Monday, November 20, 2017

A Deadline Looming

Pss. 95:1-2 “O come, let us sing unto the Lord: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation. Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms.”

Deadline Looming

You might be wondering how I hold back the fear from creeping into my days and nights. You might also wonder how I can prove that fear doesn’t rule my being. Well for one, would I be able to sleep for eight hours a night if fear was leading me into bed? Would I be a happy-go-lucky face the day kind of gal if I allowed fear to run my days? That’s my proof right there and all the proof I need.

A year and a half. That’s what the oncologist gave me. His exact words were, “I give you about a year and a half to live without chemo.” I don’t know if that’s the type of fear he instills in all of his patients to get them to submit to slice, dice, drugs, and radiation, but in my eyes, it is a brutal fear tactic that wasn’t working on me.

Sure I wanted to crawl in a box and hide, never to be seen again but that was just my way of accepting this diagnosis, knowing full well I was not committing to what TWO oncologists wanted for me. The first oncologist pressed on my tumor and lymph nodes so hard, tears came to my eyes. It was a most painful exam. I had the bruises to prove that it was not a normal way of examining a person but when I complained I heard the ‘pffft’ sound as if my pain was being waved off.

The second oncologist spoke ill of my first oncologist saying, “she’s not right in the head.” This showed me that the only two oncologists in my area were vying for the money and would take great measures to work against one another. I don’t know if that is normal but I do know that BOTH were supposed to be working for ME, not the other way around. 

I set out on my adventure with just a canteen full of water and a backpack. The doctor’s and I had a parting of the ways since they felt I was killing myself and I thought they wanted to kill me, instead of helping me. That’s what it feels like out here in the middle of nowhere like my Lord and me are climbing a mountain alone. All I have is natural water from the stream and the fruits of the earth surrounding me on my journey. I’ve been climbing, step by step to get to the summit, the summit where I’ll declare I’m healed of this dastardly disease.

July 2018 is looming in the shadows, which is the year and a half mark, the mark that I’m still alive and thriving in LIFE. While I’ve lived my life grateful for every twist, every turn, every up and every down, this year is the one I’m most grateful for. I’ve had the chance to see who my true friends and family are that really care, I’ve had the luxury of losing weight that I didn’t even know I needed to lose! I’ve had the wake-up call of a lifetime and am being granted the opportunity to CHANGE! 

We wake up every day with a sunrise and a chance to change our lives. Some choose not to change, some choose to stay the same but will whine and complain consistently, some will wake and want to change but don’t know where to begin. I say have HOPE! There is hope in every aspect of life and if you can’t, won’t or don’t embrace HOPE, you are not embracing life or the chance to change for the better.

When the oncologist gave me a year and a half to live, I gave myself HOPE that only God gets to decide when I live or die. There are many people who choose to guide their own life, make their own decisions on which way to go. Me, I let God decide for me what path I take to reach the summit.

Many people walk in fear. When a doctor gives them an ultimatum, they have no choice but to believe what they say because they were raised to believe that the doctor would never lead them astray. As I watch with eyes wide open at an addicted and overweight nation, I pretty much can see that the doctors have led these people to slaughter. The doctor is choosing when the people will die and that is the bottom line. They hold lives in their hands and I’m not seeing a rise in success stories, I’m seeing a rise in deaths. 

I sometimes amaze myself with which the stamina I have in every waking day. I never wake and think of what can go wrong in the course of a day; I rise, put a few coals on the fire and face the seconds wrapped in the warmth of my Lord knowing each moment will be a day of gratefulness in living. I never allow fear to hold the reins of my life. 

When I view my life, I see black and white, pages and pages of paper with words on them filling in my life story. When I glance out at the world, I see a stack of blank pages. People are blank papers with no story, no gratitude, no life worth writing save for but a few.

I realized something yesterday as we were shopping for our Thanksgiving Day meal; there were stacks of blank pages all blowing in the wind as if a high-powered fan blew them into existence. People not concerned for the person in front of them or behind them, they were more concerned with what was in the palm of their hand, a technological tool that steals their soul and leaves them empty.

I came home from the store to find the gratitude I woke with. I have food, delicious earth formed food right at my fingertips. I have love and hope for every waking day. I’m thriving putting words to paper and living each day to what I deem worthy of ME! While the technology of my life may sit in the backseat for the next seven months, I’ll be driving the healing home where it belongs, thriving in me! This Thanksgiving I will celebrate being alive and eternally grateful for the chance to CHANGE all that has gone wrong inside of me and to face any fear by throwing hot coffee in its face! Take THAT! 

Pss. 23:4-6 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.”


Friday, November 17, 2017

The Holidays Approach

Job 22:21 “Acquaint now thyself with him, and be at peace: thereby good shall come unto thee.”

The Holidays Approach

I can hear the kitchen utensils clanging, I can envision the family get-togethers, I can almost inhale the food cooking in the ovens across America as we hurriedly prepare the holiday feast for the family. Yes, many prepare a week in advance!

As much as we’re a nation addicted to Big Pharma drugs we’re also an overweight nation addicted to food. As the holiday nears, this is the season where people overeat without guilt. They stuff their faces in the name of ‘it was there’ and as Christmas strolls around the twenty added pounds are already seen in the tighter belt and jeans. The guilt won’t be felt until January first when people make a haphazardly New Year resolution to lose all that was gained setting themselves up for a letdown when they fail.

I am one week away from my eleven-month mark. It’s the time of the month I mark another successful notch in my belt and sticking to my protocol that changed the shape, literally, of my future. The holidays will be more challenging than all eleven months together have been. It will be where his mom pushes ham balls and fudge brownies in his face for his upcoming birthday, and where the family gets together to celebrate the Christmas day meal. 

Since they put a halt to exchanging gifts, that is all Christmas day is anymore, a day of food and family gathering. It’s not like we haven’t spent MANY occasions with the family this year (funeral, wedding, visits) So, the only reason I see celebrating Christmas this year is that I’m alive! And I am ever so grateful for having been allowed these eleven months to change me! I have a lifetime of gratitude, to confine my gratefulness to thirty-days seems menial to me after finding I have a disease that would’ve shattered many.

Please don’t rag on me how December 25th is Jesus’ birthday and a just cause to celebrate the day. Christmas is a pagan holiday set in stone by man. Factually, Jesus’ birthday has been somewhat proven that it didn’t take place in December and hence the reason I don’t celebrate Christmas as Jesus’ birthday. It’s a day not much unlike Thanksgiving, a day of family, food, and gratitude. To each his own. 

While I see my husband trying to change also with his toxic soda consumption, and him wanting to take his own vitamin supplements, we as a family here are embracing change; that is until the family get-together. My hubby will be weak against the wiles of his family as they intimidate him with delicious food. I can’t expect him to be as strong as I am and seriously, I don’t think there are many people who could hold out on sugar consumption (among other things) for eleven months. I’ve been quite impressed with my willpower this year. Where was I hiding all of these years?

I will need all of my armor to face these next thirty-five days and beyond. Instead of stressing over the visit with family, I’m preparing what meal I will take with me on Christmas day like a mega salad with all the fixins and I’m sure the hosts will understand that I had to bring my own dish if they want us there. I’m also preparing what I’ll make for the carnivores of my family and for me on Thanksgiving! I’ll have a rainbow of vegetables and they’ll have meat and potatoes, easy peasy.

