little bit crazy probably because they’ve never seen anyone take a diagnosis like this and tackle the healing part on their own, it’s just not done! If I were truly alone, I can assure you, I would have never gone in this direction.

Rom. 8:2 “For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.”

To me, the conformists I’ve read about can be Christians but they’ve conformed to the ways of the world. They read the Bible, see all of the amazing miracles, works, jobs, or duties of the men and women written about but for some reason, I guess they think God stopped working miracles when the man physically stopped writing the bible. 

They might believe miracles still happen but ‘to other people’, you know, those rare instances where the media pushes the story, or people are so loud a person hears about it via word of mouth. Yeah, miracles only happen to ‘those people’?

What about infants? I always hear people saying ‘what a miracle’ a baby is but do they really believe that? What concept do you believe that miracles happen to other people and infants are miracles? Look at the whole picture, we were all infants once; we were just a passionate thought of two people and God blessed the joining of two and out came…YOU! Yes, that’s right, you are a living miracle. It is what we conform to that makes us a not so special miracle anymore.

Do you ever think of the Lazarus story? He was a miracle, brought back to life. We’ve read about it, believed it, but what happened ten years down the line? Did he go back to being a ‘man of this world’ or did the miracle of Jesus bringing him back to life change him?

We have to think about these things if we are ever to become devout Christians. Too often I’ve read ‘be not conformed to this world’ yet when I look around all I see are people, conformed to this world, whether they’re Christians or not; conformity thrives and is very much alive.

While no one is perfect and we’re all out here just striving to live, to me be not conformed takes on extreme meaning. Conformity to me is being like everyone else, following the herd, walking the same line, and thinking inside the box. Well let me tell you, I’m not a rebel, I’m a ‘thinking outside the box’ kind of person. When you see a box as square I can show you how it is really round as the globe, with infinite possibilities, whereas you see the box as square because that is what you were taught. You take everything at face value.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? When I look up the word conformity, it gives me this meaning: action in accord with prevailing social standards, attitudes, practices, etc.. Can you see by the definition, that you have been conformed to the world? Even though the very bible you read daily tells you not to be conformed, you conform anyway because that is what everyone else is doing and for some reason, you have a need to fit in with this society. 

Rom. 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

As you can imagine, I’ve never fit in. Growing up I was called the rebel, I was always the one who thought about the broader spectrum of life, like of an infinite cosmos or eternal life. To me, these things were real as for others they were just a part of what they conformed to or were taught. Do they actually live and believe? Ask yourself that question when judging my choice in this diagnosis and treatment.

The other night it hit me pretty hard how I might be seen by other people when a friend (thank you Angela) directed me to a movie, Trolls. It was a kiddie movie (cute as all get out nonetheless) but it held a deeper meaning to me and helped me to see how some people might be viewing my incredible route I’m taking. Thank you for seeing outside the box! 

Rom. 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

Let me share the lyrics of one of the songs in the movie with you, I’ve colored them to fit my story: 

I really hope I can do it

'Cause they're all depending on me

I know that I must leave the only home I've ever known

And brave the dangers of the forest

Saving them before they're eaten

I mean, how hard can that be?

Looking up at a sunny sky, so shiny and blue and there's a butterfly

Well, isn't that a super fantastic sign

It's going to be a super fantastic day

Such marvelousness

It's gonna bring a pocket full of songs that I'm gonna sing

And I'm ready to take on anything

Hooray!

Some super fun surprise around each corner

Just riding on a rainbow, I'm gonna be okay

Hey!

I'm not giving up today

There's nothing getting in my way

And if you knock knock me over

I will get back up again

If something goes a little wrong

Well you can go ahead and bring it on

'Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again

Whoa oh oh oh, get back up again, whoa oh oh oh oh oh

I'm marching along I got confidence

I'm cooler than a pack of peppermints

And I haven't been this excited since

I can't remember when!

I'm off on this remarkable adventure

Just riding on a rainbow

What if it's all a big mistake

What if it's more than I can take

No, I can't think that way 'cause I know that

I'm really really gonna be okay

Hey!

I'm not giving up today

There's nothing getting in my way

And if you knock knock me over

I will get back up again

If something goes a little wrong

Well you can go ahead and bring it on

'Cause if you knock knock me over, I will get back up again

Always A Challenge

Ecc. 9:11 “I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”

Always a Challenge

It’s not easy

It’s really hard waking up every single day in a peppy mood. I wake and am so grateful to be awake one more day but let me tell you, every day is a daunting challenge to merely stay alive. While my mind is focused on the positive the dark and evil of the world try too often to slither into my thoughts and screen.

While most wake, go on in a mundane fashion as if their whole life is in front of them because honestly none of us really know when the time will come, I wake to the challenging days before me. Life for me has changed so much in five months, I used to take for granted eating a slice of pizza, or eating something from Subway or placing food on my plate that, while unhealthy as all get out, was delicious. 

Each morning I look at the sunrise differently as if this was my very first dazzling one, the sunset as if it was my very last purple-glazed one, I fall asleep praying that all will be right with the off-kilter world. I wake to a new unblemished day and face challenges, minute after minute, hour after hour. Everyone else seems to be going about life in a ho-hum matter-of-factly manner.

I watch as people shuffle about, children laugh and play, parents doing what parents do and that’s loving on their children. People are hurriedly rushing from point A to get to point B. I feel as if I’m sitting high on the balcony overlooking a flurry of activity and me, just an observer biding my time.

I didn’t want life to change for my husband either but such as it is, it has. I try to continue to make home cooked meals but that in itself is a challenge for me. I stir the delectable sauce or check to see if the noodles I can’t eat are done and place a meal on the plate that I can’t partake of. No, I now make two different meals one for me and one for him. Yes, he says he is more than capable of making his own meals, and I get that. My duty as his other half for fourteen years is now shifted, like a planet off its axis, so I try to keep it as normal as possible and do what I can.

