Winding Down... A Grand Finale

“The one who gets wisdom loves life; the one who cherishes understanding will soon prosper.” Proverbs 19:8 (NIV)

This might be one of those 'must read' posts as I wind down my blog. I've gone on hiatus many times over the years but this one is timely and essential as I need to continue healing. 

It all began back in 2005 when I started this blog, the posts didn't really feel right so I deleted the lame posts from 2005 and 2007. Then in 2008, it took off and I started getting followers and meeting other bloggers, some whom I am still friends with to this day on Facebook. It was a writing blog. A writer helping fellow writers follow their dreams as I too followed my dream of becoming a writer all the while sharing my love of God. 

Some liked that I spoke of God and I'm sure some were turned away by it, but those who liked it became my friends on Facebook, getting to know me on a more personal level. I don't remember the year the transition happened, the blog name went from One Voice, Write Right to Joni's Muse: The Poet Within. I know the transition happened at a time I was being called on every typo, misspelling and faux pas of my writing posts so I no longer felt like a reliable writing source to my fellow writers. It was no big deal, I'm a writer and we need to take criticism but sometimes, people are not gentle in their critique and even unintentionally downright hurt you!

I turned my writing muse to God and all that He's done for me. I didn't strive for grammar perfection, I just wanted to share my life story and all that I've learned over the years. No one could critique my story because it was/IS mine! My life, MY wounds, MY scars that I was sharing! People liked reading my story because I had an edge of reality, a blunt truth that not many people are willing to go into the depths of their soul and share. I shared over the years parts of my past that some would have rather kept buried but I brought it to light. I needed healing in my writing and releasing all the past wounds really helped me to find an inner peace. 

My blood family has no interest in my story. It is not their story but when I'm gone and they look over the truth, I'm sure they'll sit in shock that my story of the dysfunctional life I LIVED, is out there for the world to see. Not that the world reads my blog but many will reread all that they missed. While they [family] are back east living the life of caged emotions I am moving on and healing, not giving their lost love a second thought.

Then something happened in 2017 on the road to discovery, an illness to beat all illnesses wrapped around my body and carried me to a cave where I needed reflection and time to think just what all of this meant. I lost quite a few of what I thought were dear friends because I'm not a conventional gal by any means and they are smothered in conventional life, treatment, diagnosis, and illnesses. They live and breathe conventional where I breathe freely the air of truth that I'm given. I may be on my own with a few dear friends, my spiritual family, that have stayed with me and encourage and believe in the path I've chosen because they know, it wasn't MY choice it was the path that God chose for me. Who is anyone to judge another person's path? Whether right or wrong, it is their path, no one else's.

While I hurt over the abandonment, I see that maybe the ones who left were not really true friends and I've become okay with that. I've been alone most of my life anyway (yes with God by my side) and I'm used to not being the accepted one. Shoot, I didn't get bullied because I was Miss Popular! Then there is this year, the year of uncertainty. I'm healing, I'm moving on but from the outside world I sense fear and doubt that I can't handle on a daily basis. I don't feel many people understand what having an extra sense has caused me throughout my lifetime. People laugh and scoff in disbelief and I'm okay with that too. My own sister used to call it, 'that thing' that Joni has. She knew the extra sense existed but was never sure what to call 'that thing' that I have.

With the advent of change -- via Facebook (snooze, unfollow, and many more) options, Blogspot with their not sending my comments to my email and the ad thing from the European Union? along with not allowing 'followers' anymore, and my hits going from the 50-70 range down to the 10-20 range; everything is changing and I need to change right along with the times, it is calling me to change. 

We're also coming to a dim period of having to put my fourteen-year-old dog to sleep. It's a difficult decision for any family and this will surely keep me in my room crying for a spell. Change is coming on a personal level and a worldwide level whether anyone wants to believe it or not. I'm done listening to people who say memes annoy but then post their own. I'm tired of people not knowing a typo from a grammar mistake. I'm tired of everyone finding fault with everyone else but won't look in the mirror at their own faults. I'm also pained by watching a world silently killing themselves on drugs and toxic eating without a care to LIFE and living and making excuses for why they are the way they are.

I won't be alone. I have a strong faith and belief in God and we'll walk together on this journey and wherever we wind up will be by His grace and His alone. Just know, I AM healing and the journey IS moving right along as God has planned. I may continue to post poetry and pics, but my sharing days are done. I need me time for a bit. You all have the grace of God carrying you and may you all pace yourself where an inner healing takes place.  I pray my work for God was well received and that one person, because of my words, was changed in some way. I love you all!

Angel Always...Godspeed, my friends

Psalm 61:2-3, “From the ends of the earth, I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.” (NLT)

The Branch

I crawl out on the lonely branch, 

that can't sustain my weight. 

I try to creep so still in thought, 

reflecting on my fate. 

Up on top this tree so tall, 

I find a quiet place. 

Still are sounds that whistle through, 

the leaves a patient pace. 

What is this that breaks my thought, 

I’m not alone anymore? 

The presence is surrounding me; 

it haunts my very core. 

No longer alone, my thirst is quenched, 

my essence fed by might. 

Surrounded by the stillness of, 

the Radiant Branch of Light.

Attention Deficit

Prov. 20:27 "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly."

Attention Deficit

I was sitting here this morning thinking, and like a dam bursting open my thoughts steered toward the attention span of human beings. It seems these days, this era is an attention deficit era where everyone is so wrapped up in themselves they can only see off in the distance. If someone were drowning, they'd have to let them and just watch the struggle from afar because of the distance between the two.

Basically, the only relationships that stay alive are the daily face-to-face ones because eventually everyone bores of any empathetic behavior unless it's going to benefit them. An email the other morning exclaimed, America's Loneliness Epidemic; how should we respond? I wasn't surprised at what the solutions were and being a Christian email I, a Christian knew where they were going to go with their line of thinking. 

With the rise of the 'me generation' loneliness is inevitable because everyone is focused on the 'me' of the equation and not the 'them'. From the email by Michael E. Stallard, Crosswalk:  "...loneliness triggers a host of negative effects, including a decline in physical and emotional health, greater incivility and violence, and a rise in addiction and suicide."

While the email went on with solutions, solutions I thought were pretty good but just one-sided and Bible Christian based. We don't live in a society of believers so I don't think any of these suggestions would rest well with a person contemplating suicide or a person so lonely they isolate themselves from the daily rush of traffic of ignorant negative people; being alone is a safer option.

It's very easy for me to say just trust in Jesus, but to a non-believer that might not go over well. It might be easy to say build lasting relationships with people who earnestly care but honestly, they are hard to find in an emotional deficit world of the 'me' generation. While the churches are catering to the generation by making their programs more alive and active with life, there is a depressed generation that is not turning to the church for moral support.

I totally get where these folk are coming from. The church sometimes is a big letdown. It shouldn't be that way but it is a fact to the people who need more than the church can give. The church that is supposed to 'accept all' winds up shunning the very people they need to reach. I personally think the church could benefit these lost souls if they helped anonymously. All of the programs I see where I live come with a nametag of "brought to you by the--name of the church". The lost and lonely want no part of the church so they miss out on the extension of help. Why does the church need to be seen as the one giving assistance/aid/love/compassion?

I know you'll say that God is the only way and spew all the scripture pointing to "no one enters but through me" scripture, I know, I get it! But the lost souls, the suicidal, the ones who NEED help don't understand at that point. They're lost, they're lonely and all we're worried about is having them know the bible? In time maybe spring the Word on them but right off the bat? They need compassion, an ear, a friend, not someone who is only there because Jesus called them to be there to spring the Word on them. Yes, they need to hear the Word but initially, they just need to be HEARD.