I might even try to attempt a modified pumpkin pie with coconut milk and stevia. My only cheat of the year just might be the flour crust. I won’t have the added cool-whip but there is no reason the guys can’t, that’s if they even attempt to eat a modified pie.

Another challenge I’ll face is having a stress free holiday. I sometimes let the smallest of things bother me but this year I am selfishly focusing on ME and my continued healing, in this scenario there is no room for stress. As the month unfolds there seems to be a lot of stress-less events taking place already; it’s as if God knows me so well he’s already set in place the good things that need to happen to keep me stress-free. I’ll elaborate at a later date but for now…I’m off to have me a screen less stress-free day! 

God bless one and all! 

Pss. 4:8 “I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.”

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Fight the Good Fight

1 Tim. 6:12 “Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also 
called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.”

Fight the Good Fight

Since I gave myself permission to use the word FIGHT, not as a negative but as a positive, this statement came to mind, ‘Fight the good fight!’ Usually when something comes to mind more often than not it is from the bible and sure enough, I dug around to find where the term comes from, the term is found in Timothy 6:12!

I need to find a peace in my use of the word fight. I’m not using the word, fight, in anger as if I’m mad at this disease that is in my body waging war; no I’m fighting the good fight. As a child, I always fought for what I believed in going against my parents, Catholicism, and any other form of opposition that rose against me. And believe me, my entire life has been a battle; the war didn’t begin with the sudden appearance of this affliction. 

In my eyes, complete internal and external healing can only take place by the individual person, not by a drug dealer. An open wound may need a surgeon but your chronic illnesses need an all-over healing that is not going to take place with drugs. When you decide to go the homeopathic route, you need to tend to your damage by taking good care of you. You need to go deep within yourself to heal portions that you thought were dead and buried and are often found in the abysmal caverns of your soul.

Digging into your childhood to find those old wounds that made you feel broken need to be mended, not just stitched up or pacified but HEALED. Find the cause of your sickness that stemmed from your inability to handle any adversity that boiled but you left the stew on simmer thinking the problem would just go away or eventually evaporate. As you get older and one crippling illness after another creeps up on you, look to your past. 

As I was growing up, my body told me that I have a built-in defense mechanism. This mechanism rears its head on life’s path as disease/illness and healing. I can go back to my early childhood and peek in the window of my past and see what the cause of each illness I had, from mumps to strep throat to mononucleosis and onto psoriasis and other ailments like arthritis. All of those illnesses rose from an unnatural childhood. There was alcoholism, drug use, being bullied and sexual abuse. These evil elements manifested in my ill health. My immune system was basically fighting the good fight against the enemy. A condition surfaced because I was not winning the battle against abuse to my mind, body and my spirit. The affliction was my immune system kicking into overdrive to defend and wake me up. Either I was too young to take care of myself and listen to what my body was saying, or I was just too blind to see.

When this recent malady came upon me, I knew first and foremost what needed to be done. I needed to look within myself, go on a spiritual journey and heal from within. As I’ve said over and over since January there is more to this attack on my body than just popping pills, radiate, slice and dice to heal; the disease is an attempt to awaken you. You need to bring your mind into sync with your inner cogs. It’s called a WAKE-UP call, so to speak.

I’ve never depended on doctors in my life. They, to me, believe egotistically that they are gods and demand submission. Doctor’s are opinionated, meaning they are right and you are wrong. The scare tactic is the tone of your diagnosis from the heavy voice of your doctor.
“Well sir, you have (fill in your illness), I can give you (name a drug) for that. We’ll take some tests and let you know what more we can do for you.” (Prescribe more scripts) How many of you just nodded your head in agreement? Granted there are a rare few who actually listen to YOU. I’ve not found one since my one pediatrician back in the day but I know they’re out there.

When was the last time you went to the doctor and they offered healing? Not surgery, drugs and medication, real healing sending you to a naturopath, holistic healer anything but offer you fear and drugs. Can you answer that, honestly?

You walk into the doc’s office with a pain in your back. “Okay ma’am/sir, we’re going to schedule you for some x-rays and an MRI but here is a pain medication to hold you over.” First, they ask you about allergies and such and you give them the answer but don’t really know yourself if you’re allergic to the new synthetic drugs, but hey, you take the pill and find out because the doctor said so.

After getting fancy tests, he informs you that you might need surgery. That is a fear tactic used over and over again. After you break out in hives and vomit, he then tells you that you might be having an allergic reaction to the pills he gave you. He then proceeds to give you a different one. Does he EVER tell you about the side effects you might experience? Does he read the fine print to you? You know, liver damage, heart palpitations, a rise in blood pressure, or suicidal tendencies? Of course not, it’s a wait-and-see what works. Most doctor offices are paid to prescribe, not to heal. How many of you are being hounded to get a flu vaccine? One that has been untested on the flu virus of the season.

The above scenario is the exact instance that happened to my dad, right up until the day he died. Now my mother is being led down that same path with type2 diabetes. She’s on ten pills and was told to watch her sugar intake, that’s it! She was never told about watching out for the processed foods or the toxicity of meats, or how the GMO’s could make her illness worse, no, just take some pills and call me when problems arise.

I cannot in good conscience listen to the doctor when I have an Almighty Healer prescribing me herbs and fruits of the earth. He whispers to me and I hear what He is telling me. Now I’m not saying that YOU should do or hear the same thing as me, we are all uniquely individual and programmed differently. I just don’t believe that drugs are the end all-cure all of this addicted society. As I take, ‘Fight the Good Fight’, consciously, physically, and spiritually I find a healing peace wash over me because His Power is made Perfect my weakness!

All praise and Glory to God!

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” 2 Corinthians 12:9a (NIV)


Monday, November 13, 2017

My D-Day

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! … And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4, 7 (NIV)

My D-Day

It was a life-altering diagnosis, to say the least. January 25, 2017, will be forever ingrained in my head. My D-day, the day of diagnosis; the pain-filled moments, the buckets of tears, the burden of fears. But wait, out of the somber ashes rose life, promise, hope, and change. What happened? How did I do a 360-degree shift in my ways and thinking? 

I read an email this morning and this is a pastor who received news that his father had the dreaded C. He buckled, he caved but then he prayed and praised. What comes over people in the midst of grief that they feel the need to turn to God? I can’t speak for anyone else but I know why I turned to God because He is my life. He’s not just a pie in the sky man in the clouds, He is my Father and the one I turn to when life seems to be going wrong and even when everything in life is going right. 

Pastor Chris on his father - “His treatment successfully eradicated the disease from his body. However, the cancer returned the following year, and my beloved father passed away a few months later.”

Just like the Pastor, I relied on God then, now and always. My Father’s Words showered over me to comfort me, to carry me, to strengthen me and yes, to heal me! I came home on that brisk cold January day with God pressing on my heart. As the boxes of used Kleenex filled the trashcan I was being comforted in a way I can only describe as a mystical experience because it didn’t feel like a normal everyday event if felt supernatural from a Holy Spirit I had come to depend on, know and trust with every aspect of my life.

2 Tim. 4:18 “And the Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me unto his heavenly kingdom: to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” (KJV)

As I read the email I kept hearing in my head, eradicated but returned. Over and over the truth of the matter was the very essence that kept me strong when I myself was diagnosed and going against what the doctors wanted for me. Many of my aunts and uncles, lost their fight with the battle because it was eradicated only to return until they eventually succumbed. This was not going to be my battle.