I do believe change is good in so many ways. Maybe that is what God had in store, to wake us (my husband and me) up so we could appreciate the smell of the fragrant roses or enjoy the simple fluttering butterfly more; to bow down to His gloriousness as many just pass the wonder of it all by without a second thought.

I thought I was the most appreciative person alive but now I’m even more appreciative if you can imagine that. But please take note; every single second of the day is wrought with a challenge. With three illnesses upon me, I’m not just facing one mind-bending dastardly disease; I have to be blasted with three, tiring, pain-filled, hurdles to coast over every single livelong day.

I’m not whining I would just like you to think twice before finding my journey somewhat lighthearted. I’m doing so much better than I was five months ago, feeling great and not knocking the hurdles over, nope, I’m soaring but it is not without its grunts and groans. To be honest, I feel as if I’m climbing Mount Everest in blizzard conditions, being tossed about by the winds; or crossing the Sahara Desert in a windstorm where the sand on my face feels like shards of glass being slung at me. 

If I disappear for a day or two, it is more than likely because I’m tired and beat. If I don’t write for a day or two, it is more than likely the Sahara has dried me up, words and all. If I seem distant, you’re not to blame, I am being challenged and am out here trying to do the best I can to overcome everything thrown my way. As humbling as this is, I have to bow down and admit first and foremost…it is always a challenge.

God bless each and every one of you! 

Heb. 12:1 “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,”

Healing The Gut

2 Chron.16:12 “And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians.”

Healing the Gut

I put a lot of emphasis on different parts of healing and I may have missed out on the importance of healing the gut. After reading the article, you’ll see that the gut is the most important aspect of healing without a physician handing you drugs. It is really the only way to get the drugs OUT of your system to send you on a healing path.

I never really understood the proverb, Luke 4:23 ‘Physician heal thyself’. Some may understand it better than I but I looked into the meaning and it was pretty simple and as I understood it to mean. Put simply ‘Heal yourself before you heal us.’ That is my whole intention here, to heal myself before I can give you concrete information and just like Jesus I have the hand of God working with me.

Luke 4:23 “And he said unto them, Ye will surely say unto me this proverb, Physician, heal thyself: whatsoever we have heard done in Capernaum, do also here in thy country.”

I go on and on about supplementation but I really need to get to the root of all problems in our system. All the supplements you take to help yourself will do nothing if you don’t heal the gut of the bad organisms running around in there. This might be a little gross subject, I don’t know but truth be told, we ARE what we eat. 

Our bodies were created to put healthy food in our shell and what the body doesn’t need, it comes out. Our bodies were not created to eat chemically sprayed vegetables, toxic laden meat, or processed foods. Our bodies do not process processed food well, it damages the system. It’s kind of like putting gasoline in a diesel fuel engine or vice versa. It will damage the vehicle.

From Google: 
What will gasoline do to a diesel engine?
This means the diesel fuel will prematurely ignite in the diesel engine, which can lead to engine damage. Gasoline contamination can also damage the fuel pump and mess up diesel injectors. This happens because of a drop in lubrication. Simply speaking, gasoline is a solvent while diesel is an oil.

The people at The Truth About Cancer can give you all of the scientific facts that you need to understand about healing the gut. I’m just here relaying my journey and what actions I’m taking to heal myself on this path I'm being led down.

If you’re carrying around a few extra pounds, I can guarantee you have an unhealthy gut and that is the first thing that needs tending before you go the supplementation route or if you’re needing the supplements to work. Probiotics help neutralize the unhealthy organisms having free range in your stomach. Your organs will thank you and start functioning properly down the line.

As for us with this disease, we are already showing signs of an unhealthy gut and if we’re going the alternative route we NEED the vitamins to work even more so than those in perfect health. Our lives are literally depending on us to nurture every aspect of our mind, bodies, and souls. We must find healing in every cell that is going haywire in our body. Whatever path you choose, conventional or alternative, you owe it to yourself to take care of your health, or be faced with this illness over and over again.

I try to provide links and gentle advice so you too can change your lifestyle, stay the same, or utilize and learn healing aspects. Maybe some of you are unhealthy and are quite happy with yourself, then do nothing and live happily. Some of us, didn’t even know we were unhealthy and a disease crept up on us like a shadow, you knew it was there at certain times of the day and most of the time you just ignored it. 

A woman from the Alternative Group I’m in had mentioned that she was a vegetarian, ate healthily, exercised, did everything right for years and still came down with this dreaded disease. What happened, she asked the group. Come to find out, STRESS happened. We think stress doesn’t have any effect on us, we think we’re in control but sure enough, even the healthiest eaters get this Big C disease. It is how you handle the situation once your suffering that will lay the path to your healing future. If you don’t recognize what stress did to your life, you can rest assured, you won’t find healing via vitamins and nutrition.

Similarly, as Christians, it is how you carry your Christianity that defines you. God can be the Almighty healer, or he can passively hang around your walk as an observer. We all have choices in our life. We can choose HEALTH, or we can be passive and choose unhealthy eating that only leads to doctors and too many illnesses to list.

I now choose HEALTH! I choose LIFE! By making this choice I am doing everything within my power to make myself whole, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This isn’t a ‘take a vitamin and eat right’ disease, this is an illness that is attacking every cell in your body and the first line of defense is healing the organs that sustain you! Heal every out of whack cell and life will reward you. 

Prov. 23:6 “Eat thou not the bread of him that hath an evil eye, neither desire thou his dainty meats:”