Community support groups, community activities brought to you anonymously by the church could reach the people without a nametag, reach them by not boasting of 'we helped you', reach them by opening a door of communication with the very society that has let them down. Lead them in a way that they should go. There ARE ways to help but again, the attention deficit society can only focus on the prize, not the race.

There has to be a starting point. Communities need to be willing to accept the church's help anonymously, the church needs to be willing to help anonymously, we the people need to be FOR the people in every sense of the word.

Non-coincidentally I stumbled upon one of my followers' blog posts this morning: 
I was already writing my post so when I was led to this one, it made me see I'm not alone in my thinking. He was writing basically the same line of thought as I was writing. It is so mysterious the way that God collectively links the Christian minds to universal thought processes. 

I believe Christians can aid the lost and the lonely. I believe showing people love, compassion, caring and understanding can all be attributed to our Christian faith without a bible-thumping mentality of connecting to the lost. People need to be listened to, they need to feel as if they matter. Tied up in the 'me' generation are people seeking help and not finding it because as I said, everyone is so wrapped up in their own thing, giving time to another person who might be on the brink is too much of an effort and cuts into your precious time of caring for YOU.

Yes, I understand that everybody has a life and their own struggles to deal with on a regular basis but is it too hard to reach out to someone who has seemingly become distant all of a sudden? Not asking the question of 'are you okay' leaves the window of help closed as you back off because you don't think they want to talk about something. Usually taking time to think can cost someone his or her life. 

You might be wondering how I know about this; I'll tell you I know because I've been there on the suicidal end and no one reached out. I know what loneliness feels like and I know that the blanket of inner struggle one deals with when no one is around to lift even one finger or an ear of compassion. And yes, Christians let people down more than you ever know. 

Why are so many kids on drugs for attention deficit disorder? Why are kids deprived of attention? I'll tell you why but you're not going to like what I say. Parents neglect children because they NEED an outlet too and in finding their 'outlet' the child gets left behind. We're not raising kids in a two-parent household. We're tossing kids in pre-school at an earlier and earlier age and sending them off to school to allow teachers to bear the burden of raising the children of the 'me generation'. We put kids on the ADD drugs (which by the way have the same suicidal side effects that you hear about from the drugs/medication YOU take) thinking the drug will help but the kid grows, can't afford to keep up the 'meds' and more times than not, the suicidal tendencies of the drug kick in while no one is looking.

While you were worried about you, someone died that you couldn't say, 'Hi' to or 'how are you' in a meaningful banter of words. I'm tired of talking about me and my disease, I'll live or die but somewhere out in the world as I'm writing this, someone is taking their life because YOU were too busy worrying about YOU. 

I reach out through words but slowly my words are not enough, the extent of my reach is not far enough, I'm alone in trying to convey a message that people are tired of hearing. Why are they tired of hearing it? Because they are busy with other things. 

Prov. 25:27 "It is not good to eat much honey: so for men to search their own glory is not glory."

Eccl. 1:13 "And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the sons of man to be exercised therewith."

A Work Of Art

God's Painting

Luke 3:22 "And the Holy Ghost descended in a bodily shape like a dove upon him, and a voice came from heaven, which said, Thou art my beloved Son; in thee I am well pleased."

A Work of Art

I'm going to go out on a limb here and call myself a work of art. As a matter of fact, each and every one of us is a masterpiece in our own right. When we were created, we were not painted by the kindergarten class with our non-toxic paints and fat paintbrushes. We were crafted by a Master artist with the finest paints and brushes and we, each and every one of us, were painted by an artist better than Michelangelo!

You see, when we were forming in the womb, God had a plan for his piece of art. It took him nine months to create the perfection He saw in us. He didn't just blink us into existence like a genie, no He masterfully created each and every brushstroke of our life and when we were born, He already saw the finished fulfilled work of art in its completion to the end, hanging in the Sistine Chapel. 

He looked at us and it was good! He knew every brushstroke our life would take. He knew the perfections and imperfections because He saw us up close and personal, not from the marble floor below. No, your mother, father and everyone else saw you from below the art. They gazed at you and saw a tiny infant seemingly perfect. As you grew, people saw you and studied you as a piece of art and came to a conclusion of what they perceived. But to God, you were still a masterful work of art in progress. 

If you say that God makes no mistakes, you'd be correct in your assumption. The imperfections I referred to was our free will. You see Adam and Eve were made perfect! A completely perfect work of art finished and drying in the sun. Free will was the last brushstroke in giving us a chance to assist with the painting. The reason we're not the creating artists is that we botch the job. Our free will leads us to the imperfections of our life, all of which God saw in advance when creating you but he is not in control of our free will.

I knew as I got to this point in my life I had done a bang-up job of this masterpiece. I didn't handle the brush with the gentleness and care of the Master artist. Not that I turned Michelangelo's work into a Picasso but I think sometimes I turned it into an Andy Warhol meaningless jumble of paint. But I digress, I'm still in the planning stages so the brush hasn't been whisked out of my hand yet. God sees a Van Gogh in me; a little loose around the edges but awaiting perfection.

I now see this illness as a chance to complete what was a little messed up. My mind, my body, my soul all are taking a little tender care of the flamboyant brush strokes that I let onto the canvas; I'm no intense chapel in the making, and definitely not in Vatican City. These illnesses I'm being faced with are all a part of the whimsical flinging of the paint onto a blank canvas, I'm now in the process of making some sense out of what I want this painting to be. I want people to look at me as a work of art, not perfect but worth looking at for hours on end trying to sum up a conclusion of what they see and are going to walk away with.

Each day I wake, after thanking the Lord for another day to open my eyes and gaze at the canvas, I stare in awe of what has the potential to be a worthy piece of artwork! My writing, my healing, my poetry, my muse all are forming an exquisite piece of artwork ready to be hung in a gallery among the greatest artists who ever lived. 

I'm not standing here and proudly boasting of a swelled ego, I am an artist sharing with you my vision of just where this completed work will stand in the end. The gates of heaven have the potential to be open for me and the gallery of brilliant colors of a reflected prism are at my fingertips. I am a light-bearer, I am a shepherd, I am not here to tell you where you've gone wrong, I'm here to tell you what went right. You were born! You were created by a Masterful artist that saw all of your potentials and now it is time for you to take control of the brush and complete the painting that was begun when you were born.

We've all made mistakes! And if you're over the half-century mark, you are now in the final stages of completing your masterpiece. Are you going to finish up by botching up the canvas? Or are you going to make the necessary changes that need to take place to see you too entering the gates of heaven, or do you even care and are just happily strolling along in life not caring where this journey ends? My friends, take care of the work of art that is you. God did all the hard work and now He hands you the brush to take care of the finished product that will hang on the walls of Heavens gallery someday.

May the blessings of the Lord our God be with you today and always!

The Fear Factor

1 Sam. 17:34 "And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock:"

I realize there is something inside me that helps me overcome so many hurdles; I have the strength of a lion and the gentleness of a lamb. When you come face to face with a lion ( a rare event for sure), I'm sure you're instilled with fear. The fear factor is something that rules everyone, even though they don't know it has washed over them or that the feeling has saturated their souls.