My D day was not my death sentence day, not my diagnosis of death, it was my Day of Deliverance! I was set free from the chains of toxicity. I gained intimate insight of the traumatic illness that had taken over my body. Life was breathed into my nostrils as the tears dried and the fight became a war that was attacking from inside and out. Someone else in my family was not going to war on this ailment; I was chosen to go into battle because God knew I was little but I was the chosen one to handle the life-altering battle that came knocking on my door. I felt very much like the way David must have felt coming face-to-face with a giant and his only arsenal a slingshot.

1 Sam. 17:45 “David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. 47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

The BC group I’m a part of says not to use words like war or fight because they have negative connotations but to me, they are the Words that God gave me to use on this journey. I’m not playing poker here. I’m not skipping through daffodils. I’m fighting for my life and everyone else that comes after me who is scared and shaken into submission by the Giant Doc/Pharma. I have to keep in mind that not everyone is serving the same Lord that I listen to and serve. I’ve also learned in ten months not to listen to other people and all of their protocols because every single one is different. Opinions are different, protocols are different and each disease is different. We have to differentiate what supplements and health food work for us individually.

Ex. 14:14 “The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”

That would be the same group of ladies who said not to bring God to their facebook page. While I like reading what protocols they are using in their journey, I respect that they are all healing in their own way and worship different entities. I’ve come to realize that I have something more powerful in my arsenal than most of them have and that is a bag of rocks and my Almighty Father's Healing Words. 

Josh. 23:10 “One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is that fighteth for you, as he hath promised you.”

I have impassioned friends who support me on this journey and those that have turned their back. Does that sound familiar to you? If you’re a believer it might, if not, then you are nothing short of the doubting Thomas’ in today’s society. To me the words war and fight doesn’t hold negativity, it holds promise! The very promise that my God filled me with on My D-Day and every day moving forward.

All praise and Glory to God my Healing Savior

Friday, November 10, 2017

Standing Strong

Prov. 24:10 "If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small."

Standing Strong 

Without even being aware of what tension would rise I thought a writing course would be a good soothing exercise. I thought wrong. I love writing for my blog as much as I can and it feels therapeutic. I’ve been moving along at a nice pace as healing is taking place. Feeling good about myself I wanted a distraction via a fiction-writing course from all the illness talk. I realized I don’t know how to separate my fact from fiction.

The writing course claims that you should have a completed fictional SHORT STORY by the end of six lessons. I’ve taken this course many times over the years so I knew what to expect, expect the unexpected I thought heading into the course. What I didn’t expect was a classroom of five to seven people working on their novels in progress. Writers are awesome people, as diverse as a bag of Skittles even more diverse when they’re mixed with a bag of M&M’s! 

I decided to center my SHORT STORY on Faith and Hope, characters of a fictional tale but too close to my nonfiction story for my taste. I realized I didn’t like writing fiction at all. I do have an entire novel sitting in my files untouched for years, still nestled in the first draft stages. I also have a couple of short stories in my files that I won’t take the time to send them through the rigors of being picked apart by critique. I did learn a lot this round of taking this course. Everything I taught at one time being a mentor was dismantled, I watched my work being shredded not guided in any way. I wound up rewriting my short story for a final revision and it lost all the poetic substance of the entire tale. To me, my story became do-do on a shoe.

Tension, that only I knew was taking place, began about the third week. I wanted to drop the course but I also really wanted to complete the beloved class where I originally met so many of my current dear friends thirteen years ago. I continued on being the trooper that I am until I finally completed the sixth lesson of my short story.

I wondered why I set myself up for this adversity but it’s not much unlike when I post something on facebook to get a reaction when it’s the reaction I don’t like, I tend to tense up completely. Why do I bother? That is exactly what I felt like by lesson six, why did I bother? Let me give you a bit of advice, when taking a trip down memory lane don’t expect the same sensation you felt originally. The memory is in the past for a reason, it is over and done with and cannot be recreated in any way, shape or form. Lesson learned.

I was taught that if you’re going to say something negative about someone’s work, reinforce it with something positive. I didn’t feel much of anything positive coming through my screen. The feeling may have just been my tension build-up and I, not wanting to continue, reflected the negativity I saw. In other words, it was more than likely just my irritated mind arousing the tension.

What did I learn from this session of the writing course? Anything goes. You can work on your novel in progress and you’ll receive pats on the back for defying what the true intention of the SHORT STORY course is about. You’ll be rewarded for going against the grain. You’ll be held accountable for not understanding proper punctuation and you might even feel shamed into taking a punctuation course so your writing can get better. Your words will be pulled apart like shredded cheese and tossed on the floor for you to pick up the pieces and put back together.

So basically my writing sucks. THIS is why I’m sticking to my blog writing! Fiction is not for me at this juncture in my life. Nonfiction writing whether misspelled or punctuated wrong on my blog is MY journal style writing that releases my tension and saves me days and weeks of unnecessary pressure. I thought I was ready for open criticism but I think I still have a way to go.

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." 
~ Albert Einstein

Yesterday to release a ton of tension I went shopping. As anyone who knows me knows that I’m not a person who splurges on things. These past ten months my main purchases were vitamins, organic vegetables, three pairs of pants from the Goodwill and that’s about it. I’ve never acquired a taste for spending money. I wouldn’t say I’m a miser, I just like to purchase necessities over extravagances.

My mother sent me a Christmas gift back in October and she told me to buy myself something nice. You also know that my mother has no idea I’m fighting this illness. My first thought was to use the money in my fight of this disease but yesterday I woke, putting on my twenty-five-year-old winter shoes, I realized I never splurge and buy myself anything. With hubby off of work, I asked him if he wanted to go shopping and off we went. I bought two pairs of winter shoes/boots and eight nonfiction books all for sixty bucks! I’m a frugal shopper. Yay, me!

Shopping, reading nonfiction, and coloring in my adult-aged coloring books I received last Christmas released much of my tension. I am now once again on a recovering path. I think I’ll just stick to my journal style writing for a while. Just so you know, I’ve had diaries all of my life and not once did I concern myself with restructuring, grammar etiquette or revisions. I wrote to release tension and that is what I’m going to continue on my blog. Thanks for any and all understanding.

Prov. 19: 25 "Smite a scorner, and the simple will beware: and reprove one that hath understanding, and he will understand knowledge."

Thursday, November 09, 2017

My Survival

Luke 12:15 "And he said unto them, Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth."


My survival will be the life of me and the eventual death of me. I strive every waking day to be a vibrant life force in the world but sometimes my immediate surroundings and events throw a pebble into the smooth running cog. One minute I’m a peppy go-getter ready to tackle the world and in the blink of an eye I can turn and wonder what all this struggle is for, what purpose and to what end.  I read something yesterday about this path in life being the path we were destined to be on, good and bad, it is our path laid out for us. I know where the path leads but getting there is no walk in the park, that’s for sure.

I really feel sorry for the folks skipping down the path on their merry way thinking this is all that there is and just keep going until they hit a dead end. They neither care for the in-betweens, are blind to the beginning and end of the line, or they just can’t be bothered, they’re here to live and die. Well, that sounds like a fulfilling life.

Had it not been for this disease, I would still be skipping down the path, if truth be told. I would’ve never had a reason to fight to stay alive but this illness brought me to a juncture in my path and colored it with purpose. I’m not staying alive for anyone around me, that to me is pointless, I’m surviving for the end of the line, where I meet the face of Jesus. All this in between stuff is to show you the strength and determination that resides in people with a purposeful end-of-the-line view. 

My sister had an incident a couple of weeks ago where her outside electric box was shooting sparks. Fearing for the loss of everything she began gathering pictures and stuff that had meaning to her. The fire department came and said the electric company would have to come out and put a new box in. My sister, needless to say, slept in her car with her stuff until the next day when the electric company came. 

Maybe it is just me who is unattached to stuff but I thought if something like that happened to me, I’d grab my writing. I couldn’t think of anything else, nothing came to mind. On Sunday when we went to see his family, I looked around at the hundreds of pictures lining the walls. This family is all about pictures. When we were getting ready to literally walk out the door we were stopped by the words, “Let’s get a picture.” The picture wanted was not of hubby and me but of all of those who were there.

Four different people wanted pictures (I wasn’t one of them) and we had to stand and allow four different cameras to click a shot. Twenty minutes later we were finally heading out the door. I scratch my head thinking what is it? I don’t like my picture being taken for one, and also, there is more to life than pictures. Sure you get a snapshot of a memory but what for? To possess, to brag, boast and share? I don’t get it. You can never relive those moments and the best of the moments are stored in your memory, do people really need the physical picture? Is that what is important in life?

My point being in all of this is that people cling to the darndest of things. The materials we acquire in life are not going with us when we die. I don’t even know if our memories go with us. We move on and all of this is left behind, that is what I work every day for, the end of the line. Not for what is here and now, not for memories and pictures but of the life and the world I will live in when I pass. I guess I’m weird like that. I don’t cling to materials.

Words, not pictures, matter most to me. When I pass, my family will scarcely find pictures of me. They’ll look at the pictures they dig up, weep and cry for what WAS, what they missed, and what they didn’t get to see. The image will not tell my story by any means but if they scan my words, they’ll get the entire picture of who I AM! The images will show I lived, I died, but my words, they will enter your soul and you will FEEL me long after I go! This is one of the very reasons for my need for survival, to leave something worth reading behind. One picture is worth a thousand words but my words will hold millions of pictures.

I pray each and every one of you are touched and blessed by my words! My purpose will be fulfilled. All praise and Glory to God! 

Matt. 6:33 "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

Wednesday, November 08, 2017

Paranoia II

Prov. 13:17 “A wicked messenger falleth into mischief: but a faithful ambassador is health.”

Paranoia II

Sometimes when I begin writing I veer off topic and go in a whole other direction. Like yesterdays post, I wanted to write about the paranoia that seeps into everything I’m doing. If someone comments on a post I’m trying to share I get defensive when they don’t agree with me and they go off in their own direction in what they believe. My apologies, but that just does not work for me.

What I’m trying to do here is unconventional on so many levels, I don’t expect people to rally behind me and say go for it but I also don’t expect them to jump down my throat and berate me with why I’m wrong. I will refrain from sharing on facebook the doctors and websites that I read from and follow because more times than not it’s pointed out that it is a fake news site, the doctor’s are wrong because the medical world does not agree with their unconventional ways, or that I’m just a crazy woman. Well, that one I can agree on.

I’ve just deleted hundreds of emails because most were trying to feed my paranoid state. Topics covered were thyroid, diabetes, heart disease and the list goes on. Topics also include why the water I shower with is toxic, why this one vegetable is not good if I’m fighting the C, or why chemtrails are making everyone sick. The emails feed my paranoia as does the toxic invaders.

Anyone who is following my journey on a daily basis knows what I am going through. I have some people who come in and comment off the cuff and think I’m fighting a simple illness like the flu and want to discuss the ramifications of NOT getting a flu shot. I’m sorry people, I do not believe in the flu shot, vaccines, or anything the medical community tosses out for human consumption. If you read me daily, you’ll understand and know why! The pharmaceutical corporations lead doctors; their pocketbooks are lined by an addicted nation that THEY contribute to daily.

When I point out that the medical community knows nothing about nutrition I’m met with a person's statistics on the reasoning why they are okay with doctors pushing drugs, or how there is one doctor in a big city that knows about nutrition. You see what I’m saying? That one doctor is not helping ME, or the ones I turn to and read on a regular basis. I guess me spewing where I get my information is not syncing with you or the Harvard medical community as a whole.

I’m basically alone in my journey and I’m okay with that. I’m living in a world of people addicted to drugs, legal and illegal drugs mind you. Those people are as defensive of their drugs as I am in fighting for what I believe in. I don’t agree with you that every pill you pop is necessary just as you don’t agree that cancer can be fought and won with NUTRITION! Again, I’m okay with what you believe in but please don’t try and sway me from what I believe in just for argument's sake.

In January when I got this diagnosis the medical community worked hard as nails to instill FEAR in me. I being the warrior and rebel that I am, gently asked for time and they put kid gloves on and knocked me out of the ballpark, dropping me like a hot potato because their income just went out the door with me. They quickly moved on to the next uninformed cancer patient. Did they ever call me to see how I’m doing? NO, they could care less. All they care about is their money! I have proof as they quickly sent me to a collection agency for bills unpaid. I sent money to them but they returned it because they want the FULL payment, not a mere portion at a time. THAT is the medical community that YOU bow down to!

While I am out here feeling great, eating well and am on the road to healing, they still have the hold of paranoia on me in trying to bully me into paying for tests that THEY forced me into! In my distress of being informed of a death sentence, they wheeled me into one test after another knowing full well that the tests could cause the spread of the disease. But if I tell anyone in the medical world of this, they scoff and shrug, they are right and I am wrong. I don’t have legitimate sources or twenty years of 'studies' to back me up.

While I have changed everything I cook, eat, drink and wear, I’m still met with people who disagree with my choice in this journey. I am still being hit with a barrage of information that essentially feeds my paranoia. I have to watch every bite of food going in my mouth and the way it’s cooked no microwave or Teflon cookware for me. I read every label, I buy organic when I can, and feel paranoid when I can’t and allow it to still pass through my mouth. To me, that is cheating! If it is not organic and intricately scrutinized, I feel I’m cheating myself.

No, I haven’t cheated on the sugar intake in nine months. I bend a little on the carbohydrates but only because the first six months of strictly fruits and vegetables has passed. I now allow lentils and some (organic) beans, gluten free, grain free bread and still allow only coconut milk and coconut oil. Only free-range chickens and eggs are allowed on occasion, definitely not a daily basis because of the methionine content. And I have found that the only processed food I can eat sparingly is organic soups and chili. That’s it, but I am eating and happy with every bite I might add. 

With Thanksgiving nearing, I’m thinking of a meal for me and one for the carnivores of the house. While the guys will eat the normal meal of turkey and mashed potatoes, I might try a zucchini medley for me. The aroma will wipe me off of my feet and I may find myself sulking as no biscuits and gravy for me unless I can find something organic I can sink my teeth into. But as with everything else, I’m over thinking and allowing a little paranoia to venture its way into my assertiveness.

I am so glad that from day one of my diagnosis I was led right to The Truth About Cancer and Chris Wark and every doctor they’re affiliated with. It was no coincidence, as I don’t believe in coincidence. It could have been me manifesting my wishes in beating this disease alternatively but I would rather believe that I was led there by my FAITH and trust in God!