Let me ask, when you're faced with a diagnosis from a doctor, you know that tingling you get in your heartbeat where it feels as though it has stopped but you know it didn't because you're still alive, as you feel the rapid rhythm pulsating in your chest? Your brow breaks out in beads of sweat, your palms become clammy as you wait for a prognosis; that there is fear, fear of the worst-case scenario. 

I don't think anyone goes into the doctors' office with the faith that all is well. You walk in out of fear. Most people don't even go to the doctor because of fear but by the time you've made it to his doorstep, you're carrying fear in there with you. Why? Because you know full well you haven't taken care of yourself. You know deep down the neglectful years are finally going to catch up with you.

When I finally went to the doctor because of 'a lump', I instinctively knew what was going to be said. I had done all of the google searches that aimed me in the 'most likely not' direction, but the final diagnosis became 'the worst case scenario'. Fear drove me home that day, fear tried to wake up with me the next day but the little lamb in me came and nestled in my heart as a comforting blanket of wool in a much needed time of cold despair.

I remember a few years ago when we visited an animal sanctuary and I came face to face with a lion! I actually stood in a cage of tigers and was allowed to pet one. Can you say that you've ever done THAT in your life? No, not many people can. The lion was big and fierce but he was wounded and neglected, that is why he was in the sanctuary, to save his life from years of neglect. Rory was finally getting the help he needed in the saviors at the animal sanctuary. As we came eye to eye, neither of us feared; we were both sizing one another up but as I went to pet him he let me know why he was the king of the forest with a loud roar and a snap at my finger. At that time he urinated on me in a spray and our uncle giggled and said, "That'll happen when they want to mark you." I wasn't laughing but I did find it cool to later that day go back and tell my friends that a lion had 'delivered me', I mean, peed on me. 

1 Sam. 17:37 "David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee."

When I was diagnosed with the Big C, I feared the doctors more than I did the lion! I feared the diagnosis, the treatment and the finality of the prognosis. I let the fear factor go home with me but I didn't let it pee on me and ruin my life. When the gavel came down later that week with the verified results, I didn't fear the doctor, I feared the treatment and the lack of willingness for us both to work on a positive outcome of what they had just sprayed me with. I didn't get to go home and be joyful to tell all my friends how I overcome the spraying of the venom that the doctors unleashed, instead I came home and told my friends of the fear I saw in the eyes of my loved ones as I said I wasn't going the conventional route.

This is when I realized I would need every bit of strength in going forward.  I needed to see past the fear factor. I knew I would need to look the lion of fear in the eye and let it know that I am a victim too, I am not a weak victim and my Savior is not a sanctuary for saving cats but a sanctuary of love for saving human beings; the Lamb would rise up to save me. I believe this with every fiber of my being. He knows it, I know it, I just wish the surrounding onlookers knew what it took to get me from point A to point B!

As many of you may have feared your dad as a child; the impending belt, switch, the hand of discipline, you feared. Many unknowingly carry the fear of accepting an Almighty Savior, feeling a little insecure in giving Him 100% total trust.  My dad wasn't the disciplinarian in my family, so I had no fear of accepting my Father in Heaven's discipline or guidance. I never had any trouble getting flushed by His spray of undeniable, unconditional love. He has marked me and surely is saving me from my own self. As I relinquish the fear factor and move forward with unwavering faith in a snail's pace enjoying the brilliant view, painstakingly hating the climb but cherishing the time I spend with my Father as the day draws near where we will be walking hand in hand on the shorelines of Heaven.  There won't be two sets of footprints because I will be beside Him, basking in all of his love and glory. As I miss my earthly father who now resides in heaven I am ever grateful to my Heavenly Father for sending out a boat, filled with life preservers and saturating my soul when I need Him most.

It is a glorious Father's Day! Happy Father's Day, Abba! 

Pss. 57:4 "My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword."

I'm Alive

James 5:16 (ESV) “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” 

I’m Alive

Everyone draws concern when I'm away from the social media platform for a week. I imagine they all think the worst and have me dead in the still of the night. But I digress they all might just wonder whatever happened to me as my daily postings come to a halt. I love you all immensely!

I wish I was well enough to bring you great news, but no, I’m down and don’t want to bring others down with me. It’s hard visiting the social media world and see everyone happily moving along, portraying the perfect life while I’m out here miserable. And I know, they all have imperfect lives also they just like portraying the facade. I just could never do that in all honesty. I like dripping truth onto the page and sweeping up the mess as I move along.

I’m now housebound for the summer. I was housebound for the extensive, extremely frozen over winter and now that we've jumped right into summer with a day or two of a spring feel to it, I'm housebound again. I'm grumpy and not liking anything these days so I figure if I stay away from my friends and the social media, I can try and mend without hurting anyone with my snide lashings.

My inability to walk came to a complete standstill last week when I had finished mowing. I used to walk with a limp but now I can't even make it down a pair of stairs, and before you start telling me to see a doctor, that's easier said than done. If you're willing to come and shower and clothe me and place me in the vehicle and take me to the doctor, (if you can find a wheelchair when you get there) then attending a doctors office is not in the picture any time soon. Yeah, it's gotten that bad in just a week. 

My writing has come to a standstill, my walking to a halt, my mowing at a deadlock, my showering when I can, my joy on hiatus. I now write in Yahoo notepad since my MS Word is malfunctioning. My walking, what little I can do, is done with a cane in hand, my mowing is now my husband's fun. My joy? Well, that's taking its sweet old time in resurfacing as the enemy thinks its time to hit me full force!

I thought my riding lawn mower was going to be my welcomed joy this summer, heat or no heat, I would be out and enjoying SOMETHING in the world, but no, it just wasn't meant to be for me. Last week when I got off the mower my legs nearly crumbled. I came in the house to sit down and sitting felt like I had just sat on an ice pick and no one could remove the steel point hitting the nerve in my back. I was in pain worse than I had been in a few weeks ago when I didn't want to visit family but I did. I could not lie down (still can't), I could barely sit, cooking was out of the question so I just sat, and cried, a good long sobbing cry. The uneven land out here and every jostle the mower took, so did my already damaged back. 

I've rested this week staring out the window at the squirrels, bunnies, and birds. We've had pretty intense heat in the upper nineties so peeking my head out the door even became an unbearable task. This is not the kind of heat that arthritic people can endure. I'm here and I'm alive. I don't have my peppy optimism and inspirational spring in my step; negativity from the outside world seeps in whether aimed at me or not, so avoiding the social world helps. I just can't bear to see people happily enjoying the very thing that will kill me in the foods they eat and post happily because well, it's not killing them, yet. YET!

I do like seeing people happy and changing the very way they view their obesity. To overcome weight problems is a chore and one that deserves high-fives and demands hugs! I hope in some way that my testimony of healthy eating has impacted many peoples lives so that they WANT to live and not just live meal to unhealthy meal. Death is final! No, we're not going to take our bodies with us afterward but I feel what we ARE taking is our negative unhealthy thoughts. They don't just go, poof, because we die, they shape our very soul in the here and the hereafter.

If we remain positive, feed on health and nutrition, maybe, just maybe when we face the Lord, we can share the joy we had living with him, our Father who wants nothing but the BEST for us! Forgiveness isn't about doing wrong and treating your bodies bad all your life then when you get to heaven say, "Oh, by the way, forgive me for not cherishing the very sacredness of what you created in me." You knew all along your body is a sacred temple but spitting in the Lord's face is easier than self-control, I get it.

I'm alive. Even though I don't have much to do in a day, I pray, hours on end. It seems like everything has been taken away from me and all I have to do is pray. So if you don't see me for a spell, know that I'm out here, alive. If anything drastic happens to me, I've asked my husband or son to inform you so you will never be left not knowing what happened to Joni. To stay positive, I need to stay away from the negative, please understand that. I need to reclaim the joy that lies out in the dry fields buried. I will be back. You need patience as much as I. My love to you, my friends!

All praise and Glory to God! 

Ephesians 5:11-13, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible — and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” (NIV)

One More Thing: The Trio

Philippians 2:14-16 (NIV) “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.”

I wanted to share just one more thing before you all move along with your summer activities and get too busy to check up on lil old me. I feel like my most recent posts have been me 'grumbling' about my pain when really I wanted to share with you the reality of my day to day life in the best way possible.

Phil. 2:14-16 (KJV) Do all things without murmurings and disputings: That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither laboured in vain.

The KJVersion of Phil. 2 doesn't say, 'grumblings or arguing' but grumblings is what I feel I've been doing and maybe that shouldn't be so. How can I shine a light of Christ from my soul if all you read is the grumblings of my back pain? There is a light in here and the only reason I share my murmurings are so that you do not get the picture that self-healing is all hunky-dory. It's hard work AND it is pain-filled! THAT is the reality of the situation that I took upon myself and in the end, I will blame no one for my decision but me and by then there will be no purpose in the blame game.

You know the reason for my choice in this route and that is point blank, I don't believe in drugs. I am a RECOVERED drug addict (another self-healing route at a very young age) and the thought of drugs and the process of the tiny pill that is destroying a population to this day scares me to bits! I believe and always have, that God created healing tools here on earth. When He created us, He placed all around us the true nature of healing whether it is physical, mental, or psychological; the earth holds an abundance of healing tools without the necessary means of a laboratory of synthetic drugs to 'miraculously' HEAL you. It just doesn't work that way, in my mind, anyway.

I know what my tumor looked and felt like when I was first diagnosed. After reading and researching I found information that a biopsy (the test that I was FORCED to undergo along with a mammogram and CT scan) were all links to the spreading of this disease. I did not have any idea of this because I ASSUMED that the doctors actually knew what they were doing and that THEY were right; I wrongly trusted them. 

Over the year I watched as the tumor changed shape and color and things were happening that were enough to scare the pants off of me but I held fast to the belief that 'GOD'S GOT THIS' and I settled into accepting things were going to take time. Not MY time but with HIS time. I knew that the biopsy was the damaging test that set all of this in motion. MANY of the women who I've met online in a BC support group have ALL said the same thing, except their outcome, was slightly worse than mine and for that, I'm truly grateful mine wasn't worse.

A lot of these women are not even in their thirties yet. Some are pregnant or have just given birth but all are adamant in treating this illness on their own, of course, against their doctor's wishes. They don't want to be slaughtered cows either and through the same avenues as me, diet and supplements, we are all in this self-healing together! And HEALING is what we are!

Through my grumblings you might not pick up on parts of my healing that I need to share with you, nor do you understand the method of my healing that is taking place but rest assured, I am healing! I don't boast of my hours of prayer and meditation. I don't tell you about the foods I ingest or my long year and a half journey of finding my place in this new world I have in front of me.

The trio: cancer, psoriasis, and arthritis. I've had psoriasis for about forty years (on and off), arthritis I'd say about six years since diagnosis of my lower lumbar joint arthritis, then there is cancer, the cells have been in there all of my life, awakened about eight or nine years ago and only felt and seen in 2015, diagnosed a little over a year ago on diagnosis day 1-25-17. 

The signs:
Cancer:  I saw no signs of cancer except for the lump I felt in 2015. The year my aunt, uncle and, dad died and the year I got married. What a year, huh? That is the very reason I didn't tell my husband of my lump. I had to wait for medical insurance to go through because don't believe what they tell you when they say FREE CANCER SCREENING- mammograms in the month of October. Maybe in YOUR state but this backwoods stuck in the 1800's state of mine, there were no free mammograms, and yes, I looked! I waited for my insurance to go through and I started the doctor visits and the swift cancer diagnosis came without even ONE test, then she put me through THREE tests to verify her assumption. I feel there was an easier route to diagnosing without the threat of spreading my disease, but who am I, just a little woman going up against the 'Big Bad know it all Doctors'.

Psoriasis: Physically visible my skin was as scaly as a fish! I had dry patches on my elbows and knees, my ears, and my back. This is a chronic illness that kept me in jeans and long sleeves for most of my life. There were times that it healed (so I know the signs of the healing) but over the years it has gotten worse. 

Arthritis: This did not surface until the year of the trips to Omaha took place. The too numerous-to-count, to me four-hour trips, that left my back in pain that I'd never known before. It cost me my ability to walk right. While the trips gained my husband his eyesight back, it cost me the ability to walk. I went to an NP (nurse practitioner) who had an office in a little town and she sent me for an x-ray and it was verified I had lower-lumbar-facet-joint-arthritis; an illness the current P.A. (physicians assistant) could not find as a feasible illness. (Shrug me off) But I know different because I am in this broken body. And if truth be told, just because other people have taken trips to Omaha in two-and-a-half hours and can walk, undermines my truth in the reason I can't walk. (Try driving in high winds, two and three times a week to Omaha! Eight-hour round trips.)
{whatever will be will be}

You have the trio, the proof that they exist, and now you need to know the truth that they are healing! I don't know if you've seen the movie, 'What About Bob', if so, you will understand the term baby-steps. I know for a fact that God is in the business of miracles, and I know people who have experienced them (my husband for one, his sight restored) and I know people who think He just blinks them into existence. Let me ask you this, did the miracle of Christ's birth blink into existence? Was it easy for Mary and Joseph? Was the miracle of Christ's death blinked into existence? Was carrying the cross an easy task? You need to seriously read and understand the Bible before you can understand what I say about my healing and it not just 'blinking into existence'. 

Let me first say I trusted God from the very beginning of this diagnosis. I trusted what He was saying and where He was leading. With that, I bring my baby-steps to healing and my continued healing!

Psoriasis: In the beginning when I began this journey my scars were visible and embarrassing, to say the least. Now, my 'sores' look like targets. I have big circles like a ring of fire, where the sore began and the center is in the clearing stages. Smooth skin is resurfacing and yes, it's taking its time, but it IS a work in progress moving FORWARD in healing and not getting worse. No new sores appearing.

Arthritis: The pain subsided for months last year as my tumor seemed to grow. Three levels of healing Psoriasis, Arthritis, and the Big C, all taking turns on the healing journey. The signs ARE there! While the pain may be back for a time...

Big C: The tumor is now in the SHRINKING phase. VISIBLY SHRINKING! I can't say much more without showing you a picture (eww gross) and I only wished I was of this techno world that takes a pic of everything just to document my PROOF. But then again let's go back to the Bible... show me pics as proof. (that is sarcasm, friends) We only have words to go on and as this journey of mine, it's all in my words. 

Go back and read my words from the beginning, it's all there. One day, my family might finally stumble upon my words and they'll finally SEE, CHRIST IN ME! As I take baby-steps toward my healing, I am enjoying each and every breath in the day because let's face it, as we enjoy these summer months, one never knows what the next day has in store. Cherish the day! 

May God bless each and every one of you! Have a beautiful Summer! Godspeed...

1 John 5:4 For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.

Which Voice Do You Hear?

The face in the clouds

Acts 14:10 "Said with a loud voice, Stand upright on thy feet. And he leaped and walked."