I am a Christian soldier, marching as to war, with the cross of Jesus, going on before! This fight is far from over. As with many other wars, this one can’t be won in a couple months or a year, this one will take years but I am up to the challenging battle. One day I’ll even be open to discussions where I can debate who is right and who is wrong but I’m not there yet. I’m coming up on my one year since diagnosis on January 25th, and two years since I felt the prominent lump in December. So you see, this battle is far from over and that is why continued prayer will carry me to victory.

3 John 1:2 “Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.”

May God bless the believers and non-believers alike!

Tuesday, November 07, 2017

Paranoia Won't Win

Pss. 3:8 “Salvation belongeth unto the LORD: thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah”

Paranoia Won’t Win

The holiday season is slowly creeping up on us. While Sunday the fifth was a family event for me, it was basically a prelude to what I can expect at the family get together for Christmas this year.

I think I can say without a doubt that this year has been a year filled with paranoia where toxins, food, and family are concerned. Oddly enough (or maybe not) my faith hasn’t been shaken as I fight for my life out here in the real world. I am more concerned with the food that’s being served at get-togethers and being around his family who might have questions, but paranoia didn’t win in the end. I shrugged off the anxiety and faced the people and event head-on.

When we walked in the door on Sunday, the aroma began its assault on me but didn’t break me. Society breaks me more than the family gathering ever can. Empty plates spread out on the tables and the attendees just finishing up, now in the chatting mode as laughter could be heard throughout. When we walked further into the house, his aunt asked me if I wanted something to eat and I kindly said, no thank you, we had already eaten. My hubby wasn’t hungry either as he ate a nice big cinnamon bun before we left our house. He’s been trying so hard to cut back on soda, sugar, and sweets that he turned down the brownies that his mother offered him until she placed them right in front of his face and kept asking over and over if he wanted any until he buckled. The man cannot refuse his mother. No means no goes right out the window.

The only one that opened the discussion on my health was his cherubic aunt. She is eighty years old but looking at her wrinkleless face, you’d never know her age. I’m telling you, my face has more wrinkles and age than her beautiful smooth face. She has the face that I’d imagine that of an angel having, it also helps that she reminds me of one of my grade school nuns. She drives down to Nebraska from Sioux Falls South Dakota to see her family a couple times a year!

She wasn’t intrusive, she was compassionate and I have no problem at all telling her how my protocol is going and all that I’m doing to keep myself alive. She is very supportive and agrees with everything I’ve done so far and will continue to do. She told me she prays for me every night and adds me to her church prayer list weekly. 

I realized something this weekend. I have an iron will! After being bombarded with what I should and shouldn’t eat for nine months, gently nudged with every beat cancer newsletter out there, with aromas abounding from every direction, I’m being, to me, brutally attacked by the toxic invasion.

Speaking of toxic invasion, I use my writing as a safe haven. My blog is my corner of the world that no one can bully me into submission. I write what I want and when I want, typos and grammar shreds to pieces in my hands and I don’t give a flying fig! If people worried as much about their health as they do my grammar incapability, I imagine they’d be pictures of health. I’m out here fighting for my life and you’re worried about a run-on sentence, a missing comma, and lousy punctuation? Honestly, I think you need more help than me. Just saying.

I write my blog as a journal. I share my blog so people can see what I’m going through and maybe in some small way help just one person to change their life. I’m not writing to be published, I’m writing for ME, to share with YOU, and hoping along the way, you see a glorious God working in me. That’s it, that is all I’m doing.

I think I may just need a break, from writing, from sharing, and basically from the world. God has given me the strength to get through this year; He has helped me decipher the positive from the negative. He’s given me loving caring friends who walk this walk with me and had it not been for them, I don’t feel I could muster the strength to get through all of the paranoia that invades my comfy zone.

I have changed so much this year, inside and out. I’ve allowed paranoia to try and take hold of me like the toxic everything that surrounds me. I am gently moving into what is good for Joni phase as I weed out the ‘I don’t need that phase’ and what OTHERS want for me. This journey is about ME. If your doctor wants to load you up on drugs and you take it all in like candy, good for you. Me, I am adamant about not accepting drugs as a normal way of living. I’m on a journey of health. If that offends you or makes you cringe, I’ll pray for you, it’s all I can do at this time.

I told my niece this weekend, “I feel great! I feel alive!” She asked me what I was drinking. I said I’m high on life! For four years I could barely walk, I was, many days, walking with a cane, unbalanced and depressed that my life was descending into a bottomless pit. God pulled me out of that pit with CANCER! While some see that diagnosis as a death sentence, I see it as a life sentence. I will have this illness for the rest of my life, but I am embracing the change of seasons not being swept out by fear and paranoia. God has granted me the STRENGTH to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, CHANGE the things I CAN, and the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE! (and no, I never went to A.A.) 

As God has abundantly blessed me on this journey may He bless you also on your journey. 

Pss. 24:5 “He shall receive the blessing from the LORD, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.”

Sunday, November 05, 2017

Poetry Sunday - Death Came Knocking

Job 12:22 He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death.

Death Came Knocking

Slithering like a snake to tap
Tap tap on my shoulder unaware
I didn’t care if it bit, it bit me where
I never dared to see the color of death

From the icy clouds, it fell like snow
You know the kind, ice stings it binds
The flow, flowing down it fell it found
To skin be bound without a sound

Spray with waves crashing dashing
The mist sits as beads on my fist
I feel not real among the bliss of this
That walks along the path I kiss

Depart from me the cloak that came
Over me like falling rain, my tears not pain
To be me again as death came knocking
The clock tic tocking to remain the same

Saturday, November 04, 2017

Quotation Saturday ~ Health

Pss. 105:35 “And did eat up all the herbs in their land, and devoured the fruit of their ground.”


“Whatever condition we are in, we must always do what we want to do, and if we want to go on a journey, then we must do so and not worry about our condition, even if it's the worst possible condition, because, if it is, we're finished anyway, whether we go on the journey or not, and it's better to die having made the journey we've been longing for than to be stifled by our longing.” 
― Thomas Bernhard

“The question is not how to get cured, but how to live.” 
― Joseph Conrad

“I seem to myself, as in a dream,
An accidental guest in this dreadful body.” 
― Anna Akhmatova

“A poet should be so crafty with words that he is envied even for his pains.” 
― Criss Jami


“People tend to be generous when sharing their nonsense, fear, and ignorance. And while they seem quite eager to feed you their negativity, please remember that sometimes the diet we need to be on is a spiritual and emotional one. Be cautious with what you feed your mind and soul. Fuel yourself with positivity and let that fuel propel you into positive action.” 
― Steve Maraboli

“The individual who says it is not possible should move out of the way of those doing it.” 
― Tricia Cunningham

“No disease that can be treated by diet should be treated with any other means.” 
― Maimonides

“He who cures a disease may be the skillfullest, but he that prevents it is the safest physician.” 
― Thomas Fuller


“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” 
― Hippocrates

“People use drugs, legal and illegal, because their lives are intolerably painful or dull. They hate their work and find no rest in their leisure. They are estranged from their families and their neighbors. It should tell us something that in healthy societies drug use is celebrative, convivial, and occasional, whereas among us it is lonely, shameful, and addictive. We need drugs, apparently, because we have lost each other.” 
― Wendell Berry

“If we are creating ourselves all the time, then it is never too late to begin creating the bodies we want instead of the ones we mistakenly assume we are stuck with.” 
― Deepak Chopra

“Usually, we believe that our pain is a misfortune that needs to be fixed, but in fact, all pain (physical, mental, and emotional) is a necessary step towards becoming conscious.” 
― Mada Eliza Dalian

Friday, November 03, 2017

Food, Food, Food

Pss. 104:14 “He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle, and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth;”

Food, Food, Food

I think I need to clarify something for my readers, FOOD! Food is not a problem for me anymore, I’m enjoying this forced protocol more than I ever have in these past nine months, my problem is, and I’m WORKING ON IT, is being around festive happy carnivores eating the meal offered as if they hadn’t eaten in weeks, shoveling food into their mouths, getting a second huge helping, then adding a sweet scrumptious dessert to their faces. Then listening to them complain about their weight and how they need to shed some pounds.