Which do you hear?

Two voices, one of positive encouragement the other a put down, both on the same exact subject. An example? 
"Does my hair look okay?"
"It looks great."

"I think it looks like it got caught in a blender on high speed!"

When you hear (read) both, which do you hear that you'll carry with you? Do you hear how great your hair looks and you carry that positive affirmation through your day? More times than not you hear the negative comment and go on with your day with a little chip hanging on your shoulder ready to pounce on anyone that looks at you the wrong way.

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27 (NIV)

I love this from Bible Gateway: "Jesus doesn’t tell us if we dig deep enough or study long enough or go to church often enough we’ll be able to uncover the hidden mystery to hearing His voice. Instead, Jesus lists only one prerequisite to hearing His voice: Be one of His sheep." - Katy McCown

You see, my point is, I listen to God but there are people out there muffling His words for me. I sit in the quiet of the morning, meditating on His word and His voice, listening in the still small place that He and I share in the spiritual flow of the cosmos, my soul. When I come out of this place, some negatively call it 'from under my rock', I see it as time WITH my ROCK of salvation! The negative voice hurts and puts a dent in my space but I truly try so hard not to carry it around in my day. It's kind of hard when the clamoring comes beating on your door seeking what it is you have hiding there.

It's ironic that I listen and hear his voice. I try and tell people that they too can listen and hear but I assume they have discord hammering at their door with other priorities that keep their focus away from hearing Christ in them. Yesterday, I received an email noting the distractions WE ALL have knocking on our door keeping us away from hearing HIS voice and listening to another voice that pulls and tugs at us and we often aren't even aware.

I happily live under my rock for many reasons, one of those reasons is to keep the distractions from trying to pull me into the deep end of the pool and drowning me. The other reason is that it is a cool solid place to dwell when needing a rock to lean on that actually listens and HEARS what I'm whispering. I can scream and shout outside of the rock and no one hears, and I'm okay with that too. After all, Jesus has been gently nudging people for centuries and the people smothered Him with fires and flames so they didn't HAVE to hear him.

When I was first diagnosed, the doctors circled around me like a school of sharks. They in no way offered me anything remotely helpful. This conservative state wants you to swim WITH the sharks or be eaten alive BY the sharks, you are not allowed an in-between spot on the spectrum. I am neither liberal or conservative, so basically, in a nation that DEMANDS you to choose a side or be burned at the stake, I'm screwed! I go to the doctor, they offer me drugs. I tell them my stance, they scoff and wave their hands as if blowing me off. They don't, I repeat, they DO NOT offer anything alternative! I need to cross state lines for that, and since I don't see that in my cards anywhere down the line, I stand firm with Christ and where He and He alone will lead me. HE is my safety net, my Rock! 

I CANNOT afford a chiropractor or an acupuncturist, I cannot do yoga because of my arthritis. I cannot turn to a doctor because all they spew at me is, "You need chemo chemo chemo. You don't need a chiropractor, you need chemo!" or "Here, have some drugs for your pain." That right there is the sharks I won't swim with. You too can agree or disagree with me, it is your right. I thank you all for caring endlessly for me and wanting to help. I sincerely love you all to the moon and back! 

I think I need to go under my rock for a bit and enjoy what is left of summer. Which voice is it that you hear? I hear God telling me over and over, "I GOT THIS! I GOT THIS!" All my praise and Glory goes to HIM! 

This is basically how I feel when not under my rock.

"And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! " The Grinch, Dr. Seuss

Godspeed friends, in all that you do, be BLESSED!

2 Cor. 1:3 "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;"

A closer look at The Face in the Clouds

I Don't Want To Know

James 1:2 (NIV) “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” 

I Don’t Want To Know

Something came up in conversation the other day with my husband. I was taking my supplements and pointed out that many were for inflammation. He responded with, “Did you ever think that’s not what it is?” Referring to my immense amount of daily pain. "Absolutely," I responded. I don't think of it often, but it certainly crosses my mind on occasion. Maybe it isn't inflammation, maybe it's worse. Yeah, I won't go the doubt route.

I feel negative comments surfacing on a regular basis now. I feel like others are doubting and it's not helping my journey any. I snapped back at my husband and told him that No, I don't wanna know if it is something else. I don't want to go to the doctors for them to hound me and tell me I should get chemo. I don't want to know if it has spread and I only have six months to live. I am persevering and doing everything I can to prevent death but then when you think about it, no one can prevent death, we're all going to die.

Memorial Day was no different with the poor poor pitiful Joni, looks. I didn't want to go to his mother's, but I did want to see the family. She wasn't having a cookout or anything, just a yearly gathering of his aunt and two uncles that we only get to see one or two times a year because two live out of state and one hours away. I didn't want to go because well, I'm in constant pain and it's a challenge to get out the door, down the steps, into the truck, back out of the truck, ascend more stairs and do it all over again when the visit is over.

I was also concerned with the questions that would be aimed at me. Luckily his brother was there with his wife and son so it kind of took the questions away from me. Instead, I was met with eyes of pity. They looked at me like the cripple I am and treated me like a fragile broken child who needs assistance with every step. I wonder how they think I manage to get through every single day? I don't have a live-in nurse that cares for me, I DO take care of myself. I AM a little slow but I'm not a precious vase about to fall on the floor that needs catching before it smashes to the ground.  

Then there was the lightning storm going on for two hours and more. The gusty winds arose right before we left as did a little thunder and lightning and I wanted to wait but no, hubby had to leave then and there. The dirt road was a sloppy mess as we swerved and swayed until it came to an end. Every swerve of the car sent a tingling pain up my back. The short trip to his mother's had the pain rising and rising with each clap of thunder and every sliver of lightning. We arrived in a downpour. I said I'd wait in the car, but I got so frustrated with myself, I hopped out and limped, cane in hand, to the front door. Hubby on arm trying to walk in his normal stride and me trying to keep up with my tiny limps, in the pouring rain and gusting winds. 

I try and understand that his family never sees me, and hasn't seen me using a cane and just expected bouncy-bouncy Joni, but instead, they were met with Tiny Tim. After his brother left, his aunt was right on me asking how I was doing and if I was still doing my protocol. I tried not to be snarky but it was quite hard as my back felt like a tightly wound rubber band about to snap and I really was not up to a visit that day. I just said yes, yes, I wake every day and thank God for another day. I was curt but not snarky. 

When I went to get up to use the bathroom his mother was about to leap into action, "You need help?" Umm... no, but thank you. As I walked past her my husband was sitting there and I asked for some water and his mom quickly jumped up and said I can get it, I can get it. I love having people care, I love that they want to know more about how I'm handling my illness. I love that they don't even talk chemo with me, but a tightly threaded quilt will eventually dry rot. Remember, I'm here year round. Not that anybody ever asks about my writing but is as important to me as my husband's now-defunct blog he had while he was blind. Writing is my life and I live to tell my story. 

On the ride home from his moms the storms were still churning; hard to see, muddy roads a bigger mess but we made it home and my tears fell unseen as quickly as the raindrops. It was a trying day for me that no one understands. As stubborn as I am, I am not one to be pitied and the looks, the stares, they tore me apart shred by shred. While I know and understand how lucky I am to be in this family and to have people that care, you don't realize how much it hurts to know I have a family back home that couldn't give a rip about me. I never cross their mind in a day, month or a year. It makes me feel defensive and isolated when a person after months of not seeing me shows signs of caring. I go on.

Tuesday, the entire day was rainfall! Glorious rainfall with rolling thunder and a flash of lightning here and there but rain it did! I think we had ten storms in one day and they didn't stop until eleven at night. The temps dropped to normal on Monday, meaning Springlike temps of the 60's and yesterday the temps that were predicted near ninety barely made it to seventy. Alleluia Amen.

Like summertime storms, life comes at us unexpectedly. Sometimes the trials are easy to endure, at other times they're difficult. Sometimes it's a delicate rainfall, at times a hard downpour. Sometimes high winds, a few times tornadoes pop up. Surely you need to be ready but if you knew ahead of time that you were going to die, what would you do differently? If a doctor told you that you have six months to live, how would you spend those last six months? Me, I don't want to know. I want to live until I die and that's that. Sure I'll prepare myself for the storms about to strike but I will not sit here and count days and think each one my last. As long as God is my guide, I never fear the valleys. Don't pity me as I persevere! I go with God!

James 1:12 (NIV) “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” 

Against The Wind

Mark 6:47-48 (NIV) "Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the 

lake, and he was alone on land. He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them.” 

Against the Wind

When you’re in as much pain as me, you have a lot of time to just sit and think. Sitting is not good for me because the longer I sit the harder it is to get back up. But lo and behold, I’ve had time to think.

I have a dear friend who worries about me. I love that anyone thinks of me but this friend goes above and beyond in caring for me and well yes, he’s concerned about my progress, understandably so. 

I was moving along so nicely, appeared to be healing at record speed then BAM! It seemed to halt. What on earth happened? I tried analyzing and over analyzing but in time (God's time) I figured it out. A raging wind came that’s what happened, tossing me about to and fro.

Mark 6:48 “And he saw them toiling in rowing; for the wind was contrary unto them: and about the fourth watch of the night he cometh unto them, walking upon the sea, and would have passed by them.”

Did you ever notice that when you pray, you sometimes (mostly all the time) have to wait for an answer? Some of the time we don’t get the answer we want because we hastily let our minds go to work instead of allowing God to do His job. Yup, that was me. As much as I say I’m listening to God, I strayed off course because I wanted things done in my time!

MS Word keeps crashing. Let's try again.

Nebraska doesn’t have the tumultuous waters but it does have the horrendous gusting winds to either push or halt me in its path. I was sailing along enjoying my journey, patting myself on the back, admiring my own strength, and could actually see and feel a healing taking place as I soared. Then the winds came and stopped me and my ego in its tracks.

Well, it was morning when I tried writing, it is now afternoon and the zone has closed. I hope I can get back to the point I was trying to make if this gives me a chance. I notice whenever I try saying how good God is, something causes this to crash and it was crashing like mad this morning but now I’ve gotten more than five sentences in without a crash. I know as soon as I get in the zone it will crash, or some higher force in the realm of my computer's insides is fixing the little hidden bugs that are trying to keep me from writing.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah…getting the wind knocked out of me by the gusty winds. I was soaring along in my healing when I suddenly got the wind knocked out of me but the unseen force was more my arrogance, in hindsight. I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong and I can blame the wheat bread, the gluten, the one time cheat but I knew deep down none of that was the cause. 

I prayed. For months I prayed and while I wanted an answer pronto as I kept writing, and my concerned friend kept asking, I was at a loss why I was not getting the response I wanted or the time frame I wanted. Well, because GOD IS IN CONTROL, not me and He’ll respond when HE is good and ready. I need to learn patience! And it would do good if my friends knew patience as well. [winkwink]

Last week when I had my mowing spree and I even weed whacked; my underarm started hurting, quite specifically my lymph node on the side of the tumor. It had been showing signs of swelling and I just thought oh great add a thunderstorm to the mix of pain. As the sea swelled and I was being tossed around, pain, cane, back, everything swirled and swirled around me and I was just ready to give up and eat whatever I want and give up on this whole protocol thing. Put me in a hospice and let me go. 

I didn’t bail on my protocol, or on the rough seas churning about, I continued to paddle against the wind. I looked up on google ‘pain in lymph nodes' the other night and was reminded (I covered this when I was first diagnosed) that the lymph nodes are our defense mechanism. If they are swelled then they are in there kicking butt against an invading illness.

Google response: “Lymph nodes become swollen in response to illness, infection, or stress. Swollen lymph nodes are one sign that your lymphatic system is working to rid your body of the responsible agents.”

Last year upon diagnosis, I was told they were going to slice this tumor out of my breast and take some lymph nodes with it. Can you imagine? Had they taken my lymph nodes, I have nothing in my immune system fighting FOR me, they would destroy a portion of me that I NEEDED to heal!

Did you ever notice that when you pray, you sometimes (mostly all the time) have to wait for an answer? Some of the time we don’t get the answer we want because we hastily let our minds go to work instead of allowing God to do His job. Yup, that was me. As much as I say I’m listening to God, I strayed off course because I wanted things done in my time!

When I checked out lymph nodes on google and as I already knew, lymph nodes are a defense mechanism. My swelled nodes had me concerned and my husband of course worries with every pain I have so I try not to tell anyone anything because they read too much into it and want a hasty healing, not the slow one that the CANCER seas are going to take a person on. It is what it is, my friends, cancer is ugly no matter what route you take on the healing journey. This illness can't just be prayed away, or expected to miraculously disappear.

What causes lymph nodes to swell? I repeat! Google says: "Lymph nodes become swollen in response to illness, infection, or stress. Swollen lymph nodes are one sign that your lymphatic system is working to rid your body of the responsible agents." 

Read that people! LYMPHATIC SYSTEM WORKING TO RID THE BODY of [FOREIGN AGENTS]. My lymph nodes that doctors wanted to take away are in there FIGHTING FOR ME! Had they taken them away, I'd have nothing to defend me against this crud. My immune system would be shot, my nodes gone, and I'd be disfigured, more than the forty-seven pounds of weight loss has granted me. 

My Bible Gateway email this [yesterday]morning spoke directly to me! I was carried away by the storm not seeing the full picture.

Mind you that all this week the emails were about college or kids getting out of school etc. etc, but this [yesterday] morning it was targeted RIGHT AT ME! While I'm out here in the midst of a storm, Jesus hasn't forgotten about me, no not at all, He's right here WITH me! Imagine how foolish I felt when I'm always telling everyone else to have patience then realize I wasn't being patient myself! I was just as eager as you to see this crud OVER and DONE WITH! 

My prayers were answered in this little email and in prayer. God is still with me and has been all along! No, the crud is not over and done with, we still have a long way to go but the one thing I can say is that through the back-breaking daily pain, through every step with my cane, I know God is with me as I heal! The first half of my journey, when I was walking and soaring, was what the finished product will look like. Now, this half of the journey is the pain and suffering I must endure, the cross I must carry. Imagine if the first leg of the journey was all pain and suffering. I may have never made it to the second or third part of the journey. I would've given up! Allowed fear and negativity to show me the way. Now that I know what I'll look like healed I am all the more determined to see this through to the end. 

God works in mysterious ways, my friends. Trust and patience are the tools to see you through. I am no longer sailing against the winds. I'm riding along with them, and am at a place where I am SUPPOSED to be; not where everyone thinks I should be, or where I WANT to be, but where God has positioned me, in His time! 

All praise and Glory to God! 

 Isaiah 41:10 (NIV), “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

The Struggle Is Real

Prov. 16:1 (NIV) “To humans belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the proper answer of the tongue.”

The struggle is real...