Scents conjure images and memories for me. Have you ever walked into a church with polished wood and marble floors and an image or memory floods the mind? Ever walk into a library and the aroma of thousands of books smack you in the face bringing back memories of the good old days when libraries were the actual source of information? Ever walk into a bakery and your mouth begins to water, then scanning the shelves your stomach begins churning, craving the delectable sweet? THIS is the problem I have, memories! I don’t get to decide when they’re turned on and turning them off isn’t a trait I’ve acquired yet.

No, I do not miss the food I used to eat. I’m really doing well on passing up gobs of macaroni and cheese, bread and mayonnaise and the occasional meat that went through the doors to my stomach. I wish I had changed my diet sooner but I didn’t really care because never having a weight problem, the food tasted good.

I was never a big meat eater; I usually ate meat when in a family gathering, meat and potatoes were all that was offered and I never went for dessert. While desserts smelled good and looked tasty, I was never a big partaker of sweets either. So no, I don’t miss meats and sweets.

I think, not sure, what I miss is camaraderie. Food brings people together. Think about it, you go food shopping once a week, you’re all gathered in the store doing the same thing buying food for your family. In that one moment, you are mingling with people with like agendas, satisfying your family. What has happened in my family is separateness. Adam shops and buys his food, hubby buys his meats, eggs, and potatoes and me I hit the veggie section.

Then there are the separate dinners; Adam makes his food, hubby makes his or I put it on for him and my meal is totally different. And we no longer sit at the table together. Adam likes watching his phone, hubby and I watch reruns of old TV shows on his computer and it feels like in this year, we’re all going in different directions where once we had unity, togetherness. Adam has also chosen to work on Thanksgiving. I’m okay with that because I don’t have any plans anyway.

Memories - my memories of childhood were of us, never eating together as a family, we all did our own thing. Don’t get me wrong, my mother made some delicious meals and when I was old enough, I’d start the meals in a slow cooker and basically it was a first come, first serve basis, grab a TV table and go plop in front of the television. Unless it was Thanksgiving, that was the day we all ate together as a family, even my father joined us at the table.

Maybe during this season, I’m melancholy, not depressed, and yes I do know the difference. I only get depressed because of the deaths that have invaded my holidays. That could just be melancholy too. The holidays elicit feelings, aromas give rise to memories, sights and sounds awaken the melancholy beings that we are. Gatherings make me think of family and togetherness.

Yes, I could cheat and eat my heart out for just one day, but wouldn’t that defeat all that I’ve accomplished in nine months? My stomach is different now; it reacts to foods going down the tube differently. Meat turns my stomach, sugars churn the cells inside and they react to what I place in my mouth. Cheating is only cheating myself, no one else. I don’t eat to please others, I eat to survive, just like everyone else, except my choices of food, are quite different in my survival mindset.

I’ll go on with the holiday as my happy-go-lucky self. When people ask how I’m doing I’ll tell them fine, if they ask questions I’ll smile and tell them I’m not really up to a Q & A session. I just want to visit and enjoy their company and being the Walton clan I see them as, they’ll understand, go on with the day and enjoy their non-heart healthy meal. It is THEIR life, not mine. I live to seek eternity while others live to basically die. I’m finding that there is more to life than eating, living and dying.

1 Tim. 6:8 “And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.”

“God Bless Everyone”

Thursday, November 02, 2017

Season of Depression

Gen. 26:30 “And he made them a feast, and they did eat and drink.”

The Season of Depression

The holidays are slowly creeping into the next two months, rendering many people depressed, more depressed than what they normally experience throughout the year. Thanksgiving and Christmas are supposed to be times of celebrations, times with family and houses filled with aromas of turkey, ham, apple pies and often, pumpkin pies. Imagine what its like for people who have no family, or who lost their family it can be one of the most suicidal depressing times of the year. Imagine the season as someone with an illness that renders them vegetarian (omnivore) surrounded by carnivorous beasts! 

On October 27 I marked my ninth month since this diagnosis that turned my world upside down. While I’ve always been a grateful person I find it hard to be grateful living with this disease that changed my world while everyone else around me basically stays the same. The 29th of October marked two years since my father’s passing and well, I found myself hurting when I didn’t need to be. I know he’s in a better place but I was hurting more for myself as his death took on the role of permanency. The first year, you mourn more for your mom and her pains but the second year you allow yourself to mourn your pain over the loss.

Then November sprung into action and that means family time. My family is all back home preparing or mourning in their own way not even giving me a second thought, so that hurts somewhat. Then there are the celebrations going on here where I live now, the place I’ve called home for almost nine years now. How I, the girl from the wrong side of the tracks, who rode the dysfunction junction her whole life, winded up with what I deem the Walton clan, the most perfect family in my eyes!

Yes, I know no family is perfect and yes this family has its hidden flaws but one thing they are, a family and everything that those families in the Rockwell paintings portray, get-togethers, gatherings, food, more food, love, and laughter. Although in my eyes, this family is short on the laughter. They do try but it comes off as mechanical and not real. Imagine Joni, always the laugh-a-thon-go-to-gal being plopped right into this more serious than normal family. Just imagine the challenges I have to face! (giggle giggle)

I’ve had to adjust my sails, so to speak, over the years to fit into this quiet, laid-back family. This year as you can imagine has been one of my most challenging years yet as the family has questions about my illness, about my decision in healing this disease, a decision they may or may not agree or approve of, I don’t know, it’s hard to read passive indecisive people.

Here’s an example, a couple of weeks ago my son gets a PM from his aunt (by marriage). It was a group private message asking the kids (fully grown kids with jobs) to take the day off  of work on November 5th so she could get a family photo session because a brother was coming in from Arizona with his wife and three kids and she thought it was a good idea and was making plans in advance.

My husband and I heard of this get-together at his moms a week ago, when she said she hoped we could make it to the gathering and that she’d ‘make me fruit’ non-organic, she retorted. I said I would try since I have good days and bad days, I never know how I’ll feel. 
“Well they’ll be here all week,” she offered, “but I hope you can really make it for the family get together.”
You see there? That is pressure (stress) I don’t ask for but it is slung at me anyway. I’m NOT a passive person and I’m like no! But his Walton family assumes we want to be a part of the happy, happy, love, joy event. And actually, my husband DOES want to see his brother he never gets to see (understandably so) and I, the good wife will support my husband with whatever he decides. Is passivity rubbing off on me? EGADS!