In the past year since my diagnosis, I have a totally different perspective on life, as you can imagine. I don’t live aligned to the world like everyone else, eating what I want and not caring about my health because simply put, my inner health is as vital as my outer health. The sooner we all learn that, the more in tune we’ll be with the God within. 

I was a lot like you all in that I ate what I wanted whether it was unknowingly toxic or not (ie: fluoride in drinking water, microwaving plastics, processed food, and GMO food) I ate what I wanted and didn’t care if it was killing me. Food tasted good and everyone else was doing it and they ‘appeared’ healthy, somewhat overweight (is that healthy?) but appearing like all was right in their world, health-wise and otherwise.

Then it hit me, I have the disease everyone dreads hearing from their doctor. The fear-of-death laden diagnosis came out of left field, but if truth be told, I knew cancer was a possibility but I did NOTHING to prevent it. I was swimming along with the school of fish enjoying the plastic and oil spills being dumped into my living space; I didn’t care, like you, I just did not care!

Please, don’t tell me that you care about what you eat and drink and what goes in your body. Don’t tell me you care about yourself while slowly killing yourself. What you can do is jump on the scale and look me directly in the eye and say, ‘I am healthy and where I (and my doctor) want me to be! I CARE about Me!’ I wasn’t even overweight and I told myself that on a daily basis, and look at me now. I know the struggle and the struggle is REAL!

I came out from under my rock and peeked around at the world and it is not at all what I remember or care to see. I asked God a few things and this [similar] post popped up on my newsfeed on facebook.

A reworded, rearranged meme: 

God Said No

“I asked God to take away my nasty habits. 
He said NO. It’s not for me to take away but for you to give up. 
I asked God to make my handicapped body whole again.
He said NO. Your Spirit is whole and your body is only temporary. 
I asked for patience and he said patience is a byproduct of tribulations, it isn’t granted, it is learned.
I asked for happiness and He gave me blessings,  my happiness is up to me. 
I asked for my pain to be spared and He said NO, pain draws me AWAY from the world and brings me closer to Him! 
I asked Him to help me grow. He said No, I'll prune you so you’ll be fruitful. 
I asked God for all things to enjoy this life and He said NO, I’ll give you LIFE so that you may enjoy all things. 
I asked God to help me LOVE others and not be judgmental. Again I was told that is for me to learn so I can count every day as a blessing.

Sometimes we ask for so many of the wrong things in our walk of life. Our eyes are not turned toward God but away from Him and focused on the things of this world that pleases our eyes. When you are so consumed with the world, you shouldn’t make fun of others who have God as their focus. I'd like to help you, but again, you don't CARE to help yourself, so my words fail to you. I don’t make fun of you as you’re consumed with food, media, and the world that a box presents to you. I accept that we're all different. So please, don't make fun of me!

While others are consumed with life and living I’m consumed with dying and where I want to go afterward. My daily consumption is the Word and all that He is preparing me for. I won’t go from this world to the next with nasty smelling baggage. When I was consumed with the world it got me nowhere but sickness, illness, and destruction. 

While someone might find it okay to tell me to go back under my rock as I’m in the throes of fighting cancer, I have to accept that being hurtful is the new norm from a world gone wrong. I peek out momentarily from ‘under my rock’ as was so inconsiderately spoken, and I see a world consumed with food, gossip, media headlines, and fantasy. And nothing of God dribbles from their mouths. Oh, on occasion they utter a word or two to God to make themselves feel good but really, is that what this life is all about nowadays?

Not for me. These days I HAVE to be consumed with God because my perspective on life has changed quite dramatically over the last year. I don’t live on the playground with other kids, frolicking in the physical toxins that deplete life, I am living in the Spirit-filled world where the bountiful beauty resides in nature. I am me, you are you. If you are happy with who and what you are then KUDOS to you and your accomplishments. Now respect me enough to allow me to dawdle in what makes ME happy, and that is God! 

The struggle is real! This is the time that God says YES! 

Job 31:5-6 “If I have walked with vanity, or if my foot hath hasted to deceit; Let me be weighed in an even balance, that God may know mine integrity.”

Pss. 9:2 “I will be glad and rejoice in thee: I will sing praise to thy name, O thou most High.”

Just Some Thoughts

Pss. 16:11 “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” 

Just a long note of thoughts…

I am still out here in the throes of pain and the end of it not in sight any time soon. I again wish I could just blink it all away but again, my time is not His time and that is what holds my keys to my sanity these days. My riding lawn mower will allow me to see the property and actually feel like I’m accomplishing something in each day, something besides the tedious mundane chore of cooking a meal or washing clothes. 

I haven’t been to WalMart in quite a few weeks and have allowed hubby to do all the shopping. The things I put this man through, I could just sit for hours and cry but I won’t because I know his love for me is deep and he does everything for me with endearing love. And we both know I’m on the slow road to healing, it’s just taking its good ol' time.

I finally got the chance to use my new mower last week since we had to return Murray the mower because his breaking down twice in one week was a sign that he was the little mower that couldn’t. He was made very cheap even though the sticker said MADE IN AMERICA, showed the little guy wasn’t up to par. Makes one wonder. The sun finally came out after the many damp and darkened days.

We returned Murray with no problem and my hubby just paid the extra money for a better mower at a different place. To someone else a hundred dollars or so is nothing; to me, it’s a million. What the heck, if you’re going into debt for a little, why not go into debt for a lot? I think he felt secure going into debt for this mower knowing my supplements are all up to date for at least another two months, so far. I have an amazing donor that helps keep my supply full allowing my hubby a little leeway in purchasing a riding mower (or organic foods) for me so he can see me happy this summer in some small way; to me, it is a big way!  

I did get out of the house last Tuesday by taking my hubby to the movies to see the new Avengers flick. I had money left from my birthday (shows how often I get out, right?) and he was willing to pay for it but I demanded it to be a DATE, a gift from me for our anniversary, for all he’s done for me! He knows I don’t care for Marvel movies so this was a true extension of what I’d do to show him how much I love and appreciated all that he’s done for me. 

It wasn’t a horrible movie but the incline going into the movie tripped me up (no I didn’t have my cane) and a muscle in my left leg screamed in pain, but I endured, for love. All in all it was a good day!

When Wednesday came and the sunshine was blazing I finally got the chance to ride my new mower Cubby! I finished my entire lawn in one hour compared to the four hours of back-breaking work with the push mower in previous years.

I haven’t been feeling too confident lately but getting out and mowing made me feel like a champ! I was recently berated by the BC group of women for reiterating something I said in one post. A lady lashed out with insults saying, “SOME PEOPLE, [me] always need to have the last word.” And went on saying something about my ego. I was insulted and left in peace with my head hung low and my tail between my legs but it was too late, the mud had been slung, was drying and hardening.

It’s weird, the only people in the group are women fighting breast cancer NATURALLY and we ALL know how sensitive each one is, but these ladies think their horse is higher and better than the lower mule riders like myself. Even the administrator was disagreeing with my link because it didn’t align with her links. Her protocol is right and everyone else’s protocol is wrong. She claimed I was misleading the women because HER links provided FACTS mine were different, even though I got the link from the very source she was touting, The Truth About Cancer. [Scratching my head] I was only trying to help and instead got insulted and hurt. All is okay though because by the end of the week another lady joined the group, Beth Misner, who healed her and her husband’s cancer within a year. It turns out I was right about the link I had posted, glutamine MIGHT NOT be good for this disease. Thank you, Jesus, for clarification!

I’m going to sit in my cubby hole awhile and think about my next step in the plan of winning on the road of this disease. Ironic that I named my [Cub Cadet] mower Cubby the very week I’m relinquished to a cubbyhole of sorts. Now that the rain showers came and darkened the finish to the week, and did so in a three-day spree of fifty-degree temps with lightning and thunder!

Then there’s my mother who very much still yearns for my dad who passed away in October of 2015. Her loneliness is understandable since she was married to him for sixty years. She isolated herself for those years to only living for him since she was a child of seventeen and now she is alone without her helpmeet. On Sunday, Mother’s Day, her parting words to me were, “Live every day like it was your last because you might not be here next year.” She has no idea I have cancer. In the midst of her heartache, her words were aimed at me but meant for her. I understand; I have to, right?

I’m feeling better going into this week and maybe I can write some more this week as the showers let up and the summer like temps resurface. No Spring this year, just summer! This was a longer note of thoughts than I expected but you get my meaning, life goes on in these parts and every day is a trial, and every waking day is a success. 

May the God of peace wash over you all! 

Godspeed!

Philippians 1:6 (NIV) “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” 

Poetry Sunday ~ I Am Here

Jer. 23:4 “And I will set up shepherds over them which shall feed them: and they shall fear no more, nor be dismayed, neither shall they be lacking, saith the LORD.”

I am here

I am here Lord thirsting for your presence

Carry me away in the fruit of your essence

I am here

I am here

I am here to bask in your radiant light

Bathed by your breath in the midst of my fight

I am here

I am here

I am here Lord with the door open wide

Waiting for your touch to fill me inside

I am here

I am here

I am here with you Lord my arms raised high

I worship you Father with every tear that I cry

I am here 

I am here

I am here like a shepherd that sheep will follow

I am also the carcass all empty and hollow

I am here

I am here

I am here waiting for you to carry me home

To the place where shepherds and sheep freely roam

We are here

We are here

All praise and Glory to God!

Matt. 9:36 "But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd."

What Portion Do You Believe

Pss 103:3 “Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;”

If you’re a believer, then you believe without seeing. You believe because you read your bible and you believe the Word to be the truth. But how many believe that it is the full truth? Or do you only believe in portions? You believe God created the world, that Moses parted the sea, you believe Jesus rose from the dead, was it because the bible told you? You sit there believing He’s coming back again. But you have trouble believing Pss.103:3 where the bible states: “Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;”

It says he heals ALL thy diseases but we only trust Him to heal a few? That to me makes no sense. People can tell me until their blue in the face that ‘we need doctor’s to heal us’, but in my eyes, doctors are for treating symptoms never really addressing the underlying CAUSE. I believe God is the healer of the cause. You might find that one rare doctor who is willing to assist you in finding the cause but essentially it is up to you and God whether you find actual true healing. Maybe your doctor is guiding you in the right direction but I myself don’t believe God is a God of drugs.

“Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;” If you don’t believe He heals ALL diseases, in my eyes, you only believe a portion of the bible. It is so hard to truly trust the Word because we’ve been so conditioned to believe man for all he says and all that he offers. We take his word at face value and it holds solidity to our belief system. Then and only then do we truly rely on God’s word to heal ALL of our diseases. 

You might believe wisdom comes from man but wisdom cannot come from man it can only come from GOD! You might glean knowledge from books but wisdom to discern is solely from God; from the Spirit that dwells in you, the same Spirit that has you trusting in Him completely. Either the bible is true or it’s not. I don’t believe the bible lies in some places and suddenly exhibits truth in other places. Either the entire bible is the truth or none of it at all.

I mentioned yesterday that disease is first spiritual in nature not physical. This statement might need some clarification. Some children are born with diseases; obviously, they had no mind to spiritually bring about disease upon themselves. It is quite obvious that the environment, the foods that no one knew were toxic, the metals, the inoculations that toyed with our very cells all were in there playing a part of what makes our insides tick. Scientifically, DNA plays a small part meaning what your mom and dad did (ate, drank, breathed) formed the very strands that brought you to life.

I’m speaking of the cause of your (my) own disease; by holding tightly to false beliefs (fear, doubt, and shame) it enabled an attack that neither you or I were ready for. Anxiety, at a very young age, started us on the path of fear that you (and I) began and no drug is going to take away what we spiritually placed on our path. God did not place fear and anxiety on our path, God is not to blame for a disease taking over your body, only WE can blame OURSELVES for the CAUSE of any illness that holds us captive.

I think what happens with our anxiety and depression, mine anyway, is that we dwell and linger. We linger in past places that hold us prisoner and sometimes we’re not willing to let go because we’d rather remain bitter and angry than find healing; at least that’s what we tell ourselves. Yes, that was me for YEARS, for most of my life.

This disease that I brought upon myself basically is my wake-up call telling me it is time to change now or I will die. I can’t read myself into a healing place. I can’t keep telling you over and over of the bad things that happened in my life because that is my way of clinging to what little memories I have. I have to honestly and truthfully let it go! Reiterating my pain over and over is a way of not releasing the very things that got me to this point in my disease and remaining a prisoner of the past.

I know I’ve spiritually found a healing place. I sent my anxious thoughts away and replaced them with good positive memories. Here’s an example, on the 26th of April my daughter would have been fourteen years old. In previous years the grief strangled me to tears and led me to rehash her death over and over. The same goes for my son who would’ve turned 35 years old in December. This year was different, I only thought good of her and him and when my mother wanted to rehash the past I point blank told her, I’ve dealt with that pain already, I really have let it go, so please stop rehashing. I’m glad she remembers my son and daughter whom neither of us had a chance to know, but I don’t cling to that part of my past anymore. I’m in a healing point and it feels better than all years before!

I’m healing from the emotional baggage of a previous marriage. I’m healing from the child abuse, the molestation, I’m healing where things clung and tightly held on, and I’m releasing them from my present. This disease isn’t just about what has my cells in an uproar, it’s about forgiving all the wrongs in my past and not just at face value. I cannot heal just a portion of my soul just as I cannot believe just a portion of the bible. 

I myself cause my stress and anxiety by clinging to the embedded emotions that have no right dwelling in my being anymore. Being around positive influential people bring about a healing presence just as the negative influences bring about the non-healing ability. If you find yourself never healing from emotional stress, you’re not releasing the whole portion of events; you’re still clinging to the past. Don’t blame the medicine for not working. Don’t blame someone else for your retentive behavior because we are the sole heirs of who to blame. Our parents, siblings, and exes may shoulder some of the blame but they are not the reason we are so determined to allow the occasions to destroy our immunity.

You know, I hadn’t thought that my internal loving relationship with God could grow any further. I had become comfortable in my reading and believing and practically complacent with all I have learned over the years. Sometimes we think that memorizing scripture will bring us closer to God, or reading and studying so hard we forget what we came to the Word for. We came to learn and GROW right? Not to sit like an idle robot in one place repeating the same actions over and over again. No, to heal we need to understand the health benefits of the Living Water flowing through our veins on a different level that will carry us to our healing spot. The area where the past has no bars and the pasture is an open fortress to gaze at, not take up residence with. 

I am choosing to heal by believing the full portion of the Word in its entirety, not just a small portion. He said He will heal and I believe Him. He said He will return and I believe Him. I know I’m listening to God and not the enemy. How do I know it is God speaking to me and guiding me? Because He said so!

All praise and Glory to God! 

John 10:9 “I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.”

John 10 is a very powerful scripture in its entirety.