Needless to say, this year, I haven’t looked forward to these events but more times than not, I over think the situation and all turns out fine. Yeah, I wind up with unnecessary stress. But hey, it’s just me, the in-law. Believe it or not, these get-togethers only make me miss my family back home more, and the stress rises because I know that is not feasible. Visiting back home will not happen in my lifetime and what would I return to, a non-caring group of people I knew my whole life? Yeah, it’s not worth the stress.

So we’re back to the depression season. I’m grateful I landed in a loving family that actually knows what the term means. I’m grateful I get to celebrate another Christmas with these folks even if it is for food, food that I will have to watch them shovel in their mouths as I sit away from them trying to act like I’m enjoying myself. I have mixed emotions about this Sunday's event also when the family convenes.

In nine months I have aged ten years and appear very thin and gaunt. I don’t WANT my picture taken but as much as this family is about food and get-togethers, they’re about pictures, hundreds of pictures, not one or two. I don’t look forward to Sunday, and they’ll say they never knew, but Monday morning I’ll write and tell you how well it went, and so begins the Season of Depression.

Isa. 1:14 “Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hateth: they are a trouble unto me; I am weary to bear them.”

Monday, October 30, 2017

Silent No More

Pss. 35:22 “This thou hast seen, O LORD: keep not silence: O Lord, be not far from me.”

Silent No More

As I scan the news feeds I see an awakening of people pointing fingers. Abuse has been going on for centuries if not the millennium. No one would like to admit it but even in the bible, there is rape and the mistreatment of women and men on a sexually promiscuous stage.

From my experience, when you come forward to tell of your story, you’re shot down. I think that is why the women you see today coming forward with sexual abuse cases are banding together because as one is shot down, forty and fifty might be heard.

We live in a world where if one person disagrees with another, the first thing they do is retaliate by belittling and silencing the other voice so that their voice is heard above all others.

I’ve never been the silent type as many will read, laugh and understand what I’m saying. I’ve been pretty vocal about my abuse as a child and I hope in years to come when people want to look into my window and actually learn who I am (of course after I pass because many could care less about my story as I live) they’ll dig through these pages and discover me and my voice.

If you ever wonder where I get my strength in fighting a disease like cancer that has killed millions of people, look at my history, read my story. I’ve been sexually assaulted, I’ve been ridiculed, bullied and battered and this disease is just another form of attack that I won’t be silenced, scared of and led quietly into the night away from.

Job 31:34 “Did I fear a great multitude, or did the contempt of families terrify me, that I kept silence, and went not out of the door.”

Just as everyone else who stands their ground for what they believe in will get shot down, I am no different. We live in a world of people who are led around by a nose ring. If it is in a book, it must be the truth. If a person has a diploma, their words have to be true, if the story is on the web, a ring of truth has to be in there, right, wrong! The people are not going to listen to me because I’m that still small, uneducated voice that is heard but not believed. I don’t dig enough into the scientific detail. I don’t listen to the mainstream; I listen to the voice in the back of the room trying to be heard and always being silenced.

This MUST READ link isn’t from a politically trusted news source, this story more than likely isn’t scientifically right, you should know what is right from left, I mean wrong, and to be honest, I don’t. I can’t tell a fake news story from a real one, I don’t trust anyone these days and sometimes that even means my friends. I just don’t trust very easily anymore.

I’ve always been shot down and put on the defensive and it puts me in the corner of the closet and I don’t want to be heard anymore, I just want to pull the door closed and go quietly into the night, abandoned and alone. But AFTER I pass, will everyone be intrigued with what I was saying all along? Will they then do their own homework and seek out the truth or will they close the book on this page in history?

Job 4:17 “Shall mortal man be more just than God? shall a man be more pure than his maker?”

Let me just say, as many of you already know, I don’t trust the medical community. Doctors have let me down from the time I was sixteen and the uncaring doctor documented the words “She shows no feeling toward the death of her child,” (yeah, that is on record!) to the doctor who said recently, “She is not committing.” Doctors are all about drugs and the pharmaceutical industry they support and how to dismiss the uneducated little people and force them into submitting to the drugs they offer; drugs that have more damaging side effects than any healing properties. They are legal drug dealers in my eyes and nothing more! THAT is what they are trained for and paid a mighty dollar for too. The medical community is a big pool of vapid swimmers trying to pull you into their diseased cesspool. It is documented fact, but I’ll send you to an unrespected news source over and over so you can read for yourself the FACTS.

I don’t care how loud you are in dismissing me, I won’t hear. I don’t give a hoot how many medical journals you try to point me to, to prove me wrong, I won’t care. A voice doesn’t dare sway me just like my voice won’t sway you. We’re on opposite ends of the spectrum. While the world is out there following along like cows to slaughter, I’m a voice silenced by ignorance. I’m okay with that because I am led by only One voice, One Master, One God. All of your documentation is babble to me the very towers of Babylon that stood because of people like you and fell because of your kind. I know, that’s a politically unacceptable term, but I know nothing of politics either except that it will lead the human population to their destruction.

From this repeated link: "Honestly, we're at a point where the horses are out of the barn after the gate has closed," said Dan Werb, an expert at the University of California, San Diego. "I'm not optimistic about the capacity of our classic approaches to rein this [the drug addiction DOCTORS CAUSED] in."

As for me, I get to choose who I bow down to and it isn’t false idols, false gods or religion. I get to decide where I will go when my time ends. Keep in mind this uneducated woman’s words, MY God is not a religion! Never has been and never will be, no matter how loud you get thumping out man-made texts. I will remain alone but never silenced.

Pss. 31:18 “Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous.”

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Quotation Saturday ~ Loneliness

Job 13:13 "Hold your peace, let me alone, that I may speak, and let come on me what will."


“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing 
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.” 
― Jalaluddin Rumi

“The true genius shudders at incompleteness — imperfection — and usually prefers silence to saying the something which is not everything that should be said.” 
― Edgar Allan Poe

“I've begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” 
― Chaim Potok

“I need to be alone. I need to ponder my shame and my despair in seclusion; I need the sunshine and the paving stones of the streets without companions, without conversation, face to face with myself, with only the music of my heart for company.”
~ Henry Miller


“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult

“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.” 
― Maya Angelou

“All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.” 
― Tahereh Mafi

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” 
― Mother Teresa


“Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?”
~ Haruki Murakami

“The parts of me that used to think I was different or smarter or whatever, almost made me die.” 
― David Foster Wallace

“We're all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” 
― Rudyard Kipling

“When you're socially awkward, you're isolated more than usual, and when you're isolated more than usual, your creativity is less compromised by what has already been said and done. All your hope in life starts to depend on your craft, so you try to perfect it. One reason I stay isolated more than the average person is to keep my creativity as fierce as possible. Being the odd one out may have its temporary disadvantages, but more importantly, it has its permanent advantages.” 
― Criss Jami


“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” 
― Charlotte Brontë

“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away... and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast.... be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust.... and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.” 
― Rainer Maria Rilke

“There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more” 
― George Gordon Byron

Friday, October 27, 2017

A Milestone...Changes ARE Happening

Isa. 60:19 "The sun shall be no more thy light by day; neither for brightness shall the moon give light unto thee: but the LORD shall be unto thee an everlasting light, and thy God thy glory."

A Milestone

I wanted to share a bit of a milestone that really came out of nowhere. You remember that for years I thought I had MS and that my unbalance may have been a symptom? I have posted numerous times telling of my pains in my back, knees and everywhere else. 

I know I have one friend that remembers the intimate details I displayed for you all here on my blog. If you’re a follower, you know my story. If you’re not a follower, there are previous posts links over there to play catch up.

Being unbalanced left me either sitting or standing and holding onto the wall but never could I stand and put my pants on in about four years now; it was just too uncertain.

Yesterday it happened, I had to go into my bedroom and get pants. Without even thinking, I stood in the middle of the room and put my pants on, one leg at a time. No wobble, no uncertainty, no holding onto anything, nothing. After pulling them up and buttoning them, I stood there and thought, ‘did I just do that’? A tear came to my eye because it had been four years since feeling like a somewhat normal human being.

My body is changing for the good. Apparently, a healthy lifestyle is what I needed to regain my balance. Not only has the loss of thirty pounds made a significant difference in my wardrobe (115 lbs and holding), the adding of pertinent supplements and healthy eating all around has made a difference in my showering, the way I dress, the way I walk and just about everything in my life. 

This week though, I’ve been on the defense in so many ways. I’m thinking October 29th, the second anniversary of my dad’s passing is taking a toll on me that I never seen coming. I am at peace with his passing but I do have to contend with my mother, very much alive who misses him terribly on a daily basis. She says she can’t figure out why she was kept here alive and I told her point blank, maybe it’s for ME! I think God is going to keep me alive for HER as well.

My mother has no idea I have this ugly disease, she would become paranoid (as usual) and worry too much and try to instill fear in me so I think her NOT knowing is for her benefit as well as mine. I think God has kept her alive for me since she is really the only family that I’m in touch with on a daily basis, my grounding so-to-speak. I’ve always been very close to my mother and not physically seeing her for over ten years has its own stress factor but to hear her voice daily helps relieve the stress immensely.

Another milestone is the tumor itself. I’ve been feeling some sharp pains here lately and instead of fear and panic I kicked into research mode and conferred with ladies experiencing the exact same thing as I, as we are all on an alternative path together. I’m going to get a little (a lot) personal and graphic here, if you’re a man, turn away now. 

The tumor is in the rapid cell die-off phase. Without a doctor, you might be wondering how I know this. Well, let me tell you. The tumor is big. I’ve already done immeasurable research on this and have found that the tumor is not cancer. The tumor is a result of the cancer, a reaction if you will, it is NOT the cancer itself. Back in January when the disease was discovered, I went to the doctor with a C+ cup size of my left breast. I, my life since teenage years, have been a very comfortable B size. 

With my diet change and weight loss, I’m bound to lose breast size so that isn’t the telltale sign I’m looking for in healing, no, the pains are. Over I’d say this past month (since a miraculous herb literally walked in my front door) or two I’ve had a reduction of breast size on the LEFT side. No longer a C+ or even a C, I’m fitting comfortably back into my B cup! You might see that as no big deal, but visually it IS a big deal because I SEE the healing taking place! The tumor is still there but if the pains are a telltale sign of rapid cell die off, I’m winning this battle, a little pain at a time!

I have to share this graphic tale with you as I move toward the continued healing part of my journey. I’m still edgy and defensive but hey, maybe a lack of sugar and carbs is having that effect nine months later. I still have my sense of humor, I took a six-week writing course, and while a little stressful for me, I took it as a challenge to stretch my writing muscles even further. I’m still maintaining strict eating habits that I’m coming to enjoy, I’m still walking and exercising, still loving life and still have problems with my defensiveness. I can work on that though. I’ve done so much work this year that finally I’m seeing the results of my labor. A little defensiveness is nothing to tackle.

All my praise and glory goes to my God on most high! I could not and would not be where I am today without Him holding the reins! My supportive friends are very much an aspect of this healing too! Thank you, and God bless! 

Monday, October 23, 2017

Be Still...

Pss. 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”


Have you ever tried listening to the sound of God’s voice? Try as you might you can’t because of all of the noise surrounding you. Sure you’re alone in the house, windows and doors closed, your place is silent but it is so silent that you can hear a clock ticking, a refrigerator humming, a car passing outside, sirens blaring, winds stirring, or your neighbors hanging a picture. Where is the silence in that?

Being ‘still’ is not just about sitting completely still and then waiting to hear God’s voice. You need to be in complete silence where this day and age, complete silence is fleeting. Even in the woods, there is no silence as birds call out, trees sway in the wind, leaves are rustling, water sometimes flows downstream, and silence is always disrupted by a noise. While nature has a host of sounds they’re not as distracting as life away from nature but not everyone can live surrounded by nature, now can they?

To seek and find God’s voice in the murmurings of the day, to hear His voice you need to hear nothing but silence, be still and breathe in the silence of the moment. Try it, can you? For fifteen minutes a day can you turn off the distractions of work, the computer, the washer, the noise, can you find silence somewhere in your day? You think you can but there will always be a noise to distract you and pull you away from God’s voice whispering in your ear.

I think I realize why I love the cold snowy season so much. For the very reason that out in the middle of nowhere, where I’m located, the snow renders the farms silent, the only sounds are the wind, even the trains often heard in the distance become silenced. It is during these times I can have a most meditative walk with nature and listen for God to whisper in my ear. It is at these times I talk to him too in a most silent and peaceful surrounding; I feel as if I’m touching a little bit of heaven.

I think humans are a lot like trick-or-treaters on Halloween. First of all, they dress up and put on a costume for the world outside their home to see; then they’re always going from house to house, city to city, job to job searching for a treat of some sort to make them happy, a quick-fix so to speak. For some reason, they cannot find the overwhelming peace that is needed to get through a day nevertheless a month or year. While I understand that not everyone is open to God or even cares to listen out for Him, they seem unhappy at any event that passes in their life. They claim happiness but deep inside when it comes down to it when they rest their head on the pillow at night, sleep eludes them.

They’ll blame medication, they’ll blame insomnia, they’ll point fingers at the noise of the stirring of the cauldron but they won’t blame themselves for the inability to find peace. The world is addicted to noise that distracts people from finding inner peace, from finding that still small voice of God.

I’ve always been a person who prayerfully meditates, listening for that still place of peace where I hear the words of God, and I do understand that not everyone has the ability to find that place because of all the noise, noise, noise. Yeah, I may have channeled Dr. Seuss on that one but you understand. You’ve tried without success to be still, but it is hard to be found oftentimes because our minds are the loudest noises we hear. You find yourself over-thinking a situation, a bible verse, a chore, a drive, or maybe loneliness. Those are noises that need to be quieted.

Now that I’m among millions in the throes of an illness, I seek even harder to find that silence brewing inside of me. Without my prayer and meditation, I would’ve never embarked on the journey of alternative treatment. I feel with every fiber of my being that God placed me on this path because He too knew I was ready. I cannot speak for others and their journey, or to those who have no God, I can only speak for myself because right at this moment in time, this is MY journey.

I try to share my journey with you so you can see that while I am one of the sinners and noisemakers of the day, I find that still small voice of God trumpeting in my ear for me to come and follow Him and it is only then that I can find solace in my healing journey. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory but I tell you now, even if it is the last resort for you, finding yourself at the mercy of Gods feet will find you some peace in moving forward on the railways of life. May you find the peace that a still small voice will give to you.

Pss. 32:7 "Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah."